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MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey"
COMPUTER: Tell me the colour of the letters in this word.
Yes, yes, yes. You want me to say green but the answer is red.
How childish.
Blue?!
Listen, you messed up tangle of circuitry.
Want to see a test of character?
Put two astronauts in a burning ship with one escape pod
and a knife on the table. Then you'll see character! Hur!
Pink.
HE CHOKES
Arrange the blocks in order of yellowness.
Stage. Ooh ooh!
I know! Now this reminds me of when I was in the youth orchestra.
Me and my friends, to be honest, were a little bit crazy.
They called us the Wacky Woodwinds.
Brilliant. One answers, please.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Sunset. Despair.
What is the next shape in this sequence?
I got the nail gun.
You are entering a private residential area of space.
Avert your course.
Do not trespass.
Avert your course.
'Hello. We're not here right now.
'We're having some psychological tests to make sure we haven't all gone nutty.
'But leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.'
Hang on, let me get this right. If Marianne jumps twice as far as Nat,
but Nat jumps a metre further than Bill, then Marianne has jumped...
METALLIC SCREECHES I thought... Oh.
Ahh, I see what you're doing.
Test of concentration. "Can he think under fire?"
Whoa...!
Commander!
Gor... Commander! Got to check his scores.
Commander...
You don't think that's real, do you?! It's part of the test! Eerrt. You have failed.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Hull breach!
We should go and have a look.
Hull breach. Hull breach.
All right. I mean, we took some damage.
Here, we're using the term, "heavy damage."
But it just goes to show how dedicated my crew were to passing your test.
The test they failed.
This is just paper. It's not real life.
Let's have a little review.
"Cadet Harris has manic tendencies."
I mean, so what? She's bloody good at her job.
"And Engineer Dobbs has a fantasy where he holes up in a railway shed and make models of his friends...
"from his own...
"waste."
I mean...
we've all done it.
We have a bit of a meeting with the Admiral this afternoon. Yeah. Very informal.
Everyone's terribly fond of you. But there was a feeling in the room,
and I don't want to go against the feeling in the room. No, of course you don't.
That with all the things happening lately, well...
How old is she?
40?! She doesn't look it!
Where was I? All the things that have been happening lately.
Yeah. We're sending a ship.
They'll be with you in a week.
They'll give you a Category J inspection.
Phwurr...
Urgh...
(We'll never pass a Category J.)
No-one's ever passed...
Ooh! There's cake!
Commander?
MOURNFUL ACCORDION
Category J. H-hm.
Category J.
He did say Category J, didn't he?
I mean, he didn't say Category K, or....
No, he said J.
They'll inspect every last wire and screw on this ship until they find something to fail us on.
They always do. But you've got a plan, haven't you? You've always got a plan.
Come on, what is it?
A man mind-melds with a sentient black hole, and somehow that sorts it all out.
Come on. What is it?
I don't have a plan.
We're gonna be discharged with dishonour.
Oh, will you please stop! Don't, don't!
ACCORDION CONTINUES
It's on auto!
You bloody cheat.
How often do you do that? Hardly ever.
A lot.
INSTRUMENTS BLEEP
Vine.
Vine...
Camden Lock to Eridanus base, stop mucking about, over.
'Don't know what you mean.'
Vine! Vine, you are the chosen one.
We are coming for you, Vine.
From a distant galaxy.
Of all the humans,
you are the spe...
Vi-i-ine!
You may be resigned to failure. I am not.
It's out of our hands.
Give me control of this ship for a week and the inspection shall be passed. I refuse to fail!
I can't go back to Earth.
Mother will make me wear...
I refuse! That's all!
I don't fancy your chances very much but...
you may have command.
You won't regret it, Sir.
I want you to take this.
I carry it with me all the time.
A young cadet gave it to me.
She never made it through the Nebula Wars.
But, you know, when I look at this, it reminds me that...
I'm here to serve the crew,
never the other way round.
Thank you, Commander.
Waste chute closed.
OK, yoganauts. Let's try cat.
And breathe in.
And into puppy.
It's a stressful time, Mr York. We all need yoga.
Everybody, socks and shoes on.
Teal, put me on every screen and speaker on this goddamn ship.
You're on.
Attention all crew.
This is Mr York speaking.
The Commander is currently indisposed.
The ship is now mine.
I have to tell you that in a week's time we face a Category J inspection.
That's right, I repeat, a Category J inspection.
Our margin for error is precisely 0.0.
At times like this, Commander Henderson would no doubt tell you that he believed in you.
I will not. I have absolutely no faith whatsoever in any of you.
You are all miserable wretches who have proven your mediocrity to me time and time again.
And your only hope of success is to submit utterly to my will.
There will be no more alcohol.
No more fast food. No more thinking.
I am the master,
you are my tools.
I am the Alpha and the Omega.
York out.
COCKEREL CROWS
4.20am!
Wake up!
