WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
Attention! We are carrying out compulsory searches in this sector.
Prepare to be boarded.
I am authorised to use proportionate force
and a new 15% gratuitous force.
It's slowing down. Commencing boarding procedure.
Commander? Yes? If anything happens to me, I've written you letters.
They're in my room. Open one a year on your birthday. You'll not die, Teal.
And Commander? What? Do find happiness.
I've done nothing wrong.
A young Lallakkiss on a fast ship. Stop him because it's not his? It's alienisimist.
Good morning, young man. Space Commander Henderson.
Oh, we're all in space. What other kind of commander would you be?
This shouldn't take long. Watch it, sonny.
Stairlift Commander Henderson.
Are you now a member of the Furious Martyrs Of Screaming Justice? No. Are you carrying meat or eggs? No.
Shame. We could have had a fry-up. Look, it's a tense situation.
I'm trying to add a bit of banter to... Commander?
Ah...
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.
That's laugh-time over.
(What is it?) It's a Dreamgate. It amplifies neural signals.
The wearer can remotely enter the dreams of anyone from miles around.
Only the most ILLEGAL piece of consumer electronics in the galaxy.
What kind of sick freak would get their kicks from a thing like that?
(What kind of sick freak...?) Oh, precisely, Commander.
I'm looking after it for someone. Are you? Yeah. You want six months in prison?
No. I'm sorry. Oh, no, it's me that am sorry, son!
Mr York, destroy that brain ball! Commander. And you, get out of my sight.
Hey! There's one thing on your ship in need of urgent repair. What's that?
Your attitude.
IN HIGH VOICE: "Oh, please don't arrest me!"
I think he learned something there. Commander? British fair play. Commander, just to let you know -
he's emptying his latrine tank at us.
Oh, that is not right.
Robot, my amulet is stolen. We will be trapped on this barren world FOREVER!
Forever!
Mmm.
Screen off. Clock, can you set alarm for 5.30, please?
I want to get a good head start on the day. 'Alarm set for 6.30.'
No, I said 5.30. 'You always say that, Commander. Then you press "snooze" and I'm tired of it.'
I will be up at 5.30. 'I just don't think you will.' Fine. Back-up alarm clock? 'Commander?'
You are now the new MAIN alarm clock. Can you set for 5.30? 'Yes, Commander.' Good.
Lights off.
'Set it for 6.30.' 'I will.'
I am lying right here! I can still hear you.
Captain, I bring your amulet.
Kid Helix!
LOUD LAUGHTER
You saved my life once again. Now come with me on new adventures
set between series two and series three with vastly expanded erotic content. I'm ready, Captain Helix.
SINISTER LAUGHTER
It works! I stand in another man's mind.
A cranial conquistador! I was expecting the Pastie Lords from Cornish Five.
But he's like no Pastie Lord I've ever seen. His countenance is fearsome. Don't mind me. Carry on.
A purple signal! An evil professor has invented a ray which makes women's clothing go transparent!
Adolescent fantasy possibly masking an attraction to Captain Helix.
So... I can't do this if you interrupt. Sorry.
Look what came through the shuttle post. More junk from the 1990s? Antiques, Jeffers,
relics from a nobler age. Now this was maybe the principal form of entertainment back then.
It's called a Magic Eye picture. A what? A Magic Eye picture.
There's a hidden image. Where? It's hidden. You have to concentrate and look through it.
I see a thousand screaming faces. It's a dolphin. I see a dolphin with a thousand screaming faces.
Oh, I feel sick.
Ah! There you are.
Where have you been hiding? Commander.
I've been dreaming about you a lot this week, York.
Just look at these dark matter anomalies, Commander. They're so anomalous.
I've been talking to the crew about their dreams. It's absolutely fascinating. I've got a few here.
This one is from young Ivan in Power. It says, "I'm falling and falling.
"Suddenly Mr York is there reminding me to get a haircut."
This one's from Claire. It says, "I'm having sex with my stepmother.
"York appears and says my shift starts in five minutes." That reminds me... MY dream -
you, me, Captain Helix and Robot. Robot was riding you like a drunken prom date.
No, he was not...
Where's the Dreamgate, York? Mmm?
York, you were always a metaphorical nightmare, but this...
Do not destroy this. Join me. Help me map the dream world. Map?
In doing so, I can show you wonders beyond the limits of your imagination.
