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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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ON TANNOY: 'Attention all crew.

2
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'It's Stilton fortnight
at the canteen.

3
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'Get down to the canteen for
two weeks of Stilton-based treats.

4
00:00:34,438 --> 00:00:37,441
'Today, Stilton burritos.

5
00:00:37,457 --> 00:00:41,437
'Tomorrow, hot and sour Stilton.'

6
00:00:41,453 --> 00:00:44,480
'Crew of the Camden Lock,
this is your commander speaking.'

7
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:48,492
This star system stands
on the brink of all-out war.

8
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All because of the asteroid
we see before us.

9
00:00:52,435 --> 00:00:58,434
Today we host peace talks between
the Lallakkiss and the Bulaagh.

10
00:00:58,454 --> 00:01:02,441
"Bulaah." Bulaah.
The G is silent. Not always.

11
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Two very noble races,
who I don't want to hear described
in any of the following terms -

12
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chin lords, genderless sky numpties.
Zobbers.

13
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Zobbers.

14
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Blue...
Blue-veined cocks of the void.

15
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Blue-veined cocks of the void.

16
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That is all.

17
00:01:22,446 --> 00:01:25,441
So when are the humpty heads
getting here then?

18
00:01:25,457 --> 00:01:29,481
And humpty heads.
Vector 12 by grid mark 349.

19
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Stabilising orbit. Lock down.

20
00:01:32,468 --> 00:01:34,428
Returning to slumberpod.

21
00:01:34,444 --> 00:01:37,463
Commander, d'you want
a quick look at this?

22
00:01:37,479 --> 00:01:41,471
Have a seat. Yes, certainly.

23
00:01:41,483 --> 00:01:43,486
So, I've prepared the agenda.

24
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It's all colour-coded,
so it's very simple.

25
00:01:46,462 --> 00:01:48,442
Good work, Miss Teal.

26
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Thank you.

27
00:01:51,429 --> 00:01:52,469
Sorry...

28
00:01:55,404 --> 00:01:57,468
Could someone help
the Enhanced, please?

29
00:01:57,488 --> 00:02:03,475
Anyone? Guys, for future reference,
if you see the Enhanced doing that,
please help her.

30
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,495
Sorry, go on. OK.

31
00:02:06,407 --> 00:02:09,450
So, as I say, it's all fairly simple.

32
00:02:09,466 --> 00:02:14,405
And then just a little more overleaf.

33
00:02:14,417 --> 00:02:15,465
Call from Starbase.

34
00:02:17,493 --> 00:02:20,456
Michael! Ah, Stewart!

35
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Space Marshal. Sorry.

36
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Space Marshal. Can I just say, we
are so proud to be doing this one.

37
00:02:27,427 --> 00:02:29,479
Yes, and if anyone can pull it off,
it's you.

38
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Yeah, me and the crew.

39
00:02:32,446 --> 00:02:34,430
Yes, they do all the real work.

40
00:02:34,442 --> 00:02:38,397
Well, no, not really. But go on.

41
00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:40,405
Just calling to say...

42
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:44,428
Good luck, and the Americans
are arriving in two days.

43
00:02:44,444 --> 00:02:46,404
What? The Americans? Yes.

44
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American mediators.

45
00:02:48,404 --> 00:02:50,435
Sandra, we did tell him
about that, didn't we?

46
00:02:50,451 --> 00:02:52,427
Are you sure we didn't tell you that?

47
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,459
No. But they will just take over.

48
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,402
No, no, no.
They're coming to help you.

49
00:02:57,418 --> 00:02:59,470
Oh, OK. Will I be in the room
when they help me?

50
00:02:59,486 --> 00:03:01,433
No.

51
00:03:01,453 --> 00:03:06,453
Your job, as we see it,
is to keep everyone chatting
till the Americans arrive.

52
00:03:06,469 --> 00:03:09,476
Just put a bright penny
in the old waffle meter.

53
00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:14,419
Henderson out.

54
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THEY PLAY AN UNTUNEFUL WALTZ

55
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,423
Right key, yeah?

56
00:03:20,402 --> 00:03:25,385
I mean, say we wrapped it up
before the Americans arrive.

57
00:03:25,401 --> 00:03:27,417
What a day that would be,
for Britain!

58
00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:30,397
And you. I'm not thinking about me.

59
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Fortissimo.

60
00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:36,404
I mean, when was the last time
a Briton won the Nobel Peace Prize?

61
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:38,431
I'm sure the ship's
data mosaic would...

