1 00:01:21,910 --> 00:01:26,267 Three days and I still keep forgetting. Will they ever get this sorted out? 2 00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:30,309 The mysteries of a blocked drain! I'm sure they're on top of their game. 3 00:01:30,510 --> 00:01:32,944 What game is that? Gin rummy? 4 00:01:33,110 --> 00:01:37,308 Do you think this is too much? On the road with the rozzers? 5 00:01:37,510 --> 00:01:39,865 I don't want to look too frivolous! 6 00:01:40,070 --> 00:01:45,098 Nor do you want to disappoint 80% of your male fan base who find you pretty under pressure. 7 00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:48,268 It's just a question of striking a balance. 8 00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:52,946 Good God, would you credit it? Remember that colonoscopy I had last month? 9 00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:57,189 - What about it? - It's been nominated for an award. 10 00:01:57,390 --> 00:01:59,824 - Don't be ridiculous! - As good as. 11 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:05,900 It says here, "A panel of top consultants deemed the advanced fibre optic technology 12 00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:09,420 "to have produced a near textbook study of intestinal polyps. " 13 00:02:09,590 --> 00:02:15,062 It's being put forward as a possible reference source at a major London teaching hospital. 14 00:02:15,230 --> 00:02:19,746 I suppose I'm gonna have to go out there again and make an exhibition of myself? 15 00:02:19,910 --> 00:02:25,189 It's one thing to have a contraption like that on a film unit, but stuck outside your house?! 16 00:02:25,910 --> 00:02:29,107 I wonder what I'm up against. The competition will be fierce. 17 00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:30,902 Sorry, love? 18 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:46,465 There's that Carla what's-her-name off the telly! Hello, darling! 19 00:02:47,470 --> 00:02:50,030 Are you off to spend a penny, girl? 20 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:54,109 Hey, Carla Borrego! Have one for me! 21 00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:34,189 Marty! 22 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,389 Marty! 23 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:40,304 Good morning, Mr Creek. Just having a quick "zzz". How's it all going? 24 00:03:40,510 --> 00:03:44,549 - Don't ask. Have you got the...? - Oh, yeah, sorry. 25 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:52,627 All right down there? Your brain's not getting starved of oxygen or anything? 26 00:03:52,790 --> 00:03:56,146 - Who is this? - It's me, Adam. 27 00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:59,188 Right. I knew that, of course. 28 00:03:59,350 --> 00:04:03,025 And tell me, Adam. How long have I been down here? 29 00:04:03,230 --> 00:04:08,623 Just coming up for four days and I think the disorientation is starting to kick in. 30 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:13,824 No, no, I'm good, good. I trained myself to the feak of pisical fikness, remember? 31 00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:21,226 The only real problem I've been encountering is I think I'm getting some vibrations down here 32 00:04:21,390 --> 00:04:23,858 from the Circle and District Line. 33 00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:28,143 It's like every five minutes when a train goes through. 34 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,585 It gets kind of juddery. 35 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:34,265 Actually, Adam, I'm afraid we've had orders to bring you up 36 00:04:34,430 --> 00:04:37,069 from the powers that be. 37 00:04:37,270 --> 00:04:41,980 Two young women filed an official complaint against you yesterday for sexual harassment. 38 00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:45,546 Sexual hara...? I'm six feet undergroundl 39 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:49,026 They claim you were looking up their skirts. 40 00:04:49,230 --> 00:04:52,028 I know. I know. 41 00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:57,389 They say you were in a state of arousal and appeared to be physically stimulating yourself. 42 00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,582 Oh, manl You've got to be jo... 43 00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:10,461 12.25 to Upminster? 44 00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:15,585 10.35 a. m. And news of a particularly gruesome motorcycle accident 45 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:19,140 in which both victims were tragically decapitated 46 00:05:19,310 --> 00:05:21,824 has brought us to Barston General Hospital. 47 00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:25,983 Detective Inspector Adrian Fell, cool, calm and detached as ever 48 00:05:26,150 --> 00:05:28,539 as he goes about his grisly business. 49 00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:42,700 - The heads are on the wrong bodies. - How can you tell? 50 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:49,548 You've got a black guy and a white guy. Call it intuition. This is just sloppiness. 51 00:05:53,950 --> 00:05:57,659 11.15 and in response to an urgent message from a colleague, 52 00:05:57,830 --> 00:06:02,346 we're now heading across town to check out a mysterious sudden death. 53 00:06:03,910 --> 00:06:08,381 - Have we got a name for this guy? - Maurice Rumpole, single, retired bookmaker. 54 00:06:08,550 --> 00:06:12,828 Lived alone. People next door said they heard... Sorry. This is? 55 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:16,949 "Eyes & Ears", part of a new prime-time reality strand. 56 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:22,104 It has all been cleared. If I could ask you to give us a bit more level, that would be super. 57 00:06:22,270 --> 00:06:26,343 Carla Borrego, Herbie Bryant. Yes, the neighbours heard...? 58 00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:32,419 Some kind of loud and very violent struggle going on last night about 11. 59 00:06:32,590 --> 00:06:35,058 Very helpfully kept it to themselves. 60 00:06:35,230 --> 00:06:38,222 The alarm was raised by the cleaning lady this morning 61 00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:42,349 when she couldn't get into his bedroom on account of... these. 62 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,545 A couple of sawed-off draw bolts, 63 00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:49,504 both of which had clearly been shot by someone inside the room. 64 00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:54,985 As you can see, it took some fancy footwork to get past THEM. 65 00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:58,461 And when we did... 66 00:07:06,310 --> 00:07:10,508 The windows were all secure on this side. 67 00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:14,342 But... I don't know... 68 00:07:15,390 --> 00:07:20,100 I've got one of my bellyaches telling me something's not right in here. 69 00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:51,747 So here we are at the very coalface of the investigation process, 70 00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:57,223 the air heavy with a cloying sense of death you could almost cut with a kni... 71 00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:25,858 More chaos on the tube as another power cut hits London during the rush hour... 72 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,060 Hmm... Bag, Sergeant. 73 00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:47,507 What's this? Has he got hungry in the night? 74 00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:50,707 Nothing so mundane apparently, by a long way. 75 00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:01,021 Got your penknife? 76 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:19,539 There we go, then. What does your bellyache tell you about this? 77 00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:22,780 One, two, 78 00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:26,863 three... four pairs of pyjamas, 79 00:09:27,070 --> 00:09:30,267 all with a walnut sewn inside the jacket. 80 00:09:49,190 --> 00:09:50,509 Hey! 81 00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:54,424 You've had two public warnings, but it hasn't penetrated, has it? 82 00:09:54,590 --> 00:09:58,378 - That's a criminal act! - And the tragedy is I'll get away with it! 83 00:09:58,550 --> 00:10:03,544 We are so overstretched just now. Now the other side of that tape. I won't tell you again! 84 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:15,180 What appears to have killed our friend in there is sleep apnoea - 85 00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:19,343 a cessation of breathing while in a deep sleep for reasons often unknown 86 00:10:19,510 --> 00:10:24,504 that can be aggravated by obesity and occasionally lead to congestive heart failure. 87 00:10:24,670 --> 00:10:27,901 A lot of patients only get it when they lie on their back, 88 00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:32,541 the solution to which is to sew a hard object like a walnut into your nightshirt 89 00:10:32,710 --> 00:10:35,065 to force you on to your side. 90 00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:38,302 Of course, if it happens to accidentally slip out... 91 00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:40,461 You're kidding? 92 00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:42,621 I'm impressed. 93 00:10:42,790 --> 00:10:47,784 It was all in that medical book on the bedside table. Obviously something he suffered from. 94 00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:52,466 The fact that his TV was tuned to Channel 5 during a Michael Winner season 95 00:10:52,630 --> 00:10:56,100 could account for the nasty noises coming through the walls. 96 00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,344 Is it my imagination or has he lost weight? 97 00:11:08,590 --> 00:11:11,582 Hey, you've got a job to do, I've got a job to do. 98 00:11:12,270 --> 00:11:13,749 Aaagh! 99 00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:16,306 Next time we'll have you toe-tagged! 100 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:20,742 Just because I'm not some fluffy bit of skirt off the box! 101 00:11:20,950 --> 00:11:24,260 - One of these days, you bastard! - Yeah? You'll do what? 102 00:11:25,630 --> 00:11:27,621 One of these days. 103 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:32,261 No, it was nothing in the end. Some old goat choked in his sleep or something. 104 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:35,706 So, what's new? Any post for me or messages? 105 00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:39,061 Nah, whatever, open it. 106 00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:43,501 Say again? 107 00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:46,138 Hang on. I've got to write this down. 108 00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:51,819 "Go to... " Yeah. 109 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:54,825 I think I know that. 110 00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:57,621 Tomorrow night? 111 00:11:58,270 --> 00:11:59,589 12.30? 112 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,581 Is that all it says? 113 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:06,905 No, no, I heard you. 114 00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:11,702 Just wondering what the hell it means. 115 00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:17,985 Yes, it's been totally fascinating, 116 00:12:18,150 --> 00:12:22,940 observing first hand how a real detective works - the amazing Inspector Fell! 117 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:26,705 - Good? - Such a sharp mind. Seen nothing like it! 118 00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:30,658 He solved a sealed room mystery yesterday in, what, five minutes? 119 00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:35,620 What appeared to be this bizarre impossible murder had the simplest explanation. 120 00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:40,147 So tune in this evening, 9 p. m. You may find it illuminating. 121 00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:42,824 Is this coming with us or staying behind? 122 00:12:42,990 --> 00:12:47,142 Gonna need that next week at the theatre. Just stick it on the truck. Cheers. 123 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:50,865 - OK, I'll look out for it. - And I'll see you around. 124 00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:57,824 Adam! How are you feeling? 125 00:12:58,430 --> 00:13:01,900 Yeah, I bet, now you're back in the land of the living. 126 00:13:02,070 --> 00:13:06,348 Well, these big public endurance numbers are all a load of tosh really. 127 00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:09,980 You won't be trying another mad idea like that in a hurry! 128 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,349 Sorry? 129 00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:19,301 For one insane moment there, I thought I heard you say... Please tell me I was imagining it! 130 00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:19,949 Absolutely not. What, I'm gonna make a thing like this up? 131 00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:24,069 No way was he there on business. The guy's wiping off fingerprints! 132 00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:27,106 Are you still there? 133 00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:28,789 Hello! 134 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,464 No, it's cool. I mean, I'm in a box. 135 00:16:36,310 --> 00:16:38,778 God knows what we're sitting on here, Ray, 136 00:16:38,950 --> 00:16:43,740 but someone knew this was gonna happen and wanted to drop him in it, and whoever it was... 137 00:16:45,710 --> 00:16:47,701 Holy shit! 138 00:16:54,350 --> 00:16:56,739 Come back, you bastard! 139 00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:02,423 Oh, what is this when it's at home? 140 00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:07,420 Hmm? Oh, yeah, I was very lucky to get hold of that. They don't usually send copies out. 141 00:17:07,990 --> 00:17:12,427 Not a fully graded print, but I thought I might cast my eye over it tonight. 142 00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:15,098 I'll get some popcorn in 143 00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:21,270 I'll do it again, all right? 144 00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:27,309 So it's fist, then crotch, in you go, knee right up hard in the balls. 145 00:17:27,510 --> 00:17:29,785 That's it. Try it again. 146 00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:33,385 Ah! Thanks for dropping by. 147 00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:36,542 Just wondered what your thoughts were on this one. 148 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:41,704 Woman appears to have topped herself, but we've got the feeling there might be more to it. 149 00:17:41,870 --> 00:17:46,864 Oh, what did you make of our little curiosity on Tuesday? The affair of the five walnuts? 150 00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:50,147 Unravelled rather deftly, I thought, by the local plod. 151 00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:54,940 Hmm. As solutions go, it came virtually gift-wrapped, wouldn't you say? 152 00:17:55,550 --> 00:18:00,704 Medical book next to the bed marked at a page that conveniently explained his condition? 153 00:18:01,390 --> 00:18:06,384 Didn't it strike you it was very odd the way those patches were sewn into his pyjamas? 154 00:18:07,230 --> 00:18:11,462 - It was almost as if... - OK, studio! Let's take a break. 155 00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:13,825 Run it past me later. 156 00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:18,461 Hello. We start tonight with the disturbing case of a female lawyer 157 00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:23,499 whose body was found two nights ago hanging from a light fitting in her North London office. 158 00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:26,824 A suicide? You decide. 159 00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:35,347 Marion Crespo was a solicitor in her mid-40s 160 00:18:35,510 --> 00:18:40,504 whose work for the Crown over the past ten years had led to many successful prosecutions. 161 00:18:41,310 --> 00:18:45,781 Sadly, we can only speculate as to the horrors that took place in this office 162 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:48,418 in the last few minutes of her life. 163 00:18:48,590 --> 00:18:51,582 As she sat at her desk working late into the night, 164 00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:55,026 was she disturbed perhaps by a violent intruder? 165 00:18:55,230 --> 00:19:01,180 Did she lash out in a desperate bid to escape before being overpowered by her assailant, 166 00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:06,140 who then strung her up from the ceiling to create the impression she'd hanged herself? 167 00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:13,821 Remember, the images you've just seen are based on conjecture, not fact, 168 00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:16,379 but bear these points in mind. 169 00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:21,021 One, Marion Crespo was happily married with no history of depression 170 00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:25,069 and no motive, as far as anyone could see, to take her own life. 171 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:28,905 Two, how could she possibly have hanged herself in the dark, 172 00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:33,541 given that when she was found, the lights in the room had been switched off? 173 00:19:33,710 --> 00:19:39,307 And three, who had been chewing the lump of gum that was found in this plant pot? 174 00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:45,544 Gum that, according to cleaning staff, was not there when they left the premises at... Ugh! 175 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:50,538 This is disgusting! Has this been in someone's mouth? 176 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:55,830 Come on, guys, let's get this sorted. That'll be ten minutes while we reset the nail polish! 177 00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:03,821 Baxter. 178 00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:08,984 Hi, where are you? I just got back. You'll be thrilled to know we're back on mains drainage, 179 00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:14,144 subject to a camera test they have to do in the pipes to see if any roots are coming through, 180 00:21:14,310 --> 00:21:18,542 but the dreaded honey wagon has been safely dispatched and out of our lives. 181 00:21:19,230 --> 00:21:23,508 Not entirely, Brendan! Where the bloody hell do you think I'm ringing from? 182 00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:28,506 I've been banging and shouting myself hoarse in here! 183 00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:34,224 Well, this is a bit of a pickle. I don't know what to say. He said he was off to Nottingham. 184 00:21:34,430 --> 00:21:36,421 Nottingham?! 185 00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:45,869 Oh! 186 00:21:52,830 --> 00:21:54,309 Yes? 187 00:21:55,190 --> 00:21:57,420 Oh, hi. How are you? 188 00:22:08,510 --> 00:22:11,741 Oh, God, this is service! Thank you. 189 00:22:12,590 --> 00:22:15,980 Unfortunately, I've got no money on me, nothing. 190 00:22:16,190 --> 00:22:20,502 That's all right. We've been instructed to ask if you have any plans for dinner. 191 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:57,901 - Thanks. - Good luck. See you soon. 192 00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:08,868 You're slumming it. Must be a slow week. What happened to your wheels? 193 00:23:09,070 --> 00:23:11,823 Temporarily off the road. 194 00:23:12,030 --> 00:23:17,502 What's he up to, gormless tit? I thought after that coffin stunt, he'd have learnt his lesson. 195 00:23:17,710 --> 00:23:20,429 - Guy got crucified. - And then some. 196 00:23:20,630 --> 00:23:22,825 No, you misunderstand. 197 00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:44,741 Funny, isn't it? 198 00:23:44,910 --> 00:23:48,380 When people ask me what first attracted me to this business, 199 00:23:48,550 --> 00:23:52,907 the words "I might one day get to scrape bird crap off a guy on a cross" 200 00:23:53,070 --> 00:23:55,300 rarely spring to my lips. 201 00:23:55,470 --> 00:23:57,938 Of all the barmy publicity stunts! 202 00:23:58,110 --> 00:24:01,182 If people think I'm a quitter, they can think again. 203 00:24:01,350 --> 00:24:04,422 This is about the power of the human will, Jonathan. 204 00:24:04,590 --> 00:24:07,582 To confront a challenge as old as mankind itself. 205 00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:10,503 Let the world bear witness this is no trick. 206 00:24:11,230 --> 00:24:14,427 The triumph of belief and determination over adversity. 207 00:24:14,590 --> 00:24:18,663 And this time, I'm not gonna give them any reason to stop me. 208 00:24:19,190 --> 00:24:24,184 Are you seriously planning to stay up here for seven days? You'll go slowly out of your mind. 209 00:24:25,070 --> 00:24:30,064 Can you move those two girls away, please? I'm in danger of seeing down their blouses. 210 00:24:31,390 --> 00:24:33,745 See? It's started. 211 00:24:51,070 --> 00:24:54,904 You do that show with what's-her-name? Blondie on the beat? 212 00:24:55,070 --> 00:24:59,541 - I try not to make a habit of it. - You might want to give her some advice. 213 00:24:59,710 --> 00:25:02,702 To be very careful about the company she keeps. 214 00:25:02,870 --> 00:25:05,384 That lady lawyer they found in a noose... 215 00:25:06,470 --> 00:25:08,984 I know who did it. 216 00:25:09,190 --> 00:25:11,704 And I've got it on film. 217 00:25:12,670 --> 00:25:17,460 Slight problem at the moment. It's in the boot of my car and my car's been nicked. 218 00:25:17,630 --> 00:25:20,428 Without evidence, no one's gonna believe me. 219 00:25:20,590 --> 00:25:25,106 - Either way, shouldn't you go to the police? - That's where I have a problem. 220 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:31,741 Mmm! 221 00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:35,906 One of my late wife's many fine bequests. 222 00:25:36,710 --> 00:25:39,702 I can give you the recipe. Anyway, thanks. 223 00:25:41,070 --> 00:25:44,346 For giving me a reason not to eat off my lap tonight. 224 00:25:44,550 --> 00:25:49,260 Well, it beats an evening in staring at my husband's colon. 225 00:25:49,470 --> 00:25:51,779 Let's not go there. 226 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:55,260 And it's been great to fill in a bit of background. 227 00:25:55,470 --> 00:26:00,464 God, it's got to be a nightmare, your job. Headless bodies first thing in the morning? 228 00:26:01,110 --> 00:26:05,581 I suppose I'm fascinated to know what sort of person can cope with all that. 229 00:26:06,310 --> 00:26:09,507 Someone who can take death in their stride, I suppose. 230 00:26:10,470 --> 00:26:13,462 Oh, sorry. Can I...? 231 00:26:18,390 --> 00:26:20,381 Hello. Carla Borrego. 232 00:26:21,670 --> 00:26:25,185 Actually, not that convenient, Jonathan. As it happens, I... 233 00:26:29,830 --> 00:26:31,309 What? 234 00:26:33,990 --> 00:26:35,981 When was this? 235 00:26:40,190 --> 00:26:42,784 So what exactly are you telling me? 236 00:26:46,510 --> 00:26:49,343 Right. I think I've got that. 237 00:26:50,070 --> 00:26:52,903 And... I'll probably call you later, then. 238 00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,621 OK. Bye. 239 00:26:58,670 --> 00:27:01,662 Well, I suppose I'd better be getting along now really. 240 00:27:01,830 --> 00:27:04,219 When you've had your coffee? 241 00:27:04,390 --> 00:27:06,187 Oh, thanks. 242 00:27:06,350 --> 00:27:09,547 It'll be hot. 243 00:27:24,350 --> 00:27:26,147 Yes... 244 00:27:26,310 --> 00:27:28,778 Death is a big subject. 245 00:27:29,590 --> 00:27:32,582 - It is. - Too big for most people. 246 00:27:34,710 --> 00:27:36,701 It frightens them. 247 00:27:37,670 --> 00:27:40,468 So they close their eyes. 248 00:27:44,110 --> 00:27:46,101 Box it away. 249 00:27:46,990 --> 00:27:50,903 And try to forget that it's going to happen. 250 00:27:52,110 --> 00:27:54,670 Only one day we all have to be prepared. 251 00:27:54,830 --> 00:27:57,822 You know, to open that box. 252 00:27:59,230 --> 00:28:01,221 And maybe... 253 00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:04,898 ...we shouldn't be scared of what's inside. 254 00:28:09,190 --> 00:28:12,387 Maybe we... 255 00:28:17,430 --> 00:28:20,024 Sorry. You're... busy. 256 00:28:20,990 --> 00:28:23,788 - I'll just... - No, I was just going, so... 257 00:28:23,950 --> 00:28:28,102 You got my message, then? A phone call would have been nice. 258 00:28:28,310 --> 00:28:31,268 I've had things to do. And I'm here, right? 259 00:28:31,470 --> 00:28:33,028 Right. 260 00:28:33,190 --> 00:28:38,787 You know, my daughter and I have things to discuss, so let's see if we can get you a cab. 261 00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:49,143 Lovely. You're so kind. You'll get this back first thing tomorrow. Goodnight. 262 00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:51,107 Goodnight. 263 00:28:56,550 --> 00:28:59,747 Actually, um, just here will be great. 264 00:29:00,710 --> 00:29:02,029 Thanks. 265 00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:18,178 Why didn't you tell me about this, Jessica? 266 00:29:18,350 --> 00:29:22,502 Because it's not true is why! I don't know what more you want! 267 00:29:22,710 --> 00:29:27,261 It's like everything you asked of me, you know, I did it. 268 00:29:27,470 --> 00:29:33,306 This is... I don't know what this is! And I don't know why we have to even discuss it! 269 00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:38,669 Because we have a contract, Jessica. Both of us! With Mr G. 270 00:29:39,510 --> 00:29:43,788 And I think we might just care what HE'S gonna make of it all. 271 00:29:49,150 --> 00:29:51,425 Yeah, I'm sorry, OK? 272 00:29:51,590 --> 00:29:53,581 But you know... 273 00:29:55,670 --> 00:29:57,979 I have to do this. 274 00:30:40,990 --> 00:30:43,504 Hello! Is anyone about? 275 00:30:44,590 --> 00:30:48,026 - Shut the door and get over there! - Are you Dick Turpin 276 00:30:48,230 --> 00:30:50,698 Just watch where you're treading! 277 00:30:50,870 --> 00:30:53,782 Like a Tracey Emin retrospective! God spare us! 278 00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:59,260 After what you told me on the phone, it all started to snowball suddenly in my mind. 279 00:30:59,430 --> 00:31:02,945 That gum they found in the plant pot - HE chews gum. 280 00:31:03,710 --> 00:31:09,501 And if there's any here in his rubbish, we could get it checked for DNA and see if they match. 281 00:31:09,710 --> 00:31:13,908 And while I'm doing that, there's a whole file of stuff on her over there, 282 00:31:14,070 --> 00:31:17,540 our lynched lady lawyer, which might yield a clue. 283 00:31:18,430 --> 00:31:20,944 So you want to make yourself useful? 284 00:31:22,070 --> 00:31:25,858 I wasn't half relieved when that daughter of his showed up tonight! 285 00:31:26,070 --> 00:31:29,983 Just as he was giving me this weird number about preparing for death. 286 00:31:30,870 --> 00:31:34,988 Then later on when I snuck back, he was waving these papers at her 287 00:31:35,150 --> 00:31:39,666 and going on about a contract with someone called Mr G. 288 00:31:40,910 --> 00:31:43,663 But what was creepy, I don't know... 289 00:31:44,310 --> 00:31:46,983 He'd got like this small wooden casket... 290 00:31:47,630 --> 00:31:51,418 he was just about to open which I can't explain... 291 00:31:52,110 --> 00:31:55,659 It felt like it had some kind of strange power. 292 00:31:55,870 --> 00:31:58,179 Like the one in "Hellraiser" 293 00:31:58,350 --> 00:32:02,628 whose demonic porthole spewed forth the progeny of the damned? 294 00:32:04,150 --> 00:32:09,668 If we could raise our game above the level of a school playground, I'm trying to be sensible! 295 00:32:10,350 --> 00:32:15,868 Coming from someone looking for spearmint up a chicken's bottom, that's sound advice 296 00:32:16,070 --> 00:32:20,063 I think we need to concentrate on essentials here, don't we? 297 00:32:20,590 --> 00:32:25,584 If he did go there deliberately to kill her, who would have known about it in advance 298 00:32:25,750 --> 00:32:30,028 and wanted to tip off the press, so it would all be caught on camera? 299 00:32:30,670 --> 00:32:32,183 What? 300 00:32:36,550 --> 00:32:42,420 March '87, she put together a very strong case against a couple of East End professionals, 301 00:32:42,590 --> 00:32:46,902 Jason Lee and Patrick MacDonald, leading to their conviction. 302 00:32:47,790 --> 00:32:52,261 A case in which she was assisted by an up-and-coming detective sergeant. 303 00:32:52,790 --> 00:32:54,781 Adrian Fell. 304 00:32:54,990 --> 00:32:58,460 - That is interesting. - But not as interesting as this. 305 00:32:59,030 --> 00:33:04,388 It says it all hinged on the word of a former associate of the defendants, Derek Crozier. 306 00:33:05,550 --> 00:33:09,543 He turned Queen's evidence in return for immunity from prosecution 307 00:33:09,710 --> 00:33:14,545 and subsequent witness protection involving a complete change of identity. 308 00:33:15,230 --> 00:33:18,620 A few pounds lighter in those days, but what do you think? 309 00:33:19,350 --> 00:33:21,784 God! It is him, isn't it? 310 00:33:23,990 --> 00:33:26,379 The guy with the walnuts. 311 00:33:30,390 --> 00:33:33,109 Why do I feel guilty when you do this? 312 00:33:33,270 --> 00:33:35,261 Because it's completely illegal? 313 00:33:47,030 --> 00:33:51,182 So what's our thinking now? He didn't die a natural death at all? 314 00:33:51,350 --> 00:33:53,739 It's a hell of a coincidence. 315 00:33:53,910 --> 00:33:58,700 Two people who helped put those gangsters behind bars both come to a sticky end 316 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:01,065 in the space of 24 hours. 317 00:34:02,150 --> 00:34:04,345 Which is why I think... 318 00:34:06,750 --> 00:34:11,585 I need to carry out a little experiment with these pyjamas. 319 00:34:15,710 --> 00:34:18,304 Now, how tall are we saying this guy was? 320 00:34:20,190 --> 00:34:22,624 He was more your height than mine. 321 00:34:22,790 --> 00:34:24,587 I guess. 322 00:34:24,750 --> 00:34:28,868 In which case... think you could do the honours? 323 00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:52,463 - So, are you nearly done? - Done. 324 00:34:56,790 --> 00:35:02,262 I'm not sure it's gonna work so well with the trousers all bunched up around the back. 325 00:35:04,270 --> 00:35:06,261 We'll just... 326 00:35:13,510 --> 00:35:16,900 - And how is it? - Well, I can feel it, but... 327 00:35:17,070 --> 00:35:22,383 It won't exactly keep you awake because it's in the small of your back, whereas... 328 00:35:24,630 --> 00:35:26,621 But here... 329 00:35:27,630 --> 00:35:29,109 Aagh! 330 00:35:29,270 --> 00:35:33,263 That would definitely drive me over on to my side. 331 00:35:33,470 --> 00:35:35,825 Which is meant to be the point. 332 00:35:36,470 --> 00:35:38,984 So he wouldn't risk choking. 333 00:35:39,670 --> 00:35:41,661 Which suggests...? 334 00:35:41,830 --> 00:35:47,700 Whoever set this up to disguise the fact they probably suffocated him with a pillow... 335 00:35:48,830 --> 00:35:51,344 ...didn't totally think it through. 336 00:36:03,470 --> 00:36:05,700 But the bolts on the door...? 337 00:36:05,870 --> 00:36:08,384 Almost certainly drawn shut from the other side. 338 00:36:13,030 --> 00:36:18,388 A couple of bits of twine soaked in paraffin that could be burnt off afterwards. 339 00:36:22,030 --> 00:36:25,625 - Page one stuff really. - To a sealed room specialist. 340 00:36:30,230 --> 00:36:32,983 - Time we were in bed. - Yeah. 341 00:36:36,950 --> 00:36:40,943 It might pay to just sit on this for a bit until things are clearer. 342 00:36:41,110 --> 00:36:46,628 Till we can get that gum or come up with a name of someone here that begins with "G". 343 00:36:50,870 --> 00:36:54,658 Anyway... I'm taking you where now? 344 00:36:55,310 --> 00:36:57,346 Back to the hotel presumably... 345 00:37:20,590 --> 00:37:23,058 Darling, we're a bit late. I'm sorry. 346 00:37:23,230 --> 00:37:27,746 What time did you crawl in last night? You were dead to the world when I left. 347 00:37:27,910 --> 00:37:30,424 I know, but we think we may have... 348 00:37:30,590 --> 00:37:35,106 You said something on the phone about a new angle on that body in the bedroom, 349 00:37:35,270 --> 00:37:39,821 which we can run past the Inspector, who had a 12 o'clock window this morning. 350 00:37:40,030 --> 00:37:42,544 So if you want to just park your bottoms... 351 00:37:42,710 --> 00:37:46,225 Of course, I don't think you've met our gentle genius yet. 352 00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:49,422 Jonathan Creek, the man who can re-route reality. 353 00:37:49,590 --> 00:37:51,660 No, but may I say 354 00:37:51,830 --> 00:37:56,108 that your work on the Forrest Sweetland murder impressed a great many of us. 355 00:37:57,910 --> 00:38:00,378 So what have you got for me? 356 00:38:01,630 --> 00:38:04,588 Well, to my way of thinking, 357 00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:09,665 those things in his pyjamas had been sewn in much too far down to really work, 358 00:38:09,830 --> 00:38:12,298 and I don't know about the sleep apnoea thing. 359 00:38:12,510 --> 00:38:17,903 But I cross-checked with a specialist. It does happen. Except... 360 00:38:18,110 --> 00:38:22,228 there's more, isn't there, that you've found out here 361 00:38:22,430 --> 00:38:25,149 you don't want to share with me. 362 00:38:25,310 --> 00:38:27,301 Mr Baxter! 363 00:38:27,670 --> 00:38:29,945 I'm really sorry, sir, but I... 364 00:38:30,110 --> 00:38:32,101 What is it? 365 00:38:56,950 --> 00:39:01,740 OK, you're going to take her word for this against mine? 366 00:39:01,950 --> 00:39:05,465 It's not a question of my word. It's on camera. 367 00:39:06,390 --> 00:39:11,510 Why do you think I waited three days till some arse finished joyriding round with the evidence? 368 00:39:11,710 --> 00:39:14,270 I mean, how does it go here exactly? 369 00:39:14,470 --> 00:39:20,500 The killer comes in, strings her up, wearing an Inspector Fell mask from the local joke shop? 370 00:39:20,710 --> 00:39:24,988 - Jesus Christ Almighty! - Yes, OK, Herbie! Enough! 371 00:39:27,710 --> 00:39:29,701 All right. 372 00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:33,105 Here's the whole deal. 373 00:39:33,590 --> 00:39:38,141 Jessica, my daughter, has had some problems. 374 00:39:39,790 --> 00:39:44,784 Chemical dependency, buying and selling. Well, how often does it happen? 375 00:39:44,990 --> 00:39:48,983 She picked the wrong friends, they fell on her like vultures. 376 00:39:49,190 --> 00:39:51,704 In the space of a year, she was a ghost. 377 00:39:52,550 --> 00:39:58,546 Well, between us, it took a lot of pain, a lot of work, 378 00:39:58,710 --> 00:40:02,339 but she got through it. 379 00:40:02,510 --> 00:40:07,538 The bench was lenient, but she knew what to expect if she ever went back, so... 380 00:40:07,750 --> 00:40:11,425 Spool forward 18 months to last Monday. 381 00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:16,504 This woman Marion Crespo sends me a letter... 382 00:40:17,310 --> 00:40:22,828 advising me that certain sworn statements have come into her possession about my daughter. 383 00:40:23,790 --> 00:40:27,100 Basically, a major drugs bust she was handling 384 00:40:27,310 --> 00:40:30,302 and Jess had been named as one of the suppliers. 385 00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:35,260 And it might be in my interest to drop by for a discreet inspection of the documents. 386 00:40:35,430 --> 00:40:37,990 So I get there and find the place empty. 387 00:40:38,150 --> 00:40:41,381 Naturally, I'm not gonna sit around twiddling my thumbs. 388 00:40:42,070 --> 00:40:45,699 You found that bit of gum I dumped in the plant pot in the corner. 389 00:40:46,390 --> 00:40:48,346 Big deal. 390 00:40:48,510 --> 00:40:53,061 So, yeah, I had a sniff around to locate the material in question, 391 00:40:53,270 --> 00:40:58,390 which, as she said, isn't gonna look good on my daughter's CV. 392 00:41:00,870 --> 00:41:03,862 No point now waiting for this person to show up 393 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:08,666 and I don't particularly want to advertise the fact that I'd been there. 394 00:41:09,350 --> 00:41:14,026 All I could think about now was, "How did this happen 395 00:41:14,190 --> 00:41:17,307 "when she had given me every reason to trust her?" 396 00:41:17,470 --> 00:41:19,938 I don't know why we have to even discuss this! 397 00:41:20,950 --> 00:41:23,339 What do you want me to say? 398 00:41:24,350 --> 00:41:27,581 How much fun did you have putting these together? 399 00:41:27,790 --> 00:41:30,987 Can't you see this whole thing's a fit-up? 400 00:41:31,150 --> 00:41:34,984 Someone who wants to see us both suffer. 401 00:41:40,230 --> 00:41:42,186 Don't believe me, do you? 402 00:41:45,550 --> 00:41:47,541 Not one of you. 403 00:42:03,190 --> 00:42:08,708 So, I suppose... What do you think? He shut her up because she was trying to blackmail him? 404 00:42:09,830 --> 00:42:12,469 Something he said in there... Did you notice? 405 00:42:13,270 --> 00:42:18,264 That gum he'd been chewing was found in the potted palm to the right of the door. 406 00:42:18,430 --> 00:42:22,742 But what did he say? That he dumped it in the plant pot in the corner. 407 00:42:22,950 --> 00:42:28,070 The one near her desk? Why would anyone move a lump of gum from one pot to another? 408 00:42:29,510 --> 00:42:31,899 That's a very good question. 409 00:42:32,070 --> 00:42:36,825 That's the kind of piddling detail that could turn this whole business inside out. 410 00:42:40,950 --> 00:42:42,941 Jonathan Creek. 411 00:42:43,630 --> 00:42:44,949 Oh, don't! 412 00:42:48,550 --> 00:42:51,542 If it weren't for the unfortunate iconic imagery here, 413 00:42:51,710 --> 00:42:55,703 this could be straight out of a Merrie Melodies cartoon of the 1940s! 414 00:42:55,870 --> 00:42:57,861 Jonathan, help me! 415 00:42:58,030 --> 00:43:01,659 Got your prime comic ingredients all nicely in place, 416 00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:05,948 the precariously poised fall guy with steaming pile of manure. 417 00:43:06,150 --> 00:43:09,381 What would Tex Avery have done here, I wonder? 418 00:43:22,710 --> 00:43:24,428 Stop! 419 00:43:33,550 --> 00:43:38,101 There's always a chance he's right, I suppose - she did fake those pictures. 420 00:43:38,310 --> 00:43:41,188 - Hmm... - I can't help feeling 421 00:43:41,350 --> 00:43:43,625 he's hiding something from us, even now. 422 00:43:44,510 --> 00:43:47,547 - Heave! Heave! - Come on! 423 00:43:49,470 --> 00:43:54,100 He doesn't care, does he, your man, I'll give him that, who he offends? 424 00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:57,266 These days, that's virtually nobody. 425 00:43:57,430 --> 00:44:00,945 In fact, this whole exercise has been... What would you say? 426 00:44:01,110 --> 00:44:03,385 Monumentally pointless? 427 00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:16,139 On the other hand, has it made some things blindingly clear? 428 00:44:16,350 --> 00:44:21,629 Well done, guys. I think I'm just about, yeah, pretty damn perpendicular. 429 00:44:21,790 --> 00:44:24,702 Whoaaaaa! 430 00:44:25,190 --> 00:44:28,899 Careful with him. He could have broken his spine. 431 00:44:30,390 --> 00:44:33,621 Just go now, all of you. Leave it with us. 432 00:44:46,190 --> 00:44:51,583 So... dare I ask what it was that suddenly came to you back then? 433 00:44:52,110 --> 00:44:53,429 Hmm? 434 00:44:55,110 --> 00:44:57,578 Oh, yeah, well, it could be nothing. 435 00:44:58,550 --> 00:45:02,987 Or it could be I'm just starting to see what Mr Fell is all about. 436 00:45:03,150 --> 00:45:08,907 In which case, I'm thinking all roads lead back to Marion Crespo's office, 437 00:45:09,070 --> 00:45:11,425 where the key to this whole affair... 438 00:45:19,750 --> 00:45:22,503 Jonathan? Oh, God! 439 00:45:23,750 --> 00:45:25,741 Adam? 440 00:45:25,910 --> 00:45:29,744 - What the hell? - Who was on that stretcher, then? 441 00:45:29,950 --> 00:45:34,023 Oh, no. They couldn't possibly have... 442 00:46:05,630 --> 00:46:07,700 OK, Sergeant. 443 00:46:09,630 --> 00:46:11,109 Thanks. 444 00:46:29,470 --> 00:46:31,461 What did they tell you? 445 00:46:31,630 --> 00:46:33,382 Everything. 446 00:46:33,550 --> 00:46:36,667 And... what do you believe? 447 00:46:38,510 --> 00:46:41,183 What do you want me to believe? 448 00:46:48,350 --> 00:46:52,502 Yes, this is a message for Sergeant Bryant from Jonathan Creek. 449 00:46:52,670 --> 00:46:55,264 We're on our way to Marion Crespo's office. 450 00:46:55,470 --> 00:46:59,588 It'll take us about an hour. If you've got a second to meet us there... 451 00:47:40,910 --> 00:47:42,229 Ah. 452 00:47:43,030 --> 00:47:46,784 Now, now, now. I think that answers our first question. 453 00:48:30,510 --> 00:48:34,344 So if you're saying he put the gum in this pot here... 454 00:48:34,510 --> 00:48:37,946 how did it end up over there? 455 00:48:38,150 --> 00:48:41,779 - It doesn't make any sense. - On the contrary, 456 00:48:41,950 --> 00:48:46,978 if you look at what actually happened here, what he said makes perfect sense. 457 00:48:48,830 --> 00:48:53,381 Because it defines the whole, thoroughly nasty, premeditated operation. 458 00:49:12,030 --> 00:49:16,865 I wouldn't mind a clue now about what it is I'm supposed to be feeling excited about. 459 00:49:17,070 --> 00:49:20,187 You'll be telling me next what was in that box of his. 460 00:49:20,390 --> 00:49:24,906 No, but from the way you told it, I can make a pretty smart guess. 461 00:49:27,390 --> 00:49:31,383 Come on. Haven't you worked out who Mr G is yet? 462 00:49:33,270 --> 00:49:38,390 Why Inspector Fell might have wanted to prepare you for death the other night? 463 00:49:40,710 --> 00:49:43,065 Like he said, nowadays it's the last... 464 00:49:53,470 --> 00:49:55,745 Aaagh! Ohhh! 465 00:49:56,990 --> 00:50:00,983 Sorry to spoil your fun, Mr MacDonald, but you are nicked. 466 00:50:10,430 --> 00:50:14,946 Tempting as it is to put this down to the press going about their normal business, 467 00:50:15,110 --> 00:50:17,908 peddlers of lies and distortion, 468 00:50:18,110 --> 00:50:22,626 Hattie Baron, as it turns out, was just part of a much bigger set-up here, 469 00:50:22,790 --> 00:50:27,864 a set-up we're now aware stemmed from the nastiest piece of work in this whole affair. 470 00:50:29,830 --> 00:50:33,823 If I'd recognised Crozier in that bed, I might have got there sooner. 471 00:50:34,630 --> 00:50:37,827 Just to say we're on our way to Marion Crespo's office. 472 00:50:37,990 --> 00:50:41,505 Once it clicked and I picked up your call on the office voicemail, 473 00:50:41,670 --> 00:50:44,468 oh, yes, lovely Patrick James MacDonald. 474 00:50:45,070 --> 00:50:49,063 Closest we'll ever get probably to a real-life Napoleon of crime, 475 00:50:49,230 --> 00:50:53,826 finally nailed, along with his chum Jason Lee, in March 1987, 476 00:50:53,990 --> 00:50:58,984 on a fairly breathtaking raft of charges that appeared to have put them both away for life. 477 00:50:59,150 --> 00:51:02,347 But I think you've got an update for us, Sergeant. 478 00:51:02,510 --> 00:51:06,947 3rd of June, '92, Lee appears to have lost the plot 479 00:51:07,110 --> 00:51:10,864 and strung himself up with some knotted tea towels. 480 00:51:11,070 --> 00:51:15,268 Macdonald, helped by a smart legal team, managed to swing an early parole. 481 00:51:15,430 --> 00:51:19,264 Ended up back in circulation just over a month ago. 482 00:51:19,430 --> 00:51:21,864 Vowing, we can assume, to get even 483 00:51:22,070 --> 00:51:25,460 with three people who, by now, he didn't like very much - 484 00:51:25,630 --> 00:51:29,543 the key witness at his trial, the lawyer who put the case together 485 00:51:29,750 --> 00:51:32,344 and the young detective who brought him in. 486 00:51:32,510 --> 00:51:37,106 Mr Rumpole didn't hang around very long - victim of a rare sleeping disorder, 487 00:51:37,270 --> 00:51:39,579 we were meant to believe, 488 00:51:39,750 --> 00:51:43,584 while Ms Crespo goes the way of his late colleague at the end of a rope. 489 00:51:43,750 --> 00:51:48,585 And to round it all off, what could be sweeter than to see the police officer 490 00:51:48,750 --> 00:51:51,389 put away for a murder he didn't commit? 491 00:51:52,310 --> 00:51:55,780 So a couple of letters go out, one to get you into this office 492 00:51:55,950 --> 00:51:58,942 to check out those rigged statements about your daughter, 493 00:51:59,110 --> 00:52:04,184 the other to a hungry press photographer who'll make the most of whatever she sees 494 00:52:04,350 --> 00:52:08,741 from that stairwell in the building opposite. 495 00:52:10,990 --> 00:52:13,140 What did she see? 496 00:52:14,270 --> 00:52:17,785 Answer - exactly what she was meant to. 497 00:52:19,670 --> 00:52:24,141 The whole point being the position of the observer here was critical. 498 00:52:26,030 --> 00:52:29,625 In the face of fairly damning evidence, 499 00:52:29,790 --> 00:52:34,068 a chance remark about some chewing gum threw up a possible lifeline. 500 00:52:34,790 --> 00:52:40,262 How do we square the fact it was thrown in the pot in the corner, but found in this one here? 501 00:52:40,470 --> 00:52:45,544 Who's gonna move a bit of gum or a potted plant around after you'd left the room, and why? 502 00:52:46,390 --> 00:52:48,858 Unless, of course, they didn't. 503 00:52:49,390 --> 00:52:52,780 And the gum was found exactly where you threw it. 504 00:52:54,070 --> 00:52:59,747 In a plant pot in the corner, only not the corner we were thinking of... 505 00:53:00,590 --> 00:53:05,345 the whole objective here being to place you at the scene of a murder 506 00:53:05,510 --> 00:53:07,865 without you realising it. 507 00:53:12,510 --> 00:53:17,265 Let's say the deed's been done an hour or so beforehand. 508 00:53:27,310 --> 00:53:33,340 Then, crucially, a thin partition goes up to screen off the body. 509 00:53:33,950 --> 00:53:38,023 Decorators have already been planted there tarting up the premises, 510 00:53:38,190 --> 00:53:42,980 so a few bits of plasterboard knocking about aren't going to attract much attention. 511 00:53:44,070 --> 00:53:47,904 Vital, of course, for you to be discovered at just the right moment, 512 00:53:48,070 --> 00:53:52,666 which would be down to that security officer she had to wait around for on the stairs. 513 00:54:00,390 --> 00:54:03,541 All you see when you walk in is an empty room, 514 00:54:03,750 --> 00:54:07,982 but to Hattie and her camera, the scene appears quite different. 515 00:54:13,750 --> 00:54:17,379 For a bit of dressing, they re-hang a few pictures. 516 00:54:18,070 --> 00:54:21,699 A not very flattering cartoon about the police 517 00:54:21,910 --> 00:54:25,220 I imagine caused that sneer just before you left the room. 518 00:54:30,670 --> 00:54:33,309 They made it all good again afterwards. 519 00:54:35,670 --> 00:54:39,663 Apart from a few tell-tale holes where they had braced the panels. 520 00:54:43,110 --> 00:54:48,423 Of course, the irony here is if we'd had a clearer take on the fundamentals in your life... 521 00:54:49,350 --> 00:54:52,865 we'd have seen how really unlikely these charges were. 522 00:54:55,750 --> 00:55:00,744 A tiny trigger point this morning which, looking back, was probably quite significant. 523 00:55:00,910 --> 00:55:03,424 So the killer comes in, strings her up, 524 00:55:03,590 --> 00:55:08,061 wearing an Inspector Fell mask from the local joke shop. Jesus Christ Almighty! 525 00:55:08,270 --> 00:55:11,342 Yes, OK, Herbie! Enough! 526 00:55:11,510 --> 00:55:17,267 It wasn't the hectoring tone, was it, cut through you at that point like a knife? 527 00:55:19,230 --> 00:55:21,221 But the words. 528 00:55:21,870 --> 00:55:25,101 Because you've never made anything of your faith. 529 00:55:25,310 --> 00:55:30,304 In a country where these days a mock crucifixion would barely raise an eyebrow 530 00:55:30,470 --> 00:55:35,305 and in a job where a committed Christian runs the risk of ridicule. 531 00:55:37,790 --> 00:55:39,781 Like the rest of us, 532 00:55:39,950 --> 00:55:43,738 he's had some bad press up there over the years, but... 533 00:55:43,910 --> 00:55:46,060 Mr G? 534 00:55:49,470 --> 00:55:53,622 If you get past all the rant and the ritual... 535 00:55:54,350 --> 00:55:56,864 past all the religion basically... 536 00:55:57,550 --> 00:56:01,623 to what's good, worth building your life around. 537 00:56:03,230 --> 00:56:06,347 I mean, yeah... you know... 538 00:56:07,710 --> 00:56:10,782 we could all do a lot worse. 539 00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:27,862 I swear on the Holy Bible that I'm telling the truth. 540 00:57:00,430 --> 00:57:05,458 Can you put hope in a box... and lock it away? 541 00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:14,628 Well, someone certainly looked after you today, eh? 542 00:57:16,710 --> 00:57:18,860 They have. 543 00:57:19,750 --> 00:57:21,741 And thanks. 544 00:57:26,070 --> 00:57:31,224 Good God above, Brendan. This is possibly the most revolting thing I've ever seen. 545 00:57:31,390 --> 00:57:36,305 This is what you spent the last three nights glued to after supper? 546 00:57:36,510 --> 00:57:41,630 It's not "Fantastic Voyage". What did you expect? Donald Pleasance? 547 00:57:41,830 --> 00:57:44,742 I think they lowered in a cable, didn't they? 548 00:57:45,750 --> 00:57:47,149 There you go, then. 549 00:57:47,310 --> 00:57:51,906 Basic mechanics of the Marion Crespo thing, and I've scribbled a couple of diagrams there. 550 00:57:52,790 --> 00:57:58,626 Thanks. That'll be just the ticket. You mock me, people, but listen to this. 551 00:57:58,790 --> 00:58:02,942 "We thought you would like to know that the endoscopy of your transverse colon 552 00:58:03,150 --> 00:58:06,142 "was judged to be the perfect archetype of its kind 553 00:58:06,310 --> 00:58:10,940 "and was first choice for inclusion in our reference library. " Yes! 554 00:58:11,110 --> 00:58:15,467 "In addition, the panel were impressed by an earlier study of your Fallopian tubes, 555 00:58:15,670 --> 00:58:17,900 "which was also of exceptional... " 556 00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:22,101 - Fallopian tubes? - Yeah. This envelope... 557 00:58:22,710 --> 00:58:25,747 Think they got you mixed up with someone else? 558 00:58:25,910 --> 00:58:29,505 So this wasn't even your video in the first place? 559 00:58:29,670 --> 00:58:33,026 How did that happen? Where did you get that tape from? 560 00:58:33,230 --> 00:58:38,862 - It was on top of the TV where you left it. - I left it on the table here. 561 00:58:40,110 --> 00:58:43,102 THAT is the video survey they did on our drain. 562 00:58:43,830 --> 00:58:48,950 They feed a camera down the pipe and... That's what you think my insides look like? 563 00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:52,381 With tree roots poking through and all that sludge and... 564 00:58:52,590 --> 00:58:55,388 - I'm not an expert! - Not an expert? 565 00:58:56,630 --> 00:58:59,144 Never mind. Come on. We're going to this do. 566 00:58:59,310 --> 00:59:03,826 To which you're more than welcome, Jonathan. The ITV winter press launch. 567 00:59:03,990 --> 00:59:07,539 Brendan's got four new prime-time shows about to be previewed. 568 00:59:08,230 --> 00:59:12,223 Unless you'd rather stay and stare at the contents of a sewer! 569 00:59:14,950 --> 00:59:16,702 No contest, Brendan.