1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,129
(Rock Music)

2
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:06,519
Hmm! A nice big thick slice of Thin Lizzy.

3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,609
That was for my tireless P.A., Lynn, 50,

4
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:16,329
who is as diligent and hard-working a creature
as ever graced this world we call...

5
00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:21,629
..Earth. It's 4.39 a.m.

6
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,500
Time to run yourself a big bath. It's Chris Rea.

7
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,390
Very malty.

8
00:00:35,799 --> 00:00:39,030
There will be no telephone Cluedo today

9
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:44,240
because of a threat of a court injunction
from the makers of Cluedo. It's 6.58 a.m.

10
00:00:45,039 --> 00:00:48,409
(Cockerel Crows)
- A-ha!

11
00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:51,429
(Kiss)

12
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:56,380
Ha-ha-ha-ha. That kissing sound
isn't someone kissing me, or kissing a cock.

13
00:00:57,159 --> 00:01:02,219
It's simply... A cockerel, I mean.
It's simply a way of saying it's Valentine's Day.

14
00:01:03,079 --> 00:01:05,709
A day upon which Mr Al Capone

15
00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:09,930
ruined a romantic night out
for many diners by massacring them.

16
00:01:10,599 --> 00:01:14,150
Died of syphilis, he did.
So there is some justice.

17
00:01:14,799 --> 00:01:17,640
Anyway, time for me now to hand over to a man

18
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,900
who will hopefully
not be massacring anyone this evening,

19
00:01:21,439 --> 00:01:26,530
or indeed, killing them with syphilis.
Here's Monsieur David Clifton.

20
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,650
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Partridge.
Comment allez-vous, Monsieur?

21
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,790
Yeah, whatever.
Did you get any Valentine's cards this morning?

22
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,510
Actually, I came down this morning
and I couldn't open my door.

23
00:01:41,079 --> 00:01:44,629
- Lose your key?
- I couldn't open my door as I'd lost my key.

24
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,489
I did just say that. Anyway, chocolate oranges...

25
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:51,049
It's 7 a.m. and we've got a good show
lined up for you...

26
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,689
- Do you like chocolate?
- Pardon... Yeah, love it.

27
00:01:55,280 --> 00:02:00,370
I've really got to say this, Dave. Chocolate
oranges are available from Rawlinsons, that's all.

28
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:06,769
OK, it's 7 a.m.
and first of all we got China Crisis.

29
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,449
- Morning.
- All right?

30
00:02:12,879 --> 00:02:14,699
- Sorry?
- Good morning.

31
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,770
That's the one.

32
00:02:17,159 --> 00:02:19,830
- Susan, is he new?
- Yes, he started yesterday.

33
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,030
- He said "Good morning" with his back to me.
- He's OK.

34
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,840
It's just I've never seen that done before.

35
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,639
- Anyway, happy Valentine's Day. How are you?
- I'm a bit tired. I need my beauty sleep.

36
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,520
You don't need beauty sleep. Well, forty winks.

37
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,520
- Did you get the chocolate orange.
- Yes, thank you.

38
00:02:40,039 --> 00:02:43,659
You might find some superficial damage
to the box, but the chocolate's perfectly edible.

39
00:02:44,319 --> 00:02:46,990
I'm giving them to all ladies I know
aged fifty and under.

40
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,400
Over fifty just seems sarcastic.

41
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,240
I'm afraid I need to watch my figure.

42
00:02:53,719 --> 00:02:57,340
I'll watch it for you!
Through my little binoculars, whoo!

43
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,400
Mind you, I can't talk. I've got a fat back.

44
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,050
- What's that?
- A build-up of fatty deposits over the belt line.

45
00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:11,349
It's fairly well concealed in casual clothing,
but you don't want to see me in my underpants.

46
00:03:17,879 --> 00:03:22,800
Sophie, did you get your chocolate orange? I got
you dark chocolate because you don't like milk.

47
00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:27,500
- I do like milk chocolate.
- I could exchange it.

48
00:03:28,199 --> 00:03:31,360
- I could talk to my chocolate people.
- Yes, please.

49
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,430
Have you tampered with the wrapping?

50
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,300
No, but there is a bit
of superficial damage to the box.

51
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,250
Don't worry about the damage,
they're all damaged.

