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ON TANNOY: 'Attention all crew.
'It's Stilton fortnight at the canteen.
'Get down to the canteen for two weeks of Stilton-based treats.
'Today, Stilton burritos.
'Tomorrow, hot and sour Stilton.'
'Crew of the Camden Lock, this is your commander speaking.'
This star system stands on the brink of all-out war.
All because of the asteroid we see before us.
Today we host peace talks between the Lallakkiss and the Bulaagh.
"Bulaah." Bulaah. The G is silent. Not always.
Two very noble races, who I don't want to hear described in any of the following terms -
chin lords, genderless sky numpties. Zobbers.
Blue... Blue-veined cocks of the void.
That is all.
So when are the humpty heads getting here then?
And humpty heads. Vector 12 by grid mark 349.
Stabilising orbit. Lock down.
Returning to slumberpod.
Commander, d'you want a quick look at this?
Have a seat. Yes, certainly.
So, I've prepared the agenda.
It's all colour-coded, so it's very simple.
Good work, Miss Teal.
Thank you.
Sorry...
Could someone help the Enhanced, please?
Anyone? Guys, for future reference, if you see the Enhanced doing that, please help her.
Sorry, go on. OK.
So, as I say, it's all fairly simple.
And then just a little more overleaf.
Call from Starbase.
Michael! Ah, Stewart!
Space Marshal. Sorry.
Space Marshal. Can I just say, we are so proud to be doing this one.
Yes, and if anyone can pull it off, it's you.
Yeah, me and the crew.
Yes, they do all the real work.
Well, no, not really. But go on.
Just calling to say...
Good luck, and the Americans are arriving in two days.
What? The Americans? Yes.
American mediators.
Sandra, we did tell him about that, didn't we?
Are you sure we didn't tell you that?
No. But they will just take over.
No, no, no. They're coming to help you.
Oh, OK. Will I be in the room when they help me?
No.
Your job, as we see it, is to keep everyone chatting till the Americans arrive.
Just put a bright penny in the old waffle meter.
Henderson out.
THEY PLAY AN UNTUNEFUL WALTZ
Right key, yeah?
I mean, say we wrapped it up before the Americans arrive.
What a day that would be, for Britain!
And you. I'm not thinking about me.
Fortissimo.
I mean, when was the last time a Briton won the Nobel Peace Prize?
I'm sure the ship's data mosaic would...
48 years and seven months.
Ready? Take the stabilisers off.
Solo mission. Really? Without...
Yeah, let's do it. Three, four...
HENDERSON GOES OUT OF TUNE
Follow me, that's it.
Take me to the bridge.
TEAL: Mighty Lallakkiss, honoured Bulaah.
I am Officer Teal, the ship's diplomat.
This is Commander Henderson, of course. Hello.
Can you not do that, please? Hey, hey!
Guys? Come on.
Thank you.
Or that. 'Door opening.'
Talky door! Talky door!
Yes, do you want to come through?
'Door closing.' Talky door!
Talky door!
'Door opening.' Talky door.
Talky door! Talky door!
'Door opening.' Talky door!
'Door closing.' Talky door! 'Door opening.' Talky door!
Yes, it's a talky door.
Talky door!
Swingy chair.
Enjoy, enjoy.
Who's, er...hungry?
Shall we have a little something? Snacks? Yeah? Two? Yeah? Good.
Mr Vine, can I have tea and Wagon Wheels for six, please?
Great. So here's the agenda for the first week of the talks.
OK. There you go.
Commander, there you are.
Now, green stands for previous treaties.
Mauve stands for mineral rights.
Yes, it's very simple.
Orange stands for... Ohhh.
Why don't we just chuck 'em away, toss 'em away.
Throw 'em away.
Get rid of 'em.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna talk. Man to thing, to...
Thingy.
Why do you want the asteroid?
For our science. Ah. Great.
Great. What kind of science?
Science your human brain could not... BOTH: ..understand.
Why not?
For reasons you would not... BOTH: ..understand.
On our world we have a saying.
"When the snowflake falls upon the beach...
"..they did not understand."
Wagon Wheels.
I think you said, Ricegestives.
Wag-on Wheels.
I think you said, Oaty Ellipses.
