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The most powerful weapon ever built.
Whoa! She is British.
Five years late and six times over budget.
They say for what it cost, every man, woman and child in Britain could have their own hospital.
Though they can foresee staffing problems.
What if it falls into the wrong hands?
We're not going to give it to the Americans, are we? No way!
This baby's so big, she'll stop all wars.
Even the people it's pointed at will feel protected by its aggression.
It's a win-win.
The skies are clear, our deadly cargo undetected...
For now.
But death stalks us, you can be sure of that.
She rises from the sea, her knife on her hips,
droplets glistening on her bronzed flesh.
Wearing the tiniest of bikinis.
Chillax, Mr York.
It's just a weapon big enough to extinguish the stars.
It's not like we're carrying some kind of doomsday machine.
Tell you what - contact the Gower and the Purley Way please.
Another course correction, really?
Wow! Whose big chair is that?
That's yours. Right.
Breaker breaker 1414 for a copy. This is Papa Bear, come back.
Oh, for goodness sake.
It's an ancient communications system. It's good for convoys.
Papa Bear, this is Skydancer.
Hey, how you doing?
This is Fruit Smoothie.
That's a 10 - 2, Papa Bear.
We've all got handles, it's another word for names.
I'm hollering you cos we got a new course correction,
I'm wiring it to your 20 now.
Commander, I mean Papa Bear.
At the Academy, they said only make one correction a day.
Well, school's out ladies, yeah, so put away your pencil cases.
When you change your course, an enemy can spot your engine flare.
Relax, yeah. The old man knows what he's doing, not that I'm that old.
Very young whilst being very wise and experienced.
Jeffers, could you...
That's what he wants.
I tell you what, why don't the both of you come over to my crib tonight
and I'll tell you some of the things they don't teach you in the academy, and cook you my famous ribs.
I don't eat meat. That's cool.
It's just textured soya on a big plastic bone.
Sounds delicious! You're on.
See you later.
MUTTERS TO HIMSELF
What's that, Vine? Nothing. What have you got?
Nothing. I can see you're holding something.
I haven't got anything. What's behind your back? Nothing!
Don't lie, Vine, let me see what's in your hand. It's a mouth player.
What? A mouth player. Holds 15,000 tastes. Gets new ones wirelessly.
You got a new gadget before me, that's not in the rules, is it?
No, don't! No, you'll break it!
How does it work?
INAUDIBLE MUMBLING
From the main menu screen?
MUMBLES
Ah, combinations.
Apple and banana.
Custard and olives.
Don't do that. Sorry, sorry.
Cinnamon and...
cat wee.
I know. Cinnamon, huh?
Oh, you are both so dear to me.
Like twin stars lighting the firmament of my soul.
And yet so different...
Like chalk
and Yang.
Oh, Robot, which so ere of them shall I choose?
Both.
Commander.
I have finally perfected the banato.
Oh. Well done, York.
Oh, another box set.
Yeah. New format.
Look at the quality.
Data triangles.
The old digi cubes.
They look so clunky now, don't they? And I suppose it came with that.
Look at it. Beep beep beep.
Ooo-doo-doo-doo.
Beep.
Two Princesses.
An above-average episode. Yeah.
Yes, it is.
ROARING
Oooh!
Good commanders, aren't they, those girls?
Russian gulati. Yes, they show potential.
Have you... Have you ever, um...
I'm sorry, I don't grasp the significance of your eyebrow waggling, commander.
Have you ever done it with two women at once?
'Commander. Incoming attack.'
Not tonight!
Strange ship. It sure ain't coming over for coffee.
Don't add those things at the end, it's very annoying. Air screen.
The only way to fight is to get in close. Get behind me, do what I do.
But we should stay back and guard the gun.
They were very clear in training.
Forget what they taught you at the Academy.
You know me, and I think you admire me.
So what's it going to be?
Yes. Sandstrom - let's play.
They are not following us, by the way.
I told them with genial authority.
Both of our ships... Direct hits.
Damn it! Why didn't they listen to me? Sandstrom, get us in close.
I mean, white van close.
Now then, Mr York, this one is mine.
Goodbye.
We have a Scrane.
It's badly wounded.
We don't have long to kill it before it dies.
You'd better put your face pipe in gear and tell me how you found us.
SCRANE HOWLS
"Self love yourself, You self loving self lover."
That is rude.
"Your mighty weapon shall be ours."
SCRANE LAUGHS
This is just laughing.
Damn it, it's taking a capsule. Get it out.
Squeeze the end.
Squeeze the end!
It's OK, it's just a mint.
OK. How did you find the convoy?
Potatoes in the mist.
Sorry, traitor in your midst.
He's dead.
This is for Skydancer.
And this is for Juicy Fruit.
Fruit Smoothie, wasn't it?
Yes, getting rather ahead of yourself there, aren't you?
I hear they are surprisingly considerate lovers.
We found this on the Scrane ship.
Hard evidence. A signal only an officer has clearance to transmit.
Ergo, the collaborator is in this room.
No one here would let me down, hmm? Teal.
I know you wouldn't. Mr Vine...
Yeah, I know you wouldn't.
Jeffers.
Jefferson. Yes.
It would just be easy if you confess now. Well, it's not Jeffers.
It will be next time, though. What about Silicon Sally.
We don't know what goes on in her head. I've seen her eat teaspoons.
Oh, that's where they all go.
It's not Sandstrom. She's loyal and brave.
ALL: Ooooh!
All right. We know the bad guys is one of you lot.
It's not me. It's not me.
Wait a minute.
You are an officer - it could be you.
Why would I sabotage my own mission?
Well, there are motives. Your crew has plateaued, so frustration, bitterness.
Rage, impotence.
It's her. She's making us fight each other.
You are this close to a biffing.
How do we know it's not you? Oi!
Look, I mean, one of us, including me, although it is not me...
ALL: Or me.
..is the traitor.
So we go one by one to the detective room
because the software will always get his man.
Or woman. Or woman, yes.
It's not me.
All right! In the meantime, we're on around 10% power and that
makes us a sitting duck, and I don't want to be a sitting duck.
I want us waddling.
I want us beating the geese to the bread. That's the kind of duck I am.
I know one of you wants to kill us all but... Aaah!
Work for team duck. All right?
'Welcome. Please select preferred detective.'
Erm... wheelchair... gardeners...
Ooh, hard-bitten gumshoe please.
'I looked up, it was a girl.
'She was tall, high-class.
'A frightened look in her slate grey eyes. I got to the point.
'"When did you would start working for the Scrane?" I said.
I never have. 'She replied.'
Sorry, must we have the smoke?
It's very off-putting.
And what have you deduced?
'It is elementary for me to deduce that you are highly unlikely to be the criminal.'
Because you sense in me an... honesty.
'No, because you are stupid.'
No. Little more.
Now what? Single blade of grass on a summer afternoon.
Vine.
You stuck up for me back there.
That's all right. That's why it's such a shame I have to do this.
You are so easy! I knew it, I knew it.
I saw it in your face. Oh, really?
Did you? This face, or this one?
I hate you.
I select tweedy old woman detective.
Her spinsterly cunning should prove a worthy adversary.
Bring it on.
'Hello, dear. Why don't you have a lovely slice of shortbread
'and then let's talk about this frightful Scrane business.'
Trying to disarm me with your sweet little old lady routine, are you?
It won't work see because... Oh, angel cake!
Select detective.
Well, here's the thing. I'm torn between misogynist Cockney and suave Belgian.
Could you do me half-and-half, like a pizza?
Merging detectives.
'Monsieur, when I apply order and method to this mystery,
'it's clear that you should sing, you slag!'
You ain't got nothing on me, mon brave.
Je ne dis rien jusqu'a ce que je voie mon avocat.
'Pull the other one.'
I think it's Mr York.
He's got a suspicious swagger.
Mr York is good.
Oh, Sandstrom, I know you have certain feelings for him.
I want him to... hold me.
Aah, tender feelings.
Then hump me over the antimatter coils.
Right. But for this sake of the ship,
you really shouldn't let those gentle emotions...
Then, spanking begins.
Oh, what's the point, you disgusting robo-tart.
Horn now. Urrgh!
SHE SNORTS
No, not again, no!
Horn now! Please go away.
Horn now!
By my calculation, that puts us more or less back on schedule.
Brilliant. Oh, oh!
Why would anything on this ship need to be so high?
