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The Red Shiny Robots of Vortis. Do they have the weekend off?
No, they don't. No, they don't.
They come in their eternal quest to hunt us down, scan our minds,
turn them into streams of data, and feed them into their planet-sized computers.
My crew deserve a break, York. LIGHT WHINES
A whole weekend?
Yes! Anyway the Red Shiny Robots of Vortis are on the other side of the galaxy, right?
LIGHT WHINES Oh, yes. Yes, they are.
All right, the Ice Lords of Jeraton.
Do they have the weekend off? I don't know and I don't care.
With respect, perhaps you should.
The shape-changing Limahals of Rathomon, do they have the weekend off? You're making that up.
I am not. There's no such thing. BOING!
That's wrong.
ELECTRONIC WHINE
Cap the nub in.
LIGHT MAKES CORRECT NOISE Done.
The Bubsy Wasps of CheCheChe.
Do they have the weekend off?
Bubsy Wasps? Yes. Do they have the weekend off? No.
No! No, no, no!
Now what? It's Alice99! She always bids against me!
She got that keyring, she got the bolero jacket. I really wanted that.
So bid again. I'm past my limit.
I'll sit this one out.
That's very sensible, Vine.
Most people round here call you boring, wussy and afraid.
But I don't. Bid. Bid. Bid.
Right. Eat my bid, you cow!
It's not another set of Toby jugs, is it?
No, it's nothing like that. It's a planet.
It isn't?
Oh?
Sorry, where is it?
It's there. Oh, I see, gosh. Very...
How much?! Vine, you've bid two years' wages!
"Planet. Quantity, one. As new.
"You collect." Yes, but Alice99, she always gets in at the last moment.
Watch. Five, four...
'VineUK, you have won the auction.'
Oh, well done you!
You beat Alice99.
Now can anyone tell me the name of the man whose life...
Not yet, Mr Wade... Whose life we celebrate this weekend?
Gary Neville! Gary Neville!
The inventor of artificial gravity.
Now, a little fact, he came up with the idea at half-time at the 2004 FA Cup semi-final.
But he didn't tell a soul for 15 years, until he'd perfected his equations.
It's quite a nice story. Now can anyone tell me what cadets have on Gary Neville Day? Yep?
Cadets' ball! Cadets' ball. Cadets' ball.
Sorry, bit late. That's fine.
I know you'll have a lot of fun.
You know? Some of you may know, you may not know, but I rose up through the ranks.
I was a cadet once.
My background is as humble as any of yours.
Commander...
Here it comes. On behalf of all the cadets, I'd
like to present you with this invitation for the ball.
Bless you. Thank you.
Great work. OK. That's lovely. All right. Shoo shoo.
As in leave. Thank you, guys.
OK, so you're not going to that, are you? You won't be going to that?
It's Space Force tradition.
They invite the Commander, but he never actually goes.
No, but you've got to come to the officers' dinner. Yes, I'll be there. Stop fussing.
It's just a bit stuffy for an old cadet, like me.
An old cadet. It'll be fun.
Now, what shall we drink? Wines?
I was thinking the Chablis '34 or the '38?
Does Strongbow come in?
Erm, are we playing? Oh, I'm so sorry, York!
I'll see you later, Teal. OK.
Let's party, mon frere. OK.
'Sportgame recommences.'
D'you remember the cadet balls back on the HMS Membury, eh, York?
Oh, you never went, did you? You were a junior officer.
Yeah? Well, you were a lowly drone.
You posh boys missed out, I'm telling you. We had a proper spread.
Chicken cubes, fish bites, the works.
And the drink!
Yes, and then the elbow of chance knocked you onto the officers' training programme.
Oh, how the fates always smiled on lucky Henderson.
Trust you to be at the osteopath's
the morning the training centre was eaten by a sentient jelly!
Matchbounce! Yes!
York, York, York! 'York wins.'
Well, played, well done.
Why don't we go and see if they're still doing breakfast? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll take a cauliflower juice.
Ooh, it's very close.
We could get a shuttle, go for the weekend.
"Planet 079/ZB2.
"Geologically unstable, not suitable for long or short term habitation.
"Forms of life, none."
None. It's a retreat. A haven from the hustle and bustle.
Free minibreak, anyone? To 079/ZB2?
No. To Vineworld!
'Attention all crew.
'Happy Gary Neville Day.
'Also, do you enjoy angling?
'If so, get down to level 12
'while it's still flooded.'
Who's coming to Vineworld?
First trip's for free. I've booked a shuttle.
Oh, look at you! Teal, are you coming to Vineworld?
Oh, that is kind. But I won't. Tell you what, ask Jeffers. He told you to bid. OK? Have fun!
Jeffers, Jeffers, Jeffers.
Jeffers! You don't want to go to the officers' dinner. Come to Vineworld. Please come to Vineworld.
Er...no.
You told me to buy it! So you must want to come!
Vine? Yeah. Mate. Yeah.
I'd rather drink my own spleen.
Sure? Yeah.
We're going on holiday.
Hooray!
Hi!
Hi, Sandstrom. Hello. I've just erm... I've brought you a little something.
I just felt bad that you don't get any treats. And it's quite tricky in space, isn't it?
Us girls have got to stick together, so I've got you chocolate.
Swiss stuff.
I am only permitted to eat nourishment gel.
Nourishment gel has all the nourishment I need.
No, absolutely. But I have to tell you, this is delicious. Go on.
I know not of chocolate.
Swiss stuff.
Ooh! Yes. It's nice, isn't it?
I actually usually prefer the 70% dark chocolate.
Chocolate! Swiss stuff!
It happened so fast, you see.
I mean, I was very much on the other side of the room doing something else entirely.
And then she just kind of went...
York! Get her off!
Ah, the enhanced. Emotion and passion vying with the cold logic of circuitry.
A heady brew. Yes.
I just really hope she doesn't have to miss the officers' dinner.
This could take days to correct.
That is such a shame. I shall have to access her digi-spine. Right.
British country hike, please.
'Select Peak District, Chilterns, or A Taste of Scotland.' Er, Chilterns.
'Beginning.'
Oh, yeah, this is nice.
Don't get much chance to do this.
'Would you like me to add realistic terrain?'
Yeah, why not?
Oh.
There's litter in there. That is a fag packet. That's litter!
'Realistic terrain was requested.'
Yeah, but it's just a little bit too realistic.
That's a condom! Are you telling me there's a part of this ship that stores old condoms...
and dog shit, just for the Chiltern walk?
'Realistic terrain was requested.'
I can't believe that. End, end the hike.
'Please replace realistic terrain in the hopper provided so that others may enjoy it.'
I don't know if you can see these but it means I do not pick up dog eggs.
Have you got any gloves?
'No.'
ENGINE REVS UP
Bye-bye! See you Monday!
Well. Well, well, well.
You stun-sticked me, you tosser!
Where's the radio? Didn't bring one.
We're getting away from it all.
Tell me there's booze.
Food?
If I brought food, there wouldn't be enough room for the giant chess. We'll forage for food.
Forms of life, none.
There. An enhanced digi-brain anomaly corrected in...
3.147 hours.
York, you have excelled yourself.
And now, awake.
Right then, I'll just go straight through. Hello, I'm Becky.
So this enhancement thingy, are you really gonna pay off my student loan?
Blimey! Where do I sign?
Yeah, yeah, I'll read that.
Erm, "Enhancement process
"may cause slight dizziness and/or severe personality change."
Oh, it'll be all right.
You wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't gonna...
You shouldn't have these memories.
I wonder if you dream?
Sandstrom?
Sandy...? Nourishment gel has all the nourishment I need.
Chocolate. Swiss stuff. Chocolate.
Something is afoot. Data mosaic,
show data footprints for all officers in the last 48 hours.
Expand.
File open.
Display.
Rotate.
Magnify.
Ah!
I have you now!
Oh!
Surprised to see me, Teal?
Well, I just thought you were busy.
A lot of mysterious things have been happening to the officers on this ship lately, wouldn't you say?
Question for you, Teal.
Who knows the effect the ingestion of chocolate would have on Sandstrom?
Suggested answer for you, Teal.
Perhaps the same person who studied Sandstrom's on-line manual last Thursday between 8.03 and 8.49pm.
Eh, Teal? What are you saying Mr York? What are you doing?
Oh, you're good.
You're very good.
At first I suspected Jeffers, but he's on Vine's new world.
The new world, incidentally, that he bought in his insane rivalry with one Alice99.
Now, remind me, if you'd be so good please, Teal.
What is your middle name? No, wait a minute.
I'm sure I can remember it, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Oh, yes, isn't it Alice?
Um...
is it...
is it Alice? I've just erm... D'you know, I think it is.
Quite a coincidence. Isn't it? Yes.
Yes. Then, during the course of my investigations, I was enveloped in a cloud of sedative gas.
But whoever was responsible for that dirty little trick,
can't have known I spent a year with the priests of Quividin,
where I learnt to hold my breath for seven and a half hours.
And it was then that I knew who was behind all of this.
It was then that I realised, Teal, that you, Teal,
are not Teal.
You are a shape-changing Limahal of Rathomon in the form of Teal
and you are removing the officers of this ship one by one.
Sorry, I just have no idea what you just said Mr York,
but we've all been working very hard lately, and, oh...
This nebuliser contains a special dioxin.
Just one spray will reveal your true and hideous form. Look, York...
Oh, it's quite refreshing.
Don't, don't. Metamorphose, you swine!
I'm not a shape-changing Limahal, Mr York.
I am a woman...
..with a woman's needs.
And I just wanted to spend some time with a certain man,
and the officers' dinner was coming up tonight
and I thought, "What if it was just me and him, with nobody else to spoil it? Just once!"
Have a lovely weekend.
'Door opening.'
Good evening. Hello.
You all right? You look nice.
Is that new? Thank you.
Where are the others?
Oh, they cancelled, so it's erm...
just us. Oh...ow!
Sorry. Teal, you got my lens, man! No, leave it.
All the more for us!
Gentlemen.
Voila!
There you go. So what's on the menu tonight? It's always food from the Nevillian era.
It's Wotsits. Ooh, very posh.
You being mother? Yes, please do.
Yes, keep going. Just one more.
I'll have that one.
Mmmm!
Yeah, that's fine.
How you doing? All right?
Yes, thank you. Good.
Your sleeve's going in the food. Sorry.
Chin-chin!
Good.
Hungry.
So...
..just...
..just the two of us having dinner.
You know anyone who saw us might think... No, they wouldn't.
D'you not think? No.
It'll pick up speed. Just needs to warm up.
Is it from a Kinder Egg?
Ah. Hang on a mo.
Boulder.
Where are we going?
We're just leaving Vine City One.
Then we could follow Vine Ridge. That'll take us to the Vale of Vine.
What if there was another pioneer? Would he get anything named after him?
Well, everything's got names now. I can't just change them all willy-nilly.
Oh, look! You can see Vine Rock from here.
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
The music is the pipes of the Gothanil.
They say it's the most romantic music in the galaxy.
Is it? Apparently you can get pregnant just by listening to it.
We'd better be careful. Mm.
Mm-mm!
What a lovely meal that was.
It must be getting quite late.
Half seven, wow.
Thank you so much for that meal.
And you were marvellous company as always, Miss Teal. And er... Thank you, Commander.
And, um...
Bye! Oh, hang on you can't go yet because we now have drinks, don't we?
Cognac in the Commander's Quarters. Yeah, well...
It's just the two of us, so we needn't do that.
It's tradition. You wouldn't want to break with tradition, would you? No, I can't have officers' drinks.
Not tonight. Why not?!
Because I'm...
I'm going to go to the cadets' ball.
Yep. I got an invite and I'm going to go for once, because, er...
I was a cadet once. Really?
You should tell people.
Teal...
You'll be all right, won't you?
Yes, I'll be fine. I'll just...
tidy up, cos the robots never do a good job, so...
OK. All right, well...
Look, maybe we can both go to the cadets' ball.
They're a lot of fun.
Unless...you know, you've got something else planned?
I might do. All right, well, if you change your mind.
No, no. I will, I will! Commander!
Told you we'd find some food. Yeah, you did.
You did not tell me we'd have to break into a crashed Russian ship full of dead cosmonauts
and scavenge their dead men's rations out of their frozen, dead fingers. Hey!
No moaning on my world, OK?
Right. Let's get this fire going.
Good, isn't it? Couple of mates.
Couple of buddies, a nice fire.
We work in the same room. We don't know each other that well, not really.
Well, let's talk. Tell me things. Tell me about your family.
I never talk about them. You do here.
You really want to know? Yeah.
All right then. Well, my mum died two months before I was born, sadly.
I was raised by Space Pancakes, which was good, but we had this fear of maple sy...
My dad brought me up.
He was a software engineer, a good one.
When I was about five, he got sick,
really ill. They gave him about six months.
So he wrote a program which was like a version of him, to bring me up when he'd gone.
And it worked.
If I went to swing on the curtains, the program said, "Go to your room."
And I did.
It'd order me a birthday present, and print off a little paper hat and say, "I'm proud of you, son."
Then one night,
I was fifteen,
I came in very late.
The programme was furious. It said, "Where were you?
"I was really worried. We never talk any more."
And I said, "You're not my real dad!
"You're just a piece of code!"
And I deleted it.
Next morning, I tried to recover the data, but I couldn't.
I never got it back.
There's something I never told you about myself.
Ever since... Oh, don't bother. It's not going to beat my story.
Well, nobody knows this...
Does it beat my story? No. No. Get the barbecue on.
I hope you know how to square dance, Miss Teal. I do.
Ooh!
Strong.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Piretti! Oi! What is that?
Sex In The Middle. OK, you go to the middle, and you have sex.
Breaks the ice, you know. Gets it going for later. Do you want some mould? Mould?
Grows in the missile tubes.
Oh, gets you there, man, I'm telling ya!
Commander, I want you to know I made them watch the Drugs Are Not Your Friend film.
Oh, Commander! She's wearing tops but no bottoms.
That's ruder than nothing at all.
Cool. Hey, it's time for puke chains! Who's up for puke chains?
Puke chains! Yeah!
I don't want to do puke chains!
Go, go, go!
Mmmm, smell that!
Let's see your hand.
You didn't touch the ground, did you?
I just wanted to run my fingers through the soil.
Look what it's done! And now you've touched the meat. I won't eat it now.
I'll eat it then. No, don't you eat it.
Vine! Vine!
Vine!
It's shit!
Shit!
It's all shit!
My world is rubbish!
80,000 credits!
I was going to buy a pub with that.
You can sell it on. Who'd want this crap?
Municipal authority might want it for young offenders.
I'm such an twat.
Look, when we were out earlier, I saw something.
Come and have a look. You'll like it. Come on.
Don't touch me, yeah?
Thank you.
I mean,
when did I get so old?
Well, it's not one particular moment with age, is it?
It's more an ongoing process of cellular decay.
Teal, let's go to the sex room.
What?
D'you want...? Yes!
You know, I mean...
Why should they get all the fun? Yes.
No. Oh no, we really should book the Sex Room at least two weeks in advance.
So if we reschedule then that'll... You know what? Yes?
I am Commander of this ship. Yes, you are.
And, Chloe, I shall ruddy well command it to open.
You shall ruddy well command it to open!
That is so majestic.
Wow. Yeah. Hey, try this.
AH-H-H-H-H! HIS SHOUT ECHOES
Go on. Shout something.
Loud as you like.
Hello there!
Come on. You can do better than that. Let it out.
I'VE WASTED ALL MY MONEY AND I'LL NEVER GET A PUB!
Go on. Fantastic. More.
Space Force is a waste of my life! Yeah. Come on, do me. Slag me off.
No, you're all right. Go on. You'll feel better.
JEFFERS IS A BIG ARSE!
HE THINKS HE'S CLEVER, BUT EVERYONE ON THE SHIP SAYS HE A...
That's enough.
Wow. This is amazing.
Thanks, mate.
Yeah.
You know, this is going to need a name.
I think I know what I'm going to call it.
Vine Canyon.
Oh! Sorry.
Oh-h! Oh-h! Oh-h!
TEAL LAUGHS
Oh, Commander...
Michael...
Mike... Mm.
I've been waiting for this moment for so long.
GLOVE SQUEAKS Ooh.
Oh!
That's good!
Get them on. I'm not sure these things really do anything to me to be honest...
Woo-ooh!
Mmmm!
Bloody hell!
Oh!
We're not too old, are we? We can still have fun.
Yes!
We can have meaningless sex.
It doesn't have to mean anything, does it?
Hey, Teal! I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't go.
I shall report for duty at 8am on Monday morning, Commander. Please don't go.
Teal?
'Please state setting.'
One person.
GLOVE SQUEAKS
Ow!
Ah-h-h-h!
'It's Monday morning.
'Attention, all crew.
'Today's meeting in the inter-denominational worship room is for the Norse religion.
'If you worship the Norse gods,
'or you're just considering letting Thor into your life,
'get down to the worship room on Level Four.'
Halt!
Officer Chloe Teal,
for sabotage and restraint of fellow officers,
you are sentenced to three days in the rehabilitation cube.
I personally believe you're getting off very lightly.
I'm very sorry.
Vine, you can have your bolero jacket if you want.
Really? Yes. I'll give you a planet. No. Swapsies. No.
Thank you, though.
'Rehabilitation cube closing.'
Go on. Dismissed.
Will you wait for me, Commander?
Commander?