1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:04,240 ..then we bring the cows in, get them milked by 6 am, so.. 2 00:00:04,879 --> 00:00:07,860 You're listening to "This Morning's Farmer". 3 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,779 Go on. You were talking about cow-bringing-in. 4 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,629 Yeah, we bring them in from milking, and then all that can go... 5 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,000 - Pop the straitjackets on them? - What? 6 00:00:21,559 --> 00:00:24,539 Thanks vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer", Robert Moon. 7 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,170 - Did you have your breakfast this morning? - Well, I reckon the way things are going.. 8 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,530 Can you just answer "Yes" for the purposes of a joke? 9 00:00:32,079 --> 00:00:35,270 - Yes, - In which case you might be a full Moon. 10 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,049 - Hello? - I'm still here, 11 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,179 - Yeah, I was making a pun on your name. - Oh, right, 12 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:49,210 Thank you vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer". 13 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,090 (MUSIC - "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM") 14 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,030 (Cow Mooing) 15 00:00:54,399 --> 00:00:57,520 Sorry about that. Robert a bit slow on the uptake there. 16 00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:02,439 I don't know what he had for breakfast presumably an infected spinal column in a bap. 17 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:08,189 Just making a joke about how infected cattle feed can attack the central nervous system. 18 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,780 It's just coming up to 5.35 a.m. 19 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:16,079 Kommen sie bitte, und listen to Kraftwerk. 20 00:01:23,359 --> 00:01:26,060 Put that in the bin. 21 00:01:26,599 --> 00:01:28,459 Let's get back to "Cock-a-doodle Who". 22 00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:30,629 - (Crowing) - (MAN) Who! 23 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,689 And I asked, "Who invented the skip?" Jack on line two. 24 00:01:35,359 --> 00:01:37,780 - Morning, Alan, - Good morning. 25 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,109 Just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive, 26 00:01:42,799 --> 00:01:46,060 - Who invented the skip? - I don't care, I think it's way out of order.. 27 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,540 - Who invented the skip? - You talk like a man who has no knowledge.. 28 00:01:51,239 --> 00:01:55,170 - Who invented the skip? - Bobby Moore, I don't bloody know, do l? 29 00:01:55,879 --> 00:02:00,340 I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. Are you going to apologise to them? 30 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,299 You must know some of the rubbish you produce. Tongue, for example. Who eats tongue? 31 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,710 Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame-seed cob! 32 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:13,740 You made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures we're under, 33 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,539 I wouldn't eat a tomato if it said, "Eat me" which is not unlikely given the rubbish in them. 34 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,979 You ignorant shit! 35 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,800 (COCKEREL CROWING) 36 00:02:24,159 --> 00:02:27,990 - Caroline, line four. Hello. - Have you got a brain, or are you full of shit? 37 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,710 (COW MOOING) 38 00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:34,210 - Mike from Polgrave, are you there, sir? - You ignorant c.. 39 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,129 (FANFARE) 40 00:02:38,879 --> 00:02:43,590 # Take a pinch of white man Wrap him up in black skin... # 41 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,050 What's the next bit? 42 00:02:46,439 --> 00:02:49,460 (GEORDIE ACCENT) "Add a dash of blue blood." (ALAN SINGS IT) 43 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:54,110 - "And a bitty bit of Red Indian boy." - # And something else in Geordie # 44 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,759 This hasn't been cleaned out for years. There's a little Japanese soldier here still fighting the war. 45 00:03:00,599 --> 00:03:03,159 Ha-ha. You daft racist! 46 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,770 # Curly, black and kinky 47 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,900 # Mixed with yellow chinky # Can you still say that? 48 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,930 You're all right with that, because it's a race of people, and it's a food. 49 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,189 Chinese.. Yeah, you're absolutely right. 50 00:03:19,719 --> 00:03:21,819 (PHONE) 51 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,439 Partridge. Yes, I'll hold. 52 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:30,430 I'm possibly up for presenting a "Hamilton's Water Break" video. On the Norfolk Broads. 53 00:03:31,199 --> 00:03:35,240 I'll tell you how I found out about this job. Bill Oddie... Hello. 54 00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:38,740 Yes. No, the last corporate job I did 55 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,650 was for a company that makes toner for photocopiers. 56 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,610 I was dressed as an exclamation mark. 57 00:03:48,199 --> 00:03:51,039 I walked out after five minutes. It was demeaning. 58 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:55,389 I had to flag a cab dressed up. Which helped, actually. 59 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,780 I'd be delighted to do the job. 60 00:03:59,319 --> 00:04:03,639 You can't book me and ask me to pull out when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again. 61 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,020 You've got a choice. You can either book me now, or wait for Cliff Thorburn. 62 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,719 But if he goes AWOL, you're up slack alley. Now, who's it to be, me or Cliff Thorburn? 63 00:04:13,439 --> 00:04:16,920 Thank you vey much indeed. Kiss my face! 64 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,470 I am going to present a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks. 65 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,509 Champion! 66 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:26,970 Ooh, wai-yai. That sounds Geordie, doesn't it? Wai-yai. 67 00:04:27,639 --> 00:04:32,449 - Have you ever been to the Far East, Michael? - Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok. 68 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,100 - Bangkok? - Aye. 69 00:04:35,519 --> 00:04:39,980 - So what did you see in Bangkok? - I saw the Golden Temple. Beautiful it was. 70 00:04:40,759 --> 00:04:44,269 - What else? - There's a river market. 71 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:50,050 - All the boats have got fish produce on them... - Michael, come on. Tell me about lady-boys. 72 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:55,519 You mean them transexuals? I've seen them but they're disgusting. I kept away from them. 73 00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:58,040 Oh, God, yeah. 74 00:04:58,439 --> 00:05:00,370 Fascinating creatures, though. 75 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,129 Looks like a lady, but really it's a man. 76 00:05:04,759 --> 00:05:07,360 I don't find them attractive. It's just confusing. 77 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,870 I don't suppose you've got any army stories about them? 78 00:05:12,439 --> 00:05:14,860 Aye, I did hear about this corporal, right. 79 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,689 He's in the third battalion, this lad but he's right mean, OK? 80 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,850 He's in Bangkok, and the prostitutes are saying how much, and he's going, "I'm not paying that". 81 00:05:24,639 --> 00:05:28,569 And this beautiful lassie comes up, and she's half the price of the others, 82 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:33,209 And he puts his hand up her skirt and gets a hold of the old meat and two veg. 83 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:38,730 He thinks, "I've paid me money, I'm going to have summat". So he flips him over, and he f...f... 84 00:05:42,079 --> 00:05:47,100 And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time, and they just drive away. 85 00:05:55,399 --> 00:05:58,769 Strangest story I've ever heard. Oh, hello, Lynn. 86 00:05:59,399 --> 00:06:01,720 Oh, I see what you... Right, yes. 87 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:07,220 Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with a land Rover. 88 00:06:08,079 --> 00:06:12,889 - Lonely nights in the desert. - That's all fixed now. I'll be on me way. 89 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,829 Just to check, that wasn't the real ending to the story, was it? 90 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,949 - No, no. - Just because Lynn's... 91 00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:24,389 Just a few things, Alan. We've had a call from Norwich Radio. 92 00:06:24,959 --> 00:06:27,209 There have been more complaints from farmers. 93 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,779 - How many? - Fifty. 94 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,720 Oh, your age. Well, Hamilton's have... 95 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,569 Alan, you've come free at the side. 96 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,319 Oh! Sorry! 97 00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:44,250 That was a genuine mistake. 98 00:06:44,759 --> 00:06:47,250 Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job. 99 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:50,569 Yes, I've been speaking to them. They're coming over this afternoon. 100 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,540 Did they say you have to have your wife on the shoot? 101 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:58,569 Lynn, did you tell them my wife left me and is living with a narcissistic sports pimp? 102 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,519 You've... You've popped out again! 103 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,259 I'm sorry. That wasn't deliberate, l promise you. It's not a cry for help. 104 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,680 I've had these shorts since 1982. 105 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,889 They did have an underpant lining, but it's perished. 106 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,680 They've taken a bit of a pounding over the years. In fact, can you get me some new ones, please? 107 00:07:25,439 --> 00:07:28,350 I'm going to ring Carol and ask if she'll do the corporate video. 108 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,480 Lynn, Lynn, you speak to her. 109 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,579 Hello. 110 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:41,250 - Yes, he is. It's a man. - That's her boyfriend. 111 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,420 Hello. Yeah, it's Alan. Your lover's husband. 112 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,660 Yeah. The immersion heater? 113 00:07:48,199 --> 00:07:51,180 It's underneath the stairs. 