1
00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:04,589
(WOMAN) "I enjoyed "The Hobbit"
more than "Riverdance"

2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,789
"and I think lots of boys on an island
killing a fat boy"

3
00:00:09,439 --> 00:00:13,720
is not so enjoyable
as GandaIf with a long white beard,

4
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,690
OK. If you've just joined us,
we're talking about who is the best lord.

5
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:24,640
"Lord Of The Rings", "Of The Dance"
or "Of The Flies". That's tonight's "Hot Topic".

6
00:00:25,519 --> 00:00:27,269
Hot Topic!

7
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:32,000
The votes are closed and "The Rings"
and "The Flies" have been trounced

8
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:37,079
by the quick feet
of blouse-wearing tycoon Michael Flatley.

9
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,770
"Flatley, my dear, I don't Riverdance....
Give a damn."

10
00:00:43,399 --> 00:00:47,539
It's 11 p.m. Time for "Alan's Love Asylum".

11
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,740
Alan's Love Asylum

12
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,490
(ROARING)

13
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,289
It's basically sex music.

14
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,890
See you later!

15
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:10,760
That was the Corrs - three little birds
I think we'd all like to...prey upon

16
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,709
and steal their eggs.

17
00:01:14,159 --> 00:01:18,060
I'm off. I leave you
in the capable hands of Dave Clifton,

18
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,200
who's with you till 4 a.m. with his "Nightclub".

19
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:26,489
- What have you got lined up?
- It's ladies' night tonight.

20
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:30,780
- Maybe a wet T-shirt competition?
- You never know!

21
00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,719
How does that work on radio?

22
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:39,680
You've got to use your imagination, Alan.
There's a lot of ladies in here tonight.

23
00:01:40,599 --> 00:01:42,180
(WOMAN CHEER)

24
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,230
Steady, girls. Ooh, I'm all wet!

25
00:01:46,599 --> 00:01:50,739
- I can hear 'em. I can't see 'em.
- That's because you're not on...

26
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,599
- I'm off for a mushroom slice.
- Get me one, chum.

27
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,849
Let's open the "Nightclub" tonight, folks,
with Jo Boxers.

28
00:02:01,519 --> 00:02:04,959
- Two Flavia frothy cappuccinos coming up.
- You're a gentleman.

29
00:02:05,599 --> 00:02:08,300
There's that idiot in the black Hillman Imp.

30
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:14,039
Is he going to get petrol? No.
He's just using the forecourt to turn round.

31
00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:19,590
- He thinks he's Rod Stewart!
- Your road safety video's doing well.

32
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,719
- "Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video"?
- We've sold three. More than your book.

33
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:30,819
Unfortunately, people would rather watch
clips of idiots driving cars like maniacs

34
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:36,639
than a book which has been described as
and I quote, "lovely stuff."

35
00:02:37,479 --> 00:02:41,199
Not my words, Michael.
The words of Shakin' Stevens.

36
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,379
- You could always reduce the price.
- Again?

37
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:50,069
You're not pushing them hard enough.
Pretend I'm a customer.

38
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,259
- Hello.
- What pump number?

39
00:02:53,759 --> 00:02:55,159
Um...

40
00:02:56,479 --> 00:03:00,800
Three. No, no... Four. It doesn't matter, does it?

41
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:05,669
Four. No, three. It's got the paper towels.
I like three.

42
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,650
- Would you also like this book?
- What's it about?

43
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:16,460
It's about this local fella what used to be on TV
but he wasn't very good, so now he's not.

44
00:03:17,319 --> 00:03:21,460
He went right down and hit rock bottom
and now he's on his way back up.

45
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:25,919
He'll never get back to where he was,
but he's coming back.

46
00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:30,150
- That sounds depressing.
- Just the petrol, then?

47
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:36,949
Your sales technique is awful. And you're
low on Bodyline Brushable Joint Sealer.

48
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:43,099
Captain Partridge, would you look after the fort
while I go on a resupply mission?

49
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,509
You work in a petrol station. It's not the GuIf War.

50
00:03:48,159 --> 00:03:51,669
Which, ironically, is like a large petrol station.

51
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:59,750
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away
Sail away, sail away... ♪

52
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:04,629
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Sorry. I'm not Enya.

53
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,990
- Pump number three.
- Good pump.

54
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:16,699
"F Raphael." Funny. I used to have
a teacher at school called Frank Raphael.

55
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,850
Sweaty Raphael we used to call him.
Great big stains under his armpits.

56
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,230
It's you. How the devil are you?

57
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,519
- Alan Partridge.
- The very same. What are you up to?

58
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:33,519
I'm still at the old school
but I'm the headmaster now.

59
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,649
- Good call.
- I remember you.

60
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:41,509
- Didn't you used to be on television?
- Yeah. I got out of it. Unpleasant people.

61
00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,100
Bitter bastards.

62
00:04:44,519 --> 00:04:47,360
Yes. In education authorities
you find those as well.

63
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,220
I think every profession has its shits.

64
00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:56,860
Sorry about the bad language.
Actually, I don't have to apologise, do l? Big balls!

65
00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,470
Fanny hair!

66
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,110
- And a bag of Minstrels.
- Ooh.

67
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,189
Yeah. We all sweat. I used to sweat like a zoo.

68
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:14,860
Although you sweated, you didn't smell.
That was another teacher - Kacky Raphael.

69
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,230
That's you as well.
Shoot me now with a massive gun!

70
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:25,579
You once caned me for having a chalk penis
drawn on the back of my blazer.

71
00:05:26,399 --> 00:05:30,790
- That was a long time ago, Alan.
- That's what Nazi war criminals say.

72
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:37,819
I bumped into another old boy recently -
Tony Spillane.

73
00:05:38,519 --> 00:05:41,290
He gave a talk to our sixth-formers.

74
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:45,029
You realise there's no way
I could have drawn a penis on my back?

75
00:05:45,639 --> 00:05:48,899
Ask yourself two questions - how and why?

76
00:05:49,519 --> 00:05:52,259
- Lovely to see you.
- I could give a talk.

77
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:57,050
If we need someone to talk
about working in a petrol station, I'll be onto you.

78
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,790
(BUZZER)

79
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:06,290
- Do you think I work in a petrol station?
- Well, I just paid you for petrol.

80
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:11,250
This is the man that runs the place.
Well, he's the work Geordie.

81
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:16,879
- He's always been at this level.
- Aye. When I was in the army...

82
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,759
Whatever. I'm doing much better than him.

83
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:26,170
I left the BBC, formed a production company.
That went into liquidation, voluntarily.

84
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,550
Then I was out of work for two years,
clinically fed up, boo-hoo...

85
00:06:31,199 --> 00:06:34,709
- Why do I need to know this?
- Because I've bounced back.

86
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:40,629
People bounce back.
Dennis Hopper, RoIf Harris... There are others.

87
00:06:41,519 --> 00:06:45,449
- Can I get to my car?
- It's not going anywhere. It's not Herbie.

88
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:50,160
The point is, I now have
the third best slot on Radio Norwich

89
00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:55,550
I have a military-based quiz show on cable TV
called "Skirmish", and a girlfriend.

90
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,980
- I think your pupils will want to know.
- I'll be in touch.

91
00:07:00,639 --> 00:07:05,100
If we set it up now,
then Michael can press the button to let you go.

92
00:07:05,879 --> 00:07:08,899
- Would you like this book?
- Not now, Michael...

93
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,810
All right. Why don't you
give a talk on Wednesday evening?

94
00:07:13,439 --> 00:07:15,509
Michael, release the headmaster.

95
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,639
- Yoo-hoo!
- Hello, Lynn. Would you like a coffee?

96
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:29,560
Coffee machines are the future, Lynn.
Kettles are sad.

97
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,839
What do you think of the polo neck?
Balls out of the bath on this one.

98
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,470
- I think it's snazzy.
- I think your hair's snazzy.

99
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,019
- Is your mother's money coming through?
- Yes.

100
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,949
All part of the bereavement dividend.

101
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,410
I changed her sheets every day for ten years.

102
00:07:49,879 --> 00:07:54,689
I don't know how you managed it.
She was a bit of a heffalump, God rest her soul.

103
00:07:55,519 --> 00:08:01,560
She was a big woman. I'm tempted to say
she was big-hearted, but that would be bullshit.

104
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,089
- Lynn, make for the banquette.
- Thank you.

105
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,439
Thanks for changing the gas bottles.
I heard you clinking.

106
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,449
What have you got?
Shoot from your hip - your new hip.

107
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:24,170
You've got a meeting with Meteor
about "Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video 2".

108
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:29,149
- Do you need me there?
- I don't need you. I'd like you there.

109
00:08:29,879 --> 00:08:34,019
You don't like Meteor
because they make wet T-shirt videos.

110
00:08:34,759 --> 00:08:36,929
It's not hardcore super sex.

111
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:43,570
If you'd taken the trouble
to watch "Boob Olympics"...

112
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,559
..as I have, then you'd realise
that there is a competitive element.

113
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,029
If it makes you happy.

114
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:57,179
The money that pays for the black granite
work surfaces, the brass dimmer switches

115
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:02,179
your eight grand a year...all comes from Meteor,

116
00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:07,730
who happen to produce "Boob Olympics",
"The Eurovision Thong Contest"

117
00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:10,379
and "Wet Christmas".

118
00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:15,860
- All right, guys?
- All right?

119
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,179
- See the match?
- Which one?

120
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,350
Don't know.

121
00:09:21,639 --> 00:09:24,269
- How's it going, Mr Partridge?
- Yeah, cool.

122
00:09:24,799 --> 00:09:28,490
- You see what I done in the toilet?
- How do you mean?

123
00:09:29,159 --> 00:09:30,980
- I retiled it.
- Right.

124
00:09:31,399 --> 00:09:34,070
- We've got something for you.
- Oh, yeah?

125
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,389
Stick this on.

126
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,080
There is a serious reason why I'm wearing this.

127
00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:50,210
Insurance. And, no offence, Lynn...

128
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,629
- None taken.
- You don't know what I'm going to say.

129
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,889
Wait till I've said it
before you decide not to take offence.

130
00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:02,840
No offence, Lynn,
but your life is technically not worth insuring.

131
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:09,080
- Can we talk about the office?
- I'd like it to double as a chill-out room.

132
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,850
- I didn't think you were a raver.
- I'm not. I'm straight.

133
00:10:18,639 --> 00:10:22,330
I've got a girlfriend. She's only 33.

134
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,990
Cashback.

135
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,340
Yeah...

136
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,649
Between you and me,

137
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,259
there are things I do with Sonja that
I would never have done with my ex-wife Carol.

138
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,159
Occasionally, I dost venture south.

139
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:49,779
And when I go south, it's like a breath of fresh air.

140
00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:54,769
But two years ago, I was a mess.
I'd put on weight. I had breasts.

141
00:10:56,159 --> 00:10:58,970
I bet they were the only ones you copped hold of!

142
00:10:59,519 --> 00:11:04,120
They were, actually.
I was repellent to women for two years.

143
00:11:04,919 --> 00:11:10,120
Running along with my breasts with tassels.
You can't make them go that way.

144
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,850
Imagine dreaming about that and waking up
screaming, 'cause that's what happened.

145
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:22,360
- Hi, Alan. Hello, Lynn. Hello, builders.
- I told you. Watch.

146
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:27,779
See? She's not stopping me.

147
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,580
Brilliant story to tell.
I was in the coffee shop where I work.

148
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,429
A man came in and said he wanted coffee.

149
00:11:37,039 --> 00:11:41,429
He was smelly man. Tomek did not like him.
Tomek said we didn't have any coffee.

150
00:11:46,399 --> 00:11:48,929
And then the man just went!

151
00:11:52,159 --> 00:11:55,210
- I don't understand the joke.
- Drop it, Lynn.

152
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:01,519
It's a coffee shop, but one man says
to another man, "You can't have a coffee..."

153
00:12:02,279 --> 00:12:04,600
That is the story.

154
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:09,289
- But it don't make sense, does it?
- Help me out, mate.

155
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,700
- very funny story.
- Yes, it's a funny story.

156
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,120
I think those stories are best in the caravan.

157
00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,299
- I have question for builder.
- Let's go now. Grab her, Lynn.

158
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,370
Guess which one of you two ladies
I'm going to make love with now.

159
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,529
I'll just go on up to the club
and meet that video woman.

160
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,990
See you later.

161
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,629
Come on, Sonja. Let's be appalling.

162
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,960
Lynn, I reckon 4O-45 minutes. How long?

163
00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:56,519
About that.

164
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:01,350
Make it an hour. I want to have
a shower before and, ideally, afterwards.

165
00:13:13,879 --> 00:13:16,129
- Hi!
- Oh, Alan!

166
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,580
Stay down.

167
00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:24,429
Sorry I'm late.
Had to have a shower. Got a bit clammy.

168
00:13:27,519 --> 00:13:28,710
Yeah.

169
00:13:29,759 --> 00:13:31,899
So... How have you been, Alan?

170
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,889
Ruddy bloody good, actually.

171
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,809
- His panic attacks have all but stopped.
- Thanks, Lynn.

172
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,850
- Mum, I want my GameBoy.
- Excuse me. What's his name?

173
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,250
- It's Todd.
- Seriously?

174
00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:49,820
Hello, Todd. Snazzy jeans you've got on.

175
00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,570
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

176
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,090
There is zero tolerance on denim in the bar?

177
00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:04,259
- Yes.
- There's a chap there wearing jeans.

178
00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:10,090
- Chap of about six.
- Right, sir.

179
00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,240
They're lovely at that age.

180
00:14:13,759 --> 00:14:17,519
Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis!

181
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,750
But with excellent facilities...as had the Nazis.

182
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,710
- Shall we start?
- Yes.

183
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,049
The last video was called
"Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video",

184
00:14:29,759 --> 00:14:34,610
and this video will feature helicopters
pursuing these bad prats across fields,

185
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,769
so a better title would be "Scum On The Run".

186
00:14:40,799 --> 00:14:44,940
- You all right, Lynn?
- Lynn doesn't like the old watersports.

187
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:48,450
- We don't do that.
- The wet T-shirt things.

188
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,120
- That's not watersports.
- What's watersports?

189
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,350
- You don't know?
- No, I don't.

190
00:14:55,879 --> 00:15:00,200
- You don't know what watersports are?
- I believe we've established that.

191
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,549
- Well...
- Tell me what you mean by "watersports".

192
00:15:06,159 --> 00:15:09,669
It's when people relieve themselves
on each other.

193
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,409
(WHISTLES)

194
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:38,019
Did you know
that there are no Dutch elms left in Britain?

195
00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:41,899
Completely wiped out.

196
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,059
Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

197
00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:53,419
- Perhaps those people were caught short.
- They do it on purpose, Lynn!

198
00:15:57,279 --> 00:16:01,879
That's the small talk over with.
let's go on to the thorny issue of the fee.

199
00:16:02,679 --> 00:16:04,500
No. There's no negotiation.

200
00:16:04,919 --> 00:16:10,009
Siobhan, you don't just get some guy
who used to be on TV presenting a cheap video.

201
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:15,789
You do get that, but you also get my voice.

202
00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:18,269
Let me remind you.

203
00:16:18,679 --> 00:16:22,649
"Britain has some of the safest roads
in Europe, but this isn't Britain.

204
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,480
(GERMAN ACCENT) "This is the Autobahn."

205
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,399
I bring an element of humour.

206
00:16:29,879 --> 00:16:33,919
Alan, I just can't move on the fee.
You know we love your work.

207
00:16:34,639 --> 00:16:38,500
And I love your videos of women in bikinis
being hosed down in car parks.

208
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,029
- It's a bit more tasteful than that.
- It's called "Titsnade Zoo".

209
00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:48,090
- Alan, I am not negotiating.
- But I am.

210
00:16:48,679 --> 00:16:52,049
- Then you'll be negotiating on your own.
- So be it.

211
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,580
That doesn't work.

212
00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:00,389
Lovely to see you, Lynn.

213
00:17:00,799 --> 00:17:05,960
Why not have me chased down the street
by a helicopter in wet underpants?

214
00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:11,859
I mean me, not the helicopter -
though some sicko would probably buy that!

215
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,420
A big helicopter in giant underpants.

216
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:20,380
Or a plane in a giant bra
having a slash on an airport.

217
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,910
Why did you say I had panic attacks?
You made it sound like I had a breakdown.

218
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,950
You did. You drove up to Dundee in bare feet.

219
00:17:33,559 --> 00:17:36,190
Lynn! I know what really happened.

220
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,650
You make me sound mad now.
Say I didn't have a breakdown.

221
00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:44,480
- You didn't have a breakdown.
- I know.

222
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,880
Let's get a couple of Soleros.
I need to get my head together.

223
00:17:50,559 --> 00:17:54,910
- There goes Siobhan.
- I'm going to box her in at the squash court!

224
00:17:56,079 --> 00:17:57,869
(SHOUTS)

225
00:17:58,279 --> 00:18:00,769
I'm OK. Your air bag went off. Why didn't mine?

226
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:04,509
- I can't move my head.
- Calm down, Lynn!

227
00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,529
- It's not moving.
- Calm down! Air! Air!

228
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:13,339
Calm down, Lynn!
You're suffering from minor women's whiplash.

229
00:18:14,079 --> 00:18:17,130
Your air bag's deployed. Mine hasn't.

230
00:18:19,039 --> 00:18:20,369
Oh.

231
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,829
- You haven't got whiplash.
- I know.

232
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,569
My head was in contact with the headrest.

233
00:18:29,039 --> 00:18:32,480
You were leaning forwards
with your handbag like that.

234
00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,950
- Are you all right?
- I've just got minor whiplash.

235
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,609
- I told her that.
- You need to take her to a hospital, Alan.

236
00:18:42,319 --> 00:18:45,369
I know. This has put things in perspective.

237
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:50,029
I will now do the video
for the same amount as last time to help Lynn.

238
00:18:50,759 --> 00:18:54,380
Alan, take her to hospital and we'll chat later.

239
00:18:55,039 --> 00:18:59,359
This was probably caught on CCTV camera.
I'll throw the footage in gratis.

240
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,329
You can start off with a small collision like this
then build to a big one,

241
00:19:05,079 --> 00:19:10,279
like a huge lorry sliding along
on its back for ages. I'm babbling.

242
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,720
All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

243
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,410
She goes on a bit.

244
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,480
It's weird, this air bag. All that powder
on your face, you look like a clown.

245
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,410
Don't smile. You've broken your neck.

246
00:19:29,319 --> 00:19:34,240
Here we are. Make yourselves comfortable
and I'll give you a shout when we're ready.

247
00:19:35,079 --> 00:19:38,660
Anything you need, just let me know.
Or you, Mrs Partridge.

248
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,230
She's not my wife! I hate it when that happens.

249
00:19:43,839 --> 00:19:46,369
Can you pop to the shops and get me...

250
00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:50,210
..two packets of Toffos?

251
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:58,230
- Phil Wiley. We were at school together.
- Yes. You were in my class.

252
00:19:59,079 --> 00:20:01,250
- Alison Partridge!
- No. Alan.

253
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,980
- Alison's what we called you.
- I didn't know that.

254
00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:09,329
What are you doing hanging round a school?

255
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,539
- I'm one of the big boys now.
- What, a prefect?

256
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,480
- I teach here.
- I see.

257
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,960
Do you remember catching me
in that darkroom snogging that lab assistant?

258
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,930
- What on earth were you doing there?
- Developing photographs.

259
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,279
That's what it was for.

260
00:20:29,799 --> 00:20:32,430
Remember the day that you got caned?

261
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:39,180
Yeah. I got a chalk penis drawn on me
by some shit. I'd love to get my hands on him.

262
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,829
- That was me.
- I know it was.

263
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:48,450
I admire you teachers. You're very heroic
to do what you do for such rubbish money.

264
00:20:49,319 --> 00:20:51,849
Exactly how much do you teachers earn?

265
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:56,680
I'm earning more than you think.
I'm head of modern languages.

266
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,069
(SPEAKS GERMAN)

267
00:21:00,599 --> 00:21:01,900
Yeah.

268
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,130
I've got a girlfriend.

269
00:21:09,759 --> 00:21:12,710
- I've got a wife.
- Is she older than you or younger?

270
00:21:13,279 --> 00:21:17,319
- She's older than me. She's 52.
- My girlfriend's 33.

271
00:21:18,039 --> 00:21:21,970
I'm 47. She's 14 years younger than me.
Back of the net!

272
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,589
I'll put you in this room and get the kids.

273
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,119
Don't draw a cock!

274
00:21:34,599 --> 00:21:38,740
Hi, kids. It's great to be back in my fine old school.

275
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:44,150
I nearly sent my son Fernando here,
but I was able to educate him privately.

276
00:21:45,839 --> 00:21:48,509
You can't muck about with your own kids.

277
00:21:49,039 --> 00:21:51,069
Let me tell you about myself.

278
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:57,000
I present a military-based quiz show
on a daytime digital channel called UK Conquest.

279
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,339
It's got 8,OOO viewers.

280
00:22:00,839 --> 00:22:05,230
To put that in perspective,
it's 11 times the population of Hemsby.

281
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,809
Basically, terrestrial TV is a dead duck,
and who watches a dead duck?

282
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,609
Not even its mother. She just flies off depressed.

283
00:22:16,319 --> 00:22:21,130
I want to show you an example
of the kind of sell-through video that I make.

284
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:26,910
There are some strobe effects in this
so any epileptics, get out now.

285
00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:31,519
Statistically, one of you is,
and two of you are gay.

286
00:22:33,279 --> 00:22:36,539
If you are gay, please remember...rubber up.

287
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,470
At your age, it's still illegal.
You don't want to end up in prison.

288
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:47,089
Those guys don't care how old you are,
or if you're gay.

289
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,539
This was filmed two years ago
and I have let myself go a little.

290
00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:56,759
Crash!

291
00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:58,980
Bang!

292
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,569
Wallop!

293
00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:03,900
What a video,

294
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:11,049
Hi, I'm Alan Partridge and I drive a car,
But not like this.

295
00:23:16,079 --> 00:23:19,269
Let's see what this idiot did.. in America.

296
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,650
Thankfully, that man was plastic.

297
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,250
Stop giggling or I'll take down your particulars.

298
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,440
But what if he hadn't been plastic?

299
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,130
(ROCK MUSIC)

300
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:10,289
I'd like to thank Alan for a very interesting talk.
Are there any questions?

301
00:24:11,079 --> 00:24:16,099
This guy caned me for drawing a chalk penis
on my back, which I couldn't possibly do.

302
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:21,769
- We'll be having coffee next door.
- I'll show you. It's impossible. Watch.

303
00:24:29,039 --> 00:24:31,000
- See?
- But you've done it.

304
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:36,599
Yours had hairs at the base
and a dotted line emanating from the crown.

305
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:43,769
This guy got the lab assistant pregnant.
He never sees the kid.

306
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:51,289
Back of the net.

307
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:57,019
What an appalling thing to say.
You've put me in an invidious position.

308
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:02,000
- Don't know that word.
- You leave, we're left with the detritus.

309
00:25:02,759 --> 00:25:06,059
Knock it off with the fancy words. It went tits up.

310
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,440
You speak like you're from the 19th century.
And you sweat.

311
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,450
I'd like to see you sweat over your work.

312
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,589
I don't because I use Lynx Africa.

313
00:25:21,559 --> 00:25:25,109
- Gonna cane me?
- No, but I might throw a chair at you.

314
00:25:25,759 --> 00:25:29,089
It's still corporal punishment.
See you in Strasbourg.

315
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:36,759
Tonight we're talking about coffee.
They're opening a Starbucks on Beachy Head.

316
00:25:37,559 --> 00:25:41,490
Nice. Have cup of coffee,
put a spring in your step.

317
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:47,119
Spring in your step's the last thing you need
on a cliff. It's a suicide hot spot.

318
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,960
What, Starbucks?

319
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,789
- How can you kill yourself in Starbucks?
- Shotgun in your mouth?

320
00:25:56,559 --> 00:25:58,630
Alan, there's that teacher chap.

321
00:25:59,079 --> 00:26:01,779
Michael, if he hits me, will you hit him?

322
00:26:02,319 --> 00:26:06,529
No. I cannot hit customers. I've been told.
I'll go and get some stock.

323
00:26:07,279 --> 00:26:09,839
Yeah. Chicken stock!

324
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,170
- Hello, Alan.
- Lynn, hand me an apple pie.

325
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,230
- leave the theatre of conflict.
- What do you mean?

326
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,049
Go and stand by the Yakults.

327
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,369
The temperature inside this apple turnover
is 1,OOO degrees.

328
00:26:26,079 --> 00:26:30,819
If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple
is going to squirt out.

329
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,339
Could go your way, could go mine.

330
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:39,380
- Either way, one of us is going down.
- Alan, I've come to make peace.

331
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,410
- Not kick my head in?
- No. I think we should shake hands.

332
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,140
- You've not got a...
- Electric buzzer? No.

333
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,039
- K-k-k-k-k!
- You're all right, you!

334
00:26:51,519 --> 00:26:53,269
Aagh!

335
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,089
- How long did you put this in for?
- Eight minutes.

336
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:02,039
- It's hotter than the sun!
- I'm going now. No hard feelings?

337
00:27:02,799 --> 00:27:06,839
Yeah, OK. Help yourself
to a honeycomb Yorkie for the glovebox.

338
00:27:07,559 --> 00:27:10,089
All right, I will. Take care.

339
00:27:12,799 --> 00:27:16,769
- Lynn, that is not a penis.
- It's the best I could do.

340
00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:21,230
It tapers. It looks like a mouse's head.

341
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,980
- That bloke's just told him.
- What's that on your back?

342
00:27:26,559 --> 00:27:28,170
(BUZZER)

343
00:27:28,559 --> 00:27:31,259
Open the door! Open it!

344
00:27:31,799 --> 00:27:35,910
There are enough supplies in here
to last three weeks.

345
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,710
Want a Mars bar? Swivel.

346
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:46,630
If you wanted a Twix, I'd stick one in your eye,
one in your ear and one up your bum.

347
00:27:47,519 --> 00:27:51,309
- But I wouldn't break into another packet.
- Right.

348
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,250
I'd use a four-fingered one
and save one for myself at the end.

349
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,720
Having washed my hands.

350
00:28:00,839 --> 00:28:04,390
I've just remembered I've got a radio show to do,

351
00:28:05,039 --> 00:28:09,039
so let's make friends
so I can be on my way, please.

352
00:28:09,759 --> 00:28:13,200
If you let me go, I will give you £200 in cash

353
00:28:13,839 --> 00:28:16,160
or a cheque for £23O.

354
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,710
I imagine that's a month's wages
to someone like you. Hello?

355
00:28:23,839 --> 00:28:27,529
- Alan doesn't want a stuntman.
- OK. "Scum On The Run." Take one.

356
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,829
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC)