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NARRATOR: Marco Polo,
one of the world's greatest explorers.
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In the 13th century, he embarked
on an epic journey from Venice to China
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that took over three years to complete.
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Now Ricky Gervais is sending
his mate Karl Pilkington
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to follow in his footsteps.
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But this time he's got a little company.
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Will you stop
just puffing and panting like that?
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KARL: Jesus Christ!
It's like a Primark sale.
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He said if he did it again,
he'd want some company this time.
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He meant me,
but I've sent someone in my place.
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KARL: Grab hold of that bit.
I can't see.
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RICKY: They are like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.
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He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.
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RICKY: He says he doesn't want
adventure. He doesn't want stress.
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I'm just not a good swimmer.
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Once you're in, it'll be fine.
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Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.
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Tease the camera, tease the camera!
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Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.
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It's not the night for this, is it?
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- Warwick, you'll have to do it.
- I'm not doing it.
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RICKY: They're gonna have
the adventure of their lifetime
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whether they like it or not.
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KARL: Whoa.
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Mate.
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Thank you for signing up
for another adventure.
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You're gonna take the Marco Polo route.
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He started it all off. One of the most
famous explorers of all time.
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And he went from Venice
through Europe, Asia,
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and you're gonna end up in China.
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I remember telling you
when Dick Whittington walked to London,
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that he had a cat with him, his cat.
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And you went, "Why take a cat, right?
Take a little mate."
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I didn't mean a little mate.
I meant take a mate.
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Take someone who can help you,
bring something with them.
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Oh, hang on. Whoa!
So what are you saying?
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That I'm not gonna bring
anything to the party here?
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I've never seen a dwarf
go on a round-the-world trip
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on any programme.
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Ranulph Fiennes,
or whatever his name is,
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when he climbed Everest,
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he didn't say,
"Here's me little mate I brought."
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If we're being honest, though...
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Karl, what's his height
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- got to do with it?
- Yeah.
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I just think
you're gonna be a hindrance.
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RICKY: Oh, this is really bad.
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Normally, when I've done
these things in the past,
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all I've had to do
is worry about meself.
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Yeah.
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I don't have that many mates,
I don't think I need them.
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And maybe that's part
of what's worrying me,
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that you're like a little sort of limpet
hanging on, dragging me back.
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- That's how it feels.
- Limpet?
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Well, that's...
something that's just clinging on,
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a stag beetle, a leech,
taking from me...
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Yeah, not a limpet.
That would be insulting.
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A stag beetle or a leech, he means.
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A leech sucking me blood,
taking me energy because you're going,
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"Can you carry this?
Can you carry that?"
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- I'll be fine.
- It's not fine.
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I tell you what,
I want that little bit on me phone
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with you going, "I'll be fine,"
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so that when you're shitting out a lung,
I can go, "Remember that?"
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"I'll be fine."
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That's what worries me,
he hasn't got a clue.
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It's not all luxury.
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- It'll be fine, honestly.
- It won't be fine.
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WARWICK: Marco Polo,
this is where he was from.
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This is where he started it.
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Just think how old all this stuff is.
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KARL: You'd soon get sick of it,
though, wouldn't you?
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It's a town made for mermaids.
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Do you know what I mean?
It's just hassle.
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Yeah, but if you lived here,
it wouldn't be a hassle
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'cause it's part of your life.
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And you realise, when you want
to get from there to there,
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you either jump on a gondola
or you walk up to a bridge and cross.
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Yeah, I think we've moved on,
haven't we?
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The time when we walked out the water,
we stopped swimming about.
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We were fish, weren't we,
millions of years ago?
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WARWICK: We weren't fish.
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KARL: We were some sort of
swimming grub-type thing.
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And it grew up into people.
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Now, I don't know how old this place is,
but it suited us more back then.
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It doesn't work, living like this.
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- Of course it works.
- It doesn't work, living on water.
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This city has been here
for hundreds of years.
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KARL: Where are we going?
WARWICK: Just keep going straight.
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I've got no option. I'm like Pac-Man.
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(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
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KARL: It's like a fire alarm's gone off,
and everyone's just hanging about.
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WARWICK: They've come to see this,
St Mark's square.
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- It's beautiful.
- Never heard of it.
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1600s, right, this was the centre
for culture and entertainment in Europe.
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You can just feel the energy.
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WARWICK: It's interesting
how the human body was represented.
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KARL: The body hasn't changed, has it,
from how it was then.
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It's just that
they were probably more tanned
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'cause they all walked about
with their tackle out.
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If you're walking about
with next to nowt on all the time,
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you're gonna make an effort
to have a six-pack.
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I've got a T-shirt on,
so I'm not bothered.
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No one's got any pets.
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- Why do you think there should be pets?
- Just to cheer it up a bit.
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If there was
a fat ginger cat sat in the corner,
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it would take the edge off
someone being clubbed to death.
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This is the stuff memories are made of.
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Oh, hey!
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- That's good, isn't it?
- Jesus Christ!
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(WARWICK LAUGHS)
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KARL: I'll tell you,
that is gonna get right on me tits
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if he continues
this touristy thing he's doing.
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He's treating it like a holiday.
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It's not how Marco Polo did it.
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He wasn't stopping every five minutes
feeding pigeons.
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He was an explorer.
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He's pissed off over there buying
ice cream or postcards or something.
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He's left me with his bag.
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Fucking ice cream.
It's gonna take forever, isn't it?
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This, getting all the way to China.
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I got you an ice cream.
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It's melted a bit. It was a long way.
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- Do you like vanilla?
- Yeah, I like vanilla, yeah.
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- We can't keep doing this, though.
- What?
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Sort of wandering about
taking pictures and that.
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'Cause it's not me, this.
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Yeah, but I'm trying to open your mind
and open your eyes a bit
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to appreciate where we are
and what we're doing.
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So we do the pigeons,
we get ice cream, Italian ice cream...
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I don't need to do the pigeons.
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I've never heard anyone say,
"I'm going to Venice."
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"What for?"
"To do the pigeons."
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We've got them in Trafalgar Square.
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WARWICK: Now I'm starting
to think I'm here
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with the wrong person, to be honest.
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I'm not moaning on purpose, it's just...
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No, I know.
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And you weren't to know,
but I don't like this sort of setup.
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I mean, what's a lion doing up there
with wings on?
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If that was done today,
you'd go, "What's that shit?"
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(SIGHS)
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- Excellent, lovely.
- Thank you.
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With the rose petals.
What a lovely room.
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It's like going away with a girlfriend
for the first time or something.
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You're suddenly, "This is it.
I'm with her all the time."
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It's when you find out what people,
sort of, are like,
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the little downfalls, the little
irritating things that they do.
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Everything's exaggerated.
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That's why honeymoons shouldn't be
after the wedding.
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You should do it before it
and find out if you like each other.
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(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
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DIRECTOR: Are you looking forward
to today?
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Yeah. I've got some fun things
I want to do.
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I also want to show Karl
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the idea of the masked ball
and all of that sort of thing.
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It's a tradition that goes back years,
and it gave people anonymity
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and they could actually sort of live out
their alter egos behind these masks.
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And even nuns and priests would do it,
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and so they could get away with things
they couldn't normally get away with,
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which I think is quite interesting.
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This is it here.
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- Fancy dress.
- There you go.
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KARL: Dressing up.
WARWICK: Masks.
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So, choose your character.
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- Oh, I hate this sort of thing.
- Why?
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'Cause it's really forced fun.
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The idea is, right, people never had
any sort of anonymity.
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So to give them that,
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they would wear the mask
and they could become somebody else,
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another persona.
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Everyone did this?
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Everybody did it.
Everyone got involved.
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Look at that.
Hats look good on me, don't they?
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That actually doesn't do a lot for you,
that one, to be honest.
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Hang on, they knew you were coming.
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(KARL LAUGHING)
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Now that's funny, that's cheered me up.
That's you wearing it, not me.
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That suits you,
it totally changes you. Honestly.
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WARWICK: I want to find the one
that's like the plague doctor.
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He had a huge nose.
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So the doctor would wear
something like that?
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Well, yeah.
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So you go in for a serious check-up,
and he comes out...
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- I don't know whether he's doing that...
- Hi, Mr Davis, listen.
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You've got cancer of the bollocks.
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I don't want bad news
from someone like this.
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It's cheered me up though, hasn't it?
I don't feel so bad about that now.
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SHOP OWNER: Hello, good morning.
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WARWICK: It's a lovely shop
you have here.
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Oh, thank you.
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We are going
to a masquerade ball tonight
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and we need to have
the appropriate outfits.
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00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:07,319
Sure. This is more simple, more silent.
195
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,479
Or this one is nice, too, this joker.
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- This is great, this.
- Yes.
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Let's just see if it fits.
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00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:20,046
Don't try and wear it like a smart suit.
You've gotta wear it as the character.
199
00:10:20,127 --> 00:10:21,958
You're not holding it right now, Karl.
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But that's what I'm comfortable with.
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I'm not comfortable when I play
all the characters that I play.
202
00:10:26,007 --> 00:10:27,884
You keep mentioning that
as if you've done loads of stuff
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00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:31,755
like Shakespeare.
You dressed up as a bear in Star Wars
204
00:10:31,847 --> 00:10:34,520
and a green gnome in something else
that you always go on about.
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00:10:34,607 --> 00:10:36,438
Hang on. Okay, think about the bear
in Star Wars.
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Again, it's a type
of masquerade, isn't it?
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I was hidden in there and I could
fully explore the character of the Ewok.
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This is when it gets silly, now.
I was happy with the jacket.
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That's ruined it
as far as I'm concerned.
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I look like a sperm.
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Do you prefer Pierrot?
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- And what mask would I wear?
- The white and black.
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And what does that say to people?
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The message is the dreamer man.
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00:11:02,407 --> 00:11:04,523
Dreaming? That's more me.
216
00:11:04,607 --> 00:11:07,167
- That's more me. Yeah.
- Yeah.
217
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,165
You look a bit sad.
218
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Well, I am, you see.
That's the thing, you can't tell.
219
00:11:18,247 --> 00:11:21,444
But hold your body just...
Sympathy, get the sympathy of the lady.
220
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:23,677
- Oh, fucking hell.
- No, not "oh, fucking hell," just...
221
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:27,123
- Jesus, fucking watch it.
- No, that's annoyed.
222
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Just be sympathetically sad.
223
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Just... (SIGHS)
224
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:32,320
- A little bit...
- Yeah, look.
225
00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:34,443
Oh, your head to one side...
226
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:36,636
Good today.
227
00:11:36,727 --> 00:11:38,126
What are you going as?
228
00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:39,845
Casanova.
229
00:11:40,527 --> 00:11:41,676
- Casanova?
- Yeah.
230
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,327
- For you?
- Thank you, yeah.
231
00:11:45,407 --> 00:11:47,284
This is dangerous, I can hardly see.
232
00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:51,280
I'm in a city where it's like 90%% % water.
I'm in a canal.
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00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:57,246
Okay.
234
00:11:58,687 --> 00:12:00,962
Oh, there you are. That.
235
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:05,158
SHOP OWNER: And the hat.
236
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:10,045
Yeah, but you gotta keep that up
all night walking around like that.
237
00:12:10,127 --> 00:12:12,402
Stand aside, peasant.
238
00:12:12,487 --> 00:12:14,637
Well, I can't deal with this.
You've been doing me head in already
239
00:12:14,727 --> 00:12:16,922
without you walking around
swanning about like this.
240
00:12:17,007 --> 00:12:19,441
Honestly. I'm not having
a full night of that.
241
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:21,085
Look at it, though.
242
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,839
I know, look at it.
243
00:12:22,927 --> 00:12:25,919
Madame, may I have this dance?
244
00:12:26,007 --> 00:12:27,918
Definitely not.
245
00:12:35,607 --> 00:12:37,802
DIRECTOR: Are you
looking forward to the party?
246
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,004
No, not really. I'm being honest.
247
00:12:42,927 --> 00:12:44,360
Not at all.
248
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:46,759
It's what Warwick wants though,
isn't it?
249
00:12:48,487 --> 00:12:53,163
I don't know, it seems, you know,
what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.
250
00:12:53,247 --> 00:12:56,398
This is just a lot of arsing about.
251
00:12:56,487 --> 00:13:00,799
I don't want to be someone else.
I've been me for 39 years.
252
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,563
What's the point
of having a night off from me?
253
00:13:03,647 --> 00:13:05,000
I'm quite happy being me.
254
00:13:05,087 --> 00:13:07,601
Warwick's an actor, that's what he does.
255
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,236
Who is the real Warwick?
What does he like, really?
256
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:15,403
He's dressed up as a bear in Star Wars,
a green goblin in something else.
257
00:13:15,487 --> 00:13:17,398
Someone shouted Willow
at him the other day,
258
00:13:17,487 --> 00:13:18,715
I don't know what he played in that.
259
00:13:18,807 --> 00:13:21,321
You can guarantee
it's some sort of little troll
260
00:13:21,407 --> 00:13:23,159
under a bridge or something.
261
00:13:23,247 --> 00:13:24,839
I didn't know he was
in Hitchhiker's Guide.
262
00:13:24,927 --> 00:13:26,679
He was in that. I didn't know.
263
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:29,042
The way he goes on saying,
"Oh, yeah, people recognise me."
264
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:30,799
I did not know.
265
00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:32,843
He could have been in 3- 2-1
in that bin.
266
00:13:32,927 --> 00:13:34,883
I don't know.
I don't know what he's done.
267
00:13:34,967 --> 00:13:37,242
But the point is,
you never see his face.
268
00:13:37,327 --> 00:13:39,477
He keeps going on
as if he's a proper actor.
269
00:13:40,407 --> 00:13:42,796
Oliver Reed never dressed up
as a goblin.
270
00:13:43,807 --> 00:13:47,800
KARL: Get fed,
have a chat, and go home.
271
00:13:47,887 --> 00:13:49,445
WARWICK: You've never been
to a fancy dress party?
272
00:13:49,527 --> 00:13:50,755
No.
273
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:58,759
All we need is
a stag do on the next boat.
274
00:14:03,047 --> 00:14:06,119
What's this?
What did you do with the shoes?
275
00:14:06,207 --> 00:14:08,641
- It's fine, no one's looking at me feet.
- Of course they are.
276
00:14:08,727 --> 00:14:10,285
- Look at everything I'm wearing.
- It's ruining the look.
277
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,403
Who's gonna be looking at me feet
when we look like this?
278
00:14:12,487 --> 00:14:13,602
It stands out, though.
279
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,325
It doesn't. If I put that on there.
280
00:14:15,407 --> 00:14:16,726
It's not authentic now.
281
00:14:19,007 --> 00:14:20,998
WARWICK: Remember, dignity.
282
00:14:24,127 --> 00:14:26,243
Karl, give us a hand.
283
00:14:26,847 --> 00:14:28,326
Ooh! Whoa!
284
00:14:29,127 --> 00:14:30,719
Thank you.
285
00:14:34,527 --> 00:14:37,360
KARL: Unbelievable, unbelievable.
286
00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:38,802
Thank you very much.
287
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,756
WARWICK: Don't ruin it, all right?
With your attitude.
288
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:50,362
MAN: Gli ospiti, our guests.
289
00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:52,165
- KARL: You all right?
- That's your home.
290
00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:53,680
This is Warwick.
291
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,962
- How are you? Manuela.
- Madame.
292
00:14:57,407 --> 00:14:58,886
- Hello.
- Claudia.
293
00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:01,242
Hello, I'm the Dream Weaver.
294
00:15:02,247 --> 00:15:03,999
MAN: Salute.
KARL: Salud.
295
00:15:04,087 --> 00:15:07,079
So, how often do you dress up like this?
296
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,727
You don't ask like that.
297
00:15:09,807 --> 00:15:12,446
In character is what we're doing.
298
00:15:15,527 --> 00:15:19,281
- So, are you very different now?
- No, no, no.
299
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:22,245
Talk about the room and the food
300
00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:24,800
and the experience.
301
00:15:24,887 --> 00:15:29,802
Venetian people like to dress
and do some game
302
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:34,040
to seduce our victims so...
303
00:15:34,407 --> 00:15:38,559
- Like a lover.
- Yeah, it's you, it's like you.
304
00:15:39,287 --> 00:15:40,561
I don't know what's going on.
305
00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:44,764
It's just awkward,
it's like a horrible Come Dine with Me.
306
00:15:44,847 --> 00:15:46,838
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
307
00:15:49,527 --> 00:15:52,166
Listen to him laughing and all that,
having a good time in there.
308
00:15:52,247 --> 00:15:53,999
I tell you, I can't wait to find
something I want to do
309
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,076
that he's gonna hate.
310
00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:56,236
I'll say, "Remember, Warwick,
311
00:15:56,327 --> 00:15:57,646
"I dressed up as a knob
for you that night.
312
00:15:57,727 --> 00:15:59,922
"You do me a favour." (SIGHS)
313
00:16:00,007 --> 00:16:01,042
Isn't this your pride?
314
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,118
If she was a nun, she would have one.
315
00:16:03,207 --> 00:16:04,765
WOMAN: (LAUGHING) I'm not a nun!
316
00:16:04,847 --> 00:16:07,680
Maybe that's why you haven't got one.
317
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,802
No, I'm all right.
318
00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:11,196
I've had some pasta earlier,
I'm quite full.
319
00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:13,847
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
320
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:17,042
Um...
321
00:16:17,127 --> 00:16:19,595
- Cheers, yeah.
- WOMAN: Cheers.
322
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,201
I'll just have one drink
and then I'll probably get going
323
00:16:22,287 --> 00:16:24,881
'cause I have to be up early, so...
324
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:27,162
He might stay, but I'll be shooting off.
325
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:28,236
Mmm-hmm.
326
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:30,725
(PHONE RINGING)
327
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:34,640
- (RICKY SPEAKING)
- KARL: Hello.
328
00:16:34,887 --> 00:16:36,878
He's doing me head in.
329
00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:38,719
It's exactly what I said to you
at the start.
330
00:16:38,847 --> 00:16:40,280
He's treating it like a holiday.
331
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,962
He's got one of them little wig things
on like judges wear and a little outfit
332
00:16:44,047 --> 00:16:47,084
and we've got 5,000 miles to cover,
he's sat here having canapés.
333
00:16:51,647 --> 00:16:53,558
I don't know, to be honest.
I don't know what it is.
334
00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:55,842
I don't know what it's meant to be,
I've never seen it.
335
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,599
I don't know what he's dressed as.
336
00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:03,962
A red velvet jacket,
like a small Adam Ant.
337
00:17:04,047 --> 00:17:05,560
Imagine Adam Ant as a kid.
338
00:17:05,647 --> 00:17:07,603
(RICKY LAUGHING)
339
00:17:08,287 --> 00:17:11,199
You should see the looks we get.
I was on a gondola.
340
00:17:11,287 --> 00:17:14,120
People weren't looking
at the old buildings and all that.
341
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,198
They were going,
"What is going on there?
342
00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:18,323
"What is happening there?"
343
00:17:25,007 --> 00:17:26,759
(RICKY LAUGHING)
344
00:17:27,407 --> 00:17:29,398
(LAUGHING) Pretty Woman.
345
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:40,477
Maybe we can make a game.
346
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,803
An old-fashioned game? A Venetian...
347
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:45,878
Yeah, of course, old-fashioned.
348
00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:47,639
Casanova use it.
349
00:17:47,727 --> 00:17:49,365
WARWICK: Ah.
MANUELA: Yeah?
350
00:17:49,447 --> 00:17:51,119
The pleasure machine.
351
00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:54,961
Well, I don't know about this one.
More like Monopoly for me.
352
00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:56,844
Want to be the first?
353
00:17:56,927 --> 00:17:58,997
KARL: Well, it's his idea.
354
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:00,882
But he knows...
355
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:03,561
- He wanted to come to a party.
- Yeah?
356
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:06,207
So, Warwick, so it's your go.
Yeah, definitely.
357
00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:09,006
I just wanted to have a bit
of something to eat and drink.
358
00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:10,839
Warwick, come.
359
00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:13,005
Let's both go in together, then.
360
00:18:13,087 --> 00:18:14,156
We're doing the trip together,
361
00:18:14,247 --> 00:18:16,841
let's experience
the pleasure machine together.
362
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:18,963
WARWICK: That's a bit weird,
surely, isn't it?
363
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:22,198
I pray you, let's go in together
with Dream Weaver.
364
00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:25,199
- Put the band...
- Oh, yeah, that's...
365
00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:26,402
- Do you see me?
- No.
366
00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:31,117
Okay. So, give me your hand,
dance with me.
367
00:18:31,727 --> 00:18:33,638
Dance, don't worry.
368
00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:37,242
WARWICK: Karl, this is
sensory deprivation.
369
00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:38,806
KARL: So we both
went in the pleasure machine.
370
00:18:38,887 --> 00:18:39,876
It's not a machine.
371
00:18:40,607 --> 00:18:43,644
It was a changing room.
It was just a curtain.
372
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:46,719
MAN: Close, relax.
The machine's starting. Wait...
373
00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:49,596
No, it's my hat.
374
00:18:52,207 --> 00:18:55,483
KARL: Parlour games were invented
for people who aren't really friends.
375
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,797
You've got nothing to talk about
because you don't really know them.
376
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:03,521
At home we have charades, don't we?
Play Give Us a Clue or whatever.
377
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:05,882
If you get board game out,
it's 'cause the party's not going well.
378
00:19:11,007 --> 00:19:12,565
(WOMAN WHISPERING)
379
00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:14,205
(WOMAN SHUSHING)
380
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:18,800
KARL: Who heard of having
the garlic and the cheese and stuff?
381
00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:19,922
It was rank
382
00:19:20,007 --> 00:19:23,602
having someone sort of
breathing in me face, a stranger,
383
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:25,962
a smelly stranger,
breathing in me face.
384
00:19:26,047 --> 00:19:28,720
I was thinking,
it's a pleasure machine.
385
00:19:28,807 --> 00:19:30,126
Where's the pleasure?
386
00:19:41,807 --> 00:19:43,923
KARL: I'm gonna have a walk.
387
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:47,440
Right, I reckon we gotta get going.
388
00:19:49,407 --> 00:19:50,965
I don't like it, I don't like it at all.
389
00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:53,003
- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- I've experienced it.
390
00:19:53,807 --> 00:19:55,160
What are you having done?
391
00:19:55,247 --> 00:19:57,124
I don't know what
he was having played with,
392
00:19:57,207 --> 00:19:59,437
what he was having pleasured,
393
00:19:59,527 --> 00:20:02,405
but he definitely wasn't
in a rush to get out.
394
00:20:03,407 --> 00:20:05,398
- Relax.
- I am relaxed.
395
00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:07,398
- WOMAN: Is this good? Touch it.
- No, I've had enough now.
396
00:20:07,487 --> 00:20:09,955
- Touch it, touch it.
- I don't know what you're saying touch.
397
00:20:10,047 --> 00:20:11,162
It's my hand.
398
00:20:11,247 --> 00:20:12,999
- Just look after him.
- No, no.
399
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,282
- I'll see you later.
- Karl?
400
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:21,964
Fucking machine.
What a load of nonsense.
401
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:24,445
- WARWICK: What's that?
- (BUZZING)
402
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:25,676
(GROANS)
403
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,281
There's a lot of hands. Jesus.
404
00:20:29,007 --> 00:20:30,156
No.
405
00:20:43,847 --> 00:20:46,600
I'm just having my bit of fun for today.
406
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,558
Warwick did
what he wanted to do last night.
407
00:20:49,647 --> 00:20:52,445
- Hang on a minute.
- Getting fondled and all that lot.
408
00:20:52,527 --> 00:20:54,358
That was his wish.
409
00:20:54,447 --> 00:20:59,282
So today I'm just having a go
on like a jet pack.
410
00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:02,120
Seen it on the Internet.
Wear it on your back,
411
00:21:02,207 --> 00:21:03,720
you whiz along the sea.
412
00:21:03,807 --> 00:21:06,116
It sort of uses the sea
to push you in the air.
413
00:21:06,207 --> 00:21:09,085
It's like a superpower,
closest thing to flying.
414
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,123
The problem with Venice is
it's stuck in its ways.
415
00:21:11,207 --> 00:21:14,756
It's very old-fashioned,
the art, the buildings.
416
00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:17,718
Whereas a jet pack is ideal.
417
00:21:17,807 --> 00:21:21,641
A water jet pack here,
I don't know why they haven't used them.
418
00:21:21,727 --> 00:21:23,877
They're still messing about in gondolas.
419
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:25,286
It's not practical.
420
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:28,837
That's what this is about, isn't it?
Showing the kids at home the future.
421
00:21:30,487 --> 00:21:31,761
WARWICK: Look at that.
422
00:21:31,847 --> 00:21:34,486
It's James Bond, isn't it? Wow.
423
00:21:35,727 --> 00:21:37,877
You're gonna be strapped
to that in a minute,
424
00:21:37,967 --> 00:21:40,435
flying high above the lagoon.
425
00:21:40,527 --> 00:21:43,758
KARL: It's not quite
what I thought it was.
426
00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,486
WARWICK: This is really cool,
I'm excited about this now.
427
00:21:49,807 --> 00:21:51,399
(PHONE RINGING)
428
00:21:52,487 --> 00:21:53,602
- WARWICK: Hello?
- (RICKY SPEAKING)
429
00:21:53,887 --> 00:21:56,162
All right, Ricky, yeah, it's good.
430
00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:59,159
Yeah, it's really going well, thanks.
Today's a little bit different.
431
00:21:59,247 --> 00:22:01,203
There's so much more
we could do in Venice,
432
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,847
but he wanted to have a go
at this water jetpack thing
433
00:22:03,927 --> 00:22:05,565
'cause he thinks it's the future.
434
00:22:05,647 --> 00:22:07,797
So he's strapped into this contraption,
435
00:22:07,887 --> 00:22:09,923
which is actually
quite a cool-looking device,
436
00:22:10,007 --> 00:22:13,079
but when he's strapped to it,
it sort of takes anything away from it.
437
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,078
(RICKY LAUGHING)
438
00:22:16,607 --> 00:22:17,960
What's he talking about?
439
00:22:19,447 --> 00:22:21,517
So, actually,
I think he's regretting it now.
440
00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:23,325
He actually looks terrified.
441
00:22:32,007 --> 00:22:33,520
That's it. That's it.
442
00:22:33,607 --> 00:22:34,756
See you!
443
00:22:34,847 --> 00:22:38,157
- WARWICK: I think we've got everything.
- Just end it. Just hit the end button.
444
00:22:41,047 --> 00:22:43,083
Yeah, cheers, Ricky. Thanks, bye.
445
00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:44,600
All right.
446
00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:47,246
INSTRUCTOR: Slowly, slowly.
447
00:22:49,207 --> 00:22:50,356
Slowly.
448
00:22:50,447 --> 00:22:52,039
- It's all... It's pulling me back.
- Yeah.
449
00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:53,560
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
450
00:22:53,647 --> 00:22:54,966
Lower.
451
00:22:56,887 --> 00:22:59,401
I thought you were just in the water
and you give it that.
452
00:22:59,487 --> 00:23:00,636
I'm just not a good swimmer,
453
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:04,515
and I've got, like, fucking scaffolding
strapped to me back.
454
00:23:04,607 --> 00:23:06,757
It's meant to be the future.
455
00:23:06,847 --> 00:23:09,156
- You all right?
- Not really, I don't want to do it.
456
00:23:09,247 --> 00:23:11,044
I thought it was
going to be easier than this.
457
00:23:11,127 --> 00:23:14,085
Well, once you're in, it'll be fine.
This is the hard bit, the getting in.
458
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:18,319
It's weight. I can't breathe. I've got
a fucking polo neck on. I hate these.
459
00:23:18,407 --> 00:23:20,284
Well, would you rather be freezing cold?
460
00:23:20,367 --> 00:23:21,595
You're gonna appreciate that
when you're in there.
461
00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:23,166
I don't know,
I'd just rather not be doing this.
462
00:23:23,247 --> 00:23:24,885
- I don't know why I picked it.
- You booked it.
463
00:23:24,967 --> 00:23:27,401
I know, don't annoy me.
464
00:23:27,487 --> 00:23:29,398
INSTRUCTOR 2: It's only one step.
465
00:23:30,127 --> 00:23:31,958
This is heavy.
466
00:23:32,047 --> 00:23:34,322
Hang on, let me just
have a rest a minute.
467
00:23:34,407 --> 00:23:37,126
WARWICK: Where would you rather be now,
in there or in the pleasure tent?
468
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:38,196
(KARL GRUNTS)
469
00:23:38,287 --> 00:23:39,766
Just lie back and just relax.
470
00:23:39,847 --> 00:23:41,200
Okay.
471
00:23:42,687 --> 00:23:44,006
So undignified.
472
00:23:44,087 --> 00:23:45,759
Slowly, slowly.
473
00:23:45,847 --> 00:23:48,520
Karl, how do you feel? Excited?
474
00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:50,916
You gotta get up in the water like this.
475
00:23:51,007 --> 00:23:53,919
- Stand straight?
- Yeah, just be straight up and down.
476
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:55,725
Me legs are full of air.
477
00:23:55,807 --> 00:23:57,399
(WARWICK LAUGHS)
478
00:23:57,927 --> 00:23:59,360
Me legs are full of air.
479
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:01,244
INSTRUCTOR 3: Just lean forward.
Just lean forward and...
480
00:24:01,327 --> 00:24:02,442
I'm trying.
481
00:24:02,527 --> 00:24:04,995
I love the fact that
he snookered himself with this.
482
00:24:05,087 --> 00:24:06,122
It's his idea.
483
00:24:06,207 --> 00:24:08,277
I'm having problems
putting me legs down.
484
00:24:08,367 --> 00:24:09,925
INSTRUCTOR 3: Just lean forward.
485
00:24:10,007 --> 00:24:11,679
One, two, three.
486
00:24:13,927 --> 00:24:15,121
No.
487
00:24:15,207 --> 00:24:16,765
(GRUNTING)
488
00:24:18,007 --> 00:24:19,042
Right.
489
00:24:19,127 --> 00:24:21,243
INSTRUCTOR 3: Okay, now just relax.
You feel calm?
490
00:24:21,327 --> 00:24:24,285
- Okay.
- All right, so you're ready, then?
491
00:24:26,567 --> 00:24:28,239
Hit the button.
492
00:24:30,047 --> 00:24:33,198
Just try to keep yourself balanced.
Now roll over on your belly.
493
00:24:33,287 --> 00:24:35,118
Roll over! Twist!
494
00:24:42,847 --> 00:24:44,246
Roll over!
495
00:24:47,127 --> 00:24:48,958
- You all right?
- No, forget it.
496
00:24:49,047 --> 00:24:50,241
I couldn't control it.
497
00:24:50,327 --> 00:24:53,080
You just gotta throw
your weight back and roll over.
498
00:24:53,167 --> 00:24:54,486
No, forget it.
499
00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:55,920
I'll get in the water if you want.
500
00:24:56,007 --> 00:24:58,316
It's not worth it. This isn't ready yet.
501
00:24:58,407 --> 00:24:59,920
Jesus Christ!
502
00:25:00,007 --> 00:25:01,076
Exciting, isn't it?
503
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,600
How has this got made?
504
00:25:02,687 --> 00:25:04,837
I've seen people on the Dragons' Den
with more useful stuff.
505
00:25:04,927 --> 00:25:06,485
This is fucking death trap.
506
00:25:06,567 --> 00:25:07,716
(SPLASHING)
507
00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:10,881
- We don't have to send people out.
- (CHUCKLES)
508
00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:12,639
Ah, brilliant.
509
00:25:13,807 --> 00:25:17,880
Karl, smile, I'll get a nice picture
of you with Venice behind.
510
00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:22,206
What are you doing?
511
00:25:22,287 --> 00:25:24,039
I nearly died.
512
00:25:24,127 --> 00:25:26,243
- Nearly died.
- I nearly died!
513
00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:27,362
You're fine.
514
00:25:27,447 --> 00:25:29,961
- Just pull the ball.
- Pull the cork.
515
00:25:30,047 --> 00:25:32,038
Just pull the ball
and you'll come out of the jetpack.
516
00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:34,243
- WARWICK: No, he said the cork.
- Well, that doesn't work.
517
00:25:34,327 --> 00:25:36,318
Yeah, it does, just pull it.
518
00:25:36,407 --> 00:25:38,398
It's not coming off.
519
00:25:38,487 --> 00:25:41,559
I tell you what, once it's off,
put it in the fucking bin. It's shit!
520
00:25:41,647 --> 00:25:43,444
Pull the yellow cord out,
the yellow cord.
521
00:25:43,527 --> 00:25:46,917
- I'm pulling the yellow cord.
- No, the yellow one.
522
00:25:47,007 --> 00:25:48,645
There's only one cord!
523
00:25:48,727 --> 00:25:51,036
- Can you help us?
- Yeah.
524
00:25:51,127 --> 00:25:52,480
Okay, wait a second now.
Open the yellow cord...
525
00:25:52,567 --> 00:25:54,717
(INSTRUCTOR 2 SPEAKING ITALIAN)
526
00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:56,206
Fucking seaweed!
527
00:25:57,127 --> 00:25:59,197
- You okay?
- Just one minute, sir.
528
00:25:59,407 --> 00:26:04,197
Look at the state of that. It's like
a beetle clinging on for his life.
529
00:26:07,807 --> 00:26:12,244
See, again, it's me picking things.
I don't know what I want in life.
530
00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:14,887
I picked that.
I've got no one else to blame.
531
00:26:14,967 --> 00:26:18,039
I'm not a great swimmer,
I couldn't get out of it.
532
00:26:18,127 --> 00:26:20,277
I saw me life flash before me there.
533
00:26:20,367 --> 00:26:22,676
DIRECTOR: What did you see?
534
00:26:22,767 --> 00:26:24,644
Just seaweed.
535
00:26:47,687 --> 00:26:50,565
Embarrassing really, that, wasn't it?
536
00:26:54,087 --> 00:26:58,205
At least I gave it a go
while you sat there.
537
00:26:58,287 --> 00:27:00,118
Gave it a go? I don't know...
538
00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:03,076
I don't think
the motor actually started, did it,
539
00:27:03,167 --> 00:27:05,601
the whole time you were there?
540
00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:20,846
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
541
00:27:20,927 --> 00:27:22,565
(RICKY SPEAKING)
542
00:27:36,367 --> 00:27:39,086
WARWICK: This is not
what Marco Polo did, it's not authentic.
543
00:27:39,167 --> 00:27:40,759
KARL: Why copy someone else?
544
00:27:40,847 --> 00:27:44,044
There's other roads to be created,
other paths to go down now.
545
00:27:44,127 --> 00:27:47,403
You don't always go
the same way to Tesco, do you?
546
00:28:05,927 --> 00:28:07,155
KARL: Ah, being a gypsy.
547
00:28:07,247 --> 00:28:10,045
Dunno, there's a little bit of me
that I think would like it,
548
00:28:10,127 --> 00:28:11,606
but then I don't know.
549
00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:13,040
I don't like change, do I?
550
00:28:13,127 --> 00:28:14,162
And their life, that's all it is,
551
00:28:14,247 --> 00:28:15,999
it's just one big change
day after day, isn't it?
552
00:28:16,087 --> 00:28:17,805
They never get used to
their surroundings.
553
00:28:17,887 --> 00:28:19,639
You know what I mean,
it's like going on holiday, isn't it?
554
00:28:19,727 --> 00:28:22,366
Those first few days you have where
you think, "Right, where's the shop?
555
00:28:22,447 --> 00:28:24,324
"Where can you get the milk from?"
556
00:28:24,407 --> 00:28:25,556
There's nothing here.
557
00:28:25,647 --> 00:28:28,400
KARL: I don't understand how people
at home can call themselves gypsies.
558
00:28:28,487 --> 00:28:30,000
There's nothing like that at home.
559
00:28:30,087 --> 00:28:31,884
They're not going around
in a little horse cart like that,
560
00:28:31,967 --> 00:28:33,878
they've got a static caravan
on breeze blocks.
561
00:28:33,967 --> 00:28:35,798
They're not going anywhere.
They're not travellers, are they?
562
00:28:35,887 --> 00:28:38,082
They can't go anywhere. It's on bricks.
563
00:28:39,007 --> 00:28:40,565
Thank you.
564
00:28:40,647 --> 00:28:42,922
KARL: Apple pie?
WARWICK: Excellent.
565
00:28:43,007 --> 00:28:45,077
It's really nice. It's lovely.
566
00:28:45,167 --> 00:28:47,806
Mmm, thank you. Lovely.
567
00:28:47,887 --> 00:28:50,526
KARL: Do we sleep in here tonight?
568
00:28:50,607 --> 00:28:52,006
GYPSY MAN: Yeah.
569
00:28:53,767 --> 00:28:56,122
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- Karl, there's a hole in the roof.
570
00:28:56,207 --> 00:28:57,765
Let's get that plastic sheeting on.
571
00:28:58,047 --> 00:29:00,038
Do we put the plastic on the outside?
572
00:29:00,127 --> 00:29:02,402
KARL: Over the top?
GYPSY MAN: Yeah.
573
00:29:04,447 --> 00:29:07,564
Karl, can you get my case in
before it gets wet as well?
574
00:29:07,647 --> 00:29:09,080
KARL: That's got a hole in it.
575
00:29:09,167 --> 00:29:10,646
WARWICK: Hang on,
I need a bit more room than that.
576
00:29:10,727 --> 00:29:12,922
WARWICK: Look how short that is.
KARL: Stop moaning.
577
00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:16,839
WARWICK: Look at it.
578
00:29:16,927 --> 00:29:18,599
KARL: There's nothing wrong with this.
579
00:29:18,687 --> 00:29:21,201
Of all the people to be moaning
about being in a tight space,
580
00:29:21,287 --> 00:29:22,356
you're not the one.
581
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:28,718
(PIPES PLAYING)
582
00:29:28,807 --> 00:29:31,116
Never seen that before,
I never spoke to someone
583
00:29:31,207 --> 00:29:33,402
who sort of said,
"Oh, what instrument do you play?"
584
00:29:33,487 --> 00:29:36,047
And they go, "Playing the goat."
Never seen that.
585
00:29:36,127 --> 00:29:37,526
Properly and nicely done
as well, like...
586
00:29:37,607 --> 00:29:40,280
Doesn't look ropy,
sort of, you know, a dead animal.
587
00:29:40,367 --> 00:29:42,005
It looks quite perky.
588
00:29:42,087 --> 00:29:44,840
I suppose any animal that has
more reasons to be around
589
00:29:44,927 --> 00:29:46,246
helps it in the long run.
590
00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:47,885
I think that's the problem
with pandas and things,
591
00:29:47,967 --> 00:29:49,241
they haven't got a job, have they?
592
00:29:49,327 --> 00:29:50,885
They're dying out, and no one cares,
593
00:29:50,967 --> 00:29:53,276
whereas if you've got
an animal that's chipping in...
594
00:29:53,367 --> 00:29:56,404
Dogs do a lot now,
they've got blind dogs, huskies.
595
00:29:56,487 --> 00:29:58,000
That's just another job
for the goat, isn't it?
596
00:29:58,087 --> 00:30:00,396
It does milk, does cheese.
597
00:30:01,247 --> 00:30:02,521
Musical instrument.
598
00:30:02,887 --> 00:30:03,956
It's good.
599
00:30:04,047 --> 00:30:06,800
Got a good tune out of it,
I had a good dance, did me bit.
600
00:30:06,887 --> 00:30:09,321
You know, they all seemed to enjoy
me having a dance with them.
601
00:30:09,407 --> 00:30:13,286
It's just Warwick, he looked
a bit sort of fed up and not up for it.
602
00:30:13,367 --> 00:30:14,720
Hmm.
603
00:30:15,447 --> 00:30:17,324
- (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
- What's that?
604
00:30:17,407 --> 00:30:19,523
- (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
605
00:30:19,607 --> 00:30:25,000
I don't know whether he knew
that there could be sort of issues
606
00:30:25,087 --> 00:30:26,566
between me and gypsies
607
00:30:26,647 --> 00:30:29,161
and the fact that
they like to touch me for luck.
608
00:30:29,247 --> 00:30:30,396
I don't know.
609
00:30:30,487 --> 00:30:32,557
My head seems to be
the luckiest point on me, actually,
610
00:30:32,647 --> 00:30:34,922
the body isn't quite so good.
611
00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:37,316
He said a few people
were getting sly touches in,
612
00:30:37,407 --> 00:30:39,875
sort of coming up
with reasons to touch his head.
613
00:30:39,967 --> 00:30:41,878
Sort of going, "Oh, you've got
a fly on your head, there."
614
00:30:41,967 --> 00:30:43,446
Sort of rubbing his head
for a bit of luck.
615
00:30:43,527 --> 00:30:44,880
Oh, luck, yeah.
616
00:30:44,967 --> 00:30:46,241
But I think it's a load of old bollocks,
617
00:30:46,327 --> 00:30:48,921
'cause I've been with him for a while
and he's pissing me right off.
618
00:30:49,007 --> 00:30:51,123
WARWICK: Nice, thank you.
619
00:30:58,367 --> 00:30:59,959
KARL: Been hard work.
620
00:31:00,047 --> 00:31:03,881
Warwick annoyed me a little bit
when we first got here.
621
00:31:03,967 --> 00:31:05,798
I was working me arse off there,
622
00:31:05,887 --> 00:31:08,685
dancing around,
getting all excited, into it.
623
00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:10,439
He sat in here doing fuck all.
624
00:31:11,207 --> 00:31:15,598
Suddenly, they show a bit of interest
in him and his Hollywood career
625
00:31:15,687 --> 00:31:18,326
and his family and all that lot.
He's got his album out.
626
00:31:18,407 --> 00:31:19,886
So, yeah, he's loving that.
627
00:31:19,967 --> 00:31:22,640
That's my children.
628
00:31:22,727 --> 00:31:25,321
We were in Hollywood,
that's where the films...
629
00:31:25,407 --> 00:31:26,442
ALL: Ah!
630
00:31:26,527 --> 00:31:29,280
Harrison, Sam, my wife, there.
631
00:31:30,487 --> 00:31:33,718
We went on holiday.
Do you have a holiday?
632
00:31:34,287 --> 00:31:36,437
- You're always on holiday, I suppose.
- That's a car.
633
00:31:36,527 --> 00:31:37,926
(BOY SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
634
00:31:38,007 --> 00:31:39,326
That's a flag.
635
00:31:39,407 --> 00:31:41,682
I haven't really got... A pigeon.
It's a bit bad, really.
636
00:31:41,767 --> 00:31:44,486
I haven't got a picture of Suzanne,
but I've got a picture of a pigeon.
637
00:31:44,567 --> 00:31:46,159
(WARWICK LAUGHS)
638
00:31:51,847 --> 00:31:53,166
DIRECTOR: How was last night?
639
00:31:53,247 --> 00:31:57,684
KARL: (YAWNING) I slept...
I slept all right, really, considering
640
00:31:58,607 --> 00:32:01,644
that I had clingfilm for a blanket.
641
00:32:01,727 --> 00:32:02,842
I think he slept all right.
642
00:32:02,927 --> 00:32:05,441
I woke up a few times,
he was just there,
643
00:32:05,527 --> 00:32:08,599
just wrapped up,
sealed all the way round.
644
00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:12,123
Like a little samosa.
645
00:32:12,207 --> 00:32:13,879
So, in that way, he is cut out for this.
646
00:32:13,967 --> 00:32:17,403
I know I've been saying all along
that he's not up to it,
647
00:32:17,487 --> 00:32:22,277
but if it comes to sleeping
in little holes and crevices,
648
00:32:23,647 --> 00:32:25,046
he's ideal.
649
00:32:29,047 --> 00:32:30,196
Hello.
650
00:32:30,287 --> 00:32:31,800
Morning.
651
00:32:37,167 --> 00:32:39,158
Will you stop
just puffing and panting like that?
652
00:32:39,247 --> 00:32:40,965
- It's really...
- I don't want to breathe heavily.
653
00:32:42,007 --> 00:32:43,804
It stinks of goat shit everywhere.
654
00:32:47,327 --> 00:32:48,555
WARWICK: Right, I've been checking
the guidebook,
655
00:32:48,647 --> 00:32:50,717
and I've found something
I think you might like.
656
00:32:50,807 --> 00:32:53,719
The Sufi religion is very popular here.
657
00:32:54,607 --> 00:32:59,397
They practise mystical exercises, you
know, to get into a spiritual trance.
658
00:33:01,927 --> 00:33:03,645
I think you need to find yourself, Karl.
659
00:33:03,727 --> 00:33:06,446
No, really isn't a problem.
660
00:33:06,527 --> 00:33:07,596
KARL: Oh, is this it?
661
00:33:08,927 --> 00:33:11,919
KARL: I mean, what have you done
that's spiritual? Really.
662
00:33:12,007 --> 00:33:14,680
WARWICK: I was hypnotised
by Paul McKenna once.
663
00:33:14,767 --> 00:33:16,678
- Hello. How are you?
- Hello, there.
664
00:33:16,767 --> 00:33:18,485
- I'm Warwick.
- I'm Karl.
665
00:33:19,127 --> 00:33:21,038
- KARL: Murtezau?
- Yes.
666
00:33:21,807 --> 00:33:23,957
You come in here every day?
667
00:33:26,207 --> 00:33:30,041
So, sorry, what are these, then?
This is a...
668
00:33:34,047 --> 00:33:36,800
KARL: He's not growing tomatoes,
is he? It's coffins.
669
00:33:43,247 --> 00:33:45,681
- He was a professor in school?
- In school, yes.
670
00:33:45,767 --> 00:33:48,565
WARWICK: Will there be a place for you?
671
00:33:49,087 --> 00:33:50,440
This?
672
00:33:52,607 --> 00:33:56,486
Are you happy with that?
Are you happy with this as a space?
673
00:33:57,287 --> 00:33:58,959
Right below the light bulb.
674
00:34:01,567 --> 00:34:04,718
It doesn't feel like a graveyard,
there's something a little bit more...
675
00:34:04,807 --> 00:34:06,365
No, it does.
It does feel like a graveyard.
676
00:34:06,447 --> 00:34:09,120
No, it's more majestic somehow.
677
00:34:09,207 --> 00:34:11,084
Mad, isn't it? Do you think it's mad?
678
00:34:11,167 --> 00:34:13,123
I just want to remember them
how they were.
679
00:34:13,207 --> 00:34:15,437
Don't want stuff in the basement.
680
00:34:15,527 --> 00:34:17,722
It's like a car showroom
the way they're all stacked up.
681
00:34:17,807 --> 00:34:19,684
I couldn't imagine this ever...
682
00:34:19,767 --> 00:34:22,327
Well, it wouldn't catch on. We wouldn't
allow it at home, there's no way.
683
00:34:22,407 --> 00:34:24,363
You have to get permission
to have a conservatory.
684
00:34:24,447 --> 00:34:27,996
But why wouldn't we allow it?
I don't understand what's so odd.
685
00:34:28,087 --> 00:34:29,725
When you come to sell it,
686
00:34:29,807 --> 00:34:31,638
people are up there going,
"Oh, this is nice.
687
00:34:31,727 --> 00:34:32,921
"Oh, what's down here for storage?"
688
00:34:33,007 --> 00:34:36,397
And you come in here,
oh, there's Elsie, there's Auntie Jean.
689
00:34:36,487 --> 00:34:39,160
I don't know why you can't
just accept things for the way they are.
690
00:34:39,247 --> 00:34:40,919
You just want to always change stuff.
691
00:34:41,007 --> 00:34:44,556
This has been happening
for 150 years like this.
692
00:34:44,847 --> 00:34:48,920
I'm not happy with this, I'll tell you.
I would not be happy with this.
693
00:34:49,007 --> 00:34:50,281
(WARWICK SIGHS)
694
00:34:57,087 --> 00:34:58,566
Okay, cheers.
695
00:35:05,727 --> 00:35:07,638
(PRAYING IN ARABIC)
696
00:35:22,927 --> 00:35:25,077
(ALL CHANTING IN ARABIC)
697
00:35:47,727 --> 00:35:50,366
It was fine to start with,
everyone's having a good time.
698
00:35:50,447 --> 00:35:52,244
Running round in circles,
having a dance,
699
00:35:52,327 --> 00:35:55,080
having a, you know, praying,
doing the what's-her-name.
700
00:36:00,207 --> 00:36:02,516
Suddenly I thought, "What's going on?"
Just doing that thing.
701
00:36:02,607 --> 00:36:04,086
I thought,
"Oh, yeah, that's interesting."
702
00:36:04,167 --> 00:36:05,839
And then, bosh, in the face.
703
00:36:05,927 --> 00:36:08,043
It knocked me for six.
704
00:36:15,247 --> 00:36:18,319
A fella put one right through here.
He showed me all the scars.
705
00:36:18,407 --> 00:36:20,318
One here, load here.
706
00:36:20,407 --> 00:36:23,205
And then put it through...
It's like a game of Kerplunk!
707
00:36:23,287 --> 00:36:25,323
the way he's just sticking shit in him.
708
00:36:25,407 --> 00:36:26,522
What makes me laugh is when I'm at home,
709
00:36:26,607 --> 00:36:28,484
if I get a toothpick, put it
in me mouth and mess with it,
710
00:36:28,567 --> 00:36:30,046
Suzanne's going,
"Don't do that, it's dangerous."
711
00:36:30,127 --> 00:36:31,162
Wait until she sees it.
712
00:36:31,247 --> 00:36:33,477
If she ever has a go at me again
about messing with a toothpick,
713
00:36:33,567 --> 00:36:34,841
I'll go, "Watch that."
714
00:36:39,007 --> 00:36:42,079
- Would you like to try?
- No, no, no, no.
715
00:36:45,247 --> 00:36:46,885
Honest to God.
716
00:36:47,847 --> 00:36:49,200
Was Warwick nearly sick?
717
00:36:49,287 --> 00:36:50,322
I looked down at one point,
718
00:36:50,407 --> 00:36:53,558
and he was sort of
throwing up in his hat.
719
00:36:53,647 --> 00:36:56,719
It was shocking. I mean,
you've got to admit that, seeing it.
720
00:36:56,807 --> 00:36:58,445
And then he started saying,
"Oh, we'd better get him out,
721
00:36:58,527 --> 00:37:00,722
"he's gonna be sick on the carpet."
722
00:37:00,807 --> 00:37:02,399
Well, I wasn't.
723
00:37:03,607 --> 00:37:04,960
DIRECTOR: He told us he was all right.
724
00:37:05,047 --> 00:37:07,322
There was definitely a point
where he kept turning round and going...
725
00:37:07,407 --> 00:37:09,159
I was worried
'cause there's so many mats in there.
726
00:37:09,247 --> 00:37:12,637
If he's sick, that's seven mats
that have to go to the dry cleaner's.
727
00:37:12,727 --> 00:37:14,877
They're all over the shop.
728
00:37:21,487 --> 00:37:24,081
KARL: I've not seen that on the telly.
I've never seen it.
729
00:37:24,167 --> 00:37:26,158
Songs of Praise on a Sunday.
It's well boring.
730
00:37:26,247 --> 00:37:27,646
I mean, I don't want to see that.
731
00:37:27,727 --> 00:37:29,877
I don't want to see old people
dancing around to the Lord's Prayer
732
00:37:29,967 --> 00:37:31,719
sticking knives in their head,
733
00:37:31,807 --> 00:37:33,763
but does it make any difference?
734
00:37:33,847 --> 00:37:35,997
Does it mean they believe
in something more
735
00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:37,281
because they do that?
736
00:37:55,087 --> 00:37:56,566
(PHONE RINGING)
737
00:37:58,167 --> 00:37:59,236
(RICKY SPEAKING)
738
00:37:59,327 --> 00:38:02,558
It's going well.
We're in Macedonia, of course.
739
00:38:03,287 --> 00:38:06,165
We went to that
religious ceremony yesterday.
740
00:38:07,087 --> 00:38:08,918
It was a bit full-on.
741
00:38:09,447 --> 00:38:13,838
Now Karl's just sat there with
his headphones on not really talking.
742
00:38:28,807 --> 00:38:30,445
WARWICK: Cheers, bye.
RICKY: Cheers, bye.
743
00:38:31,207 --> 00:38:34,279
- KARL: Is this safe?
- Of course it is. There's string and...
744
00:38:34,367 --> 00:38:36,085
KARL: Yeah, electric wires everywhere.
745
00:38:37,247 --> 00:38:42,037
It's just fucking stupid.
Nothing to do with the Marco Polo route.
746
00:38:42,127 --> 00:38:45,722
WARWICK: It's cool.
You're gonna be weightless.
747
00:38:45,807 --> 00:38:47,604
It's something
he went on about ages ago.
748
00:38:47,687 --> 00:38:48,722
He kept going on about saying
749
00:38:48,807 --> 00:38:51,480
how he'd love to stick me on a load
of balloons and get me in the air.
750
00:38:51,567 --> 00:38:55,082
It's not normal, is it,
for a mate to be wanting that?
751
00:38:55,167 --> 00:38:57,158
Warwick, hold the end, do something.
752
00:38:57,247 --> 00:38:59,681
You're here. I haven't seen you
do anything yet since we've been away.
753
00:38:59,767 --> 00:39:00,882
I took some pictures.
754
00:39:01,727 --> 00:39:02,921
Jump.
755
00:39:05,527 --> 00:39:06,801
(GRUNTS)
756
00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:11,444
WARWICK: (LAUGHING) Oh, yes!
757
00:39:11,527 --> 00:39:13,597
Fucking nettles!
758
00:39:14,007 --> 00:39:15,156
(GRUNTS)
759
00:39:15,247 --> 00:39:17,477
Oh, fucking hell,
it hurts on the comedown, doesn't it?
760
00:39:17,567 --> 00:39:20,206
It looks great, though,
it's really colourful.
761
00:39:20,287 --> 00:39:22,084
I've created a new arse.
762
00:39:22,167 --> 00:39:23,156
It's good TV.
763
00:39:24,127 --> 00:39:26,436
That's it, get the seat round.
764
00:39:27,327 --> 00:39:30,876
That's it, cheers. That's better.
That's...
765
00:39:31,927 --> 00:39:34,316
Ah, you hating bastard.
766
00:39:34,407 --> 00:39:36,079
Is it better to run off the hill?
767
00:39:36,167 --> 00:39:38,158
WARWICK: For the record, go!
768
00:39:41,407 --> 00:39:43,637
WARWICK: Ridiculous run.
769
00:39:44,167 --> 00:39:46,635
Come on! Go!
770
00:39:53,567 --> 00:39:55,319
It's no good.
771
00:39:57,767 --> 00:40:00,520
- Warwick, you'll have to do it.
- I'm not doing it.
772
00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:03,121
- Come on, Warwick.
- No, no, no.
773
00:40:03,967 --> 00:40:05,161
LOCAL MAN: Why not?
774
00:40:05,247 --> 00:40:07,158
Well, I don't think I need to,
we've got what we need.
775
00:40:07,247 --> 00:40:09,602
That's his answer to everything
since I've been here.
776
00:40:09,687 --> 00:40:11,120
"No, I don't want to."
777
00:40:11,207 --> 00:40:14,643
Being short, you see,
I don't really like heights that much.
778
00:40:14,727 --> 00:40:15,796
KARL: Don't mess about.
779
00:40:15,887 --> 00:40:18,196
- I'm not messing about.
- The kids want it. Get him up?
780
00:40:18,287 --> 00:40:19,322
(CHILDREN SPEAKING MACEDONIAN)
781
00:40:19,407 --> 00:40:21,363
There you go, they love it.
Come on, don't let the kids down.
782
00:40:21,447 --> 00:40:22,562
I'm not letting the kids down.
783
00:40:22,647 --> 00:40:24,842
What about that little bear
you were doing for the kids?
784
00:40:24,927 --> 00:40:26,804
The thing doesn't even fit me,
though, does it?
785
00:40:26,887 --> 00:40:28,957
- Come on.
- It's too big.
786
00:40:29,047 --> 00:40:30,924
No, I don't think
this is gonna work on me, is it?
787
00:40:31,007 --> 00:40:32,486
Yeah, it is, it's gonna be brilliant.
788
00:40:32,567 --> 00:40:35,764
There's far too many balloons, surely.
This is ridiculous.
789
00:40:35,847 --> 00:40:38,566
- (CHILDREN COUNTING DOWN IN MACEDONIAN)
- Oh, it works.
790
00:40:40,407 --> 00:40:42,079
(ALL CHEERING)
791
00:40:42,327 --> 00:40:44,443
WARWICK: Hey, marvellous.
792
00:40:45,367 --> 00:40:46,402
I'm gone!
793
00:40:46,487 --> 00:40:48,842
DIRECTOR: Not too high,
Karl, not too high. Not too high.
794
00:40:48,927 --> 00:40:51,236
You drowned me the other day.
No one cared.
795
00:40:51,327 --> 00:40:53,761
We've got a dwarf on a balloon,
there's no danger.
796
00:40:54,407 --> 00:40:56,796
- He's high...
- No one cares.
797
00:40:56,887 --> 00:40:59,162
Why didn't you show this concern
with me on the jet pack?
798
00:40:59,247 --> 00:41:00,805
- I did.
- You didn't.
799
00:41:00,887 --> 00:41:02,366
You went,
"Oh, that's a bit of a letdown."
800
00:41:02,447 --> 00:41:03,641
This will make up for it.
801
00:41:03,727 --> 00:41:05,957
It's funny from down there, isn't it?
802
00:41:06,047 --> 00:41:07,844
I never had a kite.
803
00:41:08,607 --> 00:41:09,835
WARWICK: Look at them go.
804
00:41:11,127 --> 00:41:13,004
I reckon that's
brought us closer together.
805
00:41:14,767 --> 00:41:15,995
Ow!
806
00:41:16,087 --> 00:41:17,759
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (GRUNTS)
807
00:41:18,887 --> 00:41:19,876
KARL: Hello?
808
00:41:20,007 --> 00:41:21,360
(RICKY SPEAKING)
809
00:41:22,327 --> 00:41:24,557
No, I didn't do it in the end.
There wasn't enough balloons,
810
00:41:24,647 --> 00:41:26,877
so they couldn't lift me,
so I stuck Warwick in it.
811
00:41:27,807 --> 00:41:29,525
I stuck Warwick in it.
He was quite happy.
812
00:41:29,607 --> 00:41:30,835
- I wasn't.
- You were.
813
00:41:30,927 --> 00:41:32,280
You see? It's fine.
814
00:41:34,487 --> 00:41:36,000
- He was happy.
- Wasn't.
815
00:41:36,087 --> 00:41:37,202
Well, hang on a minute anyway.
816
00:41:37,287 --> 00:41:38,720
Why is it all right for me to do it,
817
00:41:38,807 --> 00:41:41,116
but he's lugging around with me
and he's not doing anything.
818
00:41:45,327 --> 00:41:46,726
Ricky, not being funny,
819
00:41:46,807 --> 00:41:50,482
I've seen people on balloons,
I've never seen a little fella on one.
820
00:41:50,567 --> 00:41:52,683
Warwick's enjoyed himself,
there isn't a problem.
821
00:41:53,807 --> 00:41:55,877
- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, I'm here.
822
00:41:57,487 --> 00:41:59,125
Yeah, I'm all right.
I didn't enjoy it, though.
823
00:41:59,207 --> 00:42:01,767
I mean, it was ridiculous.
We had the little local kids.
824
00:42:01,847 --> 00:42:04,486
They were the safety,
they were holding on to the ropes.
825
00:42:04,567 --> 00:42:05,886
So anything could have happened.
It was windy...
826
00:42:05,967 --> 00:42:07,286
It was their best day ever.
827
00:42:12,327 --> 00:42:13,476
He just would have gone up.
828
00:42:15,727 --> 00:42:17,365
But the same thing for me.
829
00:42:29,447 --> 00:42:32,962
Honestly, if you offered me
a cat now, I'd do a swap.
830
00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:34,878
(RICKY LAUGHING)
831
00:42:37,487 --> 00:42:40,001
NARRATOR: Next time
on An Idiot Abroad...
832
00:42:40,847 --> 00:42:42,326
RICKY: Right, it's time
to hit the road again.
833
00:42:42,407 --> 00:42:45,205
You're continuing
your journey via India.
834
00:42:45,287 --> 00:42:48,040
I just love the atmosphere already,
you can just feel it,
835
00:42:48,127 --> 00:42:49,799
you can feel the energy, can't you?
836
00:42:49,887 --> 00:42:51,605
(ALL LAUGHING)
837
00:42:52,927 --> 00:42:54,645
Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.
838
00:42:54,727 --> 00:42:56,126
"It'll be good to have some company."
839
00:42:57,767 --> 00:43:00,600
- But what does this look mean?
- Very handsome.
840
00:43:00,687 --> 00:43:02,723
Do a little bit from Oliver!
841
00:43:03,607 --> 00:43:04,676
That's it, that's good.
842
00:43:06,247 --> 00:43:07,600
KARL: What you're gonna see now,
843
00:43:07,687 --> 00:43:10,281
you'll never get
the chance to see again.
844
00:43:10,367 --> 00:43:12,278
RICKY: I don't want it be
one of those shows
845
00:43:12,367 --> 00:43:14,961
where it's just pure exploitation.