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- I'm off now, Mr Houseman.
- OK, Dorothy.
2
00:01:09,118 --> 00:01:13,908
Mrs Houseman rang
to say she won the award.
3
00:01:14,078 --> 00:01:16,956
- That's everything.
- OK, Dorothy.
4
00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:21,475
I've left your itinerary
for tomorrow on your pillow.
5
00:01:21,638 --> 00:01:23,788
OK, Dorothy.
6
00:01:52,638 --> 00:01:55,994
# Sitting here eating my heart out, baby
7
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:59,355
# Waiting for some lover to come
8
00:02:00,038 --> 00:02:03,553
# Tried about a thousand numbers, baby
9
00:02:03,718 --> 00:02:06,596
# Almost rang the phone off the wall
10
00:02:06,758 --> 00:02:10,433
# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening
11
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,670
# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight... #
12
00:02:13,838 --> 00:02:16,068
Back again. Sorry.
13
00:02:16,238 --> 00:02:20,390
It's starting to spit.
I should have taken my umbrella.
14
00:02:27,558 --> 00:02:30,948
# H-h-hot stuff
15
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,474
# H-h-hot
16
00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:38,826
# H-h-hot stuff
17
00:02:38,998 --> 00:02:41,114
# H-h-hot... #
18
00:02:56,958 --> 00:02:59,995
Sorry I'm late.
19
00:03:00,158 --> 00:03:05,596
What a load of old toss! I won't be
going to one of those again in a hurry.
20
00:03:08,958 --> 00:03:11,188
Congratulations are in order.
21
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:17,433
Like being voted "Britain's Tastiest
Bottom" is the high point of my career!
22
00:03:18,518 --> 00:03:20,554
Don't you start.
23
00:03:20,718 --> 00:03:24,108
Just let me get all this crap off and I can relax.
24
00:03:24,278 --> 00:03:27,588
You can make me a big cup of cocoa.
25
00:03:37,838 --> 00:03:41,831
How's this new musical
that you're writing for me?
26
00:03:41,998 --> 00:03:44,592
When am I going to hear it?
27
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,956
Maybe when I get back
if the pitch goes all right.
28
00:03:49,118 --> 00:03:53,350
Three days away. I'm going to miss you.
29
00:04:00,398 --> 00:04:02,628
I'm pretty zonked actually.
30
00:04:03,798 --> 00:04:08,235
Yeah. You get some sleep.
You don't mind if I read, do you?
31
00:04:32,718 --> 00:04:38,350
Sorry. I've got to be in Soho at ten
for this press launch. I just wanted to say...
32
00:04:38,838 --> 00:04:40,590
Fingernails!
33
00:04:41,398 --> 00:04:44,708
I won't kiss you in case I smudge.
34
00:04:44,878 --> 00:04:49,554
That'll be Angus.
Have a great time in LA. I love you.
35
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:57,029
- Hi, Angus.
- Hey.
36
00:04:57,198 --> 00:04:59,075
- You all right?
- How are you?
37
00:05:00,998 --> 00:05:05,230
- Nice to see you.
- You look amazing. Come on.
38
00:05:11,118 --> 00:05:14,155
Here's your revised timetable.
39
00:05:14,318 --> 00:05:18,914
I couldn't get you Whoopi Goldberg's
people, but I got her people's people.
40
00:05:19,078 --> 00:05:22,673
His name's Skip. He sounds about 12.
41
00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:28,071
And don't forget to drop in on your father
to wish him happy birthday.
42
00:05:43,478 --> 00:05:46,356
So anyway... still hard at it?
43
00:05:46,558 --> 00:05:49,118
- What?
- Getting plenty of work?
44
00:05:49,278 --> 00:05:53,066
It's a dying craft, Dudley, if you want the truth.
45
00:05:53,238 --> 00:05:56,116
These days it's all mass production.
46
00:05:56,278 --> 00:06:00,237
- Thank God for people like Adam Creek.
- Adam who?
47
00:06:00,398 --> 00:06:05,108
What is his name? Adam Klaus. Magician.
48
00:06:06,438 --> 00:06:11,990
Creek's the chap who designs it all.
Nice little job come in there.
49
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,558
Keeps me busy for a few weeks.
50
00:06:15,718 --> 00:06:19,393
Right. Check-in's at two, so I'd better...
51
00:06:19,558 --> 00:06:25,269
How's Sally? There was a time
when you couldn't stop talking about her.
52
00:06:25,438 --> 00:06:27,827
Sally? She's fine.
53
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:33,428
We're both very busy these days
with one thing and another.
54
00:06:34,318 --> 00:06:39,790
Careful with that one. George WB.
It's on order for Miramax.
55
00:06:39,958 --> 00:06:45,078
- How come his mouth doesn't move?
- He doesn't talk through his mouth.
56
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:55,633
Sophomoric humour, I believe it's called.
57
00:07:06,758 --> 00:07:08,749
Mr Houseman?
58
00:07:08,918 --> 00:07:13,673
My name's Maria. I'll be your in-flight
therapist and masseuse
59
00:07:13,838 --> 00:07:16,636
to make your journey comfortable.
60
00:07:16,798 --> 00:07:20,632
Are you familiar with the range
of treatments we offer?
61
00:07:20,798 --> 00:07:23,232
We have some fabulous...
62
00:07:23,398 --> 00:07:27,471
OK. Open your eyes now. What do you think?
63
00:07:27,638 --> 00:07:34,111
This is where we want the audience
to squeal with horror - the flinch factor.
64
00:07:34,278 --> 00:07:38,112
This colour scheme has got a flinch factor of 3.5.
65
00:07:38,278 --> 00:07:41,315
So give me... Let's see.
66
00:07:41,478 --> 00:07:46,950
A more hideous pattern in the carpet,
get rid of the red and key in a sickly green.
67
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,836
Let's push the envelope.
68
00:07:48,998 --> 00:07:51,671
- Post, Mr Baxter.
- Thanks, my lovely.
69
00:08:05,278 --> 00:08:09,749
Morning. How's the makeover
on the makeover? Still at it?
70
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:11,510
You're early.
71
00:08:11,678 --> 00:08:15,114
Carol was off sick, so I didn't get my pedicure,
72
00:08:15,278 --> 00:08:20,796
so I had to cancel the gynaecologist -
toenail confidence very important there.
73
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:26,555
Can't have him refusing at the first fence.
I've rescheduled them both for tomorrow...
74
00:08:28,598 --> 00:08:31,590
What is it? Is that...?
75
00:08:33,278 --> 00:08:35,269
The results of the tests.
76
00:08:35,438 --> 00:08:39,397
My God. Brendan. What does it say?
77
00:08:40,238 --> 00:08:42,308
It says...
78
00:08:43,198 --> 00:08:48,909
61% of viewers in the 16-39 age bracket
found the show sustained their interest,
79
00:08:49,078 --> 00:08:53,117
but the numbers for Jonathan were low
among ABs, C1-C2s.
80
00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:57,550
I thought
we were talking about your prostate.
81
00:09:00,118 --> 00:09:03,110
Is this for the gymnasium episode?
82
00:09:03,278 --> 00:09:07,317
A clear majority felt he had
insufficient authority on screen.
83
00:09:07,478 --> 00:09:12,552
32% didn't like his hair.
12% had a problem with his posture.
84
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:17,712
11% thought your face was a funny shape.
18% were offended by your shirt.
85
00:09:17,878 --> 00:09:20,267
40% disapproved of your voice -
86
00:09:20,438 --> 00:09:24,317
described by a C2 male
as "an irritating nasal whine. "
87
00:09:24,478 --> 00:09:29,996
Give him a message for me.
Ask him to ring Jonathan Creek ASAP.
88
00:09:30,158 --> 00:09:32,626
I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
89
00:09:32,798 --> 00:09:36,427
If that's all, I've got more important
things I could be...
90
00:09:36,598 --> 00:09:40,910
Nearly a third said they felt
more comfortable with the murderer.
91
00:09:41,078 --> 00:09:43,034
On the plus side,
92
00:09:43,198 --> 00:09:48,318
the network loved the idea of impossible
crimes and they've ordered 26 more.
93
00:09:48,478 --> 00:09:53,472
- Plenty of time to lick you into shape.
- 26? Are they insane?
94
00:09:53,638 --> 00:09:57,551
If you think I'm going back
to be ritually humiliated...
95
00:09:57,718 --> 00:10:00,152
I suppose his face is an odd shape.
96
00:10:00,318 --> 00:10:05,028
Maybe if we tried scooping his hair up,
it'd take the curse off it.
97
00:10:05,198 --> 00:10:10,670
What always hooks an audience is if they
think the presenters are sleeping together.
98
00:10:12,398 --> 00:10:15,595
Like Derek Fowlds and Basil Brush.
99
00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:19,671
So let's bump up that sexual chemistry. OK.
100
00:10:19,838 --> 00:10:23,956
Lunch with Michael Grade awaits.
We'll leave you with Pam.
101
00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:28,713
- Ah, Michael.
- How are you doing?
102
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:35,147
Oh, Pam. I heard about your dog. I am so sorry.
103
00:10:39,678 --> 00:10:42,556
I look like Jack Nance in "Eraserhead".
104
00:10:44,158 --> 00:10:46,877
What do they know, focus groups?
105
00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:49,757
Reducing us all to intellectual cripples.
106
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:56,911
- So your dog died?
- Two months ago now.
107
00:10:58,438 --> 00:11:03,193
Great big springer spaniel.
Had him since he was a puppy.
108
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:06,668
- That's rough.
- Yeah.
109
00:11:06,838 --> 00:11:09,875
What's that? A new trick?
110
00:11:11,198 --> 00:11:13,666
A bit of nonsense we're doing next week.
111
00:11:13,838 --> 00:11:16,875
Sawing a ventriloquist's dummy in half.
112
00:11:17,038 --> 00:11:20,348
The guy I've got building it's a bit dotty.
113
00:11:20,518 --> 00:11:23,988
It involves a duplicate set of feet sticking out.
114
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:27,867
I've asked for a dozen extra,
but he may have forgotten.
115
00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,835
Mr Houseman.
116
00:11:32,998 --> 00:11:37,788
Yeah. Thanks. Just wondered
how soon we might be able to...?
117
00:11:38,878 --> 00:11:43,269
Great, great.
Just to confirm, we did say 12 feet.
118
00:11:43,438 --> 00:11:48,512
That's what we said, Mr Creek.
He's just due for his final varnish.
119
00:11:48,678 --> 00:11:54,150
I can pop it round to your place about five,
if that's any use?
120
00:11:54,318 --> 00:11:57,833
Brilliant. If I'm not there, just leave it outside.
121
00:12:00,918 --> 00:12:02,397
Relief.
122
00:12:05,998 --> 00:12:08,637
Nice day outside. Do you want a sandwich?
123
00:12:10,678 --> 00:12:13,670
"OLD BLUE" BY JJ CALE)
124
00:12:18,078 --> 00:12:22,754
# I had an old dog and his name was Blue
Bet your life he was a good dog too
125
00:12:22,918 --> 00:12:25,113
# Blue chased a possum up a hollow limb
126
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,587
# Possum won, got the best of him
127
00:12:27,758 --> 00:12:31,637
# Bye bye, Blue
128
00:12:32,838 --> 00:12:35,955
# You good dog, you
129
00:12:36,678 --> 00:12:40,227
# Bye bye, Blue
130
00:12:41,638 --> 00:12:43,913
# You good dog, you
131
00:12:45,718 --> 00:12:49,996
# Blue he died and died so hard
Shook the ground in my back yard
132
00:12:50,158 --> 00:12:52,592
# We lowered him down with a golden chain
133
00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:54,510
# Every link, we'd call his name
134
00:12:54,718 --> 00:12:58,711
# Bye bye, Blue
135
00:12:59,958 --> 00:13:02,552
# You good dog, you
136
00:13:03,958 --> 00:13:06,836
# Bye bye, Blue
137
00:13:09,478 --> 00:13:12,470
# You good dog, you... #
138
00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:39,468
Oh, Mr Creek.
139
00:13:39,638 --> 00:13:42,516
I've done your office, bedroom and bathroom,
140
00:13:42,678 --> 00:13:45,750
but the kitchen floor might be a bit wet.
141
00:13:45,918 --> 00:13:50,275
- Mavis, what in the name of hell is that?
- Sorry?
142
00:13:51,878 --> 00:13:55,268
Oh, yes. There's a Mr Houseman waiting.
143
00:13:55,438 --> 00:13:58,475
- He seemed quite keen to talk to you.
- Did he?
144
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,516
Have you gone clinically insane?
145
00:14:01,678 --> 00:14:05,796
That's like the bastard son of King Kong
and Archie Andrews!
146
00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:08,711
For God's sake, you must have realised...
147
00:14:10,158 --> 00:14:13,355
Hi. You'll be Jonathan Creek.
148
00:14:15,278 --> 00:14:20,511
I think it was in the "BMJ" this morning.
I can bring it through. No, of course not.
149
00:14:20,678 --> 00:14:25,672
Sorry, Mrs Baxter. Get comfortable.
I'll be two seconds.
150
00:14:53,758 --> 00:14:58,354
You keep your feet on the ground?
No matter how things look?
151
00:14:58,518 --> 00:15:03,273
No matter how macabre?
No matter how impossible?
152
00:15:03,438 --> 00:15:05,554
Go on.
153
00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:11,873
Perhaps you can explain how a woman
who's just had a full head of hair cut off
154
00:15:12,038 --> 00:15:15,747
can grow it back again in less than 48 hours.
155
00:15:17,238 --> 00:15:19,229
From the beginning?
156
00:15:19,398 --> 00:15:21,389
From the beginning?
157
00:15:27,438 --> 00:15:30,953
A couple of years ago, according to the "Sun",
158
00:15:31,118 --> 00:15:37,557
I became the luckiest bastard in Britain
when I married Sally Ellen Oakley.
159
00:15:37,718 --> 00:15:39,754
I know. How good is that?
160
00:15:39,918 --> 00:15:44,230
Except that Sally Ellen Oakley
doesn't exist in real life.
161
00:15:44,398 --> 00:15:46,912
How could she? She's an invention.
162
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:51,674
A male fantasy created
by beauticians and technicians.
163
00:15:51,838 --> 00:15:55,592
In flesh and blood, there she was in my bed.
164
00:15:57,038 --> 00:15:59,552
I just wanted to watch the videos.
165
00:16:00,438 --> 00:16:06,752
So you could say my defences were down
the day I met Maria.
166
00:16:13,078 --> 00:16:15,069
Was she real?
167
00:16:16,238 --> 00:16:20,231
Or the nearest thing
to an angel this side of heaven.
168
00:16:36,958 --> 00:16:43,431
21 days of terminal ecstasy.
I'm afraid it was starting to get serious.
169
00:16:52,518 --> 00:16:56,557
Of course, being a two-timing louse isn't easy,
170
00:16:56,718 --> 00:17:02,714
but I did have expert assistance
in the shape of my PA, Dorothy.
171
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:06,587
She can fix anything or say nothing.
172
00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:08,589
All right. Thanks.
173
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:13,388
She did all the dirty work -
keeping it all discreet, covering my arse,
174
00:17:13,558 --> 00:17:17,153
though she thought I was on a suicide mission.
175
00:17:17,318 --> 00:17:21,914
It's none of my business,
but what do you know about this person?
176
00:17:22,078 --> 00:17:26,549
You don't know that her motives
aren't highly questionable,
177
00:17:26,718 --> 00:17:30,506
that she's trying to copulate
her way into your wallet.
178
00:17:30,678 --> 00:17:33,431
Dorothy, you're right, as usual.
179
00:17:34,438 --> 00:17:37,271
It is absolutely none of your business.
180
00:17:38,678 --> 00:17:40,828
OK. So here's the thing.
181
00:17:40,998 --> 00:17:46,789
11.30 this morning, Maria was due
to set off on a ten-day tour of the Far East.
182
00:17:46,958 --> 00:17:53,193
So yesterday, with Sally out till six,
I said why not come over for lunch
183
00:17:53,358 --> 00:17:57,988
and, after, she could get a cab
to the airport hotel.
184
00:17:58,158 --> 00:18:03,107
Which is all going fine
until Dorothy, in her subtle way,
185
00:18:03,278 --> 00:18:05,838
tries to attract my attention.
186
00:18:08,398 --> 00:18:11,196
What now, for goodness' sake?
187
00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:17,351
What do you make of that?
188
00:18:17,518 --> 00:18:20,635
It's addressed to you, but in strange writing.
189
00:18:20,798 --> 00:18:24,188
You've been going through her belongings?!
190
00:18:24,358 --> 00:18:28,829
What do you think it is?
She's up to some mischief or other.
191
00:18:28,998 --> 00:18:34,277
- Maybe it's a present. I'll ask her.
- Don't you do anything of the kind!
192
00:18:34,438 --> 00:18:40,786
This could turn out to be some vital piece
of evidence of some evil misdeed.
193
00:18:40,958 --> 00:18:44,109
3.35, Sugar.
What time's my cab coming?
194
00:18:44,598 --> 00:18:46,873
Yeah. Any minute.
195
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:49,836
Granted. It did look kind of suspicious,
196
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:55,152
so I knuckle under and we decide
to hang on to this... whatever it is.
197
00:18:55,318 --> 00:19:00,073
Then, just as I'm seeing her off outside,
disaster strikes.
198
00:19:02,718 --> 00:19:04,709
Two hours early.
199
00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:10,350
Was God being fair? I decide
the best thing to do is to come clean
200
00:19:10,518 --> 00:19:12,907
and tell her about me and Maria.
201
00:19:13,078 --> 00:19:18,755
That way we can all talk it through
like rational, mature, human beings.
202
00:19:18,918 --> 00:19:22,388
I'll kill you! I'm going to kill you, you bitch!
203
00:19:23,598 --> 00:19:26,988
- Get off me!
- You rotten piece of...!
204
00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:35,195
How dare you, you whore!
205
00:19:41,038 --> 00:19:43,347
Screw you, you bitch!
206
00:19:45,238 --> 00:19:47,832
Get out. Get out!
207
00:19:48,638 --> 00:19:52,711
And stay out of our lives, you scummy little tart!
208
00:19:52,878 --> 00:19:55,438
This is where it gets weird.
209
00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:58,590
We go indoors. Sally's giving me hell.
210
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:01,636
Dorothy has spotted the package,
211
00:20:01,798 --> 00:20:07,316
figures it's best kept between ourselves,
but Sally's onto it like a shot.
212
00:20:15,318 --> 00:20:17,115
What's this?
213
00:20:17,278 --> 00:20:19,633
By now we're all pretty baffled.
214
00:20:19,798 --> 00:20:22,631
We want to see what's on that tape.
215
00:20:22,798 --> 00:20:27,553
I don't know what the hell I was expecting,
but it certainly wasn't that.
216
00:20:29,718 --> 00:20:32,551
Please, what do you want with me?
217
00:20:32,718 --> 00:20:37,030
Please tell me what you want.
I just don't understand.
218
00:20:41,278 --> 00:20:43,746
Please tell me who you are.
219
00:20:48,398 --> 00:20:52,073
It says, "To Dudley Houseman...
220
00:20:53,398 --> 00:20:59,234
"The people holding me prisoner
are fully prepared...
221
00:21:00,198 --> 00:21:02,314
"to kill me
222
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,912
"unless you give them what they want -
223
00:21:05,078 --> 00:21:08,548
"£100,000 in used banknotes.
224
00:21:08,718 --> 00:21:11,790
"You've two days to acquire it.
225
00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:16,591
"Further instructions will follow later.
226
00:21:17,558 --> 00:21:24,157
"In the meantime, this is to make sure
you take the threat seriously. "
227
00:21:25,438 --> 00:21:27,394
Oh, God.
228
00:21:27,558 --> 00:21:29,913
No.
229
00:21:32,798 --> 00:21:34,311
No.
230
00:22:30,678 --> 00:22:35,229
Something certainly stinks
about all of this. Wouldn't you say?
231
00:22:36,278 --> 00:22:42,387
That woman is so full of shit, Dudley,
and, my God, has she taken you to the cleaners.
232
00:22:45,478 --> 00:22:49,027
So, as usual, Dorothy had it all figured out.
233
00:22:50,158 --> 00:22:54,151
What was her phrase?
"Copulate her way into my wallet. "
234
00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:59,748
Obviously, she got together with this guy
and rigged the whole thing.
235
00:22:59,918 --> 00:23:03,957
Short of hacking off her ear,
they made it look real.
236
00:23:04,118 --> 00:23:09,431
The tape would go in the post,
I end up shafted for a hundred grand.
237
00:23:09,598 --> 00:23:11,429
Literally.
238
00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:14,431
OK. So that was a narrow escape.
239
00:23:15,998 --> 00:23:17,989
Meanwhile, I've...
240
00:23:18,918 --> 00:23:22,194
messed up my life, my marriage
241
00:23:22,358 --> 00:23:26,351
and somehow I've got to
pull it all back together again.
242
00:23:27,598 --> 00:23:32,797
But the $64,000 question is,
how did her hair grow back?
243
00:23:32,958 --> 00:23:37,873
That "Radio Times", I've checked.
It was printed two days before.
244
00:23:38,038 --> 00:23:43,112
When Sally was dragging her down
the drive, it was coming out at the roots.
245
00:23:43,278 --> 00:23:47,396
It was like it was
absolutely for real - both times.
246
00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:51,146
Yet how could it have been?
247
00:23:52,638 --> 00:23:54,708
I need some answers...
248
00:23:56,678 --> 00:23:59,715
before I completely lose touch with reality.
249
00:24:16,198 --> 00:24:20,669
There's some amazing bald caps.
The problem's what goes underneath.
250
00:24:20,838 --> 00:24:23,306
That much hair, you've got no chance.
251
00:24:23,478 --> 00:24:28,836
And when the camera goes in really close,
you won't get away with it.
252
00:24:28,998 --> 00:24:31,353
Unless it's been got at technically.
253
00:24:32,318 --> 00:24:36,436
You're not going to keep a wig on
during all that other hullabaloo.
254
00:24:36,598 --> 00:24:40,273
- Extensions?
- What are you going to fix them to?
255
00:24:41,958 --> 00:24:45,075
This is decidedly odd, though,
wouldn't you say?
256
00:24:45,238 --> 00:24:48,116
It's real enough,
and certainly looks like her hair.
257
00:24:48,318 --> 00:24:51,947
But the amount... Of what was cut off,
258
00:24:52,118 --> 00:24:54,996
there's only about a quarter of it here.
259
00:24:55,998 --> 00:25:00,230
If you're going to make a point,
you'd send the whole lot to him.
260
00:25:00,398 --> 00:25:02,628
Perhaps he wanted a stuffed cushion.
261
00:25:09,558 --> 00:25:12,709
OK, I'll get CGI
to check the pixellation on this.
262
00:25:12,918 --> 00:25:14,909
If someone's doctored it, we'll know.
263
00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:18,434
In the meantime,
background colour and lateral thinking.
264
00:25:18,598 --> 00:25:20,634
I'm salivating already.
265
00:25:21,718 --> 00:25:23,993
Here we go again, then.
266
00:25:24,158 --> 00:25:28,276
Let me know when you want
to bump up the sexual chemistry.
267
00:25:28,438 --> 00:25:31,953
Yes. Just don't get friendly with any table legs.
268
00:25:32,118 --> 00:25:34,996
You might end up with a splinter in it.
269
00:25:35,158 --> 00:25:37,433
Friendly with table legs?
270
00:25:37,598 --> 00:25:41,910
Is this to do with Pam and I going out together?
271
00:25:42,078 --> 00:25:46,276
Have you? I noticed her
taking you for a walk, but...
272
00:25:46,438 --> 00:25:48,747
What's that supposed to mean?
273
00:25:48,918 --> 00:25:52,706
You haven't twigged it?
Even with your amazing powers?
274
00:25:52,878 --> 00:25:56,393
- She's gone for you on the rebound.
- Rebound?
275
00:25:56,558 --> 00:26:00,836
She's not had a close relationship
for nearly two years.
276
00:26:00,998 --> 00:26:05,549
Unless you count her dog,
so I fail to see the logic of that theory...
277
00:26:09,358 --> 00:26:14,273
Oh, get real! I'm not even going
to dignify that with an argument.
278
00:26:14,438 --> 00:26:18,989
- I can have a drink with someone.
- As long as it's not out of her toilet.
279
00:26:19,158 --> 00:26:22,150
- Can we change the subject?
- Fine.
280
00:26:24,358 --> 00:26:26,553
What are we looking at here?
281
00:26:26,718 --> 00:26:30,427
Fastest transplant in history
or a miracle growth hormone?
282
00:26:30,598 --> 00:26:34,386
Or a deception so elementary,
it's almost laughable.
283
00:26:34,558 --> 00:26:38,107
- What?
- Don't tell me you haven't sussed it.
284
00:26:38,278 --> 00:26:40,997
Whereas you have, of course.
285
00:26:41,158 --> 00:26:46,312
Some things drive you batty for days,
others click in the twinkling of an eye.
286
00:26:47,758 --> 00:26:51,751
Who and why will take
a bit of figuring, of course, but...
287
00:26:53,238 --> 00:26:59,586
If you want a pointer, think about that
sheet or cover they wrapped around her.
288
00:26:59,758 --> 00:27:04,274
Like in a barber's? To catch all the hair?
289
00:27:04,438 --> 00:27:07,157
They'd really worry about her clothes!
290
00:27:07,318 --> 00:27:11,516
It might have had an entirely different function.
291
00:27:12,518 --> 00:27:13,997
What...?
292
00:27:16,358 --> 00:27:21,227
This glee you derive from treating me
like a five-year-old does pall after a while!
293
00:27:21,398 --> 00:27:24,071
Like I'm incapable of reaching a conclusion!
294
00:27:24,238 --> 00:27:26,706
- Only trying to help.
- Well, don't.
295
00:27:26,878 --> 00:27:31,030
I'll work it out for myself
with no assistance from you!
296
00:27:32,118 --> 00:27:36,031
# Give it to her more on the floor
297
00:27:36,198 --> 00:27:38,666
# Got a bitch on heat... #
298
00:27:38,838 --> 00:27:42,035
"Hoes in da hood"? Booty Posse?
299
00:27:42,198 --> 00:27:44,428
For research purposes.
300
00:27:49,158 --> 00:27:51,626
Just pull up here for a minute.
301
00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:01,357
Oh.
302
00:28:02,198 --> 00:28:04,109
Oh.
303
00:28:04,638 --> 00:28:07,152
This isn't good.
304
00:28:39,878 --> 00:28:41,357
Ah.
305
00:28:41,998 --> 00:28:43,636
Of course.
306
00:28:44,838 --> 00:28:46,829
Yup.
307
00:28:47,598 --> 00:28:49,589
In your own time.
308
00:28:56,998 --> 00:29:02,231
The place is all yours. Any questions,
there's Dorothy here or... Sally...
309
00:29:02,398 --> 00:29:06,630
My wife.
This is Jonathan and his friend Carla,
310
00:29:06,798 --> 00:29:12,555
who've offered to try and work out
that strange thing... with Maria's hair.
311
00:29:13,838 --> 00:29:15,317
Yes.
312
00:29:17,158 --> 00:29:20,275
If you could give my husband a message?
313
00:29:20,438 --> 00:29:25,512
Tell him I don't give a tinker's toss
about her hair. She can shove it up her arse.
314
00:29:25,678 --> 00:29:27,873
It doesn't interest me.
315
00:29:29,358 --> 00:29:34,432
- She doesn't give a tinker's toss...
- Sally, please! Don't do this to me.
316
00:29:34,598 --> 00:29:40,833
If it makes you feel better, smack me
in the face, but please... don't go.
317
00:29:45,518 --> 00:29:48,316
Tell him I'm going away now
318
00:29:48,478 --> 00:29:52,232
to be with someone
who treats me like a human being.
319
00:29:52,398 --> 00:29:54,389
Sally, wait.
320
00:30:00,838 --> 00:30:04,797
- That's where they had the fight?
- I know.
321
00:30:04,958 --> 00:30:07,631
It doesn't make any sense, does it?
322
00:30:07,798 --> 00:30:13,077
Some amazing lookalike
is the only thing I can think of.
323
00:30:15,838 --> 00:30:21,993
And it's got Mr Houseman wondering
whether she was "not of this world. "
324
00:30:22,158 --> 00:30:23,716
Mmm.
325
00:30:25,358 --> 00:30:28,714
Although her angelic qualities were lost on me.
326
00:30:28,878 --> 00:30:34,157
I tried to tell him what a... piece of work
she was. What's that?
327
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:39,509
- Insulating tape?
- With a tiny piece cut off the end.
328
00:30:39,678 --> 00:30:42,909
I'm sure it's of absolutely no significance.
329
00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:49,428
So now she's conveniently disappeared
to the other side of the world?
330
00:30:49,598 --> 00:30:55,912
Where she'll stay if she's got any sense.
We could take that video to the police.
331
00:30:56,078 --> 00:30:57,477
Mmm...
332
00:30:58,758 --> 00:31:02,592
Have I seen your girlfriend before?
Her face is familiar.
333
00:31:02,758 --> 00:31:05,795
Possibly, on the telly,
but she's not my girlfriend.
334
00:31:05,998 --> 00:31:08,751
Oh, is she not? Right.
335
00:31:10,878 --> 00:31:12,869
# Then you
336
00:31:14,158 --> 00:31:17,070
# Showed me what I never saw
337
00:31:17,518 --> 00:31:20,715
# The way was through a different door
338
00:31:21,318 --> 00:31:24,037
# To find what I was looking for
339
00:31:25,038 --> 00:31:27,154
# To be with you
340
00:31:33,438 --> 00:31:36,555
# To be with you is to ride on rainbows
341
00:31:36,718 --> 00:31:39,869
# And laugh like the morning dew
342
00:31:40,158 --> 00:31:43,833
# The silence sings in the hall of kings
343
00:31:43,998 --> 00:31:46,796
# Can teach me nothing new
344
00:31:46,958 --> 00:31:49,518
# 'Cause all I ever knew was
345
00:31:49,678 --> 00:31:52,476
# I had to be with you... #
346
00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:58,429
That is so beautiful.
And that's the main love theme?
347
00:31:58,598 --> 00:32:00,793
It's got an echo of...
348
00:32:00,958 --> 00:32:05,031
Bob Dylan? I don't know why you'd say that.
349
00:32:08,438 --> 00:32:14,035
He's an influence, yeah, but for critics
to just dismiss everything I do
350
00:32:14,198 --> 00:32:16,553
as derivative sub-Dylan lite...
351
00:32:16,718 --> 00:32:19,186
I find it very short-sighted.
352
00:32:19,358 --> 00:32:24,193
No. I just thought... for you to have
written that specially for your wife,
353
00:32:24,358 --> 00:32:26,667
you must really love her a lot.
354
00:32:26,838 --> 00:32:29,557
It obviously comes from the heart.
355
00:32:29,718 --> 00:32:31,709
Yeah. Well...
356
00:32:32,838 --> 00:32:36,877
I've been trying to get some interest
in the States because...
357
00:32:37,518 --> 00:32:41,272
Sally as Delilah
would knock them dead over there.
358
00:32:41,438 --> 00:32:46,558
With Michael Bolton playing Samson
and Whoopi Goldberg as God to make it hip.
359
00:32:46,718 --> 00:32:50,108
What a treat to hear some romantic lyrics.
360
00:32:50,278 --> 00:32:55,113
- When you look at the stuff nowadays.
- Really? Like what?
361
00:33:00,358 --> 00:33:05,352
This may or may not interest you,
but I was having a little play with it.
362
00:33:05,518 --> 00:33:08,271
First, a picture of yours truly,
363
00:33:08,438 --> 00:33:12,147
on which, with any standard
photo-editing software,
364
00:33:12,318 --> 00:33:15,196
you can carefully draw around the head...
365
00:33:16,798 --> 00:33:19,471
and select.
366
00:33:19,638 --> 00:33:24,587
I could use any picture,
but I think this one makes the point.
367
00:33:24,758 --> 00:33:27,272
Just shrink it down to fit,
368
00:33:27,438 --> 00:33:32,387
and then drag it across.
369
00:33:32,558 --> 00:33:37,507
This is just still photography, not video,
but you see the possibilities.
370
00:33:37,678 --> 00:33:40,750
- I do.
- Of course you do.
371
00:33:41,758 --> 00:33:45,512
You have an astute and very able mind, Mr Creek,
372
00:33:45,678 --> 00:33:49,796
which, in a world of superficiality,
I find most attractive.
373
00:33:49,958 --> 00:33:51,755
Thank you.
374
00:33:53,158 --> 00:33:57,231
- You might want to refer to this later.
- Right.
375
00:34:02,958 --> 00:34:04,755
Brendan, hi.
376
00:34:06,038 --> 00:34:08,268
Oh, really?
377
00:34:08,478 --> 00:34:12,949
"Don't got no skanking whore
try dissing me no more.
378
00:34:13,958 --> 00:34:17,109
"I'm a give it to her raw on the floor.
379
00:34:18,078 --> 00:34:23,152
"Now da bitch on heat,
gonna make her eat my meat.
380
00:34:23,318 --> 00:34:25,957
"Suck her titty like a melon.
381
00:34:26,718 --> 00:34:30,950
"Man, I ain't no felon
selling skin to ma kin.
382
00:34:31,118 --> 00:34:36,112
"I'm a stick it to 'em good
pimping pussy in da hood. "
383
00:34:36,278 --> 00:34:38,667
Chorus. Repeat three times.
384
00:34:38,838 --> 00:34:44,196
"Yo, stick it to 'em good, pimping pussy
in da... " Pass the mouthwash!
385
00:34:44,358 --> 00:34:48,829
Can you imagine a gynaecologist
listening to this on his way to work?
386
00:34:48,998 --> 00:34:53,071
- I felt tainted in every respect!
- OK.
387
00:34:54,078 --> 00:34:57,866
Got everything I need. I don't know about you.
388
00:34:59,278 --> 00:35:02,588
Take it away, I think, and have a ponder.
389
00:35:03,718 --> 00:35:05,197
Ready?
390
00:35:06,878 --> 00:35:11,793
Her point being what? That recording
may not have been genuine?
391
00:35:13,118 --> 00:35:15,427
I forgot to tell you. Brendan rang.
392
00:35:15,598 --> 00:35:20,797
The video's been through computer
graphics and it's not been tampered with.
393
00:35:20,958 --> 00:35:26,908
You might want to give that some consideration.
It was in the sitting room.
394
00:35:27,078 --> 00:35:31,390
I draw your attention
to the small piece cut off the end.
395
00:35:33,838 --> 00:35:37,831
What am I looking at?
Industrial-strength toupee tape?
396
00:35:39,598 --> 00:35:42,317
Just say and I'll put you out of your misery.
397
00:35:42,478 --> 00:35:44,992
I'm not throwing the towel in yet.
398
00:35:45,158 --> 00:35:49,356
All right. So you won't be wanting this little clue.
399
00:35:49,518 --> 00:35:52,112
It would appear not.
400
00:35:57,158 --> 00:36:01,390
"How many seas must a white dove sail
before it can sleep in the sand?"
401
00:36:01,558 --> 00:36:03,037
Go on.
402
00:36:03,198 --> 00:36:07,237
"How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man?"
403
00:36:07,398 --> 00:36:10,788
- "Blowin' In The Wind".
- Yes! What's it telling me?
404
00:36:10,958 --> 00:36:14,189
If I told you that, it wouldn't be a clue.
405
00:36:17,558 --> 00:36:20,152
Anywhere here
will be fine, thanks.
406
00:36:24,998 --> 00:36:29,833
- So what's on the agenda tonight?
- Tonight?
407
00:36:29,998 --> 00:36:34,389
Yes. Tonight. Vis-à-vis everything.
408
00:36:35,438 --> 00:36:39,590
Oh, right. I thought we might have
an evening in at my place.
409
00:36:39,758 --> 00:36:43,353
Cook a meal, a bottle of wine.
Nothing earth-shattering.
410
00:36:43,518 --> 00:36:45,986
Fine. I'll see you.
411
00:36:50,158 --> 00:36:52,626
If it's any business of yours.
412
00:36:53,718 --> 00:36:57,074
"How many seas must a white dove sail... "
413
00:36:58,478 --> 00:37:02,676
Could that be the letter "C" to spell something out?
414
00:37:04,758 --> 00:37:10,037
"Sleep in the sand. "
Presumably means it's dead.
415
00:37:10,798 --> 00:37:12,868
A dead bird.
416
00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:18,268
Except she wasn't.
She just had her hair cut off.
417
00:37:19,878 --> 00:37:23,268
"How many roads must a man walk down... "
418
00:37:24,278 --> 00:37:29,227
There was something in the road
that caught his attention but...
419
00:37:32,438 --> 00:37:37,671
- This is probably completely meaningless.
- What's that, my love?
420
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:41,035
He said this was a clue.
Does anything strike you?
421
00:37:41,918 --> 00:37:45,069
- Apart from it being the wrong way round?
- What?
422
00:37:45,238 --> 00:37:47,308
The lyrics are the wrong way round.
423
00:37:47,478 --> 00:37:50,197
"How many roads
must a man walk down" is first,
424
00:37:50,358 --> 00:37:53,589
then "how many seas must a white dove sail".
425
00:37:53,758 --> 00:37:56,352
The wrong way round? Of course!
426
00:37:56,518 --> 00:38:00,670
Because in "Samson and Delilah",
she cut his hair off.
427
00:38:03,478 --> 00:38:05,150
So...
428
00:38:09,478 --> 00:38:13,710
Actually, he suggested
I go over there tonight, to his place.
429
00:38:13,878 --> 00:38:16,233
Kick it around a bit more, so...
430
00:38:17,478 --> 00:38:20,629
No problem. This'll keep. You run along.
431
00:39:18,198 --> 00:39:19,950
Come home.
432
00:39:20,478 --> 00:39:22,196
Please.
433
00:39:22,358 --> 00:39:23,791
This is killing me.
434
00:39:25,678 --> 00:39:29,671
For God's sake, how can you bear to be there?
435
00:39:30,398 --> 00:39:33,231
With him? Of all people, Angus.
436
00:39:33,398 --> 00:39:37,869
- Yeah, well...
- You can't be serious.
437
00:39:38,038 --> 00:39:41,508
I don't know what makes you think
I'd be with Angus,
438
00:39:41,678 --> 00:39:45,637
especially as he happens
to be in Chicago tonight.
439
00:39:50,558 --> 00:39:54,551
I'm sorry, Dudley,
but there's nothing left to talk about.
440
00:40:14,838 --> 00:40:17,830
Would you get the car out, please, Dorothy?
441
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:20,558
You're taking me for a drive.
442
00:40:24,118 --> 00:40:28,316
Mr Houseman, are you sure
this is one of your brightest ideas?
443
00:40:28,478 --> 00:40:34,474
- Dudley?
- Ah, if it isn't the lovely Angus.
444
00:40:34,638 --> 00:40:40,156
Who, curiously, my wife seemed to think
was in Chicago at the moment.
445
00:40:40,318 --> 00:40:45,108
Yes. In the musical "Chicago".
I've just come offstage. Why?
446
00:40:47,038 --> 00:40:50,030
I'll tell you why, Angus...
447
00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:53,907
Just open this bloody door right now!
448
00:40:54,078 --> 00:40:56,672
I've come to take her home.
449
00:40:56,838 --> 00:41:02,470
I know all about the two of you
and your mucky little goings on in there.
450
00:41:02,638 --> 00:41:09,589
Quite frankly, I find it unseemly and disgusting!
451
00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:12,830
Taking advantage of someone...
452
00:41:12,998 --> 00:41:14,556
Git!
453
00:41:34,038 --> 00:41:35,915
Jonathan?
454
00:41:42,478 --> 00:41:43,957
Hello?
455
00:41:44,118 --> 00:41:45,790
Anyone in?
456
00:41:45,958 --> 00:41:48,233
It's chucking it down out there.
457
00:42:15,838 --> 00:42:18,352
Sorry. Train was bit late.
458
00:42:18,518 --> 00:42:22,750
- Were you looking for me?
- No, I had to catch the first post.
459
00:42:22,918 --> 00:42:25,716
I left the front door unlocked, just in case.
460
00:42:25,878 --> 00:42:30,474
God, it's a miserable night.
I can't wait to get inside.
461
00:42:31,918 --> 00:42:35,433
- Why have we stopped here?
- Hmm?
462
00:42:35,598 --> 00:42:38,670
Oh... God knows. Come on.
463
00:42:59,798 --> 00:43:05,714
We'll have to get you out of this lot.
You're soaked through to the skin.
464
00:43:06,718 --> 00:43:10,074
Yeah.
The old coat's seen better days.
465
00:43:10,238 --> 00:43:13,116
It's a lovely coat.
466
00:43:14,398 --> 00:43:19,995
Where do you keep your towels?
I'm going to give you a nice rub down.
467
00:43:25,838 --> 00:43:27,988
Here we are.
468
00:43:28,518 --> 00:43:31,191
You are a wet old thing, aren't you?
469
00:43:33,318 --> 00:43:35,786
With a very cold nose.
470
00:44:07,398 --> 00:44:10,868
You know, I think we may be
the wrong way round.
471
00:44:11,038 --> 00:44:14,826
- Sorry?
- You and me. The wrong way round.
472
00:44:37,398 --> 00:44:38,956
Oh, God!
473
00:44:39,118 --> 00:44:44,192
- I'm sorry. It's very unnatural, suddenly.
- Why? What's wrong?
474
00:44:44,398 --> 00:44:46,514
- If not totally perverse.
- What is it?
475
00:44:46,678 --> 00:44:49,590
Is it something I've said or done or...?
476
00:44:49,758 --> 00:44:55,708
For God's sake, are you blind?
It's everything you've said and done!
477
00:44:55,878 --> 00:44:59,791
If you go out with a guy,
it's for who he is - as a guy.
478
00:44:59,958 --> 00:45:02,916
For the way he thinks and feels and behaves.
479
00:45:03,078 --> 00:45:07,310
Not just as a faithful companion
you can feed biscuits to.
480
00:45:08,718 --> 00:45:13,951
And, Pam, you're still not
ready for that. It's too soon.
481
00:45:14,118 --> 00:45:18,669
Jonathan's never going to win prizes
at Crufts. You can see that.
482
00:45:24,678 --> 00:45:28,432
Yes. I think I see now...
483
00:45:32,518 --> 00:45:39,629
...that I seem to have wandered
into an insane asylum.
484
00:45:47,918 --> 00:45:51,752
- I can't bring myself to ask...
- You'll thank me for it later.
485
00:45:51,918 --> 00:45:55,433
More importantly, I think I did it.
486
00:45:55,598 --> 00:45:59,637
Finally. The wrong way round.
487
00:45:59,798 --> 00:46:05,395
When she said it, like you said, it clicks
into place in the twinkling of an eye.
488
00:46:06,478 --> 00:46:08,469
That's it. That's it.
489
00:46:09,638 --> 00:46:11,913
Here, Mr Houseman.
490
00:46:19,318 --> 00:46:22,310
- Sally, don't go.
- Oh, no.
491
00:46:29,318 --> 00:46:35,757
I've always said the human race
is broadly divided into angels and trolls.
492
00:46:36,478 --> 00:46:40,630
Believe me, the angels
don't always get the best of it,
493
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:45,189
because when beautiful people
fall in love with each other,
494
00:46:45,358 --> 00:46:49,988
they'd better be sure
it's not because they're beautiful people.
495
00:46:51,398 --> 00:46:58,952
When the late Mrs Houseman and I
fell in love in 1953...
496
00:47:00,278 --> 00:47:03,190
we were both pretty ugly customers.
497
00:47:04,798 --> 00:47:07,949
That's how we knew it was real
498
00:47:08,958 --> 00:47:14,316
and probably why I've spent most
of my time among them ever since.
499
00:47:17,758 --> 00:47:19,476
Ugly customers.
500
00:47:20,638 --> 00:47:23,198
They take me as I am, you see?
501
00:47:30,638 --> 00:47:33,232
Dudley's not a bad sort...
502
00:47:34,398 --> 00:47:38,755
but he does get very easily confused.
503
00:47:39,478 --> 00:47:41,116
Mmm.
504
00:47:48,358 --> 00:47:51,316
This one would probably do for Creek.
505
00:47:51,478 --> 00:47:55,437
Yes. He said ideally
he was after something a bit smaller.
506
00:48:06,638 --> 00:48:09,710
- Hello?
- You may not believe this -
507
00:48:09,878 --> 00:48:14,793
there's no reason why you should -
but it's you he needs here now.
508
00:48:16,838 --> 00:48:20,956
He's not actually conscious at the moment,
but when he wakes up
509
00:48:21,118 --> 00:48:25,748
you're going to have to be around
to sort him out because otherwise...
510
00:48:25,918 --> 00:48:30,309
That's it. I'm sorry.
I've done everything I can.
511
00:48:31,678 --> 00:48:36,194
Yes, you've done that,
and a lot more besides, haven't you?
512
00:48:36,358 --> 00:48:38,952
To try and save this marriage.
513
00:48:43,158 --> 00:48:49,233
Did I commit a crime? I suppose it wasn't
a very nice thing to do to that young lady.
514
00:48:49,398 --> 00:48:55,473
But she wasn't being very nice herself -
wrecking someone's home, their marriage.
515
00:48:56,478 --> 00:49:00,596
I know he was
just as much to blame for it all, but...
516
00:49:01,198 --> 00:49:06,716
He never could sort himself out.
He wouldn't know where to start.
517
00:49:06,878 --> 00:49:13,272
The fact that you run Dudley's life for him
was the bedrock of the whole operation.
518
00:49:13,918 --> 00:49:17,069
If he'd stopped fretting for a second,
519
00:49:17,238 --> 00:49:21,356
he'd probably have realised
there was only one person
520
00:49:21,518 --> 00:49:27,514
with the access and the contacts
and the sheer calculating guile
521
00:49:27,678 --> 00:49:30,795
to carry a thing like this off.
522
00:49:30,958 --> 00:49:34,587
You worked hard to play that down,
going all girly on me.
523
00:49:34,798 --> 00:49:37,676
Most men would have run a mile.
524
00:49:37,838 --> 00:49:42,514
Desperately trying to palm me off
with another solution, trick photography,
525
00:49:42,678 --> 00:49:46,227
and hope that I'd never
find the answer and pass it on.
526
00:49:46,438 --> 00:49:49,157
Which, to give you credit, you haven't.
527
00:49:49,318 --> 00:49:54,915
- Look, it was a bit radical...
- Don't feel bad, Dorothy.
528
00:49:55,078 --> 00:49:57,911
We all know where you were coming from.
529
00:49:58,078 --> 00:50:02,071
- Desperation, basically.
- They have so much going for them,
530
00:50:02,238 --> 00:50:04,593
when you get down to what matters.
531
00:50:04,798 --> 00:50:09,474
Mr Houseman doesn't know what he wants
until he hasn't got it any more.
532
00:50:09,678 --> 00:50:14,593
So taking your brief
of "managing his affairs" literally,
533
00:50:14,758 --> 00:50:19,354
you come up with a plan to make it look
as if she's after his money.
534
00:50:19,518 --> 00:50:23,796
The idea is she faked her own kidnap
with the help of some confederate
535
00:50:23,958 --> 00:50:26,392
and they both pocket the ransom.
536
00:50:26,558 --> 00:50:31,348
Of course, you lined up the confederates
to make it look convincing.
537
00:50:31,518 --> 00:50:35,830
A couple of technical types
and one performer was all it took.
538
00:50:35,998 --> 00:50:40,116
People who owed me a favour -
there's quite a few of them.
539
00:50:40,278 --> 00:50:43,907
I made a few calls, we got together
to talk about it.
540
00:50:44,078 --> 00:50:47,673
It was all pretty straightforward actually.
541
00:50:47,838 --> 00:50:52,548
How was it meant to go? You find
a suspicious package in her case -
542
00:50:52,718 --> 00:50:56,870
that she's planning to send him
after she's left the country -
543
00:50:57,038 --> 00:51:00,587
inside a recording, obviously all staged,
544
00:51:00,758 --> 00:51:05,957
showing her at the mercy of a kidnapper
demanding money. It's clearly a set-up.
545
00:51:06,118 --> 00:51:10,953
Even Dudley's going to realise the girl
who came round for lunch, wearing a wig,
546
00:51:11,118 --> 00:51:13,916
has taken him for a sucker. Exit Maria.
547
00:51:14,078 --> 00:51:18,117
Problem though.
How the hell do you fake that video?
548
00:51:18,278 --> 00:51:23,193
We've all seen it. We all agree it was her.
We all agree it was real.
549
00:51:23,358 --> 00:51:28,751
How do you tie a woman up, cut her hair off
and film it without her knowing?
550
00:51:29,438 --> 00:51:31,906
Clearly impossible.
551
00:51:32,078 --> 00:51:37,789
But an illusion is to make people think
they've seen something they haven't.
552
00:51:38,918 --> 00:51:43,594
When I finally twigged,
it was the simplest thing in the world.
553
00:51:43,758 --> 00:51:47,114
The two events -
a woman having her head shaved
554
00:51:47,278 --> 00:51:50,827
and being dragged across the grass by her hair -
555
00:51:50,998 --> 00:51:56,470
weren't impossible in themselves, we were
just looking at them the wrong way round.
556
00:51:56,638 --> 00:51:58,788
Thanks to a preconception we all have
557
00:51:58,958 --> 00:52:02,075
that if you put a tape in a video and press Play,
558
00:52:02,238 --> 00:52:05,628
what comes up on screen is the past tense.
559
00:52:05,798 --> 00:52:08,870
But if you're not pressing Play, but Record,
560
00:52:09,038 --> 00:52:13,953
and if the VCR's already been tuned
to receive a live local signal,
561
00:52:14,118 --> 00:52:18,589
suddenly everything we watched that day
becomes possible.
562
00:52:21,758 --> 00:52:24,670
The whole thing had to be staged close by,
563
00:52:24,838 --> 00:52:28,831
which is why I had a wobble
when I couldn't see another building.
564
00:52:32,158 --> 00:52:37,790
But the fact that a large vehicle had
recently parked there told its own story.
565
00:52:38,958 --> 00:52:43,907
Don't ask me about the technology.
That was Doug and Roger's department.
566
00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:48,549
I know they had to set up
some kind of transmitter on the roof.
567
00:52:48,718 --> 00:52:55,271
The chap with the hood was a dodgy
actor friend I thought would be good.
568
00:52:55,478 --> 00:52:58,675
His brief was to lop off a chunk of hair.
569
00:52:59,598 --> 00:53:04,069
I'm afraid on the day
he did get a bit scissor happy.
570
00:53:04,278 --> 00:53:07,395
Hence the disparity
between the duplicate hair
571
00:53:07,558 --> 00:53:10,516
and what we saw coming off on the screen.
572
00:53:12,118 --> 00:53:14,791
I suppose I'd got Delilah on the brain.
573
00:53:14,958 --> 00:53:19,395
What I planned as an extra little flourish
suddenly became this major number.
574
00:53:19,598 --> 00:53:22,317
Because when Sally came home early,
575
00:53:22,478 --> 00:53:26,915
bang went any hope you had
of keeping a lid on the affair.
576
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:32,710
The tussle on the lawn totally put paid
to the scenario of a woman wearing a wig.
577
00:53:32,878 --> 00:53:37,588
The simple truth was, at that point,
Maria's hair hadn't been cut off.
578
00:53:37,798 --> 00:53:42,826
Oddly enough, none of that
was going through my mind at the time.
579
00:53:44,078 --> 00:53:47,229
Besides, it was too late to call off the dogs.
580
00:53:55,438 --> 00:53:57,235
Help me!
581
00:54:01,038 --> 00:54:07,386
They had to cover up the clothes
or the game would be up.
582
00:54:08,398 --> 00:54:10,389
What's this?
583
00:54:20,118 --> 00:54:23,793
It says... "To Dudley Houseman...
584
00:54:24,438 --> 00:54:27,191
"£100,000 in used banknotes. "
585
00:54:35,038 --> 00:54:39,270
Instant spoolback
was a nice touch after it was over,
586
00:54:39,478 --> 00:54:42,675
to fix the idea they'd been watching a recording.
587
00:54:42,838 --> 00:54:48,788
The little red light would have been
a give-away if you hadn't masked it off.
588
00:54:49,878 --> 00:54:54,349
I had too much on my mind
to be worrying about a roll of tape.
589
00:54:54,518 --> 00:54:58,113
They dropped her home afterwards
with the injunction,
590
00:54:58,278 --> 00:55:03,716
stay away from Dudley, from the police
and she'd live a long and healthy life.
591
00:55:03,878 --> 00:55:09,510
That'll be the test, in the end,
of the depth of her love and devotion.
592
00:55:09,678 --> 00:55:12,033
Dorothy!
593
00:55:12,198 --> 00:55:15,270
Yes! Coming, Mr Houseman!
594
00:56:03,798 --> 00:56:06,266
Oh. Mrs Houseman.
595
00:56:07,638 --> 00:56:12,393
I'm so sorry. He's just been sick
all over the bathroom floor.
596
00:56:13,238 --> 00:56:17,197
OK, Dorothy. If you want to get along now...
597
00:56:33,998 --> 00:56:35,795
I'll kill him.
598
00:56:35,958 --> 00:56:38,791
Bloody murder him. The batty old fool.
599
00:56:38,958 --> 00:56:44,351
"Use this one. I made it three years ago
for some satirical sketch show or other.
600
00:56:44,518 --> 00:56:49,308
"It was used once - I can't remember why. "
We know why now, don't we?
601
00:56:49,478 --> 00:56:55,553
What are the chances of the Network
Director of Programmes watching it here?
602
00:56:55,718 --> 00:56:58,676
I can't imagine what Adam's going to say...
603
00:57:13,998 --> 00:57:17,274
Live television? I've had a basinful of it.
604
00:57:17,438 --> 00:57:19,633
It is a scream though.
605
00:57:20,798 --> 00:57:23,835
Oh. Is this yours?
606
00:57:24,878 --> 00:57:30,271
It might interest you. It's an interview
with the lead singer of Booty Posse.
607
00:57:30,438 --> 00:57:33,396
It's a caveat not to form hasty conclusions.
608
00:57:33,558 --> 00:57:36,152
When do I ever do that?
609
00:57:38,558 --> 00:57:43,586
"Indifferent to the cross-generational flak
his priapic anthems always elicit,
610
00:57:43,758 --> 00:57:49,071
"Doogie T just grins. 'I sent a copy
of "Hoes In The Hood" to my stepfather
611
00:57:49,238 --> 00:57:54,028
"'to keep him abreast of my progress.
The guy rings up like plutonium man.
612
00:57:54,198 --> 00:58:00,512
"'When did a Harley Street gynaecologist
know shit from shit anyhow?"'
613
00:58:02,078 --> 00:58:04,069
Harley Street?
614
00:58:04,998 --> 00:58:06,954
Stepfather.
615
00:58:09,358 --> 00:58:11,508
Oh, my God.
616
00:58:13,398 --> 00:58:17,994
- What have I done?
- I don't know. What have you done?
617
00:58:19,998 --> 00:58:22,466
On the way here tonight...
618
00:58:23,598 --> 00:58:27,113
Well, there was hardly anyone about...
619
00:58:48,078 --> 00:58:51,991
Oh, my God.
620
00:58:52,558 --> 00:58:56,551
There you are, you see.
Pays to keep your hair on, I always say.
621
00:58:57,551 --> 00:59:07,551
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