114 00:07:51,759 --> 00:07:55,089 You only really need to press that if you're having a deep bath. 115 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,339 Put it on an hour before, Bob's your uncle, you've got a deep bath. 116 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,170 Yeah, if you would, please, yes. 117 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:05,060 He's gone to get Carol. You speak to her! 118 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,120 Hello, Carol, how are you? 119 00:08:08,639 --> 00:08:12,360 Carol, would you like to be in Alan's corporate video? 120 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,370 Right. She says no, and she wants to speak to you. 121 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,389 - Tell her I'm not here. - He's not here. 122 00:08:19,879 --> 00:08:23,500 - She says she can hear your voice. - Call her a fat cow, then hang up. 123 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,329 Fat cow! 124 00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:32,399 Well done, Lynn. Now, before we get up, I'm just going to warn you, 125 00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:36,129 I have popped out again. 126 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,220 It's in no way connected with our proximity. 127 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,419 So just don't turn round. 128 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:53,190 The boys are back in the barracks. 129 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,200 # Take a pinch of white man # 130 00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:05,080 # What we need is a great big melting pot 131 00:09:05,799 --> 00:09:09,700 # Big enough to take the world and all it's got 132 00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:13,909 - # Keep it turning... # - I could pretend to be your wife. 133 00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:27,740 (LIFT BELL) 134 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,549 - Morning. - Hello, Alan. 135 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,029 Lynn's a good worker, but I suppose she's a bit like Burt Reynolds. 136 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,250 Vey reliable, but she's got a moustache. 137 00:09:45,879 --> 00:09:47,600 A bit like lady-boys. 138 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,909 Look like a woman, but really it's a man. 139 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,919 I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing. 140 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:58,470 - Morning, Sophie. You're not a man, are you? - No. 141 00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:01,429 Would you settle this month's bill, please? 142 00:10:01,919 --> 00:10:06,419 "£8 miscellaneous services." That sounds disconcertingly vague. 143 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,320 You used this pay channel. 144 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,330 Oh, right... 145 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:18,629 Oh, yeah. It's vey confusing. Sophie, I find the pay channel vey confusing. 146 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:23,169 Can I just explain? I was tying to access "Driving Miss Daisy". 147 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,929 - That's why you watched it for fifteen minutes? - Yes, because it was the wrong film. 148 00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:35,330 - Have you seen it, is it good? - "Driving Miss Daisy" or "Bangkok Chick-Boys"? 149 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,279 "Driving Miss Daisy"! 150 00:10:39,879 --> 00:10:43,000 - Is it a good film? - I don't know. I haven't seen it. 151 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,929 - Was "Bangkok Chick-Boys" good? - I don't know. I didn't see it. 152 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,730 I couldn't see it because I was in the bathroom. 153 00:10:55,000 --> 00:11:00,059 Ben, Mr Partridge was saying that he couldn't see "Bangkok Chick-Boys" from his bathroom. 154 00:11:00,919 --> 00:11:04,919 You can if you angle the mirror by the door. Do you want me to show you? 155 00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:09,779 No. I only watched it for five minutes. The remote control was confusing. 156 00:11:10,519 --> 00:11:13,330 What you'll have done is, when it said on your screen, 157 00:11:13,879 --> 00:11:16,019 "Do you want to watch 'Bangkok Chick-Boys?"' 158 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,179 you must have pressed the button that says "Yes". 159 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,070 Well, as I say, it's vey confusing. 160 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:25,649 Do you want me to show you how to press the button that says "No"? 161 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,940 Yes. I mean, yes, I want you to show me the button that says "No". 162 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,220 - And I'll show you that mirror thing. - No. 163 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,809 Do you want me to settle this bill? 164 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,789 No. I mean yes. You're right, it is confusing, isn't it? 165 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,690 Yes. 166 00:11:43,879 --> 00:11:46,159 Hello, Mr Partridge. Drink? 167 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,850 - No. Have you any tonic water? - Aye. 168 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,740 With some ice 169 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,080 and a segment of lemon, 170 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:00,299 and could you top it up with some Gordon's Gin? 171 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,529 - Gin and tonic? - Yeah, that's right, fine. 172 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,190 Hello. The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way. 173 00:12:08,799 --> 00:12:12,279 Excellent. I've done my homework. Would you like a drink? 174 00:12:12,919 --> 00:12:15,169 Thank you. I'll have a Baileys. 175 00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:17,639 One small Baileys, please. 176 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,639 Lynn, I was thinking about getting a substitute wife. 177 00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:24,419 I would really love you to go to Sol Dangerfield's Casting Agency, 178 00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:29,460 and tell them to get me a 4O-year-old scorcher. And DO use that word. 179 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,100 - Are you Alan Partridge? Yes. 180 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,330 I'm Steve Bennett. I'm the director of the "Hamilton's Water Break" video. 181 00:12:35,879 --> 00:12:37,840 - We spoke on the phone. - This is Hugh Morris, 182 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:41,539 the marketing director for Hamilton's. He's going to be keeping an eye on us. 183 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:45,039 Make sure I don't sink the boat and drown everyone like a big twit. 184 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,490 I'll be down the pub, probably. 185 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,740 What? 186 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,870 I'll be down the pub, getting the beers in. 187 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:57,840 - Why are you speaking like that? - It's a voice box. 188 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,690 That sounds great fun. Where do you get those, a toy shop? 189 00:13:01,159 --> 00:13:05,129 - No, I haven't got any vocal chords. - You sound like the girl in "The Exorcist". 190 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,620 I've got to say it, I love the script. It's superb. 191 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:15,009 There's a lovely phrase where it says, "Boating appeals to both friends and family alike". 192 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,340 - Lovely phrase, very simple, very moving. - Alan, it's a boat video. 193 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,210 We're not making a James Bond movie. 194 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,450 Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film. 195 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,210 "Dr No Vocal Chords." 196 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:37,019 No, Alan, we want to keep it simple, and that's why we hired you. 197 00:13:37,759 --> 00:13:41,200 You're a local fellow. That means good communications with tradesmen, 198 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,440 with landlords, with farmers. 199 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:48,370 And at the end of the day, the pubs are open, and we'll be in there getting pissed! 200 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,190 Sounds good to me. Michael, do you want to pop that in the bin? 201 00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:56,059 It's just some notes I made last night, for a laugh. 202 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:01,950 I was drunk, you know. I woke up this morning asleep on the sink, just like this. 203 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,259 I'd been asleep for eight hours like that. 204 00:14:05,759 --> 00:14:10,539 Got up, walked downstairs, had breakfast. Didn't even wash my hands, 'cause I'm a bloody bloke! 205 00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:15,379 Anyway, there's the bar. Gentlemen, choose your weapons. 206 00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:18,059 - What? - I'm offering you a drink. 207 00:14:18,519 --> 00:14:21,820 - Now you're talking my language. - I hope not. 208 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,049 A pint of lager. 209 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,330 - Three lagers. - Three pints of lager, righty-ho. 210 00:14:26,759 --> 00:14:31,500 - You're having a lager and these drinks here? - Yes, these are...the chasers. 211 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,549 Have you never had a lager and gin and tonic and Baileys Irish Cream chaser? 212 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,809 - No. - You big girls bras! 213 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,940 - Has that got a name, that drink? - Yeah, they're called "Lady-Boys". 214 00:14:49,039 --> 00:14:52,269 Because gin and tonic and Baileys are like a lady's drink, lager's a boys' drink? 215 00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:54,980 That's why I said that. 216 00:14:55,919 --> 00:14:57,250 Cheers! 217 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,230 (HOARSELY) Oh, lady-boys! 218 00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,889 - Do you want one? - Yeah. 219 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,769 - Great. Three...no, four lady-boys. - Four lady-boys, righty-ho. 220 00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:20,450 - How much is that? - That'll be £33. 221 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,879 Here's to a good corporate video and lots of being men. 222 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,419 Indeed. 223 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,009 (BUZZING GARGLE) 224 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,730 - Alan. - Oh! I'm confused. 225 00:15:39,159 --> 00:15:41,970 - What time is it? - Six o'clock. 226 00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:45,500 - How long have we been drinking? - Three-quarters of an hour. 227 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,720 I think I'll go to my room and lean on the sink. 228 00:15:53,559 --> 00:15:56,399 I have a little bit of sick. 229 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,820 - Mr Partridge, that's the kitchens! - I'm going to cook all the food. 230 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,840 - Alan, this is a hotel. - Yeah, a three-star. 231 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,679 Hello, Carol? 232 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,649 It's Alan. How are you? 233 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,919 Me? I'm having a fantastic time. Yeah. 234 00:16:23,159 --> 00:16:27,129 I'm having the best time since sliced bread. 235 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,870 How's Mr Planet-of-the-Apes man? 236 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,129 Is he still driving that Renault Megane? 237 00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:42,220 Can I just read you something from "Top Gear" magazine? 238 00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,769 It's all right, I've got it here. 239 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,639 "With a mere ninety-break horsepower available, 240 00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:52,539 "progress is too leisurely to be called fast. 241 00:16:53,159 --> 00:16:57,580 "But on a motorway, in fifth gear, the Megane's slow pace really becomes a pain. 242 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,200 "Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, 243 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:06,609 "while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair." 244 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,339 Not my words, Carol, the words of "Top Gear" magazine. 245 00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:13,789 Hello? 246 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,359 (KNOCK) 247 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,750 Come in. 248 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,150 Hiya. I've come to show you how to use your telly. 249 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,599 Oh, yes. Very confusing. 250 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:29,410 Yeah. So that's Sky Movies...Sports...CNN... 251 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,440 - Adult Channel, that's your dirty movies. - Not really my cup of tea. 252 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:39,029 I can disconnect it, put a scramble on it, just knock it out of the system. 253 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,630 That'll probably be a lot of trouble, won't it? 254 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,829 Not really, it's just a switch. 255 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:50,539 - Um... - It's up to you. You're the boss. 256 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:54,609 - What you get up to in here, it's your business. - I don't get up to anything! 257 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,559 - Do you want me to disconnect it? - Yes. 258 00:17:58,039 --> 00:18:01,759 - There, that's disconnected. - Good. 259 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,809 - All right, lads? - All right, Alan. 260 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,190 I got really drunk last night. I was sick everywhere. 261 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,289 - Were you sick? - Not really, no. 262 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:26,309 Phwoar! Look at the legs on that. 263 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,460 Alright? 264 00:18:28,839 --> 00:18:31,890 She was certainly first in the queue 265 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,180 when God was handing out chests... 266 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,789 ..mammary glands. 267 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,859 Ooh, I'd love to have it off with her. 268 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,930 Oooh, sex! 269 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:57,579 For a British holiday with a difference on a boat, always choose Hamilton's Water Breaks, 270 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:03,279 With the melting of the ice caps, East Anglia will be under water in the next thirty years, 271 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:07,769 So make the most of her stunning fens before the floods come, 272 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,630 causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to, 273 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,569 This is my wife and I going off to the local marketplace, 274 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:20,839 where we can buy anything from plimsolls to posters of famous Hollywood stars, 275 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,940 This chemical toilet is a Saniflo 33. 276 00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:30,029 Now, this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything! 277 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,940 Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake, 278 00:19:34,559 --> 00:19:36,519 let's take a look. 279 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,670 Not a trace. Peace of mind, I'm sure especially if you have elderly relatives on board. 280 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,480 - Try pedestrianising this! - Can you hold that pose, Alan? 281 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:52,470 Partridge, you wanker! 282 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,710 (YELLED INSULTS) 283 00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,150 Aah! 284 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,690 We'll dub that out, play some music over it. 285 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:09,240 - How's your friends? - Fine. 286 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,309 It might look a bit pokey from the outside, but a Hamilton's boat is deceptively large, 287 00:20:15,079 --> 00:20:18,059 My wife and I found it offers the kind of luxury and comfort 288 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,519 you'd normally associate with a good-quality static caravan. 289 00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:25,660 - Are you not having any bacon? - No, I'm vegetarian. 290 00:20:26,319 --> 00:20:29,619 Yes, I know. It's just a joke. 291 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:35,019 This is Alice, who's not going to shrink me. She's going to talk about Hamilton's Holiday Breaks. 