1 00:00:20,057 --> 00:00:25,057 If I was on my death bed, there's no way I wanna be climbing Kilimanjaro. 2 00:00:25,057 --> 00:00:28,897 It's not things to do a few minutes before you die. (laughs) 3 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,857 Easy boys. Easy boys! 4 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,877 It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time. 5 00:00:38,017 --> 00:00:40,677 We've told him he gets to choose from the list 6 00:00:41,857 --> 00:00:43,517 This is like an Attenborough moment. 7 00:00:43,517 --> 00:00:46,657 But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store 8 00:00:47,977 --> 00:00:49,057 Fucking hell! 9 00:00:49,057 --> 00:00:50,897 This is a man who's reluctant. 10 00:00:50,897 --> 00:00:53,697 This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things. 11 00:00:54,977 --> 00:00:58,977 It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die. 12 00:00:58,977 --> 00:01:02,717 Yeah, exactly. This isn't his list. (laughs) 13 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:08,997 Fucking twats! Agh! 14 00:01:11,777 --> 00:01:14,557 Travel the Trans-Siberian railway. 15 00:01:14,557 --> 00:01:16,897 Oh, wow. 16 00:01:16,897 --> 00:01:19,597 That's the stuff of dreams, isn't it? 17 00:01:19,597 --> 00:01:23,137 This is known as the greatest train journey in the world. 18 00:01:25,157 --> 00:01:27,937 Is that because most train journeys aren't that great anymore? 19 00:01:27,937 --> 00:01:31,977 I know they get on the Pendolino from Euston to Manchester. 20 00:01:31,977 --> 00:01:35,177 I'm looking forward to this. I'll do it because it'll get me from A to B. 21 00:01:35,177 --> 00:01:38,237 I've always wanted to do it. I'm fascinated by Russia. 22 00:01:38,237 --> 00:01:40,677 A place of amazing... The history alone... 23 00:01:40,677 --> 00:01:42,677 It's grim, Russia? What do you mean grim? 24 00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:45,477 What? All if it? It's the biggest country in the world. 25 00:01:46,817 --> 00:01:51,237 What you see on the telly is people queuing for spuds and stuff. 26 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:53,697 Maybe it is a good train journey to them. 27 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,457 Maybe their other trains are worse than ours. 28 00:01:56,737 --> 00:01:59,957 The luxury carriages of the Trans-Siberian Express 29 00:01:59,957 --> 00:02:03,617 have, you know, all the modern coms, it's like luxury stuff. 30 00:02:03,617 --> 00:02:05,677 What's the toilet situation on the train? 31 00:02:07,777 --> 00:02:10,677 I've never been on the journey so can't say for certain, 32 00:02:10,677 --> 00:02:13,997 there's, you know... Toilets. 33 00:02:13,997 --> 00:02:16,837 As long as there's toilets. How long are you on the toilet? 34 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,297 Ages. I sit there loads. Why? Cos it's me time. 35 00:02:20,897 --> 00:02:22,997 There's no one else coming in annoying me. 36 00:02:22,997 --> 00:02:25,417 Everywhere else I go in the house Suzanne's there. 37 00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:28,417 "You haven't done this. Have you called them? That needs fixing." 38 00:02:28,417 --> 00:02:31,757 She doesn't come in there. Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb. 39 00:02:31,757 --> 00:02:34,817 That's the thing for me. I've gotta get up in a minute. 40 00:02:34,817 --> 00:02:38,017 Because otherwise she will have to come in and help me off. (laughter) 41 00:02:38,017 --> 00:02:41,097 What a life! What a life... I like... 42 00:02:50,997 --> 00:02:53,717 But it's better than the others. That's the problem with this. 43 00:02:53,717 --> 00:02:56,037 Can we sign you up for this one? Yeah? 44 00:02:56,037 --> 00:02:57,777 Great. Trans-Siberian Express. 45 00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:58,717 Yeah. Enjoy it. 46 00:03:09,377 --> 00:03:11,457 Alright? Would you give us a lift into town? 47 00:03:29,697 --> 00:03:33,217 I'm going on the train. On the Trans-Siberian railway. 48 00:03:33,217 --> 00:03:35,957 It's things to do before you die. Have you been on it? 49 00:03:59,337 --> 00:04:00,917 You're not selling it to me. 50 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,537 Whatever you think is worth seeing. 51 00:04:08,097 --> 00:04:10,577 Right, well, that's not great. 52 00:04:12,257 --> 00:04:15,237 And I thought I was miserable. Good Jesus! 53 00:04:16,397 --> 00:04:20,077 Honestly, if that's what I'm like. Suzanne always says I moan a lot. 54 00:04:22,197 --> 00:04:24,737 If she moans at me again... I wish she was here, really. 55 00:04:24,737 --> 00:04:27,597 Just so I can say, "Come and meet this miserable bastard." 56 00:04:27,597 --> 00:04:30,737 I mean, he's in the wrong job, isn't he? He's working with tourists. 57 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,697 (producer) They don't get that many tourists here, Karl. 58 00:04:36,737 --> 00:04:40,037 They won't have him as the first point of contact when people come in. 59 00:04:40,037 --> 00:04:43,117 Honestly, if there was a plane going back now I'd get on it. 60 00:05:00,917 --> 00:05:04,197 Oh, brilliant. Thanks, cheers. 61 00:05:05,357 --> 00:05:07,877 What do you think? Food looks alright. 62 00:05:07,877 --> 00:05:11,777 Building's lovely. There's a lot of blokes around with next to nowt on. 63 00:05:11,777 --> 00:05:15,477 Are they totally nude? I didn't wanna look properly. I just saw skin. 64 00:05:16,497 --> 00:05:19,437 Some of them are. It's leather furniture. 65 00:05:19,437 --> 00:05:21,697 You shouldn't sit on a leather sofa with a bare arse. 66 00:05:21,697 --> 00:05:24,957 I didn't like getting in my dad's Ford Cortina with shorts on 67 00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:27,977 cos your skin sticks to it. I don't want me bollocks stuck to this. 68 00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:32,577 I don't even wanna touch it now. I mean, it's wipeable. 69 00:05:39,937 --> 00:05:41,017 Steam room? 70 00:05:43,937 --> 00:05:45,697 I didn't know that. Nobody said that? 71 00:05:48,117 --> 00:05:49,577 OK. I'll see you in a bit. See you. 72 00:06:07,777 --> 00:06:08,817 That's hot. 73 00:06:14,317 --> 00:06:18,177 I like a massage. I love it, when I get in, I say to Suzanne, 74 00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:21,617 "Rub me legs, they're active. Rub me neck." Just a nice rub. 75 00:06:21,617 --> 00:06:26,857 That's all I want. Nice and quiet. Ten minutes of that. 76 00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,837 I've never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub. 77 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,537 The thing is, cos I can't feel anything at the moment, 78 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,957 I feel scalded. They might be nettles. 79 00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:50,317 And then they'll be whacking me again with dock leaves. 80 00:06:51,937 --> 00:06:53,277 Fucking hell! 81 00:06:53,277 --> 00:06:56,837 Agh! Fuck! (laughs) 82 00:06:58,817 --> 00:07:03,317 It says a lot that women aren't here. Cos women are a bit more screwed on, 83 00:07:03,317 --> 00:07:06,817 I think, when it comes to knowing how to relax. 84 00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:09,537 They go off and have a nice little face rub. 85 00:07:12,137 --> 00:07:17,997 Leg massage. Facial. I mean, how do they do it a facial here? 86 00:07:19,777 --> 00:07:23,477 It seems like you can't enjoy anything. 87 00:07:28,737 --> 00:07:33,217 Can't wait to get out of Moscow. I haven't enjoyed it very much. 88 00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:40,777 Glad just to get on the tracks, really. 89 00:07:53,797 --> 00:07:55,597 This is all a bit, sort of, 90 00:07:55,597 --> 00:07:58,977 Aberdeen Angus Steak House. '70s. 91 00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:03,337 Other than that it's sound, yeah. Perfect. 92 00:08:03,337 --> 00:08:07,617 This is all I want. Me own space. No people annoying me. No noise. 93 00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:11,197 No crowds. And I just look out the window. 94 00:08:12,177 --> 00:08:14,777 At Russia. Which is what it's all about, innit? 95 00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:18,197 Are you just gonna keep yourself to yourself? That's the plan. 96 00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:21,717 I'm not here to annoy anyone. They don't have to annoy me. 97 00:08:23,617 --> 00:08:26,177 For me, it's perfect. I can't moan. 98 00:08:26,177 --> 00:08:28,897 Ricky and Steve said this is what I was gonna get. 99 00:08:28,897 --> 00:08:31,777 And they've delivered. I'm not gonna moan. 100 00:08:33,797 --> 00:08:36,257 (knocking) 101 00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,417 (speaks in Russian) 102 00:08:41,857 --> 00:08:46,397 No, this here. Yeah. 103 00:08:46,397 --> 00:08:48,637 (speaks in Russian) 104 00:08:50,077 --> 00:08:55,157 Room six? Room six. Same as this? 105 00:09:00,117 --> 00:09:04,417 Alright, just give us a minute cos I need to get me bag and shoes. 106 00:09:06,497 --> 00:09:09,997 Yeah, I'll come to room six in a minute, alright. 107 00:09:11,137 --> 00:09:14,737 Just give me a minute. I'll put me shoes on and come down to room six. 108 00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:16,417 Da. Da. 109 00:09:18,577 --> 00:09:20,257 I'll come down in a minute. 110 00:09:20,257 --> 00:09:23,137 Just let me put these on and get my stuff together. 111 00:09:23,137 --> 00:09:26,517 (speaks in Russian) And I'll come down. Brilliant. 112 00:09:27,937 --> 00:09:31,637 I will. I will come down if you want to... 113 00:09:33,217 --> 00:09:37,157 I can find it on me own if you like. And I can come down. 114 00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:44,317 12 in that one. 115 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,137 This is good. 116 00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:49,697 (coughs) Smoking carriage. 117 00:09:49,697 --> 00:09:52,357 Are we going in the rough part here? 118 00:09:52,357 --> 00:09:55,717 Is it much further? Much... 119 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,137 (indistinct) 120 00:10:02,517 --> 00:10:03,957 Really? 121 00:10:04,297 --> 00:10:05,697 Staying here? 122 00:10:05,857 --> 00:10:08,937 What do I do? Where will I sit? 123 00:10:11,137 --> 00:10:13,217 This one's mine. 124 00:10:16,097 --> 00:10:19,077 This isn't funny this. This is dangerous. 