This gantry has no railing, York.
No. You go first.
I'll be right behind you.
It's you.
You're the traitor.
Oh, commander.
Commander, commander, commander.
Do you honestly think after all these years that we've known each other,
I would lure you to the most secluded section of the ship,
with one only one easily-disabled security camera...
And throw you...
All the way down there...
Like this. York!
Please!
You're my best mate. Let me go.
I need to do a wee.
Commander.
I think if I'd wanted to kill you,
I wouldn't have caught you just then, would I?
No.
Are you all right, Commander?
Are you sure? You look a little bit peaky.
I know the very thing.
Its salady fruitiness will revive you.
Banato?
Anything except Gestapo officer.
'I think you said Gestapo officer.'
Talk, Britisher!
I don't know anything about the Scrane.
And I said anything but Gestapo.
Liar, liar, liar!
Inside this envelope
is the identity of the traitor.
Quite exciting, isn't it, really?
All right, get back.
Error 605. Culprit not found.
Good, so we're all innocent.
No. This programme is just a lie detector with a fancy interface.
Maybe the traitor thinks they're innocent.
Sorry! It could be that the traitor is not aware that he is a traitor.
The perfect liars are liars who do not know they lie.
So what made them do it? Anyone?
Subliminal orders. Sent through some sort of machine perhaps.
Some device.
MUFFLED: Oh, ho! Roast lamb.
Oi, how long have you have that?
Two weeks. Where did you get it?
I won it in a competition. What was it about?
I can't remember! So how does the flavour code work, Vine?
Strawberry daiquiri means give your position to the enemy?
Banoffi pie means sell your soul?
Hey, you think it's me, don't you? Jeffers.
Tell him it's not me. You are a bit of a loner.
You keep yourself to yourself. Hang him high! Hey, it's just a mouth player.
Here, have a lick. And turn into you? Not to mention the hygiene implications.
You are a good mate, Dave. So I'll make this easy for you.
Mr York, shoot him.
Oh, really? Gently.
Take him to the cube.
Vine. Hi, Vine.
'Look - a tortoise!
'He's very slow but he's awfully wise!'
Hello.
It's Miss Teal.
I've come to give you a bit of support before your certain conviction and public drowning.
OK, I'm sending something under the door now, Vine.
You can do the jumbo crossword but please leave the prize wordsearch.
OK?
There's a sparkly pen which you will not chew.
Yes, robot, we have triumphed once again.
Thanks to hope and courage,
which combine to form the still stronger force of horage.
Horage.
Commander...
Commander? It cannot be!
It be.
Oh, Jeffers! The commander, he's the one.
I know you like him, Teal, but you can't wait forever.
No! He is the one!
BOTH: Oh!
Stand by.
This is operative 12 sending convoy location. Hail the Scrane!
Attention all crew.
Prepare to be boarded.
Offer no resistance or you will die.
Bow to the Scrane!
No, no, no - it's me, it's Chloe...
Teal. Big truck.
Womanzilla.
Womanzilla. Yeah.
They're controlling me.
It's so hard to fight it.
Please - kill me. I don't want to!
Change the setting to kill.
If you've ever cared about me, this ship or planet Earth, you'll do it.
Good girl.
First of all I have to know what I mean to you.
The biggest regret of my life is that we will never have a family together.
Really? I love you, Chloe, so much.
Ohhh! Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye.
You can't just say nice things to girls cos you want them to kill you.
You have to mean it. Take orders for once! I don't want to now!
You're so naughty. Shoot me, you cow! I am not a cow. You...
How are you doing this? How are you controlling me?!
Release.
Yes, Michael Henderson.
Look upon the face of your master.
Captain Helix! Actually, no.
The acclaimed actor of stage and screen Gareth Stannis? No.
My real name is Scrane Orovik.
You see, 30 years ago, I learned of top-secret British plans for a super weapon.
I knew we must have it.
So, in a series of painful operations, I transformed
my handsome Scrane face into the hideous human visage you now see.
I began a career as a human actor.
Oh, the years of struggle.
A touring play about a middle-aged novelist.
My one-man Little Dorrit. Oh, that's a very brave choice.
Thank you. Until finally, I was allowed to
create a special vehicle for my unique talents - Captain Helix.
At this point, we chose an impressionable, unhappy human child,
and used the program to control his mind.
All this to control me all this time?
Yes.
And was Robot in on this?
Um, Robot is just a prop made of light bulbs and dustbins.
He always felt so real to me!
My acting brought him to life.
HE SCOFFS
Since the age of 13, you have responded to my subliminal messages,
messages we update each time you buy a new box set.
Thus he has actually paid for his own demise.
I made you join Space Force. I made you volunteer for this mission.
I made you give away your position.
You would have let me board on the first attack if you'd watched season three in the correct order.
Yes, it hurts, doesn't it, to know it's all your fault?
You killed Skydancer and Fruitloops!
Oh, it's worse than that. Air screen.
My minions are aligning the weapon at its first target,
a star I think you know well.
All look a bit the same to me, if I'm being honest.
It's your sun, you div!
Is it? Oh, yes.
Soon it will be extinguished.
In hours, Britain will freeze and that gun will be unique and mine.
Now, I want you to tell them to fire.
Never.
Horage.
Fire!
You've been a good slave, Henderson.
Just one more task.
Kill your friends then yourself.
(I'm sorry.)
Oh, you're trying to fight it, aren't you? But you can't.
You must do what Captain Helix wants you to.
Yes, I must.
Oh, Commander, that was majestic.
How did you do it? Well, I just did what Captain Helix would want me to.
Not him. The one I grew up with.
You know, I knew it was a lie,
but I just took that hunk of a lie and I made it the truth.
Commander, perhaps we'd better destroy the gun and save the world.
Er, yes, do that. Saving.
CAPTAIN HELIX COUGHS
Look, I know you're evil, but I just wanted you to know
that you were the nearest thing to a father I ever had...
apart from Dad, of course. You little bastard!
You killed me.
Call yourself a fan?
You were a great actor.
Was I?
I wasn't too hammy?
No, you were perfect.
Do it for me, will you?
Do the captain one last time. Hey, look!
Hey, I've got this little guy.
Robot... I'm going on my final journey now.
A journey I must take alone.
Remember me to the acolytes of Thran!
Hey, hey, sorry, but it's actually Thral.
D'you know if they're gonna do a fifth series?
Farewell...friend.
Is that enough? Yeah. Good.
You won't be needing this any more.
Oh, Commander,
are we still feeling a bit down, are we?
You could say that, yeah.
Well, what with you killing your childhood hero and your whole life being a lie...
Still, it may never happen. Oh, well, it has happened.
But it's very unlikely to happen again, so that's good.
I just... I don't know who I am any more. Aw.
You know?
Thank you. Maybe I need to find out.
I'm handing in my notice.
Commander, Betelgeusian genital eaters of Zizazee
have attacked the British base on Waywawee.
Let's go, yeah?
Stop. I made it up.
Betelgeusian genital eaters...!
Why would you do that? I got the...the tingle.
To show you. To show you that this is your calling.
This is where you belong.
This is who you are.
Except the Space Marshall is certain to sack you, so it's academic.
Banato?
Anderson, come straight to Earth.
For my court martial?
For the parade. You're our hero, man!
Saving the world from that Scrane gun!
No, hang on, that was actually...
A Scrane gun. Scrane gun.
Those evil, evil Scrane, making such a horrific weapon.
Strike a pose!
Capture. There, that's the statue for the Mall.
I've hired an open-top hoverbus through London.
Bring a Scrane corpse. We'll throw it to the crowd.
They can tear it apart. Fun for the kids.
And then dinner with the King. King?!
Well, the list is quite tight for that one, actually.
This man has just saved planet Earth.
You invite him, you beast!
This is going to your head, Henderson.
I'm not sure I like the new you.
Incredible. You really are amazing, aren't you? I know.
I know. Oh, congratulations. Thank you very much.
I can't... I can't get over it.
Crew of the Camden Lock, we're heading home.
You're all heroes.
I want everyone to take the afternoon off work.
Yeah!
Ah. Hey, hey, what...?
Temperature falling, oxygen depleting.
Um, everyone except those that work in life support. Heather?
Paolo?
Guys?
Anyone?
Control room temperature will reach absolute zero in 48 seconds.
HE SIGHS HEAVILY
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk