1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:05,009 That was Japan - the effeminate futurists from the 80s - 2 00:00:05,759 --> 00:00:08,599 with "Life Can Be Cruel in Tokyo". 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,980 It's certainly congested. I'd love to go. 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,289 In the meantime, it's seven o'clock. 5 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,789 Oh, Guv'nor, he's got me bang to rights. 6 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:19,260 It's Chief Constable Dave Clifton of Scotland Yard's 7 00:00:19,839 --> 00:00:21,629 plainclothes pop force. 8 00:00:22,039 --> 00:00:24,809 - Yes. Good morning, Alan... - Whoa. let me finish. 9 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,570 - Hello, hello, hello. - Yeah. 10 00:00:28,039 --> 00:00:29,579 l think you're splitting hairs. 11 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,560 - Sorry, splidding? - Yes. Splidding, you know. 12 00:00:33,079 --> 00:00:35,679 It's difficult to understand why you say splidding 13 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,229 because in real life you say "splitting." 14 00:00:38,679 --> 00:00:41,100 You substitute "d" for "t" when you're broadcasting. 15 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,740 - It's the behaviour of a dosser. - A dosser? 16 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,090 Yes. A dosser and a dwad. 17 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,079 - Alan Partridge there... - There's others. 18 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:50,899 There's did-head 19 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,270 and there's dalendess shid. 20 00:00:53,719 --> 00:00:56,039 And rumour says you're back on the boddle. 21 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,170 - This is "Einstein A Go Go". - Gid. That's git. 22 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,829 It's moored in Miami. 23 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,420 Home sweet home. 24 00:01:14,879 --> 00:01:16,040 Yeah. 25 00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:17,659 These corridors. 26 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,650 Yeah, they are, aren't they? 27 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,030 Let myself in. Needed the toilet. 28 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,189 Well, close the door. 29 00:01:28,599 --> 00:01:30,040 So, er... 30 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,140 - everything all right? - Just a bit of tummy trouble. 31 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,310 No, I mean generally. Not specifically the toilet. 32 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,390 - Oh, yes, everything's fine. - Good. So what have you been doing? 33 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,230 I've been getting your clothes ready for the county show, 34 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,909 - and doing a bit of tidying. - Tidying? 35 00:01:48,519 --> 00:01:50,129 What do you mean, tidying? 36 00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:53,930 I just did the bed. I didn't go near your drawer. 37 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:55,719 Good. 38 00:01:57,879 --> 00:02:00,719 They'd like you to judge the vegetable competition. 39 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,049 - Eh? - Very manly. It works. 40 00:02:04,599 --> 00:02:06,040 All I need now is a shotgun. 41 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,930 Both barrels, bang! You'd hit the wall. 42 00:02:11,439 --> 00:02:14,280 This has the appearance of a bullet-proof vest, 43 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,750 so any fanatics would be put off aItogether 44 00:02:18,319 --> 00:02:20,139 or they'd simply go for a head shot. 45 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,120 In which case I won't even know it's happened. 46 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,759 Alan, I've told you a thousand times, no one wants to kill you. 47 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,319 It defies sense. Why? 48 00:02:29,759 --> 00:02:32,810 I'm a soft target. They won't go for the Prime Minister, 49 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,080 he's surrounded by bouncers. 50 00:02:35,479 --> 00:02:38,389 Yet everyone knows I will be in Swaffham at 3 p.m. 51 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,289 Your mind's flying. 52 00:02:42,719 --> 00:02:46,509 Of course my mind's flying. I've been living in a hotel for 26 weeks! 53 00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:49,479 182 days in a Travel Tavern! 54 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,490 See this, look. Sanitary bags. 55 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,259 They put these in my room every day. They know I'm a man! 56 00:02:57,599 --> 00:02:59,849 I keep loose Werther's Originals in them. 57 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,259 Look at this. 58 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,759 That is 182 bottles of body lotion. 59 00:03:08,879 --> 00:03:10,979 I was going to sell them in a car boot sale. 60 00:03:11,439 --> 00:03:14,879 I can't remember what it's like to dial a number from a telephone 61 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,340 without hitting nine first. 62 00:03:17,759 --> 00:03:20,219 Hello? Reception? Sorry, I must have hit a zero. 63 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,169 I was at a friend's house. 64 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,240 I was tying to make a phone call. I'd been hitting nine, Lynn! 65 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,020 I felt like a ruddy idiot. 66 00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,300 I couldn't stay there after that. 67 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,050 - Would you like a Horlicks? - Yes, please. 68 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,150 Not in that drawer. 69 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,659 (KNOCKING) Come in. 70 00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:47,229 Hello. Everything all right with the room? 71 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,419 - Yes, marvellous. - This box arrived for you. 72 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,719 Oh, super. I've been trying to get this box off Carol for months. 73 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,629 - Is that you? - No. That's my daughter, Denise. 74 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,030 Bit of a rebel. 75 00:04:04,039 --> 00:04:05,509 What's so funny? 76 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:09,069 Nothing. It's just that she really really looks like you. 77 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,539 It's not me. Have I got a pierced navel? 78 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,259 - I don't know. - I haven't. 79 00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:18,149 Oh, great. Nigel Rees' Book of Humorous Graffiti. 80 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,629 This is the Koran for the after-dinner speaker. 81 00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:24,730 A quick tip, Sophie. If you do an after-dinner speech, 82 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,819 you say, "Sorry I'm late. I just popped to the toilet, 83 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,160 "and I saw some graffiti that said, 84 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,230 "'I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure'". 85 00:04:34,759 --> 00:04:37,639 Straight away you've got them by the Jaffas. 86 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,600 It's witty. Not like a lot of graffiti you see these days. 87 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,430 Just crude, like... 88 00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:46,370 Touch my this. 89 00:04:46,759 --> 00:04:48,579 Suck my such and such. 90 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,660 Something all over my whatever. 91 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:54,870 My penis is so and so. 92 00:04:55,319 --> 00:04:56,550 Yeah. 93 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:01,050 There we go, Lynn. Tony Hayers. 94 00:05:02,199 --> 00:05:04,620 I tell you, you've not witnessed pure evil 95 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,879 until you've looked at the man who's just cancelled your second series. 96 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,720 - He looks quite nice. - The devil can take many forms. 97 00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:14,579 All right, Lynn. 98 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,009 She's a member of a Baptist Church. I think they're a bit... 99 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,250 Sorry about saying penis earlier. 100 00:05:21,639 --> 00:05:25,399 Don't worry. Trapped her finger in a door once, she swore like a docker. 101 00:05:26,079 --> 00:05:30,610 I brought you some more stationery. I'll just put it in the drawer. 102 00:05:34,399 --> 00:05:36,360 I'd rather you didn't. 103 00:05:39,079 --> 00:05:42,910 - Are you all right for body lotion? - Yeah. I've got 182 bottles. 104 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,779 Bloody hell. 105 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:53,620 Clydesdale horses. 12 hands high. 106 00:05:54,199 --> 00:05:57,610 Hands, of course, the ancient system for measuring horses 107 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,129 that's been around since medieval times. 108 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,970 Of course, tape measures in those days were viewed with suspicion. 109 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,220 Anyone who could unfurl 15 feet of thin sheet metal 110 00:06:08,879 --> 00:06:11,930 from a pocket-sized box would have been killed as a witch. 111 00:06:12,519 --> 00:06:16,139 It's tragic to think, actually, that girls - 112 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,610 some as young as the ones holding balloons over there - 113 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,629 would have been burnt at the stake. 114 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,350 May God have mercy on their souls. 115 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,540 A nice tray of plums there. 116 00:06:30,519 --> 00:06:33,079 Just put "nice plums". 117 00:06:36,519 --> 00:06:40,980 This is lovely, this. It's sort of like an old lady's hair. 118 00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:43,439 An old lady's blonde hair. 119 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:46,259 Quite attractive. Put that down as a plus point. 120 00:06:46,759 --> 00:06:49,850 These are nice. Got a nice kind of glossy finish. 121 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,439 I knew a bloke who had fingers like that. 122 00:06:53,879 --> 00:06:55,350 He's dead now. 123 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,889 An Irish navvy. Angina. 124 00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,759 Wasn't pleasant. 125 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,490 Cabbages. Don't like cabbages at all. Let's get through this lot. 126 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,980 They're all rubbish, so take your pick. 127 00:07:07,399 --> 00:07:09,819 And I'm not sure about these. 128 00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:13,899 I don't know whether this protrusion is a good or bad thing. 129 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,649 This is a good murder weapon because you could beat them to death, 130 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:19,889 then eat the evidence. 131 00:07:20,279 --> 00:07:23,300 Agatha Christie's probably already thought of that one. 132 00:07:23,879 --> 00:07:26,199 The onion mystery. The onion murders. 133 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,009 Good idea for a programme. 134 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,689 Not that the BBC would commission it. 135 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,370 They wouldn't know a good idea if I hit them over the head with it 136 00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:37,189 then ate the evidence. 137 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,529 Fire! Fire! The fair's on fire! 138 00:07:49,279 --> 00:07:51,029 I'm joking, of course it's not, 139 00:07:51,439 --> 00:07:55,829 but that's the kind of thing you can see from...oh, what are they called? 140 00:07:56,639 --> 00:08:00,009 The local fire brigade in tent four. 141 00:08:00,639 --> 00:08:03,550 My own tip is never throw water on a fat fire. 142 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,660 It'll take your face off. 143 00:08:08,319 --> 00:08:12,009 The stocks are now open for custard-pie throwing. 144 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,000 I tell you who I'd like to put in the stocks. 145 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,810 Tony Hayers. 146 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,569 He's the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television. 147 00:08:21,199 --> 00:08:24,500 And it wouldn't be custard pies I'd be throwing at him either. 148 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:29,439 I'd like to throw cabbages, hot Bovril and gravel. 149 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:33,419 With BBC commissioning policy, 150 00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:38,620 they are obliged to contract out 151 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,370 a certain percentage of their programmes 152 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:43,799 to independent programme makers. 153 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,240 And I think it... 154 00:08:47,879 --> 00:08:49,669 You're not even listening, are you? 155 00:08:50,919 --> 00:08:52,320 You people. 156 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:54,909 I'm going. 157 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,409 It's all wrapping up in about an hour anyway, 158 00:08:57,879 --> 00:08:59,350 so I don't think you'll miss me. 159 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:00,950 (BUZZING) 160 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:06,480 Hello, Lynn. 161 00:09:06,799 --> 00:09:09,500 Oh, Sorry. I was just doing the catalogues. 162 00:09:10,039 --> 00:09:12,529 Looking at the big girdle section? 163 00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:18,860 It's interesting that these women are technically models. 164 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,509 Where do they get these men from? 165 00:09:22,919 --> 00:09:26,679 Who smiles at a Black & Decker Workmate for goodness sake? 166 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,139 How did the county show go, Alan? 167 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,200 - I walked off. - Who's upset you this time? 168 00:09:35,799 --> 00:09:37,379 Just people. 169 00:09:38,799 --> 00:09:41,470 I just hate the general public. 170 00:09:43,279 --> 00:09:45,740 - Alan? There's a call for you. - Who is it? 171 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,129 - It's Sue Cook. - What does she want? 172 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,110 Hello, Sue. It's Alan. 173 00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:53,679 Yeah. 174 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,190 Take the fag out of your mouth. I can't tell what you're saying. 175 00:09:57,799 --> 00:09:59,240 What? Really? 176 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,850 Oh, my God! Tony Hayers is dead. 177 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,620 Yes! 178 00:10:05,879 --> 00:10:09,740 He fell off his roof, tying to remove the aerial. Broke his neck. 179 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,629 So who's replaced him as Head of Programmes? Chris Feathers? 180 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,679 That's an interesting choice. 181 00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:20,720 Right. I mean, he's definitely dead? 182 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,509 Right. Presumably, there's going to be some sort of funeral? 183 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,190 They're cremating him? Good, good. 184 00:10:28,639 --> 00:10:32,539 Right. And will Chris Feathers be at the funeral? 185 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,580 Right, right. 186 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,769 Can you hold on a moment, Sue? Chris Feathers likes me. 187 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,110 He likes me, doesn't he? 188 00:10:41,519 --> 00:10:43,549 He used to flirt with Lynn all the time. 189 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,580 Mind you, that was 20 years ago. 190 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:49,299 Right. I think I'll be going along, yes. 191 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,350 That's the least I can do. 192 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,509 Thanks, Sue. You can puff away now. 193 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,440 Kiss my face! 194 00:10:57,639 --> 00:10:58,899 Alan! 195 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,539 Put it there, Lynn. 196 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,929 - Hello. - Hello. You going to the lift, too? 197 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:09,700 Lift? Yes. 198 00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,039 - First? - Yes. 199 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:30,279 - Ping! - Pardon? 200 00:11:30,799 --> 00:11:32,899 The noise the door makes... (PING!) 201 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,690 Oh! Excellent. 202 00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:36,789 Eeow! 203 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,200 - It's like cars, this. - That's right. 204 00:11:39,639 --> 00:11:40,830 Excellent. 205 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,600 Chris. Chris Feathers. Hi. 206 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,850 - Alan, how are you? - Well, very well. 207 00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:52,799 I mean, considering. 208 00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:54,879 Oh, yes. Brilliant man. 209 00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:58,120 Yes. He had a second-class honours degree in media studies 210 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,570 from Loughborough University. 211 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,470 What a waste. 212 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,169 They've asked me to take over Tony's job as Chief Commissioning Editor. 213 00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:08,309 I had heard something. 214 00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:11,559 - Can l...? - Just two minutes. 215 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,120 Right. 216 00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:25,710 - Jane. - Thank you for coming. 217 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,700 Can I offer you my deep, deep... 218 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,480 despair on this very bad day? 219 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,279 Thank you. 220 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,389 I mean, how are you coping? 221 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,259 Oh, well, terrible really. 222 00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:43,860 We'd booked to go on holiday next week. 223 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,620 Bugger! 224 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,620 - He'd have been 41 next month. - Oh, God. 225 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,860 All those people that say life begins at 4O. 226 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,509 They're notable by their absence. The nerve! 227 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,539 Were you close? 228 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,210 - He was my husband. - Yes, yes, of course. 229 00:13:07,399 --> 00:13:09,929 What was he doing on the bloody roof? 230 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,389 - He was getting the aerial. - I know. I was being rhetorical. 231 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,480 - Did the aerial come down with him? - Yes, it did. 232 00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:23,340 So the last thing he did was an act of kindness. 233 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,730 Thank you for the travel clock. 234 00:13:26,159 --> 00:13:27,389 - You got it? - Yes. 235 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,320 - Littlewoods are very quick. - They are, yes. 236 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,940 Anyway, commiserations. 237 00:13:33,399 --> 00:13:36,100 Hang on in there. I'm sure you'll bounce back. 238 00:13:36,639 --> 00:13:38,990 If there's anything I can do, just ask. 239 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,940 Apart for heavy lifting. I've got a bad back. 240 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,230 (PHONE RINGS) 241 00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:47,039 Shall I leave that? 242 00:13:47,399 --> 00:13:49,289 - Yes, I think so. - I'd better answer it. 243 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:50,909 Hello. Partridge. 244 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,659 - Can you go outside? - All right. 245 00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:55,909 Oh, Curry's, great. 246 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,669 No. I was just talking to a widow. 247 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:04,009 Look. I want two speakers for an Alba stereo system. 248 00:14:04,639 --> 00:14:06,460 Hello? Battery. 249 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:09,720 Peter, hello. 250 00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:12,690 Oh, Alan, have you met Peter? 251 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,159 He's revamped News and Current Affairs. 252 00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:19,480 - Chris... - Just two minutes. 253 00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:21,879 - Bad day. - Yeah. Mmm. 254 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,480 Ironic, really. He worked in television his whole life 255 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,399 died getting an aerial off a roof. 256 00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:31,720 So in the end it was television that killed him. 257 00:14:32,279 --> 00:14:34,669 Very good. Have you got a battery for an Erickson? 258 00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:36,350 No. 259 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,330 I wonder if he's up there now, looking down on us. 260 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,419 What, on the roof? 261 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:46,450 Oh, I see. You mean in Heaven with the apostles. 262 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,070 The interesting thing about News and Current Affairs... 263 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,929 Would it be rude to stop listening to you and speak to somebody else? 264 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,570 No, fine. 265 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:01,600 Jane. 266 00:15:01,919 --> 00:15:04,340 - Chris? - Oh, Alan. 267 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,840 - Have you met Jane? - Yeah. I've done her. 268 00:15:07,279 --> 00:15:08,440 Oh, good. 269 00:15:08,759 --> 00:15:11,250 - Chris, can l...? - Just two minutes. 270 00:15:11,759 --> 00:15:12,990 He keeps saying that. 271 00:15:15,799 --> 00:15:18,289 Just tying to think of something to say. 272 00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:20,029 There's nothing to say. 273 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,940 - Well... - No. There's nothing you can say. 274 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,759 Hang on, hang on. 275 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,480 It's all... 276 00:15:31,399 --> 00:15:33,120 a pain in the arse, isn't it? 277 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,210 Have you got a battery for an Erickson? 278 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,419 - No! - No, of course not. 279 00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:42,620 Is something the matter? 280 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,029 Um, I want to go and talk to him over there. 281 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,389 Well, go and talk to him! 282 00:15:48,799 --> 00:15:49,960 Thank you. 283 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,539 Chris, can we have a chat? 284 00:15:54,919 --> 00:15:56,740 Yes, of course, Alan. 285 00:15:57,159 --> 00:15:59,759 - Dreadful business. - Oh, awful. Awful business. 286 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,529 - Can you see me tomorrow? - I'd love to. 287 00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:08,970 - I need to pick your brains. - Pick away. 288 00:16:09,399 --> 00:16:11,190 - You've got the common touch. - Thank you. 289 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,350 You've been away too long. 290 00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:16,570 Alan, I want you back on the telly. 291 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,519 Jurassic Park! 292 00:16:19,639 --> 00:16:22,519 That is fantastic, you know. Great. 293 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,399 - The old team, eh? - Absolutely. Yeah. 294 00:16:25,879 --> 00:16:27,110 I'll see you tomorrow. 295 00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:30,690 Terrible news, terrible news. 296 00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:33,860 # Life isn't everything... # 297 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,399 # Life, it's the name of the game, 298 00:16:38,879 --> 00:16:41,019 # And I want to play the game with you 299 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,960 # Ba da da da-da da-da da da da... # 300 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,000 - How was your...? - Bam! 301 00:16:48,159 --> 00:16:49,600 How was your day, Alan? 302 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,799 I went to a funeral, which was very sad, 303 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,639 and then I popped into Hi-Fi Serious 304 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,350 to pick up a top-of-the-range Bang & Olufsen stereo system. 305 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,279 - Do you like it? - Well, it's in a box. 306 00:17:02,759 --> 00:17:04,410 A bit like Tony Hayers. 307 00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:08,220 Susan, will you go out with me? 308 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:09,910 No. 309 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,750 If I was young and more attractive? 310 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,119 Yes, I think I probably would. 311 00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:18,140 I'd better go and build that time-travel gymnasium, then. 312 00:17:18,799 --> 00:17:22,029 I'll come back aged 25, built like a brick shit-house. 313 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,359 Then you'll kiss me. 314 00:17:24,759 --> 00:17:28,130 If you will excuse me, Alan? I have to leave the desk unattended. 315 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,740 Hello, Mr Partridge. 316 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,329 I'll have to make two trips. I keep dropping bits. 317 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,980 I'll go and get your other bits. 318 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:41,339 Bang & Olufsen? Wow, that's serious, man. Whose is it? 319 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,390 It's mine. 320 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:46,569 I didn't know you were into music. I've heard your show. 321 00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:50,240 Yeah. I like all the bands. 322 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:51,970 I've got a broad taste, 323 00:17:52,319 --> 00:17:55,369 from the Brit-pop bands like UB4O, Def leppard, 324 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,400 right back to classic rock, like Wings. 325 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:01,480 Who's Wings? 326 00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:04,680 They're only the band The Beatles could have been. 327 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,200 - I love The Beatles. - Yeah. So do I. 328 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,200 - What's your favourite Beatles album? - Tough one. 329 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,559 I think I'd have to say The Best of The Beatles. 330 00:18:15,519 --> 00:18:16,960 - Gum? - Yeah. Cheers. 331 00:18:17,319 --> 00:18:20,650 So who's your favourite singer, then? 332 00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:25,460 Oh, anything really, you know. Frank Sinatra. Kurt Cobain. 333 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,940 - Who's he? - Nirvana. Blew his head off? 334 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,109 - Why? - He was depressed. 335 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,869 - Why? Were they not very good? - No, they were great. 336 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,200 Someone should have told him. 337 00:18:38,599 --> 00:18:40,180 Hello again. Oh, what's that? 338 00:18:40,559 --> 00:18:41,960 Bang & Olufsen. 339 00:18:42,319 --> 00:18:43,900 (HE LAUGHS) 340 00:18:44,759 --> 00:18:46,789 Ben, can you take this up to my room? 341 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,200 - Yeah. Sure. No problem. - Cheers. 342 00:18:53,079 --> 00:18:55,079 - I'll hold the door for you. - Thank you. 343 00:18:55,519 --> 00:18:57,410 - Hold tight. - Yeah. 344 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:10,730 Nearly there. 345 00:19:15,079 --> 00:19:16,450 Unbelievable. 346 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,500 Join in, then. 347 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,519 So, Chris, what's your strategy? 348 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,539 God alone knows, Alan. 349 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,990 Can I say one word to you? Streamlining. 350 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,859 - That's sacking people. - Well, basically, yeah. 351 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,819 Well, where do I start? 352 00:19:37,319 --> 00:19:39,599 Who was that man who was boring me at the funeral? 353 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,849 Peter? He's just revamped News and Current Affairs. 354 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,119 Yeah, but he's finished now. 355 00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:48,079 So give him a painting of a Spitfire and let him go. 356 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,420 OK. 357 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:53,690 And Susan Pickardy? You know her? 358 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:57,490 Oh, yeah. Documentaries. Feminist with the flat chest. 359 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,359 She doesn't have that problem, does she? 360 00:20:01,799 --> 00:20:03,410 Don't crush them, Lynn! 361 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,089 How are you? Did you get married? 362 00:20:07,519 --> 00:20:10,259 - No. - I got divorced, you know. 363 00:20:10,799 --> 00:20:13,609 I'm sure Lynn would be happy to go for a drink with you, 364 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,259 - if that'll help things. - Yes, yes. 365 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,119 Make a note of that, Lynn. 366 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,650 Go for drink with Head of Programmes. 367 00:20:22,759 --> 00:20:24,859 Great. Well, let's get down to business. 368 00:20:25,319 --> 00:20:27,210 Can we talk about... 369 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:28,839 me? 370 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,650 Yeah. All right. What can I do for you? 371 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,599 Right. Bottom line, Chris. 372 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,029 I want a six-month contract at the BBC to make television programmes. 373 00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:41,289 No. I'm not going to give you a six-month contract. 374 00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:44,119 You're just like all the rest, aren't you? 375 00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:46,490 You sit there on your fat behind, 376 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,009 in a dead man's chair leching at her like a piece of meat... 377 00:20:50,599 --> 00:20:53,970 Alan, Alan! I'm not going to give you a six-month contract, 378 00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:57,230 because I have prepared a five-year one. 379 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,150 Uh? 380 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,680 That's brilliant. 381 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:09,259 £200,OOO a year. 382 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,369 That's a million pounds! 383 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,910 Jurassic Park. 384 00:21:15,759 --> 00:21:18,779 I'm sorry for saying you were fat. You're just big-boned. 385 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:20,549 That's all right. 386 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,339 Let's celebrate! Let's get a bottle of Bolly. 387 00:21:23,839 --> 00:21:26,259 Sod that. Let's have some champagne. 388 00:21:26,759 --> 00:21:28,480 On me. Go on, Lynn. Go and get it. 389 00:21:29,599 --> 00:21:30,829 Right, then. 390 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,980 (GASPING COUGH) 391 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,490 I suppose you want to check the small print. 392 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,160 Come on, Chris. You've seen dozens of contracts like that. 393 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:50,490 Oh, no! 394 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,119 Oh, no. 395 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,119 Chris? 396 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,539 Chris! 397 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,769 Oh, God! Um... 398 00:22:10,319 --> 00:22:12,529 Hello, Chris. Are you dead? 399 00:22:14,559 --> 00:22:16,349 Oh, God! 400 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,450 Just finish signing it there. 401 00:22:37,599 --> 00:22:39,460 Just like that. 402 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,200 Tedious, all this contract business. 403 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,869 Oh, you've got the date wrong there. Just initial that. 404 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,779 And my copy. 405 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,539 Here's to the future. 406 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,259 Sorry. 407 00:22:59,319 --> 00:23:02,869 Do you think that's all right? Not too sentimental? Excellent. 408 00:23:03,519 --> 00:23:05,380 - Do you want to put something on? - Yes. 409 00:23:05,799 --> 00:23:08,220 I'll just go and check the party bags. 410 00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:11,029 (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) 411 00:23:14,839 --> 00:23:16,630 What's this, Lynn? 412 00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:20,269 - The theme tune from "Black Beauty". - It's brilliant. 413 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,069 (KNOCKING) 414 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,349 - Hello. Michael. - Aye aye, Mr Partridge. 415 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,339 Michael, do you want me to take that? 416 00:23:29,839 --> 00:23:31,730 No. I'll stick with it, man. 417 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,109 It does preclude you from the alcohol that I've provided. 418 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,569 I'm all right with the scrumpy! 419 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,259 Right. 420 00:23:39,599 --> 00:23:41,000 That's a nice shirt. 421 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:43,710 I got married in this. I got it from Manila. 422 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,130 - I didn't know you were married. - Aye. 423 00:23:46,559 --> 00:23:48,559 A Filipino lassie. It didn't work out. 424 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,630 She didn't like Newcastle or the culture. 425 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,700 Has she gone back home? 426 00:23:54,079 --> 00:23:55,829 No. She moved to Sunderland. 427 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,220 - She's shacked up with my brother. - Oh, right. 428 00:23:59,799 --> 00:24:02,779 Michael, would you like a miniature scotch egg? 429 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:05,460 Not for me. I've got a steak and kidney pie. 430 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,130 I've sat on the bastard. Would you believe it? 431 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,029 Can you keep an eye on him? 432 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,920 Yes. (KNOCKING) 433 00:24:14,279 --> 00:24:16,140 - Thank God for that. - Aye aye. 434 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:19,109 Hello. 435 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,059 - Come in. - Thank you very much. 436 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,240 - Want a glass of wine? - Thank you very much. Cheers. 437 00:24:31,759 --> 00:24:35,059 - What's he doing here? - You said invite a guest. 438 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,710 That's just a phrase. I didn't mean it. 439 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,319 Nice room. 440 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,500 So who are you? 441 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,779 Mike Sampson. Pleased to meet you. 442 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,990 I'm Michael an' all. 443 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,089 So have you got a job? 444 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,829 Oh, yes. I supply fitted kitchens. 445 00:24:52,319 --> 00:24:55,410 The funny thing is I've been in the business for 15 years, 446 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,509 but I can't actually cook! 447 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,039 This cookery book wouldn't be much use to me! 448 00:25:04,559 --> 00:25:08,390 Mr Partridge, he sells kitchens for 15 years, but he can't cook. 449 00:25:09,079 --> 00:25:10,730 I know. I heard him. 450 00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:13,400 Then he says, "That cookbook would be nae good for me"! 451 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,200 I know. I heard him. 452 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,569 Come on, lighten up, you stuffy git. 453 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,890 Lynn, this is terrible. This is terrible. 454 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,430 (KNOCKING) Oh, good, great. 455 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,769 Oh, the cavalry. Come on in. 456 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,609 Look at the sign. It says, "Thank you, staff, and goodbye". 457 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,269 - Marvellous. - It's all happening now. 458 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,680 This is Michael. He sells kitchens. 459 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,140 How do you do? I was just saying, I sell kitchens, 460 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,680 but I can't actually cook myself! 461 00:25:43,799 --> 00:25:46,750 Then he spies that cookbook and says, "It'd be nae use to me"! 462 00:25:47,319 --> 00:25:48,930 He's crackers, man. 463 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,369 So, Mike, where do you live? 464 00:25:52,799 --> 00:25:55,049 Oh, I come from Acton in West london. 465 00:25:55,519 --> 00:25:58,009 - Is that nice? - Yes, it's quite nice. 466 00:25:58,519 --> 00:26:00,200 A few too many blacks! 467 00:26:03,839 --> 00:26:05,140 l hope you don't mind, 468 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,180 it's just some people find what you said a bit racist. 469 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,440 - Party bag. - Oh, thank you. Bye bye. 470 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,670 - Watch the fire hose. - Whoo! 471 00:26:24,079 --> 00:26:27,450 # Oh, rattling roaring Willy is he He's off to the BBC 472 00:26:28,079 --> 00:26:30,289 # Oh, rattling roaring Willy is he He's off to the BBC 473 00:26:30,759 --> 00:26:32,859 # Oh, Willy goes there and Willy goes there and there 474 00:26:33,319 --> 00:26:35,920 # Willy goes there and Willy goes there and there... # 475 00:26:37,759 --> 00:26:39,130 Extraordinary. 476 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,960 So what do people think 477 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,319 about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? 478 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,859 Oh, aye. I reckon it's a really good idea, like. 479 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,180 - You're wrong. - Oh, man. What about, you know... 480 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,750 mothers with pushchairs and little bairns. 481 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:57,529 You've got a lot to learn. 482 00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,950 No. It's you that's got a lot to learn! 483 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:04,440 Michael! Michael, Mr Partridge is still a guest in this hotel. 484 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,210 I think you've had just a little too much to drink, 485 00:27:08,799 --> 00:27:11,329 and maybe it's time that you should leave. 486 00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,450 If that's how you feel. 487 00:27:13,839 --> 00:27:15,450 Now, you two can stop giggling. 488 00:27:15,839 --> 00:27:17,700 Don't know what her problem is. 489 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:20,539 I'll tell you what my problem is! 490 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,920 Having to listen to your crap for the last six months! 491 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:29,119 You've been in this hotel for 182 days, you little shit! 492 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,859 Ben, Sophie, I want you in reception. 493 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:35,009 And you! 494 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,140 Check out is twelve noon tomorrow! 495 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,430 Do you want one of these? 496 00:27:41,519 --> 00:27:42,779 A sanitary bag?! 497 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,079 What are you tying to say?! 498 00:27:52,519 --> 00:27:54,269 I think that went quite well. 499 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,539 Shall we clear up? I fancy an early night. 500 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,720 Shall I put "Black Beauty" on again? 501 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:03,789 Yes. We can clear up while we listen to "Black Beauty". 502 00:28:06,279 --> 00:28:08,099 (MUSIC PLAYS) 503 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,779 - Down the sink? - Yep. 504 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,390 Down the sink.