62
00:03:38,447 --> 00:03:41,423
48 years and seven months.

63
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:47,466
Ready? Take the stabilisers off.

64
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:50,425
Solo mission. Really? Without...

65
00:03:50,437 --> 00:03:53,385
Yeah, let's do it. Three, four...

66
00:03:56,448 --> 00:03:59,444
HENDERSON GOES OUT OF TUNE

67
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:01,387
Follow me, that's it.

68
00:04:01,399 --> 00:04:03,415
Take me to the bridge.

69
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TEAL: Mighty Lallakkiss,
honoured Bulaah.

70
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I am Officer Teal,
the ship's diplomat.

71
00:04:19,388 --> 00:04:21,472
This is Commander Henderson,
of course. Hello.

72
00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:24,404
Can you not do that, please?
Hey, hey!

73
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Guys? Come on.

74
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Thank you.

75
00:04:28,419 --> 00:04:30,435
Or that. 'Door opening.'

76
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Talky door! Talky door!

77
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Yes, do you want to come through?

78
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,449
'Door closing.' Talky door!

79
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Talky door!

80
00:04:41,437 --> 00:04:43,388
'Door opening.' Talky door.

81
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,384
Talky door! Talky door!

82
00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:48,388
'Door opening.' Talky door!

83
00:04:48,404 --> 00:04:52,395
'Door closing.' Talky door!
'Door opening.' Talky door!

84
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Yes, it's a talky door.

85
00:04:58,378 --> 00:04:59,418
Talky door!

86
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Swingy chair.

87
00:05:05,393 --> 00:05:07,380
Enjoy, enjoy.

88
00:05:07,392 --> 00:05:09,372
Who's, er...hungry?

89
00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:13,367
Shall we have a little something?
Snacks? Yeah? Two? Yeah? Good.

90
00:05:13,387 --> 00:05:16,459
Mr Vine, can I have tea
and Wagon Wheels for six, please?

91
00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:20,390
Great. So here's the agenda
for the first week of the talks.

92
00:05:20,406 --> 00:05:22,366
OK. There you go.

93
00:05:23,454 --> 00:05:25,413
Commander, there you are.

94
00:05:25,429 --> 00:05:29,413
Now,
green stands for previous treaties.

95
00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:32,428
Mauve stands for mineral rights.

96
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,408
Yes, it's very simple.

97
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,412
Orange stands for... Ohhh.

98
00:05:36,428 --> 00:05:40,363
Why don't we just chuck 'em away,
toss 'em away.

99
00:05:40,379 --> 00:05:41,435
Throw 'em away.

100
00:05:41,447 --> 00:05:43,430
Get rid of 'em.

101
00:05:43,442 --> 00:05:45,398
You know what we're gonna do?

102
00:05:45,414 --> 00:05:49,449
We're gonna talk.
Man to thing, to...

103
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Thingy.

104
00:05:54,425 --> 00:05:56,384
Why do you want the asteroid?

105
00:05:56,396 --> 00:05:58,436
For our science. Ah. Great.

106
00:05:58,448 --> 00:06:01,407
Great. What kind of science?

107
00:06:01,423 --> 00:06:05,411
Science your human brain could not...
BOTH: ..understand.

108
00:06:05,427 --> 00:06:08,426
Why not?

109
00:06:08,442 --> 00:06:12,450
For reasons you would not...
BOTH: ..understand.

110
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On our world we have a saying.

111
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"When the snowflake falls
upon the beach...

112
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"..they did not understand."

113
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Wagon Wheels.

114
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I think you said, Ricegestives.

115
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Wag-on Wheels.

116
00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:43,360
I think you said, Oaty Ellipses.

117
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Mighty Lallakkiss.

118
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Why do you want the asteroid?
Spinny rock got lot of metal.

119
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Yeah. Metal make pretty jewellery.

120
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This is sort of heirloom
you will cherish forever.

121
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This is sort of classic piece
what'll never go out of style.

122
00:06:59,442 --> 00:07:01,413
That is lovely. 'Door opening.'

123
00:07:01,425 --> 00:07:04,389
Talky door! Wow!

124
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Hot boy!

125
00:07:06,361 --> 00:07:11,384
He so hot! Who he? Who hot boy?
That's Vine, our ship's navigator.

126
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You come here hot boy, yeah!
You sit on my knee.

127
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I'll give you eternity ring.

128
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You my hot boy! You like a steak!

129
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:25,349
Oh, come on!
'Door closing.' Talky door!