Time to obey. Time to obey ME.
Time to obey ME without question!
Time to obey ME without question, but with gratitude!
Time to obey ME without question, but with gratitude for having been given orders to OBEY by ME!
And remember, work makes us PURE.
Fatigue is the little Dutch girl, tempting us with the fatty cheese of rest.
Ignore her cheese. Do not pause to admire her windmills.
I said, "Do NOT pause to admire her windmills." Revive him.
Extend his shift, and dock his wages and rations accordingly.
'I grow weary of this war.
'The forces of evil are too great, even for me!
'And I will not put Robot in any more danger.'
ROBOTIC BLEEPS
'Captain Helix, heroes rise, and heroes fall.
'But you are a hero to heroes.
'Be all you can be.
'Robot...
'To the mountains of Zarn!'
Zarn.
Turn it off. Off!
HE SOBS
Vine!
We are closer, Vine. Close enough to speak to you with pure thought.
Who are you?
We are the wise ones, the cosmic lords.
We choose one from each sentient species
to join our group consciousness.
We will show you our power.
Vine. I am you in the past.
I am you in the future.
And I am you if you were wearing a red jumper.
Dance, Vine.
Dance with you.
Celebrate our coming!
Er, Jeffers. Jeffers...
Hiya, Jeffers.
What juices you got? Orange juice, tomato juice and special juice.
Special juice? Right. How much is that?
Same as a vodka and orange.
I'll have a special juice then.
Oh...
Good evening. Mr York.
Mr York. Mr Jeffers, I find myself a little parched.
I wonder if I might have a little sip of your...fruit juice?
As I suspected.
All drinks, into the waste chute with them.
Piretti, the bottles.
And punishment,
all of you will gather in my quarters in the next five minutes,
form a circle and flog each other in a daisy chain of retribution.
This is bollocks. I know.
You lot should do something.
Like what? I dunno. A sit-in.
An anti-York sit-in.
Where? In the Control Room.
All right. Oi! Jeffers wants a sit-in, in the Control Room!
When shall we do it? Now? All right, Jeffers wants it now!
I'm just having a laugh. This is...
ALL: Jeffers! Jeffers!
ALL: Jeffers! Steady on, this is just bar talk.
Yoo-hoo.
Commander?
Hey, Teal. Hello.
I was just a bit worried about you, so I've come to gee you up.
I know that you'd gee me up. So we're a sort of gee you up library service to each other, as it were.
Bless you, Teal.
You know, what am I gonna do?
You take me out of this job, I haven't got any skills.
You can learn new skills.
It would have been nice then if you said, "Yeah, you've got skills!"
Sorry. Yeah, you've got skills.
Too late, sorry.
Discharge with dishonour.
You know, I won't even get to wear the club tie.
It's got little...
blue rockets all over it.
I've always wanted it, you know? Yeah.
I tell you what you need.
You need a little hug, from Miss Teal.
Yeah. Maybe... Yeah.
Maybe I do. Just a big hug.
There we are. Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!
Teal. Ssh! No need to speak.
Just rest till morning.
Teal...
please can you take your hand from out of there.
Sorry.
Look...
It's out of the underpants, but it's still on the erm...
Is it? Yeah.
EXCITED SHOUTS
Vine, we're having a sit-in. You coming?
I would but I'm the Chosen One.
Oh, right. Yeah, there's these beings and they're immortal.
I'm going to join them and be a guardian of the universe forever.
So all these human worries will seem infinitely small. Yeah.
Good luck with it though.
Cheers. Come on! Freedom!
You don't have access rights. There's expensive equipment in here. It's the ship's hub.
What are you doing?! Make yourselves comfortable(!)
Are we gonna get food?
Enough said. There is never an excuse for juggling. Thank you. No juggling.
No. This is a navigational...
And who, I wonder, is behind all THIS?!
ALL: Jeffers.
Look, I can't be arsed with this any more than you can,
but the little people are angry so I'm gonna help you out.
I'm gonna say "no floggings and booze on Saturdays,"
and you say, "Damn you, but yes,"
and I'll do a bit of shouting. Mmm?
Good plan.
Yeah. Thanks. OK.
And I'm gonna tell you one more time!
No floggings, and more booze on Saturdays!
ALL: Yeah!
What do you say?
I say...
you are all mutinous scum.
But having said that, I go on to say this...
Imagine a ball of iron the size of the sun and, once a year,
a tiny cock sparrow brushes its surface with the tip of its wing.
And when that ball of iron, the size of the sun, is worn away to...
WHISPERED: nothing...
then your collective punishment will barely have begun.
Ooh, the things I will do to you!
Your futile attempts at resistance amuse me.
What? Oh, if I must go, then I must.
SANDSTROM: 'Attention.
'Crew Members are requested not to join the riot on levels one to five.
'That's the riot on levels one to five.'
CRASHES AND THUDS
YORK CLEARS THROAT
Huh!
Actually, er,
it might surprise you, I, er,
sometimes watch a bit of Captain Helix myself, you know.
I know.
I liked the fourth season best
when they got rid of that stupid robot.
You're so wrong.
Michael...
I've lost the ship.
I know.
Oh, I know I can be a bit old guard sometimes, but...
it's for everybody's benefit.
So why are they all so damned...
hard on me?
Eduardo.
Don't touch me.
The crew despise me.
No...
it's true.
They do.
But they like you.
I don't know why...
but they like you.
And that's... that's why you can help me.
Commander,
I need you to help me.
Commander...
you're going to get up now,
get out there
and you're going to make it...
better again.
You're a hero to heroes.
Be all you can be.
That's Helix.
That's me, and the ship.
York...
(..I'm ready.)
(Give me my watch.)
Is it really that important?
Just find it! Yes.
Er...yes.
ENOUGH!
(You better get the hell out of my chair right now.)
I am not going to ask who started this...
ALL: Jeffers. It was Jeffers.
MOUTHS: It was not.
..because I don't need to know. ALL: Jeffers.
Ee-ee-eep!
As of now, it is finished.
Over.
In three days,
we face a Category J inspection.
We can't pass it.
It's impossible.
Impossible.
But you know what?
There was a time when...
men said that climbing Ben Nevis was impossible.
They said that giving a man a squirrel's heart was impossible, and look what happened.
You will be the first crew to pass a Category J test.
Not because I'm asking you to,
but because you know what it means to be Space Force.
You volunteered.
Well, I mean, some of you did a crime so it was this or prison, but you know, a lot of you...
..a large proportion of you... (Yeah.)
..volunteered.
Guys...
HE CHUCKLES
Mmm.
..I've been on a crazy
freaked out trip this week, you know,
to a place called despair.
I had a little look around.
I didn't like it. Pthrpt.
So I got on a bus...and I came back.
But I'm not getting off this bus at hope.
No way.
I'm staying on it all the way to victory.
Why don't you guys come with me?
Eh?
Yeah? ALL: Yeah.
Good. Now, clean it up!
LOCKS CLUNK AND HISS
Morning, Commander. Morning, Inspector.
I think we'll start in the engine room. Yes. This way.
Excellent.
Air ducts, adequate.
Vine. Vine.
We are here.
Across four galaxies we have travelled.
It was five, yes.
I drove for a bit, remember?
Oh, yes.
Come, Vine. Come to us.
Now, you are ready.
Ah, the Chosen One.
I've got him, I've got him!
Get his trousers down!
Ooh-hoo-hoo! It's a hairy one! Get the camera!
Get the camera! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
ALIENS CACKLE
Get it on the wall! Get it on the wall!
How many's that now?
61 million,
110,000 arses! THEY CACKLE
Back you go!
The Chosen One(!)
You bloody shits!
Ooh. Sense of humour failure.
BOTH: Ta-ra!
Good.
How did we do? I've been doing this five years.
Yours is the smartest ship I've seen in that time.
Your crew are a credit to you.
So, I mean...did we...
Oh, it's a fail. Oh-whoa-whoa...
One uniform infringement. Thank God I saw that or I don't know what I'd have done.
Goodbye.
What can I say, Henderson?
I feel really awful about this. Probably worse than you,
but, um, what can I say?
Well, you could say, "I'll review my decision."
That's something I can't say.
Stuart! Dominic! Hi. Grrr!
And congratulations... Commander!
What?!
You can always change that shirt. Good.
Why don't you wait for me over there? I won't be a sec.
You'll return to Starbase Three under fighter escort.
Oh, and the Admiral would like to thank you...
because...
"you've made a contribution"?!
We made...we made a contribution.
That's right, his own words. (His own words.)
Stuart? Space Marsh... No, Stuart,
tell the Admiral that starting with the rotating dish at the top,
through admin and the hover pad, right the way down to the grand atrium,
he can take his entire Starbase and he can shove it up his fat airlock.
That's good. Thank you.
(Come on, Henderson. Don't do this.)
We're not coming in. No!
We've been friends for ages...
Goodbye. Michael?!
Come on!
My god!
So what happens now? Are we pirates? Will there be hats?
No, we don't get hats.
We go on with the mission.
To protect Britain's interests in an ever-changing galaxy, even if...
Britain doesn't quite want us to.
Thank you, Teal.
You know, sometimes, to protect the spirit of the law, a man must...
Oh, I can't believe I did that.
Commander, we've got a signal.
The insectoids of Warris are attacking the British settlers on Regulus Prime.
British? Yes.
British settlers.
All right. Let's do our job. Mr Vine,
set course for Regulus Prime. Yes, Commander.
Mr York?
Sweet York, if you please? Commander.
Sandstrom? Full power!
Oh, I love it!
You...
I just thought you should know... Yeah.
Nine British ships closing on us.
Oh.
MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey"
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2006
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk