1
00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:05,429
(SOFT SINGING)
# I loved you, but you left me #

2
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:12,500
That was Norwich-based singer
Christian le Vaux

3
00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:17,160
with a self-penned song
entitled "I loved You, But You left Me".

4
00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:22,129
He can't get a record deal.
There's no justice, Christian...le Vaux.

5
00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:26,500
It's the bank holiday weekend.
A terrible time for the lonely.

6
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:32,670
Which Christian testifies to on his second track.
"LonelyÉ'Cause You left Me".

7
00:00:34,439 --> 00:00:36,469
Tonight, we're think-abouting

8
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,710
which celebrity you'd spend a bank holiday with
and what would you do.

9
00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:44,909
Sue from Paston wants to sit down
with hotpot and red cabbage

10
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,609
and watch "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"
with Sting.

11
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:54,289
T. Gladden e-mails to say he'd like to clean out
the attic with the lovely Kate Winslet.

12
00:00:55,159 --> 00:01:00,530
On the line, we have, if I'm not mistaken
Roy from Caister St Edmund. Hello.

13
00:01:01,439 --> 00:01:04,810
- Hello,
- What ya doing? Who's with ya?

14
00:01:05,439 --> 00:01:08,180
I'd like to go round Legoland
with Sean Connery,

15
00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:12,200
then go for a lovely lamb lunch in Windsor,

16
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,010
I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea.

17
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:20,400
I think Sean would rather wander round
the wildfowl park in Pepperstock

18
00:01:21,239 --> 00:01:22,989
with a bottle of Scotch!

19
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,650
I don't agree, He'd go to Legoland. Bye.

20
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,450
(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

21
00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:33,939
Sorry. Music.
Hide the steak, it's Chrissie Hynde.

22
00:01:41,599 --> 00:01:45,040
When they found him,
he still had the remote in his hand.

23
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:49,230
That was moving rabbit classic "Bright Eyes".

24
00:01:49,879 --> 00:01:52,480
A cheeky chappie who's staring into the abyss

25
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,299
of having to spend three days with himself -

26
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,730
the insomniac's boyfriend, David Clifton.

27
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,040
Good evening, Alan. I'm not so sure about that.

28
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,810
I'm seeing a friend at the weekend.

29
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,610
- Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels?
- No.

30
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,759
Glenmorangie?

31
00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:17,180
No. I'm seeing Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet.

32
00:02:17,759 --> 00:02:20,430
- Rubbish!
- I'm on an archery weekend with him.

33
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,449
- Really?
- We both do archery. I'm grade three.

34
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,009
I'm hoping to get my grade four this weekend.

35
00:02:27,599 --> 00:02:31,389
- How do you... Can l...
- What are you doing this weekend?

36
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,449
I'm watching all the Bond films
with my friend Michael.

37
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,169
- The guy who works at the garage?
- I know where he works.

38
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:44,469
There goes Alan Partridge,
licensed to kill...time by watching videos.

39
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,580
Good one. Arrows are deceitful.

40
00:02:49,199 --> 00:02:52,530
When a cowboy fires a gun,
the bang gives you a chance to duck.

41
00:02:53,159 --> 00:02:56,280
When a cowboy has an arrow fired at him,
he hears nothing.

42
00:02:56,879 --> 00:02:59,300
If he's lucky, it sticks in his hat,

43
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,909
but more often than not
it sticks in his back and he dies on the horse

44
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,569
that rides off like that.

45
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,090
- Yeah. Bye, Alan.
- Also, archers.

46
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:16,159
I hate archers, "The Archers" and Jeffrey Archer.
You're all deceitful cowards.

47
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,500
That only applies to archers and Jeffrey Archer,

48
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,229
but not "The Archers"
who are a mixed bag. Goodbye.

49
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,860
OK. What are we doing to the planet?
Well, it's "Purple Rain".

50
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,860
- Bang! I'm James Bond.
- Got us in the neck.

51
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,080
You'll survive if it doesn't sever the spinal column.

52
00:03:41,599 --> 00:03:44,719
I wouldn't be able to talk. I'd just go uh-uh.

53
00:03:45,319 --> 00:03:49,960
I love the gadgets. Pay attention, Bond.
Simply remove the top of this pen...

54
00:03:50,759 --> 00:03:55,289
- jab it into somebody's eye, like that.
- That's not a gadget, Michael.

55
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,960
That's just monstrous use of a biro.

56
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,030
(LIVERPUDLIAN) There's an advert for it.

57
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,680
Truckfest. It's coming to Ipswich!

58
00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:06,909
- David Soul's gonna be there.
- Yeah.

59
00:04:07,319 --> 00:04:09,949
(THEY HONK)

60
00:04:10,479 --> 00:04:15,849
Imagine that, Mike. Driving across the States
on one of them roads - Route 66.

61
00:04:16,759 --> 00:04:20,519
- Sleeping in motels.
- Just going into a shop and buying a gun.

62
00:04:21,199 --> 00:04:23,519
(THEY HoNK)

63
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:28,920
They're actually left-hand drive. So you'd
just be grabbing photographs of your family.

64
00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,449
Or rosary beads if you were from Mexico.

65
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,949
- Do you want to serve this guy?
- He's a friend.

66
00:04:37,519 --> 00:04:40,540
- Oh. All right? The name's Tex.
- Text?

67
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,839
No. Tex. Short for Terry and Texas and that.

68
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,009
- He likes American stuff.
- Oh.

69
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,490
- Alan likes James Bond.
- You're a Bond guy?

70
00:04:55,040 --> 00:05:00,449
- My man's got to be Wayne.
- Wayne Sleep? The jacket and the boots.

71
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,470
No. Wayne.
"Get off your horse and drink your milk."

72
00:05:06,199 --> 00:05:08,339
Yeah. Wayne Sleep.

73
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:13,189
Mike, I'm just gonna grab a Dr Pepper
from the cooler. Stick it on my tab.

74
00:05:13,959 --> 00:05:18,029
I'm going to get a Ginster's from the fridge.
Put it on the slate.

75
00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:25,790
- I can't wait to get back to the States.
- I used to hang around the States.

76
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,699
- Where?
- Florida mainly... A fortnight in Florida.

77
00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:37,399
- Yeah. Good days.
- Florida, eh? Walt Disney.

78
00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:41,569
He lived the American dream.
Built a huge empire.

79
00:05:42,199 --> 00:05:45,360
I thought he just drew pictures of mice.

80
00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:50,490
I prefer David Attenborough.
He's more honest. He interviews real mice.

81
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,189
- I'm gonna hit the road. Check you later.
- Check you later.

82
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,610
(THEY HoNK)

83
00:05:59,839 --> 00:06:02,470
- Nice to meet you, Colin.
- Colin?

84
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,769
- Walt Disney! Animals never wore clothes.
- Hang on.

85
00:06:08,399 --> 00:06:10,259
(HONKING)

86
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,889
- There he goes.
- Is that his pickup truck?

87
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,990
- Aye. He calls it Convoy.
- Convoy?

88
00:06:16,519 --> 00:06:21,329
You're hanging around with a man
who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.

89
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,860
- He likes American things.
- Like Dr Pepper?

90
00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:28,100
- Aye.
- Tastes like fizzy Benylin.

91
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:32,399
So how long's "Like A Rhinestone Cowboy"
been coming in?

92
00:06:33,079 --> 00:06:37,009
- About 18 month... Two year.
- Do you chat to any other men?

93
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,319
Aye. Including you, four regulars.

94
00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:44,430
Michael, what the hell's going on?

95
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:51,449
It's just, you know, men who want
someone to talk to. They're just lonely.

96
00:06:53,959 --> 00:06:58,490
I cannot not talk to the customers.
My badge says, "Michael. I'm here to help."

97
00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,120
- No. It just says "Michael".
- Aye, it does.

98
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:06,120
- Why did you think it said the rest?
- I must have dreamt it.

99
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:11,870
- Bond weekend. Me and you.
- I don't remember inviting you.

100
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:17,089
I think you've put two and two together
and you've made five

101
00:07:17,879 --> 00:07:21,250
or, as the Americans say, "Fi-i-ive."

102
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,189
- Do you want that Kit Kat?
- No.

103
00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:33,829
- You'll have to pay for that.
- Put it on the slate.

104
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,649
Actually, I'll eat it.

105
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,779
- All right, Al?
- Aagh!

106
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:04,129
- What are you doing? It's a bank holiday.
- I had to do those dodgy floor joists.

107
00:08:04,959 --> 00:08:09,379
- What was that you were doing?
- I was just walking through my house.

108
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,810
- In the style of James Bond.
- It was quite good.

109
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,779
- You'd make a good James Bond.
- Really?

110
00:08:18,399 --> 00:08:23,209
I like "Goldfinger". That bit
where the laser beam's going up his jaffas.

111
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,970
We should talk more.
I've got lots of subjects to chat about.

112
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,299
I used to chat to another bloke
but he likes American things.

113
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,470
- What do you think of American things?
- A bit full of themselves.

114
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,679
Abso-bloody-exactly!

115
00:08:40,759 --> 00:08:43,080
- Not my cup of tea.
- We could do a Bond film.

116
00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,090
You could be my stuntman.
You've got a good physique.

117
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,100
I don't want it to get too big.
It's your pec muscles you start off with.

118
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:56,059
Sort out your pecs, do your bench presses.
Here, have a prod of that.

119
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:04,090
Yeah, very firm. Mine are more or less the same,
just fractionally more flaccid.

120
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:11,139
Apart from that, I've got a smooth chest
with a ring of hairs round each nipple

121
00:09:12,039 --> 00:09:16,320
and a thin line that sort of builds
towards the usual place.

122
00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:25,000
Bye.

123
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,740
Right, Sonja. Let's sort this timetable out.

124
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,649
9 a.m., "Doctor No". Break for a pee.

125
00:09:34,279 --> 00:09:39,059
I need at least three minutes to urinate.
Seems to take forever these days.

126
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:43,210
I never thought, when I was in my 20s,
I'd have to push.

127
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,370
- Next?
- 11.05, "From Russia With love".

128
00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:50,809
1.15, "Goldfinger".
Strawberry Nesquik, fishcakes.

129
00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:56,350
3.35, "Thunderball". Dump. Question mark.

130
00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:00,950
See how I feel after the fishcakes.

131
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,370
- How long?
- 20 minutes. We'll allow for complications.

132
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,240
6.15, "You Only live Twice".
Tin of Director's.

133
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:16,179
8.20, "Diamonds Are Forever". Put the roast on
as soon as you see the moon buggy.

134
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,629
- You are very brilliant. It's a clever schedule.
- Thank you.

135
00:10:23,159 --> 00:10:25,370
I love you, in a way.

136
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,950
You could be a Bond femme fatale
with your broken English.

137
00:10:32,639 --> 00:10:37,279
- You're sexy, but I don't trust you.
- James Bond doesn't live in a caravan.

138
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,700
No, but this could be a compact Swiss chalet.

139
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,009
About to be stormed
by 15 bad bastards in boiler suits.

140
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,610
Hello.

141
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,789
Bang-bang!

142
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,029
- You enjoyed that.
- (MACHINE-GUN NOISE)

143
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,129
- Was that a snub-nosed Uzi?
- Yes, I think it was.

144
00:11:02,799 --> 00:11:07,720
You're cheerful considering
it's the first anniversary of your mother's death.

145
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,120
- Life goes on.
- Can we finish the Bond schedule?

146
00:11:16,799 --> 00:11:19,220
You've allowed for the visit to the grave?

147
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,230
It's in the schedule.
Visit to your mother's grave, then "Doctor No".

148
00:11:23,879 --> 00:11:28,159
The underground base of an evil genius...
and then "Doctor No"!

149
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:41,029
If he takes you to grave, we'll be late for film
and our work will be destroyed.

150
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:46,259
- Can't you cut a less important film?
- Whoa! Whoa!

151
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:52,129
Whoa! Which are
the less important Bond films, Lynn?

152
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,789
- I've got to hear this.
- One of those Welsh ones.

153
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,740
The Timothy Dalton ones?
He didn't play it as a Welshman.

154
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:06,590
He didn't say, "The name's Bond,
Jones the Bond. Double O th-even."

155
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,570
"Licensed to ki-ch."

156
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,769
- Lynn, are you wearing perfume?
- Yes.

157
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,340
For a corpse?

158
00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:21,710
No. I'm having lunch
at TGl Friday's with Gordon.

159
00:12:22,279 --> 00:12:25,230
- The retired policeman who's not a con man?
- Yes.

160
00:12:25,799 --> 00:12:29,590
You can have Death By Chocolate
while he rifles your bank book.

161
00:12:30,279 --> 00:12:32,980
Spectacles, driving gloves, phone, wallet, keys.

162
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:35,940
- Sonja, did you get the piccalilli?
- Yes.

163
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,070
Excellent. Let's go to the graveyard.

164
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,590
Graveyards are so depressing.

165
00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:50,980
They remind me of death.

166
00:12:55,240 --> 00:13:00,470
There's a grave over there that I saw
that's of a man who died in 1872

167
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,529
and he was only three.

168
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,269
Snazzy headstone there.

169
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:12,480
That's one of those '80s ones.
Black granite. It's a waste, really.

170
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:18,039
If you sliced that up, you'd have most of
the work surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen.

171
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:25,500
I bet a lot of these go missing
and end up as work surfaces in luxury kitchens.

172
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:32,169
They'd have to turn them upside down,
so it didn't reveal the details of the dead

173
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:37,120
in recessed lettering,
which would also collect crumbs.

174
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:44,679
Lynn, the anniversary of a dead mum
is always a tough one.

175
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:51,039
But I am up against it with this Bondathon,
so if you could limit your mourning...

176
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,029
(GERMAN ACCENT)
..to no more than ten minutes!

177
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,539
- I'm tying to lighten the mood.
- You don't need to, Alan. I am not down.

178
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,019
You've got ten minutes. Go give it to her.

179
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,629
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

180
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,179
(HORN TOOTS)

181
00:14:38,559 --> 00:14:40,629
Ten minutes, Lynn!

182
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,980
- First year over.
- Yeah.

183
00:14:46,399 --> 00:14:51,110
She's probably up in heaven right now
complaining about "brown people".

184
00:14:53,639 --> 00:14:58,240
She stuck to her guns with all that
right to the end, even on the last day.

185
00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:03,820
The way she looked at that nurse.
God rest her racist soul.

186
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,470
- Jesus was from the Middle East.
- Was he? Jesus wasn't brown.

187
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,850
- Let's not have that discussion now.
- Can I come in?

188
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:18,279
- We don't need our drive tarmacking.
- This is Gordon.

189
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,149
Oh, Sorry.
l thought you were a tinker with tarmac.

190
00:15:22,759 --> 00:15:25,080
- Nice to meet you.
- And you.

191
00:15:25,559 --> 00:15:29,490
Make sure she's back by ten
and don't get her pregnant.

192
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,080
- You're keen on the Bible?
- I live by it.

193
00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:39,990
I was reading the book of Genesis the other day.
That bloody snake!

194
00:15:41,919 --> 00:15:45,149
Would you be prone to temptation like Adam?

195
00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:50,570
I think I'd be more preoccupied
by the fact I was encountering a talking snake.

196
00:15:51,399 --> 00:15:55,090
Whether I wanted an apple or not
would be a side issue.

197
00:15:55,759 --> 00:15:59,090
Even if it just rolled an apple towards me
and went...

198
00:16:01,639 --> 00:16:03,809
..I think I'd still be troubled.

199
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:08,559
Then I'd just put some trunks on
and sit down on the grass.

200
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,950
- We'll be off, then.
- Great.

201
00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:21,169
I've been wanting a word with you about Lynn.
I don't like the way you treat her.

202
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:26,360
If you don't start treating her better,
I'm going to knock your block off.

203
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,220
- Do I make myself clear?
- Yeah.

204
00:16:29,679 --> 00:16:33,509
- Do I make myself clear?
- Yeah... Yes.

205
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,059
- Keep the thought there.
- Aagh! I thought you were attacking me.

206
00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:42,519
I know when I'm being lied to.
I've been lied to a lot.

207
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:48,399
With respect, if you hang around with criminals,
you're gonna get lied to.

208
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,460
- Think on.
- I'm thinking on.

209
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:02,580
"Let Die", "Golden", "Raker"
"Eyes Only", "Pussy", "Daylight's".

210
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,869
"Nutty Professor II.. The Klumps"?

211
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,170
- I got it in a charity shop called Scope.
- Scope?

212
00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:16,210
Why do they change the name?
Consignia and Scope.

213
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:20,000
It's the Post Office and the Spastic Society.

214
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:22,990
Oh...butter my arse!

215
00:17:24,799 --> 00:17:28,240
I've just realised.
We haven't got "The Spy Who loved Me".

216
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,690
I lent it to that bloke at the petrol station.

217
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,700
- Michael?
- Was that his name?

218
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,200
- I'll have to get it.
- Hello?

219
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,410
I reckon I could do that Bond stuff.

220
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:47,410
Unfortunately, I don't think
society's ready for "View T' Kill".

221
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:52,390
"Eeh, Octopussy."

222
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:57,299
- "Doctor Nowwt".
- Lovely stuff.

223
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,180
I've just cracked open a bottle of Sunny Delight.

224
00:18:01,799 --> 00:18:04,359
I can't manage a whole one. Fancy some?

225
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:09,230
- No. I've got to go to the timber yard.
- I'll take you.

226
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,460
Couple of straws, no problem.

227
00:18:16,839 --> 00:18:21,089
- We can stop at the petrol station.
- How is your Geordie mate?

228
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:26,759
You've got wonder about a man who sits
in a petrol station all day talking to other men.

229
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,440
- Have a look round. I'll treat you.
- Cheers.

230
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,759
- Has the Duke of Hazard been in?
- No, he's not.

231
00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:47,630
I'd like you to return
my "Spy Who loved Me" video.

232
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:50,569
- It's at home.
- In America?

233
00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:56,400
- No. Lithow Street.
- This is John. Show him your tool belt.

234
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,950
Oh, smart.

235
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:09,460
You have this obsession with American things,
yet you work for British Petroleum.

236
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,440
I mean, hello?

237
00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:17,269
- Hello?
- It's a thing people say!

238
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,829
- Do you want any petrol?
- I'll get it across the road.

239
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,950
Your petrol's a bit obvious... It's a bit petrolly.

240
00:19:26,759 --> 00:19:31,220
Let's saddle our horses and get ourselves
a curly Cumberland sausage

241
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,279
from the little-bitty Chef.

242
00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:36,900
Little Chef.

243
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,789
I taped that documentary for you.
"The World's Worst Storms."

244
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,480
This tsunami crashes down on a village
and wipes them all out.

245
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,289
Programmes about storms? Get a life.

246
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,619
Come on, John. let's go to Sprowston.

247
00:19:54,160 --> 00:20:00,059
- We haven't got time for that, Al.
- We'll go straight to the timber yard.

248
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:09,289
Hello, Lynn. What are you doing here?
You should be at home relaxing.

249
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:15,500
- You asked for a black marker pen.
- Oh. Thanks. I'll give you a raise.

250
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,650
Eight and a half thousand?

251
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,470
Nine... Nine and a half.

252
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,329
Te...

253
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:31,019
# Tell you what. Tell you what
It's nine and a half thousand pounds #

254
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,289
Let's all sing it.
# Tell you what, tell you what

255
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,900
# It's nine and a half thousand pounds #

256
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,390
Thank you, Alan.

257
00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:46,059
"Mrs Robinson, are you tying to seduce me?"

258
00:20:47,599 --> 00:20:51,599
Sonja, let's get some juice
while the men set the world to rights.

259
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,809
- Still watching you, Alan.
- I know.

260
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,490
And I'm thinking about it in my block
that you may knock off.

261
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,490
That cement's dried, so I'll be off.

262
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:11,490
- Wait. Will you stay and watch a Bond film?
- I can't. I've got too much to do.

263
00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:15,299
listen. I've been threatened by an ex-fuzz.

264
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,230
If you hang around, I'll pay you.
How much is a monkey?

265
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,690
- 500.
- How much is a mouse?

266
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,329
There's no such amount. Pony's 150.

267
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,869
I'll give you 200.
That's a pony and a bag of hooves.

268
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,880
- Done.
- Great.

269
00:21:35,559 --> 00:21:38,789
- I got Sunny Delight...
- Don't kiss me again!

270
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,980
Aagh!

271
00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:55,450
Alan, I spilt Sunny Delight
all over your James Bond videos.

272
00:21:56,279 --> 00:21:57,890
Lynn, you...

273
00:21:58,279 --> 00:22:00,490
shouldn't worry about it.

274
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,940
- Are they repairable?
- I'll just check.

275
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,190
Yeah. They're ruined. Excuse me.

276
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,549
I'll just be a minute.

277
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:26,200
Mrs Moneypenny's an eejit! She's an eejit!

278
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,339
(HE MUTTERS)

279
00:22:33,839 --> 00:22:36,539
- Hello, Michael.
- What are you doing?

280
00:22:37,079 --> 00:22:39,539
Just destroying my cereals.

281
00:22:41,759 --> 00:22:44,710
Careful. Folk might say you're a cereal killer!

282
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,190
Here's "The Spy Who loved Me"
and all your other stuff.

283
00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:54,259
Can we make friends?

284
00:22:54,759 --> 00:22:58,480
- I know I said all that stuff.
- No, no.

285
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,210
Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"!

286
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,069
It's a bit difficult 'cause...

287
00:23:09,559 --> 00:23:12,509
(HOOTER BLASTS)

288
00:23:13,079 --> 00:23:18,029
- We were just going to blow the horn.
- You could have blown the horn in my Lexus.

289
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,289
You could have sat in the front
and reached across.

290
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,990
It's on the central steering wheel boss
behind the air bag.

291
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:32,640
It's precision engineering, eh?
like you always say, it's the Japanese Mercedes.

292
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,759
God, I've missed you.

293
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,470
I've missed you an' all, man. I really have. I just...

294
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,460
Hi, Tex.

295
00:23:48,839 --> 00:23:51,049
We're having a hoedown.

296
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,490
I'm down, but I'm not a ho.

297
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,519
There's a load of Frosties on your step.

298
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:04,779
Yes. I've been destroying my cereals.
Got a problem with that?

299
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,619
You're welcome to watch
"The Spy Who loved Me".

300
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:14,089
Thanks, but me and Mike are off
to the Truckfest. We'd better er...

301
00:24:14,799 --> 00:24:16,970
He's staying with me.

302
00:24:19,319 --> 00:24:23,079
We could see it at Skegness.
Timmy Mallet's gonna be there.

303
00:24:23,759 --> 00:24:25,789
- All right.
- Great.

304
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,819
- Thanks vey much.
- Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"!

305
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,309
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

306
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,859
Stop talking about American things
and let's watch the best film ever made.

307
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:47,680
"Welcome to "America's Strongest Man'
where the toughest, mightiest titans.."

308
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:52,509
Have you taped over "The Spy Who loved Me"?

309
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:55,539
No. It was Terry. I gave him the tape.

310
00:24:56,039 --> 00:25:00,180
I'm really Sorry.
I really wanted to see "America's Strongest Man".

311
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,730
Now you've got "Norfolk's Maddest Man"!

312
00:25:05,519 --> 00:25:09,210
I wanted to watch Roger Moore
necking with Fiona Fullerrton.

313
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:15,150
Instead I've got a giant Michael Bolton lookalike
throwing an oven over hay bales!

314
00:25:16,759 --> 00:25:21,259
"The Spy Who loved Me" is a brilliant film.
It begin in forest in Germany...

315
00:25:22,039 --> 00:25:23,829
It's Austria!.

316
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,450
- What's the one with the laser beam?
- "Goldfinger"!

317
00:25:30,079 --> 00:25:35,309
What's the one with the volcano that opens up
and there's all Chinkies jumping down?

318
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:40,910
- Isn't that "Thunderball"?
- No! Stop getting Bond wrong!

319
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:46,460
I'll tell you about "The Spy Who loved Me".
All do that. I'm Roger Moore.

320
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:50,650
Bang! Blood dribbles down.

321
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:56,079
We're on a submarine. Two sailors
have a game of chess. The cups start wobbling.

322
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:01,240
Then the man who used to be
in "The Onedin line" says, "What's going on?"

323
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,329
Yeah. Stop that now.
Then he looks through the periscope.

324
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,859
The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker.
Then we cut to Moscow.

325
00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:13,509
There's a Russian man - with eyebrows -

326
00:26:14,079 --> 00:26:17,730
on the phone going,
"A whole submarine? You're joking?

327
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,750
"I'll have to tell some other Russians."

328
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,740
Then it cuts to James - Roger Moore -
and, yes, he's with a lady.

329
00:26:26,519 --> 00:26:32,069
He's necking with her. He says,
"I've got to go, love. Something's come up!"

330
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,460
He means his cock!

331
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,490
Anyway, then he puts on his underpants
and his ski suit and he starts skiing.

332
00:26:41,279 --> 00:26:45,990
He's being chased by these Russian shits
in black jumpsuits with lemon piping.

333
00:26:46,799 --> 00:26:50,420
They start shooting at him
and he goes, "Just stop it!"

334
00:26:51,079 --> 00:26:55,579
He turns round and does a backward somersault
and lands on his feet.

335
00:26:56,359 --> 00:27:00,430
He's not showing off.
Then he goes over a cliff and he's falling.

336
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:06,180
And you think, "God, he's going to die!"
But then, at the last minute...

337
00:27:07,039 --> 00:27:10,089
A parachute comes out with a Union Jack on it...

338
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,190
- Michael! Michael!
- That's how it ends.

339
00:27:14,839 --> 00:27:17,299
The end of the beginning goes like this.

340
00:27:17,799 --> 00:27:21,490
# Glang glanga-langa langa langa langa lang

341
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,980
# Glang-alang glang-alang alang

342
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,819
# Nobody does it better... #

343
00:27:27,319 --> 00:27:29,920
I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun.

344
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,210
# Makes me feel sad for the rest

345
00:27:33,759 --> 00:27:36,220
# Nobody does it... # Bit of nipple.

346
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,279
# Quite as good as you

347
00:27:39,799 --> 00:27:41,589
# Baby, you're the best #

348
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,789
Really big bounce right over
and I land on my feet.

349
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:50,029
# I wasn't looking
and somehow you found me... #

350
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,569
Ooh, bit of bush.

351
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,069
# I tried to hide from your love life... #

352
00:27:55,519 --> 00:27:59,910
Woman swinging on a giant luger. Ooh!
# like heaven above me... #

353
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:04,539
Another naked woman on a gun,
completely billy bollocks.

354
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,750
# The spy who loved me
is keeping all my secrets safe tonight... #

355
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:13,720
Then one more big swing, legs go right up...
What was that? Too late!

356
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,849
# Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best #

357
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:19,779
Brilliant!

358
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,180
So do you want to hear some more?

359
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,839
Welcome to "America's Strongest Man",

360
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,259
Strong. look.

361
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,190
Go on, lift it.

362
00:28:43,559 --> 00:28:45,839
He's got fingers like Schwarzenegger's arms.