292 00:20:35,839 --> 00:20:38,089 - You regularly book, don't you? - Yes. 293 00:20:38,559 --> 00:20:41,440 - And do you do that with your boyfriend? - No, I do it alone. 294 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,069 - Right, you book alone? - Yep. 295 00:20:45,559 --> 00:20:48,160 - How old are you? - Twenty-five. 296 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:53,250 - What do you do on a boat alone? - Read a book, relax, look at the scenery. 297 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:58,000 No, she sounds weird. You can't use that. 298 00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:01,930 Sorry. Thank you, love. A bit odd! 299 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,490 Up with the Partridge, 300 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,170 You're joining me, Alan Partridge, 301 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,220 and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmers' Union. 302 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:18,410 Now, yesterday, I trod in a rather large farmer's pat 303 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,980 when I made some comments about intensive farming. Where did I go wrong? 304 00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:27,750 Your comments were ill-founded. They were deeply ignorant, 305 00:21:28,319 --> 00:21:32,390 showed a lack of understanding of agricultural methods, and served to highlight the stupidity 306 00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:37,049 that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouth. 307 00:21:37,759 --> 00:21:42,329 But with the apology you're about to give, I'm sure you can dig yourself out of this ugly hole. 308 00:21:44,519 --> 00:21:45,960 Yeah... 309 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:51,609 Um...sorry. Have you got any requests, anyone you want to say hello to, or...? 310 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,410 I'm just saying that when you make ignorant comments, 311 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,910 you serve simply to alarm the public and to inflame the farmers. 312 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,289 - Why don't you just apologise and... - Moo! 313 00:22:02,839 --> 00:22:05,329 I thought that'd throw you. 314 00:22:05,839 --> 00:22:09,170 You could talk the hind legs off a donkey. 315 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,380 But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs 316 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,049 because of all the chemicals you put in their chips. 317 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,940 I don't have donkeys, and if I did I wouldn't feed them chips. 318 00:22:21,559 --> 00:22:25,279 This is the same rubbish as the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap. 319 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,210 I admit that was a mistake. I shouldn't have said "bap". 320 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,869 - Good. Well, that's a start. - I should have said "baguette", 321 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,269 because a spinal column would fit in a baguette. 322 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,940 You've upset half the local farmers, you seem to alienate everybody, 323 00:22:40,519 --> 00:22:44,279 including your wife, which is why you end up living like some tramp in a lay-by. 324 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,819 It's a Travel Tavern. 325 00:22:47,279 --> 00:22:49,980 I don't care what you call your sordid little grief hole. 326 00:22:50,519 --> 00:22:53,930 - An awful lot of my colleagues... - Are farmyard animals. 327 00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:58,950 - You're talking about my friends here... - I've got more friends than you've got cows. 328 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,630 - This is ridiculous! - How many cows have you got? 329 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,359 - I've got a hundred cows. - I've got a hundred and four friends. 330 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,210 I don't see what this is going to gain you. 331 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:14,000 Why don't you issue a full retraction, and you'll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother? 332 00:23:14,759 --> 00:23:17,180 You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth. 333 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,009 - I don't think it's anything to do with class. - And the plums have mutated and have beaks. 334 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:26,309 Beaks? Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums? 335 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:28,940 You make pigs smoke. 336 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:32,910 l want to know where you think you earn the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous... 337 00:23:33,559 --> 00:23:37,000 Swans! You feed beefburgers to swans. 338 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:41,849 Do I? Perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding burgers to swans. 339 00:23:42,599 --> 00:23:44,319 What? 340 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,630 If you fill a swan with beefburgers, it's full of fat, it'll float better. 341 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,200 - That's why we do it. - Really? 342 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:55,660 No, you complete cretin, I'm just contributing to this farce. What else are you going to accuse me of? 343 00:23:56,519 --> 00:24:00,980 I'll tell you what - you farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? 344 00:24:01,759 --> 00:24:04,220 like to stick to your own? 345 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,180 What do you mean by that? 346 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:12,000 - I've seen the big-eared boys on farms. - For goodness sake, this is all just... 347 00:24:12,759 --> 00:24:15,390 If you see a field with a pond, with a family having a picnic, 348 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,430 you fill in the pond with concrete, plough the family into the field, 349 00:24:20,079 --> 00:24:24,960 blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife, who's also your brother! 350 00:24:31,319 --> 00:24:33,670 Have I got anything else to say here, or shall I go? 351 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,759 You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in, 352 00:24:37,279 --> 00:24:40,759 and inside these sheds are twenty-foot-high chickens 353 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,950 because of all the chemicals you've put in them, and these chickens are scared. 354 00:24:45,599 --> 00:24:49,430 They don't know why they're so big. They go, "Why am I so massive?" 355 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:53,000 And they're looking down on all the other little chickens 356 00:24:53,559 --> 00:24:56,890 and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. 357 00:24:57,519 --> 00:24:59,910 Do you deny that? 358 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:04,230 No. His silence, I think, speaks volumes. 359 00:25:06,279 --> 00:25:08,839 And, basically, do you agree 360 00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:13,049 that everything I've said thus far is completely correct? 361 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,329 Yes. 362 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,230 (DEEP VOlCE) Yes. 363 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:20,299 And you also run over badgers in your tractor for fun. 364 00:25:20,839 --> 00:25:22,519 (DEEP VOlCE) Yes. 365 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,589 Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas. 366 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,009 This is T'Pau. 367 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,490 - How did it go? - You know, up and down. 368 00:25:34,079 --> 00:25:38,049 More bad news, I'm afraid. The actress playing your wife can't do the filming today. 369 00:25:38,759 --> 00:25:42,759 - Oh, for good... Why not? - She's playing a shoplifter in "The Bill". 370 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,670 Oh, quite good. We'll just have to think of something. 371 00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:49,140 (WOMAN) Scene thirteen, take two, 372 00:25:49,559 --> 00:25:53,279 One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism 373 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:58,980 is that more and more people are holidaying in England. I'll drink to that. Cheers! 374 00:25:59,839 --> 00:26:02,789 - How was that, OK? - It's not working. You can tell. 375 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,180 Really? 376 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,410 Scene 13, take 3, 377 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,720 One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is... 378 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,569 All right, my love? 379 00:26:19,839 --> 00:26:22,160 -..is that... - No, cut it! 380 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:23,869 Action! 381 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,730 Absolutely. The Norfolk Broads offers the true peace and tranquillity of the English countryside. 382 00:26:29,519 --> 00:26:33,029 A million miles from the urban decay of the Manchester Ship Canal 383 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,980 and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden waterways of Amsterdam. 384 00:26:37,599 --> 00:26:41,390 Indeed, disused cotton milk and legalised hard-core pornography 385 00:26:42,079 --> 00:26:46,049 are a million miles from your thoughts as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads. 386 00:26:46,759 --> 00:26:50,200 The vey fact that hard-core pornography is not on the agenda... 387 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:57,150 (STEVE) It's a dead cow. Where the bleeding hell did that come from? 388 00:26:57,799 --> 00:27:00,190 (HUGH) Where did that cow come from? Farmers! 389 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,960 (STEVE) I know it's not funny! 390 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,069 Can you hear me? I'm trapped under a cow. 391 00:27:06,599 --> 00:27:08,849 (STEVE) He's OK. Get the cow off the boat, please. 392 00:27:09,319 --> 00:27:11,849 I'm not OK. 393 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:17,069 - Get that cow off the boat! - It smells. I can feel an udder on my leg! 394 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:20,759 (STEVE) Can you call Cliff Thorburn now, please? 395 00:27:21,319 --> 00:27:23,670 Cliff Thorburn is not primarily a presenter. 396 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:27,569 He is an ex-snooker player and is an unknown quantity. 397 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,660 (HUGH) Yeah, but he's not under a cow! 398 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:35,480 So book a holiday with Hamilton's. "Wat-er-way" to have a good time. 399 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,380 Cheers! 400 00:27:38,839 --> 00:27:41,680 (STEVE) Cut! OK, stick him in the ambulance. 401 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,170 lovely, great... Well done! 402 00:27:44,599 --> 00:27:47,900 (HUGH) Cheers, Alan! Well done! (AlAN) Good luck with the edit. 403 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,089 (SIGHs) 404 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:20,700 Hello, and welcome to "The Learning Zone", Thursday night into Friday morning on BBC2, 405 00:28:32,759 --> 00:28:35,180 Hello, is that reception? 406 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:40,839 Susan, can you make pornography come on my telly, please? 407 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,609 Oh, that's vey nice of you. Thank you. 408 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:51,950 Oh!