1 00:01:15,638 --> 00:01:18,027 Here we go, my angel. 2 00:01:23,438 --> 00:01:27,272 - It's too strong again. - The stronger the better. 3 00:01:27,438 --> 00:01:30,430 I can't seem to wake up these mornings. 4 00:01:30,598 --> 00:01:35,228 Anyone who's had a coronary bypass and a leg bitten off by a crocodile 5 00:01:35,398 --> 00:01:38,151 is allowed to feel a bit wobbly first thing. 6 00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:42,709 You're here to convalesce, Kathleen. Don't fight it. 7 00:01:42,878 --> 00:01:47,952 How was your post? Anything on that calendar in...? Where was it? 8 00:01:48,118 --> 00:01:50,154 Hawaii? Didn't get it. 9 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:54,755 They're a bugger to photograph, waterfalls. Will not keep still. 10 00:01:54,918 --> 00:01:59,070 - Here we are. A nice cup of mud. - Thank you. 11 00:02:09,238 --> 00:02:11,627 Christine. All done for the day? 12 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:16,997 Yeah. I'd better shift myself, I suppose. Get sir's lunch on. 13 00:02:17,718 --> 00:02:20,869 How's your house guest? On the mend? 14 00:02:21,038 --> 00:02:25,156 Constitution of an ox - Kathleen. 15 00:02:25,318 --> 00:02:27,957 She'll see us all off. 16 00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:37,471 Good morning. Got room for me to squeeze my bottom in? 17 00:02:37,638 --> 00:02:42,428 - Unless you want to squeeze it for me, Tom? - I don't think so. 18 00:02:51,518 --> 00:02:53,986 What's got their goat? 19 00:02:56,638 --> 00:02:59,436 It's not exactly the parish newsletter. 20 00:03:23,278 --> 00:03:26,588 Are people full of crap round here or what?! 21 00:03:26,758 --> 00:03:31,627 Like I'm supposed to feel bad for having a bit of fun in my life? 22 00:03:31,798 --> 00:03:36,349 And don't tell me they're not gagging for all the tasty details. 23 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:42,836 The way I see it, God gave me a beautiful body. 24 00:03:42,998 --> 00:03:47,355 And he gave it to me for a reason. To bring people pleasure. 25 00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:50,510 Which you did on a very regular basis. 26 00:03:50,678 --> 00:03:56,196 I don't see any reason to be ashamed of it and I'm not going to apologise for it. 27 00:03:57,798 --> 00:04:01,473 Repent, you harlot! Or be damned for eternity! 28 00:04:01,638 --> 00:04:06,348 All right, Mrs Gibson! We don't need any of that talk. 29 00:04:07,238 --> 00:04:10,913 The things people get off on. Did you read this tosh? 30 00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:15,469 "When making love, a well-known MP could only achieve a climax 31 00:04:15,638 --> 00:04:19,472 "if I dressed as a traffic warden and stuck these penalty notices to his glasses." 32 00:04:19,638 --> 00:04:22,436 Good thing he didn't ask to be clamped. 33 00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:27,228 A bloke I went out with got turned on by women in quicksand. 34 00:04:27,398 --> 00:04:33,667 Weird or what? Apparently, it's a recognised fetish, with websites and everything. 35 00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:39,674 He had the nerve to ask me if I'd get into a bath full of Ready Brek! 36 00:04:39,838 --> 00:04:44,070 I mean, do me a favour. And listen to this. 37 00:04:44,798 --> 00:04:48,871 "On our first night, he warned me that he'd got a dicky heart. 38 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:52,269 - "He'd certainly got a hearty d... " - Look! 39 00:04:52,438 --> 00:04:57,432 I can't do this if you're just going to keep gabbling away like Ena Sharples! 40 00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:03,946 I can't do it anyway. This whole thing was a hideous mistake. Where are my socks? 41 00:05:04,118 --> 00:05:08,669 Come on. I thought we'd made a breakthrough here. 42 00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:12,433 Like we'd agreed. We were just going to go for it. 43 00:05:12,598 --> 00:05:16,432 Stop dithering about, dive in and see what happens. 44 00:05:16,598 --> 00:05:21,353 It's hard to rise to the occasion when you lie there guzzling Curly Wurlies. 45 00:05:21,518 --> 00:05:26,387 - Talk about Bessie Bunter. - Pardon? One single Curly Wurly. 46 00:05:32,278 --> 00:05:34,587 Yes, all right. 47 00:05:34,758 --> 00:05:36,908 So I get hungry in the night. 48 00:05:38,718 --> 00:05:42,347 It's half past three! Which is another thing. 49 00:05:42,518 --> 00:05:46,716 Not a good time for me. Bad for my cicadian rhythms. 50 00:05:46,878 --> 00:05:49,631 So I'm just left here high and dry, am I? 51 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,315 What a surprise. 52 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:59,428 I don't know. You may be right. Probably is the worst thing we could ever do. 53 00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:02,192 - Exactly. - What do you mean? 54 00:06:02,358 --> 00:06:06,192 It's the meeting of minds that's important, isn't it? 55 00:06:06,358 --> 00:06:11,955 Of all the people you'd have sex with, how many would you want to have a coffee with? 56 00:06:13,398 --> 00:06:16,674 It's much rarer to find someone... 57 00:06:19,198 --> 00:06:23,191 - What the hell is this? - I've been meaning to mention that. 58 00:06:23,358 --> 00:06:26,156 "Delighted to hear you'll both be joining us 59 00:06:26,318 --> 00:06:30,709 "for our 17th annual Mystery Writers' Convention on June 25th 60 00:06:30,878 --> 00:06:35,315 "at the Trench View Hotel, Rigglesworth... " That's Thursday. 61 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:40,836 "You'll meet members of the Jonathan Creek Fan Club, who are all thrilled to bits... " 62 00:06:40,998 --> 00:06:43,796 Jonathan Creek Fan Club? This is a wind up. 63 00:06:43,958 --> 00:06:46,313 No. It'll be brilliant. 64 00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:50,107 There'll be all sorts of people there. Danny de Vito. 65 00:06:50,278 --> 00:06:54,635 He's filming at Elstree, says he's going to pop by to present an award. 66 00:06:54,798 --> 00:07:00,634 It'll be a real blast. There's all kinds of aficionados out there we don't know about. 67 00:07:01,758 --> 00:07:03,988 That's what worries me. 68 00:07:17,678 --> 00:07:21,671 Thanks for doing the potatoes! That's been a big help. 69 00:07:21,838 --> 00:07:25,353 What have you been so engrossed in all morning? 70 00:07:26,478 --> 00:07:28,946 - As if I need to ask. - Sorry? 71 00:07:29,118 --> 00:07:33,430 Come on. You know full well it's the convention on Thursday. 72 00:07:33,598 --> 00:07:37,989 I'll look a right prat if I haven't got any intelligent questions to ask. 73 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:41,116 We don't want you looking like a prat, Jeff! 74 00:07:42,318 --> 00:07:45,947 Why did you have to pick that creep as a role model? 75 00:07:46,118 --> 00:07:49,269 You don't even know his name. It's Creek. 76 00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:52,111 Because he's cerebral, he thinks. 77 00:07:52,278 --> 00:07:56,590 He uses logic like a laser to rationalise the irrational, 78 00:07:56,758 --> 00:08:00,353 explain the most inexplicable mysteries known to man. 79 00:08:00,518 --> 00:08:05,911 That'll be a handy talent to have round here, where nothing mysterious ever happens! 80 00:08:06,078 --> 00:08:10,276 Now, do something useful and pick up this potato peeler. 81 00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:25,632 Do I really deserve it, Rupert? All this poison? 82 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:28,835 Darling, it's no more or less than the truth. 83 00:08:28,998 --> 00:08:33,469 People should be prepared to stand up for their indiscretions. 84 00:08:36,238 --> 00:08:40,231 I can always rely on you to say the right thing. 85 00:08:47,638 --> 00:08:51,108 Perhaps I should give this lawn a quick trim. 86 00:09:03,878 --> 00:09:06,028 - Morning. - Good morning. 87 00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:09,747 - Got a couple of late ones for you. - Splendid. 88 00:09:09,918 --> 00:09:12,671 And I'll need a signature on this one. 89 00:09:47,478 --> 00:09:49,275 Oh, my God! 90 00:09:50,558 --> 00:09:53,231 Jacqui! Jacqui! 91 00:10:53,038 --> 00:10:57,793 Welcome to our 17th Mystery Writers' Convention. 92 00:10:59,198 --> 00:11:02,668 - Hey, Danny de Vito! What did I tell you? - Where? 93 00:11:02,838 --> 00:11:05,750 - Over there. - Wait a minute. 94 00:11:12,158 --> 00:11:13,750 - Wait... - Mr Creek. 95 00:11:13,918 --> 00:11:19,948 We're so glad to see you and Miss Magellan. Daphne Bywater. Your group are over here. 96 00:11:20,118 --> 00:11:22,552 All ready and waiting. 97 00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:26,347 They've got masses to ask you about your cases. 98 00:11:26,518 --> 00:11:32,036 For me, I've got to say, the classic locked room was Jack Holiday in the bunker. 99 00:11:33,238 --> 00:11:38,631 My only problem, if Rokesmith so mured himself with all the tools and rubble, 100 00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:41,437 how come he misses the cotton wool? 101 00:11:41,598 --> 00:11:43,236 Good point. 102 00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:46,947 Unless it's like some deeper instinct. 103 00:11:47,118 --> 00:11:52,192 Rokesmith's id wanted to leave a clue behind to see if anyone could work it out. 104 00:11:52,358 --> 00:11:55,156 To show us all how clever he'd been. 105 00:11:57,078 --> 00:11:58,591 Right. 106 00:11:58,758 --> 00:12:03,388 The old telltale id. You may just have cracked it there, Colin. 107 00:12:04,518 --> 00:12:09,228 - We'd better wind things up. - Unless you have more questions? 108 00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:14,148 I'm going to get you for this. 109 00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:23,386 Four hours in a wigwam with a bunch of sad acts who know more about me than I do. 110 00:12:23,558 --> 00:12:28,678 Two live in windmills. It's one step away from Travis Bickle in "Taxi Driver"! 111 00:12:28,838 --> 00:12:31,830 Don't blame me if it ends up in a bloodbath. 112 00:12:33,118 --> 00:12:34,870 DannyI DannyI 113 00:12:40,878 --> 00:12:45,793 OK. 30 seconds, everybody, before we get back to our seats. 114 00:12:47,118 --> 00:12:48,870 A late arrival. 115 00:12:51,878 --> 00:12:55,996 Jonathan, hi. Oh, man, fantastic. 116 00:12:56,158 --> 00:13:00,674 Jeff Torrance. Huge, huge fan. How are you doing? 117 00:13:01,318 --> 00:13:03,070 Wow. 118 00:13:05,478 --> 00:13:08,311 Sorry I didn't make it before, but... 119 00:13:09,278 --> 00:13:12,270 This is the weirdest, weirdest thing. 120 00:13:12,438 --> 00:13:16,431 Before I came out, something just happened where I live... 121 00:13:16,598 --> 00:13:19,112 Maybe this is fate or something... 122 00:13:19,998 --> 00:13:22,512 - Maybe it is. - Sorry? 123 00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:26,671 Do you believe it's possible for someone on the verge of death 124 00:13:26,838 --> 00:13:31,070 to leave their own body and appear in another place? 125 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:38,787 So how do we explain the fact that a woman who was in hospital, in a coma, 126 00:13:38,958 --> 00:13:41,711 with half her face burnt off, 127 00:13:41,878 --> 00:13:47,589 was seen walking down the road last night, totally unscathed, on her way to church? 128 00:13:49,518 --> 00:13:53,306 OK. I think we're all ready for you again, so... 129 00:13:53,478 --> 00:13:58,598 Actually, bit of a bummer, something's just come up and we've got to dash. 130 00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,830 - Yes, it's a... - Big, big mystery. 131 00:14:01,998 --> 00:14:06,435 - Baffling beyond belief, actually. - Got to snap into action. 132 00:14:06,598 --> 00:14:08,589 Nice meeting you all. 133 00:14:10,758 --> 00:14:13,795 - Where are we going? - Linnet's Hill. 134 00:14:13,958 --> 00:14:17,428 - You can follow me back. - We came on the train. 135 00:14:17,598 --> 00:14:20,510 No problem. I'll give you a lift. 136 00:14:29,398 --> 00:14:31,912 - Back already? - Promise not to faint. 137 00:14:36,638 --> 00:14:40,347 - Told them about Jacqui. - Oh, right. 138 00:14:41,558 --> 00:14:44,755 - Why you do what you do is beyond me. - Sorry? 139 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:49,070 Dress up as a person you've never even met. Look at you. 140 00:14:49,238 --> 00:14:51,957 You even grow your hair like the guy. 141 00:14:52,118 --> 00:14:53,676 Christine... 142 00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,628 This is... 143 00:15:00,078 --> 00:15:03,150 - Oh. - I know what you mean. 144 00:15:03,318 --> 00:15:08,233 I don't know if you've caught any of this Jacqui Jordan stuff in the press. 145 00:15:08,398 --> 00:15:13,711 "The night I was spanked by an Arsenal striker"? Was she a model in the '70s? 146 00:15:13,878 --> 00:15:18,633 And professional bed hopper before she settled down here as the country wife. 147 00:15:18,798 --> 00:15:24,748 Nobody deserved that. I was there when it exploded. It was like her face was on fire. 148 00:15:24,918 --> 00:15:28,831 - Then today I was round at Vince's... - In Crooked Lane. 149 00:15:28,998 --> 00:15:33,389 He's got this friend staying who's a British Mother Theresa. 150 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:37,028 Got to be in her 70s, but still sharp as a needle. 151 00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:42,989 That's why it's so spooky. She's the last person who'd ever make a thing like this up. 152 00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:48,551 She says that at 7.30 last night, when Jacqui was in hospital, in intensive care, 153 00:15:48,718 --> 00:15:51,915 she had a conversation with her in the garden. 154 00:15:56,518 --> 00:16:02,115 40 years of Christian aid work around the world, I've seen my share of spells and sorcery, 155 00:16:02,278 --> 00:16:04,746 but nothing quite like this. 156 00:16:04,918 --> 00:16:07,432 I remember a witch doctor in Bali, 157 00:16:07,598 --> 00:16:11,637 he said he could make a volcano erupt by rubbing a snake. 158 00:16:11,798 --> 00:16:15,074 When he took me in his hut to show me how... 159 00:16:15,238 --> 00:16:19,914 Yes. You've done the rounds since we first met a hundred years ago, 160 00:16:20,078 --> 00:16:22,308 when I was a cameraman in telly. 161 00:16:22,478 --> 00:16:27,268 My first documentary was about this lady's work. We've been chums ever since. 162 00:16:28,358 --> 00:16:32,954 After her operation, I thought a few weeks in the country might perk her up. 163 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:37,157 Yesterday was the first time we tried outside for some fresh air. 164 00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:39,468 I was nagged, to be honest. 165 00:16:39,638 --> 00:16:45,031 Just lying here all day with my books and my music has been bliss. 166 00:16:45,198 --> 00:16:50,909 Pottering away at the old memoirs. And then, at six o'clock, in he comes. 167 00:16:56,878 --> 00:17:03,147 Time to stir your stumps, - or in my case, stump - and have tea in the front garden. 168 00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:08,155 It was a rather nice summer's evening. 169 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:12,994 Quite cool and refreshing and just what I needed to liven myself up. 170 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,626 Till that wretched wasp came along. 171 00:17:15,798 --> 00:17:17,789 Ow! 172 00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:22,031 It's OK. I've got some stuff inside. Usually does the trick. 173 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,390 Hi. 174 00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:51,390 You must be Vince's... 175 00:17:54,478 --> 00:17:57,754 You once worked as a missionary or something? 176 00:17:57,918 --> 00:18:00,796 Or something. Kathleen Gilmore. 177 00:18:00,958 --> 00:18:04,473 - Sorry, I can't get up... - No, no. 178 00:18:04,638 --> 00:18:08,392 - I'm Jacqui. - It's nice to meet you, Jacqui. 179 00:18:08,558 --> 00:18:11,516 Come and have some lemon squash. 180 00:18:13,038 --> 00:18:17,634 I suppose you haven't heard what they're all calling me round here 181 00:18:17,798 --> 00:18:20,266 since I sold my story to the papers? 182 00:18:20,438 --> 00:18:23,430 - Cheesy flake? - Sorry? Oh... 183 00:18:23,598 --> 00:18:26,317 Quite right. Horrid things. 184 00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:34,788 Why, what have you been up to that's so terrible? 185 00:18:36,878 --> 00:18:39,346 Let me see if I can guess. 186 00:18:40,478 --> 00:18:45,836 Like a lot of young women, you've used your looks to get ahead in life 187 00:18:45,998 --> 00:18:50,196 and didn't care too much who you hurt along the way. 188 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:54,112 And now, finally... 189 00:18:55,118 --> 00:18:57,916 you're feeling some of their pain. 190 00:19:01,878 --> 00:19:04,676 I've lived in this village seven years... 191 00:19:05,958 --> 00:19:09,155 and never once set foot inside the church. 192 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,352 I don't know... 193 00:19:13,518 --> 00:19:15,588 I just wondered... 194 00:19:16,998 --> 00:19:19,671 today whether... 195 00:19:23,318 --> 00:19:26,276 .. but maybe it's already too late. 196 00:19:26,438 --> 00:19:30,431 What? You think God's got to rush off somewhere? 197 00:19:32,758 --> 00:19:35,272 If you've got something to say... 198 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:38,989 I promise you, he's ready to listen. 199 00:19:51,198 --> 00:19:55,953 From where I was sitting, I had a perfect view of the church clock. 200 00:19:56,118 --> 00:19:58,678 I glanced at it as she left. 201 00:19:58,838 --> 00:20:01,398 It was just coming up to 7.40pm. 202 00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:04,550 That's where it's all shot to high heaven, 203 00:20:04,718 --> 00:20:10,031 because Jacqui had been in a coma since lunchtime, when the lawnmower went up. 204 00:20:10,198 --> 00:20:15,591 I spoke to Rupert this afternoon. There's no change. She's still critical. 205 00:20:15,758 --> 00:20:18,830 - Rupert? - Bless him, the old darling. 206 00:20:18,998 --> 00:20:21,671 He absolutely worshipped her. 207 00:20:21,838 --> 00:20:25,956 What she saw, God only knows. It's like my missus. 208 00:20:26,118 --> 00:20:32,068 PhD in Medieval History and she runs off with a man who makes balloon animals. 209 00:20:33,518 --> 00:20:36,988 The guts are just suddenly ripped out of your life. 210 00:20:37,158 --> 00:20:40,867 I suppose you just have to find a way of dealing with it. 211 00:20:41,038 --> 00:20:43,916 And this happened where exactly? 212 00:20:44,078 --> 00:20:47,354 You can't see it from there. That's the wild bit. 213 00:20:47,518 --> 00:20:50,555 It's on the front lawn, next to the lane. 214 00:20:50,718 --> 00:20:56,748 And she had the same clothes on she went to hospital in? They weren't burnt or...? 215 00:20:56,918 --> 00:20:59,796 The only thing I did notice - 216 00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:03,268 the bottoms of her trousers were a bit damp. 217 00:21:03,438 --> 00:21:07,272 - Damp how far up? - A few inches. 218 00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:11,110 I don't know. Perhaps it's me... 219 00:21:11,878 --> 00:21:15,154 my faith that's being tested here. 220 00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:22,588 Whether she was flesh and blood or something else... 221 00:21:24,798 --> 00:21:27,517 I know I didn't dream it. 222 00:21:27,678 --> 00:21:32,877 This woman was out there in the garden yesterday evening. 223 00:21:45,198 --> 00:21:50,226 Where do you pick holes in this? The witness appears to be pathologically honest. 224 00:21:50,398 --> 00:21:54,949 - It doesn't add up. - If we look at prima facie evidence. 225 00:21:55,118 --> 00:21:57,996 What if we run with a more lateral hypothesis? 226 00:21:58,158 --> 00:22:03,630 That the woman in hospital behind those bandages is not Jacqui Jordan at all... 227 00:22:04,558 --> 00:22:07,118 - but someone else. - How do you get that? 228 00:22:14,078 --> 00:22:15,557 OK. 229 00:22:17,078 --> 00:22:22,277 This is the shed, right... she went into... 230 00:22:26,158 --> 00:22:29,116 when you arrived with the mail. 231 00:22:31,198 --> 00:22:36,352 Given that you and Rupert were both here when the fire start... Yeah? 232 00:22:36,518 --> 00:22:40,227 Why am I delivering a letter to Clement Attlee? 233 00:22:40,398 --> 00:22:43,117 Because I didn't have a photo of Rupert. 234 00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:45,951 It's purely representational, OK? 235 00:22:46,918 --> 00:22:48,715 Can I continue? 236 00:22:49,678 --> 00:22:53,227 By my reckoning, we have a blind area here 237 00:22:53,398 --> 00:22:59,712 where she could just have got away out of the garden without being seen. 238 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:02,472 Sorry, Jeff, you're racing ahead of me. 239 00:23:02,638 --> 00:23:05,914 - She's got an almost identical woman... - Right. 240 00:23:06,078 --> 00:23:08,546 .. same build, same hair, same clothes... 241 00:23:08,718 --> 00:23:12,472 - Right. - .. to swap places with her in the shed... 242 00:23:12,638 --> 00:23:15,106 For what reason exactly? 243 00:23:20,718 --> 00:23:23,710 She normally get a stunt double to cut the grass? 244 00:23:25,358 --> 00:23:28,350 I think we've got doppelgangers on the brain. 245 00:23:28,518 --> 00:23:33,911 Well, it's obviously not going to get solved in five minutes, so... 246 00:23:34,078 --> 00:23:39,232 What do you say we put you up for the night? You can come back to it in the morning. 247 00:23:39,398 --> 00:23:44,347 We've got a spare double bed, so no problem with the sleeping arrangements. 248 00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:44,947 - I see what you mean about the Last Supper. - You don't know the half of it. 249 00:24:45,118 --> 00:24:47,678 It's an obsession. 250 00:24:47,838 --> 00:24:50,875 Not that I've got anything against Jonathan. 251 00:24:51,038 --> 00:24:55,907 When you get to meet the genuine article, he's actually quite er... 252 00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:58,751 - I know. - Oh. 253 00:24:58,918 --> 00:25:03,514 I didn't do the wrong thing last night? I assumed you two were like... 254 00:25:03,678 --> 00:25:07,034 Batman and Robin? Yes, that's about right. 255 00:25:07,198 --> 00:25:10,508 Morning. You're not hanging about, then? 256 00:25:10,678 --> 00:25:15,149 Such a dirty trick. Sleep with someone then piss off first thing. 257 00:25:17,078 --> 00:25:20,229 So, what's our plan of campaign today? 258 00:25:20,398 --> 00:25:24,437 I suppose we'd better check out the husband. Rupert? 259 00:25:24,598 --> 00:25:28,910 While you're there, get him to show you his magazines. 260 00:25:29,078 --> 00:25:31,387 What magazines? 261 00:25:37,758 --> 00:25:42,354 At the last count, it was running well into 30,000. 262 00:25:42,518 --> 00:25:45,954 From 1970, I have every major British title - 263 00:25:46,118 --> 00:25:51,272 "Mayfair", "Hustler", "Carnival", "Nugget" and so on. All mint. 264 00:25:51,438 --> 00:25:54,714 "American Glamour" is all on this wall here. 265 00:25:57,438 --> 00:26:02,512 This is an extremely rare "Hot Jugs and Hooters" from the American Bible Belt. 266 00:26:02,678 --> 00:26:06,148 Cancelled after one issue. Most copies were burned. 267 00:26:06,318 --> 00:26:09,276 Amazing. I won't ask what's on the top shelf. 268 00:26:09,438 --> 00:26:13,795 I have complete runs of all the late '50s, '60s collectibles. 269 00:26:13,958 --> 00:26:18,236 "Snip Snap", "Swank", "Spanky", "Tip Top", "Hotspot", "Nylon Jungle". 270 00:26:18,398 --> 00:26:21,993 "Flirt and Squirt". That brings back memories. 271 00:26:22,158 --> 00:26:25,195 - "Flirt and Skirt". - Oh, yes. Sorry. 272 00:26:25,358 --> 00:26:27,952 Thinking of another publication entirely. 273 00:26:28,118 --> 00:26:33,351 So there you were one day cataloguing one of these for your collection and... 274 00:26:34,358 --> 00:26:39,478 She was, quite simply, the most perfect being I'd ever set eyes on. 275 00:26:39,638 --> 00:26:42,391 The sort of woman you want to take away... 276 00:26:42,558 --> 00:26:45,994 - I get the picture. - .. and capture in oil. 277 00:26:46,158 --> 00:26:51,790 Though I doubt if David or even Anguier could have done her justice. 278 00:27:06,078 --> 00:27:11,869 I never deluded myself that she married me for anything other than my money. 279 00:27:12,838 --> 00:27:15,306 It didn't matter. 280 00:27:15,478 --> 00:27:20,472 To me, she is the most precious and irreplaceable part of my life. 281 00:27:20,638 --> 00:27:22,629 Like a diamond - 282 00:27:22,798 --> 00:27:28,350 that may be flawed, but will always be a diamond. 283 00:27:30,998 --> 00:27:34,354 - Odd how much he looks like Jeffrey. - Isn't it? 284 00:27:34,518 --> 00:27:40,150 Mr Clifford-Wright, I don't think any of us are in any doubt it was your wife, but... 285 00:27:40,318 --> 00:27:43,913 None whatsoever. I've not met this friend of Vincent's, 286 00:27:44,078 --> 00:27:49,198 but she's either mistaken or playing a very cruel joke on us all. 287 00:27:49,358 --> 00:27:52,156 Excuse me. 288 00:28:07,278 --> 00:28:11,476 - What have you found? - God, Jeff! You'll give me a heart attack. 289 00:28:11,638 --> 00:28:14,357 I found exactly what I expected to find. 290 00:28:14,598 --> 00:28:17,874 - Brilliant! What? - Nothing. 291 00:28:18,038 --> 00:28:20,598 There's nothing dodgy about this shed. 292 00:28:27,838 --> 00:28:32,832 I'm afraid your notion of pulling a switch doesn't cut it on any level. 293 00:28:32,998 --> 00:28:37,913 If she wanted us to think she'd been injured, dupe someone to take her place, 294 00:28:38,078 --> 00:28:43,198 how could she guarantee that person would be burnt beyond recognition? It's too messy. 295 00:28:43,358 --> 00:28:48,352 It couldn't have been the same woman both times. That'd be some trick. 296 00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:50,952 She wasn't the cleverest person in the world. 297 00:28:51,118 --> 00:28:57,671 - No... But maybe she didn't need to be. - Say again? 298 00:28:57,838 --> 00:29:02,707 If I was to suddenly disappear now, right here in this garden... 299 00:29:02,878 --> 00:29:05,267 would you call that a clever trick? 300 00:29:06,358 --> 00:29:08,826 - Come on! - OK. 301 00:29:08,998 --> 00:29:11,910 Close your eyes and count to three quickly. 302 00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,510 One, two, three. 303 00:29:16,158 --> 00:29:17,671 Oh, hey. 304 00:29:27,358 --> 00:29:29,155 This is just... 305 00:29:44,758 --> 00:29:50,310 Out of academic interest, have you got one of women in quicksand? I knew this bl... 306 00:29:53,998 --> 00:29:55,716 Oh, God. 307 00:29:58,038 --> 00:30:03,795 - I'm so sorry. - Well, now I don't know what to think. 308 00:30:06,038 --> 00:30:09,110 You read about these things, don't you? 309 00:30:09,278 --> 00:30:12,987 I'm sure there was remorse there... 310 00:30:14,198 --> 00:30:16,837 for the way she lived her life. 311 00:30:18,758 --> 00:30:21,352 In her eyes, you could tell. 312 00:30:22,958 --> 00:30:25,791 That last day in the garden... 313 00:30:25,958 --> 00:30:32,193 Is it too fanciful to believe she made her peace with God... 314 00:30:34,278 --> 00:30:36,394 before she... 315 00:30:42,038 --> 00:30:43,676 Where to now? 316 00:30:43,838 --> 00:30:45,829 - To the stile. - Why? 317 00:30:45,998 --> 00:30:50,788 To check something out and get away from Jonathan Creek wannabes. 318 00:30:52,998 --> 00:30:59,153 Neat little idea he had there, but I take it from that scowl you weren't impressed. 319 00:30:59,318 --> 00:31:03,072 So if we're saying that accident was completely pukka - 320 00:31:03,238 --> 00:31:06,116 no doubles, twins or stand-ins - 321 00:31:06,278 --> 00:31:09,668 we have to take the old dear's story with a pinch of salt. 322 00:31:09,838 --> 00:31:12,147 Yet she seemed so convincing. 323 00:31:12,318 --> 00:31:15,947 Therein lies the key to the whole deception. 324 00:31:16,118 --> 00:31:19,667 - Obviously she's lying. - Obviously she isn't. 325 00:31:19,838 --> 00:31:23,069 How did you describe her? Pathologically honest? 326 00:31:23,238 --> 00:31:27,117 Everything she tells us we have to take as gospel. 327 00:31:27,278 --> 00:31:31,829 The fact that Kathleen Gilmore is such a squeaky-clean, reliable witness 328 00:31:31,998 --> 00:31:35,035 is the one thing that's too convenient here. 329 00:31:35,798 --> 00:31:42,636 Oh, right! I think I'm beginning... to not understand a word you're saying. 330 00:31:42,798 --> 00:31:46,757 Yes. Well, these things are all very well in theory, 331 00:31:46,918 --> 00:31:50,991 but a bit pointless without evidence, so I have to... 332 00:31:53,918 --> 00:31:56,227 Doesn't he ever go away? 333 00:31:56,398 --> 00:31:59,435 I've booked us both in for panto - "Puss in Boots" - this Christmas. 334 00:31:59,598 --> 00:32:03,193 - What? - "He's behind you!" 335 00:32:03,358 --> 00:32:06,907 Sorry. Bit slow on the uptake back there. 336 00:32:07,078 --> 00:32:09,672 How did you get here before us? 337 00:32:09,838 --> 00:32:13,274 You could have just cut across the field. 338 00:32:13,878 --> 00:32:19,987 OK, how about this? It was Jacqui they took to the hospital, but she wasn't burned. 339 00:32:20,158 --> 00:32:26,427 She protected herself, pretended to go into a coma, so she could slip out later on... 340 00:32:26,598 --> 00:32:31,718 Yes. The problem with that theory is the hospital just called to say she'd died 341 00:32:31,878 --> 00:32:34,950 without ever regaining consciousness. 342 00:32:35,118 --> 00:32:37,109 You're serious? 343 00:32:43,238 --> 00:32:47,948 What are we looking at? Some kind of intricately plotted murder? 344 00:32:48,118 --> 00:32:52,589 Intricately plotted and so brilliantly executed it almost came off. 345 00:32:52,758 --> 00:32:58,151 The clue to it all, I've got a shrewd idea, could well lay in this garden. 346 00:32:58,318 --> 00:33:02,869 No problems. I saw Vince go out with his camera a minute ago. 347 00:33:03,918 --> 00:33:07,388 If you want to sniff around, I'll keep an eye out. 348 00:33:07,558 --> 00:33:10,026 Right. Why don't you do that. 349 00:33:29,158 --> 00:33:33,390 I suppose it's pointless to ask what we're looking for? 350 00:33:33,558 --> 00:33:35,071 Mmm. 351 00:33:41,518 --> 00:33:42,997 Ah. 352 00:33:45,798 --> 00:33:47,390 Ah ha. 353 00:33:48,598 --> 00:33:52,830 - What have we here? - Looks like a tyre track. 354 00:33:52,998 --> 00:33:56,786 - From a bicycle? - Utterly ingenious. 355 00:33:56,958 --> 00:33:59,518 No two ways about it. 356 00:33:59,678 --> 00:34:01,987 Sorry. Couldn't resist. 357 00:34:02,158 --> 00:34:04,911 Any joy? Managed to nail the culprit? 358 00:34:05,078 --> 00:34:08,309 - Actually, Jeff... - Jeffrey! 359 00:34:08,478 --> 00:34:13,472 What the hell are you playing at, snooping around someone else's garden? 360 00:34:16,198 --> 00:34:19,554 Hi. What's going on? 361 00:34:19,718 --> 00:34:22,107 Not a lot. We were just leaving. 362 00:34:22,278 --> 00:34:25,987 Really? You mean leave the village? Going where? 363 00:34:26,158 --> 00:34:30,948 Good question. Scotland Yard probably. Shed some light on this murder. 364 00:34:32,118 --> 00:34:34,632 Murder? Who's been murdered? 365 00:34:34,798 --> 00:34:39,713 At this moment, I haven't the faintest idea, but we'll keep you posted. 366 00:34:52,358 --> 00:34:55,953 DCI Horner. Hello. So, what's the story here? 367 00:34:56,118 --> 00:34:59,349 You've got a murderer, but you don't know the victim? 368 00:34:59,518 --> 00:35:04,672 Correct. But we've got a good idea when the crime took place. 369 00:35:04,838 --> 00:35:07,955 Between 7pm and 8pm on Wednesday 24th June. 370 00:35:09,198 --> 00:35:11,666 Bear with me two seconds. 371 00:35:20,238 --> 00:35:23,389 Anthony James Feldman. Age 37. 372 00:35:23,558 --> 00:35:27,187 Shot through the temple at his home in Battersea. 373 00:35:27,358 --> 00:35:30,589 His girlfriend found him in the sitting-room. 374 00:35:31,478 --> 00:35:34,231 This was wrapped round his head. 375 00:35:39,878 --> 00:35:42,108 - It's empty. - Look inside. 376 00:35:50,558 --> 00:35:52,947 Hmm. Weird. 377 00:35:54,718 --> 00:35:57,790 I suppose you know what this is without looking? 378 00:35:57,958 --> 00:36:00,108 I've got a pretty good idea. 379 00:36:29,838 --> 00:36:34,275 - I said things would be hotting up here. - What are you on about? 380 00:36:34,438 --> 00:36:38,272 Two cop cars, heading for Crooked Lane if I'm any judge. 381 00:36:38,438 --> 00:36:43,796 And I think I saw JC in the back. This is something I'm not going to miss. 382 00:37:22,038 --> 00:37:24,029 What can you see? 383 00:37:35,958 --> 00:37:39,997 - Great, the main man's here. We can begin. - Sorry? 384 00:37:40,158 --> 00:37:44,231 This is known in mystery writer's parlance as the "wrap-up". 385 00:37:44,398 --> 00:37:49,631 Where you use your logic like a laser to explain how the whole thing was done. 386 00:37:51,518 --> 00:37:53,793 - Well, I... - Sit down. 387 00:37:55,278 --> 00:37:58,236 Your friend was just about to enlighten us. 388 00:37:59,198 --> 00:38:05,433 OK. Prima facie, as you said, what are we looking at here? 389 00:38:06,438 --> 00:38:09,908 A woman's rushed to hospital with terrible burns, 390 00:38:10,078 --> 00:38:13,388 goes into a coma from which she never recovers. 391 00:38:13,558 --> 00:38:19,315 But as she's lying on life-support, she manages to materialise outside this house 392 00:38:19,478 --> 00:38:22,754 on her way to church to atone for her sins. 393 00:38:22,918 --> 00:38:25,637 An out-of-body experience? 394 00:38:25,798 --> 00:38:28,790 Or a fantastically-conceived sham... 395 00:38:29,598 --> 00:38:34,513 engineered by someone for reasons that had nothing to do with Jacqui Jordan. 396 00:38:37,438 --> 00:38:40,748 It's not that you were short on technique, Jeff, 397 00:38:40,918 --> 00:38:45,708 but you were looking for the secret of this trick in the wrong garden. 398 00:38:47,438 --> 00:38:51,431 When you told us you'd seen her, we believed every word. 399 00:38:51,598 --> 00:38:55,557 If we couldn't rely on Kathleen Gilmore, who could we rely on? 400 00:38:55,718 --> 00:38:58,676 But maybe that was the point. 401 00:38:58,838 --> 00:39:02,990 And then last night, suddenly, it just came in... 402 00:39:04,038 --> 00:39:06,950 almost literally, through the curtains - 403 00:39:07,118 --> 00:39:10,269 a glimmer of what all this was about. 404 00:39:13,158 --> 00:39:17,356 The wet trousers, that long groove in the soil, 405 00:39:17,518 --> 00:39:20,828 the contents of that apparently empty box... 406 00:39:21,718 --> 00:39:26,314 all came down in the end to one fairly chilling proposition. 407 00:39:27,838 --> 00:39:31,308 Suppose you weren't brought to this house 408 00:39:31,478 --> 00:39:34,595 out of the goodness of someone's heart to recuperate, 409 00:39:34,758 --> 00:39:38,148 but were quite cold-bloodedly set up 410 00:39:38,318 --> 00:39:42,106 to provide an alibi for someone about to commit a murder? 411 00:39:44,478 --> 00:39:48,232 You can't be... What on earth are you trying to say? 412 00:39:49,398 --> 00:39:51,992 Oh, shit. 413 00:39:53,318 --> 00:39:59,109 Life isn't fair, Vince, but rubbing out the man who stole your wife doesn't help. 414 00:39:59,278 --> 00:40:01,109 Like my missus. 415 00:40:01,278 --> 00:40:05,271 PhD in Medieval History, runs off with a man who makes balloon animals. 416 00:40:05,438 --> 00:40:08,157 The guts are ripped out of your life. 417 00:40:08,318 --> 00:40:12,311 I suppose you just have to find a way of dealing with it. 418 00:40:13,118 --> 00:40:16,554 You weren't talking about Rupert and his loss. 419 00:40:16,718 --> 00:40:19,357 You were talking about your life. 420 00:40:19,518 --> 00:40:24,592 And you'd found a way, hadn't you, Vince, to deal with that? 421 00:40:24,758 --> 00:40:29,752 As we now know, you arrived at Feldman's home at about 7.30pm, 422 00:40:29,918 --> 00:40:34,389 knowing his partner would be out until 8pm at an evening class. 423 00:40:52,078 --> 00:40:57,471 One of the more bizarre items we've dusted for fingerprints. Of course, it was clean. 424 00:40:57,638 --> 00:41:00,630 You'd done more than cover your tracks there. 425 00:41:00,798 --> 00:41:05,508 If the coppers ever called round here - if rather than when - 426 00:41:05,678 --> 00:41:07,987 you'd have an unimpeachable witness 427 00:41:08,158 --> 00:41:12,071 who'd swear you were in the garden drinking lemon squash. 428 00:41:12,238 --> 00:41:16,868 What she couldn't know was that when you were both having tea, 429 00:41:17,038 --> 00:41:21,668 it wasn't 7.30 in the evening, but 7.30 in the morning. 430 00:41:22,478 --> 00:41:27,347 For goodness' sake. You think I don't know what time of day it was? 431 00:41:27,518 --> 00:41:32,876 - I'd been awake since breakfast... - I said it was cold-blooded, Miss Gilmore. 432 00:41:33,038 --> 00:41:38,556 Think about it for a sec. For two weeks, you've been pretty immobile - 433 00:41:38,718 --> 00:41:41,710 in a room, in a bed, unable to move. 434 00:41:41,878 --> 00:41:44,915 Your whole concept of time is up for grabs. 435 00:41:45,838 --> 00:41:48,432 Watches and clocks are easily fixed. 436 00:41:48,598 --> 00:41:55,117 For a former lighting cameraman, with access to a few lamps and a bit of scaffolding... 437 00:41:56,078 --> 00:42:01,072 the daylight coming through net curtains can be very carefully regulated. 438 00:42:32,638 --> 00:42:37,473 The trees at the side made a perfect screen for all the hardware. 439 00:42:38,478 --> 00:42:42,187 It's a trick that's worked all the time in TVand movies. 440 00:42:42,358 --> 00:42:47,307 Filming day for night and night for day is put to more cynical use... 441 00:42:48,878 --> 00:42:51,676 to shield the identity of a murderer. 442 00:42:54,678 --> 00:42:58,830 Vince... Tell me this is so much drivel. 443 00:43:02,958 --> 00:43:05,426 Every morning I'd shift forward one hour, 444 00:43:05,598 --> 00:43:09,750 so by Wednesday, we'd be exactly 12 hours ahead. 445 00:43:10,678 --> 00:43:14,671 Your body's telling you something isn't quite right with... 446 00:43:14,838 --> 00:43:16,988 - What is it? - Cicadian rhythms. 447 00:43:17,158 --> 00:43:19,353 Like a bad case of jet lag. 448 00:43:19,518 --> 00:43:23,557 But that was the least of it after all you'd been through. 449 00:43:23,718 --> 00:43:29,748 So on Wednesday morning, she's been awake all night. To her, it's now teatime. 450 00:43:29,918 --> 00:43:34,355 So you settle her outside. If the wasp hadn't sent you indoors, 451 00:43:34,518 --> 00:43:38,955 the conversation with Jacqui might never have happened. 452 00:43:39,118 --> 00:43:41,678 Then it's her next bedtime. 453 00:43:41,838 --> 00:43:45,547 Did you slip her some sedatives so she slept through? 454 00:43:47,318 --> 00:43:50,196 Now it's Thursday, you're back on real time. 455 00:43:50,358 --> 00:43:53,395 Feel a bit grotty, but no idea why. 456 00:43:53,558 --> 00:43:57,836 By this time, the gear's all been de-rigged outside, 457 00:43:57,998 --> 00:44:00,990 leaving no clue as to what's happened. 458 00:44:01,158 --> 00:44:05,151 Except for a few ruts where your power cable's been lying. 459 00:44:09,878 --> 00:44:15,236 So she'd already been there... to church, that morning. 460 00:44:15,398 --> 00:44:18,390 Before you were even up probably. 461 00:44:20,118 --> 00:44:24,953 Oh, Rupert, mate... I'm sorry you had to get tangled up in all... 462 00:44:25,478 --> 00:44:28,834 That wasn't the idea. You can see that? 463 00:44:30,758 --> 00:44:34,148 I think I'll go now. If you'll excuse me. 464 00:44:37,038 --> 00:44:41,270 Yes. And we should be making a move. Mr Rees? 465 00:44:46,678 --> 00:44:48,669 Oh, Kathleen... 466 00:44:50,038 --> 00:44:52,108 Why do we do it? 467 00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:56,555 God only knows, Vincent. 468 00:45:09,718 --> 00:45:11,709 And I still couldn't see it. 469 00:45:11,878 --> 00:45:15,951 Why couldn't I see that? Damp trouser bottoms. 470 00:45:16,118 --> 00:45:19,747 Obviously from the dew on the grass. 471 00:45:22,078 --> 00:45:25,275 I mean, that is star quality. 472 00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:29,948 So, listen, going to stay over again tonight? 473 00:45:30,118 --> 00:45:35,112 We thought we'd grab a bed at the hotel this time, actually, Jeff. 474 00:45:35,278 --> 00:45:36,996 Thanks all the same. 475 00:45:37,598 --> 00:45:40,670 It's a fascinating process to behold. 476 00:45:40,838 --> 00:45:43,955 He takes it all in and lets it brew, 477 00:45:44,118 --> 00:45:49,272 then you get this slow drip of realisation as it all fits together. 478 00:45:49,438 --> 00:45:51,827 Yeah. Talking of slow drips. 479 00:45:51,998 --> 00:45:56,753 He's going to get his marching orders soon because it's like... 480 00:45:56,918 --> 00:46:00,593 - Now you've seen the real thing? - There's no comparison. 481 00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:03,477 Oh, God, I would swim through treacle. 482 00:46:03,638 --> 00:46:08,029 - He is technically available. - For the right soulmate. 483 00:46:08,198 --> 00:46:11,588 Of course, he's not exactly a pushover. 484 00:46:11,758 --> 00:46:15,956 But if you want to know what really turns him on... 485 00:46:21,158 --> 00:46:23,513 Well, we finally did it. 486 00:46:24,398 --> 00:46:27,231 - Yup. - We won't be doing it again. 487 00:46:27,398 --> 00:46:29,116 Probably not. 488 00:46:29,278 --> 00:46:33,351 It was like... Making love to your favourite uncle. 489 00:46:33,518 --> 00:46:38,069 - Which you should never do. - Not without consulting your auntie. 490 00:46:38,238 --> 00:46:43,551 - Though we were both very tired. - We were. 491 00:46:44,758 --> 00:46:48,353 Funnily enough... I'm not now. 492 00:46:49,318 --> 00:46:53,231 No? Well, I supp... 493 00:46:57,598 --> 00:46:59,634 Hello? Yes. 494 00:47:00,438 --> 00:47:01,871 No. 495 00:47:03,038 --> 00:47:04,551 No, that'd... 496 00:47:06,838 --> 00:47:09,511 OK. Ten minutes. 497 00:47:14,638 --> 00:47:16,276 Christine... 498 00:47:17,238 --> 00:47:19,593 needs to see me urgently. 499 00:47:21,758 --> 00:47:25,546 It's OK. I'm up here! Come in! 500 00:47:43,518 --> 00:47:47,955 - Oh, you are kidding. - Jonathan, hi. 501 00:47:51,798 --> 00:47:53,595 Christine? 502 00:47:53,758 --> 00:47:58,354 What the hell are you doing back? You're supposed to be at Tesco's! 503 00:48:02,998 --> 00:48:06,673 Oh, you sick bastard! 504 00:48:20,478 --> 00:48:23,390 I was trying to do you a favour. 505 00:48:23,558 --> 00:48:26,595 I thought she'd be so repulsed that... 506 00:48:27,318 --> 00:48:30,867 Anyway, it's perked up their relationship. 507 00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:34,917 She'll see him in a more assertive light now, finally. 508 00:48:35,478 --> 00:48:41,189 Look, Jonathan... apropos of last night, I was thinking. 509 00:48:42,078 --> 00:48:46,071 Depending on how you're fixed, when we get back to town, 510 00:48:46,238 --> 00:48:50,231 we could maybe invest in a few bottles of wine tonight. 511 00:48:50,398 --> 00:48:54,186 Batten down the hatches and... Who knows? 512 00:48:55,038 --> 00:48:57,506 This time we might just... 513 00:49:04,638 --> 00:49:06,390 But you can't expect miracles.