52
00:03:43,879 --> 00:03:47,319
- Have you kept it below room temperature?
- I don't think so.

53
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,169
In that case, I'm afraid
you've invalidated the warranty.

54
00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:57,520
Above room temperature, it all congealed
into one big dark chocolate cricket ball.

55
00:03:58,319 --> 00:04:00,639
So I'm afraid consumer rights no longer apply.

56
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,099
You could try "Watchdog",
but I think they've got bigger fish to fry.

57
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:09,319
- Excuse me, are you Alan Partridge?
- Yes.

58
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,680
- You dropped your ID card, "Radio Norwich".
- Oh, thanks.

59
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,100
- All right?
- Good morning.

60
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,870
Actually, Sophie, there's an issue I've been
meaning to raise for the last two weeks.

61
00:04:26,519 --> 00:04:29,290
You know those little soaps
you leave in the shower room?

62
00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:33,350
They will withstand,
at best, one aggressive body scrub.

63
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:38,500
They start off the size of mini Frisbees,
and they end up like actual-size Paracetamol.

64
00:04:40,199 --> 00:04:43,819
- Can't you use two?
- I suppose that might work.

65
00:04:51,879 --> 00:04:54,370
I'll just write that down.

66
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,639
Hello, Susan. Sorry, have I upset her?

67
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,180
- No, she's fine.
- Right.

68
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,720
Alan, did you send Sophie
a Valentine's card this morning?

69
00:05:08,439 --> 00:05:13,250
Oh, God, no. I'm old enough to be her father.
Well, her older brother. Either way it's incest.

70
00:05:14,079 --> 00:05:16,009
Ben?

71
00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:19,699
Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card?

72
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,930
I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.

73
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,699
You know, the fact that he made that jokey
remark doesn't mean he sent you the card.

74
00:05:32,439 --> 00:05:35,180
- Did you send it?
- No, I sent you a chocolate orange,

75
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,829
- but I had the decency to admit it.
- Come on, Alan, it's just a bit of fun.

76
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,949
A lie is a lie.

77
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,300
- Your P.A.'s here.
- Hello, Lynn, shall we grab a pew?

78
00:05:49,959 --> 00:05:53,290
- Thanks for my dedication this morning.
- You're welcome.

79
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,220
You realise it was
nothing to do with Valentine's Day?

80
00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:01,279
- What have you got for me?
- Do you want the good news or the bad news?

81
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,180
The good news.

82
00:06:03,519 --> 00:06:07,240
Rawlinsons will give you 50 more shop-soiled
chocolate oranges if you plug them again.

83
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,310
Excellent. And the bad news?

84
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:15,079
The accountants say that since you've
definitely not got a second series from the BBC,

85
00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:19,209
you're going to have to sack everyone
and close the office down

86
00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,100
- or they'll declare you bankrupt on Friday.
- Right.

87
00:06:24,519 --> 00:06:26,769
Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.

88
00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:33,670
Alan, you're going to have to trade down
your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

89
00:06:34,439 --> 00:06:39,319
- Go on.
- I picked up these brochures for the new Metro.

90
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,129
- Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
- But you DO have to make substantial savings.

91
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,910
I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

92
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,310
But if you do, you can keep
the company with a skeleton staff...

93
00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:53,899
- There's no point in finishing the sentence.
- But if you...

94
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,939
- Lynn! I'll just speak over you.
- But...

95
00:06:57,439 --> 00:07:00,920
No! Go on, try and finish the sentence
and see what I do.

96
00:07:04,399 --> 00:07:06,930
- Go on!
- With a...

97
00:07:07,439 --> 00:07:11,689
I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving
a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.

98
00:07:12,439 --> 00:07:15,850
No. No, it's different
it's called a Rover Metro now.

99
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,939
They've re-badged it, you fool!

100
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:23,899
If you want a Rover 200, you're going to
have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.

101
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,939
- Fine.
- Including Jill.

102
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,529
Jill. Lovely Jill.
She's my favourite...

103
00:07:34,399 --> 00:07:36,430
But fine, I'll sack her.

104
00:07:36,879 --> 00:07:39,269
- You smiled then, Lynn.
- No, I didn't.

105
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:43,240
Yes, you did. I can read you like a book.
And not a very good book.

