1
00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:05,009
That was sweating lunatic Iggy Pop,
part of our Tuesday "Punk Pack",

2
00:00:05,759 --> 00:00:08,320
which is climaxing at midnight with Madness.

3
00:00:08,839 --> 00:00:12,980
This is "Norfolk Nights" with Alan Partridge
and we're doing "Super Talk".

4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,179
(ECHOlNG) Super Talk!

5
00:00:16,679 --> 00:00:18,850
Brought to you by Ginster's Pasties,

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,129
Tonight we're Super Talking about evil dogs.

7
00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:25,170
We've all seen them in undesirable areas.

8
00:00:25,679 --> 00:00:28,519
Donald from Hemsby has e-mailed us to say,

9
00:00:29,079 --> 00:00:32,490
"Dangerous dogs should have
their teeth replaced with rubber."

10
00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:37,189
An excellent idea. I'm going to make him
our e-mail of the evening.

11
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,250
(DALEK VOICE) E-mail of the evening!

12
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:47,429
Donald wins our top prize of an Action Man
military figure. It's got all kinds of features.

13
00:00:48,359 --> 00:00:52,750
The box says, "Not suitable for children."
I wouldn't take any notice of that.

14
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,439
Although my cousin did once buy a pirated
Tweenie from a covered market in Brundall

15
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,530
and it was full of soiled bandages.

16
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:07,510
Time for music. Who's this beautiful blond
man with a lovely voice? It's Annie Lennox.

17
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,129
Fat arms, beards
and that's just the men...women.

18
00:01:19,719 --> 00:01:24,109
That was Bill Withers who
thank the lord, is still with 'us.

19
00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:28,950
I'll be back tomorrow with another prize.
It's a piggy bank.

20
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:31,930
It's 1 a.m.

21
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,329
As the whole of Norfolk sleeps,
something truly evil stirs.

22
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:40,870
- All right, Alan...
- His coffin lid opens with a creak.

23
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,099
(CREAKING)

24
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,530
- An owl hoots...
- Danny Francetti's Jazz Box..

25
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,980
Sorry. It's the new system.

26
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,980
(HOOTING)

27
00:01:51,359 --> 00:01:55,290
Out pops the vampire...
Count Davula of Cliftonvania.

28
00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,069
He's fed up - not because he can't
see his reflection, but because he can!

29
00:02:00,799 --> 00:02:02,549
That's right, Alan.

30
00:02:02,959 --> 00:02:06,120
- I've been up drinking human blood.
- Is that all?

31
00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:11,389
There is one person
I would love to drive a stake through.

32
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,729
That's all you'll be driving since your ban.

33
00:02:16,319 --> 00:02:21,689
Maybe you should be banned after some of
those shocking prizes you've given away.

34
00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:27,020
This coming from the man
who once gave away a CD

35
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,969
removed from the cover of a magazine.

36
00:02:30,439 --> 00:02:32,900
All right, folks. We're going to Go West.

37
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:40,439
That was the best full English breakfast
I've had since Gay Wilmot's wedding.

38
00:02:42,159 --> 00:02:43,909
It was ruddy superb.

39
00:02:44,319 --> 00:02:49,340
Yeah. I'd have that three times a day if I could,
but I'd be dead.

40
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:56,050
- It kill you?
- It's cholesterol. Scottish people eat it.

41
00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,469
Few of them make 60.
Why are there holes in my "Daily Mail"?

42
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:07,879
I do collage. I cut out the heads of U2
and then I put on top of space clothes.

43
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,960
I see. The idea is that U2 are going into space?

44
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,740
- You should send it to the fan club.
- I already have.

45
00:03:17,479 --> 00:03:22,150
You're not just sexy,
you're also a very good...fan club member.

46
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,240
I tell them my boyfriend is good friend with Bono.

47
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,009
- I am.
- Will you introduce me?

48
00:03:30,479 --> 00:03:32,090
Yeah.

49
00:03:33,319 --> 00:03:37,289
Can I put in journal that I am
good cook of full English breakfast?

50
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,389
Yes, you can. In fact, I've made notes.

51
00:03:40,879 --> 00:03:43,719
Yes. Bacon - ten on ten.

52
00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:48,560
Button mushrooms - bingo.
Black pudding - snap.

53
00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:53,620
Minor criticism. More distance
between the eggs and the beans.

54
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,050
I may want to mix them, but that's my decision.

55
00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:01,699
Use a sausage as a breakwater.

56
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,419
But I'm nit-picking. A very good effort.
Seven on ten. Let's make love.

57
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,560
OK.

58
00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:13,340
A fried breakfast makes an excellent aphrodisiac.
Excuse me.

59
00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:21,670
- You don't want to wash the dishes?
- Let's make love right here, right now.

60
00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:27,850
OK. Just fold this table away.
You should feel it clip in the housing.

61
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,920
I'm gonna hump ya.

62
00:04:33,519 --> 00:04:35,269
That's it.

63
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,660
Like Deputy Dawg would hump ya.

64
00:04:40,639 --> 00:04:43,660
- There we go.
- You want fitted sheet?

65
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,449
No. We'll use the beach towel.

66
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,970
- Alan, I bought you another present.
- What?

67
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:56,139
A London love taxi. I have put my heart
in back of taxi and told driver to go to you.

68
00:04:57,079 --> 00:05:01,470
Aah. Don't know what you're talking about.
I'll pop that with the others.

69
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,209
Getting a bit crowded now. Like London.

70
00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:11,389
Which I spell S-H-l-T-H-O-l-E. Shithole!

71
00:05:12,759 --> 00:05:15,220
Let's start with some petting.

72
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,560
- (KNOCKING)
- (Lynn) Alan! It's me.

73
00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:22,829
Get in, Lynn.

74
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,730
What do you think is Sonja's best feature?

75
00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:28,819
- Her hair?
- Nope.

76
00:05:29,199 --> 00:05:33,800
- Her neck? Her eyes? Her eyelashes?
- No. It's her feet. Lovely dainty feet.

77
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,879
Big feet remind me of gammon.

78
00:05:38,319 --> 00:05:40,529
What are you going to call the house?

79
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,259
I've narrowed it down to "Lord House"

80
00:05:44,879 --> 00:05:47,930
"Ace House" and "The Cinnamons".

81
00:05:48,519 --> 00:05:50,839
We ought to call it "Our House".

82
00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:54,620
We could call it that. Make a note of that.

83
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:07,850
Now, Alan. Are you ready for the Inland Revenue?
Have you got all your receipts?

84
00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:12,170
Yes. Some are on a spike,
you've got some in an envelope

85
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:16,490
and the rest are in a shoe box
which I threw off a ferry.

86
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,689
- That was a low point.
- These tax people can stay indefinitely.

87
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,730
If I have to put back my roger with Sonja again,
I'll be fit to burst.

88
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,500
I'll have to resort to Plan B.

89
00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:34,889
- Are you ready for the meeting?
- You'll be there.

90
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,459
- They're not investigating me.
- We're in this together.

91
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,829
- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.

92
00:06:43,519 --> 00:06:48,050
Bill Oddie gave me a dressing gown
as a Christmas present.

93
00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:54,740
He enclosed a receipt.
I submitted Oddie's receipt for tax purposes.

94
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,000
I'm guilty as hell, Lynn.

95
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,389
If I'm going down, you're going down with me.

96
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:05,470
- I want you to lie for me.
- I can't. In the eyes of God...

97
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:11,139
Lynn. I'm on God's side.
I can't stand the devil. He's bang out of order.

98
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,170
He's an evil idiot.

99
00:07:14,639 --> 00:07:17,029
I know it says, "Thou shalt not lie,"

100
00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:20,189
but if the Elephant Man came in here now

101
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:24,860
with some lipstick on and a nice dress,
and said, "How do I look?"

102
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:30,730
would you say, bearing in mind that he's
depressed and has got respiratory problems,

103
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:35,740
"Take that blusher off
you ugly misshapen-headed elephant tranny"?

104
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:46,009
- No. I'd say, "You look very nice."
- Exactly. You'd say, "You look nice, John."

105
00:07:47,839 --> 00:07:51,810
The tax people are coming in an hour.
You've got one hour to get ready.

106
00:07:52,519 --> 00:07:55,050
- Alan, look what I draw.
- What's that?

107
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,470
- It's an alien judge.
- Golly.

108
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,459
And the alien judge...

109
00:08:03,519 --> 00:08:08,370
The alien judge is shooting the taxman
and the taxman's head is come off.

110
00:08:11,319 --> 00:08:16,800
- You promised Sonja wouldn't be here.
- I know, and I've ruddy gone and forgotten.

111
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,720
- Speak quickly. She can't understand it.
- What can we do?

112
00:08:24,319 --> 00:08:28,319
That's very good.
I could send her into Norwich on an errand.

113
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,549
- Sonja, what are your plans?
- I go to coffee shop.

114
00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:36,720
Problem solved.

115
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,940
- Sonja, Lynn's going to give you a lift.
- OK.

116
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:45,049
- And the house names?
- Yes. I'll call it "Excalibur Cottage".

117
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,399
Can't mess about on this one, Lynn.

118
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,480
- Get ready for the tax people.
- Chill out, babe...love...Lynn.

119
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,990
See ya. Wouldn't want to be...

120
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,750
- Hello, Alan.
- Oh! Hello...er...

121
00:09:06,039 --> 00:09:08,500
Tell me your name.

122
00:09:09,879 --> 00:09:12,860
- John.
- All right, John, me old mucker?

123
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,419
- I'm from Manchester.
- M62.

124
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:23,000
- Uncovered any old fireplaces?
- No. It's a brand-new house.

125
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:28,429
Yeah. Good call.
If you need me, I'll be in the caravan.

126
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,519
Sorry, you're from Manchester. Cotton and guns.

127
00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:40,610
(80's-STYLE SYNTHESIS MUSIC)

128
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,129
Mr Partridge? We're from the Inland Revenue.

129
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,789
- No, you're not.
- Yes, we are.

130
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,240
Come in. Hello. Sit over there.

131
00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:42,039
Hi.

132
00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:52,679
Wolves at the door. You'll huff
and you'll puff and... Where's the other pig?

133
00:10:56,399 --> 00:11:00,440
- Sorry. Got off to a bad start.
- Sorry. We are a bit early.

134
00:11:01,159 --> 00:11:04,000
Yes. The being early trick. Mind games.

135
00:11:06,919 --> 00:11:09,620
I'm shit-chatting. Sorry, chit-shatting.

136
00:11:10,159 --> 00:11:12,549
- I'm Monica. This is Catherine.
- Hi.

137
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:17,679
Today is purely
a straightforward random investigation.

138
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,250
- Do you want something to eat?
- No, thanks.

139
00:11:21,799 --> 00:11:25,309
I'll check the fridge. We've got Babybels.

140
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,870
You can't have those, they're for the car.

141
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,490
- Do you want a beer?
- No, thanks.

142
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,679
That's another old trick. Spike the drink,

143
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,710
pop you in the boot
and dump you in the North Sea.

144
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,149
Tie a jack to you. You'd sink like a stone.

145
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,509
We've eaten. Thanks.

146
00:11:46,919 --> 00:11:51,379
- Do you want a little teddy bear?
- Do you think we could see you?

147
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,440
Hello.

148
00:11:54,799 --> 00:11:57,220
My name's Graham.

149
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,649
Don't be horrible to Alan.

150
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:05,379
He doesn't avoid tax, he only evades tax..
No, the other way round. Oh, shut up!

151
00:12:06,279 --> 00:12:08,980
- Why don't you just sit down?
- Yeah.

152
00:12:11,759 --> 00:12:17,309
Let's look at some records. There's an entry here
for Tomahawk leisure. What was that?

153
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:23,649
That was a company which we set up. We looked
into its operation and closed it down again.

154
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,889
It was inoperable. I wonder if I can walk like this.

155
00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:33,000
I could have been R2-D2.

156
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:38,570
- OK. What about Apache Communications?
- I've got a leaflet on that. Mine's a pint!

157
00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:45,090
It's not here! "It's not here!"
That's the bear again.

158
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:49,100
- Do you want a chicken drumstick?
- No, thanks.

159
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,139
I've got a chocolate Marble Arch.

160
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:57,450
It's well rendered. I should have got them
to do the house. Better than these bastards.

161
00:12:58,279 --> 00:13:00,740
At least they're cash in hand.

162
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,289
Cash in hand? It's not a phrase we like.

163
00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:11,899
Alan, just relax. If everything's above board,
you've got nothing to worry about.

164
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,950
I've got nothing to hide. Search me! Search me!

165
00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,929
- That's Customs and Excise.
- Right.

166
00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:26,169
- Could we see the receipts on your spike?
- Yes. I have a confession.

167
00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:31,029
When I raised my legs then,
something unplanned happened.

168
00:13:31,759 --> 00:13:34,950
I released an unexpected but potent gust.

169
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,049
I'd like to apologise in advance if it registers.

170
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,250
Alan, we understand if you're nervous.

171
00:13:44,759 --> 00:13:48,129
Here's a receipt for a cinema ticket to "Shrek".

172
00:13:48,759 --> 00:13:50,269
Research.

173
00:13:50,639 --> 00:13:55,169
And a receipt for a pair of shoes
from Dolcis in Dundee.

174
00:13:55,960 --> 00:14:00,240
I had no shoes.
You can't see "Shrek" in your bare feet.

175
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:05,039
Here's a receipt for a dressing gown.
Tell us about that.

176
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,419
Yes. Can you hold these?

177
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,970
- All right, Alan?
- All right...

178
00:14:24,519 --> 00:14:26,730
- All right?
- John.

179
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,799
John, right. I always think of you
as Bleachy Head because of your hair.

180
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:37,100
I could throw myself off the top of you
if I get depressed again!

181
00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:42,730
- Just let off in a tax inspectress's face.
- let off?

182
00:14:43,559 --> 00:14:46,230
And it was mostly deliberate.

183
00:14:47,399 --> 00:14:50,029
- Do you want one, Al?
- No. I don't smoke.

184
00:14:50,559 --> 00:14:54,490
I'm one of the anti-cancer set.
We're a dying breed.

185
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,710
We're not, you are.
I don't mean you've got cancer.

186
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,769
Maybe you have. If you haven't, I apologise.

187
00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:06,590
If you have, please take the rest of the day off.

188
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,779
- I've not got cancer.
- You can't be too careful.

189
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,700
Testicular. Always got to check for extra lumps.

190
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,929
Aye.

191
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:22,590
Some guys feel uncomfortable about it,
but I say why not combine it with a scratch?

192
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,320
- Get your girlfriend to do it.
- Yeah!

193
00:15:26,879 --> 00:15:31,299
I've got a girlfriend. We were bonking like mad
last night in the caravan.

194
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,289
- Getting down to it.
- We were!

195
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:38,799
If it weren't for the telescopic dampers
on each corner of the caravan

196
00:15:39,519 --> 00:15:42,850
it would have been wobbling
like a very rude house.

197
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,970
I say telescopic dampers. I mean rigid stays.

198
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,679
How's the grouting coming along?

199
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,610
It's not
because we haven't decided on the tiles yet.

200
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,169
All right. Just er...
Just cary on building the house.

201
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:10,179
- What's that?
- It's a tip. I panicked. Do declare it.

202
00:16:12,559 --> 00:16:16,389
Sorry about that.
Just having a chinwag about cancer.

203
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,870
It's a serious subject.
I once found a lump under my arm. Awful.

204
00:16:21,559 --> 00:16:24,190
Turned out it was just a knot in my vest.

205
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,559
- Hi, Alan.
- Sonja, what are you doing back?

206
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,169
I told Tomek to put his coffee shop
up inside his ass.

207
00:16:31,759 --> 00:16:34,250
I'm in a static home with three women.

208
00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:40,029
Don't all go off to the toilet and talk about me
because it really is too small.

209
00:16:40,919 --> 00:16:45,240
But it is a solid bog. The chemicals
in that loo will dissolve a corpse.

210
00:16:46,919 --> 00:16:49,590
You tell tax people they won't find your money?

211
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,309
- These are important people.
- She wears no make-up!

212
00:16:53,919 --> 00:16:56,519
That's irrelevant. Excuse me.

213
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,980
Do you want to go to prison? Do you?

214
00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:06,269
- You tell me prison is very cushy.
- I was making a point about something eke.

215
00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:10,869
Just go and say, "No, I don't pay. Tax is rubbish."

216
00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:16,549
You are not the Chancellor of the Exchequer!
If you were, the county would go to pot!

217
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,519
You want me to be good little shut-up Sonja? Zip!

218
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:22,799
Thank you.

219
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,700
Oh, God! It's OK, it's OK.

220
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:31,299
(GARGLING NOISE)

221
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,569
Did you see all that?

222
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,759
Great. The fat envelope. Not you, Lynn.

223
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,180
Lynn will answer all your questions. Bye.

224
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:55,480
- Where do you want these sockets?
- Two there, two there, one in the middle.

225
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,329
(BARKS)

226
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,279
Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel, really, isn't it?

227
00:18:17,039 --> 00:18:21,319
Forcing a dog to pull a man round all day.
Not fair on either of them.

228
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,460
Cheers.

229
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,410
Girlfriend's left me.

230
00:18:32,079 --> 00:18:36,819
Well... To be honest, I'm chuffed like mad.
She weren't expecting that!

231
00:18:38,759 --> 00:18:43,079
Tonight, I'm just going to have a sandwich
and watch Trevor McDonald.

232
00:18:43,839 --> 00:18:45,730
Thank you very much.

233
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,410
Probably won't even brush my teeth.

234
00:18:52,559 --> 00:18:54,589
Sleep in my trousers.

235
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:06,180
Some of the things me and my girlfriend do
are pretty top-shelf.

236
00:19:06,839 --> 00:19:09,470
Top-shelf in this county, not abroad.

237
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,880
I don't want to see an erection.
Unless it's in the mirror, right, guys?

238
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,490
Finished with the "Daily Mail"? Cheers.

239
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:28,569
(COWBOY ACCENT) Yeah. I think I'll go
and read Simon Heffer on the veranda.

240
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,089
Ain't no one gonna stop me.

241
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,430
(BURPS)

242
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,009
I don't know what to do.
We have it off all the time.

243
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:48,380
It'll be an end to all that London crap -
Big Ben teddy bears. You hate London.

244
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:54,750
Yeah. But all those small taxis
and little Tower Bridges make me feel like a giant.

245
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,630
One day I arranged them all on the floor

246
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,500
and I marched around saying, "Fee, fi, fo, fum!

247
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,529
"I smell the blood
of an ungrateful bunch of bastards."

248
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,200
- She's a good cook.
- She does a fantastic English breakfast.

249
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:16,240
- That's daft. A good English breakfast.
- Is she still making it too bunched up?

250
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,319
- With the egg...
- Too close to the beans.

251
00:20:19,799 --> 00:20:23,980
When will they learn?
Mind, she was sexy. She wore a G-strap.

252
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,509
Yes. That's for hygiene reasons.
It lets the buttocks breathe.

253
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,710
- You could wear it or floss with it!
- Or slice cheese with it!

254
00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:36,099
- Or all three!
- That's unhygienic.

255
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,259
I haven't got a girlfriend any more.
What shall I do?

256
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,640
- Get yourself another.
- No chance. British?

257
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:49,240
- Alan. I've called the police.
- What for?

258
00:20:49,799 --> 00:20:53,940
- I thought it was best.
- She'll turn up one way or the other.

259
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,099
- This isn't "Silent Witness".
- Hello.

260
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,609
- Sonja.
- Where have you been?

261
00:21:02,039 --> 00:21:06,180
- I buy a present for Alan. Guess what.
- A bear dressed as a beefeater.

262
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,710
Yes! Then I went to caravan
and chucked out the tax woman.

263
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:15,720
- Lovely stuff.
- Did you buy me a present to say Sorry?

264
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,529
Yes, I did... And I'll just go and get it.

265
00:21:24,519 --> 00:21:28,349
It's a video
by the West County comedian Jethro.

266
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,240
And it's signed by Bono.

267
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,089
- Do you know Bono?
- He's big friends with Bono.

268
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,049
- When did he sign that?
- When I was at his house.

269
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,079
- His house?
- Yes.

270
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,339
- Bollocks! You don't know Bono.
- I do know Bono.

271
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:51,250
- Take me to Bono's house.
- You want to go to Bono's house? OK.

272
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,170
You'll look stupid.

273
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,559
Thanks for dropping me right in it!

274
00:22:01,319 --> 00:22:03,420
Put these on the tab.

275
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,210
You don't remember where is Bono's house?

276
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:14,299
I will remember. The last time I was there
I took some pot and I was briefly mindless.

277
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:19,880
He has a huge dog and he may be drunk
and unleash it because normally I ring ahead.

278
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,609
- I am not scared to dogs.
- These are more like fat horses.

279
00:22:25,319 --> 00:22:29,990
Look thick or it'll have your hands off
before Bono can whistle it to stop.

280
00:22:30,799 --> 00:22:35,150
- What sort of dog is that?
- The sort the Nazis used on Steve McQueen.

281
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,269
They're trained and very right-wing.

282
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,220
This is Bono's house. Eureka.

283
00:22:43,839 --> 00:22:48,049
Those spiky trees I think are Joshua trees.

284
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:55,200
- Who are all these cars?
- They're Bono's.

285
00:22:55,799 --> 00:22:57,549
All these cars?

286
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,000
He's got the biggest collection
of hatchbacks in the county.

287
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,019
Bono!

288
00:23:05,839 --> 00:23:07,279
Bono!

289
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,619
This is it. This is where the idiot lives.

290
00:23:11,799 --> 00:23:16,150
Lovely pictures up there of lads with big hair.

291
00:23:18,759 --> 00:23:21,430
Henry VIII. He was a shit.

292
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,599
Bono? He's not here. Do you fancy a curry?

293
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,200
- No. I want to see.
- OK.

294
00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:35,920
This is Bono's bedroom.
I'm not sure if he's in. Bono?

295
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,549
No. He likes to lie there, though,
with the "Sunday Express"

296
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,190
and the biggest bowl of Alpen you've ever seen.

297
00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:46,900
Massive, it is.

298
00:23:47,279 --> 00:23:49,529
- Name a U2 album.
- "Joshua Tree".

299
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,319
I knew that, because he composed
half of it over there.

300
00:23:55,079 --> 00:23:58,240
And the other half over there.

301
00:24:01,079 --> 00:24:03,960
- These people are friends of Bono?
- Still on that?

302
00:24:04,519 --> 00:24:07,190
Why the red rope and plastic fruit?

303
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,890
The man is mentally ill.

304
00:24:11,279 --> 00:24:13,910
I've seen him eat a plastic pie.

305
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,769
In normal house
you don't have 4O tables the same.

306
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,329
The very fact you're questioning my-my-my...
My God.

307
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,869
Hello, Alan. Good news.

308
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,039
- You got my text, then?
- Hello, Alan.

309
00:24:32,559 --> 00:24:35,819
Hello, Bono. Have a seat.

310
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,319
- How's The Edge?
- The Edge is fine.

311
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,359
- How's Adam Clayton?
- Adam Clayton is fine.

312
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,900
- How's um...the drummer?
- The drummer is fine.

313
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:58,660
- When did you last see the gang?
- I saw them last Thursday at a pop concert.

314
00:25:00,279 --> 00:25:02,910
- Who were playing?
- We were.

315
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,069
- You should sack your PR people.
- We have.

316
00:25:06,599 --> 00:25:08,849
- Good.
- How long you live in house?

317
00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:11,670
Since the '80s.

318
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,670
Blicklington Hall was built
by Sir Henry Hobarrt.

319
00:25:16,319 --> 00:25:20,849
The Jacobean house is built
on the site of a late medieval predecessor.

320
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,529
He is not Bono. He is rubbish.

321
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,509
Lynn, are those your mother's cataract glasses?

322
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,220
- Yes.
- What's your name?

323
00:25:31,599 --> 00:25:34,720
- Andrew.
- A friend of Lynn's from the church?

324
00:25:35,319 --> 00:25:37,990
- Yes, that's right.
- What do I owe you?

325
00:25:38,519 --> 00:25:41,009
- A contribution for the church.
- A fiver?

326
00:25:41,519 --> 00:25:42,819
- 3O?
- 3O?!

327
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,210
- That's very generous.
- I've been ambushed.

328
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:52,940
There. Help yourself to a scone.
You're probably sick of canteen food on tour.

329
00:25:53,839 --> 00:25:55,869
I forgot. You're not Bono.

330
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:05,420
I've changed my mind about Excalibur Cottage.
l think I'll call it "Ye House".

331
00:26:08,799 --> 00:26:10,339
Aagh!

332
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,430
What you do?

333
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:21,390
- I've killed a bear! Who is he?
- He's a bargain beefeater bear.

334
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,779
Sonja, beefeaters do not live in caravans!

335
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,890
They live in the Tower of London
and they are restaurants.

336
00:26:31,519 --> 00:26:35,799
- He is brilliant present.
- Not for a man approaching 50!

337
00:26:36,559 --> 00:26:39,890
It's too big! How did you get it here?

338
00:26:40,519 --> 00:26:42,940
- On the bus.
- You took that on the bus?

339
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,900
Anyone who knows us
might have thought it was me inside there.

340
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,160
Me wearing a bear costume.
They'd think I'd lost it again.

341
00:26:52,799 --> 00:26:55,190
- It is very nice.
- I'm sorry.

342
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,930
When I've calmed down
I'll kiss him better where I stabbed him.

343
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,349
It's his thorax. He'll be fine.

344
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,950
I'll make it up to you.
Tomorrow is your day. Do anything you like.

345
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,609
- I want to go to London.
- That's fine.

346
00:27:13,319 --> 00:27:16,299
(80'S STYLE SYNTHESISER MUSIC)