WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
STEADY BREATHING THROUGH MASK
Approaching the object.
STEADY BREATHING CONTINUES
Oh, listen to him.
Jeffers, the pod is oxygenated.
You don't have to do that!
Please don't spoil it.
Extending grappling arm.
HE MAKES BEEPING SOUND What is that thing, York?
Broken exhaust casing? Discarded fuel cell maybe?
What if it was a marker put down by an ancient civilisation
revealing a message encrypted in the position of the stars themselves or, if you will Mr York, the Star Code.
Still reading that cheap Spaceport trash, I see! Retrieval complete.
Returning to Bay Six.
Carefully, Jeffers, mind the arm. Mind the arm on the...!
Argh! Pellets!
Don't touch it, Commander.
Its origin is still unsourced and you're far too important to the ship.
Vine, touch it! Go on. Get in.
It's emitting a pulse.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13.
Then back to two again. A totally random pattern.
They are all prime numbers. Well, I mean, unless you're counting the really obvious pattern.
Look, if it can transmit maybe it can receive.
Send it the next number in the sequence. Number 15. Commander. Commencify my ruling, please!
Five times three. Sorry, 16. 17!
Why though? 17. Number 17. That's the one, Commander.
COMPUTER WHIRRS Oh!
Oh, yes, it's ancient Jundarin.
Oh, I did this at school. "What's the point of doing a dead language, Teal?"
This is the point, isn't it? I'm talking to the trendy set, that's one in the eye for them.
Concentrate, will you, and tell me what it says. Sorry, sorry.
"We are entombed. Danger surrounds us. A Great One shall free us.
"And he shall live forever in our chronicles."
A calling
from the ancients.
It sent a map to my console.
Wants us to go to a small moon, 34 light years away.
Hey, that's right round the corner. What do you think, huh? Something a bit different for a Tuesday?
A hero trap. A classic hero trap. HE SCOFFS
I'm no hero, Mr York, although the thousands I've saved may disagree. Exactly.
What's a hero trap? Hey, Sandstrom, get us to that moon.
We're coming, ancient one.
What's a hero trap?
It's what we're not hurtling blindly towards apparently.
York? Teal? Shuttle bay three.
Commander! Commander, here.
Who's in charge when you're away?
Jeffers is the next most senior officer. So, I guess, Jeffers.
I want to do it. I never do it.
I touched the cone.
Yeah, you did touch the cone.
And you touched it very nicely.
All right, all right.
I'll give you a chance. I'd better tell Jeffers. It's OK, I'll do it.
Taking responsibility, Dave.
I like that very much.
Ciao.
Blend of exotic species from several different worlds.
Oh, hello, wisteria! I used to grow that.
Never used to thrive cos of the chalky soil. I'm wittering cos I'm concerned I'm about to die.
Easy, Commander.
That's it? No guardian monsters or anything?
There may be trip wires, Commander.
No, there isn't.
Funny, thought it'd be harder than this.
OK. OK. OK.
I put this on the top and the ancient ones shall be free.
Commander, what is a hero trap?
Stop banging on about...
Look, a hero trap is not this all right, it's when
a Commander finds a map or a signal, with a promise of treasure or glory.
It's a set-up. And there are some bad, bad people there who do
some ransoming and some torturing and usually a lot of cutting.
But it's very rare.
Don't have nightmares.
All right? OK, OK.
I'll put this on and the ancient ones
shall be FREE!
Phew! Maybe it's not on right.
Can we go back?
Commander, will you carry me? I'm tired.
I don't want to carry you. I thought it might be a... HE GASPS
Ah! They're free after thousands of millennias.
Oh, Commander, I can't move my legs.
That's their way of saying, "You're nice, will you hang around for a bit?"
Commander, I think I should point out
that my weapon's being atomised into some sort of shimmering golden dust.
Oh, that's because they believe in peace. Oh, York, it's so beautiful. EERIE LAUGHTER
Listen, they're laughing, they're happy!
ECHOEY VOICES LAUGH IN THE DISTANCE
It's turning into a bit of a mocking laugh, Commander. Yeah, yes, yes.
It's really very, very bad.
I'm sorry.
FANFARE PLAYS Oh...
Silence!
They were silent, Father.
Well, that's good then.
Queppunians!
Supreme Ruler, a pleasure to meet you again.
And Lavya...
Sweet, sweet Lavya.
Advanced technology, space travel, what's happened to you? A-ha!
Are you saying you marvel at our technology? I wouldn't say "marvel".
He marvelled. I think everyone saw him marvel there.
Put him on the marvel chart.
As a grade two marvel. I hardly think it's worth... I grade the marvels!
Some other aliens came just after your visit.
Kind aliens.
They said, "We will share our science with you."
And all they asked for in return was half my population
to grind up in their mandibles and feed to their larval young. You see?
Different cultures can get along.
Hey! Jeffers, how's your chair? Got a lumbar support?
I have.
SCREEN BLEEPS
Um, Sir. Sir.
Mr Vine, sir. Sorry to interrupt, Sir, but there's 20 ships outside.
Attention! You are surrounded by the royal fleet of Queppu.
Any attempt to move or communicate will result in your annihilation. Oh.
Now. What fate awaits you? We have many new inventions on Queppu.
Cold fusion.
An apron that makes it look like you have the bits of a naked lady.
But the most popular is the thing you call telescreenovision.
And you will be the stars of our latest programme.
Its name is Death Game!
CHANTING: Death Game, Death Game, Death Game...!
There are a thousand cameras in this forest.
Every day they shall watch you do battles against ever more dangerous foes, until you die.
And every night they shall watch you bicker while you cook your meal. I know what you're thinking.
It's got everything! And I will co-host a lively discussion programme called Death Game Chatbox.
You will marvel at our brand extension!
Now, let the game begin.
As I believe they say on your world, revenge is a dish best served on a bed of rice.
Cold. It's best served cold.
I will decide how revenge is best served around here! And it's rice!
LOUD RUMBLING
BLEEPING
PRESENTER: Broadcasting live from the forest moon of Grundtal-Mossby,
it's Death Game!
They're not going to try and kill us on the first night all right.
I'm hoping for a hamper and maybe a Mexican theme night, could be fun.
And they may make us wallow in a hot bubbly tub together. Well, that's OK.
So here's the first assassin.
The bare-knuckle fighting champion of the Queppu army. Sergeant Destruction!
HE GROWLS AND HOWLS AGGRESSIVELY
We need some ideas quick. OK, violence is often down to poor nutrition.
So if we could just find a way to give him Omega 3 tablets.
Leave this to me.
He's spitting...
Whoa! Yeah, yeah, sure you're a big guy, but ask yourself this.
Are you as fast as me?
Ha! Get back!
Why are you here, Sergeant?
Did they put you away for a crime you didn't commit?
Huh? Took away your wife, your child?
Took everything from you till all you could do to ease the pain was fight? Huh?
It doesn't need to be like this. I can help you. What do you say, huh?
Hah!
Ta-da! Oh, York!
I am not loving that.
I was just going to turn him, he was going to be our gentle giant buddy, the ogre with a heart of gold.
Oh well, excuse me for saving your miserable, ungrateful life!
Don't know why I bother.
Right I'm going to find whatever this planet's version of a squirrel is and kick it to death.
You can be very insensitive at times, Mr York. You've upset him now, Commander.
Well, what are we going to do, Vine?
They could die at any minute, do you understand that? So could we.
And now everyone here is looking to you for the answer.
I've got it! I've got a plan!
What?
We are going to take an ocular-based overview of the current crisis situation.
We're going to watch telly?
Yeah. We're going to watch them till we think of something.
Now listen up, everybody.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy.
There's be a lot of eye strain, a lot of stiff necks,
a lot of raised blood pressure through eating too many crisps.
But we'll do it for them! Who's with me? Yes!
Come on.
Vine. This is not a solution. This is just... Shush.
TV THEME MUSIC PLAYS Fine.
HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA
PLAYS ON TV, AND HENDERSON COPIES BADLY ON THE HARMONICA
HE SIGHS
I had an idea for a telly show once.
Kids' show.
Dino-Wizards.
They're dinosaurs, right, fine?
Here's the twist. They're also wizards.
It's good, isn't it?
Never been done, never been done. I've got the theme tune if you want to hear it.
Let me try, see if I can remember it.
HE BLOWS THE HARMONICA, AND SINGS No, too high for me.
HE BLOWS ANOTHER NOTE AND TRIES TO SING
♪ Dino-wizards, working hard at dinoschool.
♪ Dino-wizards, prehistoric magic school!
♪ Whoa, whoa! ♪
Watch out, guys, here comes Tyrannosaurus Hex! Rrrr!
How's the meal coming along, Teal? Obviously it's going to be awful. I couldn't find any wild garlic.
There was fennel and thyme, but does that go with rat?
I don't know, and there were no cookbooks! This is inhumane!
Well, death did not come today but it sent a card.
When that card arrives tomorrow, the day after, that card will read,
"Happy death day to you, happy death day to you, happy death day, happy death day,
"happy death day...to you."
I've been thinking about how we
got here. I've always got to be the bloody hero, haven't I?
Well, when we get off this hunka stinkin' moss, I'm going to start doing things a bit differently.
I'm going to listen to you two a lot more. Really? Yes. Well, not so much you.
If you two said different things, I'd probably have to go with York because he does outrank you.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's your rat that's gone in the fire. So you can't eat that at all.
Never mind.
Who needs food when you've got music?
Two, three, four... HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA
GAME SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
You've been busy on the textualised messages.
Warris Quaif writes, "Loving the show.
"It's certainly taking my mind off the appalling poverty
"and vicious repression here on Queppu."
Glad to hear it, Warris!
..Have him killed. Now where are you, Lavya?
I'm down at the perimeter wall talking to one of the guards. Hi.
What are you doing?
I'm guarding the perimeter wall. Ooh.
Back to you, Father.
You will marvel at what we have coming up later.
Henderson cuts his thumb! AUDIENCE GASP
And is that a tear in York's eye?
Or just sweat like he said?
Let's ask a behavioural psychologist. ..You! Speak!
HE GROANS
WHIRRING
Destroy.
Morning, Teal. Morning.
Commander, wake up. HE GRUNTS
What are you doing?
You all right, Teal?
Fine. Just a bit peaky.
You look absolutely awful.
I mean, really bad, it's like the worst I've EVER seen you.
York, doesn't she look bad?
Not good. OK, we've established I do not look pretty!
What are you doing? Poking you, Commander.
Why? To enrage you.
To survive another day in this arena, we will need anger. It's a bi early.
Now Commander, anger is your ally, anger is your friend.
If you go on holiday, anger waters your begonias.
If it breaks a vase, it buys you two in return. Anger will be your saviour.
All right. I get it, all right?
Don't. Don't!
Don't! Don't, don't!
And don't do that either. Don't do what? That!
"Oh, that's what I wanted to see." Don't do it!
I had no intention.
Nevertheless it came to pass... Argh!
That is it, I have had it.
OK, are you satisfied? Are you?
You've reduced a good man to this?
THEY GRUNT
You've had your violence. Maybe you want some smut as well, do you? Well, here it is!
Do you want some more, you dirty perverts?
Do you like that?
I never think I'm going to enjoy this kind of show but then the characters really draw me in.
ANNOUNCER: And now, not one, but two assassins to wreak justice
upon the humans. The Queppu Secret Service's most lethal agents -
Tweedledoom and Tweedledie!
What power can stop them?
York! It's always when I'm just getting through to them, isn't it?
They were going to be our plucky little pals, the chirpy one and the silent one.
We'll use their skulls to gather water.
They will help us, in their own little way.
I'm trying to build a gang here!
Commander. What?
The woman.
Hey! Huh?! You all right?
Yeah.
Is there anything
you want to tell me? No.
No. All right, listen.
Do you know the emergency painkillers we keep in the away medikit?
Oh, the happy pills? The dichloro-hipto-peptin?
I know absolutely nothing about those.
Sure, sure. Have a little walk.
Walk with me for a second. Watch that. You all right?
Log.
Sometimes, on a strange new world, an officer gets a bit stressed.
Sometimes that officer grabs for the purple gigglers.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I have absolutely no idea what you mean at all. I know nothing of what you say.
Show me the box.
All the pills are in it.
Show me the box. I don't think I need to show you the box.
Show me the box!
I've eaten them all! Argh.
Teal, you're going to get bad withdrawal
now for a couple of days, and that's because you're a skanky pillhead.
..Tough love.
Smiles.
You two have the happy pills and that's why you and Mr York are OK.
Give me the pills. Teal, we don't have any pills. Give me the pills!
GIVE ME THE PILLS!
I just want a hipto... Chloe! You are an officer on board the HMS Camden Lock.
Now pull yourself together, lass!
Ballyshambles.
I'm sorry.
All right, all right.
I've been a fool.
Yes, you have but we'll get you through this, womanzilla. We'll get you through.
Hey! Get off, I've got no pills!
I only want one! Commander!
It's Vine! The sparkling sideburns of hope!
We haven't got long, Commander. Jeffers patched through the transmission, but it won't hold.
OK, what do we do? Right, let's see.
Teal's got to lighten up. Everyone's calling her the Bitch. No, I mean, what do we do to get out of here?
We couldn't think of anything. So we thought we'd let you know how you're coming across.
Commander, they're saying you're two-faced and you're playing up to the cameras. I am not!
I like York! He is hot!
Oh, York, you've arrived. Huge gay following.
Look, if we don't get off this planet, Mr Vine, we are gonna die, have you got that?
You sure it's not me that's got the gay following? I thought, with the bear thing you know, they might...
Contestants! You have breached the rules.
You have spoken with the outside.
I tire of your rules, red prune!
You and me. Right here. No weapons. Let's have it.
You will marvel at how I don't rise to that one.
Now, what punishment shall I choose?
Do your worst. I will then.
Go on then. I shall!
Why did you say that, Commander?
I'm feeling a bit...
THUD! It's just a phrase, isn't it?
Our next assassin is a hideous part-mechanoid mutant,
and Queppu's most dangerous creature only a mother could love...
GUNFACE! HE GROWLS
HIS FOOTSTEPS ECHO
It's OK. Well, it's not OK, is it? Because I'm going to die,
and when my corpse gets carried out it's gonna get boos. I don't want my corpse to be booed!
I'm going to turn him.
You're a lunatic. Lunatic?
Or just a madman?
Hey! RAPID GUNFIRE
Can't be easy growing up with a gun for a face.
Get teased, by the other kids, huh?
"Gunface, Gunface, kiss the girls and make them die.
"When the kids came out to play, Gunface blew their legs..." HE GROWLS
Ahhh.
Oh... Hey, hey, Gunface,
it doesn't have to be like this any more, all right?
Look, by the standards of British blokes you're not that bad looking OK?
Help me, right.
And then on a Friday night you and me can go to Starbase Seven to Caesar's.
Full of divorcees! You can't move for the haze of oestrogen.
You will find love.
And if not love, then deffo a handy.
Oh, Gunface!
Sweet, sweet, Gunface. York!
No!
Hey! Do you think you can put a hole in that wall?
HE GRUNTS Yeah, let's do it. Let's go.
I'm not the Bitch of the Camp, OK?
So I'm going to stay here and then they'll get to know the real me, and then they'll like me, OK!
OK.
GUNFIRE
Father! They've breached the perimeter wall. We must evacuate.
And renege on our commitment to quality broadcasting? Never!
Let's have another text.
"You're not very good at this telescreenovision
"thing if your contestants escape within three days."
That's from Tareoo.
Well, Tareoo, it's an unpredictable format and that's why it works.
That's why you marvel! EXPLOSION
Father, it's over!
You're right. To the Fleeing Tubes!
Oh, I don't think so!
I was just being myself. What is wrong with that?
At least I didn't have a game plan like the other two.
Gunface? Round up the guards.
And take Teal. Get Teal out of here.
Just like me.
SHE WHIMPERS
Are we on? Yeah? OK.
I, Michael, Mike, Lucky Jack, Hendo Henderson, am placing you under arrest.
Arrested.
Sorry. Here? Left a bit...
On that? OK.
Yes, people of Queppu,
telescreenovision doesn't have to be about humiliation and cheap voyeurism.
You could have quality programming. Dramas, documentaries.
Dinosaurs who are also wizards,
never been done before actually.
Commander...you've won.
What, what do you mean?
All this was for you.
My father is old.
Soon, I will need someone to rule by my side.
Beware her siren words, Commander. Shush, you!
You said you were going to be listening to us a bit more?
Yes, I said, "When we get off this hunka stinkin' moss."
He did, it's in his Best Bits.
Carry on, for all the good it will do you.
We had to test you, but you have proved more than worthy.
Be our new Supreme Ruler.
I know your seed is mighty.
The people will marvel at you, as I marvel at you, Michael.
Do you really marvel?
I marvel at you! Fool!
Come, Father!
To the Fleeing Tubes.
THEY LAUGH MANIACALLY
THEY GRADUALLY STOP LAUGHING
Oh, flap.
I know you! You're off the telly!
All right, you've been banging on about it for two days. Enough.
You're much smaller in real life.
Enough! Hello.
Afternoon to you.
Teal, are you back on the happy pills?
No...
Counsellorbot for you in the morning. It actually moved.
You're off your head. You can't work like that, go home.
Go to bed, Teal.
Not there, you big lunatic!
You'll never move her now. Get the forklift from the docking bay.
Commander, before we commencify the next mission, could we make a small detour? Oh, why?
It's just that I've received a request to attend the opening of a new gentlemen's establishment.
A disco-cum-sauna-cum-bath house called Spurt.
HE LAUGHS Do they want us both to go?
No, I don't believe you were mentioned.
It's clearly a distraction from my current objections so, no, all right. That's very unattractive.
What? Jealousy. I'm not jealous.
I find it deadens the eyes. My eyes aren't dead. Look at me a second.
Oh dear, absolutely nothing.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk