1 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:06,679 That was Roxanne by The Police or, as they're now known, Sting. 2 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:12,669 A song there about a prostitute. Doesn't give her surname. Must give her a call. 3 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,910 Though the effects of 23 years on the game 4 00:00:16,399 --> 00:00:20,399 would not render her pleasurable to mine eye. 5 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,489 Hmm! 6 00:00:22,839 --> 00:00:25,260 Alan's Funny Stories! 7 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:31,660 Just time for a funny story before the news. On line four we have Roy from Bungay. 8 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,390 - Hello, - Funny story? 9 00:00:34,799 --> 00:00:37,710 I sold a Makita cordless drill in the local paper, 10 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:43,939 I got it back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack, 11 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:48,500 I see. So the present you gave away, you then got back? 12 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,299 Yeah, that's it, Goodbye, 13 00:00:51,759 --> 00:00:58,539 - What a funny story. - Alan's Funny Stories! 14 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,810 That is a funny story. 15 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,489 (LAUGHS) 16 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,310 I wonder who got the power pack. 17 00:01:10,439 --> 00:01:13,849 (LAUGHS) 18 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:22,209 News. 19 00:01:29,519 --> 00:01:31,840 How can you set fire to your hands? 20 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,510 - Hello.. - Carl. 21 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:42,629 Carl. There's a lot of room in here. Nice to be able to jog around. 22 00:01:44,719 --> 00:01:46,469 It's good. 23 00:01:46,879 --> 00:01:51,590 I'm in a good mood today. I just found out my wife's been struck off my life insurance. 24 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,569 Spice World! 25 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,969 - Are you married? - Yeah. 26 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:02,319 Divorced. I've got access to the kids, but they don't want to see me. 27 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,099 John. 28 00:02:09,319 --> 00:02:12,439 - Hello, John. - Al. We've concreted the floor. 29 00:02:13,039 --> 00:02:15,669 - No bodies under there, I hope! - What? 30 00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:20,129 Just joshing. Have you put t'corpse under t'patio? 31 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,419 - I expect you get that all the time. - Not really. 32 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:29,120 That skirting board seems a bit low. Could you change it again? 33 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,580 Eeh! 'Appen he thinks I'm a right indecisive tit. 34 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,000 He doesn't like it when you do that accent. 35 00:02:47,479 --> 00:02:50,460 Well...I'll stop, then. 36 00:02:52,159 --> 00:02:56,830 - Can you not put your foot... - I was just going to do a Cockney walk. 37 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,659 - All right? - Hello. 38 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:06,610 Actually, I've got some good news. I've just come into a substantial amount of money. 39 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,189 I'm hosting a conference for Dante's of Reading - 40 00:03:10,719 --> 00:03:13,840 the Ferrari of the coal-effect gas fireplace industry. 41 00:03:14,439 --> 00:03:19,740 If this job comes off, as regards decision-making, we'll be in a "can-do, go" situation. 42 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,689 - I won't bore you with the details. - Right. 43 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,259 Hands off your cocks and on with your socks... Oh. 44 00:03:28,479 --> 00:03:31,389 It's just an army saying. Give us another one. 45 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,419 Kill! Kill! Stab! Twist! Kill! 46 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:41,099 Michael's staying here till they put his front door back on. 47 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,250 Welcome aboard the good ship...My House. 48 00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:51,340 - Tell him there's no smoking in the house. - There's no smoking in the house. 49 00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:54,919 - Tell her whose house it is. - It's my house. 50 00:03:55,479 --> 00:03:58,569 - If you've got owt to say, say it to me. - It's hygiene. 51 00:03:59,159 --> 00:04:03,199 Whoa! Back off, seconds out round one, ding-ding! 52 00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:09,430 I'd never let that happen. He'd batter you. Come on. Tell me what you've got. 53 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,150 Right. I've got your book signing at 12 o'clock 54 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:17,410 and your meeting with Piet Morant from Dante Fires. 