125 00:10:20,557 --> 00:10:24,097 What class is this? Seriously. 126 00:10:24,097 --> 00:10:27,577 I'm sat on a shelf. This isn't a bed. 127 00:10:31,557 --> 00:10:33,817 I feel like Anne Frank. 128 00:10:33,817 --> 00:10:36,257 I hope there's no one gonna be above me again, is there? 129 00:10:36,257 --> 00:10:38,777 That isn't another bed up there, is it? 130 00:10:38,777 --> 00:10:42,217 It's just not practical, this. At least you've got a bed. 131 00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,197 Richard, stop saying "At least you've got a bed." 132 00:10:44,197 --> 00:10:46,937 Great for putting books on. Ornaments. 133 00:10:51,457 --> 00:10:53,577 . 134 00:10:56,563 --> 00:10:58,683 . 135 00:11:02,832 --> 00:11:05,872 (ringing tone) 136 00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:11,032 Alright, how's it going? 137 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,752 Well, yeah, it was lovely for about 20 minutes. 138 00:11:15,752 --> 00:11:18,432 Before they moved me to third class. Nice that. 139 00:11:26,292 --> 00:11:28,552 Didn't really get a chance to get bored with it. 140 00:11:30,312 --> 00:11:33,832 What do you think? I didn't even know there was a third class. 141 00:11:33,832 --> 00:11:37,212 I don't even send letters third class. 142 00:12:04,272 --> 00:12:05,472 See you later. 143 00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:09,872 (huffs) I think it's just something that was done years ago. 144 00:12:09,872 --> 00:12:14,792 It was a nice idea. In the '60s there was all that space race. 145 00:12:16,352 --> 00:12:18,472 But then it's just died out. 146 00:12:20,352 --> 00:12:24,172 To me, it's how, like, everybody was, sort of, into going to Tenerife 147 00:12:24,172 --> 00:12:28,552 in the '80s. Everywhere has its day. Know what I mean? 148 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,352 Before that, space. 149 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:38,312 It's just Torremolinos. These are places that are talked about 150 00:12:38,312 --> 00:12:43,592 in certain decades and after a while, people realise 151 00:12:43,592 --> 00:12:46,452 they're not that great. And they stop going. 152 00:12:46,452 --> 00:12:49,732 And that's what happened with, like, space and the moon. 153 00:12:49,732 --> 00:12:51,592 You're not interested in zero gravity? 154 00:12:51,592 --> 00:12:54,072 No, I like to have me feet on the ground. 155 00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:56,732 And being in control of where I'm going. 156 00:13:03,112 --> 00:13:04,172 (speaks in Russian) 157 00:13:11,112 --> 00:13:14,692 I don't understand. I... I don't understand. 158 00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:18,192 Can I see this move without me in? 159 00:13:21,012 --> 00:13:23,972 Yeah, but is it possible to see it without me in 160 00:13:29,612 --> 00:13:31,432 I thought it was a whizzy thing. 161 00:13:31,432 --> 00:13:32,872 Yeah, it spins round. 162 00:13:32,872 --> 00:13:33,732 To where? 163 00:13:35,912 --> 00:13:38,292 I've seen something different to this. 164 00:13:38,292 --> 00:13:41,012 On James Bond. It was like an egg on an arm. 165 00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:43,092 And it whizzes round and you can see my face, 166 00:13:43,092 --> 00:13:46,192 and I can go, "Oh." That's a film. 167 00:13:47,272 --> 00:13:50,152 It would make it a lot easier if I see someone else go in here, 168 00:13:50,152 --> 00:13:52,852 whizz round and see what they come out like. 169 00:13:58,312 --> 00:14:03,472 I came to Russia to get on a train. Trans-Siberian railway. 170 00:14:05,952 --> 00:14:07,332 I feel sick. 171 00:14:15,512 --> 00:14:18,152 (male voice speaks Russian) 172 00:14:18,632 --> 00:14:21,672 Have you done anything like this before? No, no, I haven't. No. 173 00:14:21,672 --> 00:14:25,472 Why would I? Think about what you're asking me there, Richard. 174 00:14:25,472 --> 00:14:28,392 Have I done anything like this before? Got in a tumble dryer? 175 00:14:28,392 --> 00:14:31,132 What do you mean? Have I done anything like this before? 176 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,272 We will hear and see you. 177 00:14:36,552 --> 00:14:37,712 Ready? 178 00:14:37,712 --> 00:14:40,072 Can we start off slowly? OK. 179 00:14:41,192 --> 00:14:43,312 It's moving now. It's not moving. 180 00:14:43,312 --> 00:14:45,432 It is! It's moving now. 181 00:14:57,992 --> 00:15:00,712 It's a mad thing. It was 30 years old, that bit of kit. 182 00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,872 I can feel it now. Oh fuck. 183 00:15:11,872 --> 00:15:14,552 It was like a giant swingball. 184 00:15:15,912 --> 00:15:17,512 And I was sat in the ball. 185 00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:19,972 Jesus Christ. 186 00:15:32,572 --> 00:15:36,112 Yeah, just feel a bit... 187 00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:39,112 I am, yeah. 188 00:15:41,052 --> 00:15:42,872 How fast is that? 189 00:15:46,992 --> 00:15:48,232 (groans) 190 00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:54,492 I done it. It was alright. 191 00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:56,192 I thought I did a good job in the end. 192 00:15:56,192 --> 00:15:59,052 It's not that hard being a spaceman. 193 00:15:59,052 --> 00:16:02,212 It's sort of built up as being tricky and complicated. 194 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,132 But you've just gotta sit on your arse. 195 00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:07,112 At the end of the day, think about it, they sent a chimp. 196 00:16:07,112 --> 00:16:09,552 I mean, when you're taking over from a chimp, 197 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,272 it's not a difficult job, is it? There's no pressure on you. 198 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,992 In fact, there is cos if you don't get it right, they go, 199 00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:17,372 "What are you doing? Chimp managed to do it." 200 00:16:48,872 --> 00:16:54,692 I don't want to start whizzing about in zero gravity. 201 00:16:54,692 --> 00:16:56,652 It's worried me more seeing the briefing. 202 00:16:56,652 --> 00:16:58,972 Seeing the footage of people floating about. 203 00:16:58,972 --> 00:17:01,692 Even Stephen Hawking has been up there. He's done it. 204 00:17:01,692 --> 00:17:06,012 But what damage can he possibly do to himself now? He's knackered. 205 00:17:06,012 --> 00:17:09,072 Years ago, when they first got on the moon or in space, 206 00:17:09,072 --> 00:17:12,612 it was all, "One small step for man... giant leap for mankind." 207 00:17:12,612 --> 00:17:15,652 Have you seen that footage? They've got David Coulthard there, 208 00:17:15,652 --> 00:17:18,532 messing about in a racing car. That isn't what it was invented for. 209 00:17:18,532 --> 00:17:21,072 I thought it was communications and all that. 210 00:17:21,072 --> 00:17:24,232 They're just chucking shit up there. What else can we put in? 211 00:17:24,232 --> 00:17:28,712 What else can we see floating about? "Harry, you got an old mattress." 212 00:17:28,712 --> 00:17:32,392 "We can take it up." Do you know what I mean? What are they doing? 213 00:17:37,672 --> 00:17:39,272 Karl. Pil-king-ton. 214 00:17:43,472 --> 00:17:45,832 Loads. I get headaches a lot. Back pain. 215 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,272 I've got flat feet. Kidney stones. 216 00:17:50,752 --> 00:17:51,752 I might have them. 217 00:17:53,832 --> 00:17:54,952 (inhales/exhales deeply) 218 00:17:54,952 --> 00:17:56,652 Glands, swollen? 219 00:17:58,312 --> 00:17:59,412 It can't be. 220 00:18:02,952 --> 00:18:04,232 How's it going? 221 00:18:06,532 --> 00:18:09,112 I was getting excited about the zero gravity flight. 222 00:18:14,312 --> 00:18:16,312 Not if... I've gotta listen to the doctor. 223 00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:19,912 They have to give you a medical before you get on it. 224 00:18:24,212 --> 00:18:26,152 I can't do it. I would have loved to. 225 00:18:26,152 --> 00:18:28,512 I've never been so happy really to be ill. 226 00:18:28,512 --> 00:18:32,312 She said, your neck's all swollen, your nose is glowing 227 00:18:41,612 --> 00:18:44,552 It's too dangerous but I'll chuck something else up there. 228 00:18:47,772 --> 00:18:50,152 But they've booked it now. We've booked the flight. 229 00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:55,272 I've just gotta wait here now. 230 00:18:55,272 --> 00:18:57,972 Not that bothered, if I'm honest with you. 231 00:18:58,192 --> 00:19:03,932 ♪ The Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II 232 00:19:09,472 --> 00:19:12,172 Rick'll moan going, "We spent all that money 233 00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:18,072 on a zero gravity flight." What else could I send up? 234 00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:21,872 I'm sick of Revels. 235 00:19:26,392 --> 00:19:30,952 I know what'll happen. People'll go, "Don't you regret not doing it?" 236 00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:34,792 No, not really. Never wanted to float about. It's never been a dream. 237 00:19:34,792 --> 00:19:38,112 I'm not one for getting ill either. I don't get ill that often. 238 00:19:38,112 --> 00:19:42,472 I got really ill when I was a kid. And I ate some old doughnuts 239 00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:46,492 from outside the local bakery. I went round the back 240 00:19:46,492 --> 00:19:48,872 and there was a load of cream doughnuts and I ate 'em. 241 00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:51,092 Anyway, the cream was off. I was in agony. 242 00:19:51,092 --> 00:19:53,432 Doctor came round. Told me mam I was going to die. 243 00:19:53,432 --> 00:19:56,392 He was messing about. She didn't know. She has a panic on. 244 00:19:56,392 --> 00:19:59,432 She called me dad at work. "You've gotta come home. Karl's dying." 245 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:03,312 "Why? What's up with him?" "He's ate a load of old doughnuts." 246 00:20:03,312 --> 00:20:07,752 Meant to be whizzing through space and I'm talking about doughnuts. 