WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
How long have you been travelling?
A year or so, yeah. I had a job torturing rebels then laying my eggs
in their faces so my young would burst from their eye sockets.
And you know, it was secure and it was money,
but, um, in the end it wasn't me.
Yeah. Hmm. Yeah.
I love this planet.
Hmm. Poverty makes people so much nicer, don't you think?
They don't have all the things that weigh us down, like fancy music systems and careers
and hope.
Hello. Can I... can I sit here?
That'll be lovely. Budge up!
Ha-ha! Ooh. Slimy!
Hi. Sorry. Just got off the old Sky Bus so...
my neck is so stiff. Argh.
Just going to do a little stretchette.
That one.
So, who's who, then? I'm Vortigern.
Shh. It's her I'm interested in.
I'm Arabella. Right, that's a match.
That's a nice name.
They're Space Force boots.
Are they? Say you got them in a market.
(I really don't think my character would say that.)
I won these in a card game because I am a card sharp.
You know a lot about Space Force, then?
Well, you could say that, yeah.
Is that because your father's a very high-ranking member of it, possibly?
He's an Admiral. Mm.
And yahtzee!
Admiral whom?
Teal, just get on with it! (There's nothing wrong with being thorough.)
What's this? What? What's that?
An earring.
Identity confirmed, Operation Kestrel is green!
Arabella Spicer, daughter of Admiral Spicer, you are two days late for university. We are here to escort you
to your place of study, where you will commencify a course in land management and social history.
No! Wrong. Not no, yes. Take her.
Well done, Henderson.
Now, I know this mission is a little irregular but it's a one-off.
It's imperative you get Arabella to college by the end of Freshers Week.
The Admiral feels that if you don't make friends early, it's a lingering social death.
But that would mean a direct route. That'll take us straight through the middle of...
Hey.
Good operation name, by the way, Dave. "Kestrel." Incisive, swift.
I named it after the lager.
She won't come out of the shuttle. She's not a happy bunny.
Give her a minute, give her a minute.
Nice planet?
Nice? No, it's a festering Gomorrah.
Anarchy and sloth have coupled and that world is their basest progeny.
Oh, for an exterminating angel of fire spewing doom!
But there was a lovely bazaar. I got you this, Commander.
Oh, what's that?
Ah, it's my name on a grain of rice!
What an amazing time we live in.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Hey? You get me anything?
Um...yes, I did actually.
The galaxy's smallest kite. It's what?
The galaxy's smallest kite. Oh, it's so small.
Look at that. You'd need hardly any wind for that, would you?
Hello?
Commander Michael Henderson.
Did my Dad send you? ..God!
It's like when he wouldn't let me go to that jazz rave or when he had my boyfriend killed.
We hope you enjoy your stay with us here on the Camden Lock. I hate Space Force.
Should get rid of it, spend the money on something useful.
- Such as? - Baby pilates.
And that's just a start.
Ah, I see.
You're a little bit left-wing, aren't you?
Which is fine. Mr York used to be a bit left-wing, didn't you?
What was that thing you used to say?
Poor people should get... Health care. A youthful madness.
Look, you'll be at uni in four days.
Till then, make yourself at home. Anything you need, anything at all, just let us know, yeah?
Yeah. OK. Um...I'd like a 20 mile-wide ball of mayonnaise.
Anything within reason.
I'm allergic to feathers.
I'd like a synthetic pillow.
Done. Full of singing mice.
Teal, show her to her quarters.
Mr York, with me, please.
Take this. Follow me, please.
That's it.
And here we are.
So...now, I actually had a hand in designing the guest bedroom.
I wanted to combine 22nd-century chic with hues of Country Diary Of An Edwardian Lady.
I must say, I think I pulled it off.
Yeah, one of those ironic, "let's see how horrible we can do it" things,
make it so disgusting, it's sort of almost cool?
Exactly.
Right, now, I've laid out everything you need here for your first-week essay.
"The destruction of Leeds by a comet in 2029 turned out to be beneficial for the region. Discuss."
So that's all there, OK?
You're nervous about uni, aren't you?
Don't. Trust me, you'll have an amazing time.
You'll make lots of new friends, and you'll stay up till two drinking coffee and chatting.
And then suddenly everybody's made new friends,
and you're drinking coffee on your own, and just because you go to lectures doesn't make you boring.
Why do I always have to buy the washing-up liquid. It's not the expense, it's the admin.
Saturday nights are the worst, that's when the tears come...
You'll have the time of your life!
OK, so there's extra counterpanes if you need them.
She's nice, isn't she? I think we had a moment there, me and her.
Oh, right. Well, girl like that, you got to move in rather carefully.
Yeah, like you'd know(!)
How?
Well, women are attracted to strength, Vine.
You'll have to show her you're strong. Play it cool.
Just hang back. Let her come to you.
Better still, don't even let her see you, stay out of sight.
Don't ever talk to her and transfer to a different ship.
You fancy her too, don't you?
I'm chubby.
The MacFarlane opening.
Very clever, Mr York.
I've got your number.
I know her kind.
They despise us and everything we stand for.
Until the day the bubsy wasps of Che Che Che
come scrabbling at their front doors with their two metre sting claws.
Then they will shout, "Save us, Mr York! Save us from the bubsy wasps of the Che Che Che!"
And I will look down at them and I will whisper, "No.
"Let them feast upon your flaccid innards."
The Yakamoto defence.
How unpredictable.
She's a good kid, York.
She's just young.
Maybe she needs someone to take her under his wing.
It is our mission to get her from A to B.
She can learn at university.
Maybe we were chosen for a reason?
And see them tumble!
Check-plunk.
SHE GASPS
Why didn't you bring your inhaler? What is it?
Oi.
Drop her! I'm setting her free. You've taken an innocent woman and turned her into your techno slave!
Sandstrom is an enhanced human.
Yeah, she obeys everything I say but it's nothing like being a slave.
She loves it! You should see her face light up when I give her an order. Right, Sandstrom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Look, if you don't stop that, you will pull her brain out.
You're not too big to go over my knee, young lady.
That would be crossing a line. Yes. SQUELCH!
No!
I thought it was just a little hat.
Oh, my poor loyal digi serf!
Watch where you step. If it's grey and slimy, it could be Sandstrom.
Look...
OK?
..Arabella, it's very important to me now that you don't look down.
Fear not I shall make you whole once more.
OK, look, very gently lay the mechaskull on the console.
Don't look down, yeah?
OK, now come with me and just...
No. No... Don't look down.
SHE THROWS UP
Ah, she's honked in Spinning Jenny!
Sit.
Two ways we can do this.
I can fling you in solitary for assaulting an officer.
You're there for the rest of the trip.
It isn't very nice, let me tell you that.
That's not my way. That's the way the squares would do it.
Right. What would you do?
What I'm going to do is this, all right?
You're going to come to my cabin every day. And we're going to talk.
We're going to chat. We're going to jibber-jabber.
We're going to put names to those demons inside of you.
You're not a therapist. Oh, really?
I'll have solitary.
Thought you might say that.
You'll fight it at first. "I don't want to talk! I hate you!"
But I'll keep going cos I've got faith...
in you.
You'll come in and then you'll be like, "Ooh, my dad never loved me.
"How can I be a better person who isn't really annoying?"
And after that,
everything will be all right, forever.
Today, my cabin,
three o'clock. I'm not coming.
You'll be there. I'm not coming.
Yeah, you will. I'm not coming.
Hey, hey, hey, see you at three. Three.
I'm not coming.
TAPPING ON DOOR
I'll see you at three. I'm not coming.
"Care for a...?" "Oh, I'd love a tissue."
"Tears mean healing."
I like your top. I hate it. I hate all my clothes.
I like your haircut.
I don't. I'm going to shave it.
Can you leave me? I think I'm just going to stay here and die.
Is this woman bothering you?
I don't think you should die until you've seen the Level Seven service corridor.
What's in it?
Pipes.
Oh. What's your name?
Karl. Karl Jeffers.
I'm going that way if you...
I like your top.
Do you?
Thanks.
Oi! Oi, Jeffers, we're under attack.
Come on. Come on! Leave her. Come on.
Incoming engulfers.
A whole brood of them.
I knew it was a bad short-cut! Mr York, fire tubes one and three.
Priming and firing!
Oh, you found the bridge all right? Why are you shooting at them?
They're engulfers. They devour atoms and turn them into dark matter. Uh?
They eat little girls like you and poo black holes. Well, they still have a right to live!
Look, this is the toughest part of the job for me. It's the bit I hate.
Ooh! That one went in through the mummy and got baby on the way out!
It's completely one-sided. It's a massacre.
Thank you very much.
I love peace. Teal, tell her what I think of peace. Oh, he absolutely loves peace.
It's one of my favourite states of being, up there with asleep and.. Drunk. And drunk. Thank you, Teal.
But sometimes, with a heavy heart one must...
Wooah! Right up its mouth-arse!
Who was that? Was that you? Could have been.
Jeffers! Oh, yeah, you're just like all the rest, are you?
Oh, no, that wasn't...
Hey, come on, everyone, this is crazy.
They mean us no harm. It's murder.
Oh, Karl...!
You've seen enough, kid.
Maybe I have too.
Mr Jeffers...
You'd better go.
Murderer!
The rest are fleeing, Commander. Let us give chase,
hunt them down, one by one!
No, I don't want to. It's no fun any more.
I think her generation might be the very first that doesn't respect its elders.
That is so true. Isn't it?
This is where you do the paperwork for a bit longer just to show who's in charge.
And he's peering over the half-moons.
You know why I've asked you in? No. OK.
We're officers, all right, and as such, there are certain rivers we don't fish.
Certain sub-stations we don't climb into.
Do you know what I'm saying? No.
It's the same for me.
What if I started sleeping with the cadets?
That's academic cos none of them want to sleep with you.
That's hardly the point... When we played Shag or Die the other day, they all chose sweet oblivion...
Jeffers... ..in preference to that. Just leave her alone, all right?
End of meeting. You can't just leave me.
Listen, for your information, there are plenty of the crew who would love a piece of the H.
GIGGLING
Not you as well. Arabella's meant to be with me.
So you and I must settle things.
Come on then.
You sure you want to do this?
Mmm-hmm.
Tyrannosaur v Triceratops or Regency Dandies?
Dandies, please.
HUMMING
I must have satisfaction.
Do we have to do the stupid voices?
I insist, sir. Well, if we must, we must.
En garde.
BOTH: Hrrrrrrrngh!
He's good. He's very, very good. Do you submit, sir? Do you?
I would, my dear fellow. Only I've written a patch.
Gun!
And I've missed. And it's a period flintlock with just the one bullet.
Yahhhh!
Sword. Just a sword. Sword.
Rocket launcher.
Particle cannon. Proton canon.
Aaaaaah! Aaaaah!
I am undone.
You've won. She's all yours.
Just take care of her, OK?
For the help you gave me defeating the evil wizards of Bagvik,
I, Captain Helix, hereby name you the Teen Time Mystery Solvers.
Now get off with you!
Go and have your own intergalactic space adventures.
HE LAUGHS
It's a spin-off too far.
Father always wanted a boy.
What? Father always wanted a boy.
Please...continue.
Once, I laid out a tea party for my dollies and he promised he'd come but he never came.
Pig. Just cos a war broke out.
You let it all out. He never thought I was good enough.
Before I go to uni,
could you teach me what it's like to be in Space Force?
Yes, I can. Teach me from the very beginning.
The very beginning.
Lord, it was a long time ago. Let me think.
Day one's about wearing name badges and finding out where the bogs are.
Then there's a seminar about pensions.
Day two is trust exercises and then coffee...
When do you learn how to fly a little ship?
What a hungry young mind.
Week five. We'll do that.
OK. Down into second.
Remember your auxiliaries. Good.
Attitude thrusters, thrusters, that's fine.
Good! And pull over on the left.
And power down.
Smashing. How do you think you did?
I dunno. Well, I think you can give yourself a little pat on the back.
Jolly well done!
You ready for the next level?
OK. OK, good. Grasp the control ball.
OK.
All right, now I want you to edge out very gently, all right?
Oh, and just remember it's a simulation, so there's no need to panic.
Now claim the lane when there's a gap, claim the lane, claim the lane.
That's nice. All right.
He cut you up! Move, give me that!
I'll show you! Picking on a little girl in her driving lesson?
You like that? How do you like this? How do you like that?
Aaaaw!
'Vessel destroyed.
'Odds of survival: 2%.'
That's enough for today innit? You're tired, you're tired.
Emergency! Emergency! Everybody up! Emergency, emergency!
Whoa, whoa! It's Arabella.
I was going to tell her I'd won her in a fight, but now she's gone!
She can't just go. She'd need a shuttle.
And only officers have...the codes to the shuttles. Jeffers.
I beat him! I beat him! I stabbed him!
We need to find her quick or we're all in a lot of trouble, all right?
Vine, I want you to hold it together, yeah? Relax!
And for goodness sake, don't think about the two of them "having it off".
No! NO!
Sandstrom? Power up engines one to eight.
We've got a lot of space to search and very little time.
Jeffers. What to do about Jeffers, eh, Sandstrom?
A wilful anarchist
and yet he did something I could never do
- abandoned his duty for...feelings.
Oh, Sandstrom...
Sandy...
..I can't tell you how many times I've studied your manual.
You're so...efficient.
Do you think you and I..?
No, of course not.
There! That's fixed your digi plasma thing!
Ah! What news?
We just searched Jeffers' room.
It was like a bomb hit a landfill and then a pig lived there.
Found this. Directions to the Pleasureworld of Sifferbo.
With your permission, commander... Yeah. Mr Vine, set course for Sifferbo. Sandstrom, full power.
I love you. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
She didn't say that!
Yeah, and they've got these surgery bars. You can change your gender for the evening.
Want to try it the other way round? We're not going to Sifferbo.
I changed course. We're going to find the engulfers.
Yeah, nice one. You're going to love Sifferbo. Absolutely love it.
It's like a seven deadly sins pick 'n' mix, but mainly lust.
You...you don't mean that, do you?
They mean us no harm.
That's what you said.
Yeah, but that was yesterday before I slept with you. That was yester-me.
Not all humans are murderers. We'll show them that.
OK, it's not a good...
Daddy will enjoy having you killed. He may even do it himself.
You little...
HE COUGHS LOUDLY
WHISPERS: Camden Lock, Camden Lock. Help, SOS, all of that.
We're going towards the Engulfers.
She's taking advantage of me. I'm quite hurt. I feel used.
Can you pick me up, please?
Come and rescue me.
York. Locate the source of that... I have it, Commander. ..signal.
Vine, plot a course. Don't know if I want to. Eh?
I said I don't know if I want to.
We won't bother then. It doesn't really matter, does it?
It'll probably only be a little firing squad.
Eh? Count the lines!
This is going to be beautiful, Karl.
Hello? Hello?
We don't want to hurt you. We just want to talk.
What do Engulfers like to talk about?
Well, I'm sure I don't know.
What A-levels did you do?
I did Maths and Further Maths.
It was such a 'mare!
I can't believe I said that. You don't do A-levels, you're a tube of energy.
Ummm...
What sort of bands do you like?
UNEARTHLY GROANING
How old are you? I'm 19.
It's not easy being 19.
People think you're one thing but really you're something else.
Do you know how that feels?
OMINOUS GROWLING
They can see us!
Pulse weapons primed, Commander.
York...wait!
Hello!
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC SWELLS 'Hello!
'Hello!'
She's talking to them! No-one's ever done that before.
I was wrong, York.
Maybe I've been wrong about a lot of things!
Maybe it takes one, brave, foolhardy girl to...
And it's eaten them. York?
That's a shame, cos I had a good bit about how she was the student,
but we were the ones who had a lesson to learn.
A crowning irony, Commander. Yeah. It would have been.
Rigel University, this is HMS Camden Lock requesting docking.
'Request granted.'
"Thus we can see that the Leeds Crater became a celebrity landfill
"and a man pansy sanctuary."
That should get her off to a good start.
C plus.
It is not a C plus, how rude! It's an A.
Hello. Hey!
It's over between us. What?
Don't pretend you don't know! See ya then.
Aren't you forgetting going to say something to the Commander? "Thank you for saving my life"?
Hey, Teal...
Ta. That's just rude.
We've seen a lot of crazy aliens on our travels,
but maybe young people are the weirdest aliens of them all.
The bouncy mollusc men are quite odd.
The flaming jockeys of Gitara - they're very peculiar. The suicide trout of Tantalus B...
I was just making a point. What about the stinking toads of...?
ROBOTIC VOICE: 'We are the red shiny robots of Vortis.'
Oh, my giddy aunt!
Is that make-up? It's Manscara... for men.
Because of you, all shall perish.
Look, this is my pitying face.
Neutralise their weapons.
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