1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,750
That was one of the biggest
stadium bands in the world -

2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,669
R-E-O Speedwagon.

3
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,509
The time, for those who like to tell it
in a wacky way, is 50 to six.

4
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:15,400
Or if you like to develop the idea,
70 past four.

5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,190
Or even...

6
00:00:28,239 --> 00:00:29,570
Bear with me.

7
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,969
1,23O to twelve. I'm joking, of course.

8
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,920
The time is ten past five.

9
00:00:38,399 --> 00:00:41,810
Let's say hello to my new
comedy character - Camp David.

10
00:00:42,439 --> 00:00:43,840
Hello, Camp David.

11
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,950
(CAMP VOlCE) Well, hello, Alan,

12
00:00:46,359 --> 00:00:49,380
And what did you have
for breakfast this morning?

13
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,850
Ooh, mince!

14
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,350
Hmm. Oh, yes, indeed.

15
00:00:54,799 --> 00:00:57,189
More from Camp David tomorrow.
The time is...

16
00:00:57,679 --> 00:01:01,789
let's not get bogged down
in the time again. Simply time to say,

17
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,560
ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.
(MusIc.. "TAINTED LOVE")

18
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,290
Yeah. Well, they're scumbags, aren't they?

19
00:01:17,879 --> 00:01:20,019
# Out on a winding windy moor

20
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,290
# We roll and fall in green

21
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,799
# You had a temper

22
00:01:26,239 --> 00:01:29,650
# like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy

23
00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,329
# How could you leave me

24
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,049
# When I needed you?

25
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,719
# Possessed you, I hated you

26
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,920
# I loved you too #

27
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,950
# Bad dreams in the night

28
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,290
# You told me I was going... #

29
00:01:44,719 --> 00:01:45,909
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

30
00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:47,920
That is extraordinary.

31
00:01:48,319 --> 00:01:51,370
To look at you, you'd think
you'd sing like an angel,

32
00:01:51,959 --> 00:01:54,099
but, in fact, you sound like a trapped boy.

33
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,909
What a lovely smile.

34
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:01,299
You could have been throwing up
all night for all I know,

35
00:02:01,879 --> 00:02:04,620
and it wouldn't show.
Is that how you keep your figure?

36
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,650
Tell me anything with that smile
and it would seem like Christmas.

37
00:02:12,319 --> 00:02:14,599
We are having major repairs done to the lobby,

38
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,539
so all this is out of bounds for the weekend.

39
00:02:18,039 --> 00:02:21,620
We decided to go ahead,
seeing as you were the only guest in the hotel.

40
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,370
# Ding dong merrily on high,
in heaven the bells are ringing

41
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,449
- # Ding dong merrily on... #
- Don't sing, Susan!

42
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,330
It sounds bad.

43
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,560
Just stick to your smile. It's a lovely smile.

44
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,840
You could work on the Titanic.

45
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,750
You could say, "I'm terribly sorry.
We've run out of life jackets".

46
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,139
And people wouldn't mind.
They'd say, "Thank you for the information."

47
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,569
"I'll take my chances."

48
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,120
"Can I get a coffee?
Presumably the buffet is a free-for-all?"

49
00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:51,750
"Is it women and children first...?"

50
00:02:52,199 --> 00:02:55,080
Alan, why don't you go and talk
to somebody else?

51
00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:58,240
You see, I don't mind that
because of the smile.

52
00:02:58,759 --> 00:03:00,580
You'd make a vey good Judas.

53
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,650
Betray me and then kiss me.

54
00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:04,300
All right, then.

55
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,939
I mean, I just don't want to kiss,
I want to go the whole way.

56
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,169
If you want me, I'll be round the back.

57
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,229
- No, look, look.
- Four words.

58
00:03:19,719 --> 00:03:21,650
Big bird.

59
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,610
- Hawk. Hawkeye.
- Albatross, bat.

60
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,349
"The Eagle Has Landed."

61
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,169
- Aye, it is.
- Michael, can I have a drink?

62
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,819
Sure. What would you like, Mr Partridge?

63
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,840
- A mineral water, please.
- Still or fizzy?

64
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,319
Half and half.

65
00:03:38,759 --> 00:03:40,439
Less bubbles per cc.

66
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,120
- Hey, I've got another.
- Four words.

67
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:45,319
First word. The.

68
00:03:45,719 --> 00:03:48,349
- Second word.
- Second word is sleep..awake.

69
00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,830
"The Day of the Jackal."
"Day of the Jackal."

70
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,939
Aye, it is.

71
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:55,719
Three words.

72
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,259
Wash?

73
00:03:58,599 --> 00:03:59,900
My?

74
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,590
Car. I'm sorry. I forgot.

75
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,030
I'm on my way now.
I'm going to wash his car.

76
00:04:09,759 --> 00:04:11,580
Everything all right, Mr Partridge?

77
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,530
Yeah, yeah. Um... What's round the back?

78
00:04:15,039 --> 00:04:17,290
A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress.

79
00:04:20,519 --> 00:04:21,959
Shall I book you for Christmas dinner?

80
00:04:22,319 --> 00:04:23,579
It's May.

81
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,870
Sophie, if I'm still here in seven months,

82
00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:29,120
I'll be a rather sorry individual.

83
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:34,319
Why don't I book it now
and you can always cancel later.

84
00:04:34,879 --> 00:04:36,040
Yeah. That's a point.

85
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,379
- Come round the back.
- Round the back?

86
00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:45,490
Yeah. It's quiet.

87
00:04:45,879 --> 00:04:47,980
- Come on. 15 minutes.
- All right.

88
00:04:49,199 --> 00:04:50,949
- Er, Ben?
- Yeah?

89
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,250
- Could I have a sandwich, please?
- Yes.

90
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,540
- Cheese sandwich.
- Right.

91
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:58,730
And cooked meat. And a hot egg.

92
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,189
And a crescent of crisps, please.

93
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,189
- And a side clump of cress.
- Right. And you want that now?

94
00:05:07,759 --> 00:05:09,550
No, any time.

95
00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,540
Any time in the next 15 minutes.

96
00:05:15,759 --> 00:05:18,920
# Oh, it gets dark, it gets lonely... #

97
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:22,069
(PAN PIPES PLAY)

98
00:05:22,399 --> 00:05:26,509
Welcome to tape two
of "Let Go With Alan Partridge",

99
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,540
A sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress,

100
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,279
enhanced by the tropical music,
of the pan pipes

101
00:05:34,879 --> 00:05:37,269
First, fine a quire place to recline - 

102
00:05:37,759 --> 00:05:39,550
a bed or a big chair.

103
00:05:39,959 --> 00:05:42,279
I want you to imagine
you're lying on the beach,

104
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,990
divested of all the trappings
of the 20th century

105
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,550
No mobile phone.
Batteries out of your pager.

106
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,889
No clothes, Completely naked,

107
00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:55,790
or with undergarments
perhaps made from bark,

108
00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:58,100
You're all alone.

109
00:05:58,519 --> 00:06:00,589
the waves gently licking at your feet,

110
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,449
your bark trunks soaking up
the water like a sponge,

111
00:06:05,079 --> 00:06:08,660
Your head loosens from your torso
and bobs into the distance,

112
00:06:09,319 --> 00:06:12,829
Remember the breathing techniques
from Tape One. Please relax,

113
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,230
I can't emphasis that enough

114
00:06:15,639 --> 00:06:17,250
All of us experience stress

115
00:06:17,639 --> 00:06:20,759
whether you're a heart surgeon
making a vital incision,

116
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:25,220
or Dave Bloggs queueing for a ticket
behind a man buying a travel pass.

117
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,009
which involves photograph,
scissors, forms being filled in,

118
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,060
and his Access won't wipe.
You get the picture.

119
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:36,350
But stress like this just won't
go away and it has to be combated.

120
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,149
Sod off!

121
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:47,300
Idea for a programme
entitled "Yachting Mishaps" -

122
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,360
some funny, some tragic.

123
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,189
Presented by that man

124
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,819
who was trapped upside down
in his hull eating chocolate.

125
00:07:20,439 --> 00:07:23,250
Idea for a programme called "Free Spirits".

126
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,490
No, actually. Change that to "Bad Attitude".

127
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,839
Hello.

128
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,110
Oh, hello. I'd like to speak
to Fernando Partridge, please.

129
00:07:45,879 --> 00:07:47,839
It's his father.

130
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,319
Hello.

131
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,889
Who's she? Is she your latest er...?

132
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,910
Oh, right. You both sound exhausted.
Have you been running?

133
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,629
Um, I was just wondering
if you wanted to go for a drink.

134
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,800
Fernando, you're 22 years old

135
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,009
and you're spending Saturday in bed with a girl.

136
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,000
You're wasting your life.

137
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,970
It's a beautiful day.

138
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:22,420
Take her out to a local fort or Victorian folly.

139
00:08:24,439 --> 00:08:27,279
Yes, of course, but your mum and l,
believe me

140
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,420
we did it everywhere.

141
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,029
You know, in the lounge, in the hall...

142
00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:36,899
Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn
for my birthday.

143
00:08:37,519 --> 00:08:40,120
Actually, that is where you were conceived.

144
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,710
We just didn't take precautions.

145
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,789
No, no. We were delighted.

146
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,620
l mean, at first I was mortified..

147
00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:54,500
but then you were born
and we grew to like you.

148
00:08:56,919 --> 00:08:59,799
I remember I left a tartan flask up there.

149
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,750
One of those vey fragile ones
with a screw-on cup/cap.

150
00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:07,690
These days, they're much more resilient.

151
00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:12,159
They took the technology
from NASA basically, which is extraordinary.

152
00:09:12,879 --> 00:09:15,159
Modern flasks today are directly linked

153
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:17,919
with the Apollo 11 space mission.

154
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,710
Hello?

155
00:09:21,799 --> 00:09:23,100
Sod 'em!

156
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,820
Hello. Is that Curry's?

157
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:37,330
I'd like to make an enquiry
about two supplementary auxiliary speakers

158
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,610
to go with my midi hi-fi system

159
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,730
apropos achieving surround sound.

160
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,470
Apropos.

161
00:09:49,639 --> 00:09:51,080
It's latin.

162
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:58,389
You ought to have a basic grasp
of latin if you're working in Curry's.

163
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,590
Oh, you've got them. Excellent.

164
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,279
Um, one last thing.
What time do you knock off?

165
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,940
Fancy going for a drink?

166
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,000
Right. OK. I just thought I'd ask.

167
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,480
Hello?

168
00:10:19,639 --> 00:10:21,960
Just...just going for a walk!

169
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:26,070
To the petrol station.

170
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,110
Get some windscreen washer fluid.

171
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,990
Anyone... Anyone want to join me?

172
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,240
Right.

173
00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:42,350
Breath of fresh air?!

174
00:10:45,399 --> 00:10:48,210
# Goldfinger

175
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,899
# He's the man

176
00:10:53,279 --> 00:10:55,309
# The man with the Midas touch

177
00:10:56,279 --> 00:10:58,450
# The spider's touch

178
00:11:00,639 --> 00:11:03,169
# Such a cold finger... #

179
00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:05,470
Hands up! Give me all your petrol!

180
00:11:05,879 --> 00:11:07,769
- Pardon?
- No, just a joke.

181
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,990
Have you got windscreen washer fluid?

182
00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:12,470
- Yeah.
- I'll have 12 bottles, please.

183
00:11:12,919 --> 00:11:14,080
OK.

184
00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:17,139
Nice array of pasties you've got today.

185
00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:18,840
Thank you.

186
00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:21,440
I don't want one. I was just making small talk.

187
00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:25,250
- That's £31.20, please.
- Fancy a pint later on?

188
00:11:25,879 --> 00:11:28,200
- No, thanks.
- No. Neither do l. Thank you.

189
00:11:32,919 --> 00:11:36,289
# Such a cold finger

190
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,340
# Pretty girl, beware of his web of sin

191
00:11:42,039 --> 00:11:43,759
# But don't go in

192
00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:48,600
# And a golden girl

193
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,009
# Knows when he's kissed her

194
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,139
# It's the kiss of death

195
00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,940
# From Mr Goldfinger

196
00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:00,169
# Da da dah! #

197
00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:03,970
Ah, hello, Susan. There's a slight problem.

198
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,419
I was a bit bored

199
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,509
so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press.

200
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,779
I, er...

201
00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:17,120
I can't put it back together again.

202
00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:19,659
Will that show up on my bill?

203
00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:22,370
Right. Thanks.

204
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,019
Hello, Lynn. Message from Alan.

205
00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,049
Idea for a television programme

206
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:00,769
based on Michael Palin's "Pole to Pole".

207
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,700
Except I circumnavigate the globe

208
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,460
only driving through countries
where they drive on the left,

209
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,200
and I do it in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris.

210
00:13:11,799 --> 00:13:14,820
We could call it
"Around the World with Alan Partridge

211
00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:16,980
"in a Bull-Nose on the left".

212
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,039
I'm sorry, Lynn.

213
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:24,610
I think that is possibly
the worst idea I have ever had.

214
00:13:27,799 --> 00:13:29,590
I'm going nowhere, Lynn.

215
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,299
Quite literally. I'm on the ring road.
The third time round.

216
00:13:33,919 --> 00:13:37,360
I've just been into B&Q
for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws.

217
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,889
I'm never going to use them.

218
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,879
I'm never going to use them.

219
00:13:43,279 --> 00:13:45,840
Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.

220
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,820
(Lynn) Sorry I'm a bit late.

221
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:53,429
I got caught in a taxi
that broke down over there. I had to walk.

222
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,350
Was that a lie?

223
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,259
No... I'm vey hot.

224
00:14:01,159 --> 00:14:04,879
Ah. You know these are inertia reel seat belts?

225
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:07,950
They were developed in the late '60s, early '70s,

226
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,879
basically to enable you
to lean forward for things,

227
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,190
but in a crash it does stop you

228
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,110
because impact, bang, lock!

229
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:22,850
- Aargh! You get bruises, but...
- Right.

230
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,230
I'd love to feel an airbag go off in my face.

231
00:14:26,759 --> 00:14:29,460
It would be beergh! Boosh! Boosh!

232
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,809
And that cushion effect on the face.

233
00:14:35,879 --> 00:14:38,269
I'll be honest, Lynn, I'm at a loose end today.

234
00:14:38,759 --> 00:14:41,669
That's why I'm er... That's why I'm er...

235
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,149
talking...

236
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,960
Talking...

237
00:14:49,679 --> 00:14:51,500
That's why I'm talking.

238
00:14:58,679 --> 00:15:01,590
Could you cool me down
with a hand fan, please, Lynn?

239
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,710
Have you heard about Damon Hill...
Ow! Lynn! Be careful with it.

240
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,429
- I didn't realise.
- You took my lip off!

241
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,889
- Lynn!
- Come and sit down for gin rummy.

242
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,440
Make the numbers up, come on.

243
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,649
I'll er...

244
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,440
Lynn, I'll just go up to my room.
Got a bit of work to do.

245
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,740
I normally have files in here,
but I've got some in the room.

246
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,480
To put in later.

247
00:15:38,799 --> 00:15:41,009
lt's got the straps option.

248
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,559
- Show Lynn.
- Oh, yeah.

249
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,960
(IMPERSONATING ALAN)
Morning, Susan. Ah-a!

250
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,129
-  It is him!
-  It is!

251
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,309
Watch it!

252
00:16:07,159 --> 00:16:09,440
(KNOCKING)
Come in.

253
00:16:12,559 --> 00:16:14,139
Would you like a mint?

254
00:16:14,519 --> 00:16:15,679
No.

255
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,190
Yes.

256
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,470
I don't think you should have one,
considering what's happened.

257
00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:28,840
It's a good job you weren't here
five minutes ago. listen to this.

258
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:30,879
Listen, listen.

259
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,860
Sack Lynn for being unloyal, disloyal,

260
00:16:35,519 --> 00:16:37,659
and for joining in fun

261
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,559
in a way that excludes her employer.

262
00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:47,990
And sack her for being an absolute idiot

263
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,519
and inefficient.

264
00:16:50,919 --> 00:16:52,529
Lynn, call Bill Oddie and..

265
00:16:52,919 --> 00:16:55,340
That's something else. It fell through.

266
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,590
I've calmed down now.

267
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,580
Why don't you come and play?

268
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,730
Play? They were doing impersonations of me.

269
00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:07,069
They were doing everyone, Alan.
Even me. It was quite savage.

270
00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:09,650
Were they savage? Were they going,

271
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:13,980
"Ooh, shall I sit there or there?
Ooh, am I like a little mouse?"

272
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,359
No, actually. It was like this.

273
00:17:16,759 --> 00:17:18,549
"Shall I let you walk all over me?

274
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,349
"Sorry, Mother, can't get you out of the bath,

275
00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:24,049
"I've got to sort out Alan's problems!"

276
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,329
That's vey good.

277
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,079
Thank you.

278
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:34,579
Tell them I'll join in, and to show
that I'm not a stick-in-the-mud

279
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:38,269
I'm just preparing a joke for them,
which should be fun.

280
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,609
- Urrrgh!
- Aagh!

281
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,630
I'm a zombie! I'm dressed as a zombie!

282
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:51,559
It's Alan Partridge.

283
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,799
Could you come out?
Guests are not allowed behind reception.

284
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,910
All right. I know.

285
00:17:58,279 --> 00:18:00,880
It was a joke, right? It's backfired.

286
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,170
- Is that blood?
- It's tomato ketchup. l...

287
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,640
Why have you got a shower curtain on?

288
00:18:08,079 --> 00:18:09,759
I'm a zombie. I don't know.

289
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,690
It's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.

290
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,089
Did you pull that off one of the showers?

291
00:18:15,519 --> 00:18:18,930
l checked to make sure I could
re-attach them. Nothing's damaged.

292
00:18:21,319 --> 00:18:24,160
Why have you got biscuits
sellotaped to your face?

293
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,049
They're complementary.
It's supposed to be flaky skin. I'm a zombie.

294
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,819
What's that hanging between your legs?

295
00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:34,579
lt's a flex off a mini kettle.
It's supposed to be a tail.

296
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,400
Zombies don't have tails.

297
00:18:37,799 --> 00:18:39,619
All right, it's inconsistent!

298
00:18:40,039 --> 00:18:42,670
Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent.

299
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,880
They're a mish-mash of bits.

300
00:18:45,279 --> 00:18:48,299
- That's Frankenstein.
- You've made two glaring errors.

301
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,319
- What's that on your fingers?
- They're tungsten-tipped screws.

302
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,190
Claws.

303
00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:56,240
Right. Error one...

304
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,410
They're good for making a point.
Error one, right..

305
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,869
Frankenstein is the name
of the creator, not the monster.

306
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,049
Error two..

307
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,390
Frankenstein is a zombie, right.
He's a type of zombie.

308
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,839
like saying Tannoy
when you mean public address system.

309
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:13,660
Tannoy is a brand name.

310
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,019
Why are you all staring? I'm not having a go.

311
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,619
I'm having a pop at the undead.

312
00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:24,130
- Do you see any upset zombies?
- Just the one.

313
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,119
This county!

314
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,440
- It's so depressing, isn't it?
- Aye.

315
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,759
Have you ever thought
that suicide might be the answer?

316
00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:42,880
- Well, sometimes, aye.
- Really? When?

317
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,170
- When I've seen you depressed...
- Not me!

318
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,769
You. Have you ever considered suicide?

319
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,700
Oh, no. That's the coward's way out, man.

320
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,410
You must have got up to a few pranks.

321
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,789
Aye. This one time, right,
l was stationed out in Belize

322
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:02,170
and I had this little macaque monkey
as a pet, right.

323
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,599
One day, I came back to my tent
and it had eaten all my fags.

324
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,619
So I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.

325
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,690
You threw a monkey in the sea?

326
00:20:16,039 --> 00:20:19,339
Well, he'd eaten all my fags.
It was a packet of 200 duty-frees.

327
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,490
You threw a monkey in the sea. That's awful.

328
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,210
I was fishing for some sort
of funny story. That's just upsetting.

329
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,779
I wasn't thinking straight, right.

330
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,109
I got a red mist and I grabbed
the monkey and hurled it in the sea.

331
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,750
Stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea.

332
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,220
All I can see is a monkey
spinning towards the water.

333
00:20:39,799 --> 00:20:41,450
Well, it bounced off a rock...

334
00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:43,000
Oh, Michael!

335
00:20:44,319 --> 00:20:46,069
That's such a pointless death.

336
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:50,029
At least when they experiment on them,
they get something out of it.

337
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,400
Nice perfume or something.

338
00:20:52,799 --> 00:20:54,619
I've often wondered, right,

339
00:20:55,039 --> 00:20:57,740
why is it that they put the perfume
in the monkey's eyes?

340
00:20:58,279 --> 00:21:01,400
Why not just put it on its wrists
like ladies in stores?

341
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,819
It's just cruel, isn't it?

342
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,819
Mind you, in the safari park

343
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,779
when they're pulling your wipers
and hub-caps off, you lose sympathy.

344
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,740
Maybe the monkeys are tying
to collect enough parts together

345
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:15,799
to make a complete car.

346
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,789
Then they'll all pile in it and escape!

347
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,170
- It's a frightening thought.
- Aye.

348
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,119
- Is this making you feel better?
- Not really, no.

349
00:21:28,559 --> 00:21:30,589
You've done some crazy things in your life.

350
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:32,509
Aye.

351
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,019
I wish I'd been a bit more spontaneous.

352
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,269
Sometimes I feel like going out,

353
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,000
stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head,

354
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,059
and saying, "I'm a giant witch!"

355
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,859
Just do it. Go and steal a cone, man.

356
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:47,079
- I can't.
- I'll come with you.

357
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,940
We can be like "Thelma and Louise".

358
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,039
We'll steal a traffic cone and go off somewhere.

359
00:21:53,559 --> 00:21:55,099
I don't want to go off anywhere.

360
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,690
I want to steal a cone and wave it around a bit.

361
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,930
Aye. I can hold it up to my mouth
like a Tannoy...

362
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,230
- No. Speaker system.
- sorry.

363
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,900
I could hold it there and shout
"Stop telling me what to do!"

364
00:22:07,519 --> 00:22:09,170
Yeah, yeah.

365
00:22:09,559 --> 00:22:12,680
No, it's a good idea.
I could get Lynn to drive us there.

366
00:22:13,279 --> 00:22:15,910
She's insured. She's a named driver. Let's go!

367
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,440
- Howay the lads! Come on!
- Right.

368
00:22:19,759 --> 00:22:21,269
We're questioning one bloke.

369
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,849
The other bloke seems to have disappeared.

370
00:22:24,319 --> 00:22:26,849
There's a woman in the car. Out.

371
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,920
So let's get this straight.

372
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,190
- Your wife was driving.
- Yes.

373
00:22:34,599 --> 00:22:36,210
- You felt a bit sick.
- Mmm.

374
00:22:36,599 --> 00:22:39,269
So you asked her to pull over,

375
00:22:39,799 --> 00:22:43,170
so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into?

376
00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:44,990
Yes.

377
00:22:45,319 --> 00:22:46,549
Why?

378
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:48,950
I didn't want to be sick on the road.

379
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,150
The cars might skid on it.

380
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,220
Where's the other fellow gone?

381
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,710
He ran off. He got scared and ran away.

382
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,420
He was in the army and I think
he saw people being blown up...

383
00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:02,829
Do you want to know what I think?

384
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,099
I think you've got a vivid imagination.

385
00:23:05,519 --> 00:23:08,220
- I wasn't stealing a traffic cone.
- I'm not saying you were.

386
00:23:08,759 --> 00:23:11,640
- Why are you saying "steal"?
- Because...

387
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,950
To an innocent bystander,
it could look like traffic cone theft.

388
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,670
And I'm an innocent bystander,

389
00:23:21,079 --> 00:23:23,329
and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.

390
00:23:23,799 --> 00:23:25,799
- But it's not.
- It's not.

391
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,059
What's your name?

392
00:23:29,519 --> 00:23:30,680
Bill.

393
00:23:32,519 --> 00:23:33,680
Bill...?

394
00:23:34,839 --> 00:23:36,420
Carr. Bill Carr.

395
00:23:36,799 --> 00:23:38,339
Bill Carr.

396
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,349
Where do you live, Bill? What's your address?

397
00:23:43,599 --> 00:23:44,859
King Road.

398
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:47,490
King Road.

399
00:23:47,839 --> 00:23:49,420
Is there a number?

400
00:23:49,799 --> 00:23:53,210
Ten... King Road in Ipswich.

401
00:23:53,839 --> 00:23:55,490
Where are you going now?

402
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,369
I'm going to go home

403
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,859
and just probably go straight to bed
and keep out of trouble.

404
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,329
Good. Good.

405
00:24:04,759 --> 00:24:06,369
We'll let this go,

406
00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:09,289
but I don't want to see you here again. All right?

407
00:24:09,799 --> 00:24:11,339
OK. Thank you.

408
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,670
Right. Go. Just drive away. Drive away normally.

409
00:24:20,039 --> 00:24:21,480
Stop panicking.

410
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,430
Start the engine.

411
00:24:24,799 --> 00:24:27,009
(AlARM BEEPs)
Switch the alarm off!

412
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,329
Lean back.

413
00:24:33,319 --> 00:24:34,480
Stay still.

414
00:24:34,799 --> 00:24:38,099
I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle then.

415
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,859
I could have been done for drink driving.

416
00:24:59,319 --> 00:25:01,210
Would you like me to lap dance for you?

417
00:25:03,279 --> 00:25:07,319
My peephole Pringle is modelled
on an SAS balaclava.

418
00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:11,140
Sweet feet. Ooh!

419
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,019
Do you like my cones?

420
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,200
They're little ones.

421
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:20,019
I got them from a cycling test centre.

422
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,190
I've got a clean licence.

423
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,140
Yours is dirty.

424
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,920
You've got six points.

425
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,599
I've got two...

426
00:25:32,079 --> 00:25:33,589
points.

427
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,670
Oh, dear.

428
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,190
Tonight, I was that close,
that close, to being infamous.

429
00:25:41,799 --> 00:25:45,519
I don't want to be infamous, I want to be famous.

430
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,640
Famous.

431
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,670
It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem,
"If". You know that?

432
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,730
If you do K, Y and Z, Bob's your uncle.

433
00:25:55,839 --> 00:25:57,589
Do you want a lift to the cab rank?

434
00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,470
Yes, thank you. I would.

435
00:25:59,839 --> 00:26:03,099
- But it's only a 15-minute walk.
- Yes. Mmm.

436
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,720
Be careful. No lights on the dual carriageway.

437
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,950
- Oh, there you are.
- How are you, Mr Partridge?

438
00:26:12,559 --> 00:26:14,279
- That was a close shave.
- Aye, it was.

439
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:18,089
- You disappeared pretty sharpish.
- Aye. A scalded cat runs away.

440
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,980
- Can I have eggs for breakfast?
- Aye, certainly.

441
00:26:22,599 --> 00:26:23,900
I'd like you to lay them. Chicken!

442
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,710
- Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Susan. Third floor?

443
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,420
Yes, thank you.

444
00:26:33,759 --> 00:26:35,200
(LIFT BELL DINGS)

445
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,890
(LIFT BELL DINGS)

446
00:26:50,559 --> 00:26:51,819
Right, well...

447
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,670
Are you getting out here,
or are you going all the way with me?

448
00:26:56,319 --> 00:26:57,900
I'm getting out here.

449
00:26:58,279 --> 00:27:00,000
All right. Goodnight, Alan.

450
00:27:05,759 --> 00:27:07,160
This county.

451
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,799
That was The Police
with "Do Do Do, Da Da Da" -

452
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,619
their gibberish classic -
and my tribute to Her Majesty's Police.

453
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,269
It's seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton.

454
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,019
Yes, indeed. My name's Dave Clifton,
and there goes Alan Partridge -

455
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:24,009
cone but not forgotten.

456
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,359
Are you off to see a film
like "Cone-an the Barbarian"?

457
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:30,180
Good one.

458
00:27:30,519 --> 00:27:32,380
Then watch TV, like "Cone Dancing".

459
00:27:32,799 --> 00:27:34,900
Yeah. Not so good, but fine.

460
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:38,730
- Oh, Alan. Cone you take a joke?
- Oh, fuck off!

461
00:27:41,599 --> 00:27:44,299
Actually, I am speechless.

462
00:27:44,839 --> 00:27:47,190
I don't believe you just said that.

463
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,640
You don't sound it. I wish you were.

464
00:27:50,079 --> 00:27:52,609
I really don't know what to say. I find it difficult...

465
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:54,279
Try saying nothing.

466
00:27:54,599 --> 00:27:57,480
You and I both know that dead air is a crime.

467
00:27:58,039 --> 00:28:01,480
It's terrible you have to fill it
with swearing on your show.

468
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:04,289
Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong.

469
00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:07,670
It's gone seven. It's your show. You're responsible.

470
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,839
I am technically a guest
and you failed to control me.

471
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:13,250
Read the small print on your cone-tract.

472
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:16,650
- From Go West...
- Fannies!

473
00:28:17,079 --> 00:28:18,799
This is "Call Me".