247 00:20:08,192 --> 00:20:10,572 Sky are gonna be well pissed off with this. 248 00:20:12,090 --> 00:20:12,170 Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, 249 00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:25,970 It's mental how long this is. 250 00:20:25,970 --> 00:20:27,410 It's mental. 251 00:20:29,450 --> 00:20:32,190 (producer) It's the greatest rail journey in the world. 252 00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:35,430 Longest trip. Right, exactly. Exactly. 253 00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:37,650 You said greatest. It's not. It's the longest. 254 00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:41,970 They've sold something on the worst thing about it. 255 00:20:43,470 --> 00:20:46,130 Why do you want to do something the longest? 256 00:20:46,130 --> 00:20:50,450 Go to Tenerife on the longest flight. You wouldn't do that. 257 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,930 I wanna get there, see it and go home again. 258 00:20:52,930 --> 00:20:56,690 You're missing the point, Karl. I'm not missing the point. 259 00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:58,930 It goes a third of the length of the world. 260 00:20:58,930 --> 00:21:02,570 I know. Again, it's madness. If you're going that distance, 261 00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:06,010 get on a plane. We've moved on. It's 2011. 262 00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,110 No one questions anyone when they say, 263 00:21:10,110 --> 00:21:12,250 "What do you wanna do before you die?" 264 00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:16,470 "Go on the longest train journey." It's never followed up with, "What?" 265 00:21:16,470 --> 00:21:19,250 "What do you wanna do that for, you knob?" 266 00:21:21,010 --> 00:21:23,170 (ringing tone) 267 00:21:25,490 --> 00:21:30,010 A little bit, yeah. I've still got this sore throat annoying me a bit. 268 00:21:30,010 --> 00:21:33,030 But a little bit bored. Not much to do. 269 00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:57,550 I'm up for that. It's alright. Someone to talk to. 270 00:22:06,250 --> 00:22:08,610 Hello? Mikael? How are you doing? 271 00:22:09,810 --> 00:22:13,170 So you're a human magnet. (speaks Russian) 272 00:22:16,530 --> 00:22:22,250 So tacky. They're not even special or anything. 273 00:22:23,030 --> 00:22:25,170 What is going on? I've never heard of such a thing. 274 00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:30,370 I don't know what use it is. Looks a bit ridiculous like that. 275 00:22:30,370 --> 00:22:34,130 I mean cutlery drawers are next to nowt. You can get one for two quid. 276 00:22:39,770 --> 00:22:41,670 Magnet man. Magnet man. 277 00:22:43,390 --> 00:22:47,110 (interpreter) His children are magnetic. What? 278 00:22:47,110 --> 00:22:50,450 That's a normal family photo, innit? Look at that. 279 00:22:52,710 --> 00:22:56,370 Handy when out shopping, when you go food shopping. 280 00:22:56,370 --> 00:23:00,530 Carrier bags these days are really weak. Very thin. 281 00:23:04,190 --> 00:23:07,010 What about that? Can you do that? Hands-free? 282 00:23:09,330 --> 00:23:11,430 Can you stick it on your head? 283 00:23:11,430 --> 00:23:14,150 No. Let go. That's where that would be useful. 284 00:23:16,850 --> 00:23:20,450 If you could walk around chatting. 285 00:23:27,810 --> 00:23:30,590 I think an accident's gonna happen. Best if I get out 286 00:23:30,590 --> 00:23:33,430 cos he's getting heavy stuff. It's getting silly. 287 00:23:40,990 --> 00:23:46,410 Can't think of anything where you would go, "Brilliant, I'm a magnet." 288 00:23:48,650 --> 00:23:51,050 What super power would you like though? 289 00:23:51,050 --> 00:23:56,110 I came up with one. I'd be Bullshit Man. 290 00:23:56,110 --> 00:24:00,370 There are so many meetings where you know people are bullshitting. 291 00:24:00,370 --> 00:24:03,310 I'd just like to walk in, I wouldn't need a special costume, 292 00:24:03,310 --> 00:24:07,610 just dress like this. And I'd fly in and I'd go, "Bullshit." 293 00:24:07,610 --> 00:24:09,790 "You're talking bullshit." And they'd go, 294 00:24:09,790 --> 00:24:11,830 "Oh, fuck, it's Bullshit Man." And I go, 295 00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:14,150 "Yeah, it is Bullshit Man. You're talking bullshit." 296 00:24:14,150 --> 00:24:16,590 And eventually people will stop talking shit. 297 00:24:16,590 --> 00:24:19,410 Anything that's going on in the world, a bloke selling a car, 298 00:24:19,410 --> 00:24:22,290 you know, it's knackered, he'd say, "Great runner, this." 299 00:24:44,370 --> 00:24:46,690 I can't imagine Russians being into therapy. 300 00:24:46,690 --> 00:24:51,890 It's a bit soft. It's a soft thing to do when people have to do that. 301 00:24:51,890 --> 00:24:56,090 Russians are really hard. I thought they'd think it's a load of bollocks. 302 00:24:59,370 --> 00:25:00,530 What are you doing? 303 00:25:02,670 --> 00:25:03,850 Digging. 304 00:25:05,290 --> 00:25:09,530 Fuckin' hell. There's nowhere easier than this? 305 00:25:22,210 --> 00:25:25,970 How long did that take? What time did you start? 306 00:25:28,350 --> 00:25:29,890 That'll be big enough, won't it? 307 00:25:31,730 --> 00:25:32,870 It's my size. 308 00:25:34,610 --> 00:25:37,650 Sometimes you're better off not asking questions. 309 00:25:44,370 --> 00:25:47,390 I've kind of worked it out. I'm digging me own grave. 310 00:25:51,410 --> 00:25:55,070 Is it... Is it full body? 311 00:25:56,690 --> 00:25:58,130 So your head's under? 312 00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:02,890 What do you mean? How do you breathe? 313 00:26:07,090 --> 00:26:09,550 There's no rules. There's no rules here. 314 00:26:09,550 --> 00:26:12,850 This Russia. They haven't got rules in day-to-day life, have they? 315 00:26:12,850 --> 00:26:15,410 Do what you want here. Nuttersville. 316 00:26:21,170 --> 00:26:22,450 (imitates bleeping) 317 00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:24,790 There's no proper system. So what do you do? 318 00:26:27,410 --> 00:26:30,890 What, three? Two? Do what you want. Hang on a minute. 319 00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:34,170 Let's have a system here if it goes tits up. 320 00:26:34,170 --> 00:26:37,490 That's what I mean. Honestly, just leave me hands out is the best thing. 321 00:26:37,490 --> 00:26:40,430 You can cover me head, if you want. Cover the head and go like that. 322 00:26:40,430 --> 00:26:43,250 And that means get me out. Hi, Steve, it's Karl. 323 00:26:43,250 --> 00:26:45,230 Erm, can you give us a call when you get this 324 00:26:45,230 --> 00:26:48,730 cos I'm just at that thing you set up. Me being buried alive. 325 00:26:49,490 --> 00:26:52,490 I don't know if you know what it is but they cover you totally. 326 00:26:52,490 --> 00:26:55,250 I thought they left your head out or something. 327 00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:58,750 But they wanna cover me up. Call me back as soon as you get this. 328 00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:03,630 Ricky, it's Karl. I've just left a message on Steve's phone. 329 00:27:03,630 --> 00:27:06,770 I'm at the burial thing that I'm having done. 330 00:27:06,770 --> 00:27:09,950 Being buried alive. I'm not that happy about it. 331 00:27:09,950 --> 00:27:12,530 It's bloody barmy, if I'm being honest with you. 332 00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:16,370 I don't know if you know what it is. If you get this can you call me. 333 00:27:16,370 --> 00:27:21,330 Just so you know what it is and if you're... Just give us a call. 334 00:27:22,350 --> 00:27:25,810 If it's quiet me brain is always against me. 335 00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:29,170 Me brain is never on my side. Me brain will make me panic. 336 00:27:29,170 --> 00:27:31,570 It'll be going, "What are you doing? There's worms in here." 337 00:27:31,570 --> 00:27:34,610 "You could die here. Are they still up at the top?" 338 00:27:34,610 --> 00:27:37,010 You know, all that and me brain's against me. 339 00:27:37,010 --> 00:27:38,930 So I need to distract it with something else. 340 00:27:38,930 --> 00:27:42,410 Give it some music to listen to. And it'll be happy. 341 00:27:49,310 --> 00:27:51,410 Let's give it a go then. 342 00:28:00,050 --> 00:28:03,890 I'm just gonna listen to some music. Acker Bilk. Stranger On The Shore. 343 00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:06,410 It always calms me down. Let's do it. 344 00:28:09,330 --> 00:28:12,530 Hang on. I haven't got a pipe. 345 00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:36,050 What's it like down there, Karl? 346 00:29:13,010 --> 00:29:15,107 . 347 00:29:15,107 --> 00:29:15,347 Just so you know what it is and if you're... Just give us a call. 348 00:29:16,687 --> 00:29:18,607 (ringing tone) 349 00:29:20,067 --> 00:29:22,727 Alright, mate, how's it going? 350 00:29:24,547 --> 00:29:26,587 I did that thing yesterday. Got buried alive. Cheers for that. 351 00:29:28,407 --> 00:29:32,047 What? Being buried alive and having a hosepipe stuck in your mouth? 352 00:29:36,827 --> 00:29:39,887 since I've been here. What does that tell you about Russia? 353 00:30:06,127 --> 00:30:08,367 (whistling) 354 00:30:11,407 --> 00:30:13,227 Is this me lift? 355 00:30:14,927 --> 00:30:17,047 I'm not good on horses. 356 00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:23,427 Take me time. Slowly. 357 00:30:23,427 --> 00:30:24,587 Hey! 358 00:30:24,867 --> 00:30:26,787 No rush. 359 00:30:28,207 --> 00:30:31,727 That's it. Even slower if you want. 360 00:30:31,827 --> 00:30:34,767 Trans-Siberian. 361 00:30:37,327 --> 00:30:40,147 You must have balls like leather. 362 00:30:40,147 --> 00:30:43,607 Hard. Hard skin, like your boots. 363 00:30:44,187 --> 00:30:46,127 Bollocks. 364 00:30:46,127 --> 00:30:51,247 I'm with you to do some sport. 365 00:30:53,487 --> 00:30:55,407 That's your house? 366 00:30:56,527 --> 00:30:58,607 You've got a satellite dish? 367 00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:00,927 You've got satellite TV? You've got Sky? 368 00:31:04,607 --> 00:31:06,767 Why are they showing me a picture of a wrestler? 369 00:31:06,847 --> 00:31:09,007 (speaks Mongolian) 370 00:31:13,007 --> 00:31:15,487 Why? Why me? 371 00:31:20,267 --> 00:31:24,087 I have an injury. Driving? Weak wrist. 372 00:31:29,647 --> 00:31:35,087 But I don't think I will win. So you're gonna be disappointed. 373 00:31:39,267 --> 00:31:44,587 I don't win. You'll get no money. No prize. Then what? 374 00:31:56,847 --> 00:31:57,967 They seemed really friendly. 375 00:31:59,447 --> 00:32:02,187 Course they're friendly. They want me to wrestle for them. 376 00:32:02,187 --> 00:32:06,767 He said he's got a damaged head. He said it was a motorcycle accident. 377 00:32:06,767 --> 00:32:09,527 Where's the motorbike? No motorbike here. 378 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,087 He's done that wrestling. But he didn't wanna tell me 379 00:32:12,087 --> 00:32:15,607 cos it'll worry me. Motorbike accident... 380 00:32:15,607 --> 00:32:18,307 I haven't seen anyone on a motorbike. He's on a horse! 381 00:32:22,227 --> 00:32:25,307 I think your outfit's arrived for tomorrow. 382 00:32:33,487 --> 00:32:36,787 I'm leaving me underpants on. 383 00:32:41,967 --> 00:32:45,027 They're all wearing 'em. They're not wearing 'em. 384 00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:51,327 I'm not happy with this. The fight was one thing. 385 00:32:51,327 --> 00:32:54,447 Looking like this, I'm gonna get battered. 386 00:32:54,447 --> 00:32:58,127 It's degrading. You got the top on right? 387 00:32:58,127 --> 00:33:02,367 I don't know. I've no idea. It's not the sort of thing I normally wear, 388 00:33:02,367 --> 00:33:05,967 if I'm honest. So I don't know if I've got it right or not. Sorry. 389 00:33:06,687 --> 00:33:09,807 It feels too small. It's like a small cardigan. 390 00:33:09,807 --> 00:33:13,827 Are you sure we haven't got one of the kid's clothes mixed up with this? 391 00:33:13,827 --> 00:33:17,167 I look gormless in my shadow. I've never had that. 392 00:33:17,167 --> 00:33:21,487 I've never seen me shadow and thought, "What a div I look." 393 00:33:25,427 --> 00:33:28,847 (whistling) 394 00:33:48,287 --> 00:33:49,587 Oh shit. 395 00:33:49,587 --> 00:33:52,027 Hang on, why haven't you got these clothes on? 396 00:33:52,027 --> 00:33:54,287 Why am I wearing this and you have this on? 397 00:33:56,647 --> 00:33:58,947 (onlookers laugh) 398 00:34:01,327 --> 00:34:04,367 (male vocalises) 399 00:34:13,647 --> 00:34:17,147 (tries to imitate the sound) 400 00:34:20,347 --> 00:34:22,767 (laughter/applause) 401 00:34:25,847 --> 00:34:29,587 (plays the Mongolian morin khuur/sings) 402 00:34:34,647 --> 00:34:36,367 (vocalises) 403 00:35:03,147 --> 00:35:05,167 Are you ready for the fight today? 404 00:35:05,167 --> 00:35:09,347 Yeah. Thought I'd get it done. Get it over with. 405 00:35:09,347 --> 00:35:11,887 We all know the result here. People at home aren't gonna be... 406 00:35:16,527 --> 00:35:20,047 What a mix this is. I could go into a jumble sale blindfolded 407 00:35:20,047 --> 00:35:22,927 and pick up random stuff and get a better mix than this. 408 00:35:22,927 --> 00:35:26,927 What is this? What sort of look is this? 409 00:35:26,927 --> 00:35:29,707 It's their national dress. I've never seen it. 410 00:35:29,707 --> 00:35:34,327 I've watched Mr Benn as a kid. He travelled all across the world. 411 00:35:43,367 --> 00:35:45,787 (dogs bark) 412 00:35:45,787 --> 00:35:49,807 Sun's come out. Yeah, I was hoping for it to rain. 413 00:36:00,027 --> 00:36:02,767 Look at the size of the people behind me. 414 00:36:02,767 --> 00:36:07,047 I'm gonna get battered. I've had about 40 minutes' training. 415 00:36:07,047 --> 00:36:09,407 I tell you, you'd better have that camera running 416 00:36:09,407 --> 00:36:12,367 cos it's gonna be over in a flash. You'll have to slow it down. 417 00:36:12,367 --> 00:36:15,007 There's not gonna be highlights. Or bad bits or good bits. 418 00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:18,187 It's gonna just be, bang, like that. Quicker than a bungee jump. 419 00:36:23,907 --> 00:36:25,207 Here we go. 420 00:36:58,087 --> 00:37:00,127 (crowd laughs) 421 00:37:02,127 --> 00:37:06,507 Let's go back and train. Waste of time. I told you that'd happen. 422 00:37:07,447 --> 00:37:08,527 Sorry about that. 423 00:37:14,447 --> 00:37:18,347 This is a bit annoying. Look at this map. 424 00:37:18,347 --> 00:37:22,907 We started off in Moscow. Steve said just go to Mongolia. 425 00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:25,407 You're passing so go and do the sport thing. 426 00:37:25,407 --> 00:37:29,327 Done that. We're still on that same line which means this train 427 00:37:29,327 --> 00:37:32,527 is going to Beijing. That's where I've been. Did that last time 428 00:37:32,527 --> 00:37:36,847 and I saw the Great Wall. Didn't like it. They know I didn't like it. 429 00:37:36,847 --> 00:37:39,087 I don't know why I'm going back there. 430 00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:42,627 (ringing tone) 431 00:37:43,847 --> 00:37:44,927 Alright? 432 00:37:47,407 --> 00:37:49,327 Er, the Mongols are alright. 433 00:37:49,327 --> 00:37:51,467 I haven't got any problems with any Mongols. 434 00:37:51,467 --> 00:37:54,667 Anyway, I'm calling you because I've been looking at the map, right, 435 00:37:54,667 --> 00:37:57,867 this train's not going across Russia. It's heading to Beijing. 436 00:37:57,867 --> 00:38:00,947 I've been there. I told you I hated it. I said, China dreadful. 437 00:38:27,007 --> 00:38:30,927 Alright. I can do what I want, can I? 438 00:38:34,827 --> 00:38:39,027 The last time I came here, when I saw the Great Wall, 439 00:38:39,027 --> 00:38:43,207 I didn't really enjoy it, did I? And I got back and told a mate, 440 00:38:46,607 --> 00:38:51,827 I was gutted I never came here. All this way and I never saw it. 441 00:38:51,827 --> 00:38:55,767 So it's weird in a way that I've had a second chance. 442 00:38:57,367 --> 00:39:03,507 I think it's in keeping with what we've been doing, travel programme. 443 00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:05,807 Showing you the world, how others live. 444 00:39:07,667 --> 00:39:11,127 (they all greet him) Hi. 445 00:39:11,127 --> 00:39:18,607 This is it. It's Dwarf Village. It's like this little town they set up. 446 00:39:18,607 --> 00:39:21,967 Dwarves used to get a hard time or something in China 447 00:39:21,967 --> 00:39:24,527 so they set this up. A place where they live and work. 448 00:39:24,527 --> 00:39:27,387 They've made it for themselves. Everything they want. 449 00:39:27,387 --> 00:39:31,727 It's made for being a dwarf. It's ideal. 450 00:39:37,807 --> 00:39:40,267 Look at the skill of this. 451 00:39:40,267 --> 00:39:42,907 He's doing a little bit of woodwork. 452 00:39:44,527 --> 00:39:46,467 It's amazing. 453 00:39:46,927 --> 00:39:50,287 That... that's not crap, is it? 454 00:39:52,047 --> 00:39:56,227 It's all sort of miniature but it's really cosy. 455 00:39:58,447 --> 00:40:00,927 You can show me round one of your houses. 456 00:40:04,247 --> 00:40:07,567 Just slow down a little bit. Just hang on a minute. 457 00:40:08,847 --> 00:40:10,567 Hang on. 458 00:40:11,127 --> 00:40:13,487 (giggling from inside) 459 00:40:13,587 --> 00:40:16,527 You're not meant to laugh. Too small for you! 460 00:40:16,527 --> 00:40:18,607 I am looking for something a bit bigger. 461 00:40:18,607 --> 00:40:20,907 Am I the biggest man who's ever been in here? 462 00:40:20,907 --> 00:40:24,807 It's good, innit? Too small. 463 00:40:24,807 --> 00:40:29,167 Do you know any dwarves? Yeah, I know one. 464 00:40:29,167 --> 00:40:31,407 I know a little dwarf. He's a mate of Ricky's. 465 00:40:31,407 --> 00:40:34,447 I don't know what he'd think of this. He's always playing roles 466 00:40:34,447 --> 00:40:38,287 as, like, elves and Santa's little helper and all that. 467 00:40:38,287 --> 00:40:42,387 So at the end of the day what's the difference? 468 00:40:42,387 --> 00:40:45,967 At least here they work every day. Two pm. Showing seven days a week. 469 00:40:45,967 --> 00:40:50,767 They're busy at Christmas. What else do they do the rest of the year? 470 00:40:50,767 --> 00:40:54,747 There he is. Sat on a shelf. His name's Warwick. 471 00:40:58,447 --> 00:41:00,227 (ringing tone) 472 00:41:01,327 --> 00:41:02,767 Is that Warwick? 473 00:41:04,227 --> 00:41:06,047 It's Karl. Ricky's mate. 474 00:41:07,967 --> 00:41:12,847 I'm just in China. I'm looking at a dwarf village. 475 00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:15,547 And I wanted to run the whole sort of concept by you 476 00:41:15,547 --> 00:41:18,127 because I know that people at home get a bit funny about, 477 00:41:18,127 --> 00:41:21,307 "Oh, you shouldn't be having a little dwarf village and all that." 478 00:41:21,307 --> 00:41:24,727 It's really good. The people in there are dead happy. 479 00:41:24,727 --> 00:41:28,707 Nice little show they put on. And I though, it sort of covers me 480 00:41:28,707 --> 00:41:30,727 if I speak to you and say, "I'm at a dwarf village," 481 00:41:30,727 --> 00:41:33,987 and you go, "Yeah, I've heard of that. It's nice." 482 00:41:33,987 --> 00:41:35,747 "Good on ya." 483 00:41:38,327 --> 00:41:39,567 Why not? 484 00:41:53,807 --> 00:41:59,467 Well, yeah, I did. And there is like little blokes in little funny outfits 485 00:41:59,467 --> 00:42:02,347 and all that, and you do sort of smile. 486 00:42:02,347 --> 00:42:05,327 But they're smiling. I think it's alright, innit? 487 00:42:10,447 --> 00:42:12,067 Yeah, there's a king. 488 00:42:13,887 --> 00:42:15,107 Course he is. 489 00:42:17,907 --> 00:42:21,527 No, he was the head man. He was at the top. 490 00:42:21,527 --> 00:42:24,207 He had a little cloak on and a crown and shades on. 491 00:42:31,427 --> 00:42:32,127 It's not. 492 00:42:32,987 --> 00:42:35,647 You haven't been. This is what annoys me with people... 493 00:42:35,647 --> 00:42:39,247 I'm in the thick of it here. I'm stood by their houses. 494 00:42:39,247 --> 00:42:41,167 They're all happy. There's a woman who I met 495 00:42:41,167 --> 00:42:44,307 who's a little dwarf. She's only been here four months. 496 00:42:44,307 --> 00:42:46,567 She's already got her own mushroom to live in. 497 00:42:50,427 --> 00:42:53,527 Hang on a minute. You're being all on your high horse and all that. 498 00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:56,807 The picture I've shown of you on the telly so people knew who you were, 499 00:42:56,807 --> 00:42:58,507 you were sat on a shelf. 500 00:43:02,607 --> 00:43:05,967 So if all your work dries up, they're not making another Star Wars, 501 00:43:05,967 --> 00:43:09,367 you can't dress up as a little monkey, no money coming in, 502 00:43:09,367 --> 00:43:11,887 you wouldn't think about coming here then?