(Stephen Merchant over phone)
(Karl) All right, I'll talk to you before I come home.
(Karl) All right.
- I don't know. - (Car horns honking)
- Are you looking for the Messiah? - Yeah.
- He's gonna be here any minute. - Here?
- Yes. - What time are you seeing him?
- What? - What time have you got an appointment?
I don't have an appointment with him. I'm not a journalist. I'm with him.
- (Karl) Oh, right. So you know him? - Yes.
- (Dog barking) - Which side of town does he live on?
- Oh, here he is. - Oh, yes.
This is him. It's gotta be him, hasn't it?
I met Jesus today. I never thought I'd be doing that in my life.
He turns up, you know, robe on, beard.
Gets off his moped, that he calls a donkey, apparently.
He makes it... He makes it look more like a donkey by putting blankets over it.
Looks nothing like.
People of Israel. You must be holy.
- Really? Are you holy? - Otherwise...
you have a problem with your Father, God.
Hang on a minute, I was here first. Have these lot jumped the queue now?
- Is that it? Have I got to wait behind... - They're not in the queue.
They're just... It's curiosity.
- How are you doing? Steve sent me. - Thank you.
- What? - Steve. I'm hear to see ya.
- OK. - Can I sit down?
- Of course, sir. - Ohhh.
He'd sort of go, "Sit down, my son" or whatever.
None of that. He sort of shook me hand, said hi, carried on arguing with someone else.
(Exchange in Hebrew)
Some of it, you know, in a language I don't understand.
(Exchange in Hebrew)
I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's happening, really.
(Speaking Hebrew)
(Jesus) No, I'm not talking French, sir!
No way. Learn Hebrew.
Do some Russian things.
He's one of them people who starts to answer your question
before you've finished the question.
- So you feel like you have to do this, then? - Why?
- (Man speaks) - Oh, questions again.
Maybe the real one was like that.
I mean, you know, we don't know, do we?
(Speaks Hebrew)
This is gonna happen everywhere he goes.
- It's pointless. It's like knocking about with... - (Continues arguing)
...Jordan or something. Do you know what I mean?
- This is what's gonna happen. - (Speaks Hebrew)
I have a health problem. Let me touch your vest and cure me.
Leave me alone, you crazy guy!
- May I touch your vest, mashiach? - Don't touch my nothing!
- Please... - I can't touch his vest?
It's like Elvis, innit? It's like Elvis.
If he wasn't dead, would he still be a legend today?
That's how I feel with that.
I just think he would have been better off not coming back.
I've had enough. Can't we just go and see Petra?
Seriously, I think I've played the game.
Steve said see Israel, get involved.
- I've... - (Car horn honking)
Yeah.
Are we going this way, then?
What?
- Toilet roll. - That's OK.
Suntan lotion.
Please.
(Karl) Fuck me.