Mighty Lallakkiss.
Why do you want the asteroid? Spinny rock got lot of metal.
Yeah. Metal make pretty jewellery.
This is sort of heirloom you will cherish forever.
This is sort of classic piece what'll never go out of style.
That is lovely. 'Door opening.'
Talky door! Wow!
Hot boy!
He so hot! Who he? Who hot boy? That's Vine, our ship's navigator.
You come here hot boy, yeah! You sit on my knee.
I'll give you eternity ring.
You my hot boy! You like a steak!
Oh, come on! 'Door closing.' Talky door!
Look, look! I'm...
We're on the brink of an historic agreement.
You know, we owe it to our future, and our future's future, to seize the moment!
What I'm saying is...
you can both have what you want.
If you share the asteroid! Aaaahhh!
Americans arrive in two days.
Mericans! Good!
We wait for Mericans. They know what they doing.
Yes. We will wait, and ignore the British man and the giant woman.
That's it. That's done it for me.
Weapons room. 'Commander?' Hello, mate.
Can you prime a one megaton warhead and fire it at that asteroid in 30 seconds? 'But...Commander.'
Commencify my order, weaps room.
Well. Well, well, well.
It seems you have a choice.
You can share the asteroid... or lose it forever.
THEY CONFER IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE
The clock is ticking, people.
We will accept half the asteroid.
Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much.
You won't regret this! What do you say?
BOTH: Errr. Naah.
'Ten seconds to launch.' He not blow it up anyway. He too scared.
Am I? 'Ten, nine...'
Am I really? Yeah.
'..seven, six, five, four,
'three, two, one....
'Fire.' Abort launch, please. Abort the...launch.
Oh.
HE CLEARS THROAT Crew of the Camden Lock, great news.
The Lallakiss and the Bulaah...
..have resolved their differences. In fact, they've become allies.
On the flip side, sadly, the first act of this new alliance was to declare war on Britain.
Oh, God. Unprovoked war.
Don't be alarmed.
I've informed Starbase.
No doubt, as I speak to you all now, a taskforce is setting off to join us.
Mr Vine, can you tell me when the enemy fleets will arrive?
The death swarms will arrive in 36 hours.
Erm...
Can we just call them fleets?
♪ Kill the humans! End their culture... ♪
♪ Kill the humans, kill them all! ♪
What is this? It's the new Lallakkiss battle song.
They do a new one for every war. I've just downloaded the MP90.
Listen, your job is to help maintain this ship! Not to destroy morale!
Stop bobbing around.
It doesn't even have a proper tune.
Turn it off.
It's enemy propaganda. You know, I'm not having it.
You! No sandals under Crimson Alert.
You! Shave your arms.
Attention all crew. This is Mr York. This is a Crimson Alert.
I repeat. A Crimson Alert.
York. York! There's no such thing as Crimson Alert. There is now. We're at war.
We need to be vigilant. You! Be vigilant! What happens under a Crimson Alert?
Floggings. Keep order. Lots of floggings. What for? Mutiny.
Suspected mutiny. Being afraid. Not enjoying your last flogging.
When were you going to start all this? Oh, it's already started.
I flogged a man not 20 minutes ago.
Oh, you should have seen his welts.
Each one a rouge caterpillar, bursting open to release a butterfly of pain.
York, just stop it.
Stop it now. Go with this, Commander.
You'll see the benefits! No. We're on good old fashioned red alert.
Hi, guys, it's the Commander.
RED alert. We're on red alert.
Red alert.
No more floggings.
You never let me do anything, do you?
You've really dropped me in it, Henderson.
My sister's having a dinner party tonight and I won't be there.
How do you think I feel about that?
I-I've no idea.
The taskforce. It is on its way? There's no need for that. War's off.
It took a lot of phone bashing but we pulled it off.
Thank you. Space Marshal, can I just say,
had my crew been called on to fight, they would have all done their duty.
That's good.
Because how we got around it was - and this was Sandra's idea,
it was a bloody good idea, she'll have my job in a few years if I don't look out -
we said you were a rogue commander acting alone.
What?
So that means...? Yes, yes, they're still coming to get you.
And...you?
We're not coming to help you on this occasion. I'm sure you understand.
You can't leave us to die.
These are real men and women serving their country. This is not on.
Henderson, can we keep it professional and not get mushy?
Thank you.
Anyway, best of luck.
Trevor!
York, scan the sector again.
There's no ships that can help us, are there? No.
No American ships? No.
Have a think, have a think, have a think.
Sandstrom, absorbify all available data on enemy vessels.
OK. So we can outrun them?
Negativeness.
But we can outgun them?
Negativeness. Is there anything?
Anything we have, that they don't have?
Our hull is 1.2 centimetres thicker.
We have a larger range of baguette fillings.
And?
That is all.
That is all, right. I mean...
oh, there must be something, right?
There must be a weakness, something they've got. Maybe...
Ooh, all right. OK, this could work.
What if the lead ship had like a pipe, which led to another pipe, which led to the core reactor.
Throw a tommy in there, toss a plasma grenade in,
a big explosion, chain reaction, whole fleet goes down.
Yes. That would work, we've all seen it. The "Di-di-ding!"
down the pipe and the "Whut!"
"Bub weerb!" "Dud-werd!"
You know, a big... And we win. Right?
I'm going to my cabin to work on the battle plans.
I don't want to be disturbed.
Not even by you, Teal.
Commander. Yeah, Vine?
You know how the Lallakkiss took a bit of a shine to me.
Well, I thought if I handed myself over to them, they might just let the ship go.
What an amazing thing to do, Dave.
Right, well I just want to say that I really, really don't want to do that. At all.
'I know, Robot.
'Something very bad happened here.
'Guide me, amulet.
'Help me to find truth and justice,
'which combine to form the still stronger force of Trustice.
ROBOT BEEPS
'What's that, Robot?'
Watch out. 'Watch out?
'Noooo!
'The ray! Run, Robot!
'Save yourself!
MUSIC THUMPS THROUGH WALLS # Kill the humans, kill them all!
♪ Kill the humans in their millions! ♪
Oh, hi. Off.
OFF! This bit's about you. ♪ Henderson die, we kill his eyes. ♪
Turn it off!
Is there anything else?
No! Goodnight then. Goodnight.
♪ Kill the humans End their culture... ♪
INTERCOM BEEPS
'Teal.
'Come to my quarters, I need you.'
MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
Oh, Teal.
Shhhhh.
I've felt it too, Commander.
In times of danger people are often thrown together, passionately.
I've been reading about it and...
the act of love is often so much more intense when we're in that danger.
Teal, I... Yes.
I had an idea for the battle plans.
I asked all the officers here. Oh!
Please.
Good evening.
So that's the plan!
What do you think? Guys?
Vine?
Well done you for trying.
Come on!
I know it's risky but the ship can take it.
I know every nut and bolt of this hunk of girl.
How many engines has it got?
Right. I'm not gonna die sober. Would anyone care for an Instadrunk?
Instadrunk is banned under the standing orders of this ship. Don't eat that!
This, in the commander's quarters! JEFFERS SINGS DRUNKENLY
York! Don't just stand and watch.
♪ ..in a minute, kill the humans... ♪
Deal with him, please.
York!
Ah!
You bastard! I didn't say shoot him!
Well, I have the power. Under Indigo Alert.
Indigo?
Halt.
'Rehabilitation cube opening.
'Please insert prisoner.'
Maximum setting.
'Rehabilitation cube closing.'
'You have done a bad thing.
'We are going to rehabilitate you.
'Watch the kitten.
'She does not question authority.
'Be like the happy kitten. And look!
'Another kitten, sitting in a hat.
'What a lovely world it is, where kittens can sit in hats.'
Round here they call it the Green Satan.
A giant ball of toxic super-dense gas.
And if our course is just one fraction of a degree off,
the entire ship is slowly crushed like a mouse in a vice.
Vector 12 by grid mark 349.000...
Just one tiny error would be fatal.
..00...
0...
..ss-seven.
Hello.
It's Uncle Mike again.
You know how much I love sending you these messages. But...
There is a chance that this might be the last one.
Now, if I die tomorrow, don't think of me as a hero.
Tell 'em...
Tell 'em your uncle was an ordinary fella
who did incredibly brave things to protect our freedoms, now and into eternity.
