1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:03,490 That was "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell, 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,779 a song in which Joni complains that they paved Paradise to put up a parking lot. 3 00:00:09,599 --> 00:00:13,810 A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of Paradise, 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,190 something which Joni singularly fails to point out. 5 00:00:17,719 --> 00:00:22,320 Perhaps it doesn't fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song. 6 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,809 It's 4.35 a.m. You're listening to "Up with the Partridge". 7 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,429 (Cockerel crows) (MAN) A-ha! 8 00:00:31,879 --> 00:00:34,369 And now it's time for Alan's "Fact of the Day". 9 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,689 Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab, 10 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:43,509 and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them "crab-flavoured" sticks. 11 00:00:44,399 --> 00:00:46,859 Another one of those same time tomorrow. 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,939 Radio Norwich, the best music. 13 00:00:51,439 --> 00:00:55,270 Pray silence, please, for the Electric Light Orchestra. 14 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,109 The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase. 15 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:11,290 Time now to hand over to mine breakfast host Mr David Clifton. Good morning to you, sir! 16 00:01:12,079 --> 00:01:14,329 And good morning to you, Mr Alan Partridge, sir. 17 00:01:14,799 --> 00:01:19,370 I heard your phone-in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham. He was a wacky fella! 18 00:01:20,159 --> 00:01:23,420 Yeah, he was. I actually think he was a bit simple. 19 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,069 Heard you laying into the criminals again. 20 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:31,299 - Vandals got to your car again? - Afraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum. 21 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,629 Ok! It's 7 a.m. Wakey-wakey, it's the breakfast show. 22 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,450 Here's Yazoo. 23 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,670 (Music) 24 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,569 Lynn, message from Alan. 25 00:01:48,079 --> 00:01:51,409 Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. 26 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,180 Idea for film extravaganza. 27 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,609 Plot thus.. Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. 28 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:03,890 He's being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer. 29 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,349 Terrible idea. No one'll watch that. 30 00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:10,370 I've not thought it through, Lynn. I'll call you back. 31 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,270 # She's a killer queen 32 00:02:17,199 --> 00:02:19,729 # Guaranteed to blow your mind # 33 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,819 - Good morning, Alan. How are you today? - Classic Queen! 34 00:02:24,479 --> 00:02:26,830 - Very well, how are you? - I'm fine. 35 00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:30,729 - I like those earrings. Are they gold? - Yes, they're rolled gold. 36 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,919 That's not really gold, is it? But they're nice. 37 00:02:34,439 --> 00:02:38,199 Like little wax tears dripping from your ears because they're sad. 38 00:02:38,879 --> 00:02:42,180 Don't cry, ears! You're on the side of a lovely head! 39 00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:46,740 - Aah! - Good show this morning? 40 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,569 - It was a belter! Did you hear it? - No. 41 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,430 - Any messages? - Just the one. From Bill Oddie. 42 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:54,740 - Did he leave a message? - No. 43 00:02:55,159 --> 00:02:59,270 No, he never does. I'm afraid, Susan, I've got some very bad news. 44 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,099 - Oh? - I'm leaving you, you cow! 45 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,360 Sorry, bit of a joke there. Backfired... 46 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,210 I'm going to be checking out at the end of the week. 47 00:03:10,719 --> 00:03:14,090 - Are you going back to your wife? - No! Carol? No, God, no. 48 00:03:14,719 --> 00:03:17,180 She's living with a fitness instructor. 49 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,430 He provides all her 50 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,580 sexual er...intercourse. 51 00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:26,810 Sorry. Dry skin. I'm flaking again. 52 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,219 Apology. 53 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:32,169 I'm sorry about the cow earlier. You're not a cow. 54 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,659 And if you were, you'd be a lovely Jersey, ripe for milking. 55 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,409 Just talking about cows. 56 00:03:38,879 --> 00:03:41,300 - Do you like milk? - No. 57 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,430 Actually, can I talk to you? It's a rather delicate matter. 58 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,120 (PHONE) 59 00:03:46,439 --> 00:03:48,969 Oh, excuse me. Sophie, could you deal with this? 60 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,129 - Sophie? - Mr Partridge? 61 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:55,030 At the end of the week I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC. 62 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,349 And he is Mr Numero...One. 63 00:03:58,879 --> 00:04:02,460 And the problem is, I've got some rude daubings on the side of my car. 64 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:07,050 - Can you still drive the car? - Yeah, obviously. I mean that's... 65 00:04:07,759 --> 00:04:10,360 Do you know what it says on the side of my car? 66 00:04:10,879 --> 00:04:13,580 - "Tosser"? - No. 67 00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:18,389 You're in the right ballpark. 68 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,579 No, it actually says "Cock, Piss, Partridge". 69 00:04:26,639 --> 00:04:28,430 Is everything all right? 70 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:31,050 Mr Partridge, um... 71 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,160 ..has got some rude graffiti on... 72 00:04:36,759 --> 00:04:41,259 - Graffiti? What, in the hotel? - No, there's never any graffiti in the hotel. 73 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,939 Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago, I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. 74 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:52,269 It was quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that's the tragedy. 75 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,350 But no, it's on the side of my car. 76 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,000 It says "Cock, Piss, Partridge". 77 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,490 Which is illegal. 78 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,949 - Is she new? - Yes, she is. 79 00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:08,610 I'm driving around in an obscene publication. I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. 80 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,149 Or bitch, might be a lady. 81 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,089 - Susan, could I take five minutes? - Yes, of course. 82 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,560 Nipping off for a fag? 83 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,740 (SUSAN) Don't worry about your car. I'll get Michael to sort it out for you. 84 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,259 - Oh! Talk of the devil! - Morning, Mr Partridge. 85 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:27,170 Michael, I was just saying to Susan. Bit of a job for you. 86 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,100 Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again. 87 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:35,019 (GEORDIE ACCENT) Vandals, Mr Partridge? Makes you wonder what it's all aboot. 88 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:38,730 - Aboot? - Aye. You know, vandals. What is it all aboot? 89 00:05:39,319 --> 00:05:44,310 Oh, about. Sorry, sometimes it's difficult to understand the Geordie...people. 90 00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:49,930 (HEAVY ACCENT) If they had proper jobs, they wouldn't be up to all this larking. 91 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,670 What? 92 00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:58,399 What I'm saying is, if they had themselves proper jobs to gan to, they wouldn't do it. 93 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,740 - A lot of them's from broken homes. - I'm sorry, that was just a noise. 94 00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:08,350 All I got there was "broken homes". And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. 95 00:06:09,199 --> 00:06:13,519 Look at you. Do you go around drawing peephole bras on the wall? 96 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:18,069 But it was different for me, like 'cause I was in the army when I was seventeen. 97 00:06:18,759 --> 00:06:21,850 There you go. They taught you a trade. Minor repairs. 98 00:06:22,439 --> 00:06:25,180 - Aye. That and killing. - Really? 99 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,910 Oh, aye. I've seen some terrible things, mind. 100 00:06:29,399 --> 00:06:32,699 What, like three men burning in a tank, going "Urgh!"? 101 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:38,279 - You wouldn't want to know, Mr Partridge. - I'll be honest, I'm pretty curious. 102 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,839 I'd basically like to understand man's inhumanity to man, 103 00:06:42,399 --> 00:06:45,660 and then make a programme about it. 104 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:50,180 Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could... 105 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:53,310 ..kill that. 106 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,540 I'll see you reet, me old fishy on a dishy. 107 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,819 I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll do a quick fix on it for now, and... 108 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,459 You've gone again! Goodnight. 109 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,519 Idea for a programme, "Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge". 110 00:07:14,199 --> 00:07:18,199 I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages, 111 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:24,050 from fat, chubby ladies of the Renaissance, to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses, 112 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,899 right up to twentieth-century well-toned women 113 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,569 like Sharon Davies and Jet from "Gladiators". 114 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:42,870 Jet from "Gladiators" to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. 115 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:51,399 Properly policed. It must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave. 116 00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:08,079 Would you like me to lap-dance for you? 117 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,769 Uh-uh. I want a second series. 118 00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:14,899 (KNOCK) 119 00:08:15,279 --> 00:08:18,019 - Alan... - FIGHT YOU! Sorry... 120 00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:22,839 - Come in! The door's open. - Just me. 121 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,170 - There's tea in the pot. - Oh, good. 122 00:08:28,639 --> 00:08:31,410 - Do you want a cup? - Thank you. 123 00:08:31,959 --> 00:08:34,210 What have you got for me, Lynn? 124 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,240 I've arranged for you to see a show house at ten o'clock. 125 00:08:37,759 --> 00:08:40,429 Good. Got my fungal foot powder? 126 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,929 It's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these. 127 00:08:45,639 --> 00:08:48,899 I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. 128 00:08:49,519 --> 00:08:52,259 Foster's Menswear said yes - if you get the second series 129 00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,360 and you wear one garment a week on air. 130 00:08:55,879 --> 00:08:58,269 Monza said no to a free caravan and yes to a tow-bar. 131 00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:00,759 I'll take it. 132 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,389 - Dolphin Bathrooms? - They said they didn't do that sort of thing. 133 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,440 That's rubbish. I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. 134 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,710 One for him and one for his brother-in-law. 135 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,490 Right, dry-skin cream. 136 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:20,700 I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack. 137 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,870 Ok, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday. 138 00:09:28,639 --> 00:09:30,460 You be Tony Hayers. 139 00:09:30,879 --> 00:09:34,740 - Hello, Tony! How are you? - I'm fine. 140 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,000 - How are you? - Oh, very busy. 141 00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:41,289 I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. 142 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,240 - But a happy one. - Good. 143 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,330 Would you like a second series of your chat show? 144 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,299 l think he'll be a bit tougher than that, Lynn. 145 00:09:52,799 --> 00:09:55,610 - We might give you a second series. - That's about right. 146 00:09:56,159 --> 00:09:58,120 Ok, small talk. 147 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:01,299 - Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? - Yes, please. 148 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,120 Rolled on the thighs of a virgin. 149 00:10:07,279 --> 00:10:09,559 I'm being bawdy, Lynn. Enjoy it. 150 00:10:10,039 --> 00:10:11,970 (Grunts) 151 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,840 Well, he MIGHT make that noise. Be a bit weird. 152 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,200 You said you might give me a second series. Why is there any doubt? 153 00:10:21,879 --> 00:10:27,009 Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan. For example, in this drawer you... 154 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,779 ..you have, um, things. 155 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,879 And sometimes you have too many things. 156 00:10:41,399 --> 00:10:45,370 Abandon that, Lynn, it's not working. Ok, doomsday scenario. 157 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:51,309 You, Tony Hayers, have decided not to give me another television series. Why? Be tough. 158 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:57,190 The ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there. 159 00:11:00,879 --> 00:11:03,129 Are you being Lynn or Tony? 160 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,509 - Tony. - Be Lynn again. 161 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,940 - Can I have a second series? - Who am I? 162 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,250 - Just say yes! - Yes! 163 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:13,960 Thank you. They were there when I moved in. 164 00:11:15,399 --> 00:11:18,809 From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.5 165 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,000 and now in Hemsby on 106.9, 166 00:11:22,519 --> 00:11:25,080 this is Radio Norwich. 167 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,149 - Living room. - I like this, yes. 168 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:32,960 Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here. 169 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,600 - Swing a tiger in here, really! - You could, couldn't you? 170 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,779 Wouldn't want to, though. Not unless it had been stunned. 171 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,179 Even then it's going to weigh the best part of a ton. 172 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,200 - Do YOU like the room? - It's very nice. 173 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,860 Lynn's not my wife. She's my P.A. 174 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,389 Hard worker, but there's no affection. 175 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,259 So, you'd be living alone? 176 00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:03,850 Yes. In fact, the best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! 177 00:12:05,919 --> 00:12:08,379 She's living with a fitness instructor. 178 00:12:08,879 --> 00:12:11,580 He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot! 179 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,759 Is there a neighbourhood... Sorry, I'm very close to you. 180 00:12:16,279 --> 00:12:18,740 - Is there a neighbourhood watch system? - I think so. 181 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,909 I'll do my stint. I'd want expenses, though. 182 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,870 Otherwise people start taking liberties. Before you know it, you're mowing their lawn. 183 00:12:27,519 --> 00:12:30,500 - Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? - Yup. 184 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,659 One more question. 185 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,419 Quite nearby, I saw a community centre with a mural on the side. 186 00:12:39,039 --> 00:12:41,809 - School for the Deaf. - Right. 187 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,340 That means there will be noise or there won't be noise? 188 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,419 Difficult one to figure out, that. But they're just deaf, 189 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,190 - They're not deaf offenders? - They're just deaf. 190 00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:57,940 After you. Not you, Lynn. Stay here, get on the phone. 191 00:12:58,679 --> 00:13:03,490 Pester Debenham's for free lamps, free lampshades, whatever you can blag off them. 192 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,419 - This is the kitchen, obviously. - Lovely. 193 00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:09,480 - Has this kitchen been distressed? - Yeah, it has. 194 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,460 What's this? It's a cast-iron egg-tree, lacquered. 195 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,190 Is that included? It's not a deal-breaker but I would like to know. 196 00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:21,429 Everything you want to keep here could be kept. Or not. 197 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,490 - Optional. - As you wish, certainly. 198 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,879 - What's this little sink, here? - That's a rinser. 199 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,470 Get rid of it. 200 00:13:30,919 --> 00:13:33,409 - Bathroom. - Do you know what this room says to me? 201 00:13:33,919 --> 00:13:37,080 "Aqua." Which is French for water. 202 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:42,980 It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus. 203 00:13:43,879 --> 00:13:46,580 Yes, it's an extender. 204 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,000 Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake! 205 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:54,700 Do you know, if King Arthur had had an extender on his table... 206 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,440 - It would have been a different story, really. - It wouldn't have been round! 207 00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:02,690 It's very Cluedo this house, isn't it? 208 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,519 Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom with the lead pipe. Battered. 209 00:14:08,279 --> 00:14:13,549 I DO like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very high tech, space age. 210 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:19,500 I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. 211 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:25,210 - Do you mind if I have a go? - Sure. Help yourself. 212 00:14:29,759 --> 00:14:33,019 - Can I have a go on the loo? - Oh! Sorry, yes. 213 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,919 - I prefer to go alone... - Sure. 214 00:14:36,399 --> 00:14:38,649 ..most times. Thanks. 215 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,690 It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! 216 00:14:47,279 --> 00:14:49,450 - Alan? - One yank, gone! 217 00:14:49,919 --> 00:14:54,450 That was Tony Hayers's office on the phone. They've put the meeting forward to 12.30 today. 218 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,490 - When did you get this call? - Three minutes ago. 219 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,710 What have you been doing for three minutes? 220 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,090 - You were on the toilet. - Was I on that long? 221 00:15:05,799 --> 00:15:07,899 It was in that area. 222 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,389 - We're going to have to zip. - Right, Ok. 223 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,509 One more question about the house. Petrol stations nearby? 224 00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:16,600 - Shell, about a quarter of a mile. - Has it got a mini-mart? 225 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,950 - Mini-mart? - Scaled-down supermarket in a petrol station. 226 00:15:21,639 --> 00:15:24,480 - Sells pies, anti-freeze. - Yeah, it's got one of those. 227 00:15:25,039 --> 00:15:27,639 In that case, you've got yourself a deal! I'll take the house. 228 00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:30,690 - Are you going to make an offer? - Oh, yes, of course. 229 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,820 - How much is it? - 325,000. 230 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,149 - Will you take 324? - Yeah. 231 00:15:42,799 --> 00:15:45,639 - How many bedrooms has it got? - Five. 232 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,450 Five, cor! My five-bedroom bastard house. 233 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,940 Right. Lynn, let's go off to the BBC. I'm going to be back on TV. 234 00:15:54,639 --> 00:15:56,889 - Did you watch my TV show? - Oh, yes. 235 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,970 - Did you like it? - I loved it. 236 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,710 "A-haaa!" 237 00:16:06,559 --> 00:16:09,720 (LYNN) What if Tony Hayers sees "Cook, Pass, Babtridge" painted on your car? 238 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,639 (ALAN) Don't worry, Lynn, I'll play it down. 239 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,879 .."Partridge" I can understand, but then "Cock" and "Piss" 240 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,309 - A table for two, sir? - Yes, please. 241 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,649 - No, sorry, you. - Yeah, name of Hayers. 