1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:03,155
Hi. I'm Ricky Gervais.

2
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:04,434
- With me, Stephen Merchant.
- Hello.

3
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:06,158
- And Karl Pilkington.
- All right?

4
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,915
And we've made a brand-new series
in which we send Karl

5
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,116
around the world to see the Seven Wonders.

6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,316
- Enjoy it?
- No, I hated it.

7
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,437
That was sort of the point. I was hoping for that.

8
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,988
- It's called An Idiot Abroad.
- I hate that as well.

9
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,234
He had no say in the title. He thought
it was Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.

10
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,788
- No.
- No. An Idiot Abroad.

11
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,474
You must be happy you're on Sky 1 though.

12
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,073
(Both laugh)

13
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,390
- Stitched him right up.
- Right up!

14
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,436
<i>The seven wonders of the world.</i>

15
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,395
If that was on my road,
the council would be on it.

16
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,472
They'd go, "Get that down. It's a death trap."

17
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,192
It's like a pylon.

18
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,592
For people who don't know who Karl Pilkington
is, how would you describe him?

19
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:19,036
A little round-headed,
bald, Manc,

20
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,510
- missing link, chimp-like... buffoon.
- Right.

21
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,591
- And you're a mate of his?
- I'm a good friend.

22
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:25,874
Ai!

23
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:30,511
<i>(Ricky) It's hilarious cos it shows a man</i>
<i>going through a bit of a crisis...</i>

24
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,798
I am knackered, and I don't know how to get
that across to them at home, I'm pissed off.

25
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,711
<i>... complaining all the time...</i>

26
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,758
I'm not going on a camel again.
I'm not going on a camel again.

27
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,353
- Why?
- I'm not going on a camel again.

28
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,158
Bollocks are squashed.

29
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,596
<i>He's out of his comfort zone</i>
<i>through the entire series.</i>

30
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,631
Shit! Shit!

31
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,188
<i>I watch it and I just cry with laughter.</i>

32
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,716
It is the funniest documentary I've ever seen.

33
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,473
Let me go home! Jesus Christ!

34
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,588
I shall make it clear. I wanted to send
Karl Pilkington around the world

35
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,478
because I thought it would broaden his mind,
he's a typical little Englander,

36
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,471
he's never gone anywhere exciting,

37
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,553
I thought it would inflame his imagination
as he saw other parts of the world.

38
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,076
Er, I didn't think that. I knew he'd hate it.

39
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,559
And that's why I did it.

40
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,278
Couldn't stand it.

41
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,792
There was no broadening of the mind going on.

42
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:31,350
I don't know what you mean, what do you mean
by that? What does that saying mean?

43
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,151
What do you think it means?

44
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,276
Well, just, I don't know.
I was expecting a bit of mind-broadening.

45
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,508
He summed it up!

46
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,674
(Stephen) Ricky and I
worked on a radio station together

47
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,593
and we had a producer given to us
who happened to be Karl Pilkington,

48
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,831
we'd never met him before,
he was just a guy to press the buttons.

49
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,753
And we were talking on the radio
and one day we asked him a question

50
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,753
- and the answer was extraordinary.
- Because he says the most awful things,

51
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,796
so naively, and sweetly.

52
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,713
Things like Chinese people don't age well.

53
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,758
He says, "You never see a 35-year-old one."

54
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,435
"What do you mean?" He went,
"They're good-looking when they're young

55
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,988
"but then they age overnight,
they're like a pear."

56
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:13,911
- I mean...
- It's just ignorance.

57
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,470
It's just ignorance.
There's nothing malicious about him.

58
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,279
(Director) Absolutely still and quiet, folks.

59
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,319
I'm fascinated by him and he's
fascinated me for seven years,

60
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:29,679
I've never got bored with the way he looks,
the way he thinks, what he says,

61
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,833
the fact that I can introduce new... It's so easy
to introduce a new experience to him.

62
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:38,152
- He's showing you some postures.
- He's showing a lot.

63
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,550
Yeah. If you want to see more,
you'll have to pay.

64
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,232
I don't want to see more.

65
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,676
- <i>(Ricky) The whole point, we came up with it...</i>
- Tell him that's enough.

66
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,514
<i>... and we sort of sprung it on Karl</i> -
<i>"I've got you your own show."</i>

67
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,716
- Your own television show.
- On Sky.

68
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,554
Travelling all over the globe,
experiencing some of the phenonemons...

69
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,200
All paid for. It's all paid for.

70
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,748
- What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming?
- Yeah.

71
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,434
Well, they've got to, they've got to film it.

72
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,911
Otherwise you'd be by yourself
and we wouldn't see it on the telly.

73
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,669
Yeah.

74
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,070
When we said to you, "We're gonna send you
round the world to see the Seven Wonders,"

75
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,390
what was your initial thought?

76
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,629
I was worried.

77
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:26,996
I don't really... think you should go anywhere
where you've got to have a jab.

78
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:29,990
Do you know what I mean? It's like a warning.

79
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,838
Trying to ruin my holiday already.
Not even packed my bag yet.

80
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,156
Look at this.

81
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:44,995
Before I'd even packed - "Oh, you've
got to have some injections." "What?"

82
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,550
I had an injection to sort of protect me
from dirty chimps.

83
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,631
Ha ha ha ha!

84
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,598
I didn't know that was ever
gonna be a problem in my life.

85
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,559
Quite on edge. I'm not into travelling.

86
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,598
I didn't go away until I was about 23
or something.

87
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,433
It's never been something
that's important to me, travelling.

88
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:09,878
I'm quite happy being where I live and knowing
where everything is and being happy with it.

89
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,552
So I'm gonna be out of my comfort zone.

90
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,873
Would you say you're a well-travelled person?
Where have you been?

91
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,870
- Wales. Went to Wales a lot.
- OK, Wales.

92
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,748
Yeah, we used to just go to Wales.
It felt further away than it was

93
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:27,118
- cos everyone spoke a different language.
- Or was it English with a Welsh accent?

94
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:31,034
They spoke English, but soon as an English
person walked in, they'd flick to Welsh.

95
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,113
That's how they do it. That's the only reason
they keep it. They don't need that language.

96
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,317
Don't need it. I mean, they don't.

97
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,437
I think they even know that,
I don't know who's keeping it going.

98
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,556
- Ooh.
- It's only down the road.

99
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,676
Why are they talking in a different language?

100
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,910
It's not a tribe. What's wrong with them?

101
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,395
Learn English, all pull together...

102
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,834
Anyway, what was my point?

103
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,676
<i>(Karl) The fact it's called a "wonder",</i>
<i>straight away it's annoying me.</i>

104
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,470
<i>I'll decide what's a wonder.</i>
<i>If it's wondrous to me.</i>

105
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,836
The great pyramids. Whoa, hang on a minute.
Let's just call them the pyramids.

106
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,832
- Let's have a look how great they are.
- Yeah!

107
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,434
The Great Wall of China. Whoa! Hang on.

108
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,670
It's the all right Wall of China.

109
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,159
They're building everything up.

110
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,719
You know, you can see it for miles.
It goes on for miles over the hills.

111
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,756
But so does the M6.

112
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,832
Do you know what I mean?
You can see that for miles. You go "great".

113
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,070
And that does a job. You can drive on that.

114
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,193
I'm gonna name the Seven Wonders
and I want you to tell me your gut reaction.

115
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:46,671
Gut reaction isn't wise, cos it still hasn't settled,
since all these places.

116
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,796
Ha ha ha ha ha!

117
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,633
- I don't think that's gonna have a clue.
- Right.

118
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,195
- It's rubbery.
- (Man) Chewy.

119
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,678
- How about testicle?
- That's a testicle?

120
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,671
Uh-huh.

121
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,513
And the chewy one, penis.

122
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,233
Your gut reaction when I say the words...
China.

123
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,388
Weird.

124
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,789
What's weird...
What's weird about it?

125
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,633
You list what's normal here.

126
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,078
In China it would be weird.

127
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,673
Like what?

128
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,991
- Toilets.
- What's wrong with the toilets in China?

129
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,832
They don't really have 'em.

130
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,118
They've got a building for it,
they've gone with the man and woman sign.

131
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,318
They've gone that distance, it's a toilet.
"I'll just nip in here, it's a toilet, nothing weird."

132
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:38,109
You go in... No toilets, just holes.

133
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,558
No doors. That's the other weird thing.

134
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,552
There's sort of cubicles, no doors.

135
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,239
So they can build the Great Wall.
They can do a massive big wall

136
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,675
but they can't be arsed putting MDF doors on.

137
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,194
Doesn't make sense.
Again, that's just China for you.

138
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,309
Have you seen this?
Have you seen the things?

139
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,152
And there's no toilet paper.

140
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:05,072
What do they do here? Do they just pull up
their pants and walk off? Is that what you do?

141
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,515
I'm not here to say
they should use toilet paper.

142
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,036
If that's not what they do, that's not
what they do. It's just, I didn't know that.

143
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,476
I didn't think China was gonna be like this.
I thought it was gonna be more...

144
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,916
Like I said,
I thought it was where they made the iPod.

145
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,470
I think I've got the wrong place because
this ain't a place where they need an iPod.

146
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,118
Have a toilet roll first.

147
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,751
It's weird cos whenever you buy stuff like that,
toilet roll holders,

148
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,671
it says, "Made In China".

149
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,398
Why aren't they using them then?

150
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,040
- What did you make of Peru?
- It was hard work, that.

151
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,348
It was hard work, Peru.

152
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,069
In the jungle, a lot of insects.
More insects than people.

153
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,718
I was the odd one out.

154
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,190
<i>When I got off the boat and got onto land,</i>

155
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,955
<i>there was loads of stuff</i>
<i>sort of coming to me straightaway.</i>

156
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,474
<i>Like, "Here's something new. Let's hassle it."</i>

157
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,912
Fuck!

158
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,552
Fuckin' hell!

159
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,313
I wanna go home.

160
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,071
<i>And there's no order to any of it,</i>
<i>the little things can be deadly,</i>

161
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,993
<i>the big things that look evil, they're friendly.</i>

162
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,277
- Did you say it's poisonous or it's not?
- No, it's not poisonous.

163
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,635
This bite you but it's not poisonous.

164
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,029
- Well again, that's no good.
- They're...

165
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,432
So these are the ones that wrap round you
and then you sort of breathe in...

166
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,158
Ohh! What's that?

167
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:24,350
It's weird stuff, that's why, when people say
God did all this and God made it all,

168
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,716
you sort of go, "He can't have done,
he wouldn't have made that."

169
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,792
I saw this fat worm.
Why would he have made that?

170
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,997
At what point...
He did all this in seven days, they say.

171
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,631
I reckon that's in the afternoon of the seventh
day, he's going, "I can't be arsed with this.

172
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,551
"Let's just make a bit of a blob
with a head on it."

173
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,916
Really weird-looking stuff, you go,
"I don't know what it's doing in the world."

174
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,592
In the end I ate one.

175
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,437
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

176
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,991
Oh, God! That's coming soon, to Sky 1.
In HD.

177
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,234
It's like a little tornado, isn't it?

178
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,953
Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure,
do you?

179
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,395
Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.
They tend to leave that out.

180
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:17,429
You've been to the Seven Wonders. How would
you sell, honestly, sell these places to me?

181
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,990
We're coming into your travel agents,
"Karl Pilkington's Travel.

182
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,958
"He's been round the world,
he's seen all the sights."

183
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,795
So we go in there.
"Hello, we're thinking of going on holiday,

184
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,393
"me and my husband, Stephen."

185
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,357
- What are you thinking?
- China.

186
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,079
China? No, I wouldn't bother with that.

187
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,559
Where have you been in the past?

188
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,359
We've been to Wales
and we don't understand the language.

189
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,795
- Don't know what they're saying.
- Don't know what they're saying.

190
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,757
- Forget China then.
- Oh.

191
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,196
They're worse than the Welsh
with their language. It's mental.

192
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,875
There's no order to it whatsoever.
It's just... It's mental language.

193
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,431
It's like aliens. So you don't wanna go there.
Have you thought of anywhere else?

194
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,590
You're supposed to be selling us
the holiday to China.

195
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,716
No, no, I've just got to sell you a holiday.

196
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,519
So I'd say you don't wanna go there.
How old are you?

197
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,160
- Oh, well, I'm 72.
- Right.

198
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,677
- I'm 23.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

199
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,912
Ah! Oh! To be honest,
I thought he'd be a bit more virile.

200
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:18,630
Even though he's 23 his penis is actually 102.
Why did he have that put on?

201
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,109
Is this any use?

202
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,270
(Both laugh)

203
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,669
I don't know what this is.

204
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,115
Oh, let's have a break!

205
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,234
Totally spherical. And empty.

206
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,872
That reminds you of the globe.

207
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:39,078
That's where we got the idea from, wasn't it,
to send you around the world.

208
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:44,511
Er, we've got a new series,
coming to Sky 1. In HD.

209
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,593
Where we send our friend, Karl Pilkington,
around the world.

210
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,115
- (Camel grunts)
- Fuckin' hell!

211
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,872
(Karl) Are were nearly there?

212
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,952
(Banging)

213
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,837
- Do you know why I think people will enjoy it?
- What?

214
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:13,152
If they have travelled, I think they'll be laughing
at how ignorant this man is...

215
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,277
The chin looks a bit big.
It's a bit sort of Jimmy Hill-ish.

216
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,796
...and how he's not appreciating the wonderful
opportunities we're giving him.

217
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,154
(Gunshots)

218
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,595
Hey! Hey!

219
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,877
<i>(Stephen) And if people haven't travelled</i>
<i>and they're scared to, they'll relate to Karl.</i>

220
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,234
I hate it.

221
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,108
I think a lot of people are gonna think it's
brilliant and agree with everything you say.

222
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,156
(Man) What do you think?

223
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,239
Andy Pandy on crack.

224
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:43,028
How would you describe this programme
to people watching at home?

225
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,591
It's like Palin. It's a sort of Michael Palin,
travelling the world,

226
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,912
showing them people at home - Bob in
Yorkshire who's been in the factory all day,

227
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,719
come home - he's not gonna get out much,

228
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,791
erm, he's on disability allowance.

229
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,830
- He doesn't want...
- He's working and signing on?

230
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,070
- Yeah.
- Oh. Right.

231
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,151
Has he paid his subscription
or is he getting dodgy...

232
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,152
I think he gets it for free.
You know what it's like these days.

233
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:12,189
It's like, "Oh, he can't go out much, give him
free subscription, it makes Sky look good,

234
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,032
- "keeps him happy."
- Sure.

235
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,954
Sky give away subscriptions to people who
are signing on and claiming disability allowance?

236
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,793
- Yeah, probably.
- That's a policy, so...

237
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,919
if you're signing on and working
and you've got disability allowance,

238
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,834
just call Sky and you will get Sky 1 free, in HD.

239
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,556
I don't know why it's in HD, a lot of it.

240
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,119
Why?

241
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,590
I don't know what that brings to it.
Do you have to pay more for HD?

242
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,910
I don't know, but what don't you think...

243
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,558
Well, China.

244
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,676
It's the greyest place I've ever seen.

245
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,751
- Ha ha!
- I don't know why anyone...

246
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,310
"Oh, look at the grey,
let's see it in HD, it's even greyer."

247
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,472
- Ha ha ha ha!
- I wouldn't want to feel like I'm there.

248
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,028
I've been there.
I don't want to feel like I'm there again.

249
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,998
HD's great for looking at bright frogs.

250
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,992
It'll probably be nice for episode 7, Peru.

251
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,231
There's loads of nature stuff where you go,
"Look at the colour of that."

252
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,914
China... dreadful.

253
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,436
Ha ha ha! That's China summed up!

254
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,353
Er, if you're a travel agent,
black and white poster of China,

255
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,432
just says, "China Dreadful."

256
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,197
(Siren)

257
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,915
(Horn beeps)

258
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,037
Traffic's horrendous. (Sighs)

259
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,553
(Horns continue)

260
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,393
It's not just the traffic, it's just beeping.

261
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,996
But it just seems to be like people letting on
to each other at four in the morning.

262
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,392
Go home, what are you doing?
I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.

263
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,558
Er... I mean, that song, Walk Like An Egyptian.

264
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,193
No one's walking. Everyone seems to be in a car
at all hours, just beeping.

265
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,236
(Horns beeping)

266
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,156
People say to me, "Oh, you've been round
the world, that's a good experience, innit?

267
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:16,189
"Oh, you're so lucky." And I start moaning,
they go, "Why did he get the trip?

268
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,999
"I could have gone there,
I'd be over the moon."

269
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,550
- (Creaking)
- That happens whenever you turn over.

270
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:27,270
So you go, "What's that?" and then the doors
going "Eeer!" and the bed's going "Sh-sh-sh!"

271
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,396
and the cleaners outside giving it that.

272
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,950
The lowest points of my life have been sort of
during this programme.

273
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:37,318
I've not been sleeping, I've not been eating.
I'm getting bit to death and I can't have a shit!

274
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,949
You were calling me up every day
giving me bits of information.

275
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,953
"Oh, you're off to do this today." "What are you
calling now for? It's four in the morning."

276
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:49,511
"Well, get up, you've got to go and do this."
I never knew anything that was coming.

277
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,870
Oh, for fuck's sake.

278
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,474
Well, it's obviously some nudist beach,
isn't it?

279
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,999
I've never seen anyone bend over
so much as him.

280
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:11,828
This wasn't a free holiday. I thought
it was gonna be when I signed up to this.

281
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:17,438
<i>If you'd have called me up when I was</i>
<i>in that tent in the middle of the Amazon,</i>

282
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,353
<i>at three in the morning as I'm pissing</i>
<i>into an Evian bottle</i>

283
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,908
<i>it's hard to see</i>
<i>how you were doing me a favour.</i>

284
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,356
Why were you going into a bottle?
You were in the middle of the jungle. Go out.

285
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,079
No, cos it's in the middle of the night.
Can't go out.

286
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,277
This is what I mean,
you think you know it all. "Just go out."

287
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,638
I tell you what, let's go back and let's see you
go out in the middle of the night in the jungle.

288
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,953
There's all sorts out there.
The noise that's in the jungle is...

289
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,838
Nothing goes to bed at night,
that's why there's a lot of nocturnal stuff.

290
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,480
No one can get their eyes shut.
Everything's off.

291
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,996
(Makes animal noises)
Snakes going, stuff clip...

292
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,435
There was something outside my tent,
I'm not joking,

293
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,636
it was man-size.

294
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,439
And it was making a human noise.

295
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,274
- Was it a human?
- I'm talking gorilla-type noise.

296
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,750
- Right?
- That's terrifying. You're saying, "Nip out."

297
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,638
But he could go in the tent if he wanted,
couldn't he?

298
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,553
- No.
- What, a thin sheet of nylon keeps him...

299
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,030
"All right, lads, don't go in there,
there's a bit of cloth.

300
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,997
"Wait till he comes out for a piss.

301
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,036
- "He's got an Evian bottle."
- "We're screwed!"

302
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:23,159
I'm just saying, I had to empty
my Evian bottle.

303
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,198
- In the morning?
- No, in the night, it was only a little one.

304
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:30,114
So you pissed in the tent and then emptied
it out, so you were out there anyway.

305
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,318
Yeah, but it's just me hand going out.
Going like that and coming back in again.

306
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,960
Surely you'd rather lose your penis
than your hand.

307
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,871
Nothing wants your penis.

308
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,279
You'd be surprised.

309
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,316
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

310
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,834
Honestly, there's some weird stuff out there.

311
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:49,357
Do you know there's fish in the Amazon
that go up your knob.

312
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,832
Everyone's saying to me,
"You've seen the Amazon? That's amazing."

313
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,956
How come the stuff that lives in it
doesn't want to live in it?

314
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,191
He'd rather live in my knob
than live in the river.

315
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:04,070
You're telling me that I'm meant to be lucky?
Nowhere's safe, you can never relax.

316
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,516
<i>In Jordan, I was in a tent</i>
<i>with a load of local people.</i>

317
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,470
I don't like the look of this.

318
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,078
Don't put too much of that on my...
my bit.

319
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,596
I can't, erm, I can't have too much of that.

320
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,478
- Ooh. Thank you.
- (Local man) Eat more!

321
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,519
- Can you tell me what it is?
- It's meat from the goat.

322
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,239
- What bit is it though? That's not meat.
- This is the eye.

323
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:35,358
I can't eat eye. I'll tell you now,
I've got a very bad gag reflex.

324
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:40,116
If I eat that and I start gagging, that doesn't
look good either. They'll think I'm rude.

325
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:44,910
That's the annoying thing, I end up feeling bad
cos I'm meant to be a guest.

326
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,594
Just cos you're a guest,
doesn't mean you gotta eat lambs' eyes.

327
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,353
There's the whole animal there.
A lamb's that big.

328
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,115
Why are we eating that bit?
Put that in the bin. Let's have a go at all that!

329
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,513
And people'll be watching it going,
"He should have joined in.

330
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,876
"He's in their country, he's in their tent."
I didn't want to be, you two sent me there.

331
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,589
And they've got to remember that.
That was never part of the plan.

332
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,794
Tell me why.
Why is this traditional Chinese massage?

333
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,837
- It relaxes...
- No, it doesn't relax me. What does it do?

334
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,831
Why is she setting fire to me?

335
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,196
What good is it doing me?
Don't just stand there saying it's traditional.

336
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,511
It's traditional, it's a delicacy.
What is she doing?

337
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,352
Aaaagh!

338
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,831
Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill you
makes you stronger."

339
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,799
No, that doesn't always work.
There's loads of things.

340
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,836
- What?
- I don't wanna bring the tone down

341
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,549
but there's a lot of illnesses
that don't make you stronger.

342
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,108
They make you weaker and you get weaker
and you die.

343
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:44,159
That's someone who's positive thinking.
I'd like to say to him, "Wake up, Nietzsche,

344
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,310
"that isn't always the case."

345
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,591
Maybe that's me being down on things
instead of always looking at the positive...

346
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,912
I'd love you to say to Nietzsche,
"Wake up, Nietzsche." I'd love it!

347
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,150
Just to sit you with these great philosophers.

348
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:03,869
- It looked better on you.
- Wow! You look just like a wrestler.

349
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,520
I look like a right knobhead.

350
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,716
Hey, come on! Squat and then jump...

351
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,473
- Don't you just go like that?
- Yeah, try it.

352
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,278
- Whoa! Good job!
- Nearly.

353
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:24,035
<i>(Ricky) Obviously there are people whose job</i>
<i>it is to comment on TV shows they've watched.</i>

354
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,512
<i>The critics.</i>

355
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,235
Thoughts?

356
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,197
They are gonna hate it.

357
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,192
Because they think they know
what a travel programme should be like.

358
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,872
- They're not gonna enjoy this.
- No?

359
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:39,238
But, you know, some people will, won't they?
Not everybody likes...

360
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,548
couscous.

361
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,712
Everybody pulled a face at me when
I was in Egypt. "I don't want any." "Really?"

362
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,314
Suddenly I'm the odd one out
cos I don't want couscous.

363
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:53,393
I don't need it in my life. It's annoying that
everyone else thinks I should be eating it.

364
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,598
It's the same with the critics. "You won't like
this, everyone." Let them decide.

365
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,796
Let them watch it,
make up their own minds.

366
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,030
That's all I'm saying. Just say, "Watch it."

367
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,032
It's on Sky. They've paid for Sky anyway,
haven't they?

368
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,918
Use it. You've paid for it, watch it.

369
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,073
They're the idiots, they're going,
"I'm not watching this," they've paid for it.

370
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,590
(Squealing)

371
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,559
If you could bring one thing
that you saw abroad, on your travels,

372
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,871
you go. "OK, this is the best of the rest."

373
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,077
What, I'm taking a Wonder
away from another country?

374
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:39,359
Not a Wonder, anything, like Sir Walter Raleigh
brought back spuds and tobacco.

375
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,955
Now everyone loves a bit of mash and fags.

376
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,073
Well, it was easier back then.

377
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,230
- We had nothing here.
- Mm.

378
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,198
Now, everything that's sold in America's
here straightaway anyway.

379
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,511
It's hard to be... If Walter was around now,
I don't think he'd be bringing anything back,

380
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,068
cos it'd be a straw donkey or a big hat.

381
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,435
Look at the shite people bring back
from holiday.

382
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,718
I think his family'd be going, "What's he got?
Last time he brought some fags and spuds."

383
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:07,476
He'd go, "There's nothing.
I've got you a fridge magnet." Nothing!

384
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,596
Honestly, I didn't bring anything back.

385
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,069
I very rarely brought anything back
as a memento.

386
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,118
Did you bring Suzanne, your girlfriend,
back anything?

387
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,670
Yeah, I got her like a turtle,
you blow into its arse and it makes a tune,

388
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,228
but she hasn't played with that.

389
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,313
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah!

390
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,437
Oh God! That's amazing!

391
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,439
That's amazing!

392
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,274
Oh, fuck me.
You are the strangest man on the planet.

393
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:35,949
You haven't been to China.

394
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,600
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

395
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,671
Thank you! Good night.

396
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,796
(Stephen) See you later.
(Ricky) Oh!

397
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,471
Done.