Tell 'em something like that.
And tell your dad he can't have my car.
I know it's in his garage and I know I'll be dead but he can't have it.
Be a good boy.
60 more Lallakkiss ships.
Another 70 Bulaah ships.
That's the last of them.
Oh, no! Here comes another wave, we're knackered.
"We're knackered" is not a status report, Mr Vine.
Just tell me how many. Oh!
Oh.
Listen...everyone.
I-I know I'm going to be asking a lot but...
I also know you're up to it.
We've got two things they haven't got.
MOTIVATING MUSIC British grit,
and British spunk.
Every man and woman on this vessel is chock full of gritty spunk.
So I want you to take a deep breath,
put your game faces on.
Because it's time.
Are you ready?
Are you ready? Woof!
Yeah? Are you ready?
OK. Let's do this.
Are we in the pose?
Good. Mr Vine.
Airscreen on.
Henderson!
You blow up asteroid, now we blow you up!
Is hubris-nemesis thing.
Before you launch your attack, Officer Teal has a proposal for you.
Oh, not her. She boring one.
Your supreme lordships, your unimaginable wondressness,
on behalf of us all here at the HMS Camden Lock,
we humbly beseech you to shit off!
You beef-witted extra twatestrials!
You excellencies are a pair of chinsters pasties.
It's good! And you, you are a pair of bouncy josephs and ninny hammers.
So why don't you go to hell and help your mother make a bitch pie! Grrrar! No, I've got more.
Sandstrom! Dive, dive, dive!
All units, follow and kill!
Depth, two miles.
We may not be faster or have their weapons.
But we have a thicker hull and can take more of the planet's pressure.
Depth, four miles.
Where human?
Human!
Sensors not work on stupid gas planet!
Fire anyway!
Don't listen to him. Fire anyway!
Deeper, Mr Vine.
Depth, seven miles.
Hull pressure, 60 atmospheres.
They've lost 10 ships already.
12 and counting.
It's the pressure.
Crushing their skulls, squeezing their hideous alien bodies
till they erupt in a shower of blue puss and yellow brain matter.
Bing bong!
Today's in-flight meal is death.
10 miles. Hull pressure 90 atmospheres.
Structural damage. Hull breach on level four.
Oh, God. We've lost the yoga room! Damn you, deeper, Mr Vine!
Deeper?!
'Ooh, look at the horses.
'They're in Ireland.
'That's nice.'
STRUCTURES CREAK
Depth 17 miles.
Teal, scan for enemy ships.
None, Commander.
I can't see any.
Crushed. They are but sky slurry.
It's going to be OK, isn't it? It's going to be OK.
Sandstrom, take us up, but slowly.
All engines, negative responsitivity. Damn it.
Depth, 19 miles.
Still going down.
23 miles.
Think, think, think.
OK, divert the Juergen's nexus field moduliser to the...
Jeffers would know. Thank you! And so do I! To the, erm...
The Thorusphere anti-matter coil!
Thank you.
CRASH!
Depth, 23 miles. Holding.
Come on.
22 miles.
20 miles. It's coming up.
You made it through, you big tasty lump.
Thank you.
'Hellooooo!
'Is us! We stay up here cos it look a bit horrible down there.
'Yes, very murky.
'The dense gases obscure our sensors. We can hear, but not see.
'Can you confirm that you are the humans?'
Ha! We not human!
We see human perish.
Just now, actually.
'You think you good at voices but actually you rubbish!
'Die time now! Die time now!'
♪ Kill the humans, end their culture!
♪ Kill the humans Kill them all... ♪
'Oh! They is Lallakkiss!
'Oh, we can have right old sing-song like in olden day.'
ALL: Kill the humans... Prime the missile
♪ Kill the humans, target locked on
♪ Kill the humans... ♪
Fire!
♪ Kill the humans, kill them all
♪ Kill the humans
♪ In their millions... ♪
Ohhhh!
Oh, yes! Mr York.
You like that? You like that?
Chloe bloomin' Teal!
OK. All right. Come on, big fella.
'Rehabilitation cube opening.'
Did we win? Yeah.
That's nice.
I'm filling up. Crew of the Camden Lock, this is your Commander, Michael, Mike Henderson.
Pint anyone?