242 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,830 If you'd like to follow me. 243 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:28,450 We managed to rectify it, because it now says "Cook" where it once said "Cock", 244 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,429 and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss". 245 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:35,529 So it's slightly less rude. 246 00:16:36,039 --> 00:16:38,320 Would you like a drink first? 247 00:16:39,919 --> 00:16:42,620 I'll have a pint of bitter. 248 00:16:43,159 --> 00:16:47,129 - Just a mineral water for me, please. - Actually, I'll have a mineral water, too. 249 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,799 - Will you be having wine with your meal? - Not for me. 250 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,850 No, no. 251 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,100 All this wine nonsense! 252 00:16:54,519 --> 00:16:58,799 You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. 253 00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:04,299 "Let's have a bit of red." "Let's have a bit of white." "Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet." 254 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:07,579 "Ooh, this smells of," I don't know, "basil". 255 00:17:08,079 --> 00:17:12,259 Sometimes you want to say, "Sod all this wine, just give me a pint of mineral water". 256 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,849 I don't think wine's an elitist thing any more. You can get good wine in Tesco's now. 257 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,589 I'd love to make a genuinely popular wine programme. 258 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,490 Can I just shock you? I LIKE wine. 259 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:30,690 Despite what I said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house. 260 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,230 - Really? - Interesting fact. 261 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,380 - It's my weakness, I'm afraid. I've got a cellar. - So have I. 262 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,990 There's no wine in it 263 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:44,009 just a couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel and an old bag of cement. Gone hard. 264 00:17:44,799 --> 00:17:46,970 Are you ready to order? 265 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:51,299 Yes. I think I'll have the Fettuccini a l'Arrabbiata, please. 266 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,890 Can I have the same, please? 267 00:17:54,319 --> 00:17:56,880 But with different-shaped pasta. 268 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,539 What do you call those pasta in bows? 269 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,440 Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an Action Man bow-tie. 270 00:18:04,079 --> 00:18:08,750 - Farfalle. - Yeah, that with Action Man bow-tie. 271 00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:11,309 Anything else? 272 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:15,549 Yeah, I think I'll have some wine, actually. 273 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,339 Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun, please. 274 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,410 - Loved your article in The Guardian, by the way. - Really? 275 00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,430 I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever, 276 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,799 where you said "Revolution, not evolution". 277 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:41,710 No, it was the opposite. Evolution, not revolution. 278 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,640 Well, whatever. Because that is ME. 279 00:18:46,279 --> 00:18:49,930 Because I evolve, but I don't... 280 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,559 ..revolve. Or vice versa, you know. 281 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:59,740 I suppose what you're tying to say is, you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands. 282 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,069 - No, that IS what we want. - I'm your man. 283 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,650 That's what I wanted to talk about. Your career. 284 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:10,490 I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you. 285 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,190 Can I just say - this is music to my ears. 286 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:17,220 - Whoa! What are you doing? - Pouring the wine out. 287 00:19:17,759 --> 00:19:20,809 I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest. 288 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,589 - I've already poured half. - It's all right. 289 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:32,569 That's fine, fill her up. 290 00:19:36,599 --> 00:19:39,160 Here's to our future relationship at the BBC. 291 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,230 I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. 292 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,089 l think it's time for you to consider moving on to new pastures. 293 00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:49,680 - Have I got a second series? - There's so many opportunities for a man... 294 00:19:50,279 --> 00:19:54,920 Let me rephrase that. Can I... No, actually I'll just repeat the question. 295 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,279 - Have I got a second series? - No. 296 00:19:58,799 --> 00:20:00,940 Thank you. That's all I wanted to know. 297 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,720 - Tony! - Oh, Peter, hello. How are you? 298 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,289 Alan, this is Peter Linehan. He's revamping our Current Affairs output. 299 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,819 - We haven't met, but I liked your chat show. - Thank you very much. 300 00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:19,680 - Has he given you another series? - No, he won't give me one. 301 00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:24,180 - Give him another series, you swine! - Yeah, give me another series, you shit. 302 00:20:31,799 --> 00:20:35,420 Look, Alan, I don't want you feel that the... I'll see you later, Peter. 303 00:20:36,079 --> 00:20:39,730 I don't want you to feel that the doors have all closed at the BBC. 304 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,369 If you come up with anything else, then I don't want you to hesitate to call... 305 00:20:45,079 --> 00:20:47,779 Would you like me to lap dance for you? 306 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,460 Blue Nun! 307 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,450 ..If you have any other ideas. I'd be very interested. 308 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,839 Got them here, got them here! Right, Ok. 309 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,890 "Shoestring", "Taggart", "Spender", "Bergerac", "Morse". 310 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,519 What does that say to you about regional detective series? 311 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:18,420 - There's too many of them? - That's one way of looking at it. 312 00:21:19,039 --> 00:21:23,500 Another way of looking at it is people like them, let's make some more of them. 313 00:21:24,279 --> 00:21:27,049 A detective series based in Norwich, called "Swallow". 314 00:21:27,599 --> 00:21:31,250 "Swallow" is a detective who tackles vandalism. 315 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,470 Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. 316 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:41,349 He's not a criminal, but he will go 80 mph on the motorway if he wants to get somewhere quickly. 317 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:47,299 Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before "Inspector Morse". 318 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,460 - This will put Norwich on the map. - Why would I want to do that? 319 00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:54,970 Yep, fair point. 320 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,309 Ok, right. Alan Attack! Like the "Cook Report" 321 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,039 - but with a more slapstick approach. - No. 322 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,619 - "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave." - I don't think so. 323 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,450 Pity, because they were very keen on that one. 324 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:13,269 Right, you'll like this. "Knowing M.E., Knowing You." 325 00:22:14,039 --> 00:22:18,009 I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about their condition. 326 00:22:20,319 --> 00:22:24,529 We intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, give them a platform. 327 00:22:25,279 --> 00:22:28,329 You've got to keep the energy up, because... 328 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,359 You don't like it? That's all right, that's OK. "Inner-City Sumo." 329 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,420 - What's that? - We take fat people from the inner cities, 330 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:40,980 put them in nappies and get them to throw each other out of a circle drawn with chalk. 331 00:22:41,839 --> 00:22:44,890 - It's a bad idea. - Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park. 332 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,500 - If you don't do it, Sky will. - I'll live with that. 333 00:22:49,079 --> 00:22:51,009 Is that it? 334 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,349 No, no. "Cooking in Prison." 335 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,829 - "A Partridge Amongst the Pigeons." - What's that? 336 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,680 It's just a title. 337 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,509 Opening sequence - me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons, going, "Oh, God!" 338 00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:11,069 I'm sorry, no! Stop! 339 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:15,380 - "Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank." - No! 340 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,049 "Monkey Tennis"? 341 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,819 There is to be no second series, and I've listened to your ideas, I've listened to them all, 342 00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:34,279 - and I haven't liked a single one. - Tony, I've just bought a house. 343 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,349 lt's got a Buck Rogers toilet. 344 00:23:37,839 --> 00:23:41,140 - One yank, all gone! - We don't owe you a living. 345 00:23:41,759 --> 00:23:45,690 You are someone who has a proven track record for making bad television programmes. 346 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,140 That's bollocks, but go on. 347 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,869 It's not bollocks. Your programmes were appalling. 348 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,990 The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse... 349 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,890 "They started badly, they got worse. Ooh, your programmes, your programmes." 350 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,539 - Alan, you're making a fool of yourself. - Who-oo... 351 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,819 Who-oo... 352 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,180 Who do you think you are? 353 00:24:12,759 --> 00:24:17,500 Unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television. 354 00:24:18,319 --> 00:24:21,089 Oh, let's forget about all this! 355 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,579 - Do you want some cheese? - No, thank you. 356 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:31,109 - It's quite nice. Do you want to smell it? - No, thanks. 