55 00:04:18,079 --> 00:04:20,540 Mary Poppins! What's that? 56 00:04:22,319 --> 00:04:24,920 That's me bike. That's Desert Storm. 57 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,339 The Iraqis must have been petrified when they saw that. 58 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:35,430 Especially if it had one of those cigarette cards in the spokes, so it went "Fffff". 59 00:04:36,199 --> 00:04:37,779 Aagh! 60 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:42,199 Why don't you two buy the hatchet over a coffee? After you, Lynn. 61 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,060 Probably me next. 62 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,529 I need to speak to you about something. 63 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:55,870 Sonja has made me a mug with my face on one side and a cat on the other. 64 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:59,610 - What does it mean? - I've no idea. 65 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:04,269 She's talking about selling this stuff at the covered market. 66 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,670 - That's terrible. - A disaster. I don't want my face on this! 67 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,300 I want it on this. 68 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,459 And I might put it on a jar of pasta. 69 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,740 Did you hear from Dolmio about my pasta gravy sauce? 70 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:21,209 - No. - Let it go. 71 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,800 Do you fancy a cup of delicious microwaveable soup? 72 00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:27,720 Yeah. Pop it in the microwave. 73 00:05:28,199 --> 00:05:32,100 Can you imagine if they had microwaves in medieval times? 74 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:37,259 A giant microwave and you can just pop a witch in it. Horrific! 75 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,089 - If she bursts, she's innocent. - Yes. 76 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:46,420 If she comes out cold on the outside but hot in the middle, she's a witch. 77 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,750 - Remember to take the foil off first. - That's just pies. 78 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,879 - Can I watch "Poirot" on UK Gold? - As long as you pop the earphones on. 79 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,860 Oh, you have. Look at her. Dead to the world. 80 00:06:03,439 --> 00:06:06,209 She's in the spot where me and Sonja have it off. 81 00:06:06,759 --> 00:06:11,709 - Are you still doing it twice a day? - Yeah. Diary permitting. 82 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:16,560 - Don't give yourself a heart attack. - It's cardiovascular exercise. 83 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:20,089 It's like press-ups, isn't it? 84 00:06:20,639 --> 00:06:24,569 I suppose you are working the major muscle groups, like. 85 00:06:31,519 --> 00:06:35,699 - That is a woman? - Aye. It's long hair. 86 00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:39,490 Could be Brian May. 87 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,509 That's not his cup of tea. That's the other one, God rest his soul. 88 00:06:46,319 --> 00:06:49,509 I've got to pop up to Choristers and get the PA. 89 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,560 Security there is terrible. They'd probably let you in. 90 00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:56,829 - That's ridiculous. - I know. 91 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,800 - There's Sonja talking to the builders. - Oh, God! 92 00:07:01,439 --> 00:07:06,810 You just take normal photograph into Snappy Snaps and he put photo on cushion. 93 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:12,250 This cushion is called scatter cushion. I call it the scatter love cushion. 94 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,009 Because it represent my love for Alan. 95 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,850 You could sit on his face. 96 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,829 What do you mean? 97 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:29,850 - You can sit on Alan's face. It's a joke. - It's a filthy joke! Alan is hitting you. 98 00:07:30,639 --> 00:07:34,779 Whoa! That's English for "stop a horse". 99 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,360 - He is being disgusting. - What did he say? 100 00:07:39,839 --> 00:07:41,980 He say I sit on your face. 101 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,860 - Have you been spying on us? - No. 102 00:07:47,439 --> 00:07:50,949 Sonja, I'll handle this. Go and sit in the static home. 103 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:56,129 Sorry about that. 104 00:08:01,639 --> 00:08:07,220 Hello. I'm a communist with a gun. I hate you lot. Can I use your toilet? 105 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,649 Utter, utter nutters. 106 00:08:13,439 --> 00:08:15,259 (TRAIN SCREECHES) 107 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,540 Hello, commuters with your computers. 108 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,870 This book would fit into an attache case 109 00:08:23,399 --> 00:08:26,560 or the thigh pocket of a pair of combat trousers. 110 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:31,199 Not like those massive Stephen King books. They should be on wheels. 111 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,710 Embarrassing. Idiot. 112 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,169 For £10 you get a very good book and a free torch - 113 00:08:37,759 --> 00:08:41,090 a Danko nightstick as used in the series "The X-Files". 114 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:46,320 There's a demonstration model tied to the chair by that woman. 115 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,419 - What is it you want? - The train for Lowestoft. 116 00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:53,850 The train for Lowestoft is on platform four. 117 00:08:54,399 --> 00:08:59,980 It leaves in five minutes so better learn to jog again quickly. 118 00:09:00,919 --> 00:09:03,970 Seriously, run. You will miss it. 119 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,299 This book is a top business aid. 120 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,370 As I'm sure you are, sir. 121 00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:15,019 Look at that. Not even listening. Off to London, no doubt. 122 00:09:15,759 --> 00:09:19,169 Go to London. You'll either be mugged or not appreciated. 123 00:09:19,799 --> 00:09:23,980 Catch the train to London stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, 124 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,690 Back-Stabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway. 125 00:09:29,399 --> 00:09:31,679 Alan. Alan. There. 126 00:09:32,159 --> 00:09:35,070 - It's Piet Morant from Dante Fires. - He can't see me. 127 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:39,820 - Why not? - This looks like I haven't bounced back. 128 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:42,590 - But you have. - I know! 129 00:09:43,039 --> 00:09:46,159 - Point him out to me. - He's got a beard. 130 00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:49,250 - Hi. I'm Alan Partridge. - Piet. 131 00:09:49,759 --> 00:09:55,559 - You don't mind if I just do that? - No. I wasn't expecting you to meet me. 132 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,870 Sorry about the smell of urine, but there's nothing to do round here. 133 00:10:01,519 --> 00:10:03,309 Apache is a one-stop shop. 134 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,559 - What part of Birmingham are you from? - I'm from South Africa. 135 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,450 (SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) I should have guessed. 136 00:10:12,919 --> 00:10:17,129 This is a laugh. Security card. Hello, Security? 137 00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:22,940 I am an arsonist. Please can I come in to set fire to the staff? 138 00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:25,450 Unbelievable. 139 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,289 They know who I am, but you could be a sex offender. 140 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,929 You've come to use the facilities but you're still a sex offender. 141 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:42,889 - But I'm not a sex offender. - It's all right. They won't ask about it. 142 00:10:43,639 --> 00:10:46,970 - But I'm not a sex offender. - We've got that in common. 143 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:53,009 The security is terrible. I actually booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. 144 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:59,129 They didn't bat an eyelid. I'll just tell them it's me. 145 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:09,399 - We've got to get out. - What's the problem? 146 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,210 - Crossed wires. - Shall we go to Apache? 147 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:15,769 - My house? There's no electricity. - I'd like to see it. 148 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,820 Yes. We'll go straight to Apache... after a pub lunch for an hour. 149 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,840 Alan, there's some nice houses around here. 150 00:11:26,399 --> 00:11:29,909 Sorry it's a building site. You should have a hat hard on. 151 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,480 What am I saying? I mean, a hat hard on. 152 00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:37,250 I've done it again. 153 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,309 Hello. How do you do? How nice to meet you. 154 00:11:43,639 --> 00:11:45,669 - How do you do? - This is Michael. 155 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:50,860 - Unusual accent. Where are you from? - I'm originally from Newcastle, like. 156 00:11:53,039 --> 00:11:56,200 Michael's in charge of our internet computer. 157 00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:01,009 - Aye. There's nay porn on it. - Did you understand that? 158 00:12:01,759 --> 00:12:04,179 - No. - Good. This is Lynn. 159 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:10,259 Close your mouth, Lynn. Shall we move through to the conference area? 160 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,360 - So this is Apache Communications? - Yeah. 161 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:20,620 We normally have three clocks telling the time in London, Paris and Dublin. 162 00:12:22,399 --> 00:12:25,769 Which is the same as London but you need to be reminded. 163 00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:29,210 I'm dying to hear your ideas for the fireplace conference. 164 00:12:29,759 --> 00:12:31,509 - Grab a sofa. - Here? 165 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:35,250 Sure. let me tell you about the set-up here. 166 00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:40,080 You can't use the toilet because it's blocked. 167 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,629 You see, at Apache, we... Waay! 168 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:51,409 This is a new table. It's not quite finished. 169 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,159 Do you want to pop this on? No, it's hiding a handle. 170 00:12:56,879 --> 00:12:59,929 - A piece of fruit? - No, thanks. 171 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,210 - Did you see that? - Yes. 172 00:13:06,159 --> 00:13:09,669 I think the designer has gone for that... 173 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,759 toilet door balanced on a Black & Decker Workmate effect. 174 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:19,870 - Alan, I can't see you. - No problem. I'll just hop up here. 175 00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,759 - Whose is that caravan? - The builders live in there. 176 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,220 Lynn goes in there. I don't think anything's going on. 177 00:13:28,919 --> 00:13:33,200 I told her I disapprove of workplace relationships, but shit happens. 178 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,309 You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa. Bloody sofa! 179 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,179 I like the evenings when the lighting gets bad. 180 00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:53,179 Eeeh! Lynn! 181 00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:55,850 Three, two, one, land. 182 00:13:57,399 --> 00:14:00,139 - So...shall we start, Alan? - Yes. 183 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:03,350 Now, the main thing... Thank you. 184 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,879 The main thing is we need something quick. 185 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:17,299 As we always say at Dante Fires, what is the burning issue? 186 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,070 Burning, fireplaces. I like it. 187 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:27,899 So we want to give our sales force something inspirational. 188 00:14:30,279 --> 00:14:34,320 - What are you laughing at? - I'm laughing at the burning issue joke. 189 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,750 Splash down! 190 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,950 Eeeh! 191 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:47,129 - Shall I put it in the middle? - That would be helpful. 192 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:50,679 - Shall we put the lights on? - Never mind that. 193 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,370 All I want to know is... can you give us a pyrotechnics and light show? 194 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,269 Absolutely. We can do you... 195 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,769 (IMITATES ACCENT)..pyrotechnics. 196 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,940 I recommend you start with a couple of jokes. 197 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,850 - We don't want a clown, Alan. - God, no. 198 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,580 He'd never get to the podium with those long shoes on. 199 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,870 How do clowns go down in South Africa? 200 00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:22,669 With that make-up, they're neither one thing nor the other. Are they allowed on buses? 201 00:15:23,559 --> 00:15:26,190 Look, Alan. No clowns, no gags. 202 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,389 - Just a couple of jokes? - No, Alan. 203 00:15:29,919 --> 00:15:31,740 - Please? - No, you can't! 204 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,769 There's no need for that! 205 00:15:36,679 --> 00:15:38,429 I want to do a couple of jokes. 206 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,370 - You can't. - You've done it again! 207 00:15:41,879 --> 00:15:45,710 You've said it again! Just because I've got a shit table. 208 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,220 - What do you want? - I wanted to turn the lights on. 209 00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:53,399 Good call. Michael! Oh, you're there. 210 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:56,620 - Shall we pop the lights on? - Hang on. 211 00:15:57,159 --> 00:15:59,090 Mind your head. It's coming down. 212 00:15:59,519 --> 00:16:01,799 It er... Now... 213 00:16:03,639 --> 00:16:08,279 It does look to me like torches attached to a bicycle wheel... 214 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,590 probably designed by the person who did the table. 215 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:18,090 I like South Africa. I hated those people who wouldn't trade with you in the '80s. 216 00:16:18,919 --> 00:16:21,409 l carried on buying your tomatoes. 217 00:16:21,919 --> 00:16:24,409 You say tom-ar-to, I say tom-ay-to. 218 00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:27,090 You say...tomato. 219 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,879 I say pot-ay-to, you say...potato. 220 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:37,519 Let's call the whole thing...a nice chap and doesn't matter what race he is. 221 00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:39,700 - Lynn! - Yes. 222 00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:44,820 Oh, you're there. This isn't bright enough. We're going to have to "go nuclear". 223 00:16:45,639 --> 00:16:49,399 Look, Alan, it's too late to cancel... I'm sorry. 224 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:54,470 It's easily done. If you don't mind being angry down the centre of the table? 225 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,860 I'm taking this table back. It's bloody useless. 226 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,940 You've hit the hazards! 227 00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:10,450 If I've said "Full beam" once I've said it a dozen times. 228 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,049 Level with me, Piet. Have I got this job? 229 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:20,170 Given that it's too late to book anyone eke, the answer has to be yes. 230 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,839 Jacka-nacka-nory! Ah, that's better. 231 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,859 (SOUTH AFRlCAN ACCENT) Full beam. 232 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,069 I'd like four glitter explosions, 12 puff flashes... 233 00:17:33,799 --> 00:17:37,630 So the sequence should be puff, flash, puff, flash, bang. 234 00:17:38,319 --> 00:17:42,890 Basically, could I have a condensed Pink Floyd concert for £500? 235 00:17:44,519 --> 00:17:46,480 OK. Thanks, Lynn. 236 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,200 - You want eat? - What have we got? 237 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,829 - We got eggs, we got chicken... - Which came first? 238 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,160 - I bought the chicken on Thursday. - Chicken's fine. 239 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,430 - It's empty. - What? 240 00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:04,009 - The chicken is empty. - It's hollow? 241 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,690 - There is no chicken inside. - You didn't buy a display model? 242 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,190 - The inside. - The giblets? 243 00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:13,349 - It's awful. - I like them. 244 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,529 They might eat them in your county. We don't here. 245 00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:21,329 I don't want to eat an intestine or a chicken heart on a mini muffin. 246 00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:25,029 It's like some sort of voodoo canape. 247 00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:28,440 You want to make love? The bed's ready. 248 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,069 No. I'm fine, thanks. I'll just check on Michael. 249 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,190 - OK. Alan, I love you. - Thanks a lot. 250 00:18:38,759 --> 00:18:43,849 - Hello, Michael. Do you want to be alone? - Oh, no. It's nice to have company. 251 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,599 Keep the demons at bay. 252 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,619 Imagine if we were the last two people on earth camped out up here. 253 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,569 Aye. We'd have to breed. 254 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:03,400 I think I'd prefer to adopt. Men can these days. 255 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,900 Aye. I'd adopt a greyhound. The last one I had was right clever. 256 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:13,930 If they were that clever, they'd know that thing they chase isn't a rabbit. 257 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:18,190 If this conference goes well, you could get a helicopter. 258 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:22,670 I'd love to fly a helicopter. The world's getting smaller. 259 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:27,400 - Aye. That's global warming. - No. That's something different. 260 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:30,400 I'd like to fly a helicopter around Norfolk. 261 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:35,519 Swoop over a field, scare a donkey so it falls into a river. 262 00:19:36,319 --> 00:19:40,009 Hover over one of those annoying families on bikes 263 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,230 and shout, "Get out of the area!" and watch them panic. 264 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,950 - I'd have an Apache attack helicopter. - Oh, great. 265 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:54,000 I'd go back to school. First I'd take out the labs. 266 00:19:54,759 --> 00:19:58,970 Then I'd type into the attack computer, "Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher." 267 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,740 - Blow him to bits. - I know the feeling. 268 00:20:03,319 --> 00:20:08,380 Then I'd look for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering just down the road from his house 269 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,569 and he'd see us, but I'd duck behind the trees 270 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,529 and he's just at his front door when I come up... 271 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,549 "Hello, you bastard!" 272 00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:25,200 He panics and goes into the house. So I get the 3Omm cannon and take out the fish pond. 273 00:20:26,079 --> 00:20:29,269 Koi carp in there at £4O each, right? 274 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,690 Then I'd tilt the helicopter to one side. Bullets are chewing up the drive. 275 00:20:35,519 --> 00:20:40,049 He comes out, "Not my Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!" 276 00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:44,140 I cut it right in half. He runs onto the garage roof. 277 00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:48,970 I say, "This is for you, Tom!" He's begging us, man. "No! Please! Don't!" 278 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,470 (GUN NOISE) 279 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,779 Then I'd fly to Cornwall and smash into the sea in a ball of flames. 280 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,970 Sleep well, Michael. 281 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:14,240 - Who's Tom Donaldson? - Just a mate. 282 00:21:20,799 --> 00:21:25,960 Hello. I've just swallowed a load of anthrax and I'd like to let off in the club bar. 283 00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,589 Can I come in? 284 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,529 You haven't opened the gate. Well done. 285 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,079 I've just remembered, I've forgotten my card. 286 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:42,410 I was showing it to a Geordie last night and I've gone and left it in his bloody hands. 287 00:21:45,279 --> 00:21:47,029 - Hello? - (MAN) Hello, 288 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:52,150 I think I made a complaint about you and you're pursuing a vendetta, 289 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,130 which I can understand. 290 00:21:57,079 --> 00:21:58,829 - Hello? - Hello, 291 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,359 - You do know who I am? - No, 292 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:08,720 Um... I know. There's a copy of my book behind reception. Can you see it? 293 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,799 - Yeah, - I'll replicate the cover stance. 294 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,430 OK Go on, then, 295 00:22:28,599 --> 00:22:30,349 (WOMAN) Hello, can I help you? 296 00:22:30,759 --> 00:22:33,009 Yeah. Is Sean there? 297 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,670 No, He just knocked off. Can I help you? 298 00:22:37,279 --> 00:22:39,450 No, it's fine. Thank you. 299 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,369 - What are you doing? - Climbing over a fence. 300 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,019 - You're nearly fif... - Were you going to say I'm nearly fifty? 301 00:22:50,759 --> 00:22:52,130 - Aagh! - What? 302 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,319 Lynn, I've pierced my foot on a spike! 303 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,180 - It frigging hurts! - Get in the recovery position. 304 00:22:59,799 --> 00:23:03,029 - You're just quoting "Casualty". - Pull it off. 305 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,660 - All the blood will run out of the hole. - Pull it off. 306 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,569 - And leave it on the spike? - Pull it off the spike. 307 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,569 - No. You pull your foot off. - Mine's not on the spike! 308 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,549 There's someone coming. Be normal. 309 00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:23,660 Hello. Dante Fires? Through there. Oooh...you're going to have a good time. 310 00:23:24,599 --> 00:23:27,759 I can feel the blood squelching. Can you hear it? 311 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:30,180 - Yes. - Listen. 312 00:23:33,759 --> 00:23:37,480 Oh, look at you, Alan. You should be in hospital. 313 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,140 Some of these people have come from Stoke. 314 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:46,500 - Shall I go on for you? - Lynn, you couldn't present a cat. 315 00:23:47,319 --> 00:23:49,109 (APPLAUSE) 316 00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:53,230 (MUSIC) 317 00:24:00,759 --> 00:24:02,579 A-ha! 318 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,390 What a year it's been for Dante Fires. 319 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,210 Maybe you're here tonight with a wife or an old flame. 320 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,140 But what is the burning issue? 321 00:24:15,799 --> 00:24:18,990 Hit your targets or you'll be fired. 322 00:24:22,279 --> 00:24:25,019 But today is also about fun. 323 00:24:25,559 --> 00:24:29,069 Have you all got your fun packs? I've got one here. 324 00:24:31,279 --> 00:24:33,140 I've got a list here. 325 00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:37,349 It should contain a torch a Curly Wurly, a book of stamps, 326 00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:42,609 a digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor 327 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:47,720 and a copy of the "Daily Express". Ooh...it's a good paper. 328 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,369 First of all tonight is my best... Christ. 329 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,740 Not Christ. Sorry, I keep saying Christ. 330 00:24:58,319 --> 00:25:02,039 I know some of you may be religious, and to you I apologi... 331 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,930 (VOMITS) 332 00:25:08,839 --> 00:25:10,589 (BANG) 333 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,579 I was supposed to hit that later...to finish. 334 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,700 A glittering year ahead. 335 00:25:24,039 --> 00:25:27,230 You might want to read your "Daily Express". 336 00:25:27,839 --> 00:25:32,259 Don't shine that torch in my face, mate. I've just lost a pint of blood. 337 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:39,579 On now, as we look back on a fantastic year... I'm going to be sick again. 338 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,450 (RETCHES) 339 00:25:50,519 --> 00:25:53,150 You know when there's nothing coming up? 340 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,329 August bucked the trend for a downturn in fireplace sales... 341 00:26:13,839 --> 00:26:15,799 Urrgh... 342 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,579 I sound like the devil. 343 00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:23,700 Foot's come out of my shoe. That's not going back in. 344 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,710 Do you want some more glitter? 345 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,849 Two grand, that cost. 346 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:39,849 I was going to give out some awards, but that's not going to happen. 347 00:26:40,759 --> 00:26:42,509 Look at me. 348 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,549 Go and eat some coffee. Drink it. 349 00:26:47,039 --> 00:26:49,779 It's soup you can eat. But lots of liquid. 350 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:58,819 - Are we nearly there? - Keep moving. That's it. 351 00:26:59,559 --> 00:27:03,559 - I'm not the Vietnam. I'm taking this off. - No. leave it. 352 00:27:04,279 --> 00:27:07,609 - This doesn't feel like a treat. - That way. 353 00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:10,829 Take it off now. 354 00:27:12,759 --> 00:27:15,390 I've made you a helicopter landing pad. 355 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,420 - It's a small "H". - No, man. You can see that from space. 356 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:28,930 I don't want aliens to see this from space. It will be embarrassing. 357 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,339 They will look down through their giant telescope 358 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,980 and say, "That idiot's got a baby "H". 359 00:27:37,559 --> 00:27:41,809 I done it just to cheer you up because the fireplace job was knackered 360 00:27:42,559 --> 00:27:46,950 and Apache Productions will probably go down the pan like all the others. 361 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,480 Michael, that may very, very well be the case, 362 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,269 but I am happy. 363 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,829 That may very, very well be because I'm on morphine. 364 00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:04,509 - They should have put "M" on your forehead. - Why? 365 00:28:05,079 --> 00:28:10,000 You do that with battlefield casualties so the doctors know they've had morphine. 366 00:28:10,839 --> 00:28:15,049 - It's not so a little helicopter can land? - Helicopter doesn't begin with "M". 367 00:28:15,799 --> 00:28:17,829 I'd like that, though. 368 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:22,880 It's rotor blades could cool you down like a little hand fan. 369 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,069 - On your forehead. - You've had morphine. 370 00:28:26,559 --> 00:28:29,930 - Do you want some Sugar Puffs? - That'll be nice. 371 00:28:30,559 --> 00:28:34,140 Aah. Still thinking about the little helicopters. 372 00:28:34,799 --> 00:28:39,930 - You're away with the helicopters. - Like "MASH". That begins with an "M".