1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:04,280
(WOMAN) I think we'll be giant..

2
00:00:04,919 --> 00:00:08,179
super-beings, really.

3
00:00:09,839 --> 00:00:14,119
We're talking about
what people will look like in a billion years.

4
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:19,410
I don't think we'll have hair,
I think we'll be completely hairless,

5
00:00:22,519 --> 00:00:24,690
Are you hairy, Mary?

6
00:00:27,399 --> 00:00:29,219
- No,
- What?

7
00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,500
- No!
- Right.

8
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:36,939
I think, at the end of the day,
we'll be more or less the same

9
00:00:37,799 --> 00:00:42,049
but with bigger hands and eyes and sex organs,

10
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,420
I wonder what that will look like.

11
00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:51,149
Look in the back of a spoonÉ

12
00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:54,850
in the bathroom,

13
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,070
Goodbye, Mary. Traffic.

14
00:00:57,479 --> 00:01:00,990
(HORNS HONK)
Get out of the way you (BLEEP) idiot!

15
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,500
You could get a bus through there,
you (BLEEP)! Let me through!

16
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,950
(HORNS HONK)

17
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:11,340
We've got a traffic report... That's annoying.

18
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,379
..on the A146 just past London.

19
00:01:14,879 --> 00:01:19,969
A lorry full of livestock has jackknifed,
shedding its load over both lanes.

20
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:26,209
That probably looks like something
from "Saving Private Ryan", but with animals.

21
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,609
Tom Spotley? When?

22
00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:41,609
Listeners, I have someone on the line
who fears he may be a gay.

23
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,980
He's married
so I shall only be using his Christian name.

24
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,760
I'm talking to Domingo in Little Oakley.

25
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:55,640
No? He's gone. Pity.
Marvellous little tapas bar there.

26
00:01:56,319 --> 00:02:00,150
It's two minutes to one
so we'll go to Dave Clifton.

27
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,790
- Hello. How are you doing?
- What are you reading?

28
00:02:04,359 --> 00:02:09,379
It's the biography of an East End gangster.
It's called "Bad Slags". Amazing stuff.

29
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,729
I think there's another word for it.

30
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:18,090
It's sad that people read about men who
call themselves things like Stan the Stabber,

31
00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:23,659
who chop people's heads off, set fire
to their eyebrows and knock people's teeth out

32
00:02:24,479 --> 00:02:28,870
just because they couldn't repay a loan
at an uncompetitive rate of interest.

33
00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:33,219
- Is your book in trouble with Stan?
- What do you mean?

34
00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:38,969
I hear that all the unsold copies
are being bundled into the back of a truck

35
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,250
and driven to a big warehouse
to be, literally, pulped.

36
00:02:43,879 --> 00:02:46,129
There's one word for people like you...

37
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,349
- I'll tell you tomorrow.
- OK. Here's...

38
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,909
Friggis! That's it! Friggis!

39
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:59,340
# Hit me! Hit me! Hit me with your rhythm stick
It's nice to be a lunatic

40
00:03:00,159 --> 00:03:03,990
# Hit me! Hit me... #
Only a few more nights in the caravan.

41
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:09,000
I thought we'd celebrate
by watching "Spartacus" with corned beef hash.

42
00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:12,949
We'll make sweet love and I'll drive you home.

43
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,680
- OK.
- Let's bring the love-making forward.

44
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,069
Come here, you lucky, lucky lady.

45
00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:32,830
Oh, Lynn!

46
00:03:33,159 --> 00:03:34,840
- Hello.
- Hi.

47
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,699
Just having some hygienic snogging.

48
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,270
I've nearly moved everything into the house.

49
00:03:42,879 --> 00:03:45,050
- That's for you.
- What's this?

50
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,800
It's an invitation to my baptism.

51
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:52,699
Baptism? How will they get you to the font?
They'd need four men to lift you.

52
00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:57,240
No. It's not a font.
It's a pool that they lower you into.

53
00:03:57,919 --> 00:04:02,340
If you sink, you're a Baptist,
and if you float...you're evil?

54
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,080
It's touch and go.

55
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,979
Alan, I just want you to stand by me
with a towel to help me dry myself.

56
00:04:10,759 --> 00:04:14,969
You're my PA and you're inviting me
to a religious wet T-shirt competition.

57
00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:19,339
Right. I've got you
that "Bad Slags" book you asked for.

58
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,829
Do you still want to do the radio show
now your books have been incinerated?

59
00:04:24,519 --> 00:04:28,839
Yes, I do. And the books aren't being incinerated,
they're being pulped.

60
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:34,519
My book could end up being reconstituted
as a table in a home for battered women.

61
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,120
- I'm putting something back.
- Still annoyed about that book?

62
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,800
I don't know why people buy it.

63
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:46,980
About East End thugs who lend you £100
and a week later you owe them a million.

64
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:52,439
I'm not exaggerating. You buy a car off them
and find out it's two front ends welded together.

65
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,740
You send it for an MOT
and they find some chap's ribs in the oil sump.

66
00:04:58,519 --> 00:05:01,779
Or you take the lid off the gear knob
and find a testis.

67
00:05:02,399 --> 00:05:05,420
Alan, the builders are waiting to sign off.

68
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,420
OK. I'm going to miss this caravan.

69
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:14,540
I used to enjoy sitting here like this.
Or like this. Sometimes I'd lean forward.

70
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,389
- Well...
- Hang on. There's a fourth position.

71
00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:23,910
Sometimes I used to like sitting here like this...
waiting for Sonja.

72
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,500
We had some good times on the banquette.

73
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,670
Alan?

74
00:05:33,079 --> 00:05:35,079
- The builders.
- Yes.

75
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,839
You've made yourself comfortable
on the banquette. Great.

76
00:05:41,519 --> 00:05:44,850
- You don't think it's a bit tight in here?
- Not really.

77
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:50,360
People always go on about space,
but people forget you can get lost in space.

78
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,660
Could have done with a skylight, really.

79
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,970
I presume we're all going to keep in touch
now the work's finished?

80
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,870
- I've got you all a present.
- Ta, Al.

81
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,220
- Cheers.
- I won't tell you what it is.

82
00:06:10,759 --> 00:06:12,439
It's a surprise.

83
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,790
Lynn? What the frig have you got on your feet?

84
00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:20,769
- Shoe covers.
- You look like you live on a ward.

85
00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:26,250
- I got fed up getting my feet dirty.
- They look like Action Man body bags!

86
00:06:27,079 --> 00:06:29,990
And it's fine to join in.

87
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,439
They're like baby bags for your feet.

88
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,319
That's sort of a development of what he said,
but it's fine to join in.

89
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,730
Carl, do you want to add anything?

90
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:48,829
Perhaps say that they're like a marquee for toes
or a foot tent, something like that?

91
00:06:49,759 --> 00:06:51,339
No.

92
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:56,290
I've got some stuff for your bedroom.
Have you decided which room it's going to be?

93
00:06:57,079 --> 00:07:00,629
Yes. The bedroom.
Down the corridor, last door on the left.

94
00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:04,930
That's the same size
as your bedroom in the caravan.

95
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,350
- Is it?
- Yeah.

96
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:11,660
Fine. Squeeze a double bed in
and I can open the door and step onto the bed.

97
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,990
- Where are your clothes going?
- In the storage room.

98
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:19,310
- A naked jog across the landing.
- What if you've got guests?

99
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,420
Lynn, I'll cup myself.

100
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,310
- I don't mean with an actual cup.
- More like an egg cup!

101
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:33,569
It wouldn't be an egg cup.
It'd be two egg cups and a kidney dish.

102
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,649
- Do you want a pickled onion?
- No. I hate them.

103
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,740
Very laid-back petrol station, this.
You could have sofas in here.

104
00:07:47,439 --> 00:07:50,560
People could relax.
You've got your petrol, it's fine.

105
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,620
This week's guest petrol is Texaco.

106
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,019
Next week's guest petrol will be... Texaco again.

107
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,420
You could have a lovely barbecue out there.

108
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,579
You're not allowed naked flames on the forecourt.

109
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,939
It's political correctness gone mad.

110
00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:15,379
Tell you what amuses me, Michael,
is when people criticise my book

111
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,870
just because I use the phrase
"Needless to say, I had the last laugh" 14 times.

112
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,589
You and I know I've actually had the last laugh...

113
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,370
- 25 times.
- Exactly!

114
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:30,750
- (BELL DINGS)
- My toad-in-the-hole.

115
00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:36,059
Lovely, man. I bet you never thought
that you could make toast in a microwave.

116
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,250
That's not toast. That's hot, floppy bread.

117
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:45,659
- What did you do last night?
- Watched a documentary on quicksand.

118
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:51,169
Then Sonja and I took our tops off and
had a cuddle, followed by mince and onions.

119
00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:54,889
Doesn't get much better than that.

120
00:08:55,360 --> 00:09:00,559
It did for me. I done better than a cuddle last night.
l had full sex with a woman.

121
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,009
- Go on.
- She was all over us.

122
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,100
- She's a bit older than me. She's 60.
- 60?

123
00:09:09,759 --> 00:09:11,929
Same age difference as you and Sonja.

124
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,519
That's just wrong.
You shouldn't do it the other way round.

125
00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:19,860
We did!

126
00:09:21,759 --> 00:09:24,809
60's not really old. I mean, look at Bob Dylan.

127
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:28,950
- She looked a bit like him.
- A big nose and mad hair?

128
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,370
- Do you know her?
- No. How did you meet?

129
00:09:32,919 --> 00:09:35,549
At Thresher's.
She was loading booze into her car.

130
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,169
She says,
"Would you drive us home... to Cardiff?"

131
00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:41,340
- Cardiff?!
- Aye.

132
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,690
I come back this morning on a coach.
It was like an SAS operation.

133
00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:50,750
Your mission.. go to Cardiff, have full sex
with a woman, come back on the coach.

134
00:09:52,879 --> 00:09:55,509
Sort of like Operation Bravo 2-O.

135
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:59,059
In your case, it was Bravo 6-O.

136
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,639
By Randy McNab!

137
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,799
Randy McNob!

138
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,850
- Stop that now.
- How's you and Sonja getting on?

139
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,889
I've never really thought about it.
She'll be along soon with a hot dessert.

140
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,789
You're looking a gift horse in the mouth.

141
00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:22,139
No. That's what you were doing last night.

142
00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:28,230
- When's Lynn getting baptised, then?
- Splashdown is 1500 hours on Sunday.

143
00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:31,970
Will lover boy be there? The ex-policeman?

144
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:37,190
Gordon? I hope he's not doing the dunking.
I wouldn't like to be dunked by a policeman.

145
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,259
When you came up, he'd go,
"Where's the money?"

146
00:10:41,879 --> 00:10:45,740
"I don't know. I'm being baptised."
"Down you go again."

147
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,139
- Here comes Sonja.
- The dinner lady.

148
00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,009
- This is rhubarb crumble and custard.
- Smashing.

149
00:10:53,639 --> 00:10:55,250
I am a homeless person.

150
00:10:55,639 --> 00:10:59,009
My landlady is telling me that the girl must go

151
00:10:59,639 --> 00:11:03,399
because she must sell this house
because it will be office block.

152
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:08,720
If the worst comes to the worst
you can move in to Lynn's mum's bedroom.

153
00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:12,960
I don't want to sleep in Lynn's dead mum's bed.

154
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,250
Michael did something similar last night
and he's very happy.

155
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:20,379
Come on. Let's see one of these.

156
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,250
That's just weird.

157
00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,259
Welcome back to "Prayer Wave"
with me, Tessa McPherson.

158
00:11:30,919 --> 00:11:35,909
Kate Fitzgerald's book, "Someone Else",
charts a journey of self-discoveryÉ

159
00:11:36,759 --> 00:11:37,919
Good title.

160
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,309
..through childhood
to your drug addiction and prostitution...

161
00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:44,549
Oh, God.

162
00:11:44,919 --> 00:11:48,330
..and then to your recovery, in a very upbeat way.

163
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,539
Mine's upbeat too.

164
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:55,940
I should say that the other voice you can hear
is my other guest, Alan Partridge.

165
00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:01,929
Alan had a TV chat show and was quite
a big name, and then it all went very wrong.

166
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,230
That's the subject of your book, "Bouncing Back".

167
00:12:07,759 --> 00:12:10,950
Yes. Although Kate felt she bounced back,

168
00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,529
I feel I have...had and are...

169
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,490
bounced...bouncing...

170
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,289
I felt that...

171
00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:25,860
Cary on talking to Kate
while I sort something out. Can I borrow a pen?

172
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,789
- Yes. How's the book doing?
- Wonderfully well.

173
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:32,649
The best thing is people coming up to me...

174
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,009
I'm all right now.

175
00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:40,970
People who felt very alone,
but through me they've found a friend...

176
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:43,639
- All done.
- It's been well received.

177
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,149
Sorry... Sorry.

178
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,809
- It's quite distracting when you interrupt.
- You just interrupted her!

179
00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:56,409
Alan, "Bouncing Back". I suspect
you meant it as an ironic title, didn't you?

180
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:03,700
Because you haven't bounced back.
Not emotionally and not in a career way either.

181
00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,929
How do you feel about that?

182
00:13:10,639 --> 00:13:11,830
What?

183
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:16,580
I think Tessa's saying that you haven't
bounced back. I've only scanned your book...

184
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,730
I have. I'm doing "Norfolk Nights"
and I've got a show...

185
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:25,330
Are you tying to put me off?
Two can play at that game!

186
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,720
I know you've had problems in the past...

187
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,049
The time's 11.3O... Sorry, it's your show.

188
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:42,559
So...bouncing back.

189
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:45,600
- You fell spectacularly...
- All right.

190
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,789
Do you slow down for car crashes?

191
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:54,590
My point is that I've been looking
for the positives in your book,

192
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,440
and it is a book that's full of joy,

193
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:01,529
but it's chiefly joy at other people's misfortunes.

194
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,889
A lot of bitterness.
You end almost every anecdote with the phrase,

195
00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,190
"Needless to say, I had the last laugh."

196
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:14,289
You could end some of your chapters with,
"Needles to say...

197
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,919
"..I took drugs."

198
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:22,259
- If I can turn to you, Kate.
- Sure.

199
00:14:22,759 --> 00:14:25,179
You come from a privileged background.

200
00:14:25,679 --> 00:14:28,629
Materially privileged,
but emotionally undernourished.

201
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,960
- My father was very distant...
- Did he live in a different wing?

202
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:38,129
- Have you read my book?
- No, but I've seen the photographs.

203
00:14:38,799 --> 00:14:42,419
And I read the bit
where you put drugs up your bottom.

204
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,289
Why? You've got a perfectly good mouth.

205
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:50,429
Easy to confuse the two. Sometimes people
can end up talking out of their arse, Alan.

206
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:57,019
Let's talk about your drug addiction.
You were hooked on a variety of drugs.

207
00:14:57,799 --> 00:15:00,750
- I started on crack.
- That's not the same as crackling?

208
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,210
- No.
- It's a joke.

209
00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:07,330
I had crackling on Sunday.
It had hairs on it, but I didn't mind.

210
00:15:09,919 --> 00:15:13,080
- Then the chemical dependency grew worse?
- Yeah.

211
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:17,789
My drug of choice became ketamine,
which is a horse tranquilliser.

212
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:19,889
Shit!

213
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:27,769
Did you get that from stables? I can imagine you
in wellies and a sleeveless anorak.

214
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:31,029
The name for that is actually a gilet.

215
00:15:31,519 --> 00:15:35,559
No. That's a razor.
Could have done with that for the crackling.

216
00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:44,009
Have you ever shaved your crackling?

217
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,120
- Yes. Ketamine.
- Why drag horses into it?

218
00:15:57,879 --> 00:16:02,659
They use ketamine to tranquillise the horse
and then extract the horse's semen.

219
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,919
- How?
- The same way you would a human being.

220
00:16:07,559 --> 00:16:09,879
Send him into a cubicle with magazines?

221
00:16:11,279 --> 00:16:15,210
They've got hooves, for goodness' sake.
Four of them.

222
00:16:15,919 --> 00:16:18,620
It'd take some doing, but I can't see it.

223
00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:24,850
l think we've strayed from the topic.
You both obviously have addictive personalities.

224
00:16:25,799 --> 00:16:28,049
In your case, drugs. For Alan, chocolate.

225
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:30,690
Specifically Toblerone.

226
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:36,759
I would wake up in the middle of the night
and eat an entire Toblerone.

227
00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:42,960
I don't mean a small one.
I mean a medium-sized one.

228
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,129
In the best chapter,
I talk about when I gorged on Toblerone

229
00:16:47,759 --> 00:16:50,250
and drove to Dundee in my bare feet.

230
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,990
Chocolate addiction
will never be as destructive as drug addiction.

231
00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:59,799
- What's her book like?
- Don't refer to me as "her".

232
00:17:01,679 --> 00:17:05,470
All right. What's his book like?
I don't know your name.

233
00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:14,269
- You really have got a lot of issues.
- Yeah. Of "What Car?" magazine.

234
00:17:17,279 --> 00:17:21,279
That's a first on "Prayer Wave".
Never had anybody walk out.

235
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,019
Yes. The atmosphere has turned rather sour.

236
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:30,240
Yes. Let's smooth things over
with more from Monteverdi's "Vespers".

237
00:17:31,039 --> 00:17:32,789
Good band.

238
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,710
Thank you, Alan.
Slightly more exciting than I'd anticipated.

239
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,000
- Can I introduce my PA Lynn?
- Hello.

240
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:45,400
You must be my guest. We discuss issues.

241
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:51,369
Europe, conspiracy theories, what happens
if you just eat crisps. Things like that.

242
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:57,859
That sounds interesting. We're revamping
this show. I'm looking for a co-presenter.

243
00:17:58,799 --> 00:18:03,609
It'd be interesting to talk to you.
I'm the producer as well as the presenter.

244
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:08,019
I didn't know who you are,
yet I still got in with you.

245
00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:14,650
Oh, I forgot to say. I am so a Christian.

246
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,529
It's not a prerequisite
for being on the programme.

247
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,240
- Come on.
- It's our family remit.

248
00:18:22,839 --> 00:18:26,349
I love families.
I used to have one, but it left me.

249
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:35,519
This one's a Baptist.
Lynn's being submerged this week, for her sins.

250
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,279
Literally. You're welcome to come along.

251
00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:43,390
- Have you been preparing for a long time?
- Yes.

252
00:18:45,839 --> 00:18:48,789
Lynn! Lynn! Lynn!

253
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:54,230
..you become suffused with the Holy Spirit.
It's extraordinary.

254
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,750
Shall we make tracks?

255
00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:03,470
Alan, when is your book being destroyed?

256
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:08,769
It's not being destroyed.
The correct term is pulped.

257
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,980
They're pulping the unsold 14,OOO copies
of my book next Thursday

258
00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:16,930
to make room for books on Cockney killers.

259
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:22,529
- What is Cockney?
- An area in london where criminals live.

260
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:28,069
The police don't arrest them
because they only slaughter their own.

261
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,529
They have funerals with floral tributes
that say things like "Mum" and "Stab".

262
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:38,200
They don't sound evil. They like flowers.

263
00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:43,150
Some of the stunts they pull...
They'll chain you to a car that's been clamped.

264
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:49,579
You have to phone the council, but they've
shoved your mobile phone up your backside.

265
00:19:50,519 --> 00:19:54,170
Mobile phone not hurt too much. Is only small.

266
00:19:54,839 --> 00:19:56,980
Sonja, this is in the late '80s.

267
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:02,950
Mobile phones were like big black plastic bricks
with a breadstick at the top.

268
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,049
It was agony.

269
00:20:06,519 --> 00:20:10,420
Maybe if it was vibrating phone,
it would be quite pleasant!

270
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,440
Sonja, this is no laughing matter.

271
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,819
If you're at a fair, they might
put your head in a candy-floss machine.

272
00:20:18,519 --> 00:20:22,660
They'd be having a great laugh at you
with big pink hair.

273
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,720
But you may be very dizzy.

274
00:20:27,799 --> 00:20:33,069
I've been thinking about your impending
homelessness and I've come to a decision.

275
00:20:34,799 --> 00:20:37,079
- I want you to move in.
- Really?

276
00:20:37,559 --> 00:20:40,049
- Make the place your own.
- I can't believe!

277
00:20:40,559 --> 00:20:44,839
- I've bought you the caravan.
- I don't live in the house with you?

278
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:47,849
Have you seen the size of the box-room?

279
00:20:48,319 --> 00:20:52,599
I want you here.
You'd be my very own John West tinned woman.

280
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,769
- Skipjack Sonja in brine.
- And I can visit whenever I want?

281
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,190
Probably best if I come and see you.

282
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:08,160
We'll set up a signal. If you see ketchup
in the window, it means, "Let's make love."

283
00:21:09,079 --> 00:21:10,940
"I'm feeling saucy."

284
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,490
- You want me to pay rent?
- I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.

285
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:23,339
- You're sure you don't want rent?
- As I said, we can come to an arrangement.

286
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:33,039
So I came to know a warm woman
with a smile for everyone. Let's hear it for Lynn.

287
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:36,190
Go on, Lynn lass!

288
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,430
She didn't like being in that water.
She was thrashing around.

289
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:44,779
I've got it all here. It's hilarious.

290
00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:48,829
- That was lovely.
- Yes. Like a very moving sheep dip.

291
00:21:50,319 --> 00:21:55,549
I'm down to do a spot now.
I'll be talking about God. So if you hang around...

292
00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:00,339
- I've really got to go, Alan.
- I'll do it now.

293
00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:08,049
Hello. You probably don't know me.

294
00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:11,509
I'm Alan Partridge.
l host "Norfolk Nights" on Radio Norwich

295
00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:16,819
and "Skirmish", a military-based quiz
on a cable television channel

296
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,960
called UK Conquest.

297
00:22:21,759 --> 00:22:24,460
But today is Lynn's day,

298
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,990
and what a tragedy that one person who can't
be here is Lynn's mum, Peggy, who is dead.

299
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,180
We didn't see eye to eye.
There was bad blood...

300
00:22:37,799 --> 00:22:40,960
which was one of her complications at the end.

301
00:22:42,559 --> 00:22:44,730
But I'm digressing.

302
00:22:46,279 --> 00:22:52,039
Today is Lynn's day and she has bounced back
in the same way that I have.

303
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,329
Because God is a very positive God.

304
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:01,769
When he tried to create the world in six days,
people said, "It can't be done!"

305
00:23:02,599 --> 00:23:05,130
Although he hadn't created people then.

306
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,269
The criticism bounced off him like water off...

307
00:23:08,799 --> 00:23:11,849
Not a duck's back
because he hadn't invented ducks.

308
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:17,599
Anyway... Where was I or is l? Is...was... Iswas.
"Tiswas". Who remembers "Tiswas"?

309
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:24,910
The '70s. Spacehoppers and er...
sweets they don't make any more.

310
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:28,940
Er...

311
00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:32,000
"Kojak"!

312
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,569
Who loves ya, baby?

313
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,539
A lollipop.

314
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,130
Sorry. It's not going very well.

315
00:23:41,599 --> 00:23:45,740
Oh, I'm going to kill myself.
Where's my shotgun? Click, click.

316
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,660
Can't get me toe on the trigger. Oh, got it.

317
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,910
That's it. And to Lynn.

318
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:06,079
Sorry. I won't do the shotgun thing on the radio.
That's just for the Baptists.

319
00:24:07,759 --> 00:24:11,940
- I've really got to go.
- Go, go, go, go.

320
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,400
Hello, Alan. Can I just say I love your radio show?

321
00:24:17,079 --> 00:24:18,869
- Thanks.
- I've read your book.

322
00:24:19,279 --> 00:24:21,740
- Oh?
- It didn't really work for me.

323
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,990
Fuck off.

324
00:24:26,599 --> 00:24:31,799
First, Alan was very shy before we make love.
He was very shy of his body.

325
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,650
But I tell to him, "Please, it doesn't mind.
What's inside matters."

326
00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:40,309
Also, Alan is pretty well hung, so...

327
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,000
Now when we make love, he is like a big bear.

328
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:49,759
Listen. I'm sorry about that before.
You caught me at a bad moment.

329
00:24:50,519 --> 00:24:54,210
Perfectly understandable.
I hear your book's being pulped.

330
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,630
Fuck off!

331
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,000
(MOBILE RINGS)

332
00:25:01,519 --> 00:25:05,869
Hello? Er, yes, he is.
Did he give you my number?

333
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,039
Michael, it's a Nerys for you.

334
00:25:11,319 --> 00:25:13,599
Hello. Oh, hiya!

335
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,150
Nerys. So I know your name now.

336
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,259
No, I can still smell you. I haven't had a shower.

337
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:46,039
Lynn! Lynn!

338
00:25:47,759 --> 00:25:50,220
Lynn? I've been eating a lot of Toblerone,

339
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:55,990
I've eaten four and I've got two white ones left,
I don't like them as much,

340
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,730
- Hello.
- I'm not very happy,

341
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:05,839
I'm sorry about that. When you have a book out,
you get lots of criticism.

342
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,730
- It's very difficult to...
- Not a problem.

343
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:16,400
People would rather read books about people
called Dan the Daggerman from Dagenham.

344
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:18,700
Funny world.

345
00:26:19,039 --> 00:26:24,200
Who tortures you by putting your hair
in a fax machine and pressing "Send".

346
00:26:25,079 --> 00:26:27,680
What do you think was wrong with my book?

347
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,769
- I don't think anecdotes are your forte.
- That's fair enough.

348
00:26:33,559 --> 00:26:36,019
So you don't think I can tell anecdotes?

349
00:26:37,839 --> 00:26:40,089
Just pop that down for a second.

350
00:26:42,319 --> 00:26:44,069
I'll tell you an anecdote!

351
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,640
In 1975, I was catching the London train
from Crewe.

352
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,569
I found myself in a rush for the one remaining seat

353
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:57,150
with a good-looking man with collar-length hair.
It was the '70s. Buckaroo.

354
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:02,809
When I sat down, I looked up and realised
it was none other than Peter Purves.

355
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:06,410
It was at the height of his "Blue Peter" fame!

356
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:11,349
He said, "You jammy bastard"
and I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter."

357
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:16,230
Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
Now fuck off!

358
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,829
Hello. Come to see my book being pulped.

359
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,990
It's great I'm putting something back.

360
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,440
There's a lot of dignity involved.

361
00:27:48,319 --> 00:27:50,529
It looks like porridge!

362
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,490
Word porridge!

363
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:59,000
There's my book!

364
00:27:59,559 --> 00:28:03,000
- Thanks for the souvenir.
- No problem.

365
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,549
- Do "Blue Peter" want to film here?
- No.

366
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,289
Must be somewhere eke, then.