357 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,470 - Smell the cheese. - No, I don't want to. 358 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,349 - Smell my cheese! - Alan, please! 359 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:39,650 - Smell my cheese, you mother! - I think that's quite enough, thank you! 360 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,440 I've got cheese! This is cheese! 361 00:24:47,279 --> 00:24:49,380 Bloody BBC! 362 00:24:49,839 --> 00:24:54,299 What are you doing? Haven't you programmes to make? No, you're all on the BBC gravy train! 363 00:24:55,079 --> 00:24:57,609 I wish I was. Take this cheese. 364 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,369 - How did it go? - A bit bad, Lynn! 365 00:25:00,839 --> 00:25:03,539 (LYNN) Oh, it's smelly. (AlAN) It's got walnuts in. 366 00:25:04,079 --> 00:25:05,829 (ALAN) Let's go! 367 00:25:10,079 --> 00:25:12,539 I wasn't expecting that, Lynn. 368 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,599 That was a negative, and right now I need TWO positives. 369 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,630 You know, one to cancel out the negative 370 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:24,099 and another one just so I can have a positive. 371 00:25:25,839 --> 00:25:27,869 Oh, my God! 372 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,660 One can find some strength 373 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,549 when you're at your bleakest moments, 374 00:25:36,039 --> 00:25:39,549 - If you open yourself up to new choices... - Lynn, I'm not coming to your Baptist church! 375 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,619 They always get people when they're down. 376 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,359 I don't want salvation. I just want to be able to say... 377 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:49,720 .."I'm Alan Partridge". 378 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,710 "Join me tonight when my guests will be"... l don't know, "Chris Rea." 379 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:59,289 Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. 380 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,859 - All right, Chris! - Hello, Alan. I didn't know you'd moved in. 381 00:26:02,279 --> 00:26:04,170 Yeah, just moved in, last week. 382 00:26:04,599 --> 00:26:07,549 - I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over? - I'd love to! 383 00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:11,950 - Do you mind if I bring my guitar? - I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. 384 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,619 - Do you like Mini Kiev's? - I love them, but my wife's vegetarian. 385 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,500 - Doesn't matter. She can have fish. - No, she won't eat that either. 386 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:21,910 Oh, forget it! 387 00:26:22,319 --> 00:26:23,930 You people! 388 00:26:24,319 --> 00:26:27,410 Come on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me. 389 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,980 I'll tell you something. They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing, 390 00:26:31,559 --> 00:26:35,180 but can they order an Irish coffee at 3 a.m. and get it delivered to their bedroom? 391 00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:39,769 - Nope. - Nope. I can. I'll drop you at a cab rank. 392 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,579 (Music: "Jet" By Wings) 393 00:26:57,039 --> 00:27:00,940 Hi. Can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room, please? 394 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,779 No? Er, right. Tea? 395 00:27:08,319 --> 00:27:10,420 Can of Fanta? 396 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,690 Minibar, right. No, I'll get it myself. 397 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,670 # Jet 398 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,000 # Jet 399 00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:24,700 # Jet... # 400 00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:29,380 Right...minibar. 401 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,900 Kate Bush there, the lovely Kate Bush 402 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,789 with "The Man with the Child in His Eyes". 403 00:27:46,279 --> 00:27:49,190 which brings us on very neatly to my next guest, 404 00:27:49,759 --> 00:27:52,779 Mr Stephen Brai, whose father invented Cats eyes. 405 00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:58,099 Stephen, what was it like living with...being the son of the man who invented Cats eyes? 406 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:02,500 I remember he came home from work one night very excited, and he... 407 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,130 Did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch 408 00:28:07,839 --> 00:28:09,839 hoping to catch the reflection in your eyes? 409 00:28:10,279 --> 00:28:13,789 The idea of reflection of course is what Dad was interested in, the idea of... 410 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,369 Going to have to interrupt you, Stephen, it's time now for Alan's "Fact of the Day". 411 00:28:19,079 --> 00:28:22,869 "Most cornflakes come from the USA." One of those again tomorrow. 412 00:28:23,559 --> 00:28:26,750 I remember I hit a fox once in the Peak District. 413 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:31,640 I remember seeing the reflection in his eyes just before I hit it. It was too late, of course. 414 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,910 But I didn't kill him, that was the tragedy, I had to go back and finish him off with a jack. 415 00:28:36,559 --> 00:28:39,650 This is Huey Lewis and the News. 416 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:44,029 No, it's not. It's Kate Bush. What am I doing? Sorry. Huey Lewis, there we go. 417 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,859 Oh, Christ! I'm sorry. 418 00:28:47,319 --> 00:28:49,849 (Cockerel Crows) (MAN) A-ha! 419 00:28:50,359 --> 00:28:52,500 No, sorry about that.