1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,470
(WOMAN) That was truly amazing, June.

3
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:12,359
- who's had us in stitches.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)

4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:17,420
It's tome for us to hand over to Alan Partridge,
Are you ready, Alan?

5
00:00:18,199 --> 00:00:20,550
- Yes. Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Alan,

6
00:00:21,039 --> 00:00:24,550
The Nesbitt sisters there.
Tonight, we're talking about death.

7
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,019
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

8
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,879
(MAN) Wivenhoe, Flitwick, Tiptree,

9
00:00:31,519 --> 00:00:36,789
Holbeach, Pinchbeck
Terrington St Clement, Thetford Forest.

10
00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:41,929
It's 10p,m,
this is "Norfolk Nights" with Alan Partridge.

11
00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:47,770
How would you like to be disposed of
when you're dead?

12
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:52,159
We're taking e-mails on that tonight,
starting with Mike who's 24.

13
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:58,070
He wants to be buried in a large satin-lined
coffin with a couple of Page Three stunners.

14
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,890
They're alive, he says... I'm not reading this.

15
00:01:05,719 --> 00:01:07,890
One here from Susan from Spixworth.

16
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:13,140
She'd like her ashes to be scattered
in a meadow. That's the kind of thing we want.

17
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:24,260
Sorry. We're also taking emails
on the big question. What happens after we die?

18
00:01:25,159 --> 00:01:27,620
Frederick emails to say he has four children.

19
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:32,299
He has a new baby boy, Joshua,
and his daughter has just started school.

20
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,129
He thinks that after death there is nothing.

21
00:01:36,719 --> 00:01:41,430
OK. Two questions. How are we going to eat
and what floor's the restaurant on?

22
00:01:42,239 --> 00:01:46,239
The answer is "The Chinese Way" and Level 42.

23
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,920
Ooh, a dead daddy-long-legs.

24
00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,219
I'm still drinking it.

25
00:01:59,599 --> 00:02:04,659
Ooh, that was Terence Trent D'Arby,
cocky man from the '80s,

26
00:02:05,519 --> 00:02:09,490
helping everyone relax in "Alan's Deep Bath".

27
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:12,449
Alan's Deep Bath,

28
00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,129
We're down to the final lather.

29
00:02:15,599 --> 00:02:19,360
Just relax. There's a foamy bit on your shoulder.

30
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:23,620
let's make it more frothy
with a squirt of light lemon liquid.

31
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,719
Don't you feel good? Relax.

32
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,360
Don't fall asleep and slip under...
terrible statistics about that.

33
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,009
Let's just finish your neck off now
with some final suds.

34
00:02:37,719 --> 00:02:39,750
Mmmm.

35
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:44,750
- Alan's Deep Bath..
- Brought to you by Dettol,

36
00:02:45,439 --> 00:02:49,719
It's 1 a.m. Calling all pigeons.
There's a cat amongst you.

37
00:02:50,479 --> 00:02:52,479
That cat's name is Dave Clifton

38
00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,180
purr-opping up the bar in his fictional "Nightclub".

39
00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,870
Better being in a fictional nightclub
than in a fictional bath, Alan.

40
00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:04,270
It's better than having fictional listeners.

41
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,770
It's bad enough sitting on your own
in a real nightclub, which you do,

42
00:03:09,479 --> 00:03:12,569
but a fictional one is the worth of boast worlds.

43
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,689
Don't you mean the worst of both worlds?

44
00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:20,169
No. I do mean the worth of boast worlds.

45
00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:26,289
In the world of boasters - not the biscuits
but people who boast, like you -

46
00:03:27,199 --> 00:03:29,449
their worth is worth...

47
00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,449
OK. Here's Matt Bianco.

48
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,030
(MUSIC: "GET OUT OF YOUR LAZY BED")

49
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:39,039
Chap on the wrong side of the pumps.

50
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:44,020
Amazing how many people think the petrol cap
to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.

51
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:49,189
- When will they learn?
- That, Michael, is sad.

52
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:54,000
There's no point pulling it.
He's determined to make it reach.

53
00:03:55,400 --> 00:04:00,280
- Oh, he has done.
- Was it a good show? Anyone phone in?

54
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,280
Had a discussion about reincarnation
with a chap

55
00:04:04,879 --> 00:04:09,020
who was convinced that in a previous life
he'd been Arthur Askey.

56
00:04:09,759 --> 00:04:14,569
I pointed out that his and Askey's life
had overlapped and he backed down.

57
00:04:16,439 --> 00:04:21,079
I believe in reincarnation.
I'd like to come back as an animal, like a dolphin.

58
00:04:21,879 --> 00:04:26,660
- Dolphins are quite intelligent.
- I can jump through a hoop and catch fish.

59
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,730
- Can you really?
- Yeah.

60
00:04:30,199 --> 00:04:32,800
But can you do this?
(MAKES CLICKING NOISE)

61
00:04:33,319 --> 00:04:35,949
- What's that?
- A dolphin chatting.

62
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,670
I can do a whale. Oooh!

63
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,449
That's a homosexual.

64
00:04:44,439 --> 00:04:48,759
It's a fascinating subject, reincarnation.
l wonder what Lynn would come back as.

65
00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:54,470
- A badger. I see her as a badger.
- I can imagine her sniffing the air.

66
00:04:55,319 --> 00:04:58,129
- Then smack her with a shovel.
- I wouldn't do that.

67
00:05:01,519 --> 00:05:06,050
- Not even if she was a badger.
- You have to control them. They've got TB.

68
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:09,120
So had the Bronti sisters.

69
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,290
I wouldn't hit them with a shovel
no matter how bad the books were'.

70
00:05:13,959 --> 00:05:18,490
"Heathcliff!" Pang!
Then he really would be wuthering.

71
00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,399
Look, a Lexus. It's a better one than yours.

72
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:27,100
Since owning a Lexus,
it's amazing the number of Lexi you see around.

73
00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:29,800
That's the plural.

74
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,009
The "Daily Mail"?
Arguably the best newspaper in the world.

75
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,629
- Oh, yes.
- Nice Lexus.

76
00:05:38,079 --> 00:05:40,250
Yes. I love Lexi.

77
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,660
- I say that Lexus is like the...
- (BOTH) Japanese Mercedes.

78
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,220
Yeah. I hate Mercs.
People who drive them are just sa-a-ad.

79
00:05:51,879 --> 00:05:54,550
- Are you wearing lynx?
- Well smelt. Voodoo.

80
00:05:55,079 --> 00:05:56,899
Java.

81
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,949
- Alan Partridge.
- Dan Moody.

82
00:06:01,519 --> 00:06:03,339
I wear Tommy Hilfinger.

83
00:06:04,879 --> 00:06:07,649
- It's Hilfiger.
- It says Hilfinger on the bottle.

84
00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:10,939
- Did you buy it down the market?
- Aye.

85
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,129
Amazing Lexus connection.

86
00:06:13,519 --> 00:06:16,610
- Do you drink Director's?
- I've got it on tap.

87
00:06:17,199 --> 00:06:19,370
- I'm joking.
- Great!

88
00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,139
We both like the "Daily Mail", we both drive Lexi.

89
00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:26,779
- Plural.
- Plural. And we both drink Director's.

90
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,269
It's like "The X-Files", but a pleasant one.

91
00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,329
- The Lex Files.
- God, that's good.

92
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,509
- Can I shake your hand again?
- Take a card.

93
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,149
Card with a handshake?
I used to do that, but kept getting it wrong.

94
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:44,199
Gave a paper cut to a man from Nestle.

95
00:06:45,319 --> 00:06:48,300
- You own Kitchen Planet on the A416?
- The very same.

96
00:06:48,879 --> 00:06:52,040
- It's massive.
- 10,OOO square feet of kitchens.

97
00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:55,970
- I know who you are. "Norfolk Nights".
- The very same.

98
00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:02,149
And "Skirmish", a military-based quiz show
on digital cable channel UK Conquest

99
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:07,889
that has the largest audience share
for a digital channel at that time of day

100
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,509
in the Norfolk area.

101
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,850
You should do him a cheap kitchen.

102
00:07:13,279 --> 00:07:17,069
Michael, I wouldn't ask for
a 25% discount on a kitchen.

103
00:07:17,759 --> 00:07:21,060
- I can get you a kitchen.
- Fancy a Flav?

104
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,610
- Flavia? Good call.
- King of coffees.

105
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,160
- In off the red!
- How do you take it?

106
00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:29,649
- Unleaded.
- Mine's diesel.

107
00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:32,500
- What does that mean?
- I don't know.

108
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,779
We should go for a proper drink.
You provide quality kitchens and I provide...

109
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,339
- Quality radio.
- And I work in a petrol station.

110
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:46,550
- It's just me and Dan going.
- Fine. I'll just get hammered on me own.

111
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,410
I'll walk you to your Lexus.

112
00:07:50,879 --> 00:07:55,089
- Shall I put these on the tab?
- I wish I could afford a tab!

113
00:07:55,839 --> 00:07:59,029
I can afford one. I've got a six-figure income.

114
00:08:01,639 --> 00:08:04,240
Sonja, that was classic intercourse.

115
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,170
So...thanks.

116
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,689
Let's pop the extractor fan on,
get a through draught going.

117
00:08:15,439 --> 00:08:19,860
- Alan, do you want an egg in a bap?
- Yes, please.

118
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:26,430
- Here comes your egg in a bap.
- Great. Mmm. Yum-yum.

119
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,050
Oh, it's plastic.

120
00:08:30,319 --> 00:08:33,620
I'll look back on that
as an excellent practical joke.

121
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,289
- Is there a whoopee cushion in here?
- Yes.

122
00:08:37,879 --> 00:08:39,769
That'll take me by surprise.

123
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,480
(FARTING NOISE)

124
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,240
Where's Lynn? She's never late.

125
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,340
So, this Dan the kitchen man...
You think he will be friend?

126
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,230
Yes. I'm convinced he's my best friend.

127
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:58,409
It will be difficult day for me in coffee shop.
I have to cut the carrot cake.

128
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,549
And they say nurses have it tough.

129
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,179
- (KNOCKING)
- Good, Lynn. Come in.

130
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:10,490
Sorry I'm late. I mean, I know I'm not late.
I'm just a little bit late.

131
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,490
- Did you get...
- I couldn't find my keys.

132
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:19,299
I had a late night. We went for a curry
and as we left, the heavens opened

133
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:25,220
and we were stuck in the foyer,
just pointing at the rain, saying, "We're stuck."

134
00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:30,809
Has your mother's death just hit you?

135
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,490
No. We were stuck in the foyer...

136
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,169
- Who's we?
- Me and my friend from church.

137
00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:38,289
- What's her name?
- It's a he.

138
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,470
Right, Lynn. Sit down.

139
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,240
(FARTING NOISE)

140
00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,539
Don't worry.
It's just a cushion that simulates rectal gas.

141
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,379
- What's his name?
- Gordon.

142
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,809
- How long has Gordon been at church?
- A few weeks. He's just moved here.

143
00:09:56,519 --> 00:10:00,419
- He's a con man.
- No. He's a retired policeman.

144
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,679
Lynn, bigamists have several identities.

145
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,769
To men like that, your building society books
make fascinating reading.

146
00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:12,090
Sorry. Just thinking of that rain.

147
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,039
Stop laughing, Lynn. You're laughing at weather!

148
00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:19,000
You're like your mother in her last weeks.

149
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,899
- (BUZZING)
- We'll have to have a serious talk.

150
00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:25,240
(PHONE RINGS)

151
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,710
Partridge. You're through to the static home.

152
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:32,649
Dan. Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire!

153
00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:37,139
I knew it was you. I keyed it in
when I drove home. Nearly hit a badger.

154
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:42,330
They're pests, aren't they?
Yeah. They cary TB.

155
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:48,419
So how's it hanging? Yes, I dress on the left too!

156
00:10:50,279 --> 00:10:52,070
Love to. Yeah.

157
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:57,330
Dan has asked me to present a prize
at the Norfolk Bravery Awards tonight.

158
00:10:58,159 --> 00:11:00,440
Yeah. I'd be delighted.

159
00:11:00,919 --> 00:11:04,110
No, please! No! Oh, Sorry.

160
00:11:06,919 --> 00:11:12,009
My Ukrainian girlfriend attacked me
with a rubber hammer. She's mildly cretinous.

161
00:11:12,879 --> 00:11:14,629
OK. Bye. Bye.

162
00:11:15,039 --> 00:11:18,059
You know who's going to be
at the Norfolk Bravery Awards?

163
00:11:18,639 --> 00:11:19,899
- Who?
- Who?!

164
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,210
Anyone who's anyone who's in the Norfolk area.

165
00:11:24,919 --> 00:11:27,940
- Do you want me to come, Alan?
- No, thanks, Lynn.

166
00:11:28,519 --> 00:11:30,980
You and Gordon can go and laugh at drizzle.

167
00:11:32,639 --> 00:11:36,919
Tonight I will try some of my jokes
and make brave people laugh again.

168
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,679
- Shall I...
- Keep her away from dignitaries.

169
00:11:43,159 --> 00:11:46,210
- What about brave people?
- She can mingle with them.

170
00:11:46,799 --> 00:11:50,279
She might use a whoopee cushion
on someone with M.E.

171
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,549
- I'll be off, then.
- One more thing. Ha!

172
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,590
It's a joke knife! It's a joke knife!

173
00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,750
It's funnier than rain.

174
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,500
Dan's a fantastic man. He really is.

175
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,330
I was making him laugh on the phone.

176
00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:23,009
He was asking what kind of phone I had
and I said, "A Motorola Timeport."

177
00:12:23,759 --> 00:12:27,690
And he said
"That's sa-a-ad! You ought to upgrade,"

178
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,539
and I said, "So do you, to a new face!"

179
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:36,440
He nearly soiled himself! He laughed so much
he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils.

180
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,639
And that made me laugh.

181
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,580
But my nostrils were clear.

182
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:48,409
You can drown in a cup of coffee.
Or is it an inch of water? Aaagh!

183
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,509
Alan, look. You're taking a man to the party.

184
00:12:55,159 --> 00:12:57,190
Get it off her.

185
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:00,879
Look, Sonja.

186
00:13:02,879 --> 00:13:04,039
Alan!

187
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,990
Well done, Lynn. That was textbook.

188
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,720
I will. I will. But, Lynn,
please have a word with the builder.

189
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:20,259
The other day his jeans were so far off
his backside, you could see his anus.

190
00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:24,129
There's Dan. Dan!

191
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,629
Dan!

192
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,080
Dan!

193
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,779
Dan!

194
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,279
Dan!

195
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,429
Dan! Dan!

196
00:13:35,879 --> 00:13:37,879
Dan! Dan!

197
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,549
Dan!

198
00:13:39,879 --> 00:13:41,139
Dan!

199
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:42,639
Dan!

200
00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,710
Dan! Dan!

201
00:13:46,919 --> 00:13:49,730
He's not seen me. I'll get him later.

202
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,950
Dan!

203
00:13:55,039 --> 00:13:56,620
Fine.

204
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:04,940
(APPLAUSE)

205
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,700
These awards are about people
like Susan Cresswell.

206
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:15,250
Susan is braver
than ten firemen or a dozen policemen.

207
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,460
Four years ago,
Susan lost her hand in a cake-cutting machine.

208
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:27,279
She managed to walk 4OO yards, holding
her hand in her other hand, and hailed a taxi.

209
00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:30,700
Imagine what that must have looked like.

210
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,480
The taxi driver drove her to a newsagent

211
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,419
where the hand was packed in Soleros,
Magnums, Mini Milks and a Feast.

212
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,200
After six hours of surgery,
the hand was sewn back on.

213
00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:46,830
Sadly, it didn't work, so off it came again,

214
00:14:47,399 --> 00:14:51,610
but she still had one good hand
and no one was taking that off her.

215
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,820
No one was suggesting they would.

216
00:14:55,320 --> 00:15:01,429
Four years later, she is credit controller
at Cromwell Certificated Bailiffs.

217
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:08,340
Please give a big ha... Applaud!
Applaud like mad for Susan Cresswell.

218
00:15:23,159 --> 00:15:25,789
Single-hand Sue tackling the buffet.

219
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,250
Like a human JCB.

220
00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:36,789
See that man with the big head
and the small face?

221
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,549
- That's Mike Yapley.
- Who owns the Car Supermarket?

222
00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:44,250
- The very same.
- He's got a heart of gold.

223
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,120
Teeth of gold as well!

224
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,809
I heard he hit a prostitute.

225
00:15:51,399 --> 00:15:55,720
- Alan. How was your visit to the lavatory?
- Mission accomplished.

226
00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:01,750
- Did you see Mr Brown and his friends off?
- Yes. I should get a bravery award for it!

227
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,179
No, seriously. It was textbook.

228
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,740
- This is Bob Fraser.
- I own Sexton's Garden Centre.

229
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,389
If a bomb went off in here tonight
the whole of society would collapse.

230
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,929
In Norwich...for a bit.

231
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,970
Lovely to meet you. I must see Mike Yapley.

232
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,360
Don't dress as a whore or he'll thump you.

233
00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:28,080
Alan, you must meet my lady wife Ceri.

234
00:16:28,679 --> 00:16:31,840
- I love your "Deep Bath".
- Dan's told me all about you.

235
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,269
- What did he say?
- He just said he was married.

236
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,519
Give him a twirl. Let the dog see the rabbit.

237
00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:42,850
But which is which? Sorry.

238
00:16:43,399 --> 00:16:46,879
I'm the dog. You're a terrific rabbit.

239
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,070
A lovely olden days map of Norfolk there.

240
00:16:51,559 --> 00:16:55,350
- They call Norfolk the rump of Britain.
- It looks like a boob.

241
00:16:56,039 --> 00:17:00,149
I stand corrected
said the man in the orthopaedic shoes!

242
00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:04,130
There goes Karen Colman.

243
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:07,059
- Colman's Mustard Colman?
- Yeah.

244
00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:11,980
- She is the Grace Kelly of Norfolk.
- Her house is massive.

245
00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:15,599
They use it in Hammer Horror films.
Can I talk to her?

246
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,950
It's a free county.

247
00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,289
- Oh.
- I'm keeping an eye on Sonja.

248
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,279
Make sure she doesn't have any stink bombs.

249
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:28,890
If she detonates those, it'll be the mother
of all pongs. Then we'll see who's brave.

250
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,789
..about 3OO.

251
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:37,809
I'd just started my speech
when the heavens opened.

252
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,849
Everybody got absolutely drenched.

253
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:45,640
So we moved ourselves into the marquee,
which was leaking like a sieve...

254
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,700
- Would you like to meet Karen Colman?
- Well...yes.

255
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,910
Room for a brave one? Beep-beep!

256
00:17:55,279 --> 00:18:00,650
Excuse me? Mustard. I mean, Karen.
This lady would love to meet you.

257
00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:05,069
- Hi. I'm Patricia Lessing.
- Karen Colman. Nice of you to come.

258
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:09,650
- I hope you're being looked after.
- Bob owns a garden centre.

259
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,819
- She's an amazing woman.
- My grandfather was in a wheelchair.

260
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:19,109
Was he born in a wheelchair?
Not sure what I meant by that.

261
00:18:19,759 --> 00:18:23,089
- Karen, could I bend your ear for a moment?
- Of course.

262
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,880
I help disabled people set up businesses...

263
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,529
Really? We must talk. Let me get you a drink.

264
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:34,380
Would you be brave enough
to let me finish my conversation?

265
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,259
- I want to talk about my project.
- It's just a meet and greet.

266
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,980
Go to the front of the buffet queue.

267
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,529
- Where's she gone?
- She drove off.

268
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:56,109
As a mustardess, if you like,
what's your view on the new kids on the block?

269
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,150
I mean things like Tabasco sauce and soy.

270
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,849
Do those keep you awake at night?

271
00:19:04,319 --> 00:19:08,569
As we say in our family,
too much mustard gets up your nose.

272
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:10,900
Marvellous.

273
00:19:11,279 --> 00:19:15,180
- So many brave people here today.
- So ruddy bloody brave.

274
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:20,160
I love brave people.
Sir Donald Campbell. Evel Knievel.

275
00:19:22,599 --> 00:19:25,410
Braveheart... And, of course, yourself.

276
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:31,400
I'm not brave. I do my bit at events like this
and fund-raising for mental health charities.

277
00:19:32,319 --> 00:19:36,599
That's one charity I avoid.
Don't want to get tarred with the mad brush.

278
00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,680
I really should go and mingle now.

279
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,329
I have mental health problems.

280
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:48,809
Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have realised.
I did wonder when I first met you.

281
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:53,230
I won't bore you with the details,
but I drove to Dundee in bare feet

282
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,390
after buying the rights to K-9,
the robot dog from "Dr Who".

283
00:19:58,039 --> 00:20:01,589
We must talk.
I've done an awful lot of work in that field.

284
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,410
Did you find out how much she's got?

285
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:10,430
You know that thing about Norfolk being
like a breast? Ceri said the A47 is the areola!

286
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,710
That's not really my kind of humour.

287
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,710
I arrest you on suspicion
of sucking up to a mustard magnate.

288
00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:20,680
- You're not a copper.
- A citizen's arrest.

289
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,509
- I'll shoot you.
- I've got a bulletproof blazer.

290
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,349
- I'll go for the head.
- I'm the Terminator!

291
00:20:26,839 --> 00:20:29,009
I've got your kids, Dan.

292
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,950
Oh, cook a cat!

293
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:39,079
I met a guy called Jack on the internet,
then he went back to his wife.

294
00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:42,990
- My boyfriend call him Jack shit!
- Is she annoying you?

295
00:20:43,599 --> 00:20:47,529
No. She's been telling me
the problems in getting into this county.

296
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,519
I think people like Sonja
should be helped to settle here, permanently.

297
00:20:53,279 --> 00:20:55,910
You have to judge each case on its merits.

298
00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:01,880
Listen. Things are beginning to wind down.
I've got some friends coming to the house.

299
00:21:02,799 --> 00:21:06,940
- Splendid and tremendous.
- It's a girls-only night tonight.

300
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,490
Loads of women talking blabbering crap?

301
00:21:13,319 --> 00:21:16,480
Look, I am brave. My eye is falling out!

302
00:21:17,079 --> 00:21:20,059
That's the tip of the iceberg.

303
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,829
- Oh, you think it's funny.
- I'm Sorry.

304
00:21:24,319 --> 00:21:29,170
This'll make you laugh. You say too much mustard
gets up your nose? Nonsense.

305
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:40,670
I'm going to give Sonja a telephone number.
There's someone you should talk to.

306
00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:46,099
- I just need some water.
- Bye, Alan.

307
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,890
I won't kiss you goodbye.
I'll kiss you later. And the rest. Whoa!

308
00:21:57,319 --> 00:22:00,440
Lynn. Have you seen Dan?

309
00:22:01,039 --> 00:22:04,339
No. I think everyone's gone now.

310
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,440
Right. And what are you doing?

311
00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:11,990
I'm going out with Gordon.
You're welcome to come.

312
00:22:12,559 --> 00:22:14,950
No, no. I've got lots of plans.

313
00:22:22,559 --> 00:22:24,170
Shitty zombies!

314
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,839
Michael?

315
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,640
Michael.

316
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,299
Oh... No, no.

317
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,009
- (BARKING)
- Someone lock the dog in!

318
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,259
- Oh, it's Partridge.
- Hello, Michael.

319
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,539
- I can't sell you any petrol.
- I was passing. I thought I'd...

320
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,910
- Oh, right.
-..say hello.

321
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,970
- Would you like some soup?
- I'm not a tramp.

322
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,920
- I'm offering you something to eat.
- What have you got?

323
00:23:03,559 --> 00:23:06,509
- I can do you a cup of beans.
- A cup of beans?

324
00:23:07,079 --> 00:23:10,339
Have you never had a cup of beans?
You're in for a treat.

325
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,779
- Stay there.
- Right.

326
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:24,170
As ordered. One cup of beans.
I've put a sausage in. It's a Michael special.

327
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,369
- Lovely. It's like a savoury 99.
- Aye.

328
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,660
Use the sausage to scoop the beans out.

329
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,690
- Have you got a spoon?
- No.

330
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,450
- You haven't got a spoon?
- There's one in the bathroom.

331
00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:48,670
- Are you all right?
- I'm watching a documentary about Triads.

332
00:23:50,279 --> 00:23:53,859
I wonder how they get those swords
through customs.

333
00:23:54,519 --> 00:23:59,089
- Probably put them in a cardboard tube.
- That's a good idea.

334
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,319
- Bye.
- Bye.

335
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,710
- What do you want me to do with this...
- Put it on the step.

336
00:24:20,559 --> 00:24:24,740
Hello, Lynn. I'm at Dan's big house.
Can you come with the kitchen brochures?

337
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:30,190
That's Smeg, Neff, Poggenpohl and Bosch.

338
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,150
- Come on in.
- Can we still talk about kitchens?

339
00:24:35,759 --> 00:24:40,569
- I speak no other language. Drink?
- Yeah. Big shot of Director's bitter.

340
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,170
- Hello, Alan.
- Hello.

341
00:24:46,599 --> 00:24:49,410
- Budge up.
- Sorry I'm a bit late.

342
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:54,559
- What have you been up to?
- Tried to out-dance a computer. Impossible.

343
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:59,960
Then I fought some zombies with a boy in care.
Wiped the floor with him.

344
00:25:00,759 --> 00:25:03,849
Your hand is about 3O mil from my gland.

345
00:25:05,279 --> 00:25:08,579
If I was dressed on the other side
it would be in contact.

346
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,660
Your little finger just touched it.
I'll just pop that there.

347
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,490
- The kitchen? This is the one for you.
- Right.

348
00:25:18,079 --> 00:25:20,250
- Budge up.
- That way?

349
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,670
That's a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic.

350
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,799
That's you. You're naked.

351
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,240
That's you. Hello, Dan.

352
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,349
Is that a granite work surface
that's supporting you both?

353
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:45,289
Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute?

354
00:25:45,759 --> 00:25:49,589
Corian is to marble and granite
what MDF is to wood.

355
00:25:50,279 --> 00:25:54,529
- I've got wood there.
- That's MDF. Oh, you're making a joke.

356
00:25:55,279 --> 00:25:57,910
- MDF's banned in America.
- So's that.

357
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,890
(MOANS OF PLEASURE)

358
00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:08,529
Oh. All done.

359
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,569
- I'll go.
- Alan!

360
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:16,660
I've just remembered my dad is still dead.
My dad's dead.

361
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,940
- Alan?
- That was quick.

362
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,490
- I brought the brochures.
- Can I get you a drink?

363
00:26:24,079 --> 00:26:26,539
- A Bailey's, please.
- Take a seat.

364
00:26:27,039 --> 00:26:28,900
Sit there. Sit there.

365
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:34,349
- This is a comfy sofa.
- Oh, Jesus!

366
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,559
- I'll get the drinks.
- Aah!

367
00:26:38,079 --> 00:26:40,109
I'll see where your drink is.

368
00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,720
- Lynn, these are sex people.
- What do you mean?

369
00:26:45,319 --> 00:26:49,150
They're sex swappers!
This is Defcon One. Look.

370
00:26:49,839 --> 00:26:53,279
- Urgh!
- Don't make the same noise as them!

371
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,730
They'll think you'll want to join in. I'll pause it.

372
00:26:57,279 --> 00:27:01,920
I've hit fast forward.
looks like a sort of hardcore Benny Hill.

373
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,690
- That's the work surface I told you about.
- Lynn, your Bailey's.

374
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:11,329
No, thanks.
I don't want to be part of your sex festival.

375
00:27:12,039 --> 00:27:14,289
Sex festival?

376
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:17,710
- Can I be very rude? Not like that.
- Ty me.

377
00:27:18,279 --> 00:27:20,670
I don't want to have sex with your wife.

378
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:26,819
Even though, from the promotional video,
I can see I would have a ruddy good time.

379
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,650
- A little hug?
- A quick one.

380
00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:33,259
Don't rub your fanny on me.

381
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,809
Look forward to listening
to your "Deep Bath" later, Alan.

382
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,509
Yeah.

383
00:27:41,799 --> 00:27:45,099
"From Felixstowe to Spalding, all the issues."

384
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,049
It's 11.3O. Time for my "Deep Bath".

385
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,849
Alan's Deep Bath,

386
00:27:52,319 --> 00:27:54,779
We're stopping this after tonight.

387
00:27:55,279 --> 00:27:57,980
There's the bath, hop in, there's a loofah...

388
00:27:58,519 --> 00:28:02,450
Do be clean.
There's a big coarse towel on the radiator.

389
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,549
Don't forget to rinse the bath.
Use the shower nozzle to blast off the scum.

390
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:10,069
Here's Brian and Michael.

391
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,980
# He painted Salford's smoky tops
On cardboard boxes from the shops

392
00:28:15,759 --> 00:28:19,339
# And parts of Ancoats where I used to play

393
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,180
# I'm sure he once walked down our street

394
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,490
# 'Cause he painted kids
who had nowt on their feet

395
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:31,589
# The clothes we wore had all seen better days

396
00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:38,559
# And he painted matchstalk men
and matchstalk cats and dogs

397
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:43,799
# He painted kids on the corner
of the street with the sparking clogs

398
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:51,049
# Now he takes his brush and he waits
outside them factory gates

399
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:56,269
# To paint his matchstalk men
and matchstick cats and dogs #

400
00:28:57,039 --> 00:28:58,369
King of Anglia!