It's hard to find words to describe it.
"Pile of shite" is high on my shortlist. If they'd performed the same play, it would've been a start.
They didn't quite live up to expectations.
If Steve Harrison and Martin Ford get out alive, it'll be a miracle.
What do you think? Join the queue for a refund or can't be arsed?
Large brandy for the road would go down quite well.
Now then, my little poppets. Have you missed me?
I'll bet you're ready for some supper now, aren't you?
- I thought there was a rule about pets here? - Don't. Tragic story.
A friend of mine runs an animal shelter. The lease has just run out.
The owners want £65,000 or they're out on the street.
You know what it's like. What about your contacts?
I said, "Listen, if I could get 65 grand, believe me, you'd have it.
"In the meantime, I'll take two of them off your hands. "
While, presumably, all their friends are put to sl...
Jonathan! They've got ears.
So, come on. Tomorrow afternoon, we all systems go for this chat show?
It's your book. What do they want me there for?
I told you - put me in front of a TV camera, I seize up.
I'll be there to hold your hand.
It's the 19th century.
This guy's one of the greatest living illusionists.
So, he'd have people round his house and open the door to this big cupboard,
inside which is a top hat.
One of the guests would walk into the cupboard, put on the hat and come out again.
Our friend makes magic passes over the hat and tells the guy to walk back into the cupboard,
except now the hat won't go through the door, it just keeps getting knocked off,
which back then was a big laugh.
Queen Victoria wet herself.
And it drove people mad, trying to work out how he'd made it bigger.
The secret was that the entire floor was on a hydraulic lift,
which rose imperceptibly about an inch and a half, making the doorway slightly lower.
A simple parlour trick was actually this fantastically elaborate illusion...
Of course, my starting point for writing this book was to...
That's all it is - not being constrained by the obvious.
A Chinese magician, Chung Ling Soo -
real name William Robinson - did something very similar...
That wasn't too bad. You were right.
- What? - Startled field mouse?
I couldn't get a word in edgeways. And whose idea was this monstrosity?
Well, certainly not mine.
Anyway, fancy a bite to eat somewhere?
Sorry, working, I'm afraid,
on a red-hot story that needs some very careful handling.
Could be a bit out of your league, so... I'll see you around.
Eleven and a half minutes late. Not a promising start.
Well, there was a snarl-up on the East India Dock Road...
Professor Graumann's health is not best served waiting around damp, draughty warehouses.
Hang about. I didn't have to come, you know?
Oh, but you did, Miss Magellan. My note to you last night was... irresistible.
Forgive Miss Farell for being protective.
It's one of her many strengths as my confidante and wisest counsel.
I'm not a furtive man by nature, but hostile forces are closing in upon us,
and we must keep one step ahead.
Your role, as a dispassionate observer, may yet turn out to be pivotal.
Oh. So, do you think we might get down to what this is about
and who it is exactly I'm talking to?
Professor Graumann is, by common acknowledgement,
the world's greatest authority on extraterrestrial phenomena.
The integrity of his insights, based on 35 years' fieldwork, is beyond dispute.
A polite way of persuading you, Miss Magellan, that I'm not a crank.
What you're about to see has been ratified with every means at my disposal... as genuine.
In short, three weeks ago, an artefact came into my possession
that I have good reason to believe is nothing more nor less
than the skeleton of an alien life form.
Oh, you've got to be kidding?
The molecular composition is baffling and, quite frankly, defies analysis.
Physically, the properties are peculiar. The single, unsegmented bone -
if that's what it is - appears to burn human flesh like acid.
Even more fascinating, subjected to certain stimuli,
cells from the tissue sample I took turned out to be organically regenerative.
What does that mean?
It means... we can't be at all certain that it's dead.
It's got the look of a Millwall supporter I once went out with.
Dare we ask where it was found.
Two young palaeontology students were fossil hunting on the eastern rim
of the Painted Desert near the town of Omega in western New Mexico.
Rather than consign it to the black hole of military safekeeping,
they passed it to a contact... of a contact,
who referred it to me for examination.
Of course, knowing the authorities will murder and maim to get it back under lock and key
does put a certain spring in one's step.
- What the hell is it? - Indeed.
And what strange and wonderful worlds did it once know?
Well, time may be short. If you'd like to get some photographs.
- All the copy you need I could supply later. - Yes, of course. Photo...
Oh, bugger. I left the camera in the car. I'll be two ticks.
Cover the area! You men, secure these people!
Remove the casing.
Carefully.
All right. Let's load it.
Don't...!
Get the case back on. Nobody touch it.
GentlyI
You mindless thugs! Can't you see for yourselves, any of you?
You can't lock it away with the others. People have a right to see this.
The world has a right to know about this.
Bastards!
Morning. How was it last night? Didn't get your fingers burnt?
- What do you mean? - Handling a red-hot story.
Never mind. Just wanted to check whether this signing was at one o'clock or two.
Oh, um... two o'clock.
Quite getting into this promotion lark now.
- Isn't it funny, when to begin with...? - Yes, well, see you there. Bye.
- Yes? - You got some photographs.
- That could be useful. - Yes, actually, I was just...
Because they'll deny the operation ever took place.
Of course, it was inevitable we'd lose possession.
On the other hand, you've seen enough, I think,
to present a compelling case to the public.
The challenge now is to show these people we can't be silenced.
Get your coat on. We're taking a ride.
So, let me explain to you how American foreign policy works.
Some guy on the base, his little girl sees a man on TV
who can take two and two that make five and explain how it adds up.
I say if that man can shake any sense out of what happened last night,
he'll be saving me one hell of a headache.
From this moment on, everything you're about to hear is classified.
That means you so much as talk about it in your sleep,
you even dream about it, not only are you deceased, you were never alive.
Do we understand each other?
- Put your arm around him. Smile! - Cheese!
Oi, you! Do you mind? What the hell do you think you're doing?!
I thought Jonathan Creek was coming?
- He is supposed to be. - Where is he, then?
- I don't know. - So when will we see him?
- When he gets here. - When will that be?
- I don't know! Do you want that signed or not? - Not by you.
Well, piss off, then.
I'm sorry, my love. What was your name again?
Trudy.
There we are, then... Trudy.
That's for you.
It looks more like "Turd".
Can't you write properly? I'm not having that one.
Yes. We definitely said two o'clock.
It's not like him. I can't think where he's got to.
So, what's your take on it all, Captain Candy...
life, God, the universe?
Me? I accept there is an all-powerful force
to which we are ultimately responsible for our actions.
It's called Washington. Washington calls to say the skeleton of an EBE has turned up in England.
I'm granted unlimited resources to expedite its recovery
by whatever means I deem necessary.
Meaning?
Meaning everything you ever saw in an Oliver Stone movie is true,
though we wish it were otherwise.
I think you've convinced me. You're not going to get through this lot with a Barclaycard.
So, let's tick them off. It definitely went in - you saw it.
There's no possibility of a switch - you were with the crate for the entire journey.
And yet, when you opened it up, this EB...
- What did you call it? - Extraterrestrial Biological Entity.
.. had either completely vanished...
- Or? - Sorry?
No, that's where it falls down. There is no "or".
I tell you, there was something real weird about this thing.
Not so much what it looked like,
but a feeling to it when you got close up...
like a... kind of aura... that sent a chill right down your spine.
Hell, I don't know. Maybe if it was still alive,
by some process or other, it could pass through matter.
If it was anyone other than Professor Graumann...
- You've heard of this guy before? - Oh, I've heard of him.
Most definitely. And he's clever.
He's very very clever.
Well, sorry. I don't buy that.
He's that smart, he'd have seen us coming and planned ahead.
My guess, it was this woman outside.
- Come again? - Took some photographs we're keen to retrieve.
I can tell you, once we find this lady - which we will - her life's gonna be no merry-go-round.
Yes, well... It's a tricky one, this. I'm going to have to go away and give it some thought.
No problem. And to make sure it doesn't slip your mind,
Sergeant Kribotnik here will be with you at all times to keep things in focus.
Don't worry. He's good at blending into the background.
There's Jonathan now! Shall we go and speak to him?
Excuse me, can we have a picture with you?
Smile, Trudy. Look up, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Sorry. Would you mind? Just... Thanks.
Smile. And another one.
And again.
- There you go, ladies. - Look!
I can't be bothered with this now. They're closing in an hour.
If you want to grab a cup of tea, ask any questions, I'll buy you a sticky bun.
- Fantastic! I know the perfect place. - Where's that?
- My place! - I'll settle for a pizza.
You can sit down if you want.
You know what I always find good for cerebral activity? Herbal tea.
I'll make myself a pot of camomile.
You just continue cerebralising.
- Maddy Magellan. - It's me. Don't start. I've very little time.
Do I take it you've been hunting little green men with Professor Graumann?
Little green what?I
Have you gone completely doolally? Who the hell's Professor Graumann?
I'll take that as a yes. Look, I can't go into details.
- I think it's time we compared notes. - I haven't a clue...
Somewhere between the warehouse and the airbase, this so-called alien did a moonlight flit.
They've roped me in to figure it out. What's worse, they think you might have engineered it,
so I'd cough up those photos and stay out their way.
Moonlight flit?
You mean disappeared? How?
And, more importantly, why?
Answer, fairly obviously, because it had to.
I'm going to need to talk to Graumann. What time can I meet you?
- I'm seeing him at 12. - OK. See you then.
Just as soon as I've worked out a little something here with Mr Kribotnik.
Cheers, Ron. Take it past the farm as far as the sheep dip, then call it a day.
Well, this is a fascinating development. One might almost say messianic.
- The miracle of the empty tomb. - If what they're telling us is on the level.
What? The American authorities lying? Surely not
No, no. We have to believe that despite their every effort, the Omega Man has vanished,
totally and impossibly, and from right under their noses.
And they're embarrassed to the core.
No doubt you have an explanation for where it went to?
Hmm... Existing as we do in three dimensions,
it's hard enough for us to imagine a fourth or fifth,
but consider a sixth dimension, transcending time and space,
where corporal form can be distilled into pure energy.
In physical terms, such beings would simply... disappear.
We know this to be possible from the messages.
- Pardon me? - Periodically, I am contacted
by a spirit consciousness from the Pleiades star group called Sagor.
Through me, he communicates many ideas about life on other worlds.
Phillipa's what we call a channeller, telepathically receptive to many sources,
something not widely understood or, I regret, readily accepted by modern society.
But... come the new age of enlightenment...
Extraterrestrial Biological Entity?
My lunch.
Lucky they had the old video camera running to capture the moment.
Wasn't it?
How can it burn you like that?
I mean, maybe if it got red-hot in the desert, but... in a warehouse?
Together with your material, we've enough to make a splash.
Once I've taken you through all the background, perhaps you'd like to stay for dinner.
Well, that was all very lovely. Here, let me give you a hand.
So, Jonathan Creek... You've heard a great deal from me today.
- What have you to say for yourself? - I'm not sure you'd want to hear it.
Try me.
All right. Let's start with the things we both know as fact.
We know as fact the skeleton went into that crate.
The crate was padlocked and closely watched till it arrived at the base.
We know it was fact that when it was opened, the skeleton of the alien was gone.
And we both know as fact that was no more the skeleton of an alien than my arse.
You see, it's hard for me not to feel a grudging respect for what you do.
We're in the same business. We both trick the public.
The difference is I don't pretend it's real.
You use it,
feed on people's fantasies, superstitions.
You know what they want and you give it to them. An alien skeleton...
That's a good one. I haven't seen that before.
Of course, if anyone besides you gets to examine it, they'll see it's a fake.
So what do you do? You make it vanish...
into thin air, from an armoured truck guarded by six US soldiers.
It's perfect. The Omega Man was not dead...
but has achieved a higher level of being,
a state of pure spirit.
This'll be your Roswell.
Meal ticket for life.
And you don't even deceive yourself. Really, you're a bigger cynic than I am.
You underestimate, I think, man's essential hunger for meaning in the universe.
You also confuse meaning with proof - that one can't exist without the other.
You think our belief in what lies beyond this world is determined by evidence?
No.
The truth isn't out there.
The truth is in here.
We create the truth, all of us,
because we can't live with the fear of being alone.
And little blokes with big heads and three fingers?
Let me get you another brandy.
One can never predict where or when, it just happens.
It's a certain disconnection with reality, and then it's like...
someone whispering in a huge cave.
That's when I feel him inside me.
- Shergar? - Sagor.
Although he's from the constellation of Taurus, he speaks to me in English.
Well, it's good to have a second language.
Afterwards, I transcribe our conversations as accurately as I'm able
for Professor Graumann to study.
They're terribly useful in his research.
You've... got a lot of time for the old professor?
I can think of no greater honour than to work with him. He's utterly unique.
So, the thrust of your argument, if I have it right,
is that I'm nothing more than a glorified conjurer.
An argument that would have more weight if you could show me how I performed this trick.
Of course, that's where you've got me. I can't.
- Even if you'd had an accomplice on the truck... - Come on. Give me more credit than that.
Ah. You concede, then, it was a trick.
You'll have to work harder than that, Mr Creek.
Still, the universe is a rather large place. Let me try and narrow down your search.
Consider the nine planets in our solar system.
Consider one of the nine...
that's very cold.
It may help in your deliberations.
Hi. Can you help us trace a young lady who buys camera film here?
She'll be about 5'2", 130lb, short red hair.
I'm sorry. I think I've got alien overload now, what with her and her voices.
She has got a real problem, poor woman.
As for the rest of it...
Oh, God! Just set the alarm for Christmas.
Hello?
"Consider the nine planets and one of the nine that's very cold. "
He was telling me, for God's sake, how he did it. What does it mean?
Planet that's very cold?
What are the outer planets of the solar system? Saturn, Uranus, Neptune...
I have to walk about, get some air.
Forgive me if I don't wait up.
Well, good evening, Miss Magellan.
You can't keep me here. I'm a British citizen.
This is a farce. You don't really think it was an alien, so what does it matter...?
It matters that we close the file.
Till we do, a lot of suits back home get very twitchy.
I get twitchy. Everyone here is twitchy.
Well, look, Professor Graumann...
.. is on our list of interviewees, have no worries.
But, hey, just for fun, we thought we'd start with you.
Jonathan, if you can hear me, will you please pick up the phone... now?
Only I'm in a slight spot of bother today.
You know this woman?
Well, I know of her.
Who doesn't? If I could just have a few minutes.
I demand you get your boss in here now. I want to take the Fifth Amendment.
What is the Fifth Amendment?
All night they've had me in here. Didn't get a wink of sleep.
One of the nine planets...
Of course, he could be talking about Earth, but then why very cold?
Just trying to make me stew.
The coldest of the planets, of course, would be Pluto.
Jonathan!
- Sorry? - I'm getting seriously worried here!
You don't know what they'll do to extract information.
What if they use a truth drug?
- It wouldn't stand a chance. - Thank you. You're really settling my nerves.
There's an answer somewhere in this riddle of his. If I could just...
Oh, never in a million years! He couldn't have.
What? You've sussed it?
How?
One of the nine. Sometimes it pays to be literal rather than lateral.
Excuse me? I couldn't have one last look at that shed?
So, listen. You know what I think?
I think you stole this thing, so you could sell it for a very large sum of money.
- No, I've told you, I... - I think you're just pretending to be stupid.
That's not true! I definitely...
I mean... I am not pretending anything!
I haven't done anything. I don't know anything.
Please can I go home?
Come in.
- Captain Candy. Sorry about the delay. - As are we all, Mr Creek.
- If you're through wasting our time... - I know where it is.
So far, your assistance has fallen some way short of...
- Pardon me? - The EBE.
- It just depends how badly you want it back. - What is this...?
- Because it'll cost $100,000. - What?
The fee for my services.
You said something about unlimited resources at your disposal.
First, we recover the property, then we'll discuss terms.
OK, Miss Magellan. Nice knowing you.
- Wh...? What? Sorry? - Goodbye.
What, you...? You mean I'm free to...?
Unless you want to hang about here all day.
Morning. I'm sorry, was the Professor expecting you?
Oh, I don't imagine there's much takes him by surprise.
Come to commend him on his ingenuity. A fine piece of technical trickery.
- Trickery? What do you mean by that, exactly? - Phillipa.
My notes on the Filingdale sightings, can we get a copy off to Michael?
Yes, of course. I'll e-mail it now.
I'll tag along, if you don't mind.
You have an air of triumph about you this morning.
My clue was a risk, though it would have defeated most men.
But I was keen to test your powers.
You've shared your findings, of course, with our American friends.
Or they'd have been on our backs forever more.
Of course, they're basically philistines.
The sheer elegance of it went for nothing.
It's been proved the alien was a hoax, end of story.
Shame, because from a design aspect, it had some nice quirky features -
the strange silvery colour, the single unsegmented bone.
Except they weren't just quirky features, they were the cornerstone of the whole trick.
A comment the Captain made, "Just looking at it sent a chill down your spine. "
The fact that it could burn human flesh and still I couldn't see it...
until you gave me that thought to chew upon - one of the nine planets that's very cold.
So, naturally, I think of the ones furthest from the sun. Wrong.
The words had another more direct meaning.
One of the nine was just that... number one.
The first planet, counting outwards from the sun, is Mercury,
which, of course, makes it the hottest - Mercury the planet.
But mercury the element - quicksilver -
if I remember my chemistry, has one or two very odd properties.
It's the only metal to remain liquid at room temperature.
To get solid mercury, you have to take it all the way down to... I don't know.
- Minus 38.87 Celsius. - Which is exactly what you did.
Of course, one has specialist back-up to put these ideas into operation.
Much the same as yourself, I imagine.
To your average punter, a figure made out of frozen mercury is like nothing on this earth.
Better yet, leave it out of the fridge for more than a short while, it can do something magical.
It can disappear like an ice cube in the sun.
You knew those troops would show up. It was probably you who tipped them off.
Of course, the case was chilled. Anyone near it would feel a shiver when the top comes off.
And at that temperature, anyone who touches it is gonna get a nasty burn.
But then it's disconnected, locked in a crate.
By the time they get it back to base, after a long ride inside a hot trunk,
the whole thing's safely melted down inside the base of that crater.
To all intents and purposes, it's vanished.
The only evidence it ever existed, a few photos
and that video footage you mocked up using a duplicate skeleton.
More than enough, I imagine, to pack them in on your lecture tours around the world.
Have I left anything out?
In many ways, the most important thing of all.
So, how long have you worked for him now, Professor Graumann?
To tell the truth, I've lost track of the years,
just as I've tried to blot out everything that went before.
Quite simply, he saved me - from the world and everyone in it.
When you have a special gift as I do, people are inclined to...
Well, you can imagine the hurtful things they come out with.
To find someone who was different,
who understood, was more than I had a right to hope for.
He and I, of course, we aren't...
No.
I just know that if anyone ever said or did anything to destroy him,
it would be the end of us both.
The greatest pain sometimes comes from our own self-knowledge...
.. what we are in the eyes of others, what we know ourselves to be.
There are many falsehoods upon which we build our lives,
not all of them to be condemned.
Expose me, my work, as you like, but...
as I said to you before, belief is indomitable.
You'll never stop men reaching for the stars in search of their destiny.
We were born to explore the heavens, to seek, to probe,
until one day... What?
We have a telescope powerful enough to see God.
The only limits of human endeavour are the limits of our own imagination.
- Yeah, well... - So, we'll leave you to it.
Time's getting on, and, um...
Well, good luck with it all.
- Something up? - No.
What is it?
Nothing.
- Better make a move, then, I suppose. - OK.
And I'll see you around.
So, they coughed it up, then, did they?
- Sorry? - The fee for your services.
$100,000.
Oh. They did, actually. Thought I was chancing my arm,
but US Government, a drop in the ocean as far as they're concerned...
- What? - Don't know.
Just came a bit out of left field, that one.
- Just shows how little I really know you. - Yeah, well, in point of...
Still, set you up nicely to impress all those teenage girlies.
You can take them for a ride in your Porsche.
- Yes, I don't quite see myself... - Bye, then.
You bastard.
You utter, complete bastard.