106
00:07:43,879 --> 00:07:49,079
Certainly not "Bravo Two Zero" by Andy McNab,
which actually improves with every read.

107
00:07:49,959 --> 00:07:53,120
You smiled because you don't like Jill
because she's younger than you.

108
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,629
- No, she's not. She's fifty.
- So's Helen Mirren.

109
00:07:57,199 --> 00:08:00,639
- So's Benjamin Netanyahu.
- You're always going on about him!

110
00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:04,089
Let it go, Lynn. You're never going to meet him.

111
00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:06,959
I'm going to get a spot of breakfast.

112
00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:10,740
Oh, quick tip, Lynn.
You know the breakfast buffet?

113
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,269
Eat as much as you like,
but from an eight-inch plate.

114
00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:16,870
See that?

115
00:08:17,319 --> 00:08:20,480
Twelve inches... Keep it in my room.

116
00:08:22,839 --> 00:08:24,139
See you later.

117
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,759
(Geordie Accent)
Aye-aye, Mr Partridge, morning.

118
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,680
Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air.

119
00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:34,440
- It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air?
- Aye, aye!

120
00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:38,659
I'm getting the hang of this.
Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.

121
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:44,309
- Are we having the full English breakfast?
- Yes, can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp,

122
00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:48,639
so they can only be identified
by reference to their dental records?

123
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,700
OK, either that or the fingerprints, eh?

124
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,940
- Can you fingerprint a sausage?
- Eh, well, I suppose technically you could.

125
00:08:57,759 --> 00:09:00,950
I suppose if I was a burglar
and I wanted to avoid detection

126
00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:04,330
I could strap sausages to my fingers.

127
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,450
Probably survive a couple of break-ins
before it started to fall apart.

128
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,509
Aye. Or maybe
have just a beef burger for your palm.

129
00:09:13,799 --> 00:09:16,429
No, that's a bit too far-fetched.

130
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,659
I do enjoy these chats in the morning.

131
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,980
# Eighteen till I die,
I'm gonna be eighteen till I die #

132
00:09:29,919 --> 00:09:34,700
- Morning, everyone. Morning, Jill.
- Thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.

133
00:09:35,519 --> 00:09:37,590
You're welcome.
Did you notice anything about the box?

134
00:09:38,039 --> 00:09:41,059
- No.
- Exactly. All the others had superficial damage.

135
00:09:41,639 --> 00:09:44,379
I paid for yours. All your segments are intact.

136
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,629
Well, they were when I looked this morning.

137
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,399
Alan, have we got a second series?

138
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,629
Yes.

139
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,360
(Cheers)

140
00:10:02,759 --> 00:10:06,169
I'll go and get some champagne, shall I?

141
00:10:06,799 --> 00:10:09,539
- Actually, Bill, sparkling wine'll be fine.
- Whatever.

142
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:14,750
- I'll get some crisps and things.
- Actually, Jill, a pipe of Pringles will suffice.

143
00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:19,250
- Unless there's anything else you fancy.
- Eeeer!

144
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,019
No, just a pipe of Pringles, fine.

145
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,070
Would you like me to lap dance for you?

146
00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:46,990
I want a second series.

147
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,110
- I like your thong.
- It's vulcanised rubber

148
00:10:50,639 --> 00:10:53,029
which means it won't perish.

149
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,059
Bash your arse!

150
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,700
Any more news, Alan?

151
00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:08,830
It's in the bag, you're all on board,
details to follow, and...

152
00:11:10,759 --> 00:11:14,090
-..and who left this coffee cup here?
- Sorry, I meant to clean it last night.

153
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:19,070
- That's not good enough. You're sacked!
- What?

154
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:24,580
l will not have uncleansed coffee cups here.
The plague started from a malattended surface.

155
00:11:25,399 --> 00:11:28,100
- What are you doing?
- You're sacked, too.

156
00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:30,990
- Why?
- Because you do this all the time.

157
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,570
- What?
- See, you did it again, you're definitely sacked!

158
00:11:35,159 --> 00:11:38,210
Alison, you are a lady.
I don't want this to be unpleasant...

159
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:42,730
- Are you sacking me? You rotten shit!
- You're a rotten shit, too. Get your coat!

160
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,059
(Alan) Go, go, go, go. Start the car.

161
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,610
Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked you all
in the boardroom so you don't get me.

162
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,679
You can leave by the fire escape,

163
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:04,710
l haven't got a second series,
I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier,

164
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,860
It's a bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it?
You're listening to "Up with the Partridge". Bye!

165
00:12:12,759 --> 00:12:16,090
- Hello, Jill.
- Why is the door locked?

166
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,419
- To keep you out, you thief!
- You what?

167
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,120
I'm being light-hearted.
Shoot your chuff through that door.

168
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,179
- I got the Pringles, and that's for you.
- Thanks.

169
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,960
Where's everybody else?

170
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,409
They've gone to Long Stanton Spice Museum.

171
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,899
Why?

172
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,240
I said, "Congratulations,
you've got a second series.

173
00:12:42,799 --> 00:12:45,259
We can't celebrate with the Spice Girls,

174
00:12:45,759 --> 00:12:50,679
so why not get your arses down
to the Spice Museum in Long Stanton?"

175
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,919
You know, it's not just spices.
It's all about the spice trade.

176
00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:59,539
They've got a model of a slave boat
It's very big,

177
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,929
and you press a button,
you hear all the slaves going, "Woooh", like that,

178
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,830
because they've packed them in too tight.
listen, Jill, I really like you, but...

179
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,759
I like you as well. You're packed in a bit tight.

180
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:18,529
listen, just to clear something up, you know
when you make those sort of risque comments,

181
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:23,820
are you just flirting in that sort of
crude way that middle-aged divorcees do?

182
00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:28,889
Or do you genuinely like me, sex-wise?

183
00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,330
Well, you know, you're a man, I'm a woman.

184
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:36,830
That's a relief. Your mind plays tricks.

185
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:42,809
You're quite successful.
You got a second series.

186
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,419
Carry on.

187
00:13:45,879 --> 00:13:47,879
- You've got needs...
- I have.

188
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,970
- I've got needs...
- Good.

189
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,789
Jill, is the answer to my original question,
"Do you like me sex-wise?"

190
00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,490
- Is the answer to that yes or no? Quickly.
- Yeah.

191
00:14:05,639 --> 00:14:08,100
- I'm Batman.
- Haaah!

192
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,809
- Lion Bar?
- No, I prefer Fingers.

193
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,700
- Chocolate ones?
- Don't mind, really.

194
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,250
(BOTH) Wooah!

195
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,149
Jill, you are SO dirty!

196
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,470
It's quite refreshing. You call a spade a spade.

197
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,519
Actually, you'd probably call it
a big tool, wouldn't you?

198
00:14:35,039 --> 00:14:38,480
So what're we going to do together, then?
Norwich is our oyster.

199
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,710
Jill, do you like owls?

200
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,860
They're quite nice, I suppose, yeah.

201
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:52,049
l know a cracking owl sanctuary. How about it?

202
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,370
- Unless you can think of anything better.
- Could go shopping.

203
00:14:59,679 --> 00:15:03,820
I like the Astroturf they place on the wood there.

204
00:15:04,559 --> 00:15:07,440
It's basically zero-maintenance grass.

205
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,840
Useful stuff.

206
00:15:11,399 --> 00:15:14,100
You know, when I used to see you in reception,

207
00:15:14,639 --> 00:15:18,679
- Do you know what I used to think?
- No.

208
00:15:19,399 --> 00:15:23,649
I used to think, "Ooh, she's nicer than my wife!"

209
00:15:24,399 --> 00:15:27,590
What? That's terrible!

210
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,220
That's a terrible thing to say, Alan.

211
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,190
(Blows Raspberry)

212
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,899
- You're mad, you are!
- I know, I am a bit mad.

213
00:15:47,639 --> 00:15:50,029
Get off!

214
00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:52,980
It's all right.

215
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,269
No, it's all right.
I was just portraying a madman.

216
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,190
(Screeching)

217
00:16:01,799 --> 00:16:05,379
That all looks a little bit
like Death Row, doesn't it?

218
00:16:06,039 --> 00:16:10,039
I'm sorry, Mr Hawk,
your pardon has been turned down.

219
00:16:10,759 --> 00:16:13,809
You have been found guilty of...

220
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:18,539
..premeditated homicide of a mouse,

221
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,100
and you'll be hanged by the neck until dead.

222
00:16:23,679 --> 00:16:28,769
And don't try to hover up so that the rope
goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?

223
00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:34,350
If you tried to hang a hawk,
they could always hover so the rope went slack.

224
00:16:35,159 --> 00:16:38,419
So, I suppose if you were going
to execute a bird of prey,

225
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,200
the most humane way
would be death by firing squad.

226
00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:50,730
(Alan) That is the best Valentine's Day
I've had in eight years.

227
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,649
(Jill) What did you do eight years ago?

228
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,450
- Just had a better one.
- What did you do?

229
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,730
Went to Silverstone,
shook Jackie Stewart's hand! Superb!

230
00:17:02,399 --> 00:17:05,140
My marriage fell apart soon after that.

231
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:10,599
Listen, Jill, there is a romantic buffet supper
at the hotel tonight,

232
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:15,549
as much as you can eat for £6.
I've got a scam going with a big plate.

233
00:17:16,279 --> 00:17:20,740
Do you fancy being my co-eater lady?

234
00:17:21,519 --> 00:17:23,480
Ooh!

235
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,660
Yeah, Alan, I'd like that, yeah.

236
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,450
Listen to this. It'll blow your socks off.

237
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,480
("Gaudete" By Steeleye Span,
Sung in Latin)

238
00:17:33,039 --> 00:17:38,619
(Sings Along Badly)
# Ex Maria virginae, gaudete... #

239
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,240
Just give that a quick clean.

240
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,279
- Saves me doing it later.
- Bonsoir.

241
00:17:49,799 --> 00:17:54,299
Would you like to buy a rose for the lady?
It's £2 for Norwich Children's Hospital.

242
00:17:55,079 --> 00:17:59,049
I've already done something for them.
I did an after-dinner with Bill Oddie.

243
00:17:59,759 --> 00:18:03,829
- Voila.
- Thank you, Alan, that's really lovely.

244
00:18:04,559 --> 00:18:06,910
Keep it, keep it.

245
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,769
You can always get me something
of equivalent value,

246
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,930
a pint of bitter, a big marker pen, whatever.

247
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,630
Have yous all done,
maybe like to order a dessert?

248
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,769
- I'll have chocolate mousse.
- That's good.

249
00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:24,160
Leave that there.

250
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,930
- Two chocolate mousses on its way.
- Just going over there for a bit.

251
00:18:33,799 --> 00:18:36,539
This is a romantic tribute...

252
00:18:37,079 --> 00:18:38,660
(Music)

253
00:18:39,039 --> 00:18:42,730
..to a lovely lady over there with orange hair
and a cigarette in her mouth.

254
00:18:46,279 --> 00:18:50,000
# Why do birds suddenly appear... #

255
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,819
That's too high.

256
00:18:53,279 --> 00:18:56,609
(Sings Out Of Tune)

257
00:18:58,799 --> 00:19:00,900
(Sings Badly)

258
00:19:07,519 --> 00:19:09,910
No, that's not working.

259
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,210
OK. Well, you get
the general idea anyway. Thank you.

260
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,589
That was great. I didn't know you could sing.

261
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,599
I used to be in the choir at primary school...

262
00:19:29,519 --> 00:19:32,190
..before it all dropped,

263
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,000
in my pre-hair days.

264
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,220
It's all fallen into place now, though, hasn't it?

265
00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:42,940
Yep, I've been pubic for thirty-one years.

266
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,099
I was one of the first in my class, actually.

267
00:19:48,519 --> 00:19:53,369
- There you go, two chocolate mousses.
- Thank you.

268
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,900
- I love chocolate.
- So do I.

269
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,690
- Whispas...
- Aeros.

270
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,480
- Ripples.
- Flakes.

271
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,309
It's good this, isn't it, even though
we're basically just listing chocolate bars?

272
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:11,059
Oh, my God, Lynn's here.
Lynn, what are you doing here?

273
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,990
Alan, more good news...

274
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,960
I managed to negotiate
a walnut gear knob for your smaller Rover.

275
00:20:18,599 --> 00:20:21,829
You've come all the way out here
to tell me about a walnut gear knob?

276
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,319
I've been ringing you all day,
but your mobile was switched off.

277
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,180
My mobile was switched off for a reason.
I was at an owl sanctuary.

278
00:20:29,799 --> 00:20:33,450
I was worried that the ringing
may have sounded like a mating call.

279
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,250
I can't have a bird
tying to have sex with my phone.

280
00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:42,250
- Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?
- I just threw it on.

281
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,089
If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that,
you're very much mistaken.

282
00:20:47,839 --> 00:20:50,680
But thanks very much
for the gear knob, and goodnight.

283
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:56,049
We're in the same area. I wondered if you'd
like to take a taxi back with me, make a saving.

284
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,339
No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

285
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,930
I don't recall saying that.

286
00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:07,859
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, all right, then.

287
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,880
- Have a good night, then.
- I will.

288
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,970
- I'll get another half bottle of champagne.
- Yeah, go on, then.

289
00:21:22,839 --> 00:21:26,069
Could you give this to Alan.
It's fungal foot powder.

290
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,940
He's got a condition,
so make sure he rubs it in his feet

291
00:21:30,559 --> 00:21:35,059
last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Only it just gets a little bit smelly.

292
00:21:35,839 --> 00:21:38,440
They've got some goats' cheese out there.

293
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,559
They've left it out for a couple of hours
so it's had a chance to breathe.

294
00:21:42,079 --> 00:21:44,849
She remembered, great!

295
00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:51,640
Why don't we take these to your room?

296
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:56,650
My room? It's over there by the lifts.

297
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,500
That's right, you link my arm.
We'll try and leave with some dignity.

298
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,759
Night-night, Mr Partridge, and your good lady.

299
00:22:09,799 --> 00:22:12,329
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

300
00:22:12,839 --> 00:22:14,490
Goodnight.

301
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,690
- Got your big plate, Alan?
- Yes.

302
00:22:31,319 --> 00:22:36,309
I wouldn't go in there for a bit.
Leave it about fifteen...

303
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,109
leave it about fifteen minutes.

304
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,670
I must say, I'm tremendously excited by all this.

305
00:22:45,279 --> 00:22:49,559
- My sister's got this bed linen.
- Does she live in a Travel Tavern?

306
00:22:50,319 --> 00:22:54,710
- She'd like to. It's nice, isn't it?
- No, it's a bloody nightmare.

307
00:22:55,480 --> 00:23:00,049
- Is that for me, Alan?
- That? God, no, I always put my money there.

308
00:23:00,839 --> 00:23:06,140
- If it was you could add a zero to that, £7.06.
- Seventy quid?

309
00:23:07,039 --> 00:23:08,900
- Double it.
- It's still cheap.

310
00:23:09,319 --> 00:23:13,430
I'm not haggling.
I was tying to pay you a compliment,

311
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,410
unless I've grossly misread the situation.

312
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,759
It was my understanding in the lift
that no money would change hands.

313
00:23:20,319 --> 00:23:24,849
- I am all yours!
- Do you mind if I turn the light out?

314
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,799
- Can't you just dim it a bit?
- Yeah, OK.

315
00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:34,299
Bit more...a bit more...

316
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,990
- How's that?
- Yeah, that'll do.

317
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,140
(Alan) Let battle commence.

318
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:50,450
(Alan) Do you like me doing that?

319
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:55,089
Shall I do it more quickly,
or shall I maintain the same speed?

320
00:23:55,799 --> 00:23:57,970
(Jill) That's fine.

321
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,319
(Alan) Shall I move on to the other one?

322
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,890
That's lovely. That's first-class.

323
00:24:12,519 --> 00:24:16,140
That is superb.
Oh, there you go, it's all happening.

324
00:24:20,079 --> 00:24:23,839
- Jill, I'm afraid I have no sheaths.
- No what?

325
00:24:24,519 --> 00:24:27,710
Sheaths, prophylactics,
you know, rubber johnnies.

326
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,799
Actually, being your age and everything,
there's probably no need for them.

327
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,160
I'm talking about the meno...menopau...
Ooh, Jill, you know your onions!

328
00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:43,390
Do you mind if I talk?

329
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,609
Because it helps me
keep the wolf from the door, so to speak.

330
00:24:53,519 --> 00:24:57,519
Jill, what do you think about
the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

331
00:25:00,039 --> 00:25:02,460
I'll be honest, I'm dead against it.

332
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,490
I mean, people forget that traders
need access to DIX-ONS!

333
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:17,559
They do say it'll help
people in wheeeel chaaairs!

334
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:22,059
(Jill) Hang on, I've got an idea. Oooh!

335
00:25:22,759 --> 00:25:26,799
Jill, what are you doing?
For God's sake, what are you doing?

336
00:25:27,519 --> 00:25:29,589
For God's sake!

337
00:25:30,039 --> 00:25:32,710
l just thought I'd pour
chocolate mousse over you.

338
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,539
You've got it on the bed sheets,
you've got it on my dressing gown.

339
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,119
- You've got it on the valance.
- On the what?

340
00:25:39,559 --> 00:25:42,049
The skirt thing round the side of the bed.

341
00:25:42,559 --> 00:25:44,839
I thought it'd be erotic.

342
00:25:45,319 --> 00:25:49,250
Mousse from a bowl is very nice,
but to put it on a person is demented!

343
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,420
Come on, it's only a bit of chocolate!

344
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,900
It may be chocolate to you, Jill,
but to an unwitting member of staff

345
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,119
this could look like some sort of dirty protest
against the standard of service in the hotel,

346
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:06,099
which I happen to think is very good. I mean,
it's not five-star, but it's certainly competitive.

347
00:26:06,839 --> 00:26:08,099
(Knock)

348
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,930
Oh, God!

349
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,859
Is everything all right?
l heard a bit of commotion?

350
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:22,180
- No, it's fine.
- Do you know you've chocolate on your face?

351
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,390
Yeah, I've just been eating some mousse.

352
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,769
Right, fine.

353
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,670
You've missed a bit.

354
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,779
I'll deal with it later.

355
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:44,210
It reminds me when we camouflaged ourselves
because we were doing jungle exercises...

356
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,519
Can we talk about this in the morning?

357
00:26:48,039 --> 00:26:52,009
I won't be on in the morning, because I'm doing
lates now, so I don't come on till two o'clock.

358
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,180
Well, you know, "When de boot cooms in".

359
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,279
Now booger off!

360
00:26:58,799 --> 00:27:02,799
- Message understood, Sir!
- At ease, you're not in the army any more!

361
00:27:08,599 --> 00:27:10,670
This is Radio Norwich,

362
00:27:11,559 --> 00:27:14,539
And now it's time for Alan's Love Bud.

363
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:19,130
(ALAN) This is the story of a woman, 50,

364
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,309
and a chap in his early forties,

365
00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:27,029
This woman enraptured this man,
made him feel sixteen again.

366
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:32,029
He thought, "I'm going to wear a T-shirt
with 'Crowded House' written on the front".

367
00:27:32,799 --> 00:27:36,170
He thought, ''Yes, I will buy
that copy of 'Punch' magazine''.

368
00:27:36,799 --> 00:27:41,299
But then she committed
a gross act upon his person,

369
00:27:42,079 --> 00:27:44,569
which was tantamount to vandalism,

370
00:27:45,079 --> 00:27:48,380
And he realised
that not only must they part company,

371
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:53,920
but he must also sack her from her job as his
receptionist. I didn't mention that earlier,

372
00:27:54,759 --> 00:27:58,519
but part of the problem was that she did work
for him, and he had to sack her anyway.

373
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,460
Anyway, he thanks her
for that stolen afternoon

374
00:28:03,079 --> 00:28:05,400
but even then it was stolen,

375
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,410
It's not your property, love,
you've got to give it back.

376
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:13,700
So, just to re-emphasise one more time,
her contract has been terminated.

377
00:28:14,519 --> 00:28:18,420
This is Hot Chocolate, "It Started with a Kiss".

378
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:20,589
# It started with a kiss #

379
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,150
In three minutes' time
I'll be talking to Norfolk's youngest butcher.

380
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:30,940
# It started with a kiss

381
00:28:31,559 --> 00:28:35,559
# Never thought it would come to this

382
00:28:36,279 --> 00:28:39,299
# It started with a kiss

383
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:43,950
# Never thought it would come to this

384
00:28:46,319 --> 00:28:48,670
# Do you?

385
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,250
# You don't remember me, do you?

386
00:28:52,839 --> 00:28:55,509
# You don't remember me, do you? #