I've been round yours. Quite small, isn't it? Shut up! A man's brain is his little grey castle, York.
While the crew sleep, they lie idle on Space Force pay.
With this device we can make them toil in their slumber.
'Crush, grind or shred?' All three, please. They dream of you.
Cancel. Where is cancel?
'Vine?
'Sandstrom? I don't think so.
'Jeffers?
'I'm not ready for that yet.'
Commander? Commander?
Miss Teal. How dangerous could that be?
We've had a complaint from the Lallakkiss saying we're alienist.
That is typical Lallakkiss saying that. Now. Not that they're all the same. I didn't mean that. Exactly.
Shall I arrange a visit for a Lallakkiss school? Lallakkids(!) Or we apologise in the Lallakkiss way.
And that is? You strip naked. Then you drive down a main street while they hurl hospital waste at you.
School. School. Hey, Teal? Mmm? Let me ask you a question.
If someone could see into your mind as you slept, it wouldn't be bad, would it? It's worse than murder.
Bye!
She won't mind.
(Hey! I've never been here before.) Nobody has, it's the gym.
I'm only going to do this once because if you keep doing it, it's really bad. Of course, Commander.
It's simple. You place this piece over the eye. This probe enters under the eyelids.
Then drives a hypodermic needle into the cerebellum. I don't want to do it.
Or you can just hold it in your hand, whichever you prefer. B. As you wish.
Are you ready? Nervous. Don't be. OK.
See you on the other side.
Go!
SNORING
Our first destination - the mind of Teal. Wow. I'm actually inside Teal.
And I bet you never thought you'd say that. Ho-ho! There is our chemistry.
Holy... Shush now.
I'm late for ballet class and the Queen of Finland is coming for tea! And I can't find my shoes!
Neigh!
Neigh! I love being a horse!
Chloe! Chloe!
SNORTING
There you go, my girl.
Nosh on this. Aw! You be a beauty all right.
Such handsome flanks!
Oh! I knew it'd be wrong, but it feels so right!
NEIGHING
Let's go. Are you sure, Commander? Yeah. Let's go into someone else's head.
Yeah. Toast for you.
Yeah. Toast for you. Uh-huh.
Toast for you. That's right. Toast for you. Yeah! But no toast for you.
A big piece of toast for you. That's what I'm talking about.
There is symbolism here I couldn't even begin to unravel.
Toast for you, Queen Elizabeth. And toast with jam.
Can I talk to the girls? Best not, Commander. In some circumstances, potentially fatal. Hello, you.
I'm his boss. I'm the place where the buck stops. Excuse me. She smells like a dream!
Hey!
Ah-ha. We're in Vine. Yes.
Now his dreamscape is unique. This is the only dream he ever has. Never shifts or changes.
It's remarkably concrete. He's a pub landlord. 1995.
For Vine this represents a simpler time. We are in Vine's pub conscious.
Hello there. What can I get you? We've just started doing Thai food.
Yeah. Dave's our own best customer. Sandstrom?
OK. Now come here.
I'd say that is a dream Sandstrom, an impossible fantasy of his.
Fantasy? Yes. Cor!
Are you all right with all this? Mm?
Oh.
Hoff... Hoffmeister.
Can I have a pint of Hoffmeister and whatever he wants. No, thank you. I'm driving...a car.
Hoffmeister. Commander? Mmm. Commander! Mm?
I should stress it is not safe to stay in any one dream for too long. Vine really knows his stuff.
We are soaking in the hot bath of history. Yes, nevertheless, it's important... Relax!
It's not like we're going to get drunk. It's only dream beer.
Mmm.
Castlemaine...is ten out of ten.
Tennants Extra is like Tennants, but a little bit more so.
And Apple Hooch - you know? It's lemonade, but there's a twist.
It's alcoholic and it's made with apples and hooch. Where did it all go?
Yes. The risk potential status is now unacceptably high, Commander. Time to leave. Look. What's this?
It's a mobile phone. I wonder if you can call someone from a dream? It's an interesting question.
Jeffers? Jeffers? An aerial. I'll put this up and then... Jeffers. Jeffers.
You're going for it, aren't you, my darling?
Commander... How did you and Dave get together?
Vine? Me and Dave?
It was at the Poll Tax riots. I was a WPC then doing a baton charge.
And I saw this hairy little crusty holding a great big scaff pole. And I was just about to break his face
and then our eyes just met. That was it, really.
What a lovely story. It can happen!
Let's get him over. Let's have a drink. No. He's gone down the cash and carry, love. Is that dead? Yeah.
Vine! You wouldn't listen, would you, Commander? Vine has left the pub
and that means he's woken up. If he's woken up, then the dream pathways are severed.
And now we're trapped in Vine's pub conscious. Just wait till he goes back to sleep and it'll be OK.
Why don't we have an optics? You don't seem to understand, Commander.
If one stays in any one dream for too long, one becomes absorbed.
We may now become a permanent part of this dream. Lost forever.
Absorbed in a dream - it's like something Bob would say. Bob?
Who is Bob? Bob, he works at Jewsons. He sold a motorbike to Glenn Hoddle. Bob.
And so it begins.
Commander? Oh, Vine, I can't find the Commander or Mr York. And the Lallakkiss children are here.
And they've already had their packed lunches. Have you seen the Commander? I dreamt about him.
So did I! They have to be seen by the Commander or diplomatic relations will crumble.
And there'll be another war and millions will die before we've had breakfast.
What?
I'm Commander Henderson.
Welcome to the Camden Lock, the fourth British ship to carry that name.
Two of them were blown up by your lot. Don't put that on your worksheets.
Thank you. Now the Commander will show you to the control room where there are lots of buttons to press.
OK? That's it.
Buck your ideas up. You're impersonating a great man. Get through there!
LALLAKKIDS: Wonky door! Wonky door!
Oh dear. Don't touch it, please. Steady! Keep going.
Wonky door! Wonky door!
Vine! Vine!
Oh, we're trapped in your head! I'm turning into a roofer called Phil!
Vine! We've got to get out of here. I keep thinking my name's Stuart.
And I work down Our Price and sell loads of CDs by Blur!
I mean, what's a CD by Blur?
We've got to get a message to Vine's conscious mind. Yes. But how? How?
We've got to think, Commander. And we've got to think fast.
Karaoke machine, a primitive model from the era before it became an Olympic sport.
Commander? Commander? I need you to stay with me.
No-yeah. I have an idea. If you utilise this device to create powerful sonic waves
while I initiate a process of spatial physical entropy,
it might cause a temporary breach between the conscious and pub conscious minds. What?
IN MANCUNIAN ACCENT: You whack up the volume on this. I'll trash the place!
Tape 236 - Cotton-eyed Joe. OK.
Hey, Vine! We're in your head! Listen to us, Vine!
♪ ..Cotton-eyed Joe Where did you come from...
Listen to us, Vine!
♪ I've been married a long time ago
♪ Where did you come from Where did you go... ♪
Did you hear that? Vine, we're in your mind. Listen to me!
'Vine!' The Commander will show you round the control room. This is where the navigator sits.
Our navigator's called David Vine
and he's the best in the game. (Tosser!) Who wants to be a navigator when they grow up?
Well, you should do. Navigator is the most important job on the ship... 'Vine!'
'Vine!'
'I'm Henderson!
'I'm Commander Henderson.' Yes, you are.
'Go to the gym!' The Commander feels physical fitness is very important.
'In Vine's head. Being absorbed.
'Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?'
Hey! Hey!
Vine! Vine! Vine! Vine!
Vine! Vine! Vine!
Vine! Vine! Shut up or I'll... Vine.
OK, lads. Karaoke's on a Thursday.
If you want to smash the place up, you'll have to wait till Saturday.
Now, who are you two? Je m'appelle Phil. Je...suis...un roofer.
I'm Stuart and there was something I was trying to remember. Oh, Bob says you can do his roof for 200.
200 quid! Wha-hey! Dream on! Dream on!
Right. There's a bit of a change of plan because they've got to rescue the Commander and Mr York.
So I'm going to lock you in a cupboard. But it's OK because I'll change its name to Fun Cupboard!
Fun Cupboard! A very fun cupboard. There's some technical manuals at the back to colour in.
'Door closing.'
They're in my head! They're in my head!
They're in my head. Look.
This is a Dreamgate 4000 series.
It's the deluxe model.
Not that I've seen one myself. How do we get them out?
If Vine fell asleep, they'd find their own way out. Lie down. Sleeping now. Shush!
♪ Oh sweet Vine Sweet baby Vine... ♪
Sleeping now. Are you asleep? No.
Vine! You've got to sleep! If you don't, they'll die and it's all your fault! Can't seem to drop off.
Why don't we just unplug them?
You can't unplug people from a Dreamgate. You give them irreparable psychic embolisms with a hot unplug.
Why's this so hard? We'll use the Dreamgate to enter the Commander's mind
and follow the path he took into Vine's mind. Oh, I could kiss you! You could try. Shall we?
I'M COMING, COMMANDER!
Hang on. We're going to enter my own head. I don't want to go there! I've spent years repressing...
Oh, we really don't...
Back, Pastie Lord! You cannot defeat me!
Excuse me! Coming through! Thank you. Oh, sorry. You dropped your... There you go.
I know.
ELECTRONIC SQUEAK
Oi, oi. Ravers. Tossers!
Commander.
Hang on. Big un's coming.
This is quite literally my dream pub.
Are you my wife? Yeah, Dave.
And do we...? Yeah.
Just a bit. That's perfect.
Street Fighter II. Guys! Guys!
These were all destroyed in the Retrogamer Massacre back in 2054.
All right. Let me just try and work this through.
So I am Commander Michael Henderson from the spaceship Camden Lock and I've got to come with you now? Yes!
And I'm First Officer Pork?
YORK. York. So I'll have to remember that. And my life's in danger too? Yes.
LOUD LAUGHTER
It's Edmonds, innit? Is it Edmonds?
Commander! It's like Vine's Magic Eye picture. You've got to see the pattern through the chaos.
Try and remember somebody who cares for you more than she can say.
My old nan. Oh, for goodness sake! OK. There's this big brown chair
and you like sitting in your big brown chair. Oh, yeah, Spinning. Spinning.
Mr York, we're in Vine's head! We need to get out through the mind portal. You're in on it too, then?
Are you getting me back for putting your name on all those prozzy cards! Teal.
Rip your uniform. Do it! What?
Wilful uniform damage. To the Punishment Cube!
Mr Vine!
Hey, Jeffers. Let's go. Couldn't we do this first?
Where are you taking my husband? You don't want to know. I took out ten hippies at Stonehenge with this.
You're not you. The real you is a cyborg on a spaceship in the 22nd century.
You're part of a dream in David's head.
You never leave the pub and it's always ten to three.
Is this true, Dave? How come? Everything we've worked for.
Me?
Is none of it real?
Sorry.
I bet that feels pretty REAL! Now, do you want to try a chair? I love you! I want to stay here!
I've tried the real world but I don't get along with it. Oh, Dave! I want to live here with you.
You can put my body in a tank and get some tubes into it, so I can stay here? Yeah. That's possible.
Are you sure you want to do this, Dave? There's no coming back from it. Yeah. As you wish. Hey.
It was lovely to meet you. You really are wonderfully brassy.
Go! Go! Oi! Dave!
Dave! Dave!
Put me back in my head!
Oh, really! Whose mind is this? Take a wild guess. Of course.
SCREAMING Cheers. Likewise.
Where are we now? Perhaps we've taken a wrong turn?
Hey! Map. You've got a map? He has a map. Thank you.
OK. Um... But we don't know where we are now. That's true. Guys?
That is creepy.
Oh, Commander! Oh, no!
Oh, lord. Stop it. I don't like it.
Is everyone all right?
We're home. Reality.
Is it, though? Can you feel that? Yes, I can. Can you? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Stop picking at me.
Because maybe we were so desperate to escape, that one of us fantasised the perfect recreational ship
and we've just slipped into that reality without realising?
No. Lallakkids!
OK. OK. Fine. So you came on to the spaceship as a goodwill gesture.
A scary man screamed at you and you got locked in a not fun cupboard by a very tall lady.
What bribe do we need so you don't tell anyone? A lolly? A lolly each? Two lollies each and a sticker?
Two lollies each, a sticker and 10,000 credits? ..Yes, of course.
Cheers, mate.
OK. Good.
As we dispose of this little globe of troubles,
let's not get lost in recrimination about who went into whose head...
Because you went into ours. You did. Yes. But that's not the issue. The issue is... Well, it is. I agree.
I think I'll have a bath. Teal, walk with me a while.
TEAL GIGGLES
You wait till tonight.
Look. I just wanted you to know that anything that I saw inside your mind
will be treated with the strictest confidence. Really? Absolutely.
Thank you, Commander. That's a relief. Good. Come on. Get out of here. OK.
NEIGHING AND SNORTING NOISES