130
00:07:25,365 --> 00:07:27,381
Look, look! I'm...

131
00:07:29,353 --> 00:07:31,416
We're on the brink of
an historic agreement.

132
00:07:31,436 --> 00:07:38,407
You know, we owe it to our future,
and our future's future,
to seize the moment!

133
00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:40,395
What I'm saying is...

134
00:07:40,407 --> 00:07:43,370
you can both have what you want.

135
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If you share the asteroid! Aaaahhh!

136
00:07:51,373 --> 00:07:54,405
Americans arrive in two days.

137
00:07:54,417 --> 00:07:56,384
Mericans! Good!

138
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,420
We wait for Mericans.
They know what they doing.

139
00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:04,339
Yes. We will wait, and ignore
the British man and the giant woman.

140
00:08:04,355 --> 00:08:06,371
That's it. That's done it for me.

141
00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:08,374
Weapons room. 'Commander?'
Hello, mate.

142
00:08:08,394 --> 00:08:13,425
Can you prime a one megaton warhead
and fire it at that asteroid
in 30 seconds? 'But...Commander.'

143
00:08:14,341 --> 00:08:15,417
Commencify my order, weaps room.

144
00:08:15,433 --> 00:08:19,336
Well. Well, well, well.

145
00:08:19,348 --> 00:08:22,356
It seems you have a choice.

146
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:28,399
You can share the asteroid...
or lose it forever.

147
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THEY CONFER IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE

148
00:08:36,398 --> 00:08:38,397
The clock is ticking, people.

149
00:08:41,409 --> 00:08:46,356
We will accept half the asteroid.

150
00:08:46,368 --> 00:08:48,408
Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much.

151
00:08:48,424 --> 00:08:51,391
You won't regret this!
What do you say?

152
00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:54,395
BOTH: Errr. Naah.

153
00:08:54,411 --> 00:08:59,370
'Ten seconds to launch.' He not
blow it up anyway. He too scared.

154
00:08:59,386 --> 00:09:01,385
Am I? 'Ten, nine...'

155
00:09:01,397 --> 00:09:03,393
Am I really? Yeah.

156
00:09:03,405 --> 00:09:07,420
'..seven, six, five, four,

157
00:09:08,332 --> 00:09:12,404
'three, two, one....

158
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:16,351
'Fire.' Abort launch, please.
Abort the...launch.

159
00:09:29,417 --> 00:09:31,388
Oh.

160
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:44,386
HE CLEARS THROAT
Crew of the Camden Lock, great news.

161
00:09:44,402 --> 00:09:46,358
The Lallakiss and the Bulaah...

162
00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:53,373
..have resolved their differences.
In fact, they've become allies.

163
00:09:55,372 --> 00:10:01,375
On the flip side, sadly,
the first act of this new alliance
was to declare war on Britain.

164
00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:04,323
Oh, God. Unprovoked war.

165
00:10:04,339 --> 00:10:06,358
Don't be alarmed.

166
00:10:06,370 --> 00:10:08,406
I've informed Starbase.

167
00:10:09,326 --> 00:10:15,345
No doubt, as I speak to you all now,
a taskforce is setting off
to join us.

168
00:10:17,401 --> 00:10:20,376
Mr Vine, can you tell me when
the enemy fleets will arrive?

169
00:10:20,392 --> 00:10:23,340
The death swarms will arrive
in 36 hours.

170
00:10:23,352 --> 00:10:25,407
Erm...

171
00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:27,399
Can we just call them fleets?

172
00:10:28,315 --> 00:10:31,382
♪ Kill the humans!
End their culture... ♪

173
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:35,338
♪ Kill the humans, kill them all! ♪

174
00:10:35,354 --> 00:10:37,409
What is this?
It's the new Lallakkiss battle song.

175
00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:40,409
They do a new one for every war.
I've just downloaded the MP90.

176
00:10:41,329 --> 00:10:45,320
Listen, your job is to help maintain
this ship! Not to destroy morale!

177
00:10:45,336 --> 00:10:47,404
Stop bobbing around.

178
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,387
It doesn't even have a proper tune.

179
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:52,355
Turn it off.

180
00:10:52,371 --> 00:10:55,342
It's enemy propaganda.
You know, I'm not having it.

181
00:10:55,358 --> 00:10:57,350
You! No sandals under Crimson Alert.

182
00:10:57,362 --> 00:10:58,394
You! Shave your arms.

183
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:02,333
Attention all crew. This is Mr York.
This is a Crimson Alert.

