1 00:00:19,059 --> 00:00:20,059 Season 5, Episode 1: The Letters of Septimus Noone 2 00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:34,060 DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 3 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:46,210 My God, who did this thing?! 4 00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:48,100 Mathilde, speak to me! 5 00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:53,180 In the darkness, scarce I saw him 6 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:57,820 Man or beast, I could not tell PHONE RINGS 7 00:00:58,620 --> 00:01:02,620 Soft his shadow fell before him 8 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:07,620 Apparition born in Hell 9 00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:12,380 Ghostly, ghastly, through the gloom 10 00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:16,460 He struck me down upon the stair 11 00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:21,940 Then a black abyss consumed me 12 00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:26,620 When I woke he was not there 13 00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:31,540 He had vanished in the air... 14 00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:33,730 But how could he have escaped 15 00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:37,330 through a locked door and a barred window?! 16 00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:39,410 It's impossible! 17 00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:43,460 What evil creature of the night 18 00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:47,820 Was here and then took flight? 19 00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:52,860 What phantom in this chamber Yet may hide? 20 00:01:53,620 --> 00:01:57,610 What demon in his dark domain May yet remain? 21 00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,330 WHISPERED ARGUMENT 22 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:04,380 What secrets in The Yellow Room reside? 23 00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:12,170 So, how did that work for you, then, tactically? 24 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:14,530 You might know the man would try and bite you in the neck. 25 00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:17,650 I might know he'd try and bite me in the neck? No! 26 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:21,490 Do we have to assume everyone in the theatre's a vampire now, do we? 27 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:24,050 Hi, Polly and Jonathan Creek, MMP Marketing. 28 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,810 we're here to see Zelda Niedlespascher. 29 00:02:25,860 --> 00:02:27,970 60 quid a throw, you expect a little decorum. 30 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:30,610 I'd hate to see where they try and bite you in the cheap seats... 31 00:02:30,660 --> 00:02:32,980 Can't you ever turn a blind eye to these things? 32 00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:37,570 It may not be our biggest account, but very high profile, 33 00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:39,530 and it'll be great to get their creative input 34 00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,610 on the rebranding strategy for next year. 35 00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:45,660 Yeah, well, The Mystery of the Yellow Room? I'm sorry, Gaston Leroux? 36 00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,250 Only happens to be one of THE benchmark novels 37 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,090 of impossible crime fiction. 38 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:54,050 Whereas THAT was just two and a half hours of complete and utter tos... 39 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,770 Ow! Polly and Jonathan, hello! Hello! 40 00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,530 Oh, mon Dieu, quel dommage! 41 00:02:58,580 --> 00:03:02,580 Mais, qu'est-ce qui s'est passe? On va au theatre, c'est comme la Bataille de la Somme. 42 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,730 I know, I know, you don't have to say it. 43 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:08,850 My whole interpretation in the gondola scene, 44 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:12,290 it lacked phrasing, it lacked modulation, it lacked intensity. 45 00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,330 It also lacked the gondola. Did you notice? 46 00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:17,210 Three nights now, Zelda, we have to walk on water because the man in 47 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:20,250 the wings with his toy boats can't pull a screwdriver out of his arse! 48 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,450 What's going on? Yes, yes, we fix in the morning, OK? 49 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:25,220 10.30, all the technicals. 50 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:29,250 And I cast these people! 51 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,930 A leading lady with no confidence, a leading man with no patience. 52 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,170 You want some true insights for your campaign? 53 00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:38,010 you should come back tomorrow and witness the chaos. 54 00:03:38,060 --> 00:03:40,850 Yes, well, tomorrow, sadly, we're out of town, aren't we? 55 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:44,250 Sunday lunch at Sharon's with their little eight-year-old? 56 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,690 Promised to go and say hello to the new pony. 57 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:48,090 Or had you forgotten? 58 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:51,250 No, no, no. I hadn't forgotten. 59 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:52,730 Hey, Angus. 60 00:03:52,780 --> 00:03:56,530 You all right? Oh, I've got some post for you. 61 00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:58,780 Thank you. Night-night, sweetie. 62 00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:35,730 Was it a late one? 63 00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:37,020 Sorry. 64 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,330 How was your day? 65 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:42,020 You all right? 66 00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:58,770 HE GRUNTS 67 00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,570 Stop it. Stop it! 68 00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:02,570 Stop it, get off me! Get off! 69 00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:04,490 What, what? For God's sake, what's wrong? 70 00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:07,890 What's wrong is that I'm not here any more, am I? 71 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:11,130 It's just you and her! You're wrong. 72 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:15,180 It's a sickness, Angus, what's going on with that woman in your head. 73 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,290 And I swear to God, you are going to have to deal with it, 74 00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:20,140 because I'm sorry, I can't! 75 00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:31,890 No, well, listen, it works for Roger. 76 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:34,370 I mean, an hour on the train each day, but what's that? 77 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:37,330 When you were born and brought up in the country, it's just... 78 00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,450 Cos obviously we've only just started looking around, but, 79 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:44,500 no, definitely feeling the time's right now to make the move. 80 00:05:44,820 --> 00:05:47,850 Anyway, listen. It's meant the world to her today, you coming over. 81 00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:49,970 Especially after that big upset this week, 82 00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:53,290 which, I have to say, she's taken amazingly well. 83 00:05:53,340 --> 00:05:55,170 Upset? 84 00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:59,220 Yeah. Last Tuesday was awful. Her imaginary friend died. 85 00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:02,890 They were out together playing in the garden, 86 00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:06,940 and this dragon came down and just completely burnt her alive, 87 00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:10,210 there on the spot, with its fiery breath. 88 00:06:10,260 --> 00:06:12,570 I mean, horrible, right? 89 00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:16,620 All that oozing skin, and eyes melting in their sockets? 90 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,330 But listen - did I tell you? 91 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,290 Ridley's going to be joining us for dinner tonight? Oh! 92 00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:25,530 Managed to sneak the weekend off from uni. 93 00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:28,250 You know he's been doing this module in advanced criminology? 94 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,770 I tell you, it's like this genius talent he's got for working things out 95 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:34,290 from the tiniest details and scraps of evidence. 96 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:37,730 Of course, that's his big dream, is a career in forensic detection, 97 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:40,930 so, obviously, you know, he's desperate to talk to your husband, 98 00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:43,570 about how to... Yeah. Jonathan's not a detective. 99 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,330 No, no. But all those weird cases he's solved. 100 00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,330 Yeah, are the very thing we're trying to put behind us, Sharon. 101 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:53,130 You know, it would be nice to live in the real world now if we can. 102 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:57,180 CHILD SCREAMS Ripley? What is it? What's happened! 103 00:06:57,260 --> 00:07:01,020 He chopped the head off my pony! 104 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:05,010 Chopped the head off her pony? 105 00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:07,850 What? What? 106 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:11,130 I was showing her some pictures I took of the two of them 107 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:13,130 and I said, "I'm sorry about that one. 108 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:16,170 "Looks like I've cut his head off. " How could you say such a thing! 109 00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:18,490 Don't you even THINK before you speak? 110 00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:20,130 She has a very vivid imagination. 111 00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:23,010 So what does she think I am now, some kind of hit man for the Mafia? 112 00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:25,050 She's only got to go in the stable, hasn't she? 113 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:28,210 See it's still standing there. Why would she go in the stable now, 114 00:07:28,260 --> 00:07:31,170 which she presumably thinks is swimming in horse's blood? 115 00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:35,130 Ripley, it's OK, he's fine, he's fine, I promise! 116 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:37,690 Ripley and Ridley. 117 00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:40,620 No prizes for guessing what her favourite film is. 118 00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:47,140 ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 119 00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:54,380 Drifting together in a daydream 120 00:07:56,540 --> 00:08:00,540 Floating for ever on a moonbeam 121 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:05,690 Beneath a dark enchanted night 122 00:08:05,740 --> 00:08:08,850 Where silver stars Bestow their light 123 00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:12,770 Upon the waters from above 124 00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:14,850 Where on an evening such as this 125 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,530 An angel watching our first kiss 126 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:21,580 Came down and taught us how to love... 127 00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:24,210 Whoa, whoa, whoa! SHE RETCHES 128 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,090 TUBA PARPS OFF KEY 129 00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:28,530 SHE COUGHS 130 00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:30,810 Oh, my God! For God's sake, Zelda! 131 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,300 It's all right, sweetheart, it's OK. 132 00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:37,050 What did I say? 133 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,730 I said we'd not seen the last of that sweet and sour squid. 134 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,170 Just a touch of mal de mer, you'll be fine. 135 00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:45,770 It's not that, Darryl, it's me, 136 00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,370 I'm rubbish. 137 00:08:47,420 --> 00:08:49,370 The things you read now. 138 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:53,250 Apparently, I'm just this third-rate maladroit soubrette. 139 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,050 Blonde, bland, and blind to her own inadequacies. 140 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,890 Critics! It's the public you should listen to. 141 00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:02,850 Oh, that was the public. That was in the ladies' toilet upstairs. 142 00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,890 Written on the cistern, in lipstick. 143 00:09:04,940 --> 00:09:06,930 TUBA PARPS, SPLOSHING 144 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:10,980 Today's fan club, tomorrow's lynch mob. What are they like? 145 00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:13,850 Here. Thank you. 146 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:17,900 I tell you, there's some really frightening people out there. 147 00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:21,380 OK, first positions then, everyone, let's start again! 148 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,540 Bye, Juno. Bye. 149 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:14,380 DISTANT YELLING 150 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,540 GLASS SMASHES, DOG BARKS 151 00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:24,300 DISTANT SHOUTS 152 00:10:28,620 --> 00:10:31,370 You - Juno Pirelli? 153 00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:33,210 I've got a present for you. 154 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,100 SHE GASPS 155 00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:50,140 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! No, no, no, no! 156 00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,010 No, no, no! 157 00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:57,010 No! Oh, no! Oh, no! 158 00:10:57,060 --> 00:10:58,970 What have you done?! 159 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:02,610 Oh, shit, oh, shit! Jesus, what have you done?! 160 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:05,540 Get away from her! Get away! Open that door! 161 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:09,610 It's OK. JUNO GASPS 162 00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:11,620 TYRES SCREECH 163 00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:18,610 Mmm, smells great. Lovely. 164 00:11:18,660 --> 00:11:21,250 Oh, now, please, sugar, don't do that. 165 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:24,770 That's only on trees, remember? Come away from there. 166 00:11:24,820 --> 00:11:28,820 Epitaph, for her imaginary friend? No, just likes carving her name. 167 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,530 Which is all very well, but... 168 00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:35,090 Come on, Ripley, think it's way past your bedtime, so, off you go. 169 00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,730 Ah! Here he is, the man of the moment! 170 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:41,570 How were the trains? You have a good journey? Yeah, fine. 171 00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:44,450 Ridley, this is Jonathan. 172 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,890 Hi, Jonathan, a real pleasure. Me, too. Polly, hi. 173 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,570 Hello! 174 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,410 So, I see you're just back from Reykjavik, both of you? 175 00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:55,890 Hope you had an enjoyable flight. I beg your pardon? 176 00:11:55,940 --> 00:11:59,940 Reykjavik? You never said! You see? This is what he does. 177 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:02,690 How, I have absolutely no idea. 178 00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:05,530 Oh, come on, you make me sound like some kind of sorcerer! 179 00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:07,050 When, as Jonathan knows, 180 00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:09,970 there's no trick to the art of simple observation. 181 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,410 The abrasions round the side of your neck, quite recent, 182 00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:14,410 quite deep, and quite nasty. 183 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:15,770 Something feral at work. 184 00:12:15,820 --> 00:12:18,490 If not feral, then certainly not happy. A pet, perhaps? 185 00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:20,890 Provoked or antagonised? Or traumatised? 186 00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:23,610 In your bag, a diary entry, largely obscured, for yesterday. 187 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,970 A visit somewhere, to a cemetery? A monastery? A presbytery? 188 00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:30,090 The name, Zelda, a touch too exotic. More plausibly feline. 189 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,450 A cattery, then, but boarding or collecting? 190 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:35,290 Allow room for Zelda. where. In a car full of bags? 191 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:36,890 Returning from the airport, surely? 192 00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,650 Why drop a cat off more than 24 hours before departure. 193 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,610 And a week or two in a kennel would explain the feisty behaviour. 194 00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:45,330 The watch on your wrist, still set for a previous time zone, 195 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:48,730 is one hour behind, which leaves us only Iceland or north-west Africa. 196 00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:52,530 Yet no discernible suntans and that faint reddening of the left eyelid. 197 00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:56,580 What else but a biting Arctic wind? So, you see. 198 00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:01,260 Really very simple. Anyway, if you'll excuse me a sec while I just, erm... 199 00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:09,170 Should I tell him it needs a new battery? 200 00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:13,220 Oh, God! Oh, my God, no! 201 00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:17,130 Sharon? What is it? You OK? What's happened? 202 00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:19,940 It's my dad. He's dead. 203 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:22,810 What do you mean, he's dead? 204 00:13:22,860 --> 00:13:26,170 It just says, "I'm sorry to let you know, 205 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:30,220 "he just peacefully slipped away, about half an hour ago. " 206 00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:34,460 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh, Sharon, I'm so sorry. 207 00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:39,450 Oh, no! 208 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,890 You know what? This isn't my phone! 209 00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:46,940 It must be your phone! Oh, thank you, God! 210 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:49,050 Thank you so much! 211 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,930 Cos I just naturally picked it up off there and... 212 00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:55,420 What a relief! I mean, that really scared me to... 213 00:13:57,940 --> 00:14:00,370 .. death. 214 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:04,420 Oh, yeah, so that's, erm... 215 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:07,300 You'll... 216 00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:10,460 .. probably want to... 217 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:21,580 It's OK, you're going to be OK. 218 00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:25,740 Doesn't look like it's deep at all, as far as I can tell. 219 00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:27,380 It's just a flesh wound. 220 00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:29,890 Thank God. 221 00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:32,500 The thick coat, I think, took the worst of it. 222 00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:46,900 SHE COUGHS 223 00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:51,380 Why, Angus? Why? 224 00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:54,780 Y- You have to try and understand... 225 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,250 She's in this really bad place at the moment. 226 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:03,300 16 months. It's not getting any better. 227 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,460 16 months since...? 228 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,650 He was barely four weeks old. 229 00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:13,170 Emotionally, she's like... 230 00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:16,690 Everything's a conspiracy, everything's a threat. 231 00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:20,740 I try and tell her it's all in her mind, this morbid insecurity. 232 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,970 I didn't mean to hurt you! 233 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:26,410 Oh, God, what have I done?! 234 00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:28,530 SHE SOBS 235 00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:32,580 More time. She just needs more time. 236 00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:35,100 SOBBING CONTINUES 237 00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:41,370 No, no, you've done a wonderful job, Mr Partridge, thank you. 238 00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:45,010 It's just... I think any more red in the cheeks and we'll be getting 239 00:15:45,060 --> 00:15:46,890 a bit Prince Harry. Yes. 240 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:50,940 He just looks a bit... sad, I suppose. 241 00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:55,610 I suppose you would be. We can cheer him up if you'd prefer. 242 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:59,620 Could you? Yes. Just perhaps, erm... 243 00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:02,700 Oh, God. 244 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,970 Things hadn't been good for some time, but... 245 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,770 Just seemed to go downhill so fast. 246 00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:12,050 It seems like only yesterday he was here 247 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:14,530 making arrangements for your dear mother. 248 00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:15,810 11 years. 249 00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:18,450 Is it really? 250 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:22,500 And so, great big empty house there, now. 251 00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,770 What will you do, will you put it on the market, do you think? 252 00:16:25,820 --> 00:16:27,780 Oh, who knows? 253 00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:33,530 Why is everything so hard? 254 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,420 Rigor mortis, I think you'll find. 255 00:17:18,260 --> 00:17:20,020 How can a house die? 256 00:17:22,060 --> 00:17:25,860 It doesn't have to. It's whatever we put into it. 257 00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:29,740 I'm sure they'd both have wanted that. 258 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,290 And for the life of me, I'm still not getting this. 259 00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,690 You won't go to the hospital, or the police? 260 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,370 Bloody woman needs locking up! 261 00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:43,490 She needs help! Darryl, if you'd been there... 262 00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:47,540 And all I could think was, what would it do to me, you know? 263 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:50,770 It's like, where is the justice in her life? 264 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,210 Come on, I turn up at A&E now, with a stab wound? 265 00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,290 It's going to be a bit tricky to explain. 266 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:58,450 God forbid we ever let a jury near this - 267 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,690 they're the people that write on toilet cisterns. 268 00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:03,210 Well, you need to get that looked at, young lady, 269 00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:05,570 and by someone who's handy with a needle. 270 00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:08,330 I might know someone. Meantime... 271 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:09,940 Meantime... 272 00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:15,690 .. you think you might have something? 273 00:18:15,740 --> 00:18:17,970 For you, my sweet, always. 274 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:20,570 I'm a magician, you know that. 275 00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:23,930 When was it, you said, last year in that Joe Orton, 276 00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:26,610 a certain well-known young actress with a Caesarean scar? 277 00:18:26,660 --> 00:18:30,660 You had to come up with this special prosthetic. See? 278 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,860 You star turn! We'll make this work, won't we? 279 00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:38,300 Cos I promised him, you know? For her. 280 00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:50,890 Two minutes for the pasta. 281 00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:54,940 I managed to cobble a sauce together, of sorts. What's that? 282 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:59,450 No, just having a nose around. Found it in one of those books. 283 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:02,420 Oh, yeah, from the local paper. 284 00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:07,500 Used to keep this next to him, just there on his desk. 285 00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,890 Shame about the blasted coffee ring. 286 00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,130 Got the look of a halo... 287 00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:17,460 Yeah, well. To him, she was always a saint. 288 00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:30,060 Oh, God, yes. Ironic after yesterday. 289 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,290 Me with my imaginary friend. 290 00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:35,330 Polly and Orez. "Oreth"? 291 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:38,420 Name my mum came up with because she was half Spanish. 292 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,580 Tickled me at the time, all those funny little Latin references 293 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:47,180 when I was growing up. 294 00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:54,620 Oh, God, it was never going to be easy, was it? 295 00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,900 Come on, shall we... Shall we go and eat? 296 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:05,700 Some mysteries our hearts Cannot conceive 297 00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:09,860 And when the story-teller's Tale is spun, and we are one 298 00:20:10,780 --> 00:20:14,780 What secrets will The Yellow Room reveal? 299 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,970 I'm in front of 1,500 people back there, for God's sake. 300 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:28,250 This bloody thing keeps coming back on. 301 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,290 Night. Night, darling. 302 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,820 Look, it's ridiculous! 303 00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:38,860 SHE GASPS 304 00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,890 KNOCK AT DOOR 305 00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:11,730 Darling, can I leave these with you to sign? OK. 306 00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:15,780 Some children from my old ballet school. Just a sec, Zelda. 307 00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:18,970 They thought you were sensational tonight! When you have the time. 308 00:21:19,020 --> 00:21:23,020 Yes! Surely. Bye, my darling. Night, Zelda. 309 00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,980 Oh, Chloe! Tu etais parfaite ce soir... 310 00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:31,700 SHE WINCES 311 00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:05,170 SHE CRIES OUT 312 00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:08,740 Juno? Are you all right in there? 313 00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:15,860 Mon Dieu! Oh, my precious one! 314 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:21,450 What in the name of God? 315 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:25,450 Someone get an ambulance and ring for the police! 316 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:28,490 What happened? She's been stabbed! 317 00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:32,540 But how? No-one came in or out of the room, I would have seen! 318 00:22:32,740 --> 00:22:35,250 We all would have seen! There was nobody here! 319 00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:36,860 The whole thing is impossible! 320 00:22:38,980 --> 00:22:41,930 Why am I remembering that Conrad Veidt silent classic, 321 00:22:41,980 --> 00:22:43,970 The Man Who Laughs? 322 00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:47,780 You think they might have gone too far now, in the other direction? 323 00:22:49,820 --> 00:22:51,380 HE CLEARS THROAT 324 00:23:08,620 --> 00:23:12,620 Yes, I know, I know. Oh, Jonathan. This is Hazel. 325 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:17,410 Auntie Hazel. Hello. My mum's closest friend. 326 00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:21,210 Just always been around, haven't you? 327 00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:24,660 For my dad, especially these last few weeks. 328 00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:28,010 I'm so grateful. 329 00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:32,060 And listen, Polly. One word, if I may, at this difficult time? 330 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,260 Hope. 331 00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:39,380 You know, it's only a week since I lost my mother who was 86, but... 332 00:23:41,140 --> 00:23:42,810 Doesn't make it any easier. 333 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:46,290 And all I'm saying, and I want you to think about this, 334 00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:48,850 the end can actually be a beginning 335 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:52,460 if you open your eyes and your mind, to other possibilities. 336 00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:57,660 What are these? Well. You tell me, Polly, what you see in them. 337 00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:02,100 Angels, ghosts. The spirits of departed souls who just happen 338 00:24:03,060 --> 00:24:05,210 to have been caught on camera. 339 00:24:05,260 --> 00:24:07,410 This one just takes your breath away. 340 00:24:07,460 --> 00:24:10,290 You see there, in the fountain? 341 00:24:10,340 --> 00:24:12,530 This was my granddaughter, Gracie, who I swear, 342 00:24:12,580 --> 00:24:15,410 had no idea the angel was behind her. 343 00:24:15,460 --> 00:24:18,970 Although she does say that she felt like a cold shiver 344 00:24:19,020 --> 00:24:21,810 on the back of her neck as she was sitting there. Go on? 345 00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:25,860 Then there was my Auntie Norma here saying a prayer in the sky. 346 00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:27,970 OK, yes, with her hands pressed together. 347 00:24:28,020 --> 00:24:30,610 That was taken ten years to the day after she died. 348 00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:32,730 PHONE RINGS 349 00:24:32,780 --> 00:24:34,050 Jonathan Creek. 350 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:37,010 Now, obviously I know, there's a lot of people just think this is 351 00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:38,970 all completely cranky, but... 352 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:43,020 My God! No, that's erm... Yeah. 353 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,330 Distinctly odd. 354 00:24:46,380 --> 00:24:48,850 Hang onto those, I've got copies. 355 00:24:48,900 --> 00:24:52,900 And I'm just writing you a link now to a website, 356 00:24:53,940 --> 00:24:57,890 that just gave me so much comfort. Thank you. 357 00:24:57,940 --> 00:25:01,250 Well, weird or what? That was Zelda. 358 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:02,890 Yellow Room producer? 359 00:25:02,940 --> 00:25:06,940 Juno Pirelli, the star of the show, is in hospital in a coma. 360 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:09,410 They found her last night in her dressing room 361 00:25:09,460 --> 00:25:12,250 after the performance, stabbed in the stomach. 362 00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:13,770 And from what she's just told me... 363 00:25:13,820 --> 00:25:15,650 Please don't say it. 364 00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:17,850 Not a bloody impossible crime. 365 00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:21,900 Ooh, now, then. Do I hear the words "work experience"? 366 00:25:24,620 --> 00:25:27,090 They are thinking perhaps some kind of crazed fan 367 00:25:27,140 --> 00:25:30,290 with an obsession about the story in the show. 368 00:25:30,340 --> 00:25:32,410 But in the show, of course, we explain... 369 00:25:32,460 --> 00:25:35,370 The injuries had all occurred before the character went in the room. 370 00:25:35,420 --> 00:25:39,420 Yes, but here only ten minutes before, not a mark on her body. 371 00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:40,940 I saw with my own eyes! 372 00:26:09,620 --> 00:26:11,700 Morning! How are you today, Polly? 373 00:26:13,060 --> 00:26:16,490 Wasn't sure if I'd still find you here. No, well... 374 00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:18,940 We were overdue some downtime from the office, so... 375 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:24,810 Question is, I suppose, 376 00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:27,300 whether I can bear to imagine anyone else living here. 377 00:26:28,580 --> 00:26:32,290 Or whether it's fate, in a way, that's brought us back... 378 00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:35,140 You all right today, Hazel? You look as though you've seen a ghost. 379 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:46,450 OK, OK. 380 00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:50,500 Early intimations only, but... A crime of passion, we can fairly assume. 381 00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:54,980 A lover, very much her senior, age 50-51, possibly 52. 382 00:26:55,900 --> 00:26:59,900 A tall man. Somewhat simian in appearance. In excess of 6'. 383 00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:02,810 Disproportionately long arms and big hands. 384 00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:06,770 And, dare I venture, no mean athlete in the bedroom department. 385 00:27:06,820 --> 00:27:09,930 We know from the angle of penetration the blade was inserted from below. 386 00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:12,490 The victim's in a state of undress, yet comfortable with her 387 00:27:12,540 --> 00:27:14,850 assailant's proximity. They were clearly embracing. 388 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:17,490 The force of the blow implies recoil. Witness three grey hairs 389 00:27:17,540 --> 00:27:19,930 on the door where the back of his head made contact. 390 00:27:19,980 --> 00:27:22,330 The position gives us his height. The colour, his age. 391 00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:25,410 Very early 50s. Any older would make the liaison improbable. 392 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,650 A dead wasp in the saucer - has to be recent. 393 00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:29,410 But swatted against the wall too high up, 394 00:27:29,460 --> 00:27:32,340 too far across, for all but our elongated giant to reach. 395 00:27:33,420 --> 00:27:35,890 The thickness of the magazine he rolled up bears testament 396 00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:37,250 to the girth of his grip. 397 00:27:37,300 --> 00:27:38,620 His sexual prowess? 398 00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:42,450 Such an ungainly man surely had some allure. 399 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:43,940 As for his means of exit... 400 00:27:55,620 --> 00:27:57,130 Of course. 401 00:27:57,180 --> 00:28:01,140 She could have climbed on a chair and used both hands? 402 00:28:03,060 --> 00:28:07,060 And I've seen a grey angora sweater hanging on that hook in there. 403 00:28:08,940 --> 00:28:10,940 But then, what do we know? 404 00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:17,050 Have to make a start tomorrow, I suppose, on the dreaded clothes. 405 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:20,050 If anything's guaranteed to finish me off... 406 00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:23,450 All these people who talk about catharsis and closure. 407 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:27,500 I know. As if grief can be just stuffed into a black bin liner 408 00:28:28,660 --> 00:28:30,100 and sent to Oxfam. 409 00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:33,660 You've had a long day. 410 00:28:34,660 --> 00:28:35,780 Come on. 411 00:28:39,740 --> 00:28:43,380 So how did all that go this morning, at the theatre? 412 00:28:44,380 --> 00:28:47,050 Are you any the wiser about what happened? 413 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:48,220 Oh, I dunno. 414 00:28:49,460 --> 00:28:52,940 What's that about the torch being passed to the new generation? 415 00:28:53,940 --> 00:28:56,500 Think I may just be getting very old. 416 00:28:58,380 --> 00:29:00,250 Yeah, well, I wasn't going to tell you this, 417 00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:04,300 but while you were there I had another visit from our friend Hazel. 418 00:29:06,060 --> 00:29:08,540 And if you thought those photographs took the biscuit... 419 00:29:09,660 --> 00:29:13,620 It's like she had this weird story she absolutely swears is true. 420 00:29:16,820 --> 00:29:19,650 'You remember last week she told us her mother died? 421 00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:22,460 '86, apparently, but still had her own house. 422 00:29:24,260 --> 00:29:28,260 'And after she left here yesterday, she went up to the crematorium 423 00:29:28,380 --> 00:29:32,060 'to collect the ashes. Took them back there to scatter in the garden. 424 00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:35,090 'Suddenly, her phone rings... ' 425 00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:36,780 PHONE RINGS 426 00:29:38,420 --> 00:29:41,650 '.. and they go everywhere. ' Oh, no! 427 00:29:41,700 --> 00:29:43,970 Hello? 'The phone call's from her next door neighbour 428 00:29:44,020 --> 00:29:46,690 'to say that the cat has got out of the house onto a busy main road, 429 00:29:46,740 --> 00:29:49,650 'so in a mad panic, she has to dash straight out again. 430 00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:52,610 'Couple of hours later she comes back 431 00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:54,100 'ready to clear it all up. 432 00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:58,010 'Except now they've gone. 433 00:29:58,060 --> 00:30:00,370 'They've completely vanished from the room, 434 00:30:00,420 --> 00:30:03,650 'and she's absolutely adamant there was nobody else in the house, 435 00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:06,050 'it was all locked up, she was the only one with a key. 436 00:30:06,100 --> 00:30:08,530 'There were no windows open, no draughts or breezes, 437 00:30:08,580 --> 00:30:10,530 'or anything that could have got to them. 438 00:30:10,580 --> 00:30:13,130 'It was like, in her words, it was just as if... ' 439 00:30:13,180 --> 00:30:15,260 God must have taken her... 440 00:30:16,900 --> 00:30:18,300 .. to heaven. 441 00:30:20,300 --> 00:30:22,540 So, is that it then, do you think? 442 00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:26,540 It's a terrible thing when your mind starts to go. 443 00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:30,780 And to think what a loyal friend she was to my mum. 444 00:30:33,220 --> 00:30:36,210 And such a tower of strength, at the end, when she... 445 00:30:36,260 --> 00:30:37,420 HE SNORES 446 00:30:44,740 --> 00:30:48,740 Apparition born in hell 447 00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:51,130 Ghostly, ghastly 448 00:30:51,180 --> 00:30:53,420 Through the gloom... 449 00:30:54,540 --> 00:30:57,250 OK, time to dive in, I suppose. 450 00:30:57,300 --> 00:31:00,450 Is it me or is there something different here? 451 00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:04,500 This was her last performance, same night as the stabbing. 452 00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:08,140 Off someone's phone in the audience. 453 00:31:11,620 --> 00:31:14,740 Dunno. Maybe not quite the same passion? 454 00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,170 Bit of an off-night, maybe. 455 00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:20,940 Hmm. I'll come and give you a hand in a bit. 456 00:31:22,180 --> 00:31:23,220 No rush. 457 00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:02,740 How you getting on? OK? 458 00:32:04,740 --> 00:32:06,290 What have you found? 459 00:32:06,340 --> 00:32:09,940 I dunno. Looks like a note from my mum just before she died. 460 00:32:11,340 --> 00:32:12,810 Virtually unreadable. 461 00:32:12,860 --> 00:32:15,330 I remember she could barely hold a pen by that time. 462 00:32:15,380 --> 00:32:16,490 "My Dearest Peter, 463 00:32:16,540 --> 00:32:19,380 "I have just one final heartfelt request... " 464 00:32:20,300 --> 00:32:22,650 I think that is. "Under the... 465 00:32:22,700 --> 00:32:26,210 "something, something or other you'll find a box. 466 00:32:26,260 --> 00:32:29,980 "Please, please destroy without opening. Cathy. " 467 00:32:31,740 --> 00:32:34,450 "Under the thin backroom. " 468 00:32:34,500 --> 00:32:35,780 Bedroom, is it? 469 00:32:36,940 --> 00:32:39,300 Bedroom! Bedroom... 470 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:42,530 Flowerbed? Floorboard, maybe? 471 00:32:42,580 --> 00:32:44,450 Er... 472 00:32:44,500 --> 00:32:46,810 "Under the third bedroom floorboard, 473 00:32:46,860 --> 00:32:49,130 "you'll find a box. " 474 00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:50,740 PHONE RINGS 475 00:32:57,860 --> 00:32:59,210 Hello? 476 00:32:59,260 --> 00:33:01,100 Oh, hi, Hazel, how are you? 477 00:33:03,260 --> 00:33:04,850 This afternoon? 478 00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:08,130 Erm... Well, I suppose I could. 479 00:33:08,180 --> 00:33:09,300 What time? 480 00:33:11,940 --> 00:33:13,740 Third bedroom floorboard. 481 00:33:15,100 --> 00:33:17,460 Third floorboard, but from which end? 482 00:33:18,900 --> 00:33:20,100 Or try both... 483 00:33:48,580 --> 00:33:49,820 Ahh! 484 00:33:50,940 --> 00:33:53,170 Oh, my God! Is that you in there? 485 00:33:53,220 --> 00:33:54,290 Yes! 486 00:33:54,340 --> 00:33:56,540 God Almighty, you scared me to death! 487 00:34:03,940 --> 00:34:07,770 Sorry, I was just under the third bedroom floorboard. 488 00:34:07,820 --> 00:34:11,090 This is the third bedroom and this has got to be the floorboard. 489 00:34:11,140 --> 00:34:14,140 It's the only one that's not nailed down. Fairly obviously. 490 00:34:15,940 --> 00:34:18,700 Maybe he did find it, and did exactly as she asked him to... 491 00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:21,940 Hang on a sec. 492 00:34:27,820 --> 00:34:30,130 What did she say? Please destroy without opening? 493 00:34:30,180 --> 00:34:31,420 Yes, bugger that. 494 00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:07,290 I'm so sorry. 495 00:35:07,340 --> 00:35:10,010 Not really what you wanted on top of everything else. 496 00:35:10,060 --> 00:35:12,650 Two years... 497 00:35:12,700 --> 00:35:15,820 looks like this was going on. Thank God he didn't find them. 498 00:35:17,220 --> 00:35:20,090 Sounds as if it got pretty heavy, on both sides. 499 00:35:20,140 --> 00:35:21,890 You imagine? 500 00:35:21,940 --> 00:35:24,450 Behind his back... 501 00:35:24,500 --> 00:35:25,820 for two years. I... 502 00:35:27,380 --> 00:35:28,460 I can't believe it. 503 00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:31,970 And Septimus? 504 00:35:32,020 --> 00:35:35,700 Who the bloody hell is Septimus? Septimus who? Hmm. 505 00:35:50,500 --> 00:35:53,530 These all her books in this room, I take it. 506 00:35:53,580 --> 00:35:54,620 What? 507 00:35:56,340 --> 00:35:58,290 God, you think you know people. 508 00:35:58,340 --> 00:36:01,020 Someone you grew up with your whole life! 509 00:36:02,220 --> 00:36:04,700 And you realise you actually never knew them at all. 510 00:36:11,740 --> 00:36:13,770 Oh. I didn't hear you go out. 511 00:36:13,820 --> 00:36:17,580 Yep, just up the road. Had to get an orange, so... 512 00:36:18,700 --> 00:36:21,890 Right. For any particular reason or just...? 513 00:36:21,940 --> 00:36:25,940 No. Just when I was in that dressing room I saw something. 514 00:36:27,020 --> 00:36:30,140 Corner of my eye... Didn't sit right. 515 00:36:31,260 --> 00:36:33,170 Sometimes if you can get back in the moment 516 00:36:33,220 --> 00:36:36,340 and recreate the association, one thing'll trigger the other. 517 00:36:39,940 --> 00:36:41,970 So where is it you're going again? You did say. 518 00:36:42,020 --> 00:36:44,980 Oh, this Hazel woman. What was that all about again? 519 00:36:47,140 --> 00:36:48,450 Her mother's ashes. 520 00:36:48,500 --> 00:36:51,250 She went to collect them the other day, from the crematorium 521 00:36:51,300 --> 00:36:54,370 and when she got back... That was it. 522 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:56,330 That was it. 523 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:59,050 Sawjoy. On the picture. What? 524 00:36:59,100 --> 00:37:01,690 Signature of an artist on a big abstract painting 525 00:37:01,740 --> 00:37:02,860 that was on her wall. 526 00:37:04,060 --> 00:37:05,730 You have to say, that was odd. 527 00:37:05,780 --> 00:37:08,730 Sawjoy? Does sound very made-up. 528 00:37:08,780 --> 00:37:10,890 What's that got to do with anything? 529 00:37:10,940 --> 00:37:14,330 Erm, no, the fact that it sounds made-up is not what was odd. 530 00:37:14,380 --> 00:37:16,460 Sorry, you were saying? About Hazel. 531 00:37:17,740 --> 00:37:19,060 I'll tell you when I get back. 532 00:37:23,940 --> 00:37:25,850 I mean, no, when you think 533 00:37:25,900 --> 00:37:29,900 I knew her probably better than anyone, but Septimus? 534 00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:34,500 No, I never heard her mention that name before, ever. 535 00:37:34,780 --> 00:37:38,780 Septimus who? Well, exactly! And it's all there, in black and white. 536 00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,180 Stuff they got up to, you've no idea. 537 00:37:42,340 --> 00:37:44,210 Talk about a shock to the system. 538 00:37:44,260 --> 00:37:47,770 Anyway, look, thanks so much for popping round. 539 00:37:47,820 --> 00:37:50,620 I do appreciate it. Erm, shall we? 540 00:37:53,740 --> 00:37:57,740 So, when you said on the phone about grasping the nettle this afternoon, 541 00:37:58,100 --> 00:37:59,970 what exactly did...? 542 00:38:00,020 --> 00:38:02,330 Sorry, has there been a power cut? 543 00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:06,380 Patience, I think, Polly, is all that's required. 544 00:38:07,140 --> 00:38:08,180 You see... 545 00:38:09,740 --> 00:38:10,980 .. I know she's here. 546 00:38:26,260 --> 00:38:27,860 PHONE RINGS 547 00:38:30,660 --> 00:38:32,410 Jonathan! 548 00:38:32,460 --> 00:38:34,930 Hi, is this a good moment? It's Ridley. 549 00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:36,690 Yeah. Hi, Ridley, How you doing? 550 00:38:36,740 --> 00:38:38,770 Surprisingly well, surprisingly well. 551 00:38:38,820 --> 00:38:41,370 Though hobbled for a while, I must admit, 552 00:38:41,420 --> 00:38:45,420 by the ingenuity of a master strategist in this case, 553 00:38:45,620 --> 00:38:48,890 who relied upon us all accepting the prima facie evidence 554 00:38:48,940 --> 00:38:51,530 of an attack that took place within the woman's dressing room. 555 00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:53,490 Crucially, the upward incision of the blade, 556 00:38:53,540 --> 00:38:56,570 which meant the assailant had to be standing close against the victim. 557 00:38:56,620 --> 00:38:57,770 But did it? 558 00:38:57,820 --> 00:39:00,730 Take the pieces of this puzzle apart. The direction of the wound, 559 00:39:00,780 --> 00:39:04,090 the copious bleeding on the floor, and put them back together again, 560 00:39:04,140 --> 00:39:06,460 and a very different picture emerges... 561 00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:11,290 .. of a lithe young singer-dancer, we know looks after her body, 562 00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:15,340 and with her nightly work-out presents the perfect inverted target 563 00:39:15,940 --> 00:39:18,540 for a weapon with a disappearing missile. 564 00:39:26,380 --> 00:39:27,900 Oh! 565 00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:37,730 Coolly constructed in every sense, who would suspect a crossbow 566 00:39:37,780 --> 00:39:40,730 firing a shard of frozen blood? 567 00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:44,770 Designed to kill and then instantly melt away without trace. 568 00:39:44,820 --> 00:39:47,170 OK? Yeah, er... 569 00:39:47,220 --> 00:39:50,090 I see where you're coming from, Ridley. I certainly missed that one. 570 00:39:50,140 --> 00:39:51,330 Elementary, my dear Holmes. 571 00:39:51,380 --> 00:39:54,250 And, based on some other research, I've got a pretty good idea now 572 00:39:54,300 --> 00:39:56,570 about the identity of the perpetrator, 573 00:39:56,620 --> 00:39:59,540 which, with everyone's indulgence, I was planning on... 574 00:40:07,220 --> 00:40:08,940 Holmes... 575 00:40:10,380 --> 00:40:11,460 Holmes! 576 00:40:32,780 --> 00:40:35,730 You know what, Hazel, I really will need to be getting along in a minute, 577 00:40:35,780 --> 00:40:37,290 because... Wait! 578 00:40:37,340 --> 00:40:39,570 What's that? 579 00:40:39,620 --> 00:40:40,860 A presence! 580 00:40:42,580 --> 00:40:44,010 You feel it, Polly? 581 00:40:44,060 --> 00:40:48,060 Like a kind of faint vibration, almost. In the air. 582 00:40:53,060 --> 00:40:56,100 MACHINERY WHIRS 583 00:41:24,460 --> 00:41:26,500 MACHINE BLEEPS MELODICALLY 584 00:42:08,980 --> 00:42:11,250 Oh, God, are you serious? 585 00:42:11,300 --> 00:42:13,570 Actually I was thinking I might drop by there again, 586 00:42:13,620 --> 00:42:16,970 so if you were going to be around then maybe... 587 00:42:17,020 --> 00:42:18,530 Yeah, OK. 588 00:42:18,580 --> 00:42:20,420 Thanks, Zelda, bye. 589 00:42:22,620 --> 00:42:24,970 Oh, hi. You were a while. 590 00:42:25,020 --> 00:42:27,650 Things all seem to be hotting up, 591 00:42:27,700 --> 00:42:29,610 apparently, on the Yellow Room front, so... 592 00:42:29,660 --> 00:42:32,380 Yes, well, we've cleared up one mystery there at any rate. 593 00:42:33,740 --> 00:42:36,810 An urn full of ashes she spills all over her mother's carpet, 594 00:42:36,860 --> 00:42:38,330 went away for a couple of hours 595 00:42:38,380 --> 00:42:40,530 and when she gets back they've just disappeared. 596 00:42:40,580 --> 00:42:43,930 Without any explanation. And do you know what it was? 597 00:42:43,980 --> 00:42:46,090 Robot vacuum cleaner? 598 00:42:46,140 --> 00:42:49,260 Pardon? A robot vacuum cleaner! 599 00:42:50,540 --> 00:42:53,730 Do you not think that's the most absurd unlikely scenario 600 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:55,300 you could possibly imagine? 601 00:42:56,660 --> 00:42:57,860 So... was it? 602 00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:01,500 Yes. 603 00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:05,210 Programmed for half past three, as it turns out, by the old dear 604 00:43:05,260 --> 00:43:07,610 every afternoon. Makes sense. 605 00:43:07,660 --> 00:43:09,330 OK! 606 00:43:09,380 --> 00:43:13,380 OK, well, maybe you can make sense of this. 607 00:43:17,900 --> 00:43:21,810 On a tombstone in the churchyard directly behind my mother's grave. 608 00:43:21,860 --> 00:43:24,130 I mean, it can't just be a coincidence. 609 00:43:24,180 --> 00:43:27,130 Except that he died at least three years before those love letters 610 00:43:27,180 --> 00:43:29,740 were written. Septimus Noone. 611 00:43:32,220 --> 00:43:34,370 No, I'd say that far from being a coincidence, 612 00:43:34,420 --> 00:43:38,420 it fits in with everything else here absolutely perfectly. 613 00:43:38,540 --> 00:43:41,500 Only, one thing at a time, I'm afraid. 614 00:43:42,660 --> 00:43:46,660 I'm going to need you to run me back to the theatre, if you would. 615 00:43:47,980 --> 00:43:51,690 Our young friend Ridley's asked them all to assemble on the stage 616 00:43:51,740 --> 00:43:55,010 at six cos he wants to announce his big solution, 617 00:43:55,060 --> 00:43:58,170 which, as you can imagine, is completely preposterous, 618 00:43:58,220 --> 00:44:01,930 but arguably no more preposterous than the real solution, 619 00:44:01,980 --> 00:44:05,890 which, unfortunately, there's only one way to confirm now. 620 00:44:05,940 --> 00:44:08,860 By going back into that dressing room. So... 621 00:44:10,500 --> 00:44:11,900 .. whenever you're ready. 622 00:44:28,940 --> 00:44:30,420 Jonathan? 623 00:45:02,580 --> 00:45:04,730 Aaaaah! 624 00:45:04,780 --> 00:45:06,180 Oooh! 625 00:45:07,220 --> 00:45:10,090 Oh! Oh, my God, are you OK, madam? 626 00:45:10,140 --> 00:45:13,770 Yeah, I just fell down the stairs. Ooh! Aahh! 627 00:45:13,820 --> 00:45:16,620 Let me take your weight. It's OK. OK. 628 00:45:17,980 --> 00:45:21,820 Steady. Up on the step. Let's have a look. OK. 629 00:45:24,620 --> 00:45:26,890 I can't believe we're all taking this seriously! 630 00:45:26,940 --> 00:45:28,890 And who is this Ridley person anyway? 631 00:45:28,940 --> 00:45:31,730 Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here, 632 00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:33,610 but we have to wait and see. 633 00:45:33,660 --> 00:45:36,090 From what they're saying at the hospital, 634 00:45:36,140 --> 00:45:38,220 this could soon be a murder inquiry. 635 00:45:46,380 --> 00:45:48,650 What are you doing here? 636 00:45:48,700 --> 00:45:50,530 Rachel, come on! 637 00:45:50,580 --> 00:45:52,690 Come on. 638 00:45:52,740 --> 00:45:54,050 This is scary. 639 00:45:54,100 --> 00:45:55,260 Did you hear what she said? 640 00:45:56,780 --> 00:45:58,140 A murder inquiry. 641 00:46:02,500 --> 00:46:04,610 I don't think it's broken. Let's just... 642 00:46:04,660 --> 00:46:06,060 Let me just feel. Ooh! 643 00:46:09,380 --> 00:46:12,170 My husband's here, thanks ever so much. 644 00:46:12,220 --> 00:46:15,010 Yeah, that's great. Oh, my pleasure. Just take it easy. 645 00:46:15,060 --> 00:46:16,500 Thank you. Yeah, bye. 646 00:46:24,140 --> 00:46:26,530 And, now, we're looking for...? 647 00:46:26,580 --> 00:46:30,580 Make-up artist named Darryl Kimble, I think, has to be our man. 648 00:46:32,980 --> 00:46:34,380 KNOCK AT DOOR 649 00:46:37,100 --> 00:46:41,010 Hi, sorry, I wonder if you have a minute. My name's Jonathan Creek. 650 00:46:41,060 --> 00:46:43,890 Oh, right, yes. The amateur sleuth who's come to enlighten us all 651 00:46:43,940 --> 00:46:45,610 about the other night! 652 00:46:45,660 --> 00:46:47,090 Goodbye! 653 00:46:47,140 --> 00:46:48,540 Erm... 654 00:46:50,420 --> 00:46:51,930 Yes... 655 00:46:51,980 --> 00:46:53,700 It's Darryl, isn't it? 656 00:46:55,660 --> 00:46:59,010 Fairly obviously there's someone here that you and Juno 657 00:46:59,060 --> 00:47:01,890 were both really desperate to protect. 658 00:47:01,940 --> 00:47:05,500 I just wondered how sure you are still you made the right call. 659 00:47:12,900 --> 00:47:15,500 Everyone, can I have your attention, please? 660 00:47:18,180 --> 00:47:20,410 Let me introduce you, Mr Ridley, 661 00:47:20,460 --> 00:47:23,810 who is here very kindly to help us resolve Juno's attack. 662 00:47:23,860 --> 00:47:25,370 Thank you very much. 663 00:47:25,420 --> 00:47:28,130 OK. I know this is a little irregular. 664 00:47:28,180 --> 00:47:31,050 But Zelda's very kindly said I might present a few thoughts to you 665 00:47:31,100 --> 00:47:35,100 tonight, about how I think that attack really took place... 666 00:47:35,580 --> 00:47:39,090 and, more importantly, who was responsible. 667 00:47:39,140 --> 00:47:43,140 Someone, I would venture to suggest, who is here with us today 668 00:47:43,700 --> 00:47:45,810 in this very building. 669 00:47:45,860 --> 00:47:48,130 In the original story of the Yellow Room, 670 00:47:48,180 --> 00:47:51,210 the whole solution revolves around an injury sustained 671 00:47:51,260 --> 00:47:53,220 before the victim entered the bedchamber. 672 00:47:54,300 --> 00:47:56,330 No way that could have happened here 673 00:47:56,380 --> 00:47:58,970 because Juno Pirelli had been clearly seen by her director 674 00:47:59,020 --> 00:48:01,970 minutes earlier, completely unscathed. 675 00:48:02,020 --> 00:48:05,300 Or was there something already troubling her that night? 676 00:48:06,740 --> 00:48:10,730 Enough to slightly put her off her game in one or two arias, 677 00:48:10,780 --> 00:48:13,810 something potentially life-threatening that had been 678 00:48:13,860 --> 00:48:15,460 very skilfully covered up. 679 00:48:16,700 --> 00:48:20,170 The name on that picture, Sawjoy. 680 00:48:20,220 --> 00:48:23,170 OK, slightly unusual, but not as unusual as the position 681 00:48:23,220 --> 00:48:27,220 in the top left-hand corner instead of the bottom right. 682 00:48:28,940 --> 00:48:32,450 Made me wonder how easy it would've been for someone in a hurry to have 683 00:48:32,500 --> 00:48:34,570 taken it down at some point, 684 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:37,660 and then put it back again the wrong way up. 685 00:49:11,500 --> 00:49:13,290 I imagine the artist, Beverley Holmes, 686 00:49:13,340 --> 00:49:15,530 might have been a little put out, but... 687 00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:18,170 After that, there was no way for you to get back in there without 688 00:49:18,220 --> 00:49:21,220 being seen, so whatever it was had to still be there. 689 00:49:34,620 --> 00:49:36,170 She'd convinced herself... 690 00:49:36,220 --> 00:49:38,820 she'd convinced me that was just superficial. 691 00:49:40,700 --> 00:49:43,330 We'd get it patched up, it would heal. 692 00:49:43,380 --> 00:49:44,580 Maybe... 693 00:49:45,820 --> 00:49:47,730 Well. 694 00:49:47,780 --> 00:49:51,780 Guess now we'll never know, will we, whether something else happened that set it all off. 695 00:49:54,380 --> 00:49:56,250 Yes, she was stupid, yes, she was mad. 696 00:49:56,300 --> 00:49:58,130 But she was mad for the right reasons. 697 00:49:58,180 --> 00:50:00,820 And thank God for people like that sometimes, you know? 698 00:50:03,860 --> 00:50:06,340 God bloody bless her, is all I've got to say. 699 00:50:08,980 --> 00:50:12,980 I'm sorry. Any more than that, you're not going to get from me. 700 00:50:14,940 --> 00:50:18,050 .. that would find its target and then simply melt away, 701 00:50:18,100 --> 00:50:20,450 completely undetected. 702 00:50:20,500 --> 00:50:21,730 More to the point, 703 00:50:21,780 --> 00:50:25,490 who would have a grievance strong enough to construct such a plan? 704 00:50:25,540 --> 00:50:27,290 Someone, we may suppose, 705 00:50:27,340 --> 00:50:30,730 on the verge of hysteria. Emotionally unbalanced, 706 00:50:30,780 --> 00:50:34,730 who was prepared to go to any lengths to wreak their revenge. 707 00:50:34,780 --> 00:50:38,370 A crime of passion, love spurned, recriminations, 708 00:50:38,420 --> 00:50:41,690 irrational and real, nausea, jealousy and hate. 709 00:50:41,740 --> 00:50:45,740 Who else could it point to, but the tuba player, who she'd already... 710 00:50:46,220 --> 00:50:47,940 PEOPLE SCREAM 711 00:50:50,340 --> 00:50:52,180 Rachel! 712 00:51:39,580 --> 00:51:42,930 Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that. 713 00:51:42,980 --> 00:51:44,660 Sorry I had to see that?! 714 00:51:46,260 --> 00:51:49,330 I sometimes wonder, Jonathan, exactly what I married! 715 00:51:49,380 --> 00:51:52,770 Free admission for life to the Twilight Zone? 716 00:51:52,820 --> 00:51:56,820 If it's not phantom knife-wielding stalkers or ghostly human remains 717 00:51:57,420 --> 00:52:00,370 suddenly vanishing in the... Now what are you looking for? 718 00:52:00,420 --> 00:52:03,740 Ah! I did see it here, I thought I had. 719 00:52:05,140 --> 00:52:07,700 That web link she wrote down for you. 720 00:52:08,740 --> 00:52:12,650 If I'm not mistaken, it tells us everything we need to know 721 00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:16,090 and all that other. Oh, God. What? 722 00:52:16,140 --> 00:52:18,810 A little slower, please, would be nice. 723 00:52:18,860 --> 00:52:21,250 The letters of Septimus Noone. 724 00:52:21,300 --> 00:52:23,450 The name, you know I said 725 00:52:23,500 --> 00:52:27,090 fitted in perfectly well with everything else here? 726 00:52:27,140 --> 00:52:29,330 Everything from a book collection that includes 727 00:52:29,380 --> 00:52:31,770 the works of Dylan Thomas and Samuel Butler, 728 00:52:31,820 --> 00:52:35,050 to that imaginary friend of yours you had when you were a child. 729 00:52:35,100 --> 00:52:39,100 Easiest thing, I think, would be to make one brief detour on the way back. 730 00:52:42,260 --> 00:52:43,820 No. My gosh. 731 00:52:45,060 --> 00:52:46,100 I'm impressed. 732 00:52:47,580 --> 00:52:49,890 Considering the time it took 733 00:52:49,940 --> 00:52:53,530 and all the trouble I went to to disguise the writing. 734 00:52:53,580 --> 00:52:57,010 Of course, I was rather pleased with myself at the time. 735 00:52:57,060 --> 00:52:59,380 The writing, oddly, I never questioned. 736 00:53:00,420 --> 00:53:02,410 It was the paper. 737 00:53:02,460 --> 00:53:06,460 Most people, if a letter's too wide for the envelope, 738 00:53:07,060 --> 00:53:11,060 fold it a couple of times down the long way and then across. 739 00:53:11,340 --> 00:53:14,140 Your way's more distinctive. 740 00:53:18,260 --> 00:53:22,260 I'd say it's verging on unique. 741 00:53:22,860 --> 00:53:26,860 I'm just writing you a link now to a website that just gave me 742 00:53:27,460 --> 00:53:28,740 so much comfort. 743 00:53:30,780 --> 00:53:34,050 Why, Hazel? For what possible reason? 744 00:53:34,100 --> 00:53:38,100 You don't think we argued? My head against her brick wall. 745 00:53:39,580 --> 00:53:43,580 And how could I refuse her anything at that stage? 746 00:53:43,740 --> 00:53:47,740 As soon as she knew her time was running out... 747 00:53:49,420 --> 00:53:52,370 Believe it or believe it not, the whole idea 748 00:53:52,420 --> 00:53:54,540 was to try and lessen the grief. 749 00:53:56,180 --> 00:53:58,020 He'd find the letters, and... 750 00:53:59,220 --> 00:54:01,530 She just had this horror, you see, 751 00:54:01,580 --> 00:54:05,580 of him moping about over her memory, for the rest of his days. 752 00:54:06,340 --> 00:54:10,340 If she could somehow discredit herself in his eyes, 753 00:54:10,700 --> 00:54:13,300 at the very end, she just thought... 754 00:54:16,940 --> 00:54:18,020 .. well. 755 00:54:19,300 --> 00:54:21,380 Thank God it never came to anything. 756 00:54:28,980 --> 00:54:32,090 So, Erewhon by Samuel Butler, 757 00:54:32,140 --> 00:54:35,690 a place he famously invented, as "nowhere" spelt backwards. 758 00:54:35,740 --> 00:54:39,740 And Llareggub backwards, the village in Under Milk Wood. 759 00:54:41,540 --> 00:54:42,850 "Bugger all. " 760 00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:46,900 I know, but how you could just zero in on those two titles, 761 00:54:47,020 --> 00:54:48,450 out of all this lot. 762 00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:51,850 Yeah, the rule of three that made it just about plausible. 763 00:54:51,900 --> 00:54:55,900 Zero. Imaginary friend, whose name, in reverse, meant "nothing. " 764 00:54:56,940 --> 00:55:00,290 She loved words. And playing with words, but... 765 00:55:00,340 --> 00:55:02,330 trust you to make that connection. 766 00:55:02,380 --> 00:55:06,090 A name she must have seen God knows how often in that churchyard. 767 00:55:06,140 --> 00:55:09,930 If she's wondering what to call this non-existent lover... 768 00:55:09,980 --> 00:55:11,610 Septimus Noone... 769 00:55:11,660 --> 00:55:14,260 Was actually Septimus No-One. 770 00:55:33,860 --> 00:55:36,730 So, he'll be back at uni then, now, Ridley? 771 00:55:36,780 --> 00:55:39,530 I trust he didn't find the whole experience a waste of time. 772 00:55:39,580 --> 00:55:41,450 Oh, no way. No, no. 773 00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:43,930 Admits he's still got a lot to learn, but... 774 00:55:43,980 --> 00:55:47,980 No, he'll be back. Oh, good. 775 00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:50,970 And you've made the right decision, I'm sure, about this place. 776 00:55:51,020 --> 00:55:52,890 Why would you want to live anywhere else? 777 00:55:52,940 --> 00:55:54,730 Yes, well, I wasn't too sure at first. 778 00:55:54,780 --> 00:55:57,890 There's been one or two very creepy moments round here, I have to say. 779 00:55:57,940 --> 00:56:00,650 Oh, finding those old love letters of your mother's. 780 00:56:00,700 --> 00:56:03,010 And what was even weirder, the very next moment 781 00:56:03,060 --> 00:56:07,060 that halo suddenly vanishing from her photo. That was creepy. 782 00:56:07,460 --> 00:56:10,170 Like, a coffee ring on the page that was there one minute, 783 00:56:10,220 --> 00:56:12,450 and then miraculously gone. 784 00:56:12,500 --> 00:56:15,770 But you know what, some of that lateral thinking must be rubbing off, 785 00:56:15,820 --> 00:56:19,610 because it was when I thought about that painting being the wrong way up, 786 00:56:19,660 --> 00:56:22,570 I suddenly remembered that's a, a partner's desk in there, 787 00:56:22,620 --> 00:56:25,130 which means the back of it's exactly the same as the front. 788 00:56:25,180 --> 00:56:28,610 And what if the top section had somehow been turned around 789 00:56:28,660 --> 00:56:29,970 to face the other way? 790 00:56:30,020 --> 00:56:33,450 Which, guess what, when we checked, is exactly what we found. 791 00:56:33,500 --> 00:56:35,050 At some point in the past, evidently, 792 00:56:35,100 --> 00:56:38,130 the desk had been moved around the room, and that page from the paper, 793 00:56:38,180 --> 00:56:41,770 he put in there to save had just ended up against the wall. 794 00:56:41,820 --> 00:56:45,250 The one with the ring on it, obviously another copy altogether, 795 00:56:45,300 --> 00:56:47,690 we just happened to find in that pile of books. 796 00:56:47,740 --> 00:56:51,740 Except, who would have gone in there to move the top of a desk around? 797 00:56:51,860 --> 00:56:53,370 We couldn't imagine. 798 00:56:53,420 --> 00:56:56,010 I mean, there's been no-one else in the house. 799 00:56:56,060 --> 00:56:59,260 Apart from people like yourself, at the funeral the other day. 800 00:57:07,660 --> 00:57:10,930 Ridley? I can't find Ripley. We'll have to go. I'm so sorry. 801 00:57:10,980 --> 00:57:12,140 We'll have to go. 802 00:57:17,580 --> 00:57:21,580 Ripley? 803 00:57:27,820 --> 00:57:29,620 SHE GIGGLES 804 00:57:33,460 --> 00:57:34,770 Stay there. 805 00:57:34,820 --> 00:57:36,890 What shall we do?! We switch the desk. What?! 806 00:57:36,940 --> 00:57:39,490 We take everything off, turn it round, and then it's done. 807 00:57:39,540 --> 00:57:40,970 We put everything back. Fine. 808 00:57:41,020 --> 00:57:43,180 This side's exactly the same as this side. Right. 809 00:57:45,820 --> 00:57:47,900 Three, two, one! Oh! Oh! 810 00:58:05,980 --> 00:58:07,490 Oh, God. 811 00:58:07,540 --> 00:58:09,490 Polly... 812 00:58:09,540 --> 00:58:11,050 Jonathan... 813 00:58:11,100 --> 00:58:12,530 What can I say? 814 00:58:12,580 --> 00:58:13,860 WATER RUNNING 815 00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,650 Listen, I don't know when you're thinking of starting a family, 816 00:58:20,700 --> 00:58:22,650 but, you know what they say about space. 817 00:58:22,700 --> 00:58:25,250 No-one can hear you scream? 818 00:58:25,300 --> 00:58:26,700 Make the most of it?