1 00:00:17,178 --> 00:00:27,956 Season 5, Episode 3: The Curse of the Bronze Lamp 2 00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:52,759 Hi! Hi! How's it going? You having a good one? Not working too hard? 3 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,440 Listen, I thought we could just celebrate 4 00:00:54,491 --> 00:00:56,690 with a quiet night in tonight. What do you think? 5 00:00:56,691 --> 00:00:58,570 Bottle of wine, just the two of us... 6 00:00:58,571 --> 00:01:00,410 Keep it all really low key. 7 00:01:00,411 --> 00:01:01,931 I know, I'm so boring. 8 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:21,171 Guys. Can you get out, please, and bring your papers? Thank you. 9 00:01:25,371 --> 00:01:27,571 Can you show him the papers? 10 00:01:57,331 --> 00:02:00,971 Nice day for it. Who ordered some music? How do you do? 11 00:02:07,251 --> 00:02:10,090 Go on, then, your husband, remind me what he does? 12 00:02:10,091 --> 00:02:13,290 Secretary of State for something, in the government. 13 00:02:13,291 --> 00:02:15,650 We can but hope - one day. 14 00:02:15,651 --> 00:02:18,170 At the moment, just a junior minister at the Home Office. 15 00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:21,091 That's what we need, sorting out all the villains. 16 00:02:22,491 --> 00:02:25,010 And your face, it was Karl here recognised. Didn't you say? 17 00:02:25,011 --> 00:02:27,450 One of those computer magazines the other week - 18 00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:30,770 you were on the front cover. Oh, that. Yes. That was just... 19 00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:33,090 I developed this new fractal compression codec 20 00:02:33,091 --> 00:02:35,730 to combat generation loss through chroma subsampling. 21 00:02:35,731 --> 00:02:37,051 A lot of fuss about nothing. 22 00:02:38,971 --> 00:02:40,730 Yeah... 23 00:02:40,731 --> 00:02:44,530 Lindsey Isherwood, top solutions analyst. 24 00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:48,130 Voted number one in the country by experts. 25 00:02:48,131 --> 00:02:49,930 What did they call you? 26 00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:53,250 Some kind of "problem-solving genius. " 27 00:02:53,251 --> 00:02:55,170 I don't think we need to go there. 28 00:02:55,171 --> 00:02:58,410 But what did Newton say? "Standing on the shoulders of giants?" 29 00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,010 Real, inspirational genius for me 30 00:03:00,011 --> 00:03:02,490 is when we take those very first steps into the light, 31 00:03:02,491 --> 00:03:05,570 like the day when man comes up with that very first primitive alphabet. 32 00:03:05,571 --> 00:03:08,210 Or a system of smoke signals, or semaphore, you know, 33 00:03:08,211 --> 00:03:10,930 he's essentially finding new ways to repackage information. 34 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:12,290 To reinterpret and convert it 35 00:03:12,291 --> 00:03:15,050 into simpler forms of readily-transmittable data 36 00:03:15,051 --> 00:03:18,250 that, conceptually, are the basis of all modern communication. 37 00:03:18,251 --> 00:03:22,011 Oh, God. I seem to have wandered into a Melvyn Bragg interview. Help! 38 00:03:23,011 --> 00:03:24,930 I've got two hours before my husband's back, 39 00:03:24,931 --> 00:03:27,770 first guests'll be here at seven. I'm going to have to leave you to it, 40 00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:29,490 while I go and make myself presentable. 41 00:03:29,491 --> 00:03:31,531 You need anything, just give me a shout. 42 00:04:12,571 --> 00:04:14,770 What's happening? We all ready now? 43 00:04:14,771 --> 00:04:17,171 Ready to rock and roll. Ah-ha. OK, great... 44 00:05:26,771 --> 00:05:29,370 How would that be as a birthday present? 45 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,491 To have you back all in one piece, huh? 46 00:05:33,051 --> 00:05:36,491 We'll see how much your husband thinks you're worth. 47 00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,210 OK, we leave you now. 48 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,810 You have your dinner. 49 00:05:45,811 --> 00:05:48,131 Mrs Number One Solutions Analyst. 50 00:05:49,491 --> 00:05:53,411 Come up with a solution to this one, we'll be really impressed. 51 00:06:20,011 --> 00:06:22,770 No, it's a tonic, Polly, to have you back among us 52 00:06:22,771 --> 00:06:24,570 after all these years. 53 00:06:24,571 --> 00:06:28,770 And he could be a lot worse, couldn't he? What's his name, Leonard? 54 00:06:28,771 --> 00:06:30,170 Jonathan? 55 00:06:30,171 --> 00:06:33,610 Still very early days of course, for the pair of you. 56 00:06:33,611 --> 00:06:35,690 And you've still got your looks. 57 00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:40,050 You won't be worrying yet about affairs and infidelities 58 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,490 and everything turning stale. 59 00:06:42,491 --> 00:06:46,650 The rancid stench of adultery will be the last thing on your mind, 60 00:06:46,651 --> 00:06:49,850 as it was for me at your age. 61 00:06:49,851 --> 00:06:53,210 But of course, I've buried three husbands since then. 62 00:06:53,211 --> 00:06:57,050 Today, we'd call them mercy killings. Don't listen to her. 63 00:06:57,051 --> 00:07:00,690 She hasn't been sexually aroused since Eden resigned. 64 00:07:00,691 --> 00:07:05,090 Now, what do you think? Should I pour his, or will he be a while yet? 65 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,570 Oh, not sure. I think after that last serving of rum 66 00:07:07,571 --> 00:07:09,210 and marmalade brulee... 67 00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:13,450 on top of the venison faggots, he just needed some fresh air. 68 00:07:13,451 --> 00:07:15,850 Oh... So what do we think, Laurel? 69 00:07:15,851 --> 00:07:19,010 Any chance of finishing this off before the clocks go back, or...? 70 00:07:19,011 --> 00:07:24,370 Don't rush me, Horace! You always were an impatient child. 71 00:07:24,371 --> 00:07:28,530 I don't know why we come and stay with you - you're always the same. 72 00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:33,262 Well, this will just have to do. 73 00:07:35,702 --> 00:07:37,381 "Lousewort. " 74 00:07:37,382 --> 00:07:42,621 13 doubled is 26, plus 50 bonus - 76. 75 00:07:42,622 --> 00:07:46,621 Yes, I'm enjoying playing this special Klingon edition. 76 00:07:46,622 --> 00:07:51,541 "Quandplex, jigaboo, cabezons, eclogite... " 77 00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:54,461 And who, or what, is a lousewort when it's at home? 78 00:07:54,462 --> 00:07:58,101 It's a small pinkish plant. Don't you know anything? 79 00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:03,061 Semi-parasitic, I think, and related to the snapdragons. 80 00:08:03,062 --> 00:08:06,261 But then, you never paid enough attention, did you, 81 00:08:06,262 --> 00:08:07,542 to botany, at school? 82 00:08:08,702 --> 00:08:12,261 Ah. You look a bit brighter now. Did you, erm...? 83 00:08:12,262 --> 00:08:14,421 I did, thank you. 84 00:08:14,422 --> 00:08:16,341 Down by the river or...? 85 00:08:16,342 --> 00:08:18,181 Yep, went up onto that little bridge 86 00:08:18,182 --> 00:08:20,222 and leant over the rail - perfect spot. 87 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,821 For watching your amazing bird life, Mr Greeley. 88 00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:28,701 All your egrets and mallards - wonderful. 89 00:08:28,702 --> 00:08:30,941 Widgeon and teal... 90 00:08:30,942 --> 00:08:33,261 I think I saw a Grey Heron, didn't I, at one point? 91 00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:35,061 Skulking amongst the reeds. 92 00:08:35,062 --> 00:08:39,141 You'll have worked up an appetite for a Stilton barley cake. 93 00:08:39,142 --> 00:08:42,061 Actually, Heidi, it's been a lovely evening 94 00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:45,501 and lovely food, but time we were moving, do you reckon? 95 00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:48,581 Early start in the morning, and you-know-who's coming at seven. 96 00:08:48,582 --> 00:08:51,221 Oh, yes. Our new cleaner, Denise. 97 00:08:51,222 --> 00:08:54,181 I tell you, talk about marriage problems. 98 00:08:54,182 --> 00:08:56,861 And I wouldn't mind, but it's all she ever goes on about. 99 00:08:56,862 --> 00:09:01,542 Every last intimate detail, as if I'm some sort of agony aunt. But... 100 00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:06,142 Thanks for a smashing evening, all of you. Yes, and... 101 00:09:07,342 --> 00:09:10,941 How nice to know you found our wildlife so fascinating. 102 00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:14,661 And I wonder if you also managed to spot a great-crested grebe 103 00:09:14,662 --> 00:09:17,821 out there - I'm fairly sure I heard one a few minutes ago. 104 00:09:17,822 --> 00:09:19,941 Very distinctive call they have, 105 00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:22,622 rather like a sort of loud retching sound. 106 00:09:23,662 --> 00:09:26,261 Very likely, Mr Greeley... 107 00:09:26,262 --> 00:09:27,902 now you come to mention it. 108 00:09:32,982 --> 00:09:35,621 Well, that was a rare treat. 109 00:09:35,622 --> 00:09:38,221 It's not many meals where you can actually feel your arteries 110 00:09:38,222 --> 00:09:40,341 furring up with each mouthful. 111 00:09:40,342 --> 00:09:43,022 Bring back Jack Warner and Elsie and Doris Waters. 112 00:09:47,382 --> 00:09:49,781 Are you going to do something about that phone of yours? 113 00:09:49,782 --> 00:09:51,741 Accidentally re-dialling all the while. 114 00:09:51,742 --> 00:09:54,341 That's the third time this week now. Oh, sorry, sorry. 115 00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:55,701 It's got a mind of its own. 116 00:09:55,702 --> 00:09:58,502 It's got a very sensitive keypad. I will do something about it. 117 00:10:00,742 --> 00:10:03,301 And don't you think you could just learn to be a bit more 118 00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:04,501 sociable now and again? 119 00:10:04,502 --> 00:10:06,741 You just have to make the effort sometimes, you know, 120 00:10:06,742 --> 00:10:08,822 reach out to people. And not be so quick to judge. 121 00:10:11,462 --> 00:10:14,621 Oh... why didn't I use that loo just now? 122 00:10:14,622 --> 00:10:17,182 It's all that coffee. Two minutes. 123 00:10:29,542 --> 00:10:32,341 Look, this really isn't funny, Heidi! 124 00:10:32,342 --> 00:10:35,981 We'll never get away with this in a month of Sundays. 125 00:10:35,982 --> 00:10:38,021 I can't go through with it, I'm sorry. 126 00:10:38,022 --> 00:10:40,461 You will go through with it! 127 00:10:40,462 --> 00:10:44,501 We have to! There's no backing out now, for either of us. 128 00:10:44,502 --> 00:10:46,101 Oh, come on! 129 00:10:46,102 --> 00:10:49,622 You've got 24 hours, so just pull yourself together. 130 00:10:54,142 --> 00:10:55,902 That was quick. 131 00:10:58,462 --> 00:11:01,701 No, I didn't... 132 00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,502 Oh, I'll... tell you later. 133 00:11:17,982 --> 00:11:19,701 Denise, how are we this morning? 134 00:11:19,702 --> 00:11:23,901 Oh! You know, Polly. Me and Dean. 135 00:11:23,902 --> 00:11:25,861 I don't like to talk about it. 136 00:11:25,862 --> 00:11:28,021 Certain things between a husband and wife, 137 00:11:28,022 --> 00:11:29,741 you really just can't talk about. 138 00:11:29,742 --> 00:11:31,301 No, no, I completely under... 139 00:11:31,302 --> 00:11:33,501 He never touches me any more. 140 00:11:33,502 --> 00:11:35,941 I mean, not in those places. 141 00:11:35,942 --> 00:11:37,701 You know the places I'm talking about. 142 00:11:37,702 --> 00:11:39,581 The front garden, public bridleways... 143 00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:40,901 And as for what happens in bed. 144 00:11:40,902 --> 00:11:43,141 Don't let's even, you know, cos I couldn't, but... 145 00:11:43,142 --> 00:11:46,501 Oh, God, no, of course! I'd get more action in Lenin's Tomb. 146 00:11:46,502 --> 00:11:48,141 Oh... 147 00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:51,821 OK, so he does night shifts at the store now, 148 00:11:51,822 --> 00:11:54,701 but you'd think we could occasionally meet in the middle? 149 00:11:54,702 --> 00:11:58,342 So to speak. Oh, but now! This'll interest you. 150 00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:02,821 Guess what I picked up from this old bloke 151 00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:04,981 in the back of a van yesterday. Don't! 152 00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:08,341 Peddling all sorts of weird stuff. And bric-a-brac. 153 00:12:08,342 --> 00:12:11,981 I just thought, it's got to be, hasn't it? 154 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:15,501 Aladdin's Lamp. Maybe my luck'll change. 155 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:18,301 And on the bottom it's got this... 156 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:23,381 weird little inscription. See here? "Cave Quid Optes". 157 00:12:23,382 --> 00:12:26,782 I thought maybe you could make sense of... Latin. 158 00:12:30,782 --> 00:12:32,821 Cave quid optes. 159 00:12:32,822 --> 00:12:37,222 Idiomatically, I suppose, "Be careful what you wish for. " 160 00:12:38,422 --> 00:12:42,301 What does any woman wish for? Men and money. 161 00:12:42,302 --> 00:12:45,141 Excitement and wealth. 162 00:12:45,142 --> 00:12:47,661 Oh, just a nice guy for a start. 163 00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:50,581 To come into my life, and give me a good... We get the picture. 164 00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:53,821 Well, you know, give me a good time would be nice. 165 00:12:53,822 --> 00:12:55,702 And here's where it gets spooky. 166 00:12:56,702 --> 00:12:59,381 Do you know what turned up last night in my spam? 167 00:12:59,382 --> 00:13:01,701 Completely out of the blue, a link to one of these, 168 00:13:01,702 --> 00:13:04,981 what do you call them? Male escort agencies. 169 00:13:04,982 --> 00:13:07,262 So how amazing is that? 170 00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:11,621 So... But you're not seriously considering...? 171 00:13:11,622 --> 00:13:13,901 Oh, I've done it, Polly. 172 00:13:13,902 --> 00:13:15,101 It's booked. 173 00:13:15,102 --> 00:13:17,621 Online, whole thing, sorted. 174 00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:20,141 You know, cos I'm thinking, "Come on, Denise! 175 00:13:20,142 --> 00:13:23,861 "This is your life! Get in!" Right? 176 00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:26,742 So... anyway, yeah. 177 00:13:27,822 --> 00:13:31,942 Tomorrow night, fingers crossed for me. I'll keep you posted. 178 00:13:33,422 --> 00:13:36,662 I'm sure we'll both look forward to that! Shh. 179 00:13:40,502 --> 00:13:42,621 Oh, God, what is this? 180 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,701 What the hell is this? I don't know. What is it? 181 00:13:45,702 --> 00:13:50,101 It looks like... You know those cameras people set up that... 182 00:13:50,102 --> 00:13:53,141 work off a sensor or whatever to take pictures of wildlife 183 00:13:53,142 --> 00:13:55,102 by remote control during the night? 184 00:13:56,462 --> 00:13:59,862 Oh, I don't believe someone's done this. 185 00:14:00,862 --> 00:14:02,901 Last night, coming back from Greeley's, 186 00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:04,861 when we had to stop off by that bit of woodland 187 00:14:04,862 --> 00:14:07,942 cos I couldn't last any longer...? Are you joking? 188 00:14:09,142 --> 00:14:11,141 What, you mean...? 189 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,542 An automatic picture of you going... 190 00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:19,022 How bad, exactly, are we talking here? 191 00:14:25,142 --> 00:14:27,021 Oh. 192 00:14:27,022 --> 00:14:28,461 Wow. 193 00:14:28,462 --> 00:14:31,421 They've really raised their game with these fast lenses now. 194 00:14:31,422 --> 00:14:34,501 Check out that resolution. Never mind the bloody resolution! 195 00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:35,981 Doesn't even say who's sent it! 196 00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:38,781 There's no note inside, no message. 197 00:14:38,782 --> 00:14:40,261 I don't recognise the writing. 198 00:14:40,262 --> 00:14:42,501 Someone's put this in our post box this morning! 199 00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:44,981 Who do we know might have one of these cameras? Round here? 200 00:14:44,982 --> 00:14:47,541 It could be anyone. They're all into that bloody malarkey. 201 00:14:47,542 --> 00:14:49,021 It could be anyone in the village. 202 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,981 They're probably using it as a screensaver even as we speak. 203 00:14:51,982 --> 00:14:54,861 Oh, come on, it's probably just a bit of fun. 204 00:14:54,862 --> 00:14:57,381 I wouldn't start worrying yourself... 205 00:14:57,382 --> 00:15:00,501 it's gone viral or... Gone viral?! 206 00:15:00,502 --> 00:15:03,701 God, you really know the right thing to say, don't you? 207 00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:05,422 I'll get the car out. 208 00:15:18,662 --> 00:15:21,062 Good morning. 209 00:15:26,942 --> 00:15:29,381 Jonathan? 210 00:15:29,382 --> 00:15:32,301 Sorry, I can't believe I don't even know your last name. 211 00:15:32,302 --> 00:15:33,741 Daisy Shand. 212 00:15:33,742 --> 00:15:36,461 That famous evening, six years ago, with Arabella? 213 00:15:36,462 --> 00:15:39,301 Daisy Shand! You're joking! How are you? 214 00:15:39,302 --> 00:15:41,901 Cos didn't you rock that night? Yeah! 215 00:15:41,902 --> 00:15:43,781 I mean, just amazing! 216 00:15:43,782 --> 00:15:46,021 To say you pulled it out of the bag. Well... 217 00:15:46,022 --> 00:15:48,022 Would be one way of putting it! My God! 218 00:15:49,222 --> 00:15:51,342 Cos you're a legend now in our house, I tell you 219 00:15:52,542 --> 00:15:55,861 Yes, and... hi. You might remember me. We got, what was it? Married. 220 00:15:55,862 --> 00:15:57,981 Yes, that's right. OK, sorry! 221 00:15:57,982 --> 00:16:00,421 This is Polly, my wife. Daisy Shand. 222 00:16:00,422 --> 00:16:02,661 And you two know each other, obviously, from... 223 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,941 Well actually, not really at all, do we? No. 224 00:16:04,942 --> 00:16:07,341 Only in the most casual sense. 225 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,461 He delivered my first baby. 226 00:16:09,462 --> 00:16:13,381 OK! That kind of casual sense. 227 00:16:13,382 --> 00:16:15,461 Well, you were going out with my best friend... 228 00:16:15,462 --> 00:16:18,301 Mad Arabella, the midwife. .. came round for a meal that night, 229 00:16:18,302 --> 00:16:20,061 and that's when it all went pear-shaped. 230 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,861 Well, I was pretty pear-shaped already. 231 00:16:22,862 --> 00:16:25,341 Seriously bad timing, 232 00:16:25,342 --> 00:16:27,941 she'd still got her arm in a sling from that ski-ing accident. 233 00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:30,701 Yeah. You remember, she had to talk you through the whole thing. 234 00:16:30,702 --> 00:16:32,141 I had my eyes shut. 235 00:16:32,142 --> 00:16:34,741 Nightmare! We got there in the end. 236 00:16:34,742 --> 00:16:37,221 So, how is he now? Emotionally scarred for life or...? 237 00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:41,141 He's great. He's a little star, definitely. 238 00:16:41,142 --> 00:16:43,541 And got a little sister now as well. Wow. 239 00:16:43,542 --> 00:16:45,581 Theodore's departed from the scene, but... 240 00:16:45,582 --> 00:16:48,261 No, we're all of us really good. Oh. 241 00:16:48,262 --> 00:16:52,781 Well, listen, you should come round, for a bite to eat. 242 00:16:52,782 --> 00:16:56,421 Why don't you give me a call and we can have a proper catch-up? 243 00:16:56,422 --> 00:17:00,262 That'd be so nice! Yeah, thank you. Definitely! 244 00:17:03,662 --> 00:17:06,381 Nice to see you. Nice to see you, too. Nice to meet you. 245 00:17:06,382 --> 00:17:09,142 Lovely to meet you. Bye. Bye. Bye. 246 00:17:13,302 --> 00:17:14,741 What? 247 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,461 Oh, come on, you were the one who said I had to be more sociable 248 00:17:17,462 --> 00:17:19,621 and start reaching out to people. 249 00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:22,022 What? What? 250 00:17:26,742 --> 00:17:30,461 You couldn't make it up, could you? A weather girl! 251 00:17:30,462 --> 00:17:33,461 Yes, I think she'd only just started with the Met Office at the time. 252 00:17:33,462 --> 00:17:34,581 Isn't it amazing? 253 00:17:34,582 --> 00:17:37,862 You know, I honestly didn't recognise her face at all. 254 00:17:39,062 --> 00:17:42,301 Which only begs the question - which bit would you have recognised? 255 00:17:42,302 --> 00:17:44,861 Funny, isn't it, how these little nuggets from the past can 256 00:17:44,862 --> 00:17:46,621 still emerge after all this time? 257 00:17:46,622 --> 00:17:50,141 Still, I suppose it's what keeps a marriage interesting. 258 00:17:50,142 --> 00:17:53,301 Now, OK with you if we dispense with the stirrups tonight 259 00:17:53,302 --> 00:17:54,822 and just go for a dining chair? 260 00:18:12,822 --> 00:18:14,141 Oh. 261 00:18:14,142 --> 00:18:17,781 You're a... bit earlier than I was expecting. 262 00:18:17,782 --> 00:18:19,781 And you'll be Denise. I'm Kevin. 263 00:18:19,782 --> 00:18:22,421 Kevin! Yes. Right. 264 00:18:22,422 --> 00:18:24,102 Oh, come in. 265 00:18:29,822 --> 00:18:32,262 I will be fine. Deep breaths. 266 00:18:33,622 --> 00:18:34,821 Just give me a second. 267 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,781 No worries, Denise. You just relax. 268 00:18:37,782 --> 00:18:41,622 I was just about to get in the bath, but... Sounds like fun. 269 00:18:43,902 --> 00:18:45,261 Oh, no, definitely. 270 00:18:45,262 --> 00:18:48,581 It's like, all the data's there. What's to be sceptical about? 271 00:18:48,582 --> 00:18:51,421 I mean, cos we're tracking these things globally every day 272 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,781 using general circulation models. 273 00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:56,421 And all our projections are for further temperature rise 274 00:18:56,422 --> 00:18:57,661 in the atmospheric mean. 275 00:18:57,662 --> 00:18:59,821 You can talk glaciers, you can talk hurricanes, 276 00:18:59,822 --> 00:19:02,701 you can talk precipitation, I just don't get where these people 277 00:19:02,702 --> 00:19:04,341 are coming from half the time. 278 00:19:04,342 --> 00:19:05,861 But you know what's funny? 279 00:19:05,862 --> 00:19:08,101 The other day, right, I'm reading this report 280 00:19:08,102 --> 00:19:12,141 and this headline about a "top denier briefs conference. " 281 00:19:12,142 --> 00:19:16,301 In a journal of climatology? Sounded highly unlikely. 282 00:19:16,302 --> 00:19:18,661 Looked at it again, of course, 283 00:19:18,662 --> 00:19:21,381 "Top denier briefs conference. " 284 00:19:21,382 --> 00:19:23,741 If you say it the right way, it does make more sense, 285 00:19:23,742 --> 00:19:27,701 but I thought that was so funny. PHONE RINGS 286 00:19:27,702 --> 00:19:29,661 You know when you're really struggling 287 00:19:29,662 --> 00:19:32,022 to somehow see the relevance of nylon hosiery? 288 00:19:33,182 --> 00:19:36,301 That's funny. I thought so. It's like it suddenly just clicked, 289 00:19:36,302 --> 00:19:38,861 denier, den-ier, you know? 290 00:19:38,862 --> 00:19:42,061 Hello? Sorry? 291 00:19:42,062 --> 00:19:45,141 Who's that? Denise? 292 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:48,141 Hang on, slow down, slow down. You're not making any sense. 293 00:19:48,142 --> 00:19:50,141 What do you mean? What kind of tragedy? 294 00:19:50,142 --> 00:19:52,341 He's dead, Polly! 295 00:19:52,342 --> 00:19:55,821 The man I said was coming round tonight. 296 00:19:55,822 --> 00:19:59,182 It's, like, he just starting gasping and rolling his eyes. 297 00:20:00,222 --> 00:20:02,781 Obviously I thought he was enjoying himself. 298 00:20:02,782 --> 00:20:05,181 And then, all of a sudden, he just... 299 00:20:05,182 --> 00:20:08,982 went a funny colour and stopped breathing! 300 00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:14,741 I think I'm going... to faint! 301 00:20:14,742 --> 00:20:18,822 Oh, f...! No, don't faint! Don't faint! I'll be right over! 302 00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:23,701 What's happening now? Don't ask. 303 00:20:23,702 --> 00:20:25,422 Another crisis? 304 00:20:34,462 --> 00:20:37,502 Oh, God, Polly, what have I done? 305 00:20:40,182 --> 00:20:42,821 So, where is he? Still in there? 306 00:20:42,822 --> 00:20:46,421 Yes, and he's turned turtle now. 307 00:20:46,422 --> 00:20:48,501 Oh, what am I going to do? 308 00:20:48,502 --> 00:20:50,581 Turned turtle?! 309 00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:53,701 I was trying to see if there was some way I could get hold of him. 310 00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:57,101 I don't know! So have you rung for the police or an ambulance? 311 00:20:57,102 --> 00:20:59,541 I can't ring the police! And say what? 312 00:20:59,542 --> 00:21:02,141 I've got a dead male prostitute in the bath? 313 00:21:02,142 --> 00:21:05,821 They'll need two ambulances, one to take me away after Dean finds out! 314 00:21:05,822 --> 00:21:10,781 He is not going to see the funny side of this. Oh... 315 00:21:10,782 --> 00:21:13,101 I think my head's going to explode. 316 00:21:13,102 --> 00:21:15,941 Yes, Denise, do you think you might want to... put something on? 317 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,621 Yes. Good. 318 00:21:18,622 --> 00:21:20,701 Good idea. Yes. 319 00:21:20,702 --> 00:21:24,181 Something soothing, calm me down, 320 00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,901 while I try and get my thoughts straight here. 321 00:21:26,902 --> 00:21:28,221 Clothes, Denise! 322 00:21:28,222 --> 00:21:30,261 Clothes? Very good! 323 00:21:30,262 --> 00:21:31,902 Check his pockets! 324 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,101 Perhaps they could tell us something. 325 00:21:36,102 --> 00:21:38,262 Ah, here we go. Envelope. 326 00:21:39,422 --> 00:21:41,501 Looks like a gas bill. 327 00:21:41,502 --> 00:21:46,102 Mr K Parry, 13 Bishops Row, Lower Drayfield. 328 00:21:48,022 --> 00:21:51,141 OK, here's what we'll do. 329 00:21:51,142 --> 00:21:52,741 Think I saw this somewhere, 330 00:21:52,742 --> 00:21:55,541 might have been a Cracker or a Midsomer Murders. 331 00:21:55,542 --> 00:21:59,061 We drive him home in his car, and fill up the bath, 332 00:21:59,062 --> 00:22:01,461 then we just leave him for someone else to find. 333 00:22:01,462 --> 00:22:03,701 Maybe if we could put him in a sack. 334 00:22:03,702 --> 00:22:07,421 Put him in a sack?! Are you insane?! 335 00:22:07,422 --> 00:22:10,661 We can't walk out of here with a dead body! What if someone sees us?! 336 00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:13,701 No. That is completely out of the quest...? 337 00:22:13,702 --> 00:22:16,781 What's this? Are we going to examine his prostate now? 338 00:22:16,782 --> 00:22:20,501 Dabs, Polly! We don't want to leave a soco team any presents? 339 00:22:20,502 --> 00:22:23,421 Oh, you've got all the terminology - soco, dabs. 340 00:22:23,422 --> 00:22:26,581 You watch enough of cop shows, it rubs off. 341 00:22:26,582 --> 00:22:28,661 Oh, God. 342 00:22:28,662 --> 00:22:30,982 Maybe Jonathan was right. 343 00:22:32,102 --> 00:22:33,982 I should have been more careful. 344 00:22:59,502 --> 00:23:00,902 Dear God. 345 00:23:02,142 --> 00:23:04,341 Just need to try and slide him, that's it. 346 00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:06,302 Maybe we can put him on casters. 347 00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:20,222 Carefully. Slowly. 348 00:23:26,742 --> 00:23:29,581 'Hi, this is Denise and Dean. 349 00:23:29,582 --> 00:23:32,301 'Please leave a message after the beep. ' 350 00:23:32,302 --> 00:23:33,981 'Oh, God. Remind me never to invite 351 00:23:33,982 --> 00:23:35,861 'a strange man into my bath ever again. 352 00:23:35,862 --> 00:23:38,942 'It's not even as if we were going at it that hard. ' 353 00:23:51,982 --> 00:23:55,662 OK. I think I can cope now. 354 00:23:58,422 --> 00:24:00,461 I think we're going to be all right. 355 00:24:00,462 --> 00:24:02,502 I've got a feeling... What? 356 00:24:03,822 --> 00:24:07,141 No, just... I don't know what it was. 357 00:24:07,142 --> 00:24:09,821 It was like a pink butterfly or something just went past. 358 00:24:09,822 --> 00:24:11,821 At this time of night? 359 00:24:11,822 --> 00:24:13,781 Oh, God, Polly. 360 00:24:13,782 --> 00:24:15,781 Listen, you're a life saver. 361 00:24:15,782 --> 00:24:19,061 Thank you so, so much for tonight. 362 00:24:19,062 --> 00:24:20,821 But you've got to promise me, OK? 363 00:24:20,822 --> 00:24:24,621 You will not breathe a word of this to anyone. 364 00:24:24,622 --> 00:24:27,061 What are you now, Burke and Hare? 365 00:24:27,062 --> 00:24:29,261 You realise that's completely illegal. Is it? 366 00:24:29,262 --> 00:24:32,421 Well, it's bound to be. Everything's illegal now. 367 00:24:32,422 --> 00:24:35,221 There'll be some European Statute governing the re-immersion 368 00:24:35,222 --> 00:24:39,021 of corpses in water without their written consent - I don't know. 369 00:24:39,022 --> 00:24:41,181 What if you took him back to the wrong house? 370 00:24:41,182 --> 00:24:44,541 Someone's in for a nice surprise in the morning. Oh, don't say that! 371 00:24:44,542 --> 00:24:48,701 No, no, the key worked in the lock. Stop trying to scare me. 372 00:24:48,702 --> 00:24:51,941 Anyway, you're one to talk about riding to the rescue 373 00:24:51,942 --> 00:24:54,101 with damsels in distress. 374 00:24:54,102 --> 00:24:57,141 Any more of your exciting escapades I need to know about? 375 00:24:57,142 --> 00:25:00,101 Performing a Caesarian on Wincey Willis 376 00:25:00,102 --> 00:25:02,701 with a Swiss Army pen-knife? 377 00:25:02,702 --> 00:25:06,302 So... what time did she leave? 378 00:25:08,022 --> 00:25:09,662 She did leave? 379 00:25:13,342 --> 00:25:15,982 Madness. Complete madness. 380 00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:33,781 And everything was still locked? 381 00:26:33,782 --> 00:26:36,461 Windows obviously not an option. 382 00:26:36,462 --> 00:26:38,901 It's not the sort of thing your husband would creep in 383 00:26:38,902 --> 00:26:40,902 and leave as a present? 384 00:26:42,022 --> 00:26:44,541 And he'll be back here any minute. 385 00:26:44,542 --> 00:26:47,781 Oh... God. Oh, God, Oh, God. 386 00:26:47,782 --> 00:26:49,581 Sodding lamp! 387 00:26:49,582 --> 00:26:52,181 "Men and money," did I say? 388 00:26:52,182 --> 00:26:55,622 Cos this is really starting to do my brain in now, big time. 389 00:26:56,982 --> 00:26:59,381 Can you begin to guess how much it's worth? 390 00:26:59,382 --> 00:27:01,501 And this Kevin, who came round... 391 00:27:01,502 --> 00:27:05,981 Never so much as set foot in here the whole time, I can swear to that. 392 00:27:05,982 --> 00:27:09,221 I just changed the bed because... Oh, don't ask. 393 00:27:09,222 --> 00:27:12,781 Everything in the house just felt so unclean by that time, 394 00:27:12,782 --> 00:27:17,421 so I put on a complete set of fresh sheets, fresh pillow cases. 395 00:27:17,422 --> 00:27:18,701 I am telling you, 396 00:27:18,702 --> 00:27:23,541 that was absolutely not there when I went to sleep. 397 00:27:23,542 --> 00:27:25,101 Where did it come from? 398 00:27:25,102 --> 00:27:27,981 It's got like a number four on the back. 399 00:27:27,982 --> 00:27:29,742 Why does that seem vaguely familiar? 400 00:27:34,502 --> 00:27:39,381 The time's completely wrong, of course, with the winder pulled out. 401 00:27:39,382 --> 00:27:43,341 Maybe deliberately stopped at that point for some reason. 402 00:27:43,342 --> 00:27:45,861 Five past one. 403 00:27:45,862 --> 00:27:48,221 What time did you get back last night? 404 00:27:48,222 --> 00:27:50,702 11-ish. 11:15. Oh... 405 00:27:51,742 --> 00:27:54,501 So... who's the photographer? You or...? 406 00:27:54,502 --> 00:27:57,022 What? Oh, don't. 407 00:27:58,582 --> 00:28:00,661 If he spent less time playing with all his toys 408 00:28:00,662 --> 00:28:03,302 and bit more with me, it might've been a different story. 409 00:28:04,542 --> 00:28:07,022 I mean, what is going on here? 410 00:28:08,102 --> 00:28:11,421 A piece of priceless jewellery can't just magically 411 00:28:11,422 --> 00:28:14,501 appear from nowhere, out of thin air! 412 00:28:14,502 --> 00:28:16,861 Can it? Mmm. 413 00:28:16,862 --> 00:28:20,581 It's a bit of a shocker, I'll give you that. 414 00:28:20,582 --> 00:28:23,701 Why have I got the lurking suspicion we're not 415 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:27,742 looking at a gift here, but some kind of message? 416 00:28:28,822 --> 00:28:31,421 From someone... somewhere. 417 00:28:31,422 --> 00:28:32,862 A message from who? 418 00:28:34,222 --> 00:28:36,261 And trying to tell us what? 419 00:28:36,262 --> 00:28:39,182 Oh! 420 00:28:42,102 --> 00:28:46,861 Hello, Dean. Don't think you've met Polly... and Jonathan? 421 00:28:46,862 --> 00:28:49,822 We were... We were just leaving. 422 00:28:51,982 --> 00:28:55,621 And there was nothing else, last night, when you were out? 423 00:28:55,622 --> 00:28:57,941 No-one about, when you were outside his house? 424 00:28:57,942 --> 00:29:00,421 No-one who might have been following you, or...? 425 00:29:00,422 --> 00:29:03,941 You mean like a genie of the lamp, floated through the key-hole? 426 00:29:03,942 --> 00:29:06,342 There was a butterfly at one point, but... 427 00:29:08,062 --> 00:29:09,501 Sorry. 428 00:29:09,502 --> 00:29:13,181 Flew past me outside - or it might have been a moth. 429 00:29:13,182 --> 00:29:16,902 Bit gaily coloured for a moth - it was more of a pink colour. 430 00:29:29,742 --> 00:29:32,381 Of course! 431 00:29:32,382 --> 00:29:35,901 That's what it was. And this is where I saw it. 432 00:29:35,902 --> 00:29:38,221 That Government minister, Rowan Isherwood, 433 00:29:38,222 --> 00:29:40,221 whose wife's just been kidnapped. 434 00:29:40,222 --> 00:29:42,061 Look at this. 435 00:29:42,062 --> 00:29:45,421 Her personal monogram, LI... 436 00:29:45,422 --> 00:29:46,702 Lindsey Isherwood. 437 00:30:00,142 --> 00:30:01,982 Hang on. Pause it there. 438 00:30:05,382 --> 00:30:06,781 Oh. 439 00:30:06,782 --> 00:30:08,581 How does that work? 440 00:30:08,582 --> 00:30:10,621 They took the watch off her? 441 00:30:10,622 --> 00:30:14,701 And then miraculously planted it under the pillow of a woman, 442 00:30:14,702 --> 00:30:16,061 goodness knows how far away, 443 00:30:16,062 --> 00:30:19,662 who's got nothing to do with anything? What would be the point? 444 00:30:20,742 --> 00:30:23,941 Fairly obviously, no point whatsoever. 445 00:30:23,942 --> 00:30:27,061 Far more point if it had come from the victim. 446 00:30:27,062 --> 00:30:28,261 What? 447 00:30:28,262 --> 00:30:30,701 How desperate would you be, in her shoes, 448 00:30:30,702 --> 00:30:33,941 to send out some kind of cry for help to anyone who'd listen? 449 00:30:33,942 --> 00:30:35,861 Right, when they've got her locked up, 450 00:30:35,862 --> 00:30:39,901 chained up and handcuffed in a completely airtight dungeon? 451 00:30:39,902 --> 00:30:42,901 I mean, from the look of this, she can barely move from the spot. 452 00:30:42,902 --> 00:30:45,941 I know. On the face of it, an utterly fantastical notion. 453 00:30:45,942 --> 00:30:47,981 But what do we know about Lindsey Isherwood? 454 00:30:47,982 --> 00:30:50,541 About her famously inventive mind, her proven ability to dig her 455 00:30:50,542 --> 00:30:52,941 way out of any problem that's thrown at her? 456 00:30:52,942 --> 00:30:55,941 Clearly she's unable to speak or even write to anyone in there. 457 00:30:55,942 --> 00:31:00,381 But what if she'd managed, by some amazing, lateral process 458 00:31:00,382 --> 00:31:04,301 we can't even begin to imagine, to send some kind of coded SOS 459 00:31:04,302 --> 00:31:06,622 to the outside world? 460 00:31:07,942 --> 00:31:09,862 1-0-5. 461 00:31:10,902 --> 00:31:13,741 It's not a time. It's a date. 462 00:31:13,742 --> 00:31:16,541 1-0-5. The first of... 463 00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,701 Oh, God. 464 00:31:18,702 --> 00:31:21,462 May Day. 465 00:31:26,342 --> 00:31:28,701 Yeah, hello. 466 00:31:28,702 --> 00:31:30,221 Hi, Denise. 467 00:31:30,222 --> 00:31:33,701 What now? This is just getting so bizarre! 468 00:31:33,702 --> 00:31:36,821 I've just had a message from that escort company, 469 00:31:36,822 --> 00:31:39,421 saying that owing to incorrect information 470 00:31:39,422 --> 00:31:41,662 my credit card payment was declined. 471 00:31:42,702 --> 00:31:46,541 "And we are therefore unable to process your booking. " 472 00:31:46,542 --> 00:31:48,421 They never took my money. 473 00:31:48,422 --> 00:31:50,821 The transaction never went through. But that means... 474 00:31:50,822 --> 00:31:54,541 No-one from that place ever came round here last night. 475 00:31:54,542 --> 00:31:56,661 Well then who was that guy who died in your bath? 476 00:31:56,662 --> 00:31:59,541 I have absolutely no sodding idea. 477 00:31:59,542 --> 00:32:01,661 Erm... 478 00:32:01,662 --> 00:32:05,421 Well, this may or may not be connected, but... 479 00:32:05,422 --> 00:32:08,222 I think we've found out who that watch belongs to. 480 00:32:10,422 --> 00:32:13,821 I gave her this. Her 35th birthday. 481 00:32:13,822 --> 00:32:16,541 This is absolutely the watch she was wearing. 482 00:32:16,542 --> 00:32:18,061 Where did you get this from? 483 00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:20,461 Who are these people? All right, Mr Isherwood, 484 00:32:20,462 --> 00:32:22,821 I think we have to take this step by step for now. 485 00:32:22,822 --> 00:32:25,901 Vitally important in cases like this, we manage to sort out 486 00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:29,461 the cranks and time-wasters from those with a genuine lead. 487 00:32:29,462 --> 00:32:32,581 And, incredible as it sounds, I have to tell you that we 488 00:32:32,582 --> 00:32:37,061 found an almost perfect fingerprint from your wife on the glass here. 489 00:32:37,062 --> 00:32:40,501 In fact, so perfect, it would suggest... 490 00:32:40,502 --> 00:32:44,181 She placed it there deliberately... to prove it's genuine. 491 00:32:44,182 --> 00:32:46,381 What's the inference here? 492 00:32:46,382 --> 00:32:49,422 We know they've got her. They put out that loathsome video. 493 00:32:54,022 --> 00:32:55,581 What's this? 494 00:32:55,582 --> 00:32:58,901 Found just under three hours ago among some bushes on Limbury Common 495 00:32:58,902 --> 00:33:01,261 by a lady walking her dog. 496 00:33:01,262 --> 00:33:04,341 Discarded tights in the undergrowth wouldn't necessarily raise 497 00:33:04,342 --> 00:33:08,381 an eyebrow, but... in view of the up-market brand, 498 00:33:08,382 --> 00:33:10,061 and the rather curious fact 499 00:33:10,062 --> 00:33:13,061 that a knot's been tied in the elastic at the top, 500 00:33:13,062 --> 00:33:14,621 the whole area's been sealed off 501 00:33:14,622 --> 00:33:16,421 while we carry out a thorough search. 502 00:33:16,422 --> 00:33:17,781 We've no idea, of course, 503 00:33:17,782 --> 00:33:20,621 the extent of the damage before the dog got to them. 504 00:33:20,622 --> 00:33:24,661 Either way, I don't think we should jump to any conclusions as yet. 505 00:33:24,662 --> 00:33:26,981 Let's just wait and see for the moment what exactly... 506 00:33:26,982 --> 00:33:30,141 Karen Addams. 507 00:33:30,142 --> 00:33:32,342 Actually, he's with me now, sir. 508 00:33:33,342 --> 00:33:34,542 Oh, really? 509 00:33:35,662 --> 00:33:36,941 Yes. 510 00:33:36,942 --> 00:33:38,862 No, no, I will. Thank you. 511 00:33:41,422 --> 00:33:45,542 The kidnappers, apparently, have released another video. 512 00:33:47,662 --> 00:33:50,541 They're saying this was shot just 20 minutes ago. 513 00:33:50,542 --> 00:33:53,302 It seems to be more of the same. 514 00:33:54,982 --> 00:33:57,101 Except now with bare legs. 515 00:33:57,102 --> 00:33:59,381 And the watch is gone! 516 00:33:59,382 --> 00:34:02,142 What the hell does it mean, all of this? 517 00:34:14,142 --> 00:34:16,621 Yeah. Yeah. No, that's rough. 518 00:34:16,622 --> 00:34:18,261 No, that... 519 00:34:18,262 --> 00:34:20,101 That is seriously bad news. 520 00:34:20,102 --> 00:34:22,821 No, no, appreciate it, mate. Thanks for ringing. 521 00:34:22,822 --> 00:34:24,581 Yeah, see you round. 522 00:34:24,582 --> 00:34:27,381 "Bad news"? Yeah, not good. Not good. 523 00:34:27,382 --> 00:34:30,941 Mate of mine from the darts club, I'd known him six years. 524 00:34:30,942 --> 00:34:35,541 Oh, dear. Sorry. Yeah, 32. They reckon he had a heart condition. 525 00:34:35,542 --> 00:34:38,421 He never looked after himself, did he? 526 00:34:38,422 --> 00:34:42,381 I mean, he smoked 50 a day. Oh... But still no age, is it? 527 00:34:42,382 --> 00:34:45,061 One minute he's lying there, having a nice hot bath. 528 00:34:45,062 --> 00:34:48,221 Yeah, the neighbour went in this morning, apparently. 529 00:34:48,222 --> 00:34:49,661 And you know what the kicker is? 530 00:34:49,662 --> 00:34:52,021 It was only a couple of nights ago he said he'd try and pop 531 00:34:52,022 --> 00:34:55,422 round here, when he'd got a minute, have a look at your stiff clutch. 532 00:34:56,582 --> 00:34:59,981 Did you... mention that to me at all? 533 00:34:59,982 --> 00:35:03,061 Did I mention it? That was his trade, wasn't it? 534 00:35:03,062 --> 00:35:08,102 Kev Parry, car mechanic. Yeah, real choker. 535 00:35:09,622 --> 00:35:11,821 Anyway, you were a long time. 536 00:35:11,822 --> 00:35:14,421 What was it? Three-setter? What do you mean? 537 00:35:14,422 --> 00:35:17,861 Oh! Yes, yes. Marathon. 538 00:35:17,862 --> 00:35:23,901 Yes, that Penny's got a... demon backhand there now. 539 00:35:23,902 --> 00:35:29,661 Erm... Think I might just get in the shower... 540 00:35:29,662 --> 00:35:34,022 and then... perhaps have a lie down. 541 00:35:45,662 --> 00:35:48,262 Morning, Polly. Having a wee break. 542 00:35:49,462 --> 00:35:51,741 Having a coffee break? Erm, yes. 543 00:35:51,742 --> 00:35:54,542 How are you, Mr Greeley? Yes, fine. 544 00:35:55,822 --> 00:35:59,621 First Sunday in the month, the Photographic Club Bird Watch. 545 00:35:59,622 --> 00:36:02,541 If you go in the woods ever, up yonder, especially at night, 546 00:36:02,542 --> 00:36:04,302 there's some fascinating sights. 547 00:36:05,662 --> 00:36:10,381 If I "go" in the woods at night? Erm, not very often, no. 548 00:36:10,382 --> 00:36:13,021 Actually, while I've got you, 549 00:36:13,022 --> 00:36:15,901 something I forgot to mention the other night. 550 00:36:15,902 --> 00:36:19,261 I had a letter from a lady, through the newsletter, 551 00:36:19,262 --> 00:36:21,582 sounds very interested in your husband. 552 00:36:22,862 --> 00:36:25,741 Miss Poppy Mason, lives in Lower Thatcham, 553 00:36:25,742 --> 00:36:27,381 apparently she's an underwear model. 554 00:36:27,382 --> 00:36:30,101 She says she totally shares his fascination with unexplained 555 00:36:30,102 --> 00:36:32,501 phenomena and would love to meet up with him some time. 556 00:36:32,502 --> 00:36:35,781 What do you think? Shall I put her in touch? An underwear model. 557 00:36:35,782 --> 00:36:38,621 I don't think he's quite got over the weather girl yet, 558 00:36:38,622 --> 00:36:43,582 actually, so... But still, I mean, if she's that keen... 559 00:36:46,422 --> 00:36:49,942 And how's Heidi and Laurel? Not gone back yet. Not till next weekend, no. 560 00:36:51,102 --> 00:36:53,701 And they're both OK? 561 00:36:53,702 --> 00:36:56,941 Absolutely fine, as far as I know. 562 00:36:56,942 --> 00:36:58,742 Well, give them both my love. 563 00:37:07,942 --> 00:37:11,701 For goodness' sake, Laurel, don't be such a weed! 564 00:37:11,702 --> 00:37:15,061 I said we could do it and we did it. 565 00:37:15,062 --> 00:37:16,781 Look at me. 566 00:37:16,782 --> 00:37:20,981 It was ten hours ago and I'm still shaking. 567 00:37:20,982 --> 00:37:24,741 It was the most wretched night of my whole life! 568 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:28,821 And I tell you this much, Heidi, never again. 569 00:37:28,822 --> 00:37:34,701 Look. We are on the verge of something, don't you understand? 570 00:37:34,702 --> 00:37:38,021 It was never going to be easy, we knew that, 571 00:37:38,022 --> 00:37:41,462 but now is not the time to lose our nerve. 572 00:38:05,782 --> 00:38:07,101 You OK? 573 00:38:07,102 --> 00:38:10,341 Yeah, yeah. Just... head full of stuff. 574 00:38:10,342 --> 00:38:13,821 This kidnap thing. The more you try and tease it out... 575 00:38:13,822 --> 00:38:16,541 Killer, isn't it? 576 00:38:16,542 --> 00:38:18,462 Every way you come at it. 577 00:38:19,462 --> 00:38:23,142 But you're still not letting go... of that theory? 578 00:38:24,182 --> 00:38:27,701 She's somehow pulled off this amazing act of teleportation 579 00:38:27,702 --> 00:38:30,021 from inside an air-tight prison cell. 580 00:38:30,022 --> 00:38:32,821 Even you couldn't manage a trick like that. 581 00:38:32,822 --> 00:38:34,301 Well, you'd be surprised. 582 00:38:34,302 --> 00:38:35,982 It's just a knack mostly. 583 00:38:37,422 --> 00:38:40,141 Throwing that one curve-ball. 584 00:38:40,142 --> 00:38:41,941 A device, an idea... 585 00:38:41,942 --> 00:38:45,461 Sometimes the simplest thing that everyone's forgotten about. 586 00:38:45,462 --> 00:38:49,341 And then once you've tumbled it, the whole miracle's blown. 587 00:38:49,342 --> 00:38:51,021 And that "curve-ball" here is...? 588 00:38:51,022 --> 00:38:55,101 Almost certainly staring us in the face, but I just can't see it. 589 00:38:55,102 --> 00:39:00,981 Well, I have to say, when that camera went in really tight... 590 00:39:00,982 --> 00:39:05,541 it was like her eyes were definitely trying to tell you something. 591 00:39:05,542 --> 00:39:08,262 What? Only one thing that would be of any use... 592 00:39:09,382 --> 00:39:11,782 .. where they're hiding her. Would she even know? 593 00:39:14,062 --> 00:39:16,061 OK, so what have we got? 594 00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:20,101 Watches under pillows, a pair of ripped tights found on the common... 595 00:39:20,102 --> 00:39:22,821 That had a knot tied in the waistband. 596 00:39:22,822 --> 00:39:25,821 Suggesting... the elastic's gone? 597 00:39:25,822 --> 00:39:30,301 I don't know, that she's lost weight and they're too loose? 598 00:39:30,302 --> 00:39:31,662 Struggling on this one. 599 00:39:32,982 --> 00:39:34,622 Struggling... 600 00:39:35,862 --> 00:39:39,901 .. to see the relevance of nylon hosiery. 601 00:39:39,902 --> 00:39:42,141 That what she said? 602 00:39:42,142 --> 00:39:45,221 Daisy, when she was here, the other night. 603 00:39:45,222 --> 00:39:49,901 And, "If you say it the right way, it does make more sense. " 604 00:39:49,902 --> 00:39:55,061 A knot in the waist. Waist knot. 605 00:39:55,062 --> 00:39:57,381 I don't know. Maybe I'm scraping the barrel here. 606 00:39:57,382 --> 00:39:59,021 But bearing in mind this is someone 607 00:39:59,022 --> 00:40:00,981 that has got almost nothing to work with. 608 00:40:00,982 --> 00:40:03,221 Can only pray that someone else, somewhere, 609 00:40:03,222 --> 00:40:04,822 will be able to fathom the clue. 610 00:40:06,662 --> 00:40:08,221 What do you think? 611 00:40:08,222 --> 00:40:09,502 Waist knot... 612 00:40:10,902 --> 00:40:12,502 .. might just refer to... 613 00:40:13,742 --> 00:40:15,621 And this is how many? 614 00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:18,181 About 1½ miles from their house. 615 00:40:18,182 --> 00:40:19,982 Corporation recycling centre. 616 00:40:22,302 --> 00:40:24,741 Hardly be holding her there, but... 617 00:40:24,742 --> 00:40:26,262 maybe somewhere close by? 618 00:40:28,702 --> 00:40:31,782 No more than a glimmer I suppose, but something to sleep on, at least. 619 00:40:33,902 --> 00:40:37,301 Oh, you've not forgotten Mr Greeley's coming tomorrow? 620 00:40:37,302 --> 00:40:40,941 To pick up those logs I said we'd let him have. 621 00:40:40,942 --> 00:40:43,541 He said something to me this morning about some woman 622 00:40:43,542 --> 00:40:45,621 who'd been in touch with him. 623 00:40:45,622 --> 00:40:47,262 Seemed very keen to meet you. 624 00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:52,061 An underwear model of all things, think he said. 625 00:40:52,062 --> 00:40:55,261 Oh, yeah, he did mention something. 626 00:40:55,262 --> 00:40:57,381 I said, fine, as we're not due in till lunchtime, 627 00:40:57,382 --> 00:40:59,741 if he wanted to bring her along when he came. 628 00:40:59,742 --> 00:41:01,341 A quick chat over a cup of tea. 629 00:41:01,342 --> 00:41:04,381 Sent me a slightly strange text back, actually. 630 00:41:04,382 --> 00:41:06,261 "No problem. Sure I can arrange it. 631 00:41:06,262 --> 00:41:08,621 "Expect she'll be thrilled to meet you!" 632 00:41:08,622 --> 00:41:11,302 With three exclamation marks. Why strange? 633 00:41:12,862 --> 00:41:14,301 The exclamation mark 634 00:41:14,302 --> 00:41:17,421 is the typographical equivalent of a red nose, 635 00:41:17,422 --> 00:41:21,341 invariably used to make a weak joke appear faintly amusing. 636 00:41:21,342 --> 00:41:24,501 But where's the joke here? I can't see it. 637 00:41:24,502 --> 00:41:27,062 Maybe tomorrow all will become clear. 638 00:41:49,422 --> 00:41:51,861 How long you been using this? 639 00:41:51,862 --> 00:41:55,181 Sorry? "Protein-enriched, anti-wrinkle rejuvenating serum. 640 00:41:55,182 --> 00:41:58,621 "Eliminates bags under eyes. " Oh, yes. Complete crap of course. 641 00:41:58,622 --> 00:42:03,141 Ten past. I thought they'd be here by now. 642 00:42:03,142 --> 00:42:05,941 Who's that? 643 00:42:05,942 --> 00:42:07,662 Oh. Talk of the devil. 644 00:42:11,102 --> 00:42:15,061 Morning. You well? Yes. Morning. 645 00:42:15,062 --> 00:42:16,701 You on your own? Oh, no, no, no. 646 00:42:16,702 --> 00:42:18,901 She's here. She's just still in the van, 647 00:42:18,902 --> 00:42:20,782 if you want to come and say hello. 648 00:42:28,942 --> 00:42:30,741 There we go. 649 00:42:30,742 --> 00:42:33,541 I've watched this one mature, of course, 650 00:42:33,542 --> 00:42:37,141 from the tiniest chick into this rather splendid specimen, 651 00:42:37,142 --> 00:42:41,501 and I count myself very fortunate to have her on the doorstep. 652 00:42:41,502 --> 00:42:43,981 Erm... yeah. Slightly lost me. 653 00:42:43,982 --> 00:42:47,861 I can let her out if you want to inspect more closely. 654 00:42:47,862 --> 00:42:49,461 But we'll have to box clever 655 00:42:49,462 --> 00:42:52,381 in case she suddenly takes flight - they're a devil for that. 656 00:42:52,382 --> 00:42:54,861 Mr Greeley, what are you talking about? 657 00:42:54,862 --> 00:42:57,941 Why in heaven's name would I want to inspect it more closely? 658 00:42:57,942 --> 00:43:00,501 Well, as you specifically asked me to bring her along, 659 00:43:00,502 --> 00:43:03,981 I naturally assumed... Asked you to bring her along? 660 00:43:03,982 --> 00:43:06,941 Well, I don't think I imagined it, did I? 661 00:43:06,942 --> 00:43:10,141 Yes, strange as it may seem, I'm not in the habit of inviting 662 00:43:10,142 --> 00:43:13,301 semi-domesticated water-fowl round for morning coffee. 663 00:43:13,302 --> 00:43:15,701 What kind of nincompoop do you take me for? 664 00:43:15,702 --> 00:43:20,981 "Hi Mr G. Re Poppy, happy to oblige. Will you arrange? 665 00:43:20,982 --> 00:43:24,541 "If at all poss, could you bring heron Monday?" 666 00:43:24,542 --> 00:43:28,181 Well, quite patently I missed the space out! 667 00:43:28,182 --> 00:43:31,061 It's a tad of a non-sequitur, wouldn't you say? Well, I'm sorry. 668 00:43:31,062 --> 00:43:33,981 I was under the impression you took an interest in these things. 669 00:43:33,982 --> 00:43:36,021 If you knew how long it took me this morning 670 00:43:36,022 --> 00:43:37,661 to round this one up in the garden. 671 00:43:37,662 --> 00:43:40,461 It was only by the grace of God and three large tins of sardines 672 00:43:40,462 --> 00:43:43,861 I eventually managed... Mr Greeley, I despair. 673 00:43:43,862 --> 00:43:45,942 I completely and utterly despair. 674 00:43:49,702 --> 00:43:51,221 I'm not laughing. 675 00:43:51,222 --> 00:43:53,941 Really and honestly, I do empathise. 676 00:43:53,942 --> 00:43:56,582 Cos that must have been so disappointing! 677 00:43:58,582 --> 00:43:59,901 Poor thing. 678 00:43:59,902 --> 00:44:04,141 Was expecting to meet a serious ornithologist and what happens? 679 00:44:04,142 --> 00:44:07,701 Should be grateful, I suppose, he didn't let it out. 680 00:44:07,702 --> 00:44:10,502 There's no telling where it might have ended up. 681 00:44:22,942 --> 00:44:24,781 Don't worry. 682 00:44:24,782 --> 00:44:26,741 I'm sure we can pop Poppy Mason 683 00:44:26,742 --> 00:44:29,702 back in the diary again for you... very soon. 684 00:44:55,662 --> 00:44:58,901 "The rancid stench of adultery. " 685 00:44:58,902 --> 00:45:03,381 Excuse me? Givenchy, can you believe, didn't go for it? 686 00:45:03,382 --> 00:45:05,022 They're a tough nut to crack. 687 00:45:06,622 --> 00:45:09,901 As it happens, she may have just come up with a crucial piece in the 688 00:45:09,902 --> 00:45:13,182 jigsaw that conflates rather neatly with something on that map. 689 00:45:17,822 --> 00:45:20,861 If we look at that corporation recycling centre, 690 00:45:20,862 --> 00:45:23,581 the spot where those tights were found, 691 00:45:23,582 --> 00:45:25,661 and that house you both went to 692 00:45:25,662 --> 00:45:28,741 where our poor friend Kevin lived, what do you notice? 693 00:45:28,742 --> 00:45:31,422 They're all in a straight line. And? 694 00:45:32,902 --> 00:45:36,221 What does that prove? 695 00:45:36,222 --> 00:45:38,661 For the moment, nothing. 696 00:45:38,662 --> 00:45:41,982 But it does at least tell us where to look. 697 00:45:53,942 --> 00:45:57,302 Do you want to wait here? I may be a while. 698 00:46:29,102 --> 00:46:31,142 Oh! 699 00:46:33,102 --> 00:46:35,262 Oh! 700 00:46:46,022 --> 00:46:47,662 Jonathan? 701 00:46:50,302 --> 00:46:52,302 Jonathan? 702 00:46:54,302 --> 00:46:56,901 Sorry about that! Dead branch. 703 00:46:56,902 --> 00:46:59,021 What the hell are you doing?! 704 00:46:59,022 --> 00:47:01,661 Hopefully, trying to shed some final light 705 00:47:01,662 --> 00:47:04,422 on this whole rather fantastic affair. 706 00:47:06,542 --> 00:47:09,461 Yes! 707 00:47:09,462 --> 00:47:11,061 Got you, you bugger. 708 00:47:11,062 --> 00:47:12,781 What have you found? What is it? 709 00:47:12,782 --> 00:47:15,541 One thing it's not is a pink butterfly. 710 00:47:15,542 --> 00:47:19,421 But it does, I think, tell us everything we need to know about 711 00:47:19,422 --> 00:47:21,982 Lindsey Isherwood's teleportation trick. 712 00:47:23,862 --> 00:47:25,702 It's the remains of a balloon. 713 00:47:28,222 --> 00:47:32,941 The whole idea, talking about birds, that we might be looking at some 714 00:47:32,942 --> 00:47:38,261 kind of airborne delivery system, was immediately seductive. 715 00:47:38,262 --> 00:47:41,141 And once I'd locked in the fact that she'd been blowing them up 716 00:47:41,142 --> 00:47:42,382 that day for the party... 717 00:47:44,422 --> 00:47:48,502 There was only one train of events that made it all work. 718 00:48:22,262 --> 00:48:26,141 Putting the watch inside would identify the sender, 719 00:48:26,142 --> 00:48:28,301 but there had to be something else 720 00:48:28,302 --> 00:48:30,621 that would draw attention to the balloon 721 00:48:30,622 --> 00:48:33,382 and provide some kind of clue to the location. 722 00:49:04,982 --> 00:49:08,182 Raging gales would have helped it on its way. 723 00:49:10,142 --> 00:49:15,061 Till, as we know, the tights and balloon parted company... 724 00:49:15,062 --> 00:49:16,702 halfway across the common. 725 00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:22,701 Final port of call, 726 00:49:22,702 --> 00:49:26,102 the tree outside Kevin's house, where it bursts. 727 00:49:27,822 --> 00:49:31,022 And the rest of what happens just really has to flow from that. 728 00:49:44,782 --> 00:49:46,261 What? What? 729 00:49:46,262 --> 00:49:48,021 No, I don't know what it was. 730 00:49:48,022 --> 00:49:51,262 It was like a pink butterfly or something just went past. 731 00:50:17,142 --> 00:50:19,181 And just to cover all bases, of course, 732 00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,941 you confirmed the direction of the wind that night. 733 00:50:21,942 --> 00:50:24,422 With someone who knows about these things. 734 00:50:28,782 --> 00:50:31,621 Of course, it's quite possible I misread that whole thing with 735 00:50:31,622 --> 00:50:33,022 the recycling centre, but... 736 00:50:35,462 --> 00:50:38,342 Does feel a bit of a needle in a haystack job. 737 00:50:42,542 --> 00:50:46,501 If we're assuming it was something she could see from that window... 738 00:50:46,502 --> 00:50:49,701 It could be anywhere, I suppose, within a radius of miles. 739 00:50:49,702 --> 00:50:50,822 Where do you start? 740 00:50:51,862 --> 00:50:54,862 Not quite enough there for basic triangulation. 741 00:51:00,662 --> 00:51:02,741 But then, look at her options. 742 00:51:02,742 --> 00:51:05,901 She's done everything humanly possible. 743 00:51:05,902 --> 00:51:08,502 I guess there was nothing else of any value she could tell us. 744 00:51:13,462 --> 00:51:18,181 That other video, where she seemed to be rubbing her knee. 745 00:51:18,182 --> 00:51:19,582 There was a second clue... 746 00:51:20,742 --> 00:51:23,261 .. we never spotted... 747 00:51:23,262 --> 00:51:25,742 cos the way that dog had been had distracted us. 748 00:51:28,382 --> 00:51:30,142 From a hole in the knee. 749 00:51:30,942 --> 00:51:32,261 A ripped knee... 750 00:51:32,262 --> 00:51:33,662 a tear in the knee... 751 00:51:35,222 --> 00:51:37,142 .. a torn knee... 752 00:51:39,702 --> 00:51:42,461 Oh. 753 00:51:42,462 --> 00:51:44,062 Unbelievable. 754 00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,822 What? 755 00:51:52,702 --> 00:51:55,701 And that second reference point turned out to be the breakthrough. 756 00:51:55,702 --> 00:51:57,861 Two locations well known to the victim - the pub 757 00:51:57,862 --> 00:52:00,581 and the recycle centre - would have been visible only from one 758 00:52:00,582 --> 00:52:03,662 very narrow section of the surrounding countryside. 759 00:52:19,302 --> 00:52:20,822 Stay as you are! 760 00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:39,462 Officers! Armed police! 761 00:53:00,182 --> 00:53:05,421 Well, I think all that deserves a little celebration of some kind. 762 00:53:05,422 --> 00:53:08,101 I thought we could try out that new pizza place tonight. 763 00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:10,061 What do you reckon? Live entertainment, 764 00:53:10,062 --> 00:53:11,541 we can stuff ourselves silly. 765 00:53:11,542 --> 00:53:13,581 I might buy us a bottle of champagne. 766 00:53:13,582 --> 00:53:16,861 Yes, go on! Pat on the back, I think you've earned it. 767 00:53:16,862 --> 00:53:20,221 I don't know about that other woman, but you've certainly saved my life. 768 00:53:20,222 --> 00:53:23,701 You know just when you're starting to doubt your own sanity? 769 00:53:23,702 --> 00:53:27,501 Yes. So how are things then now, Denise, with you and Dean? 770 00:53:27,502 --> 00:53:30,421 Seem to have settled down a bit? Well... 771 00:53:30,422 --> 00:53:34,221 I don't want to tempt fate, but, so far, just lately, 772 00:53:34,222 --> 00:53:36,541 things have been, picking up, let's say. 773 00:53:36,542 --> 00:53:39,181 But you've not come clean with him yet, about...? 774 00:53:39,182 --> 00:53:41,301 Oh, God, no! 775 00:53:41,302 --> 00:53:44,781 Fingers crossed, that is one stupid, tragic episode, 776 00:53:44,782 --> 00:53:46,662 he will never need to know about. 777 00:54:04,142 --> 00:54:06,622 You have three new messages. 778 00:54:12,262 --> 00:54:14,981 Listen, these last few days... 779 00:54:14,982 --> 00:54:17,661 Sorry if I've been a bit, you know. 780 00:54:17,662 --> 00:54:19,342 Women get these paranoias. 781 00:54:20,622 --> 00:54:22,781 So you're definitely OK about seeing Daisy again? 782 00:54:22,782 --> 00:54:26,381 Cos she was so keen to have us round. And one thing she can do is cook. 783 00:54:26,382 --> 00:54:28,421 Absolutely. No, of course. It'll be great. 784 00:54:28,422 --> 00:54:30,461 Yeah, cos the "rancid stench of adultery". 785 00:54:30,462 --> 00:54:32,861 Where did that one come from? Oh, no. 786 00:54:32,862 --> 00:54:35,501 That was just something that... 787 00:54:35,502 --> 00:54:37,821 OK, folks, time to settle down now 788 00:54:37,822 --> 00:54:41,061 for our Friday Night Open Mic entertainment. 789 00:54:41,062 --> 00:54:43,621 Will you give a very warm welcome please to 790 00:54:43,622 --> 00:54:47,662 a charming new double act, Heidi and Laurel? 791 00:54:53,902 --> 00:54:57,501 Good evening. We are thrilled to be here! 792 00:54:57,502 --> 00:55:00,982 As you can see, I'm beside myself. 793 00:55:02,822 --> 00:55:07,061 We are not, as you might think, identical twins. 794 00:55:07,062 --> 00:55:08,782 I'm identical, but she isn't. 795 00:55:10,182 --> 00:55:13,901 I've always been the one who takes all the risks. 796 00:55:13,902 --> 00:55:17,221 You see, wasn't born till three hours after her. 797 00:55:17,222 --> 00:55:19,542 Always afraid to stick her neck out. 798 00:55:24,662 --> 00:55:27,422 Well this is a turn up for the books! 799 00:55:28,502 --> 00:55:29,982 Although... 800 00:55:33,182 --> 00:55:35,741 This really isn't funny, Heidi. 801 00:55:35,742 --> 00:55:38,982 We'll never get away with this in a month of Sundays. 802 00:55:40,062 --> 00:55:42,861 I can't go through with it, I'm sorry. 803 00:55:42,862 --> 00:55:46,421 So where to next? The Bellagio, Vegas? 804 00:55:46,422 --> 00:55:49,541 See? I said she'd got a sense of humour. 805 00:55:49,542 --> 00:55:53,581 You know, she would never have sent it the other day - that photograph. 806 00:55:53,582 --> 00:55:55,301 Photograph? 807 00:55:55,302 --> 00:55:58,021 We'd only set it up the night before. 808 00:55:58,022 --> 00:56:00,981 and it seemed such a coincidence. 809 00:56:00,982 --> 00:56:02,821 Did you not realise 810 00:56:02,822 --> 00:56:06,261 from the little word balloon and everything? 811 00:56:06,262 --> 00:56:07,462 Word balloon. 812 00:56:11,102 --> 00:56:14,061 We just thought, what were the chances? 813 00:56:14,062 --> 00:56:17,462 With it coming up on the scrabble board like that. 814 00:56:23,302 --> 00:56:25,741 No. 815 00:56:25,742 --> 00:56:27,742 No, that was a coincidence. 816 00:56:29,502 --> 00:56:30,781 Anyway... 817 00:56:30,782 --> 00:56:32,581 Enjoy the rest of your evening. 818 00:56:32,582 --> 00:56:34,701 Yes, you too. Great set. 819 00:56:34,702 --> 00:56:37,861 And I love the way you didn't go for the obvious name - 820 00:56:37,862 --> 00:56:39,021 Laurel and Heidi. 821 00:56:39,022 --> 00:56:41,182 Laurel and...? Oh! 822 00:56:42,582 --> 00:56:45,302 There's a thought. 823 00:56:49,982 --> 00:56:52,261 So there you go. 824 00:56:52,262 --> 00:56:53,662 Worrying over nothing. 825 00:56:55,062 --> 00:56:58,062 Hang on. What's this? 826 00:56:59,262 --> 00:57:01,141 Oh! Yes! 827 00:57:01,142 --> 00:57:04,381 She pressed it into my hand just as we were coming out. 828 00:57:04,382 --> 00:57:07,661 Had quite enough of "magic wishes" for the time being, I think, so... 829 00:57:07,662 --> 00:57:09,541 Why anyone would ever believe that stuff? 830 00:57:09,542 --> 00:57:11,342 I know! 831 00:57:16,582 --> 00:57:18,701 Oh, God. 832 00:57:18,702 --> 00:57:20,581 What? Oh, that's terrible. 833 00:57:20,582 --> 00:57:23,661 Daisy. Said she came home last night from work, 834 00:57:23,662 --> 00:57:25,821 found her whole place had been flooded! 835 00:57:25,822 --> 00:57:28,541 Burst pipe or something from the flat above. 836 00:57:28,542 --> 00:57:32,101 She said she stepped inside, slipped over and broke her leg. 837 00:57:32,102 --> 00:57:35,382 She's going to be on crutches now, for three months. Oh, dear. 838 00:57:38,582 --> 00:57:42,341 Well, that's put the kibosh on our plans. 839 00:57:42,342 --> 00:57:43,982 Anyway...