1 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:36,482 Morning, Benjamin. How are you today? 2 00:01:44,487 --> 00:01:47,604 OK, my name is Martha Parrish, 3 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,964 personal secretary to Lady Theresa Cutler, 4 00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:55,643 and on her behalf, may I welcome you all today to Cicada Park. 5 00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:59,442 The house is over 400 years old 6 00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:04,767 and is still the principal residence of Lady Theresa and her family. 7 00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:08,886 Her husband, Sylvester Le Fley, you may know, of course, 8 00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:15,122 as the famous theatre critic and cultural affairs columnist on the "Sunday Telegraph". 9 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,562 Friday 10th. Arts Desk. FAO Derek Chinnery. 10 00:02:20,727 --> 00:02:26,120 "Edgar Bint's latest effort at the Cottesloe, "Upload, Download", 11 00:02:26,287 --> 00:02:30,644 "was billed as 'a hilarious new comedy'. 12 00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:34,797 "Of these four words, only the first is accurate. 13 00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:41,566 "While neither, hilarious, new or comic, it is most certainly an indefinite article. 14 00:02:41,727 --> 00:02:46,881 "The fact that it drew maniacal laughter from the horrendous hyenas around me 15 00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:50,562 "merely confirms my long-held belief 16 00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:55,642 "that quality theatre is too precious to be wasted on audiences. " 17 00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:15,237 Mummy, can I have a tree house? 18 00:03:15,407 --> 00:03:17,398 Of course, sweetheart. 19 00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:21,082 Not just at this second, though. 20 00:03:42,927 --> 00:03:46,317 Saumon fumé, darling? I thought you might be hungry. 21 00:03:49,087 --> 00:03:51,157 You read my mind. 22 00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:06,961 The doors in this part of the house are of particular interest. 23 00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:11,279 They're of hand-carved Spanish Moorish design 24 00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:13,961 dating back to the 1900s, 25 00:04:14,127 --> 00:04:18,405 when the 15th marquis had them specially imported from his villa in Aragón. 26 00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:20,882 You demented harpy! 27 00:04:21,047 --> 00:04:26,519 - I can't even have a simple massage now?! - She had her arm up your shorts! 28 00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:31,078 You are insane! I tie my shoelace now, it's an act of infidelity. 29 00:04:31,247 --> 00:04:35,206 What have you done to my tongue? I can't sthpeak! 30 00:04:35,407 --> 00:04:37,443 So go suck a dock leaf! 31 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,835 This we call the Flemish Gallery, 32 00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:48,795 housing works by many well-known Dutch genre painters. 33 00:04:49,007 --> 00:04:53,558 Everything in this room has been in the house at least 100 years, 34 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:57,442 apart from Eric, of course, who's been here 150. 35 00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:04,118 So we come to the jewel of Cicada Park, El Greco's "Kiss of Judas", 36 00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:08,963 which we keep in a room on its own, where, as you'll see, the temperature, humidity 37 00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:14,645 and light levels are carefully maintained to prevent discolouration or cracking. 38 00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:20,439 Because of this, and for reasons of space, we can allow only eight people inside at a time. 39 00:05:20,607 --> 00:05:25,761 So, who's going to be my first group? That's it. OK. 40 00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:39,559 As I say, the ambient light is controlled by the special tinting in the glass above you. 41 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:43,797 And if you could close the door while we're in here, please. 42 00:05:44,687 --> 00:05:48,680 These aren't my rules - they're all laid down by the insurance company, 43 00:05:48,887 --> 00:05:56,475 because the picture that you see before you is conservatively valued at £1.5 million. 44 00:06:05,047 --> 00:06:06,844 Hmm. 45 00:06:11,127 --> 00:06:14,915 - OK, when the rest of you are ready. - Who's this? 46 00:06:15,087 --> 00:06:19,319 Ah, yes. That's by a painter called Mostaert... 47 00:06:21,007 --> 00:06:23,521 Right. Let's have the next group, please. 48 00:06:23,727 --> 00:06:29,165 OK? As I was saying to your friends, the reason we have to take extra care... 49 00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:35,002 This can't be happening. 50 00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,359 Eric! 51 00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:41,078 Eric! Eric! 52 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,765 - It's gone! - Gone? How? 53 00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,037 Cut from the frame. How? 54 00:06:51,727 --> 00:06:55,640 This is absurd! The whole thing is just absurd! 55 00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:12,643 I think it's best if you just... I'm sorry. I'm in a state of shock. 56 00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:15,202 I can't think how this has happened. 57 00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,964 Eric? 58 00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:30,798 Martha? Martha? Eric said... 59 00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:33,720 The El Greco. Someone's just... I don't know. 60 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,162 Perhaps we're all dreaming or... 61 00:07:36,327 --> 00:07:39,922 It was there 30 seconds before. And then it wasn't. 62 00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:42,601 And the room was empty, I swear. 63 00:07:44,847 --> 00:07:47,042 Call the police. 64 00:07:59,607 --> 00:08:03,282 Hello? Yes. This is Martha Parrish ringing from Cicada P... 65 00:08:05,967 --> 00:08:08,561 Mr Le Fley, are you all right? 66 00:08:09,607 --> 00:08:12,565 Something heavy... from behind. 67 00:08:13,807 --> 00:08:16,480 - I think I heard someone running off! - Darling? 68 00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:18,126 Theresa. 69 00:09:02,927 --> 00:09:06,715 If it's like this at Hyde Park, we'll have right fun and games. 70 00:09:06,887 --> 00:09:10,038 Never mind crowd attendants, we'll need synchronised swimmers. 71 00:09:10,247 --> 00:09:15,162 Shut up and keep the knots dry. I'm attempting a state of osteo-muscular pre-contraction. 72 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,998 - Whoa! - Bloody gangsters! 73 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,236 Murdering scum, the lot of you! 74 00:09:57,407 --> 00:10:00,046 Help! Police! Over here! 75 00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:03,756 You keep away from that hole! 76 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,206 Are you all set in there? 77 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,962 And we... start the clock. 78 00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:07,845 Wrap your optic nerve around those two, Jonathan. 79 00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:12,398 Give me a waterbed and three snorkels and I could be in paradise. 80 00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:16,723 Oh, how absolutely, immensely satisfying. Did you see this? 81 00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:22,842 Our all-time favourite reviewer, Sylvester Le Fley... remember? 82 00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:26,522 "With Adam Klaus performing miracles, Jesus has nothing to worry about. " 83 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:31,723 Him and his nobby wife just had a priceless painting nicked. 84 00:11:33,007 --> 00:11:34,998 Yesterday lunchtime, broad daylight. 85 00:11:36,047 --> 00:11:40,165 Well, ha-ha! Suck on that you, smarmy bas... 86 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,040 - Where are you going? - They're nervous. 87 00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:47,837 - They need someone to hold their hand. - You're inside the coffin, remember? 88 00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:50,959 I knew it was too easy. 89 00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:54,125 So, I don't know... 90 00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:59,046 Everything's such a mess at the moment, I don't know where to start. 91 00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:03,320 Have you had any more erotic dreams about...? 92 00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:05,518 You know who? 93 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,918 Last night, actually. 94 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:15,523 We were making love together like - I don't know - Olympic gymnasts. 95 00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:19,316 I think I got down to a size ten at one point. 96 00:12:19,487 --> 00:12:24,322 Except for some reason, we were onstage at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden, 97 00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:30,841 and the audience were all booing and shouting, "Bring back the juggler," 98 00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,316 which put us off slightly, because... 99 00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:35,842 All right. That'll do. Come with me, please. 100 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,356 - I beg your pardon? - Detective Inspector Roy Gregson. 101 00:12:38,527 --> 00:12:41,963 - I'm afraid this consultation is over. - For what reason? 102 00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:46,126 For the reason that you're no more a psychoanalyst than I am. 103 00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:50,798 - You what?! - I'm sorry. It's called "obsessive delusion". 104 00:12:51,007 --> 00:12:55,922 The sufferer acts out a fantasy role to satisfy some unfulfilled desire in their life. 105 00:12:56,087 --> 00:12:58,760 In this case, listening to people's intimate sexual neuroses, 106 00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:01,959 but I'm afraid party's over now, young lady. 107 00:13:02,127 --> 00:13:06,086 All right, Mr Gregson. Leave her be, please. 108 00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:08,278 Mr Gregson. 109 00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:13,796 I'm sorry about this. It's a psychotic condition. He believes himself to be a police inspector... 110 00:13:15,247 --> 00:13:20,765 whereas you actually work for the North Thames Gas Board. 111 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,435 Do forgive the intrusion. 112 00:13:23,607 --> 00:13:26,519 I'll try and keep my door locked in future. 113 00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:32,400 Unsettling when that happens, isn't it? 114 00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:39,884 Now, you were talking about some... general sense of confusion in your personal life. 115 00:13:41,447 --> 00:13:42,926 Sorry? 116 00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:48,926 Yes, well, there's this ongoing business with Jonathan, obviously. 117 00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:54,882 But... the other day, something else cropped up as well, which... 118 00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,721 You know that thing... 119 00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:04,881 where a ghost from your past suddenly comes back to haunt you? 120 00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:09,046 Listen, Jonathan, great to put a face to the name at last. Um... 121 00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:14,486 I'm sorry. Due to a cock-up, I have two lunches today, and I'm late for both. 122 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:20,045 Oh, incidentally, Mad, did you hear any more about that other? 123 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,846 Um, yeah. He rang me again last night. 124 00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:25,362 - And? - Yes. Thursday morning. 125 00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:31,284 I'm going to see it through, Barry. My therapist reckons it'll be good for me. 126 00:14:31,447 --> 00:14:34,803 - OK, shall we wend? - Well, I better get back... 127 00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:40,121 Oh, come on! What do you say I take you somewhere really smart for lunch? 128 00:14:45,607 --> 00:14:48,360 Not that it's OTT or anything. 129 00:14:48,527 --> 00:14:50,916 Just stick with me on this one. 130 00:14:51,127 --> 00:14:54,836 Miss Magellan, Mr Creek, how do you do? 131 00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:58,443 Martha Parrish. Would you like to follow me, please? 132 00:15:07,647 --> 00:15:10,161 It's not much further. It's just through here. 133 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,522 Look, I just want a cheese omelette... 134 00:15:12,727 --> 00:15:18,802 Oh! Are you OK? Jonathan, unfortunately, is borderline asthmatic. 135 00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:22,357 - You couldn't give us a second? - Oh, yes. Of course. 136 00:15:22,527 --> 00:15:25,758 I'll just go find Mr Le Fley for you. 137 00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:30,764 Mr Le...? 138 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,798 All right. Where's the mirror? 139 00:15:35,487 --> 00:15:38,797 Just to remind myself what a gullible prat looks like. 140 00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:42,084 All right. All right! 141 00:15:42,247 --> 00:15:45,284 I'll level with you. They don't do omelettes. 142 00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:48,678 Come on! It's a real puzzle. You've read the reports. 143 00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:53,398 - A painting is there one minute, gone the next. - "Take you somewhere smart for lunch. " 144 00:15:53,607 --> 00:15:56,121 - Will I never learn? - Jonathan! 145 00:15:56,327 --> 00:15:59,558 - Just because he's given you iffy reviews... - Death notices! 146 00:15:59,727 --> 00:16:02,446 .. is no reason to pass up a challenge. 147 00:16:03,127 --> 00:16:05,641 But... I hear what you're saying. 148 00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:09,925 It is clearly so impossible, why even try? 149 00:16:10,127 --> 00:16:14,962 It's one of those weird mysteries that'll just never be explained. 150 00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:29,236 That the room down there? 151 00:16:34,647 --> 00:16:38,276 The window's made of some kind of reinforced special glass. 152 00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:43,800 It was never designed to be opened, except where else could they have got in? 153 00:16:43,967 --> 00:16:46,356 Are you two married? 154 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:52,361 - Whatever gave you that idea? - I saw you arguing. 155 00:16:52,527 --> 00:16:56,406 That's right, but we're just arguing in sin. 156 00:16:56,567 --> 00:17:00,560 Mummy and Daddy are always arguing. Sometimes they shout at me and... 157 00:17:00,727 --> 00:17:02,797 Benjamin. 158 00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:07,082 What have you been told about talking to strange men and women? 159 00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:11,084 That's another habit you've picked up from Melissa, isn't it? 160 00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:15,286 His last nanny was a terribly bad influence. We return from two months abroad 161 00:17:15,447 --> 00:17:17,722 and find her fraternising with a mechanic. 162 00:17:17,887 --> 00:17:19,957 The consequences are unthinkable. 163 00:17:20,127 --> 00:17:22,880 - Never trust a man with that sort of grease on his fingers. - Exactly. 164 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:32,163 As for this horror, the police are up a gum tree, 165 00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:39,159 so the £50,000 is there for the taking to anyone who can come up with a positive lead. 166 00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:45,443 Oh, yes... That was the other thing. 167 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:49,316 They are offering a small reward for the painting's return, 168 00:17:49,487 --> 00:17:52,160 which... can't be bad? 169 00:17:55,647 --> 00:17:59,117 Now, you see, this is where I'm sitting, here - 170 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:04,645 not over there, not over there, but here, where I've got a direct line through that door - 171 00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:10,919 eating my lunch, which on Friday comprised a bottle of Lucozade and a Spam sandwich. 172 00:18:12,327 --> 00:18:19,119 When Mrs Parrish came out with those girls, it was there on the wall in its frame. 173 00:18:19,287 --> 00:18:24,156 Half a minute later, when they opened the door, it was gone. 174 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:32,836 And if you're thinking that someone might have stepped in or out without my noticing, well... 175 00:18:33,007 --> 00:18:39,526 When that painting was stolen, there was no one inside that room. 176 00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:44,925 So, you'd come out of the Flemish Gallery and you're standing, what, 177 00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:49,877 looking out of the window, when someone attacked you from behind with a sharp instrument? 178 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,238 As I seem to have told everyone 100 times. 179 00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:56,799 - And then I fell to the ground. - Where? 180 00:18:57,007 --> 00:19:00,795 - Pardon me? - You couldn't show us? 181 00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,162 On the floor? Where you fell? 182 00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:11,204 Exactly. 183 00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:18,203 And that's when you heard whoever it was running away? 184 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:23,686 Presumably into the library, because that's where they found footprints in the dust, 185 00:19:23,847 --> 00:19:28,238 which do not correspond to any shoes worn by members of this household. 186 00:19:28,447 --> 00:19:30,881 Might be worth a shufti. 187 00:19:53,127 --> 00:19:54,526 Interesting... 188 00:19:55,847 --> 00:19:58,759 - Two riddles in one. - How's that? 189 00:20:00,327 --> 00:20:05,640 Setting aside the problem of how our invisible thief got past everyone with a painting, 190 00:20:07,127 --> 00:20:12,360 it's a safe bet he'd be in a hurry to get out, so this doesn't tally. 191 00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:18,164 - What do you mean? - Oh, come on. A child of five could work it out. 192 00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:23,395 I can work it out. Why didn't he go across the carpet? 193 00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:26,958 Exactly. 194 00:20:28,287 --> 00:20:31,882 He's heading for the window, so why go around the room? 195 00:20:32,647 --> 00:20:34,877 Riddle number one. 196 00:20:35,047 --> 00:20:38,562 Riddle number two, why was he walking? 197 00:20:39,247 --> 00:20:42,603 These aren't the footprints of a running man, Mr Le Fley. 198 00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:47,523 Whoever was in this room didn't attack you in the hall. 199 00:20:47,687 --> 00:20:52,920 - Who did you say they were? I've lost track. - Miss Magellan is - have I got this right? - 200 00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:55,078 an investigative crime writer. 201 00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:59,166 - And Mr Creek is... - Creative consultant to Adam Klaus. 202 00:20:59,687 --> 00:21:02,247 You came to one of our shows, remember? 203 00:21:03,607 --> 00:21:07,998 It was "a ragbag of charmless chicanery ill-conceived by witless tricksters 204 00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:11,045 "who seemed to confuse mystery with misery. " 205 00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:17,197 Turn of phrase he's got, hasn't he? So, anyway... 206 00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:22,401 I make no secret of my aversion to your particular art form, Mr Creek. 207 00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:26,156 However, I concede its relevance to the problems in hand. 208 00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:29,723 If you have any insights, we'd be pleased to hear them. 209 00:21:34,287 --> 00:21:36,721 It's a stumper. 210 00:21:36,887 --> 00:21:38,286 No question. 211 00:21:41,607 --> 00:21:43,598 I'm afraid I can't help. 212 00:21:43,807 --> 00:21:47,083 So this been a complete waste of our time? 213 00:21:47,287 --> 00:21:52,156 It's defeated everyone else. Lord knows why we expected these two to fare any better. 214 00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:54,562 I didn't say it'd defeated me. 215 00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,160 I know exactly how your painting disappeared, Mr Le Fley. 216 00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:02,839 I'm just not going to tell you. 217 00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:06,081 Time we were moving. 218 00:22:10,207 --> 00:22:14,883 Fifty thousand green ones, Jonathan. 219 00:22:16,687 --> 00:22:19,565 So, you've clocked it all, basically, 220 00:22:19,727 --> 00:22:23,481 worked it out, but you just want to make him suffer. 221 00:22:23,647 --> 00:22:25,239 Correct. 222 00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:29,675 Don't you think that's being amazingly petty? 223 00:22:31,687 --> 00:22:34,838 Still... I suppose no one can blame you. 224 00:22:35,767 --> 00:22:39,396 The man's a grade-A toss-bag, I can't deny. 225 00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:43,196 Yes. Why don't we make him stew? 226 00:22:43,407 --> 00:22:46,843 Why should we let him know what we know? 227 00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:50,920 What, um... do we know exactly? 228 00:22:51,127 --> 00:22:53,277 Obviously, you can tell me. 229 00:22:57,047 --> 00:22:59,038 Dream on. 230 00:23:00,527 --> 00:23:03,963 "Witless trickster. " That's not far off the mark, is it? 231 00:23:06,607 --> 00:23:11,442 Now, sweetheart, no one's denying your invaluable contribution to the show 232 00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,236 or the unique place you occupy in my affections. 233 00:23:15,407 --> 00:23:19,798 I just have to be careful when meeting Her Majesty about who I bring along. 234 00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:27,878 Which I don't want you to take as any kind of slight, 235 00:23:28,047 --> 00:23:32,199 because I know she would absolutely adore you. 236 00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:49,879 - Lovely. It's been a big help. Thanks a lot. - You're very welcome. 237 00:23:50,087 --> 00:23:53,557 There's no sweat, you know. I'll work it out myself. 238 00:23:53,727 --> 00:23:58,357 I've seen everything you've seen. I'm not a complete and utter moron. 239 00:23:59,367 --> 00:24:01,164 Yes? 240 00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:06,607 - I never said anything. - Look, just give me a leg up to get me started. 241 00:24:06,767 --> 00:24:10,282 Please. Just one tiny clue. 242 00:24:20,567 --> 00:24:25,880 Look to Eric's Spam sandwich. It contains the key to the whole affair. 243 00:24:36,087 --> 00:24:38,237 Sorry about the time. 244 00:24:38,407 --> 00:24:43,720 Guess where I've just come from. Mr Poison Pen, Sylvester Le Fley's, 245 00:24:43,887 --> 00:24:46,037 one of the weirdest set-ups I ever... 246 00:24:51,127 --> 00:24:57,157 Yes, yes. You can tell me later. Did you talk to Larry about the dowels in the coffin? 247 00:24:57,327 --> 00:25:01,320 He'll see. We can't make them too loose or we'll blow the audience inspection. 248 00:25:01,487 --> 00:25:06,242 Just enough so I don't break my spine. Box office is through the roof. Both performances. 249 00:25:06,407 --> 00:25:11,959 Biggest open-air magic show for 70 years. Now, Thursday week, Buckingham Palace. 250 00:25:12,127 --> 00:25:16,120 - Have you come up with anything? - What's to come up with? 251 00:25:16,287 --> 00:25:21,805 You're being presented to the Queen. You just shake your hand, cop your MBE, then off. 252 00:25:21,967 --> 00:25:25,323 No, no, no. It needs a little something to leaven it. 253 00:25:25,527 --> 00:25:32,399 I was toying with an egg from the mouth. Or what about this - a stamp on her tongue? 254 00:25:33,207 --> 00:25:36,836 - A stamp on her...?! Are you insane?! - Come on. It's perfect. 255 00:25:37,007 --> 00:25:40,522 I get her to stick it out. "Oh, what's this, Your Majesty?" 256 00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:43,155 "I know this face. Could you sign this for me?" 257 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:45,835 Big laugh. What do you think? 258 00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:48,922 How could we do that? 259 00:25:53,767 --> 00:25:55,564 Are you winning? 260 00:25:55,767 --> 00:26:00,045 Oh, right. Come to gloat now, I suppose, at my ineptitude? 261 00:26:00,247 --> 00:26:05,196 Oh, come on. You were the one who duped me into going in the first place, 262 00:26:05,367 --> 00:26:09,838 because you knew I'd never help Sylvester Le Fley, reward or no reward. 263 00:26:10,047 --> 00:26:14,359 - So what are you doing back here today? - Figured you still owed me lunch. 264 00:26:15,887 --> 00:26:17,878 Go on, then. 265 00:26:18,047 --> 00:26:21,403 We'll give that Italian round the corner a try. 266 00:26:21,567 --> 00:26:27,005 Just... give me a minute - make some calls, put my face on. I'll be with you. 267 00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:53,758 Of course, there's another school of thought - that you know jack-shit about it. 268 00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:57,363 This is all a bluff to make me feel like a dunce, 269 00:26:57,527 --> 00:26:59,757 while you get to act all superior, 270 00:26:59,927 --> 00:27:04,637 which, according to my analyst, is further evidence of your insecurity complex. 271 00:27:04,807 --> 00:27:06,798 MY insecurity complex? 272 00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:12,487 - Want to know how it was done? - Yes. 273 00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:16,162 - How the painting magically disappeared? - Yes! 274 00:27:16,327 --> 00:27:21,355 - So you can tell him and collect the reward. - Yes, No... All right, then, yes. 275 00:27:21,527 --> 00:27:25,998 Oh, can't we just forget this stupid vendetta and pocket the dosh? 276 00:27:26,167 --> 00:27:29,603 We can make some serious money here. 277 00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:34,716 They're desperate. I know the insurance company are being sticky about the claim. 278 00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:40,439 If I picked up that phone now, I could get him to double that reward... easily. 279 00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:44,160 £100,000, Jonathan. 280 00:27:44,367 --> 00:27:47,006 - You reckon? - I'm sure of it. 281 00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:53,081 So, instead of saying, "Stuff your 50 grand," I could say, "Stuff your 100 grand. " 282 00:27:53,247 --> 00:27:55,238 Even more satisfying. 283 00:27:58,047 --> 00:28:00,038 I surrender. 284 00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:11,398 All right. 285 00:28:12,247 --> 00:28:16,798 As that was a particularly fine linguine, let's have a quick canter through it. 286 00:28:18,807 --> 00:28:23,927 The first girls come out with his secretary. The painting's in view of everyone present. 287 00:28:24,087 --> 00:28:27,921 In 30 seconds, it's cut from its frame and removed from the room. 288 00:28:28,087 --> 00:28:30,078 There's nowhere it could've been hidden. 289 00:28:30,247 --> 00:28:34,286 The thief somehow managed to spirit himself through the gallery without being seen 290 00:28:34,447 --> 00:28:37,439 and knock Le Fley to the floor outside. 291 00:28:37,647 --> 00:28:41,606 The overhead window doesn't open. 292 00:28:41,767 --> 00:28:45,965 Police said there was no sign it had been tampered with. 293 00:28:46,127 --> 00:28:51,155 I don't know... I've been working on every conceivable possibility. 294 00:28:52,087 --> 00:28:56,399 Did it occur to you that someone could cut it without being in the room... 295 00:28:57,447 --> 00:29:01,156 using a high-powered laser through the glass in the ceiling? 296 00:29:02,367 --> 00:29:04,961 You are kidding me?! 297 00:29:05,167 --> 00:29:08,204 'Course I am. The idea's ridiculous. 298 00:29:08,407 --> 00:29:13,481 In fact, this trick was so sublimely simple, you'll wonder why you didn't get it. 299 00:29:13,687 --> 00:29:16,997 For goodness' sake, put me out of my misery. 300 00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:20,682 What was the significance of the sodding Spam sandwich. 301 00:29:20,887 --> 00:29:23,162 Ah! Absolutely. 302 00:29:24,047 --> 00:29:29,246 And, for that matter, what's the significance of the scented room... 303 00:29:30,007 --> 00:29:31,998 which puts another spin on it altogether? 304 00:29:32,167 --> 00:29:34,397 The scented room? 305 00:29:34,967 --> 00:29:38,357 You clocked it. The second we stepped through that door, 306 00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:42,805 a heavy fragrance of something sweet and floral in that drawing room. 307 00:29:42,967 --> 00:29:46,642 That's right, that was coming from the pot-pourri on the table. 308 00:29:48,367 --> 00:29:53,043 You mean pot-pourri, one of the biggest cons of the 20th century? 309 00:29:53,207 --> 00:29:57,723 People pick it up in a shop, what do they do? "Mmm! Smell this one. 310 00:29:57,887 --> 00:30:01,004 "That's sensational! Oh, I'll have some of that. " 311 00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:05,763 Yes, if you shove your face in it. Put some in bowl, you can't smell a thing. 312 00:30:05,967 --> 00:30:09,846 Should be a label - "Only effective when inserted up nostril. " 313 00:30:10,047 --> 00:30:12,686 Is there a point to this? 314 00:30:12,847 --> 00:30:17,045 The point is that the smell wasn't coming from the pot-pourri. 315 00:30:18,087 --> 00:30:22,285 I'm not with you. What are you saying? 316 00:30:22,447 --> 00:30:26,042 That it was someone's perfume that was involved in the robbery? 317 00:30:26,727 --> 00:30:29,560 Perfumes don't hang around like that for two whole days. 318 00:30:29,767 --> 00:30:33,396 Well... what, then? 319 00:30:35,607 --> 00:30:37,598 All right. Mr Creek, is it? 320 00:30:37,767 --> 00:30:41,601 Detective Inspector Roy Gregson. You've got some serious questions to answer. 321 00:30:41,767 --> 00:30:45,999 Yes, actually, Inspector, your services aren't required after all... 322 00:30:46,167 --> 00:30:51,605 Just let me handle this. Are you aware it's an offence to withhold information about a crime? 323 00:30:51,807 --> 00:30:56,039 You can either save yourself grief by telling me everything you know 324 00:30:56,207 --> 00:30:59,756 about the theft of Lady Theresa Cutler's painting... 325 00:31:00,967 --> 00:31:03,640 or we can play hardball. 326 00:31:04,407 --> 00:31:07,205 Why does your ID say "North Thames Gas Board"? 327 00:31:08,927 --> 00:31:13,876 Don't get clever with me or you'll regret it. Failure to disclose evidence is a serious matter. 328 00:31:14,767 --> 00:31:18,362 So is impersonating a police officer. Nice try. 329 00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:23,764 I have to be going. I'll see you in court. 330 00:31:23,927 --> 00:31:29,638 Oh, Jonathan! I had to have a contingency plan. You can't blame me for that. 331 00:31:34,847 --> 00:31:38,317 OK, now you can open them. 332 00:31:40,927 --> 00:31:43,122 What do you think? 333 00:31:45,887 --> 00:31:48,640 You did say you wanted a tree house. 334 00:31:48,927 --> 00:31:51,395 - What's that on the side? - Ah. 335 00:31:52,567 --> 00:31:54,683 A lift. 336 00:31:56,607 --> 00:32:01,601 So you don't get all scratched and tear your clothes climbing up the branches. 337 00:32:06,167 --> 00:32:08,965 Come on. As if we haven't got enough problems... 338 00:32:12,167 --> 00:32:13,566 Sylvester Le Fley. 339 00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:15,758 Mmm... 340 00:32:17,287 --> 00:32:19,084 What? 341 00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:21,717 They are joking, surely to God?! 342 00:32:23,727 --> 00:32:27,083 Well, you tell him I want to speak to him NOW. 343 00:32:27,247 --> 00:32:30,239 Your blasted insurance company aren't buying the painting's disappearance. 344 00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:33,604 They say there isn't enough evidence a crime was committed. 345 00:32:33,767 --> 00:32:37,043 If that Creek does know something, he's bloody well telling us! 346 00:32:53,447 --> 00:32:57,998 What this time? A row of flags coming out of the Duke of Edinburgh's flies? 347 00:32:58,167 --> 00:32:59,486 Jonathan Creek? 348 00:32:59,647 --> 00:33:06,564 Jonathan, I have a multiple choice question. If you could choose the manner of your own death, 349 00:33:06,727 --> 00:33:11,039 would it be A - peacefully in your sleep, B - breathlessly with Nicole Kidman, 350 00:33:11,207 --> 00:33:14,199 or C - being dismembered by a homicidal illusionist? 351 00:33:14,407 --> 00:33:19,959 If C, simply hang up now. If not, get your backside down to Cicada Park tomorrow 352 00:33:20,127 --> 00:33:23,915 and explain to Sylvester and Tweety Pie what happened to their El Greco. 353 00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:27,597 But... I'm sorry. I'm not with any of this. 354 00:33:27,767 --> 00:33:29,997 Then, let me keep it simple. 355 00:33:30,207 --> 00:33:34,598 Lady Theresa Cutler's chairperson of the local Conservative Association. 356 00:33:34,767 --> 00:33:38,123 She wields immense influence upon Westminster Council, 357 00:33:38,287 --> 00:33:42,326 who have the power of life or death over our concert on Saturday. 358 00:33:42,527 --> 00:33:46,964 Our concert in the park has been refused a permit 359 00:33:47,167 --> 00:33:50,364 on discretionary grounds that purport to concern public safety, 360 00:33:50,527 --> 00:33:55,396 but really concern a member of my staff who naïvely thinks he cannot be bought with money. 361 00:33:55,567 --> 00:33:59,276 Wrong, Jonathan. Money can buy anything and anyone. 362 00:33:59,447 --> 00:34:01,961 This is a battle we cannot win, 363 00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:05,517 so surrender your pride and save the show. 364 00:34:05,727 --> 00:34:09,481 By tomorrow lunchtime, Jonathan, I expect to hear good news. 365 00:34:14,687 --> 00:34:16,678 Okey-dokey, my sweet. 366 00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:21,716 E- mail? What's that? I can barely remember my postcode. 367 00:34:22,607 --> 00:34:26,156 Will do, then. Sure. Cheerio. Bye. 368 00:34:26,327 --> 00:34:28,602 Jonathan! To what do we owe? 369 00:34:29,447 --> 00:34:31,677 You're looking lost. 370 00:34:32,727 --> 00:34:37,881 This stolen painting. Something's come up, and I've got to move on it. 371 00:34:38,647 --> 00:34:42,037 I can't track her nibs down this morning for love nor money. 372 00:34:42,207 --> 00:34:46,439 I didn't expect to. I know it's today he's coming down, this Gordon Hill. 373 00:34:47,767 --> 00:34:53,842 I just thought if you had a contact number... If she can put her love life on hold for 24 hours. 374 00:34:54,047 --> 00:34:57,835 - How much has she told you about all this? - About what? 375 00:34:58,047 --> 00:35:00,607 You've known Madeline how long? 376 00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:03,480 A matter of months? 377 00:35:03,847 --> 00:35:08,125 You'll not have scratched her surface yet... so to speak. 378 00:35:08,287 --> 00:35:11,643 You do, you'll find a lot of protective layers, 379 00:35:11,807 --> 00:35:16,005 like she makes it look very easy, but it hasnae been. 380 00:35:16,167 --> 00:35:19,364 You never knew her father. Neither did she. 381 00:35:19,567 --> 00:35:25,244 Her mother... was a wreck, who lived on her nerves. 382 00:35:25,407 --> 00:35:31,323 One day, she was stopped in a store, accused of stealing a packet of bacon. 383 00:35:31,487 --> 00:35:35,275 She said it was all a mistake. Supermarket took her to court. 384 00:35:35,447 --> 00:35:41,443 Next day, she pulled the wire from an electric iron and put it in her mouth. 385 00:35:41,647 --> 00:35:46,402 Maddy came home from work. She was 17. 386 00:35:47,967 --> 00:35:53,041 Ran away after that... to try and put the pain behind her, except it never goes. 387 00:35:53,727 --> 00:35:56,321 It just sits there, 388 00:35:56,527 --> 00:36:01,043 waiting for the day when you'll come back and confront it. 389 00:36:01,767 --> 00:36:05,237 For Maddy, today's that day. 390 00:36:06,767 --> 00:36:09,725 So... who's Gordon Hill? 391 00:37:16,927 --> 00:37:18,918 Lunch break. We've timed it well. 392 00:37:19,087 --> 00:37:25,003 This shouldn't take too long. Just one last piece of the jigsaw and we're all set. 393 00:37:36,847 --> 00:37:42,240 I was told to expect you. You have some news for us, I believe. 394 00:37:42,407 --> 00:37:44,796 Benjamin, you all right? 395 00:37:44,967 --> 00:37:47,640 How would you like to learn another trick? 396 00:37:48,447 --> 00:37:54,795 So on a scale of one to ten, Mr Le Fley, just how baffling would you say this robbery was? 397 00:37:55,007 --> 00:37:58,522 If this is another feeble attempt to antagonise me... 398 00:37:58,687 --> 00:38:00,962 10... 20... 100. 399 00:38:01,127 --> 00:38:04,961 Haven't we all driven ourselves utterly demented trying to figure it out? 400 00:38:05,167 --> 00:38:08,125 All right. Just so we're clear. 401 00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:13,360 No one in any doubt the painting did actually vanish from this room? 402 00:38:13,567 --> 00:38:18,561 I think that's the one factor in this whole blasted business we can be certain of. Why? 403 00:38:18,767 --> 00:38:23,397 Because it's going to make what happens next totally impossible. 404 00:38:23,567 --> 00:38:28,322 If everyone could just leave now except for Benjamin. 405 00:38:28,527 --> 00:38:29,846 - Benjamin? - What? 406 00:38:30,047 --> 00:38:33,164 Indulge him. It usually pays off. 407 00:38:44,287 --> 00:38:47,882 About 30 seconds, I think you said, the door was closed. 408 00:38:48,047 --> 00:38:51,881 - Yes. - If you want to put your watch on... 409 00:39:04,007 --> 00:39:05,599 OK? 410 00:39:11,407 --> 00:39:13,637 It can't be! 411 00:39:15,927 --> 00:39:20,045 Now, remember, Benj. First law of magic - 412 00:39:20,407 --> 00:39:22,637 never tell them how it was done. 413 00:39:23,607 --> 00:39:28,761 The, um... sordid matter of the reward, Lady Theresa. 414 00:39:28,927 --> 00:39:31,202 What? Oh, yes... 415 00:39:31,367 --> 00:39:34,518 It's obviously something I'll have to take up with your son. 416 00:39:34,687 --> 00:39:42,162 Well, then, perhaps you can use it to buy him something he really needs, like... a life. 417 00:39:49,487 --> 00:39:52,081 So... I don't know. 418 00:39:53,887 --> 00:39:58,005 All that stuff about "it'll be really cathartic" 419 00:39:58,807 --> 00:40:01,116 was absolute bollocks in the end. 420 00:40:03,167 --> 00:40:09,515 The only way I could ever get through all the horror in life was to try and forget about it. 421 00:40:11,647 --> 00:40:15,242 I think I might just have stepped in front of that digger 422 00:40:15,847 --> 00:40:19,476 if he hadn't showed up at that point... 423 00:40:19,647 --> 00:40:22,559 to finish that business of the stolen picture. 424 00:40:23,807 --> 00:40:29,564 Do you remember me telling you about it? Talk about the last person I'd ever suspect. 425 00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:33,962 How did you find out? 426 00:40:35,527 --> 00:40:41,557 Through a boring process of watertight logic. The same logic that told me how you did it. 427 00:40:41,727 --> 00:40:44,605 There was no question it was one of you. 428 00:40:44,807 --> 00:40:47,401 What we're still hazy on is why. 429 00:40:52,607 --> 00:40:57,727 You'll have to speak to Melissa, my sister. She'll be round at Geoff's. 430 00:40:57,927 --> 00:41:00,805 So suddenly, I'm thinking, "Melissa, Melissa... " 431 00:41:00,967 --> 00:41:05,882 That name that cropped up earlier, but it took me a minute to remember where. 432 00:41:06,087 --> 00:41:09,682 That's another habit we picked up from Melissa, isn't it? 433 00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:13,441 His last nanny was a terribly bad influence. 434 00:41:13,647 --> 00:41:20,598 Well... was that a tale and a half, when it actually came out in the wash. 435 00:41:20,807 --> 00:41:24,959 For God's sake, Judith. Do you want to get us put away? 436 00:41:25,167 --> 00:41:29,001 We won't rat on you. That's not the object of the exercise. 437 00:41:29,167 --> 00:41:33,445 We know you set all this up to get your own back, 438 00:41:34,527 --> 00:41:38,566 for which I'm sure Jonathan would love to give you a big wet kiss. 439 00:41:38,727 --> 00:41:42,242 I've got no problem giving Sylvester Le Fley a hard time. 440 00:41:42,407 --> 00:41:45,763 I'm curious which of his many charming qualities drove you to it. 441 00:41:48,247 --> 00:41:50,920 They had no idea about that child. 442 00:41:51,087 --> 00:41:53,123 No idea or they didn't care. 443 00:41:53,287 --> 00:41:57,246 They were too into themselves and their ritzy lifestyle gadding round the globe. 444 00:41:57,447 --> 00:42:00,564 Aspen one day, St Moritz the next. 445 00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:04,322 They'd never given Benjy any time, any quality time. 446 00:42:04,487 --> 00:42:07,445 It was like anything he wanted, he could have, 447 00:42:07,607 --> 00:42:13,079 except the one thing he really needed - a mother and father who were prepared to make the effort. 448 00:42:13,287 --> 00:42:16,438 When they were around, she'd often be on this knife-edge, 449 00:42:16,607 --> 00:42:19,838 giving her husband hell over absolutely nothing. 450 00:42:20,007 --> 00:42:24,000 Sometimes she'd get quite violent. Talk about volatile. 451 00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:27,965 Of course, I didn't find favour at all. 452 00:42:29,287 --> 00:42:33,519 I indulged him. Of course I did. I worshipped him. 453 00:42:34,727 --> 00:42:39,676 When they gave me a fortnight's notice, well... there weren't enough tears to cry. 454 00:42:41,167 --> 00:42:45,285 I just thought if there was any way I could put them through it, 455 00:42:45,487 --> 00:42:47,921 deprive them of something they really loved. 456 00:42:48,807 --> 00:42:52,356 Something like a million-pound painting? 457 00:42:52,567 --> 00:42:58,517 To take it without actually stealing it... I've got to say, it was a nice one. 458 00:42:58,727 --> 00:43:02,242 Everyone could see it had vanished, but where to? 459 00:43:02,447 --> 00:43:05,120 The floor and walls didn't offer any clue. 460 00:43:05,327 --> 00:43:10,959 It had to be the window, but how do you get up there and open a window that doesn't open? 461 00:43:12,247 --> 00:43:14,283 Answer - you didn't. 462 00:43:14,447 --> 00:43:16,438 The window had nothing to do with it. 463 00:43:17,687 --> 00:43:21,680 Once you cross that one off, you're down to only one possibility, 464 00:43:21,887 --> 00:43:24,959 which was so gloriously unlikely, it never occurred to anyone. 465 00:43:40,487 --> 00:43:44,844 The contrasting grain on each side told the whole story. 466 00:43:45,247 --> 00:43:50,116 The way the original Spanish builders secured the panels to the frame, 467 00:43:50,287 --> 00:43:53,723 you'd ended up with a door that was technically hollow. 468 00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:57,202 Geoff first saw the possibilities. 469 00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,038 One day, when he was there helping me pack my stuff... 470 00:44:01,207 --> 00:44:03,004 Melissa. 471 00:44:04,927 --> 00:44:09,284 Finding an hour when Eric and Martha were out of the way was easy. 472 00:44:09,967 --> 00:44:15,883 Then it was just a question of opening a slit, a couple of nails that could be swivelled across. 473 00:44:16,047 --> 00:44:19,039 We rehung it. Everything was set. 474 00:44:19,207 --> 00:44:26,124 Judith thought of the idea of the school outing. Who'd suspect a bunch of 12-year-old girls? 475 00:44:26,287 --> 00:44:28,118 So what happened? 476 00:44:28,287 --> 00:44:31,484 Six of you went in but only five came out. 477 00:44:31,647 --> 00:44:35,242 Who's counting schoolgirls? Half a minute's just about enough. 478 00:44:35,447 --> 00:44:38,996 Your pals are outside keeping Martha busy with a few questions. 479 00:44:46,447 --> 00:44:48,597 So when the next group goes in... 480 00:44:48,767 --> 00:44:53,761 and everyone's glued to the empty frame, you merge in with them. 481 00:44:53,967 --> 00:44:56,527 For my money, a world-class trick, 482 00:44:56,687 --> 00:45:00,475 with a delicious irony that all the time he's freaking out, 483 00:45:00,687 --> 00:45:04,077 it's just a few yards away, between two panels of wood. 484 00:45:04,287 --> 00:45:07,120 Like a slice of Spam in a sandwich. 485 00:45:07,327 --> 00:45:09,966 The rest of it we have to guess, 486 00:45:10,127 --> 00:45:15,724 but it's not wide of the mark to imagine Theresa getting ballistic with her husband. 487 00:45:15,887 --> 00:45:18,082 .. you patronising louse! 488 00:45:18,247 --> 00:45:20,238 Oh, my God! I'm sorry! 489 00:45:20,407 --> 00:45:23,922 He dashes inside. Major panic. 490 00:45:24,087 --> 00:45:27,841 Not only is one of their most valuable art treasures gone, 491 00:45:28,007 --> 00:45:30,919 there's not a shred of evidence anyone was in there. 492 00:45:31,087 --> 00:45:33,521 That won't look good on an insurance claim. 493 00:45:33,687 --> 00:45:38,681 The loss adjuster will need more evidence. So what does he come up with? 494 00:45:41,447 --> 00:45:45,281 An imaginary whack from behind by the unseen intruder. 495 00:45:49,767 --> 00:45:52,565 Mr Le Fley! Are you all right? 496 00:45:52,727 --> 00:45:57,164 He's already got the head wound, courtesy of his wife. 497 00:45:57,367 --> 00:45:58,959 It's a gift. 498 00:45:59,127 --> 00:46:02,437 - Eric! - Yes, someone hit me. An intruder... 499 00:46:02,607 --> 00:46:06,361 They come up with another idea before the police arrive. 500 00:46:06,527 --> 00:46:13,160 A set of footprints in the dust on the floor to show where the thief had left the building. 501 00:46:13,327 --> 00:46:17,684 Slight drawback - there wasn't any dust. It'd just been cleaned. 502 00:46:17,847 --> 00:46:20,077 No problem. They just create their own. 503 00:46:34,927 --> 00:46:40,524 Hence the overpowering smell that hit us inside the room. See what I'm saying? 504 00:46:40,687 --> 00:46:44,566 It'd be a brilliant read, if I could actually use it, 505 00:46:44,727 --> 00:46:50,040 but that'd drop the ex-nanny and her sister in it, and we gave our word to keep schtum. 506 00:46:50,207 --> 00:46:54,837 Well, you've got to respect a confidence like that, so... 507 00:46:55,007 --> 00:46:59,683 Sorry. Where was I? You will stop me if I start rambling? 508 00:47:01,807 --> 00:47:05,800 You can't believe a couple like that would ever stay together, 509 00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:09,482 considering there's no communication between them of any kind. 510 00:47:09,687 --> 00:47:13,396 What I can't understand is his complete lack of embarrassment about it. 511 00:47:13,567 --> 00:47:19,244 To turn up at Buckingham Palace with 12 birds concealed about your person is a major error. 512 00:47:20,287 --> 00:47:24,644 That's the death of any relationship, when people stop listening to each other. 513 00:47:24,847 --> 00:47:29,125 Since when has the Royal Family been noted for its puckish sense of humour? 514 00:47:29,327 --> 00:47:32,558 Especially when there's a child involved, there's no excuse. 515 00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:37,124 You just know one will escape and where it will go. 516 00:47:37,287 --> 00:47:41,803 That's why if we ever had a son, it'd work out. We'd make sure it did. 517 00:47:41,967 --> 00:47:47,325 It's the first time in memory the Queen's presented an MBE with a canary up her skirt. 518 00:47:47,487 --> 00:47:50,957 Somehow, I don't think he'll top the bill at the Royal Command. 519 00:47:51,127 --> 00:47:53,766 Ever thought about that, Jonathan, at all? 520 00:47:55,127 --> 00:47:57,595 - Sorry? - Having a family. 521 00:47:57,767 --> 00:48:00,565 Settling down and all that. 522 00:48:01,007 --> 00:48:03,885 Right... Very probably. 523 00:48:09,807 --> 00:48:13,277 What can I smell in here? Is it talcum powd...?