184
00:11:02,349 --> 00:11:05,353
I repeat. A Crimson Alert.

185
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:09,376
York. York! There's no such thing
as Crimson Alert.
There is now. We're at war.

186
00:11:09,396 --> 00:11:13,319
We need to be vigilant.
You! Be vigilant! What happens
under a Crimson Alert?

187
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,339
Floggings. Keep order.
Lots of floggings. What for? Mutiny.

188
00:11:16,359 --> 00:11:19,326
Suspected mutiny. Being afraid.
Not enjoying your last flogging.

189
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,390
When were you going to start all
this? Oh, it's already started.

190
00:11:23,306 --> 00:11:25,317
I flogged a man not 20 minutes ago.

191
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,345
Oh, you should have seen his welts.

192
00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:32,328
Each one a rouge caterpillar,
bursting open to release
a butterfly of pain.

193
00:11:32,344 --> 00:11:34,340
York, just stop it.

194
00:11:34,356 --> 00:11:37,327
Stop it now.
Go with this, Commander.

195
00:11:37,343 --> 00:11:41,343
You'll see the benefits! No. We're
on good old fashioned red alert.

196
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:43,326
Hi, guys, it's the Commander.

197
00:11:43,338 --> 00:11:46,306
RED alert. We're on red alert.

198
00:11:46,318 --> 00:11:48,353
Red alert.

199
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:50,321
No more floggings.

200
00:11:51,397 --> 00:11:53,397
You never let me
do anything, do you?

201
00:11:54,312 --> 00:11:56,324
You've really dropped me
in it, Henderson.

202
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:59,348
My sister's having a dinner party
tonight and I won't be there.

203
00:11:59,364 --> 00:12:01,331
How do you think I feel about that?

204
00:12:02,387 --> 00:12:06,346
I-I've no idea.

205
00:12:06,362 --> 00:12:11,390
The taskforce. It is on its way?
There's no need for that. War's off.

206
00:12:12,309 --> 00:12:14,341
It took a lot of phone bashing
but we pulled it off.

207
00:12:14,361 --> 00:12:17,325
Thank you.
Space Marshal, can I just say,

208
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:21,300
had my crew been called on to fight,
they would have all done their duty.

209
00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:22,372
That's good.

210
00:12:22,388 --> 00:12:26,339
Because how we got around it was -
and this was Sandra's idea,

211
00:12:26,359 --> 00:12:31,294
it was a bloody good idea,
she'll have my job in a few years
if I don't look out -

212
00:12:31,314 --> 00:12:34,298
we said you were
a rogue commander acting alone.

213
00:12:34,314 --> 00:12:35,386
What?

214
00:12:36,301 --> 00:12:39,337
So that means...? Yes, yes,
they're still coming to get you.

215
00:12:39,353 --> 00:12:41,337
And...you?

216
00:12:41,353 --> 00:12:46,320
We're not coming to help you on this
occasion. I'm sure you understand.

217
00:12:46,336 --> 00:12:48,327
You can't leave us to die.

218
00:12:48,343 --> 00:12:52,303
These are real men and women serving
their country. This is not on.

219
00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:56,314
Henderson, can we keep it
professional and not get mushy?

220
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:58,366
Thank you.

221
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,341
Anyway, best of luck.

222
00:13:00,353 --> 00:13:02,293
Trevor!

223
00:13:06,364 --> 00:13:08,380
York, scan the sector again.

224
00:13:09,296 --> 00:13:12,339
There's no ships
that can help us, are there? No.

225
00:13:12,355 --> 00:13:15,291
No American ships? No.

226
00:13:15,307 --> 00:13:17,319
Have a think, have a think,
have a think.

227
00:13:17,335 --> 00:13:22,350
Sandstrom, absorbify
all available data on enemy vessels.

228
00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,336
OK. So we can outrun them?

229
00:13:30,348 --> 00:13:32,340
Negativeness.

230
00:13:32,352 --> 00:13:34,300
But we can outgun them?

231
00:13:34,312 --> 00:13:36,299
Negativeness. Is there anything?

232
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,363
Anything we have,
that they don't have?

233
00:13:38,379 --> 00:13:42,366
Our hull is 1.2 centimetres thicker.

234
00:13:43,282 --> 00:13:45,294
We have a larger range
of baguette fillings.

235
00:13:45,306 --> 00:13:47,294
And?

236
00:13:47,306 --> 00:13:49,325
That is all.

237
00:13:49,337 --> 00:13:51,353
That is all, right. I mean...

238
00:13:51,365 --> 00:13:54,364
oh, there must be something, right?

239
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,312
There must be a weakness,
something they've got. Maybe...

240
00:13:58,328 --> 00:14:01,295
Ooh, all right. OK, this could work.

241
00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:07,310
What if the lead ship had like
a pipe, which led to another pipe,
which led to the core reactor.

242
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:12,297
Throw a tommy in there,
toss a plasma grenade in,

243
00:14:12,317 --> 00:14:15,305
a big explosion, chain reaction,
whole fleet goes down.

244
00:14:15,325 --> 00:14:19,288
Yes. That would work, we've all
seen it. The "Di-di-ding!"

245
00:14:19,304 --> 00:14:21,332
down the pipe and the "Whut!"

246
00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:24,283
"Bub weerb!" "Dud-werd!"

247
00:14:24,299 --> 00:14:28,287
You know, a big...
And we win. Right?

248
00:14:37,341 --> 00:14:40,289
I'm going to my cabin
to work on the battle plans.

249
00:14:40,305 --> 00:14:41,369
I don't want to be disturbed.

250
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,344
Not even by you, Teal.

251
00:14:44,356 --> 00:14:47,284
Commander. Yeah, Vine?

252
00:14:49,275 --> 00:14:52,275
You know how the Lallakkiss
took a bit of a shine to me.

253
00:14:52,295 --> 00:14:57,282
Well, I thought
if I handed myself over to them,
they might just let the ship go.

254
00:14:59,362 --> 00:15:02,297
What an amazing thing to do, Dave.

255
00:15:02,317 --> 00:15:06,312
Right, well I just want to say
that I really, really don't
want to do that. At all.

256
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:12,291
'I know, Robot.

257
00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:14,299
'Something very bad happened here.

258
00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:18,270
'Guide me, amulet.

259
00:15:18,282 --> 00:15:20,334
'Help me to find truth and justice,

260
00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:24,329
'which combine to form the
still stronger force of Trustice.

261
00:15:25,337 --> 00:15:28,293
ROBOT BEEPS

262
00:15:28,305 --> 00:15:30,288
'What's that, Robot?'

263
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,292
Watch out. 'Watch out?

264
00:15:39,319 --> 00:15:42,306
'Noooo!

265
00:15:42,318 --> 00:15:44,322
'The ray! Run, Robot!

266
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,274
'Save yourself!

267
00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:51,325
MUSIC THUMPS THROUGH WALLS
# Kill the humans, kill them all!

268
00:15:55,324 --> 00:16:00,307
♪ Kill the humans
in their millions! ♪

269
00:16:01,299 --> 00:16:04,267
Oh, hi. Off.

270
00:16:04,283 --> 00:16:08,322
OFF! This bit's about you.
♪ Henderson die, we kill his eyes. ♪

271
00:16:08,338 --> 00:16:10,274
Turn it off!

272
00:16:14,289 --> 00:16:16,265
Is there anything else?

273
00:16:16,277 --> 00:16:18,284
No! Goodnight then. Goodnight.

274
00:16:20,268 --> 00:16:24,271
♪ Kill the humans
End their culture... ♪

275
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:30,266
INTERCOM BEEPS

276
00:16:36,289 --> 00:16:38,325
'Teal.

277
00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:41,253
'Come to my quarters, I need you.'

278
00:16:41,269 --> 00:16:44,256
MUSIC: "Let's Get It On"
by Marvin Gaye

279
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:54,342
Oh, Teal.

280
00:16:55,254 --> 00:16:56,302
Shhhhh.

281
00:16:56,314 --> 00:16:58,274
I've felt it too, Commander.

282
00:16:58,290 --> 00:17:02,281
In times of danger people are often
thrown together, passionately.

283
00:17:02,297 --> 00:17:04,321
I've been reading about it and...

284
00:17:04,337 --> 00:17:09,324
the act of love is often so much more
intense when we're in that danger.

285
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:12,259
Teal, I... Yes.

286
00:17:12,271 --> 00:17:14,299
I had an idea for the battle plans.

287
00:17:14,311 --> 00:17:18,250
I asked all the officers here. Oh!

288
00:17:18,262 --> 00:17:19,274
Please.

289
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:24,277
Good evening.

290
00:17:28,337 --> 00:17:31,328
So that's the plan!

291
00:17:31,340 --> 00:17:34,272
What do you think? Guys?

292
00:17:34,284 --> 00:17:37,243
Vine?

293
00:17:37,255 --> 00:17:39,247
Well done you for trying.

294
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,307
Come on!

295
00:17:40,323 --> 00:17:42,318
I know it's risky
but the ship can take it.

296
00:17:42,334 --> 00:17:45,246
I know every nut and bolt
of this hunk of girl.

297
00:17:45,262 --> 00:17:46,286
How many engines has it got?

298
00:17:50,325 --> 00:17:55,244
Right. I'm not gonna die sober.
Would anyone care for an Instadrunk?

299
00:17:55,264 --> 00:17:59,284
Instadrunk is banned under
the standing orders of this ship.
Don't eat that!

300
00:17:59,304 --> 00:18:03,291
This, in the commander's quarters!
JEFFERS SINGS DRUNKENLY

301
00:18:03,307 --> 00:18:07,246
York! Don't just stand and watch.

302
00:18:07,262 --> 00:18:09,318
♪ ..in a minute, kill the humans... ♪

303
00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:11,302
Deal with him, please.

304
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,268
York!

305
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,292
Ah!

306
00:18:20,304 --> 00:18:23,268
You bastard! I didn't say shoot him!

307
00:18:23,284 --> 00:18:26,251
Well, I have the power.
Under Indigo Alert.

308
00:18:26,263 --> 00:18:28,235
Indigo?

309
00:18:34,318 --> 00:18:37,273
Halt.

310
00:18:37,285 --> 00:18:40,269
'Rehabilitation cube opening.

311
00:18:40,281 --> 00:18:42,280
'Please insert prisoner.'

312
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,243
Maximum setting.

313
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,326
'Rehabilitation cube closing.'

314
00:18:56,282 --> 00:18:59,246
'You have done a bad thing.

315
00:18:59,258 --> 00:19:03,249
'We are going to rehabilitate you.

316
00:19:03,261 --> 00:19:05,233
'Watch the kitten.

317
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:08,252
'She does not question authority.

318
00:19:08,264 --> 00:19:11,287
'Be like the happy kitten. And look!

319
00:19:11,299 --> 00:19:14,291
'Another kitten, sitting in a hat.

320
00:19:14,307 --> 00:19:19,310
'What a lovely world it is,
where kittens can sit in hats.'

321
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:23,317
Round here they call it
the Green Satan.

322
00:19:24,233 --> 00:19:28,229
A giant ball
of toxic super-dense gas.

323
00:19:28,245 --> 00:19:31,296
And if our course is just
one fraction of a degree off,

324
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:36,275
the entire ship is slowly crushed
like a mouse in a vice.

325
00:19:36,291 --> 00:19:43,230
Vector 12 by grid mark 349.000...

326
00:19:43,242 --> 00:19:46,318
Just one tiny error would be fatal.

327
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:49,233
..00...

328
00:19:49,245 --> 00:19:50,285
0...

329
00:19:50,297 --> 00:19:52,317
..ss-seven.

330
00:19:59,259 --> 00:20:00,303
Hello.

331
00:20:00,315 --> 00:20:02,267
It's Uncle Mike again.

332
00:20:04,223 --> 00:20:07,222
You know how much I love
sending you these messages. But...

333
00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:12,225
There is a chance that
this might be the last one.

334
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:19,240
Now, if I die tomorrow,
don't think of me as a hero.

335
00:20:19,256 --> 00:20:22,240
Tell 'em...

336
00:20:22,256 --> 00:20:25,215
Tell 'em
your uncle was an ordinary fella

337
00:20:25,235 --> 00:20:30,246
who did incredibly brave things
to protect our freedoms,
now and into eternity.

338
00:20:30,262 --> 00:20:32,218
Tell 'em something like that.

339
00:20:33,302 --> 00:20:36,245
And tell your dad
he can't have my car.

340
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:42,268
I know it's in his garage and I know
I'll be dead but he can't have it.

341
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:45,272
Be a good boy.

342
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:07,268
60 more Lallakkiss ships.

343
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,228
Another 70 Bulaah ships.

344
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,279
That's the last of them.

345
00:21:12,295 --> 00:21:15,231
Oh, no! Here comes another wave,
we're knackered.

346
00:21:15,247 --> 00:21:17,278
"We're knackered" is not
a status report, Mr Vine.

347
00:21:17,294 --> 00:21:21,210
Just tell me how many. Oh!

348
00:21:21,222 --> 00:21:22,262
Oh.

349
00:21:25,233 --> 00:21:27,293
Listen...everyone.

350
00:21:28,209 --> 00:21:30,220
I-I know I'm going
to be asking a lot but...

351
00:21:30,236 --> 00:21:34,248
I also know you're up to it.

352
00:21:34,264 --> 00:21:36,279
We've got two things
they haven't got.

353
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,239
MOTIVATING MUSIC
British grit,

354
00:21:39,255 --> 00:21:41,246
and British spunk.

355
00:21:43,206 --> 00:21:49,225
Every man and woman on this vessel
is chock full of gritty spunk.

356
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:52,229
So I want you to take a deep breath,

357
00:21:52,245 --> 00:21:55,240
put your game faces on.

358
00:21:55,252 --> 00:21:57,248
Because it's time.

359
00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:59,227
Are you ready?

360
00:21:59,239 --> 00:22:01,203
Are you ready? Woof!

361
00:22:01,215 --> 00:22:03,291
Yeah? Are you ready?

362
00:22:04,203 --> 00:22:07,226
OK. Let's do this.

363
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:14,197
Are we in the pose?

364
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:15,281
Good. Mr Vine.

365
00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:17,248
Airscreen on.

366
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:19,212
Henderson!

367
00:22:19,228 --> 00:22:21,244
You blow up asteroid,
now we blow you up!

368
00:22:21,260 --> 00:22:23,283
Is hubris-nemesis thing.

369
00:22:24,199 --> 00:22:27,247
Before you launch your attack,
Officer Teal has a proposal for you.

370
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,290
Oh, not her. She boring one.

371
00:22:32,206 --> 00:22:38,249
Your supreme lordships,
your unimaginable wondressness,

372
00:22:38,265 --> 00:22:42,288
on behalf of us all here
at the HMS Camden Lock,

373
00:22:43,204 --> 00:22:46,228
we humbly beseech you
to shit off!

374
00:22:46,244 --> 00:22:48,243
You beef-witted extra twatestrials!

375
00:22:48,259 --> 00:22:52,271
You excellencies are
a pair of chinsters pasties.

376
00:22:53,190 --> 00:22:57,210
It's good! And you, you are a pair of
bouncy josephs and ninny hammers.

377
00:22:57,230 --> 00:23:02,285
So why don't you go to hell and help
your mother make a bitch pie! Grrrar!
No, I've got more.

378
00:23:03,201 --> 00:23:04,273
Sandstrom! Dive, dive, dive!

379
00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:11,271
All units, follow and kill!

380
00:23:22,226 --> 00:23:24,261
Depth, two miles.

381
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:27,189
We may not be faster
or have their weapons.

382
00:23:27,209 --> 00:23:30,256
But we have a thicker hull and can
take more of the planet's pressure.

383
00:23:30,272 --> 00:23:32,260
Depth, four miles.

384
00:23:34,264 --> 00:23:36,219
Where human?

385
00:23:36,231 --> 00:23:39,215
Human!

386
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:42,262
Sensors not work
on stupid gas planet!

387
00:23:42,274 --> 00:23:44,238
Fire anyway!

388
00:23:44,250 --> 00:23:48,189
Don't listen to him. Fire anyway!

389
00:23:48,201 --> 00:23:50,233
Deeper, Mr Vine.

390
00:23:50,245 --> 00:23:52,241
Depth, seven miles.

391
00:23:52,253 --> 00:23:56,228
Hull pressure, 60 atmospheres.

392
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:02,199
They've lost 10 ships already.

393
00:24:05,182 --> 00:24:07,190
12 and counting.

394
00:24:07,202 --> 00:24:08,250
It's the pressure.

395
00:24:08,266 --> 00:24:12,241
Crushing their skulls, squeezing
their hideous alien bodies

396
00:24:12,261 --> 00:24:16,229
till they erupt in a shower of
blue puss and yellow brain matter.

397
00:24:16,261 --> 00:24:18,208
Bing bong!

398
00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:21,212
Today's in-flight meal is death.

399
00:24:21,228 --> 00:24:26,187
10 miles.
Hull pressure 90 atmospheres.

400
00:24:29,194 --> 00:24:31,246
Structural damage.
Hull breach on level four.

401
00:24:31,266 --> 00:24:36,229
Oh, God. We've lost the yoga room!
Damn you, deeper, Mr Vine!

402
00:24:36,245 --> 00:24:38,245
Deeper?!

403
00:24:40,253 --> 00:24:43,240
'Ooh, look at the horses.

404
00:24:43,252 --> 00:24:45,220
'They're in Ireland.

