1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,830 (MUSIC PLAYS) 2 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:05,629 That was Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark 3 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:07,980 with some classic electro-rock 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,210 from their album "Architecture and Morality" - 5 00:00:11,759 --> 00:00:14,080 two subjects we could discuss all night. 6 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,050 Indeed, the lines are open if you want to comment 7 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,809 on either architecture or morality, 8 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:23,370 two equally hot, but differently-shaped potatoes. 9 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,940 Chips and crinkle-cut chips. 10 00:00:27,519 --> 00:00:30,289 So give me a call - please! 11 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,820 Seriously though, do give me a call. 12 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,920 It's 4.50 am. 13 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,810 The Queen is dead, long live the Kings' Singers. 14 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,929 Just pop your elbow on there... 15 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,060 you've locked the door. Sometimes you don't want to. 16 00:00:51,759 --> 00:00:54,880 We've had several calls during the last few hours 17 00:00:55,479 --> 00:00:57,090 about a humorous comment I made. 18 00:00:57,479 --> 00:01:00,320 Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. 19 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,390 It was a humorous intro into a song, which has been taken too literally 20 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,090 by one or two listeners, and a newspaper. 21 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:12,299 So just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth Il is not dead. 22 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:16,609 Unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. 23 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:19,430 Coming up to seven o'clock. 24 00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:23,030 Gadzooks! It's the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire. 25 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,280 Good morning to you, sir. 26 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,239 Arise, Sir Alan of Partridgeshire. 27 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,409 Shall we stop talking in a medieval way? What's on your show today? 28 00:01:33,079 --> 00:01:37,500 Right. Get dialling. If you want to cross the Clifton suspension quiz, 29 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:42,109 the prize money has soared to an incredible £11,OOO. 30 00:01:42,799 --> 00:01:44,129 So just to remind you of... 31 00:01:48,239 --> 00:01:49,640 You're sexy. 32 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,719 Yes. 33 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,469 - Sorry. - I didn't know you cared, Alan! 34 00:01:54,959 --> 00:01:56,959 That was OAP - Old Alan Partridge. 35 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,170 I'm not old! I'm 43, you cheeky git! 36 00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:04,129 And this is Blue Oyster Cult from the album "Agents Of Fortune". 37 00:02:08,039 --> 00:02:10,740 # The chances of anything coming from Mars 38 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,099 # Are a million to one... # 39 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,430 Morning... # But still they come. # 40 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,889 Morning, Mr Partridge. "War of the Worlds." 41 00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,110 "Wild Woods"? 42 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,199 No. "War of the Worlds." Guess the tune. 43 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:25,969 Oh. Yes. 44 00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:29,229 What do you reckon? "3 p.m. An Afternoon with Alan Partridge," 45 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,050 "with special celebrity guest star, Sue Cook." 46 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,009 Yeah. Could you just put "Plus Sue Cook"? 47 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,099 The good thing about this 48 00:02:37,479 --> 00:02:40,180 is that you can't hear your Geordie accent on the board. 49 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:43,000 You should turn this into a sandwich board 50 00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:46,389 and press on your chest what you're tying to say. 51 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,050 Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawking's voice box. 52 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,349 The good thing about Stephen Hawking is, he is clear. 53 00:02:57,599 --> 00:02:59,849 It's you, isn't it? You're Alan Partridge. 54 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,740 - Yes, I am. - I don't believe it! 55 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,699 I'm your biggest fan. I'm coming this afternoon. 56 00:03:06,199 --> 00:03:08,129 I've got my ticket. Shake my hand! 57 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,000 What's it about, then, Alan? 58 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,780 It's basically a TV show that's not on TV. 59 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,509 Really? 60 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,750 It's like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook. 61 00:03:18,319 --> 00:03:21,159 Brilliant. It's such a pleasure to shake your hand. 62 00:03:21,719 --> 00:03:24,389 - I can see you're enjoying it. - Yeah! 63 00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:27,020 - You're not going to let it go? - No. 64 00:03:27,479 --> 00:03:29,229 Can I have it back? Thanks. 65 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:31,530 It's so nice that your fans can meet you. 66 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,509 A lot of them don't, and it's fans like us that make you what you are. 67 00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:39,669 I don't actually agree with that. I know some people do, but I don't. 68 00:03:40,319 --> 00:03:42,849 - Can I have your autograph? - Certainly. What's your name? 69 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,240 - Jed Maxwell. - No relation to Robert Maxwell? 70 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:47,960 No. 71 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,699 You're not going to go fat and steal my pension? 72 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,120 - No. - Just a joke. 73 00:03:55,479 --> 00:03:57,969 - Oh, I'm so excited. - Actually... 74 00:03:58,479 --> 00:04:02,379 - Could you ask me for this later? - You've done it now. 75 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,939 It just says, "To Jed Maxwell from Alan". 76 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,180 - It sounds like you know me. - OK. 77 00:04:07,599 --> 00:04:11,009 "To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith." Who's he? Never heard of him. 78 00:04:13,599 --> 00:04:17,040 I'm expecting two TV executives from RTE who are coming from Dublin. 79 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,750 - We're brunching. - Can I shake hands again? 80 00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:23,009 No. You've had enough. It would make me look important 81 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,180 if you could ask for my autograph then and shake my hand...later! 82 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:29,589 Never you mind, Alan. 83 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,610 - You can rely on me. - Thank you. 84 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,910 It's Alan Partridge. I can't believe it! 85 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,639 You haven't lost it, Alan. I don't care what they say. 86 00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:42,709 See you later. 87 00:04:43,079 --> 00:04:45,709 Er, Susan? That's a nice smell. Is that new perfume? 88 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,980 - Yes, it is. - It's very nice. What is it? 89 00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:52,750 - My fiance bought it... - I didn't ask who bought it. 90 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,360 - It's Ralph Lauren. - Can I have a sniff? 91 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,269 Yes. Sure. 92 00:04:58,879 --> 00:05:00,949 Sorry. I shouldn't touch members of staff 93 00:05:01,399 --> 00:05:03,009 unless I'm reprimanding them, 94 00:05:03,399 --> 00:05:07,019 and then I'll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms. 95 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,579 Oh, there was a call for you. A Mr Nishead rang. 96 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,769 - Did he leave a first name? - No. 97 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,089 No. It was just a Mr P Nishead. 98 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:20,439 Sophie... 99 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:23,750 That's a crank call. 100 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,050 - It's another crank call. - Is it? 101 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,740 Read it back. 102 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,459 Oh, yes. I can see what he's done now. Shall I put it on the list? 103 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,709 If you would. 104 00:05:38,079 --> 00:05:40,889 Can I see that list? I want to get to the bottom of this. 105 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:44,959 Mr G String. 106 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,709 Mr Nick Hers, Y Fronts... 107 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,000 Mr T Osser. That doesn't even work. 108 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,610 Mr B Oddie. This is Bill Oddie. 109 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,269 It's not a crank call. Why have you put it on there? 110 00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:00,949 Well, we thought it looked like "body". 111 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:04,560 - What's rude about a body? - Tits? 112 00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:11,500 - Good morning, Sophie. - Good morning. Did you sleep well? 113 00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:14,220 Yeah. It was a good night, wasn't it? 114 00:06:16,639 --> 00:06:20,189 If you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, 115 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,790 then you would have got your head down about midnight? 116 00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:27,220 Yeah. I got my head down all right. 117 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,560 I've had some pretty late night sessions myself. Yeah. 118 00:06:34,199 --> 00:06:38,480 In 1976, I saw ElO at the Birmingham NEC. 119 00:06:40,319 --> 00:06:42,459 I was there shouting with everyone eke, 120 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,269 "Come back on, ElO, and carry on playing!" 121 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,230 Alan, your P.A.'s arrived. 122 00:06:49,639 --> 00:06:51,430 Lynn, let me take that. 123 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:55,139 Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge and Wagon Wheels. Excellent. 124 00:06:57,319 --> 00:07:00,730 - Can I take that for you? - Oh, how very thoughtful. 125 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,040 I'll take it. I'll take it. 126 00:07:06,639 --> 00:07:10,079 This'll happen to you when you hit 4O. It's cutting into my fingers. 127 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,470 Oh, I'm so sorry. 128 00:07:14,279 --> 00:07:16,170 Can you smell my breath? 129 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,230 It smells a bit like gas. 130 00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,779 - You know what that is? - No. 131 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,189 Those scotch eggs we had at the petrol station last night. 132 00:07:25,759 --> 00:07:28,040 - What time was that? - About quarter to 11. 133 00:07:28,519 --> 00:07:31,889 Yeah. It's going to be in the system till about four. 134 00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:34,550 - I'll buy a packet of mints. - Great. 135 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,829 - Alan, there's a call for you. - Right. You go on up, Lynn. 136 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,079 Hello. 137 00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:44,430 Right. Well, where are you? 138 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:46,889 Oh, come on! 139 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,360 Oh, this is... Oh, that's bang out of order! 140 00:07:52,279 --> 00:07:54,529 Well, take a look in the mirror. 141 00:07:56,279 --> 00:07:59,470 Pardon? No. I've got a better idea. Shove it up your arse! 142 00:08:02,199 --> 00:08:03,879 Sue Cook's pulled out. 143 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,079 Michael, change that to "An Afternoon with Just Alan Partridge". 144 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,329 OK. Roger and out. 145 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,399 We're not on short-wave radio. 146 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,379 It is quite eye-catching. 147 00:08:19,759 --> 00:08:22,360 Not what you were taught in the Army - camouflage. 148 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:26,209 I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training. 149 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,629 We had to do target identification. 150 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,459 You had to gang into this building full of people, 151 00:08:31,959 --> 00:08:34,350 identify the hostages and take out the terrorists. 152 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,940 I've sort of employed it here, like. 153 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,809 I know what you mean. 154 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:43,490 A few weeks ago, I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar, 155 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,309 and afterwards a bunch of us went down to laser Quest. 156 00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:50,659 In there, it's very scary. Seconds count. 157 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,360 Aye. 158 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:54,710 Quick on the draw, quick on the draw! 159 00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,879 Look. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon... 160 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,720 - What you want to do is... - I love this. 161 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,070 It's no laughing matter. 162 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,899 When you draw your weapon, right, 163 00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,029 make it as smooth as you possibly can. 164 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,350 So draw, hold, fix and fire and then move and fire 165 00:09:13,919 --> 00:09:16,549 move and fire move and fire, move and fire! 166 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,250 - Get back in the lift, Lynn! - Reload! I'm up. 167 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:20,950 Michael! 168 00:09:21,279 --> 00:09:23,809 - What do you think you're doing? - Sorry. 169 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,620 So do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you? 170 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,419 God, no! 171 00:09:33,759 --> 00:09:35,230 Oh, I see... 172 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,779 I'm very grateful you've come over. 173 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,220 Big fans of all the Irish stuff. 174 00:09:44,799 --> 00:09:47,820 Um... I love your pop music. 175 00:09:48,399 --> 00:09:52,019 Enya...and the other one. Ripped up the Pope. Bald chap. 176 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,169 And I think that's it. 177 00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:59,210 - Well, there's U2, of course. - U2. 178 00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:03,149 Sunday Bloody Sunday. Encapsulates the frustration of Sunday. 179 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,039 You wake up in the morning, you've got to read the Sunday papers, 180 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:11,750 you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, 181 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,159 and you think, "Sunday, bloody Sunday!" 182 00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:19,070 l hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about... 183 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:23,259 Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972. 184 00:10:23,919 --> 00:10:25,919 Massacre. Urgh! Not playing that again. 185 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,850 I must say, it's a really horrible hotel. 186 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,940 - Who stays in a place like this? - Terrible. It's so sterile here. 187 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:35,759 Yes, it is. 188 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,289 The staff are polite, but their smiles are... 189 00:10:38,759 --> 00:10:40,620 - Painted on. - Yeah. Exactly. 190 00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:42,269 It's very fake, isn't it? 191 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,649 The great thing about this hotel is its situation. 192 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,450 It's equidistant between London and Norwich. 193 00:10:48,919 --> 00:10:50,570 That's the genius of its location. 194 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,649 Even though I do hate it and I don't live here, I pop in for breakfast. 195 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,179 - Hello, Alan. - Which is why she knows me. 196 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,049 Hello, Susan. Just clocking the name tag there. 197 00:11:01,519 --> 00:11:05,169 Can we have four full British Isles breakfasts, please? 198 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,029 - Certainly. - Yeah. You robot. 199 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,690 l wouldn't be surprised if she went and opened up her chest, 200 00:11:15,279 --> 00:11:17,279 and turned her smile up. 201 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,350 It's a nice chest, but full of wires. 202 00:11:24,159 --> 00:11:25,980 Do you smell gas? 203 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,370 Do you want a mint? 204 00:11:29,759 --> 00:11:32,179 - The food will probably... - Break it down. 205 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:36,259 Break it down, yes. I'll get some grapefruit juice. That'll help. 206 00:11:38,159 --> 00:11:39,980 Where are you from in Ireland? 207 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:43,879 Aidan is from Selbridge, which is near Dublin, and I'm from West Cork. 208 00:11:44,519 --> 00:11:46,659 - Oh, whereabouts? - You know Skibbereen? 209 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:51,299 Oh, Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child. 210 00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:54,320 I used to go on nature trails and spot flowers 211 00:11:54,799 --> 00:11:56,730 - and Mummy used to say... - There we go. 212 00:11:57,159 --> 00:11:59,049 Ruby grapefruit juice. 213 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,200 I thought I'd take the jug in case it's quaffed by R2D2 over there. 214 00:12:03,879 --> 00:12:05,250 (SUSAN) Tea? Coffee? 215 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,919 (ROBOTIC) Tea or coffee? Tea or coffee? 216 00:12:08,399 --> 00:12:09,980 Four teas, please. 217 00:12:13,519 --> 00:12:16,360 - You ever been to Ireland, Alan? - No. I'd love to go. 218 00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:20,570 It amazes me when people say that and it's only £49 on a plane. 219 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,919 I think that's what puts me off. 220 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,509 Well, that's the small talk. Now let's get down to business. 221 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,590 Now, your programme... 222 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,029 (IRISH ACCENT)..what's the big idea? 223 00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:38,850 Well, the "big idea" is that we want to produce a show 224 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:43,879 that appeals to mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish Sea. 225 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,129 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) 226 00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:50,620 Oh, scary Irish man! 227 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,120 Would you like to recruit me? 228 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:55,889 I like your berets. 229 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,149 They're worn by Saddam Hussein, 230 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,860 Frank Spencer, 231 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,759 and the French. 232 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,049 ..but celebrate the culture of both countries. 233 00:13:08,759 --> 00:13:12,480 Yeah. I think the Irish are going through a major image change. 234 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:16,779 I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, 235 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,740 horses running through council estates, 236 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,759 toothless simpletons... 237 00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:26,480 people with eyebrows on their cheeks... 238 00:13:28,039 --> 00:13:30,779 badly tarmacked drives in this county, 239 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,690 men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, 240 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,600 lots of rocks, and Beamish. 241 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,220 I think people are saying, 242 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,210 "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this". 243 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,580 A good slogan for the tourist board. 244 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,769 ("IRISH" ACCENT) "There's more to Ireland dan dis." 245 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,600 - There we go. - Thanks very much. 246 00:13:56,759 --> 00:14:00,450 You blonde bastard...from the future. 247 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,820 Phew, this looks disgusting. 248 00:14:08,279 --> 00:14:10,100 Still, might as well eat it. 249 00:14:10,519 --> 00:14:14,419 So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine? 250 00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:21,409 Two million, and another two million had to leave the county. 251 00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:24,179 If it was just potatoes that were affected, 252 00:14:24,639 --> 00:14:27,590 you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater. 253 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,710 They could afford to eat in a modest restaurant. 254 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,649 Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm tying to get an angle. 255 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:42,980 I think you're increasingly moving towards an area 256 00:14:43,519 --> 00:14:45,340 - we want to move away from. - You're right. 257 00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:47,549 Live TV can blow up in your face. 258 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,379 Sorry about that. You must be sick of that. 259 00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:53,409 - Of what? - Being blown up, bombs. 260 00:14:53,919 --> 00:14:57,360 - I'm from Dublin. Not in Dublin. - But that's where you make them. 261 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,590 You've come all this way, and I think you're being a bit negative. 262 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,450 No. I was interested in something earlier. 263 00:15:06,919 --> 00:15:10,149 Lynn, when you were talking about going to Skibbereen as a child. 264 00:15:10,759 --> 00:15:12,509 I wonder if there's something in that. 265 00:15:12,919 --> 00:15:16,080 Did you have any friends or cousins over while you were there? 266 00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:18,539 Could I have your autograph? 267 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,100 - Certainly. What's your name? - Jed Maxwell. 268 00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:23,659 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 269 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,700 "From Alan Partridge." 270 00:15:33,159 --> 00:15:35,049 I think there's some interesting... 271 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,009 A-a-a-a-a...l. listen... 272 00:15:38,519 --> 00:15:40,769 I think if we, um... 273 00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:45,539 If you stick around for the Afternoon with Alan Partridge, 274 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,840 then afterwards you can talk to Lynn AND me about Lynn. 275 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,159 (ORGAN MUSIC.. "KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU" BY ABBA) 276 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,370 A-ha! 277 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,389 Good afternoon. (MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN) 278 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,100 (MUSIC.. "I'M A LUMBERJACK" FROM MONTY PYTHON) 279 00:16:21,639 --> 00:16:23,639 (DRUM MACHINE PLAYS) 280 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,340 (VERY FAST DRUMBEAT) 281 00:16:37,159 --> 00:16:38,559 (MUSIC STOPS) 282 00:16:41,679 --> 00:16:45,610 Sorry. Couple of gremlins in the system. Ghosts in the machine. 283 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,389 Perhaps a metaphor for... 284 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,429 Good evening. 285 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:56,570 I might as well say this now, Sue Cook has pulled out. 286 00:16:57,159 --> 00:16:58,950 (SOME GROANS) 287 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,620 So if anyone wants to leave, then now's the time. 288 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,259 Amazing. Absolutely amazing. 289 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:13,660 Question from there. 290 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,650 Has your career gone off the rails? 291 00:17:16,039 --> 00:17:18,710 No, not you, the woman behind. 292 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,059 Are you in favour of the death penalty? 293 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,500 Yes, I am. For treason and murder. 294 00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:28,640 Say "Pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre" to anyone 295 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,180 and they'll probably look blankly at you... Hello? 296 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,779 Why do people do that? 297 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,490 very clever men. Both very clever men, but I don't trust them. 298 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:46,069 Gerry Adams looks like a deputy headmaster 299 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,130 and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without make-up. 300 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,269 OK. Let's recap. Draw the gun from the holster, 301 00:17:54,759 --> 00:17:56,509 there's one in the chamber 302 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,990 and move and fire move and fire, move and fire. 303 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,410 The terrorist is disoriented from the stun grenades. 304 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:05,700 Remember the double - bang, bang. 305 00:18:06,079 --> 00:18:09,269 We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target, 306 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,279 and we do that in two areas - 307 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,049 anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept. 308 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,289 Get one there, he's going down. 309 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,559 Or you can take a head shot. Again, he's going down. 310 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:23,650 I think we've got time for just one more question. 311 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,720 - Lady at the back. - Yes, Alan. 312 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,589 I wondered if you had any more Alan Partridge tie and badge packs? 313 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:33,730 Yes, I do. 314 00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:38,650 I've got one here. They're available in reception priced £19.99 - 315 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:43,089 £20. The penny's just a price rhetoric. 316 00:18:43,759 --> 00:18:45,720 Some of the boxes are a bit faded 317 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,569 but I was made promises about storage that were not kept. 318 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,220 So that's all from me. Thank you very much. Goodbye. 319 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,269 Sorry. Got to go. 320 00:18:57,279 --> 00:18:59,670 Oh, there you are. So what do you think? 321 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,970 - Well, I wouldn't be depressed. - I'm not. 322 00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,960 - When you were with that woman... - Did you see her face? Classic. 323 00:19:07,599 --> 00:19:09,740 - She was frightened. - Yeah. I know. 324 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,410 So perhaps we could go and chat about all my other ideas in my room. 325 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,160 - Your room? - My room. In my house. 326 00:19:17,599 --> 00:19:19,279 Where's your house? 327 00:19:20,799 --> 00:19:23,569 Just down the road. Our house. 328 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,799 Do you remember the man who came up to ask for my autograph? 329 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,700 - No. - Good. 330 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:35,990 This is Jed. He's my driver. 331 00:19:36,559 --> 00:19:39,049 - Hello, Jed. - Hello. And business partner. 332 00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:40,819 Hello. 333 00:19:41,559 --> 00:19:43,910 And we live together. We're not gay! 334 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,210 I've nothing against them. It's just, as I see it, 335 00:19:47,759 --> 00:19:51,269 God created Adam and Eve he didn't create Adam and Steve. 336 00:19:53,519 --> 00:19:55,519 I'm kind of a homo-sceptic. 337 00:19:56,599 --> 00:19:59,369 Whatever. I just would like to get out of here. 338 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,359 Let's go. 339 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,670 Have you seen the film "The Crying Game"? 340 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:14,960 Yes, I saw it. 341 00:20:16,079 --> 00:20:18,039 We, er... 342 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,869 The woman with the old tadger... 343 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,950 I suppose the sequel will have a man with a... 344 00:20:28,279 --> 00:20:29,539 a fanny. 345 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,589 This is my house. 346 00:20:40,079 --> 00:20:41,339 Where I live. 347 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,750 Nice and out of the way. 348 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,970 With Jed. After you. 349 00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:49,619 - A bowl of bread there. - What's that for? 350 00:20:50,079 --> 00:20:51,690 Just, er...friends. 351 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,609 I'll put the kettle on. 352 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,329 Right. 353 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:05,910 Um... 354 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,819 Shall we go into the...? 355 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,779 Yes, the lounge. 356 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,329 Grab a pew. 357 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,849 There's only the one chair. 358 00:21:17,279 --> 00:21:19,349 The other one burnt down. 359 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,619 If Jed and I are both in here, I tend to do this. 360 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,089 Sort of lean on the wall. 361 00:21:28,519 --> 00:21:31,079 Yeah. Perched on the arm. That's a good one. 362 00:21:31,599 --> 00:21:33,069 I've tried that one. 363 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,859 Nice picture of yourself on the TV. 364 00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:39,480 I always leave this here, so I'm always on the telly. 365 00:21:41,039 --> 00:21:42,579 Who's the other one? 366 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,420 This is David Copperfield. 367 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,539 Yes. He's the American magician, you know? 368 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,089 "I'm an American." 369 00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:56,559 Yes. He claims to have made the Statue of Liberty disappear, 370 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,529 but it's still there. 371 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,880 Talking out of his arse. 372 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:03,660 Is that an original? 373 00:22:04,039 --> 00:22:06,670 I don't know why I bought this painting. 374 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,250 This has got a very haunting quality. 375 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,839 Man and machine. 376 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,869 I mean, I often look at this in the morning and think... 377 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,170 "Oh, I'd like to kiss her". 378 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,619 Actually, do you mind if I use your toilet? 379 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:26,589 - By all means. - Where is it? 380 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,920 Um... I'll show you. 381 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,569 This is the lobby. I like to read the Sunday papers in here. 382 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,240 I can never find the light switch in here. 383 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:55,769 Oh, my God! 384 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,960 I am such a bighead! 385 00:23:09,519 --> 00:23:10,920 Two things. 386 00:23:11,279 --> 00:23:15,559 One, presumably you think I'm a bit odd and you'd like to leave now. 387 00:23:16,319 --> 00:23:17,829 Yes. 388 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,569 And two. 389 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,130 - Can I come with you? - No. 390 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,490 (JED) Tea's up. 391 00:23:24,839 --> 00:23:27,400 I'm Sorry. We've only got one mug. 392 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,450 You're the biggest. You'd better have the mug. 393 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,980 You'll have to have this milk jug. It's a bit like a mug. 394 00:23:34,559 --> 00:23:37,329 I'll have the coffee jar, and there you go, Alan. 395 00:23:41,519 --> 00:23:43,980 It's the ball thing you have in washing machines. 396 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,619 That's right! It's called an airealator. 397 00:23:48,839 --> 00:23:50,000 Cheers. 398 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,240 Yeah. I often think I should swallow this whole 399 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:00,539 and let it slosh round my system, dispensing the coffee. 400 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,519 The trouble is it'd be quite difficult to swallow 401 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,319 and even harder to... Where have they gone? 402 00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:09,150 You don't think my room scared them, do you? 403 00:24:10,759 --> 00:24:13,809 I think they might have found it a bit creepy. 404 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,869 It must be odd being surrounded by photos of yourself. 405 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,049 It is a bit, yeah. 406 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,319 I like David Copperfield as well. Not as much as you. 407 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,619 He's losing the battle for wall space, isn't he? 408 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:31,940 Did you take these on a telephoto lens? 409 00:24:32,599 --> 00:24:34,599 - Yeah. - Are you the crank caller? 410 00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:36,720 - Yeah. - Yup, thought so. 411 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:40,210 I'm just a fan, Alan, that's all. Your biggest fan. 412 00:24:40,799 --> 00:24:42,309 - Yeah. - I'll show you something. 413 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,900 Glory be! 414 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,339 It took 14 hours! 415 00:24:51,799 --> 00:24:53,480 I fainted three times. 416 00:24:54,519 --> 00:24:56,660 Jed, I'll level with you. 417 00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:58,839 I'm really scared. 418 00:25:00,519 --> 00:25:03,190 - Um... In fact, I think I'll go. - No. 419 00:25:03,839 --> 00:25:05,559 - It's OK... - No, stay! Don't go! 420 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,579 All right. I'll stay! I'll stay. What do you want to do? 421 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,079 - Let's do an interview. - That's a great idea. 422 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,470 - Really? - It's the best idea in the world. 423 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,420 Oh, great. 424 00:25:19,759 --> 00:25:21,480 Well, you can be David Copperfield. 425 00:25:22,559 --> 00:25:24,769 And I'll be Alan Partridge! 426 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,029 - A-ha! - God! 427 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,769 No! Come back! 428 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,180 Not my face! I'm doing a photo-shoot for Vision Express! 429 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,400 I'll give you a Chinese burn! 430 00:25:38,799 --> 00:25:40,170 Ha! You bastard! 431 00:25:41,279 --> 00:25:42,960 I can't breathe. 432 00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,009 I can't breathe. 433 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,000 - I just want to be your friend. - I'll be your friend. 434 00:25:48,519 --> 00:25:52,029 Oh, great. Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend? 435 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,569 - I'd love to. - Guess where he lives. 436 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,509 Go on, have a guess. 437 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,319 - Nottingham? - No. 438 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,299 Chester. 439 00:26:03,559 --> 00:26:05,589 - Where? - Chester. 440 00:26:06,039 --> 00:26:08,210 North Wales. Off the M56. 441 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,519 - No. Leeds! - Oh, Leeds. 442 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,809 Can you smell gas? 443 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,240 I think that's my breath. 444 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,710 I ate a scotch egg. 445 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,210 I thought it would have broken down by now, 446 00:26:24,799 --> 00:26:27,079 but I think I'm slightly constipated. 447 00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,269 It's surprising, really, considering the circumstances. 448 00:26:31,839 --> 00:26:34,650 I'm Sorry, Alan. I didn't know. Are you all right? 449 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,359 Yeah. 450 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,640 - So we're friends? - Best friends. 451 00:26:39,079 --> 00:26:42,130 - In the whole world? - Pretty much, yeah. 452 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:44,619 Thank you. 453 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,309 I hope you'll not be a stranger. 454 00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:50,119 Er, no, I won't be one. 455 00:26:50,599 --> 00:26:53,720 Good. Well, there'll always be a kettle on here. 456 00:26:54,319 --> 00:26:55,480 Oh, great. 457 00:27:01,799 --> 00:27:03,589 See you next week, then. 458 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,259 We'll have that pint. 459 00:27:05,599 --> 00:27:07,140 - Yup. - See my brother. 460 00:27:07,519 --> 00:27:09,980 No way, you big spastic! You're a mentalist! 461 00:27:11,279 --> 00:27:13,450 Come back! I'll rip your bloody head off! 462 00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:16,309 Come back! 463 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,529 Oh, it's a dead end. 464 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:20,819 Where's the road? 465 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,609 Where's the road? 466 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,740 He's a mentalist! 467 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:08,259 Help me, someone!