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Oi! It's on again. It's on again!
GARBLED MESSAGE '..British brutality.'
Oh.
There's no place for this in the modern Space Force.
I wonder what ship it is. '..Camden Lock.'
This! Two days before Shoegiving! You haven't seen the best bit yet.
'There is an art to a good beating.'
Oh, no, no, please, no. They got his good side!
'I'm sorry. They're quite new. Now watch me.
'Open hand, closed hand, stick, then boot. You see? Carry on.'
YORK!
Call the defendant to the Chamber of Justice. There's your Orb of Righteousness. Let me adjust that.
I don't like it! It needs to be higher. I look like an egg!
Oh. Commencing court record.
Mr York enters looking thoroughly guilty. Impartial, please. Sorry.
You're on. I have readied the Bubble of Judgment.
Bubble on.
First Officer York, you face charges of violent conduct and bringing Space Force into disrepute.
He was a violent insurgent. He was a contract cleaner! You believe that?
He never did the tops of my cupboards. You'll make a full and public apology, Mr York. Feh.
Eh? You can't make me. I can't make you? Right...
Teal?
Thank you. I'll lean on you. Thank you.
What's happened to you? We used to look at other ships and we'd say,
"We'll never end up like that." You know? Make it work for them.
I protect you from a universe that wants you dead. I should apologise?
I am the commander! A new-born faun in the forest could crush you with its velvety forelimb,
you man of margarine! A ship must have one master!
Yes! What a pity this ship hasn't got one! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Extraordinary scenes...
Give me your badge.
You're in Space Force no more.
Emotions play over Mr York's face.
We will go to Starbase Six to deposit the civilian Eduardo York. Chamber dismissed!
And no shoe gift from me this year! I don't care. I don't believe in Shoegiving Day.
What happened to you? You've changed!
So, Commander, we don't have a First Officer now.
I just wondered where you would look for another one. Perhaps we should place an ad in Salute.
Teal, I would like... Me? Really? I never expected you to say me!
Right. Drinks and nibbles in the First Officer's cabin tomorrow.
Just a celebrazione and a chance to learn the changes I'll be making. It's such a surprise! Thank you.
You're all so very happy for me.
Why didn't you ask me?
Well...maybe because it would have gone something like this -
"Mr Jeffers, do you want to be my First Officer?" No way!
Loads more responsibility, you hardly get paid more and everyone hates you. I ain't gonna be your work bitch!
Exactly. So why didn't you ask me?
Oh, Commander, hi. Could you hold those? Grenades. Pretend to be a Mud Golem, please.
No, come on, do it properly. With the noises.
Aaargh! Oh, I can't... I can't get the rifle up to shoot at the monster. And why?
Because these weapons are not designed for the ample-bosomed soldier. That'll be changing.
And I've colour-coded the grenades. You'll see a lavender sticker and think, "Rightio, napalm."
Agent Orange is green. Why not orange? I don't know.
If it ain't broke... Isn't. If it isn't broke... Isn't broken.
If it isn't broken, don't...
You've broken the phrase! Oh, sorry. And that's been good for hundreds of years.
Sorry, Commander. Aaah.
I'm sorry, too. It's just that it's going to be weird not having York around.
See the star over there? Mm-hm. York and I had our first mission on that star.
We lay trapped beneath a pile of dead ant people and we had to lick each other's wounds
to stop them from getting infected.
Ahhh...silly sod. I'll miss all that, you know.
Do you remember the star where we first met? Nah.
Oi!
Speed - 10 Vs. Range - 48 decamiles.
Fine. Is that makeup? Yeah, well, York wouldn't let me and he's out of the picture, so why not?
I told him it's for girls. It's not! It's Manscara.
For men. Stops the sun getting in your eyes when you play sport.
When have you ever played sport? You look like the ship's tranny.
Teal, what would you do? I'd say, "Take that makeup off right now."
Don't want to. What? I don't want to!
Oh? Oh. Right, OK, then.
Mr Vine, you give me no option, er...
but to change the rules to permit makeup.
But I'm not doing it with a smiling face. I'm doing it with a look.
Good. All right. Teal, let's have a little chat about how that went.
Down. That was awful.
'Final approach to Starbase Six.' Just get us docked, all right?
I'm going to go to my cabin. I have some very important things to do.
Some episodes of Captain Helix. Quash it, yeah? Sharpish. Right. Right, yes.
So, well, the finger's coming out. Don't make it wag.
Too late - it's wagging! Aaaah!
Parting of the Ways. Chapter Nine.
'But, Robot, if you stay here with the space orphans,
'the dimensional continuum gateway will close... and we can never meet again.
ROBOT BEEPS
'Farewell, friend.
'Ohhh...'
The single tear of oil.
'Starbase Six?'
Starbase Six? This is Camden Lock. Still no response.
Normally they're one of the politer starbases. Maybe they sold it off and turned it into flats.
'We shall harvest your minds.' Oh, really? Hello. You're not the normal chap.
'We have extracted the minds of all the beings on Starbase Six.'
Oh, hell. 'We are the Red Shiny Robots of Vortis.
'Your minds are ours.'
Oh, my giddy aunt! I'll get Henderson.
I'll get York. Oh, um... No, wait, what are you doing? I'll show them what I can do....
which is... Shoot them? Shooting. Jolly good idea.
So, Sandstrom, swing us round. Is that all we do? Swinging.
We will acquire all knowledge in the universe.
So this flips open.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire, fire, fire! It's broken! PIN number!
Nought, nought nought, nought! No, I changed it to something more memorable. My mind's a blank!
Oh, the Commander's birthday!
Add on his average time in the shower...
Ohh!
What did you fire? Everything.
What did you target?
Target?
HUMMING Ahh...
Well done, Teal. Nice, smooth docking. Not too bumpy.
Em... Huh?
'You are ours!'
Oh!
Ahh! Ohh!
'All operations inactive. Ship now under external control.'
York, they're here. Let's crunch metal, big man.
Hey, York! Red Shiny Robots! Let's roll! Come on!
You still got the hump? You cast me aside like a green potato.
What could I do? Save it. I'll take my chances alone with the robots. I need no one. Do me up.
Breathe in. Mind the mole. Because of you, all shall perish.
Look. This is my pitying face.
Oh, grow up. Big, tough York, super soldier.
You had a breakdown after the Nebula Wars. Didn't know I knew that.
You went to group therapy. They filmed it and I got a copy.
Sometimes the guys come over. Jeffers brings the beer, Vine makes his famous guacamole,
we turn the lights off and snuggle in and watch you cry. "I killed alien children!
"Oh, I still hear their cries at night!" I've gone a bit too far.
Hmmph!
'Warning - big hooks gripping ship. This is an official big hook warning.'
Jeffers, I have to do the decent thing. Get a bra that fits?
I'm going to take my own life. Good idea. Tell you what...
Oh, thank you. Just leave it where it falls. Right.
I'm sorry, Commander.
(I love you.)
What are you doing?! Trying to kill myself. We're all going to die soon. You screwed up.
It doesn't make you special. Thank you. Thank you.
Lots to do. Lots to do. Make a list. Don't kill self, have a sleep...
'30 seconds until boarding.'
You ready? Yeah. Take a breath. Hold the line!
Right. Seven o'clock. Informal drinks and nibbles.
We are not having this now. If we change our routine, they win.
Not fighting them is another way.
This cava won't keep. 'Humans! Surrender to the mind harvest!' They're really selling it!
Right, I'm ready.
That's very good. 'Humans, open your doors.'
OK, come on, it's a tight spot, but I want you to dig deep. Down here is a hero.
The hero inside of us all. I call that hiding.
No, look,
we do not fight alone.
We fight alongside the British heroes of the past - Sir Walter Raleigh,
Winston Churchill, the great Ben Fogle and dog Inca.
So make them proud. Eh? Make ME proud. Yeah?
Let's do this.
Fire!
Neutralise their weapons.
Surrender. You have no choice.
Oh, really? Sandstrom!
Fly!
Hai-yah!
Aaaaaah!
She's winning! As long as they keep attacking her one at a time.
Some Shoegiving Eve this is!
They're keeping the officers separate from the cadets.
Oh, don't! ooh!
Forcefield. You will be held here and harvested by the datasphere, one by one.
Our knowledge grows every day. We know the great works of 60,000 civilisations.
We know the genomes of five billion species. You know nothing.
Your next sentence will compare us to a waste receptacle.
How could you know that, you overgrown dustbin? Trippy!
We get it a lot. Now, grab the hippie.
Hey, whoa! Put him in the harvester.
Have you ever been to a harvester before?
Ungh...
My...mind!
They're taking my mind!
Memory...going.
Forgetting names. Who are you?
Pi equals 3.145926535.
What colour is this? I'm a little teapot. Recipe for ice.
Keyboard shortcut.
One memory left...
Sending everyone we find to take a dump in the Commander's...room...
Hold on to that memory! We are going to talk later. Jeffers...
Jeffers?
Hey! Hey, Jeffers!
He's dead.
Jeffers, why?!
Well, it was to expand their data... Oh, it was rhetorical.
Data!
Does not compute.
The missing human called York.
What, me, human? Don't be absurd. I'm a Red Shiny Robot of Vortis,
but in the form of a human to infiltrate their society.
We have heard of such robots.
But they're supposed to look like sexy women.
Yes...and I was just about to put the finishing touches to my disguise. Excuse me.
There!
Ooh, cheeky.
Sexiness confirmed.
Oooh!
You don't think it's a bit heavy? I may as well use this up. It's Guyliner.
It's for sports! Yeah(!)
I've just worked it out. Knew you would.
We're all going to die.
In here, human. Yeah, yeah. Your mother was a lobster!
And your father... was also a lobster.
The prodigal ninja(!)
Jeffers?
Oh, Jeffers. He always thought I loathed him.
Now he'll never know it was really an incredibly strong dislike.
All right? Yeah.
I found a lever which will release the Camden Lock.
It was geared to robot strength.
I couldn't do it on my own. Two people could have, though.
Really? Yes.
Well, I...I don't really want to do this, Mr York,
but the current situation leaves me with little choice.
I would like you to be my First Officer once again.
Oh, would you?
Well...obviously I'm unwilling to comply,
but seeing as we're at war,
I regretfully accept.
Congratulations. This is typical!
Mother said Space Force was a big boys' club with a glass ceiling!
Why don't you just take your willies out and rub them up against each other's willies? Sorry.
Watch out! Ooh!
'You have to say, I look good dead.'
Jeffers? 'That is a t-shirt waiting to happen. Imagine that on the chest of a 15-year-old girl.'
It IS Jeffers. Why aren't you in the datasphere?
'I don't really get on with the other data. They say I'm a bad influence. Hey, what about a dead me poster?'
Did you just come back to admire your beautiful corpse? 'Yeah! Oh, and I'd an idea for your escape.
'No, it's silly.' Come on! 'They're a bit anal, these robots.
'All the data gets cross-referenced and verified, so if you think of untrue facts as it scans you in,
'it might destabilise the core or it might not. It might. Probably not. But it might.' OK, fine.
Can you get back into your body? 'Maybe. Why would I want to?
'Fractal! Mobius strip!
'How many sides have I got? Two or one?'
You geek! Hey, hey, hey.
Errant data!
The meat tremblers must not converse with data.
We shall commence a mass harvest.
ALL: Harvest! Harvest! Harvest!
Right.
OK. Right, Sandstrom?
Remember what Jeffers said. York, you know what to do. Teal?
Don't make a hash of this. OK. Good luck.
Commencing data extraction.
Aaah! Aaaah!
'Time was invented in Dublin in 1900 by Seamus O'Cork!
'I once spent an entire weekend socialising with close friends!
'Gondoliers only come ashore to mate.
'The Spanish have no word for tapas!
'Oh, think of...
' Oh, no, that's true. Em... That's true as well!
'We need...a really...big...lie!
'Promoting Teal was the best thing I ever did!'
Thank you very much! I'm sorry. Just pull your bloody lever!
Let's go! Move! What about Jeffers?
Excuse me! Do you want some, then?
Right. Jeffers? Get back in your body.
'Isn't it better to die young and beautiful? Kurt Cobain? David Cameron?' Hurry up! 'All right.'
Resurrected.
'And dead.
And resurrected. 'And dead.'
And resurrected. ..Fine! Fine!
Come on, come on. Come through. Let's go, let's go.
'All hooks clear. This is an all-clear for big hooks.'
Sandstrom, power up the engines. Put the kettle on!
Mine is a builder's camomile. Where's Teal? Aaargh!
Delay, York.
Coming!
Being kicked with their own leg! Satisfying irony.
Hit quite a lot. Teal!
The datasphere's reformed. We've got to go! Ooh! Teal!
Oh, Commander, you saved my life!
Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
Happy Shoegiving!
Oh, happy Shoegiving.
Oh, look at this. For the big ape.
I got you these. Oh, Teal. Platforms.
They're wonderful. Thank you so much.
All right. Cool. I can't breathe.
Thank you. Cost a month's pay, but it's worth every penny
for everyone's face when they get their shoes. Oh, lovely.
I got you these.
A gold mule. Happy Shoegiving.
Where's Sandstrom?
Sandstrom - happy Shoegiving.
Shoegiving Day is not an authentic tradition.
It was invented by shoe manufacturers 50 years ago to promote sales.
Hey. Commander.
These are for you.
Happy Shoegiving, York.
Commander?
I got these for you.
Venture boots!
Beautiful! Come on, then.
Come on, you ship's Scrooge.
Huh?
They fit beautifully.
Thank you, York. Have a good Shoe Day.
Happy Shoegiving, Jeffers. Uh, thank you.
Ohh... Oh, Jeffers? Have you had a shower since you were dead for a day? No,
Could you? Yeah, sure.
OK, guys.
Enjoy your shoes, yeah?
Enjoy your day. But tomorrow, back to work. All right?
The robots will never stop. I think we might be all right for a bit.
It's true. The Jeffers datastream has infected our neural networks.
Fix it before our behaviour is affected.
Awww. Why can't you do it?
Yeah, right(!)
I ain't gonna be your work bitch.