405
00:24:45,232 --> 00:24:47,191
'That's nice.'

406
00:24:52,239 --> 00:24:54,238
STRUCTURES CREAK

407
00:25:13,199 --> 00:25:15,211
Depth 17 miles.

408
00:25:15,223 --> 00:25:17,250
Teal, scan for enemy ships.

409
00:25:20,202 --> 00:25:22,234
None, Commander.

410
00:25:22,246 --> 00:25:24,205
I can't see any.

411
00:25:24,217 --> 00:25:27,193
Crushed. They are but sky slurry.

412
00:25:27,209 --> 00:25:30,224
It's going to be OK, isn't it?
It's going to be OK.

413
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,164
Sandstrom, take us up, but slowly.

414
00:25:34,180 --> 00:25:38,243
All engines,
negative responsitivity. Damn it.

415
00:25:38,259 --> 00:25:42,258
Depth, 19 miles.

416
00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:44,210
Still going down.

417
00:25:44,222 --> 00:25:47,161
23 miles.

418
00:25:47,173 --> 00:25:48,189
Think, think, think.

419
00:25:48,205 --> 00:25:52,257
OK, divert the Juergen's
nexus field moduliser to the...

420
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:56,240
Jeffers would know. Thank you!
And so do I! To the, erm...

421
00:25:56,256 --> 00:25:59,179
The Thorusphere anti-matter coil!

422
00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:01,171
Thank you.

423
00:26:03,203 --> 00:26:04,243
CRASH!

424
00:26:13,217 --> 00:26:16,249
Depth, 23 miles. Holding.

425
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,232
Come on.

426
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,204
22 miles.

427
00:26:23,195 --> 00:26:26,155
20 miles. It's coming up.

428
00:26:31,190 --> 00:26:33,250
You made it through,
you big tasty lump.

429
00:26:34,162 --> 00:26:36,177
Thank you.

430
00:26:36,189 --> 00:26:37,229
'Hellooooo!

431
00:26:39,241 --> 00:26:43,192
'Is us! We stay up here cos it look
a bit horrible down there.

432
00:26:43,208 --> 00:26:46,160
'Yes, very murky.

433
00:26:46,176 --> 00:26:51,163
'The dense gases obscure our
sensors. We can hear, but not see.

434
00:26:51,179 --> 00:26:53,202
'Can you confirm
that you are the humans?'

435
00:26:58,190 --> 00:27:02,189
Ha! We not human!

436
00:27:02,201 --> 00:27:05,196
We see human perish.

437
00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:07,152
Just now, actually.

438
00:27:08,212 --> 00:27:12,159
'You think you good at voices
but actually you rubbish!

439
00:27:12,175 --> 00:27:15,183
'Die time now! Die time now!'

440
00:27:15,195 --> 00:27:19,234
♪ Kill the humans, end their culture!

441
00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:24,173
♪ Kill the humans
Kill them all... ♪

442
00:27:24,189 --> 00:27:27,149
'Oh! They is Lallakkiss!

443
00:27:27,165 --> 00:27:31,212
'Oh, we can have right old sing-song
like in olden day.'

444
00:27:31,228 --> 00:27:35,203
ALL: Kill the humans...
Prime the missile

445
00:27:35,219 --> 00:27:39,191
♪ Kill the humans, target locked on

446
00:27:39,203 --> 00:27:42,166
♪ Kill the humans... ♪

447
00:27:42,178 --> 00:27:43,234
Fire!

448
00:27:44,146 --> 00:27:48,209
♪ Kill the humans, kill them all

449
00:27:48,221 --> 00:27:49,213
♪ Kill the humans

450
00:27:49,225 --> 00:27:52,153
♪ In their millions... ♪

451
00:27:54,188 --> 00:27:55,196
Ohhhh!

452
00:27:55,208 --> 00:27:59,167
Oh, yes! Mr York.

453
00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:01,155
You like that? You like that?

454
00:28:03,147 --> 00:28:05,178
Chloe bloomin' Teal!

455
00:28:05,190 --> 00:28:08,234
OK. All right. Come on, big fella.

456
00:28:09,150 --> 00:28:12,141
'Rehabilitation cube opening.'

457
00:28:22,148 --> 00:28:24,227
Did we win? Yeah.

458
00:28:25,139 --> 00:28:26,179
That's nice.

459
00:28:31,154 --> 00:28:36,217
I'm filling up. Crew of the
Camden Lock, this is your Commander,
Michael, Mike Henderson.

460
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:38,169
Pint anyone?