(WOMAN) "I enjoyed "The Hobbit" more than "Riverdance"
"and I think lots of boys on an island killing a fat boy"
is not so enjoyable as GandaIf with a long white beard,
OK. If you've just joined us, we're talking about who is the best lord.
"Lord Of The Rings", "Of The Dance" or "Of The Flies". That's tonight's "Hot Topic".
Hot Topic!
The votes are closed and "The Rings" and "The Flies" have been trounced
by the quick feet of blouse-wearing tycoon Michael Flatley.
"Flatley, my dear, I don't Riverdance.... Give a damn."
It's 11 p.m. Time for "Alan's Love Asylum".
Alan's Love Asylum
(ROARING)
It's basically sex music.
See you later!
That was the Corrs - three little birds I think we'd all like to...prey upon
and steal their eggs.
I'm off. I leave you in the capable hands of Dave Clifton,
who's with you till 4 a.m. with his "Nightclub".
- What have you got lined up? - It's ladies' night tonight.
- Maybe a wet T-shirt competition? - You never know!
How does that work on radio?
You've got to use your imagination, Alan. There's a lot of ladies in here tonight.
(WOMAN CHEER)
Steady, girls. Ooh, I'm all wet!
- I can hear 'em. I can't see 'em. - That's because you're not on...
- I'm off for a mushroom slice. - Get me one, chum.
Let's open the "Nightclub" tonight, folks, with Jo Boxers.
- Two Flavia frothy cappuccinos coming up. - You're a gentleman.
There's that idiot in the black Hillman Imp.
Is he going to get petrol? No. He's just using the forecourt to turn round.
- He thinks he's Rod Stewart! - Your road safety video's doing well.
- "Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video"? - We've sold three. More than your book.
Unfortunately, people would rather watch clips of idiots driving cars like maniacs
than a book which has been described as and I quote, "lovely stuff."
Not my words, Michael. The words of Shakin' Stevens.
- You could always reduce the price. - Again?
You're not pushing them hard enough. Pretend I'm a customer.
- Hello. - What pump number?
Um...
Three. No, no... Four. It doesn't matter, does it?
Four. No, three. It's got the paper towels. I like three.
- Would you also like this book? - What's it about?
It's about this local fella what used to be on TV but he wasn't very good, so now he's not.
He went right down and hit rock bottom and now he's on his way back up.
He'll never get back to where he was, but he's coming back.
- That sounds depressing. - Just the petrol, then?
Your sales technique is awful. And you're low on Bodyline Brushable Joint Sealer.
Captain Partridge, would you look after the fort while I go on a resupply mission?
You work in a petrol station. It's not the GuIf War.
Which, ironically, is like a large petrol station.
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away... ♪
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Sorry. I'm not Enya.
- Pump number three. - Good pump.
"F Raphael." Funny. I used to have a teacher at school called Frank Raphael.
Sweaty Raphael we used to call him. Great big stains under his armpits.
It's you. How the devil are you?
- Alan Partridge. - The very same. What are you up to?
I'm still at the old school but I'm the headmaster now.
- Good call. - I remember you.
- Didn't you used to be on television? - Yeah. I got out of it. Unpleasant people.
Bitter bastards.
Yes. In education authorities you find those as well.
I think every profession has its shits.
Sorry about the bad language. Actually, I don't have to apologise, do l? Big balls!
Fanny hair!
- And a bag of Minstrels. - Ooh.
Yeah. We all sweat. I used to sweat like a zoo.
Although you sweated, you didn't smell. That was another teacher - Kacky Raphael.
That's you as well. Shoot me now with a massive gun!
You once caned me for having a chalk penis drawn on the back of my blazer.
- That was a long time ago, Alan. - That's what Nazi war criminals say.
I bumped into another old boy recently - Tony Spillane.
He gave a talk to our sixth-formers.
You realise there's no way I could have drawn a penis on my back?
Ask yourself two questions - how and why?
- Lovely to see you. - I could give a talk.
If we need someone to talk about working in a petrol station, I'll be onto you.
(BUZZER)
- Do you think I work in a petrol station? - Well, I just paid you for petrol.
This is the man that runs the place. Well, he's the work Geordie.
- He's always been at this level. - Aye. When I was in the army...
Whatever. I'm doing much better than him.
I left the BBC, formed a production company. That went into liquidation, voluntarily.
Then I was out of work for two years, clinically fed up, boo-hoo...
- Why do I need to know this? - Because I've bounced back.
People bounce back. Dennis Hopper, RoIf Harris... There are others.
- Can I get to my car? - It's not going anywhere. It's not Herbie.
The point is, I now have the third best slot on Radio Norwich
I have a military-based quiz show on cable TV called "Skirmish", and a girlfriend.
- I think your pupils will want to know. - I'll be in touch.
If we set it up now, then Michael can press the button to let you go.
- Would you like this book? - Not now, Michael...
All right. Why don't you give a talk on Wednesday evening?
Michael, release the headmaster.
- Yoo-hoo! - Hello, Lynn. Would you like a coffee?
Coffee machines are the future, Lynn. Kettles are sad.
What do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one.
- I think it's snazzy. - I think your hair's snazzy.
- Is your mother's money coming through? - Yes.
All part of the bereavement dividend.
I changed her sheets every day for ten years.
I don't know how you managed it. She was a bit of a heffalump, God rest her soul.
She was a big woman. I'm tempted to say she was big-hearted, but that would be bullshit.
- Lynn, make for the banquette. - Thank you.
Thanks for changing the gas bottles. I heard you clinking.
What have you got? Shoot from your hip - your new hip.
You've got a meeting with Meteor about "Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video 2".
- Do you need me there? - I don't need you. I'd like you there.
You don't like Meteor because they make wet T-shirt videos.
It's not hardcore super sex.
If you'd taken the trouble to watch "Boob Olympics"...
..as I have, then you'd realise that there is a competitive element.
If it makes you happy.
The money that pays for the black granite work surfaces, the brass dimmer switches
your eight grand a year...all comes from Meteor,
who happen to produce "Boob Olympics", "The Eurovision Thong Contest"
and "Wet Christmas".
- All right, guys? - All right?
- See the match? - Which one?
Don't know.
- How's it going, Mr Partridge? - Yeah, cool.
- You see what I done in the toilet? - How do you mean?
- I retiled it. - Right.
- We've got something for you. - Oh, yeah?
Stick this on.
There is a serious reason why I'm wearing this.
Insurance. And, no offence, Lynn...
- None taken. - You don't know what I'm going to say.
Wait till I've said it before you decide not to take offence.
No offence, Lynn, but your life is technically not worth insuring.
- Can we talk about the office? - I'd like it to double as a chill-out room.
- I didn't think you were a raver. - I'm not. I'm straight.
I've got a girlfriend. She's only 33.
Cashback.
Yeah...
Between you and me,
there are things I do with Sonja that I would never have done with my ex-wife Carol.
Occasionally, I dost venture south.
And when I go south, it's like a breath of fresh air.
But two years ago, I was a mess. I'd put on weight. I had breasts.
I bet they were the only ones you copped hold of!
They were, actually. I was repellent to women for two years.
Running along with my breasts with tassels. You can't make them go that way.
Imagine dreaming about that and waking up screaming, 'cause that's what happened.
- Hi, Alan. Hello, Lynn. Hello, builders. - I told you. Watch.
See? She's not stopping me.
Brilliant story to tell. I was in the coffee shop where I work.
A man came in and said he wanted coffee.
He was smelly man. Tomek did not like him. Tomek said we didn't have any coffee.
And then the man just went!
- I don't understand the joke. - Drop it, Lynn.
It's a coffee shop, but one man says to another man, "You can't have a coffee..."
That is the story.
- But it don't make sense, does it? - Help me out, mate.
- very funny story. - Yes, it's a funny story.
I think those stories are best in the caravan.
- I have question for builder. - Let's go now. Grab her, Lynn.
Guess which one of you two ladies I'm going to make love with now.
I'll just go on up to the club and meet that video woman.
See you later.
Come on, Sonja. Let's be appalling.
Lynn, I reckon 4O-45 minutes. How long?
About that.
Make it an hour. I want to have a shower before and, ideally, afterwards.
- Hi! - Oh, Alan!
Stay down.
Sorry I'm late. Had to have a shower. Got a bit clammy.
Yeah.
So... How have you been, Alan?
Ruddy bloody good, actually.
- His panic attacks have all but stopped. - Thanks, Lynn.
- Mum, I want my GameBoy. - Excuse me. What's his name?
- It's Todd. - Seriously?
Hello, Todd. Snazzy jeans you've got on.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
There is zero tolerance on denim in the bar?
- Yes. - There's a chap there wearing jeans.
- Chap of about six. - Right, sir.
They're lovely at that age.
Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis!
But with excellent facilities...as had the Nazis.
- Shall we start? - Yes.
The last video was called "Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video",
and this video will feature helicopters pursuing these bad prats across fields,
so a better title would be "Scum On The Run".
- You all right, Lynn? - Lynn doesn't like the old watersports.
- We don't do that. - The wet T-shirt things.
- That's not watersports. - What's watersports?
- You don't know? - No, I don't.
- You don't know what watersports are? - I believe we've established that.
- Well... - Tell me what you mean by "watersports".
It's when people relieve themselves on each other.
(WHISTLES)
Did you know that there are no Dutch elms left in Britain?
Completely wiped out.
Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
- Perhaps those people were caught short. - They do it on purpose, Lynn!
That's the small talk over with. let's go on to the thorny issue of the fee.
No. There's no negotiation.
Siobhan, you don't just get some guy who used to be on TV presenting a cheap video.
You do get that, but you also get my voice.
Let me remind you.
"Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe, but this isn't Britain.
(GERMAN ACCENT) "This is the Autobahn."
I bring an element of humour.
Alan, I just can't move on the fee. You know we love your work.
And I love your videos of women in bikinis being hosed down in car parks.
- It's a bit more tasteful than that. - It's called "Titsnade Zoo".
- Alan, I am not negotiating. - But I am.
- Then you'll be negotiating on your own. - So be it.
That doesn't work.
Lovely to see you, Lynn.
Why not have me chased down the street by a helicopter in wet underpants?
I mean me, not the helicopter - though some sicko would probably buy that!
A big helicopter in giant underpants.
Or a plane in a giant bra having a slash on an airport.
Why did you say I had panic attacks? You made it sound like I had a breakdown.
You did. You drove up to Dundee in bare feet.
Lynn! I know what really happened.
You make me sound mad now. Say I didn't have a breakdown.
- You didn't have a breakdown. - I know.
Let's get a couple of Soleros. I need to get my head together.
- There goes Siobhan. - I'm going to box her in at the squash court!
(SHOUTS)
I'm OK. Your air bag went off. Why didn't mine?
- I can't move my head. - Calm down, Lynn!
- It's not moving. - Calm down! Air! Air!
Calm down, Lynn! You're suffering from minor women's whiplash.
Your air bag's deployed. Mine hasn't.
Oh.
- You haven't got whiplash. - I know.
My head was in contact with the headrest.
You were leaning forwards with your handbag like that.
- Are you all right? - I've just got minor whiplash.
- I told her that. - You need to take her to a hospital, Alan.
I know. This has put things in perspective.
I will now do the video for the same amount as last time to help Lynn.
Alan, take her to hospital and we'll chat later.
This was probably caught on CCTV camera. I'll throw the footage in gratis.
You can start off with a small collision like this then build to a big one,
like a huge lorry sliding along on its back for ages. I'm babbling.
All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.
She goes on a bit.
It's weird, this air bag. All that powder on your face, you look like a clown.
Don't smile. You've broken your neck.
Here we are. Make yourselves comfortable and I'll give you a shout when we're ready.
Anything you need, just let me know. Or you, Mrs Partridge.
She's not my wife! I hate it when that happens.
Can you pop to the shops and get me...
..two packets of Toffos?
- Phil Wiley. We were at school together. - Yes. You were in my class.
- Alison Partridge! - No. Alan.
- Alison's what we called you. - I didn't know that.
What are you doing hanging round a school?
- I'm one of the big boys now. - What, a prefect?
- I teach here. - I see.
Do you remember catching me in that darkroom snogging that lab assistant?
- What on earth were you doing there? - Developing photographs.
That's what it was for.
Remember the day that you got caned?
Yeah. I got a chalk penis drawn on me by some shit. I'd love to get my hands on him.
- That was me. - I know it was.
I admire you teachers. You're very heroic to do what you do for such rubbish money.
Exactly how much do you teachers earn?
I'm earning more than you think. I'm head of modern languages.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
Yeah.
I've got a girlfriend.
- I've got a wife. - Is she older than you or younger?
- She's older than me. She's 52. - My girlfriend's 33.
I'm 47. She's 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!
I'll put you in this room and get the kids.
Don't draw a cock!
Hi, kids. It's great to be back in my fine old school.
I nearly sent my son Fernando here, but I was able to educate him privately.
You can't muck about with your own kids.
Let me tell you about myself.
I present a military-based quiz show on a daytime digital channel called UK Conquest.
It's got 8,OOO viewers.
To put that in perspective, it's 11 times the population of Hemsby.
Basically, terrestrial TV is a dead duck, and who watches a dead duck?
Not even its mother. She just flies off depressed.
I want to show you an example of the kind of sell-through video that I make.
There are some strobe effects in this so any epileptics, get out now.
Statistically, one of you is, and two of you are gay.
If you are gay, please remember...rubber up.
At your age, it's still illegal. You don't want to end up in prison.
Those guys don't care how old you are, or if you're gay.
This was filmed two years ago and I have let myself go a little.
Crash!
Bang!
Wallop!
What a video,
Hi, I'm Alan Partridge and I drive a car, But not like this.
Let's see what this idiot did.. in America.
Thankfully, that man was plastic.
Stop giggling or I'll take down your particulars.
But what if he hadn't been plastic?
(ROCK MUSIC)
I'd like to thank Alan for a very interesting talk. Are there any questions?
This guy caned me for drawing a chalk penis on my back, which I couldn't possibly do.
- We'll be having coffee next door. - I'll show you. It's impossible. Watch.
- See? - But you've done it.
Yours had hairs at the base and a dotted line emanating from the crown.
This guy got the lab assistant pregnant. He never sees the kid.
Back of the net.
What an appalling thing to say. You've put me in an invidious position.
- Don't know that word. - You leave, we're left with the detritus.
Knock it off with the fancy words. It went tits up.
You speak like you're from the 19th century. And you sweat.
I'd like to see you sweat over your work.
I don't because I use Lynx Africa.
- Gonna cane me? - No, but I might throw a chair at you.
It's still corporal punishment. See you in Strasbourg.
Tonight we're talking about coffee. They're opening a Starbucks on Beachy Head.
Nice. Have cup of coffee, put a spring in your step.
Spring in your step's the last thing you need on a cliff. It's a suicide hot spot.
What, Starbucks?
- How can you kill yourself in Starbucks? - Shotgun in your mouth?
Alan, there's that teacher chap.
Michael, if he hits me, will you hit him?
No. I cannot hit customers. I've been told. I'll go and get some stock.
Yeah. Chicken stock!
- Hello, Alan. - Lynn, hand me an apple pie.
- leave the theatre of conflict. - What do you mean?
Go and stand by the Yakults.
The temperature inside this apple turnover is 1,OOO degrees.
If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple is going to squirt out.
Could go your way, could go mine.
- Either way, one of us is going down. - Alan, I've come to make peace.
- Not kick my head in? - No. I think we should shake hands.
- You've not got a... - Electric buzzer? No.
- K-k-k-k-k! - You're all right, you!
Aagh!
- How long did you put this in for? - Eight minutes.
- It's hotter than the sun! - I'm going now. No hard feelings?
Yeah, OK. Help yourself to a honeycomb Yorkie for the glovebox.
All right, I will. Take care.
- Lynn, that is not a penis. - It's the best I could do.
It tapers. It looks like a mouse's head.
- That bloke's just told him. - What's that on your back?
(BUZZER)
Open the door! Open it!
There are enough supplies in here to last three weeks.
Want a Mars bar? Swivel.
If you wanted a Twix, I'd stick one in your eye, one in your ear and one up your bum.
- But I wouldn't break into another packet. - Right.
I'd use a four-fingered one and save one for myself at the end.
Having washed my hands.
I've just remembered I've got a radio show to do,
so let's make friends so I can be on my way, please.
If you let me go, I will give you £200 in cash
or a cheque for £23O.
I imagine that's a month's wages to someone like you. Hello?
- Alan doesn't want a stuntman. - OK. "Scum On The Run." Take one.
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC)