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Attention all crew. Missing Earth weather?
Get down to level nine for wind week.
Today's wind: a stiff Atlantic breeze.
Tomorrow's wind is a mystery gust.
Find out which one at wind week, on level nine.
There's nothing here.
All right. Scan Box 8, subsection 12 W.
Starboard array initiate - scanning.
Has anybody seen my pen?
It's green with sparkles.
They're out there somewhere.
They'll be snared in the British net like bad mackerel.
Seriously guys, I do not want to go back to labelling all my pens.
There's no smugglers round here.
Really. OK, then, what's that?
It's a bit of a Malteser.
Guys, can you all give your consoles a good wipe.
Really give it the arm, please.
Futile. Utterly futile!
We patrol the same boxes over and over again. And for what?
Nothing! And why?
Because Denmark has all the good boxes!
It's a joint operation, York. We're all mucking in.
But they choose their boxes,
and so they get all the spoils, all the plaudits.
And you go along with it.
Like the worm that loves the robin that sups upon its marrow.
Found it. Yippee! My favourite one.
There's no room for ego in the fight against the menace of the spectre of drugs.
I've read about that new drug.
You look at it, you're addicted.
Initially it gets you what they call "high", and then about a week later you think you are your own teeth.
Sounds ghastly. It's all right.
Just drink plenty of water, make sure you've got a loaf of bread for the comedown, and you're fine.
We'll sweep the box again.
Sandstrom, turn and retrace course.
Stand on your head and wank down your nose.
She's got a virus, I know. You said you'd fix it.
Thought she had Ploppymouth One. She has Ploppymouth Two. Gonna take a while.
Gosh, look at this! Single craft. Very small. Range, one gigamile.
What are the nay-sayers saying now, Mr York? Not nay, is it?
I think it's yay. That's good. Thank you.
Vine, pursuit course. Sandstrom, follow at 35 Vs.
Big yellow fannysplash! Oh, this, this on the bridge.
I'm on it. It's rude. Tut, tut.
Teal, why don't you do the contact? Airscreen, visualate!
Hello. We are the British ship HMS Camden Lock. Hi there!
Just sorry, are you smuggling? Because you shouldn't, drugs are bad, so can you stop?
Give me that. Attention.
This area is under British surveillance.
We are authorised by HM Customs and Excise to use maximum force.
Therefore come out of your ship with at least two years' VAT receipts...
or die.
No response, Commander.
Death shall be their girlfriend.
I've seen that ship before.
Vine, extrapolate the course.
Ten. Nine.
Four. Three.
Zer... Stop!
That's Clare Winchester! The round the galaxy solo spacewoman!
Oh, her. Breaks all the records.
Started from nothing. She ain't got no friends.
That's the one. She won't have seen a British soul in two years.
Why don't we surprise her? 20 laser salute!
A pointless indulgence! She'll love it! Pull alongside. Piss.
You know, she won the Earth to Mars race aged 13
in a ship her dad built from an old Land Rover.
What d'you think about that?
Exactly. Set lasers to patriotic.
Commander.
Commencify!
RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS
Airscreen on.
SHE SCREAMS WILDLY
HE CHUCKLES
Hello. I am Commander Michael Henderson of the HMS Camden Lock.
The lights! The lights! Noooo!
I'd just like to say on behalf of me and my crew,
and all your loved ones back in Blighty, just for the record - attagirl!
CALMLY: They're in my head.
The lights are in my head. Oh. Dig them out.
Dig them out. Be fine, probably.
Clare Winchester.
YORK MUMBLES Thank you.
You know, I mean... YORK MUMBLES
in retrospect... YORK MUMBLES
I don't think she's very well. Thank you.
HE MUMBLES
I mean, she's been on her own for a long time.
I think...
I think she's gone off the rails a little bit.
What I'm going to do is I'm gonna go over there
and put her back in the saddle.
So, you're neglecting our mission. And for what?
A Brit in distress. A famous British person in distress.
It's not like that. You think she's going to mention you in her next book.
Invite you to award ceremonies.
Call her next ship The Golden Henderson or something.
It's almost too pathetic to snigger at, but not quite. Ha!
You are totally wrong. And The Golden Henderson is a very good name for a ship.
Leave him alone. I will. On a ship for several hours
with an attractive young woman starved of company.
Actually, I don't think you should go. Come on. Commander. Yeah, Vine?
The Danish guy's on the air screen.
Does he look like he's got the hump? Oh, yes.
Hump. Let's go.
Come here. Well, I've heard that she doesn't even fly her own ship.
Come on, get out. Henderson.
We see you are straying into box number nine.
We thought eight, nine, pretty close, what the hey?
We feel talents such as yours are best deployed in Box number eight.
Oh, sorry, I couldn't quite catch that.
I think there is a little bit of astral interference your end. Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
INTERFERENCE, THEY ALL WHISTLE
Hello, welcome to Copenhagen...
Eeeehhhhhhh...and...
Pretty good one today. Pretty good one.
Oscillating cable flux - check.
Trim starboard sail five degrees.
Yes, I am doing it right!
I checked that half an hour ago!
OK, look, I think we have got some serious issues to discuss.
OK, if you're not going to trust me in the navigation of... Hello!
What a smashing little set up you got!
Get out! Get out of my ship!
Get out! Clare Winchester.
Yeah. Commander Henderson.
I spoke to you from the Camden Lock, on the airscreen. Oh. Hi.
I'm doing a solo mission which means I have to be alone or it doesn't count.
So it's nice to meet you, but bye.
I was close, I thought I'd pop over...
That's sweet, but I just can't... Hold still. Wahey!
One for the album, eh? BEEPING
That is why I can't have anyone... Sixth.
Oh God! It's amazing, what's all this? Look at this table.
I don't like it, the spankies get in and make me...
A little toilet. Don't touch that...that's got...
It's run out of the cleaner stuff and it's gone really quite... Yeah.
God, I knew it. Wow!
Ends in a nine!
Nine pocket, eight pocket, seven six five pocket, four pocket, three pocket, two pocket, one.
Wow, what a good cake. No! No, that's my only slice.
I'm sorry you can't have that, cos I'm saving that for the Christmas after next. And...
Look, you know it's so nice to meet you, it's so nice for me to have you but I'm afraid I'm quite busy.
All right... So, thanks.
Do what you've got to do.
Clare Winchester!
Attention all crew.
This is Mr York speaking.
The Commander is temporarily absent, leaving me in charge.
But, whilst he is away, good news.
We are going to have another one of our Personal Combat Readiness Drives.
And I suggest that you all remain alert.
Very alert, for I may physically attack any one of you at any time.
Carry on. York out.
Is that just for cadets and that, or does it apply to officers?
Ha! Do you submit? Yes!
Learn, Vine. Learn.
The bit between your bumhole and your girl-place!
And fix Sandstrom, Jeffers.
Or you're next.
Must get to you being out here,
on your own. Must get quite lonely, I guess.
No, it's fine. Yeah?
Mr Cup says I'm hearing things. But then what does he know? He's just a cup.
Yeah, he is just a cup.
Don't talk about Mr Cup like that.
(He's very violent.)
As I say, I think it's really got to you.
But starting right now, right this minute,
let's see if we can't turn that frown upside down, yeah?
All right, shut your eyes.
No, I don't want to. Really?
No, no.
OK.
Good, OK. You're going to like this.
This is great.
OK...open.
Look, look.
"Me? Stressed?" he's saying.
I got one of these up in the toilet. It always works, always.
York's giving it all that and Teal's giving it all this,
bit hassled, I just look at that and I think,
Henderson, man... Chill your loaf. Look at the monkey.
It's an ape.
It's a monkey.
I hate it.
Clare, I am trying to reach out to you and you are making it very difficult for me.
It's pathetic. It's so pathetic. I don't really know what to say to you.
You think that's pathetic? I do.
Fine. Do you know what I think is pathetic? What?
You going round the galaxy making a zero in the sky cos you've got no mates.
Waaah. That's pathetic, madam.
Idiot. You fat idiot. SHE SOBS
Attention all crew. A rumour has been circulating
that the P in the P-Rods used in the engine room
stands for plutonium.
It doesn't. It stands for "Perfectly safe."
'Hello.' Hello... 'It's the Commander.'
'My suit radio's turned off right now but please leave a message.' BEEP
Hello, Commander. Hi. Just ringing really to make sure you're OK.
So, you're probably on your way back but just, if you get a mo, do give me a call back. Thank you.
Hello, sorry, it's me again.
Me as in Teal. I was just ringing to say it was me, Teal, because I didn't say that before
so you might have wondered "Who is that at the end of the phone?"
Hang on, there's a call waiting so I'll just... 'This is Mr York speak...'
No, that's not you. So I'll get off in case you're ringing.
We might be calling each other at the same time, like...
(Like a couple...)
CLARE SOBS QUIETLY
I didn't mean what I said, I'm sorry.
You did mean it. You did.
It's what everyone says about me. Clare Winchester's got no friends. It's true.
Maybe they're just jealous, you know.
I'm jealous.
You know what I'm doing up here?
I'm patrolling a little empty box of space, cos the Danish don't trust me with the big stuff.
I wouldn't tell that to the guys but...
..I know it's true. And you...
you're travelling round the galaxy quicker than anyone has ever done. And that is special, you know.
You're special. I'm not.
You are, you're brave and you're pretty.
I know you've a got a nice smile, cos I've seen it. There it is.
No-one's ever said all that to me before.
We've got a lot in common, Clare, you and me, you know.
You started out from nothing, and me,
when I was a cadet... No, stop.
Keep talking about me.
All right, what d'you want me to say?
What do you think about my hair?
I think your hair
is very...nice.
And mouse is a very underrated colour.
SOUNDS OF FIGHTING, SCREAMING
Now, if we go back to box eight, I've plotted a course that'll get us...
Oh, no, Mr York, not again, you've already done me four times. Yes.
You're right, you've had your share.
Now I've plotted a course that'll bypass the positronic...
You see, if I were a Red Shiny Robot of Vortis, I would now be drilling into your head to extract your mind.
Never let your guard down, Mr Vine.
What d'you think of my fingers?
Well, I...
I can't think of a better way to end your hand.
What d'you want me to do? My ear.
I liked it when you said the other one was like a shell. OK, OK.
Oh, this one is like a shell too.
Clare, look...
I think you're going to be all right now, yeah?
I'm gonna have to go back to my own ship. But I want you to keep the poster, "Me stressed".
Think of it as a little present, yeah?
Ooh, you wouldn't mind signing your book for me, would you?
I mean, you could put something like "To my inspiration, Michael 'Mike' Henderson.
"He did more for me than real words could ever say." Something like that.
I mean, write what you want, it's your book. Don't go.
Clare, I can't leave that lot on their own!
Stay and say nice things to me.
For how long?
Until I get bored and have to kill you.
What you doing? I don't care what you think, Mr Cup. I'm keeping him.
And you know what, we're going to have sex later.
I think I'm going to mount him.
What d'you think about my cheeks?
I think they're round, and rosy, like a dumpling.
What about my face chin?
Beautiful, like a warmed baguette.
I would like to see it again.
Hello. There's been a change of plan, I'm staying on Clare's ship.
It's quite nice really, a real des RES.
No CUE for the bathroom. And the ME-als seem very nice indeed.
So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not worry about me.
Bye. Bye.
I think...
I think he might be in danger.
Yes. But unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing we can do.
Commander Henderson was a brave man, we'll not see his like again.
Mmmm? And in honour of him, I shall rename the level three snack bar
the Henderson Level Three Snack Bar.
Or... I could use our recently honed combat skills, head an elite team,
get in there and rescue him.
I think we should do that, we should probably do that.
But would that be an appropriate use of the ship's resources?
TEARFULLY: I think it would, actually.
Damn it, we're going in. Follow me to the armoury.
He wouldn't do this for us. He would.
He wouldn't. He would. He would not. He loves us. Love? What does that mean?
I've got a nephew who thinks you're brilliant.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to forge an emotional connection with me, so that in the end I won't kill you.
I've done a hostage course too. Really? The New Portsmouth one?
Yeah. How did you know that? Oh, everyone does that one. The Bob Gardner one.
Big bloke. Ex-para. Loves his line-dancing.
He has a beard. Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Really funny thing happened, actually, when I did that one.
He was late, and he... You're doing it again. Yeah, sorry. So I am.
Mr Cup says I should just kill you now.
Good old Mr Cup.
BEEPING
Ends in a nine! Nine pocket, eight pocket, seven, six, five pocket,
four pocket, three pocket, two pocket, one.
I'm surprised you don't do Kings and Queens.
What's Kings and Queens? Oh, just an old Space Force superstition.
OK. Let's try and get this right.
You hold something blue, and you shut your eyes and you recite all the kings and queens of England.
And what does that do? Stops your flux cables from overloading.
I haven't got time for that. Whatever. Your cables, darlin'.
William the First. Shut your eyes, or it won't work.
William the First, William the Second.
Henry the First.
Stephen. Stephen.
Why don't we get all that?
Design and build your own. As I did.
V Force - assume formation.
V Force.
I think we should be K Force. It's "V force", Mr Jeffers.
V. V for Vanquish.
Vengeance. Victory.
Vindication. Verve. Vim, vigour.
Ooh, vaporise, just thought of that one. Lot of choice with a V.
But it's a bit, "We're in outer space."
You might as well say X force.
X force. You are seriously comparing V force with X force?
X Force sounds fine to me, to be honest. For goodness sake, does it really matter what we're called?
Can we just get on with it please? What about "Guardians of the Cosmos"?
I take it you fixed Sandstrom, Jeffers? I have.
Because I won't have a foul-mouthed cyborg in charge of this vessel while we're gone. Silver angels?
I fixed her.
If you're lying to me...
Eeeeehh! Huh?
V force! Listen up.
The Commander may have Stockholm syndrome, in which he identifies with his captor.
If this should be the case, if he resists,
I order you to neutralise him with extreme prejudice.
Don't you dare hurt him, Mr York!
If you do, I'll pummel you with my stun-pummeller.
Don't think I won't. Oh!
To the airlock!
VINE: The Sky Valkyries?
King Charles the Third.
King Harry the First.
Queen Shanice.
King Keith.
EXPLOSION, SCREAMING
Allow us to introduce ourselves!
We are the four horseman of your own private apocalypse.
Get off my head, Jeffers! You tit!
Commander? Drop your weapons! And sit down on my bed.
Sandstrom! We're drifting away from the other ship.
Quim!
Yeah, well, we thought, maybe we should correct the course, a bit. Tit, with a knot in it!
There's too many of you, you'll slow my ship down.
And I only need one of you to say nice things. Look, Clare.
Spare me and murder my crew, what does that make you?
Who says I'm keeping you, huh?
Oh, I just assumed.
Maybe someone else is better at compliments.
Nobody speak. I would just like to say that I love the way you hold a gun.
A lady certainly doesn't have to wash to smell sexy.
What?!
Mr Cup says I should just kill you now.
Mr Cup says it's the only way.
It's the cup, it's the yellow cup.
Mr Cup says I should just pull the trigger.
Mr Cup says it's the only way.
ALARMS BEEP
You are not welcome in this quadrant.
You have thirty seconds to leave. The Danes!
The next shot will not be a warning.
Danes. They're docked with a Lemurian freighter.
Hang on, the Lemurians are...
Notorious drug smugglers. And the Danes are in on it! And that is why they kept us in Box number eight!
They mustn't see we're here. I suggest we keep back and stay...
Shame on you! Henderson?
You've dragged the great name of Denmark through the mud, you drug-trafficker! Oh!
You're a bloody disgrace.
A disgrace to bacon, and a disgrace to Lego.
And a disgrace to the legend of the great Peter Schmeichel.
You will go right now, sir, to Starbase Three, and you will turn yourself in, and face justice.
Kill them.
Clare! Clare, we need to go to my ship.
Mr Cup says I'm imagining you.
Mr Cup says I'm imagining all this.
It'll all stop in a minute.
Listen to me. Mr Cup is a prick.
He is pure ceramic evil. Don't listen to him.
Fly us to my ship, and I'll protect us.
Mr Cup says you're wrong. He says I'm stupid for ever believing that you're real.
Mr Cup says it's exactly the kind of stupid stupid stupid thing that I'm always doing...
Mr Cup, will you just shut up!
CUP SMASHES
Clare? Where to?
Camden Lock! Camden Lock!
We have two hostile ships in pursuit. Open fire when in range.
Drink my jacksie juice!
You said you fixed her!
Sandstrom.
Open fire when in range. Do you understand?
Slam your cock in the fridge.
She doesn't understand.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
She no longer understands English. Don't you see?
Ploppymouth Two has now corrupted her entire operating system.
If we converse with her in sufficiently base terms, she may follow our commands.
You want me to swear? It's our only fighting chance.
Sandstrom, you...erm...
Helmet worm!
What?
Sandstrom, you helmet worm.
Open fire on enemy spunkbuckets.
Cocking confirmed!
Fly true, you silver dart of fury!
Destroy!
You've done it, you bastards!
Yes. Yes. Come on. Yeah?
Oh! You liked that, you little nutcase, didn't you?
And so, thanks to the brave actions of my crew,
the peril of the spectre of the nightmare of the menace of drugs,
has been banished from this sector for a long, long time to come.
This concludes my report.
I am Commander Michael Mike Hendo Henderson. Out.
Yes, today we were fortunate.
But the forces of evil encircle us hour by hour, like thirsty she-wolves.
And sooner or later they shall pounce, oh, yes, they shall pounce.
You've always got to bring the bloody mood down. What do you mean?
Set course for the Lakeworld of Sproo. We've earned a few days fishing.
Hear my tongue. They shall pounce. Lighten up! Sandstrom?
Commencify that course. Yes, Commander.
Good to have you back, kiddo. Airscreen. Port view, please.
There she goes.
And into the history books.
She'll be all right now.
Oscillator B levelling off at twelve - check.
Vector 18 by three...
by 266. Will you stop wolf-whistling while I do this?
I'm trying to do some work, here.
I don't do that kind of thing straight away, in a relationship.
You'll have to bear with me here, I wanna go slowly.
Work-based romance is notoriously difficult and my last boyfriend was a terrible, terrible bastard.
No, you're not. You're not an ape.
You're a monkey. A dirty, dirty monkey!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk