1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720 Come on, guys, it was an honest mistake. 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,080 - Who series-links Babestation? - It's not even a series. 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,920 Not like it matters if you miss an episode. I'm sure you'll catch up. 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,480 You've wiped everything! 5 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,640 - Not the controller. - Oh! 6 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,360 This is just typical of you, Owen. You only care about yourself. 7 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:16,680 Oh, that is not true, I do care! 8 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,360 That's why I made you this little present to show you I'm sorry. 9 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,920 - Oh, I don't want one of your mix tapes! - What's wrong with you? 10 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,080 We're friends, aren't we? 11 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:25,800 It's weird. It's shorthand for "I'm deep, let's make love". 12 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,480 - I'm not your girlfriend. - I know! 13 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,840 That's why I had to series-link Babestation. 14 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,840 Lily? It's Josh. 15 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,400 Oh, my God, hey! 16 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,520 - Josh from school? - Josh from school. 17 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,400 I wrote your Lord Of The Flies coursework for you! 18 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,200 Oh, yeah. Thanks. 19 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,720 - So, I'm a comedian now. - Wow! 20 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,640 - I know, yeah! - No, seriously, wow! 21 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,680 Yeah, I know, thanks. 22 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,320 You are literally the last person I would have expected. 23 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,680 I mean, you weren't at all funny at school. 24 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,680 I mean, I never spoke to you but you didn't look funny. 25 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,480 I mean, you looked funny, but you didn't look FUNNY. 26 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,200 - Right, OK. - So is that quite an unreliable job, then? 27 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,760 - Do you have a pension? - No, no, no. Toying with an ISA. 28 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,200 - God, you're what my dad would call a drain on society. - Right. 29 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,920 Actually, what are you doing tomorrow night? 30 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,160 - Why? - Come for a drink. 31 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,800 Are you a financial advisor? 32 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,240 No, I mean socially. 33 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,080 What? Me and you together, at the same time? Yeah, definitely. 34 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,640 And maybe we could take photos and put them on Facebook 35 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,600 so people from school can see what we're up to? 36 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,480 - No, don't do that. - No, I won't do that, I was joking. 37 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,440 - Are these clean or not? - What the hell are you doing in here? 38 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,200 Tidying the flat before my mum gets here. 39 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,120 She needs my bedroom so you're going in with Owen, and I'm in here. 40 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,920 They don't go in there. They're clean! 41 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,120 You call these clean? I think you need to start using hotter washes. 42 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,360 Right, give me them here. 43 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,680 Anyway, anyway this doesn't matter, 44 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,920 cos you're not going to believe what's just happened to me. 45 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,480 What do these two words mean to you? Lily Riley. 46 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,280 Er, the massive bitch who melted my Trevor and Simon ruler. 47 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,120 Or you might remember her as the hottest girl in school. 48 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,640 Nope, I remember her as the cow who stole my training bra 49 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,240 - and then brought it in for show-and-tell. - Well, it's funny! 50 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,080 She said it was for transporting acorns, 51 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,160 - but that it wouldn't hold enough for a squirrel's lunch! - That's funny! 52 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,520 Big mistake. You mess with the K-Bomb, you're going 53 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,040 to get ink on your Naf Naf jacket! 54 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,760 Oh, come on, Kate. You need to move on. It's not the '90s any more. 55 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:46,080 But if it was, I would be sat on the back seat of the bus with 56 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,560 the hottest girl in school, cos I have a date with Lily Riley. 57 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,120 - You're going on a date with Lily Riley? - Oh, yeah! 58 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,040 - This is fantastic! - I know! 59 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,680 Look how far she has fallen! 60 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,640 Reduced to going on a date with a guy 61 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,760 she used to call the Fresh Prince of Bell End! 62 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,080 Did she? That doesn't matter. 63 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,000 Maybe she was playing hard to get, or maybe she was intimidated by me. 64 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,560 She was out of my league physically, 65 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,280 I was out of her league intellectually. 66 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,400 There's no such thing as an intellectual league. 67 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,040 Oh, really? Then why was I in top maths? 68 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,920 Because you didn't have a social life! 69 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,400 Look, to be honest, she had her pick of the football team. 70 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,000 I'm not sure she was secretly yearning for the spotty blond 71 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,400 in the Umbro manager's jacket. 72 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,040 It was a nice jacket! Ruud Gullit had one! 73 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,000 Oh, you are so sad sometimes, 74 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,000 it makes me want to cry! Also, you hated her. 75 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,240 Remember her boyfriend pulled down your trousers 76 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,680 in front of everyone and you got the nickname "The Grape"? 77 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,200 - Yes. - Who pulled down his trousers? - No, you don't need to... 78 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,920 - It was at school. - No, shush-shush! - Craig Lemington pulled down 79 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,120 - his trousers in the tuck shop... - No, don't tell him! 80 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,000 - ..and his knob looked like a grape. - A grape? 81 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,760 Wasn't going to find it arousing, was I? 82 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,800 - What kind of grape? - No, that's not the point, the point... - Seedless! 83 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,160 The point is that my trousers are going to be down 84 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,960 near Lily Riley again, but this time, on my terms. 85 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,360 You do know flashing is a crime? 86 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,760 No, what I mean is, she wants to pull down my trousers. 87 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,320 Why would she want to do that? Is she opening a vineyard? 88 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,480 You're both just jealous 89 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,760 cos I'm going out with the hottest girl in school. 90 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,720 Oh, oh, yeah. And she was notoriously picky. 91 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,120 I mean, she only slept with 92 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,280 - every single bouncer in Torquay. - No, she didn't. 93 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,520 - They used to radio each other to say she was on her way. - No, they didn't! 94 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,880 And, her dad was that judge. 95 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,360 And when he found out Craig Lemington kissed Lily, 96 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,200 he put him in jail for a week without trial. 97 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,120 - No, no-one's got those powers! - And he hit one of her boyfriends 98 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,480 - in the balls with a golden gavel. - Right. 99 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,720 - A - where would he have got a golden gavel? - 25 years of service? 100 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,320 Right. And B - these are urban myths. 101 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,880 Fair enough. Just remember, Josh, 102 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,800 think with your head, not with your grape. 103 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,600 - Get away from my grape. - Little grapey. - Get away from my grape. 104 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,520 Why are these Top Trumps everywhere? Do you even use them? 105 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,000 They are educational! 106 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,120 OK, look, Owen. 107 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:47,160 When my mum gets here, you are on your best behaviour, OK? 108 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,200 She is turning 50 and it is vital she has a good time. 109 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,600 So no Babestation? 110 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,680 - God! Just try and show you care for once. - I do care! 111 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,200 Why do you keep saying that? I'm a master of talking to mums, 112 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,200 aunties, cool grans. 113 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,720 If they were giving out qualifications for charming 114 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,600 the slightly older lady, I would have a GNVQ. 115 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,120 OK, cool. Well, she likes all the normal mum stuff, OK? 116 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:11,840 Like Magic FM, er, Great British Bake Off, me, my sister... 117 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,240 Well, soon she's going to have a new thing to like. 118 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:15,360 - DOORBELL RINGS - This guy! 119 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,680 OK, well... Look, it's not been long since my dad left, 120 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,280 so just don't be a dickhead. 121 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,760 Mum! 122 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,240 Hello, darling! You did give me the right address. 123 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,040 There's a terrible smell out there. 124 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,320 - I've checked my shoes but I think it must just be the hallway. - Er, OK. 125 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,720 Hello! 126 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:32,960 Hello. 127 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,960 - Owen, this is Judith. - You didn't tell me you had a sister, Kate. - Umm. 128 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,240 - Umm - I'm her mother. - Oh! Mother? 129 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,960 Could have fooled me, hold the front page, world's youngest mother! 130 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,080 - Actually, that's quite a bleak news story. - You should see her sister. 131 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,000 She's four years older, had three children, 132 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,160 looks younger than both of us. Doesn't she, Kate? 133 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,000 - Thanks, Mum. - No, she must have good genes. 134 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,320 She could be our granddaughter, couldn't she, Kate? 135 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,760 Well, she's immature, if that's what you mean. 136 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,080 Jumped on it, haven't you? Just jumped on it. 137 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,560 I wasn't jumping on anything. 138 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,520 You've just got here and now you're... 139 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:08,320 - Guys, you left the front door wide open. - Oh! - And who might you be? 140 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,960 Kate, you didn't tell me you were subletting to Goldie Hawn. 141 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,840 Geoff, this is my mum Judith. Judith, this is Geoff, our landlord. 142 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,840 Oh! 143 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,000 Beauty begat beauty. 144 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,920 Is it important, Geoff? Mum is just settling in, so... 145 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,400 Yeah, I just came round to see if my man Owen is still OK to 146 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,160 help me out in a couple of days, clearing out one of my garages. 147 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,520 I own three garages, Judith. Large enough for a sports car. 148 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,800 Yeah. Could do with a hand, Owen? 149 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,560 Give the back a bit of a rest. 150 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,800 I er, I did it moving my music centre. 151 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,520 I've got...I've got a music centre. 152 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,600 It's quadruple deck. You can record directly off radio. 153 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,440 - Wow. - It's all good with me, Geoff. 154 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,360 And I also came round 155 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:54,040 to see if anyone needs a tour of London Town. Judith? 156 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,040 We could start at a lovely Italian restaurant I know. 157 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,080 Have you been to Spaghetti House? 158 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,200 Er, sorry, Geoff, but I've already agreed to show Judith around, 159 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,400 - isn't that right, Judith? - Oh, yes, that's right. 160 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,640 - Yes...Owen. - Sorry, mate. 161 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:11,160 - Can I come? - No. Anything else, Geoff? - No. 162 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,920 Owen is quite the romantic swordsman, isn't he? 163 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,160 - OK, thank you, Geoff. - Geoffrey will have to raise his game. 164 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,920 Yeah, people think comedy is exciting and glamorous. 165 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,840 But I haven't been on holiday for four years. 166 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,280 Last year, I earned so little, I didn't even have to pay income tax. 167 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,240 - Amazing. - You really like that? 168 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,280 Yeah. I love it. 169 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,840 I'm sick of the same old "Lily, why don't you settle down? 170 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,160 "Why don't you give me some grandchildren? 171 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,920 "Why don't you stop setting fire to things?" 172 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:50,400 If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will. 173 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,640 I only own one pair of shoes. 174 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,000 - Keep talking. - This watch come out of a cereal packet. 175 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,840 Now you're just showing off. 176 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:59,480 Let's get some atmosphere in here. Do you want to dim the lights? 177 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,400 What's wrong with these light switches? 178 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,120 How am I meant to know which one corresponds to which switch? 179 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,200 Yeah, those are for the kitchen lights. 180 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,280 It makes no sense. Who wired this place - Wile E Coyote? 181 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,760 I mean, in a minute, an anvil's going to fall on me. 182 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,960 - Is this one of your routines? - Do you think it should be? 183 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,560 Not if you want to start paying income tax. 184 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,320 This is a nice place, isn't it? 185 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,200 How do you afford it? 186 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,640 I don't. It's my dad's. 187 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,040 Your dad lives here? 188 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,920 Ah, speak of the devil. 189 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,960 Hello, Lily. And you are? 190 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,000 Hello, I'm Josh. 191 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,760 Don't touch the marble. 192 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,200 Josh and I have just been out drinking together. 193 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,160 I wouldn't say drinking. We just had one or two very quiet drinks. 194 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,400 I had a shandy. And I didn't even finish it. 195 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,520 I'll leave that one over there, I think. 196 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,400 Josh is a comedian. 197 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,920 - He's so skint, I had to pay for everything. - Did you? 198 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,120 - PHONE RINGS - I'll get it. 199 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,040 His watch is from a cereal packet. 200 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,120 Listen, boy, I've moved to London to keep an eye on my daughter 201 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,040 and I won't have yet another boyfriend messing things up. 202 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,360 Did she say I'm her boyfriend? 203 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,600 No, and she never will. Do you even have a pension? 204 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,400 I'm toying with an ISA. 205 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,960 ISAs are not to be toyed with. 206 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,160 I don't like comedians. 207 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,600 No time for jokes. "A horse walks into a bar"? 208 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:25,160 Not on my watch. No animals near food preparation areas. 209 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,760 - Very wise. - Look, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case. 210 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,840 I'm tired and I can't be arsed with this. 211 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:36,880 So you and your jokes just toddle off home now. There's a good lad. 212 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,000 Yes, your honour. Just get my coat. 213 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,680 To the left. 214 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:49,880 Thank you. 215 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,360 - Mum? - Don't think so. - (What are you doing up?) 216 00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,920 - I'm just back from Lily's. - Ssh! 217 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,560 (I'm back from Lily's. And next on the agenda, a piss.) 218 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,920 Oh, no, you can't! My mum's asleep. You'll wake her. 219 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,920 - You piss for ages. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. 220 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,360 You told me last week you pissed for so long, you became genuinely bored! 221 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,120 I'd forgotten my phone. Now let me past. 222 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,840 You know what it's like for me. When I've got to go, I've got to go. 223 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,880 No, no! No midnight pissing while my mum is here. 224 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,800 If you wanted to empty your bladder, you should've done it earlier. 225 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:20,880 One old person turns up, 226 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,160 you start running this place like a dodgy care home. 227 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,560 I should film this and send it to Watchdog. 228 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,360 - Now, I've had a stressful night, let me past! - Oh, why? 229 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,800 Did Lily pull down your trousers in front of the tuck shop? 230 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,680 Worse, her Dad showed up and threw me out the house 231 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,880 just as we were about to get down to it. 232 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,520 Firstly, only James Brown says "get down to it". 233 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,160 Secondly, Lily lives with her dad? Brilliant! 234 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:44,480 Thirdly, you're going to be the only person ever to have dated 235 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,200 Lily Riley and not had sex with her. 236 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,680 You could be on Record Breakers. 237 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,200 Not true. I got a text from her on the way home. 238 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,640 Her dad throwing me out really got her going. 239 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,600 (I'm bringing her back here tomorrow night. 240 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,680 (If I was you, I would hide my training bra.) 241 00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,880 (Oh, you are not going to bring that bitch back here. 242 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:00,920 (If you do, I'm going to 243 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,840 (put a bucket of soapy water above the door.) 244 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,840 (All right, Dave Benson Phillips. Why are you up, anyway?) 245 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,520 (My mum described her weekend with my sister as 246 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,280 ("her greatest experience as a mother". 247 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,600 (I'm just feeling the pressure a bit. Can't sleep.) 248 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,160 (You can't sleep? You should try going in with Owen. 249 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,880 (Last time I top-and-tailed with him, I woke up with his toe in my mouth. 250 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,960 (I had been having a dream about a Chupa Chups! 251 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,560 (Actually, maybe your mum could go in with Owen, 252 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,760 (then I could have my bed back. They seem to be getting on all right. 253 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,520 - (What do you mean by that?) - (What's your problem?) - (Nothing. 254 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,320 (Just something that Geoff said. He implied Owen and my mum were...) 255 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,840 - (Getting down to it?) - (Stop using that phrase!) 256 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,960 (I think they would make a lovely couple.) 257 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,640 (Oh, just go and have your quiet piss. 258 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:44,600 (And hit the porcelain, not the water.) 259 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,080 But you've had girlfriends before, Joshy? 260 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,960 Yeah, but she's different. Her dad absolutely hates me. 261 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,920 I mean, I don't think he's going to let me...be with her. 262 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,560 You know, I have been around long enough to know what you mean 263 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,040 by "be with her". 264 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,760 Oh, I want to be with her so much, Judith. 265 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,800 I want to be with her in every room of the house. 266 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,760 Oh, little Joshy. 267 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,400 You were always so special. 268 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,160 Do you know, you were the only boy we ever let come on sleepovers? 269 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,320 That's flattering. 270 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,200 Hmm. You want to be careful. This one sounds like trouble. 271 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,040 She reminds me of that nasty little cow that used to bully 272 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,680 - Kate at your school. - Lily Riley? 273 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,720 Yes, that's the one, addicted to dating failures. 274 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,240 Drove her father mad. Left most of them wrecked. 275 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,800 I'd be amazed if any of those poor boys ever managed 276 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,360 to have a relationship again. 277 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,720 - But she did sleep with them? - Oh, yes. She... 278 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,800 Happy birthday, Mum. 279 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,800 Oh, my goodness me! 280 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,400 There you go. 281 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,400 Oh, my goodness. Almost forgotten. 282 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,600 Is that me? 283 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,040 No, it's Mary Berry. It's a Mary Berry cake. 284 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,280 Oh! Well, she'd struggle to use that as ID, wouldn't she? 285 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,320 The Queen would stand a better chance, wouldn't she? 286 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,680 Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have. 287 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:01,480 OK. Well, er, you're going to love your present! 288 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,720 Ta-da! 289 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,960 THEY MIMIC TRUMPET FANFARE 290 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,160 - It's a Paul Hollywood jigsaw! - It is, yeah. 291 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,040 Look at that. A 3,000-piece jigsaw. 292 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,880 Oh, you shouldn't have, really. 293 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,640 Oh, look - Mary, Mary, it's Paul. "Hello, Mary." 294 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,640 - "Got a soggy bottom, Paul?" - You don't like it, do you? 295 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,120 You prefer what my sister got you, don't you? 296 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,120 - What did she get you? - Oh. A handbag. 297 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,280 - What kind of handbag? - Brown. - What make? 298 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:35,800 - Mulberry. But I like both presents equally. - Yeah, right. 299 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,080 Oh, no. Look what I've done now. She's rouging. 300 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,440 - Oh, yeah. - You're rouging, aren't you, darling? 301 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,320 - I'm not. - She's rouging. You are rouging. 302 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,520 - Stop it. Don't join in! - Half woman, half apple! 303 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,840 I'm not rouging! I'm not rouging, Mum! 304 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,360 She's always rouging. 305 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,440 Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come on. 306 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,360 - Let's, oh... - Is she...? 307 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:58,000 Ah. Hello, Judith. A little birdy told me it was your birthday. 308 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,840 And I couldn't let the occasion pass without saying how much 309 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,320 I appreciate you. 310 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,440 - Really? But we only met yesterday. - Yeah. 311 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:08,160 And as soon we met I thought of one thing, and one thing only. 312 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,560 Spa! 313 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,120 - The shop? - No, the thing. 314 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,920 I am a member of a little health spa down the road. 315 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,080 - Really? - Yes. So I got you a ticket, 316 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,560 for some treatments tomorrow evening. 317 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,160 Oh. extraordinary. 318 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,800 You know, I've never been to a spa in my life, 319 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,120 and in the last two weeks I have been to two. 320 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,800 Because her sister bought me the most incredible... 321 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,320 - Oh, well done her. - Jumped on it. 322 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,400 - I didn't jump on it. I'm just saying well done her! - Jumped on it. 323 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,800 Happy birthday, Judith! 324 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,960 - Oh, hello, Owen. - Oh, hello, Geoff. 325 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,600 I've just, er, treated Judith to some pampering tomorrow evening. 326 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:44,920 Can you beat that? 327 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,040 Well, you know. Just got you a little something. 328 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,840 Oh, you shouldn't really, honestly. 329 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,720 Kate told me that you like music so...I made you this. 330 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,120 Oh, you shouldn't have, really! A mix tape! 331 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,800 A mix tape, interesting. 332 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,880 Yeah, a mix tape. Yeah, I can make you a copy of that 333 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,360 on my er, music centre. 334 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,680 "Now That's What I Call Judith"! 335 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,360 It's all the biggest hits from every year of your life. 336 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,840 - So just the 21 tracks. - I'm not 21! 337 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,960 I can't believe it. And I won't believe it. 338 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,320 Have you heard of Eagle-Eye Cherry? 339 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,640 No, I don't think I have, Owen. 340 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,680 Well, when you do, You'll want to Save Tonight, 341 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,840 because to celebrate Judith being 50 years young, 342 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,000 I thought why don't we go to the pub for some drinks? 343 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,240 - How does that sound? - You don't have to do this, Owen. 344 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,200 It's fine. You know it's in my nature to care. 345 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,240 No, you can stop. My mum doesn't even like going to the pub, anyway. 346 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:29,640 - So it's... - I'd love that, Owen. 347 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,480 - Thank you. - Aw! - OK, well, I'm coming too. 348 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,320 - Yes, of course you are, darling. - Me too. - No. 349 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,320 - You don't remember Nigel Lawson? - I do remember Nigel Lawson, yes! 350 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,600 - And his daughter now, I suppose, Nigella. - Yeah. Of course. - Yeah, I had a dream about Nigel Lawson. 351 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,280 Yeah, of course. As it's your birthday, how about some bubbly? 352 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,880 Oh, there's no need to buy champagne. 353 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,640 Er, barman, can I have a bottle of your finest champagne, please? 354 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,760 I can vouch that she's over the age of 18. 355 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,360 Honestly, what a gentleman. 356 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,600 I've only ever been bought champagne once before. 357 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,280 And that was by Kate's sister in Paris. 358 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,200 - Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get the champagne. - Thank you. 359 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,800 - 45 quid! - Here it comes. 360 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,440 Right, Judith. As it's your special day, 361 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,000 why don't we link arms, like they do in the films, 362 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,320 - and toast the most exciting and fun chapter of your life. - Which? 363 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:20,000 It's the one that's still to come! How does that sound? So, cheers! 364 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,440 - Cheers! - Here we go. - Cheers. 365 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,600 Hmm. Happy birthday! 366 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,240 THEY LAUGH 367 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,520 # They say that you're the runaround lover 368 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:39,080 # Though you say it isn't so 369 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:44,240 # But if you put me down for another 370 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,120 # I'll know, believe me, I'll know... # 371 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,520 Don't expect much from my place. It's pretty basic. 372 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,120 - We can always just stay at mine. - No, we're almost there now. 373 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,400 So we might as well go there. 374 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,760 Shame. Dad's got his legal mates round. 375 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,240 They're probably watching a Judge Judy marathon 376 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,680 with their wigs on. You're so lucky living on your own. 377 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,600 - I've actually got a couple of flatmates. - Oh, who do you live with? 378 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,760 A couple of fellow underachievers. One's a failed photographer. 379 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,280 - What does the other one do? - He's Welsh. 380 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,880 Do you remember that awful Kate girl that you used to hang out with? 381 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,160 - She was so lame. - She was all right! 382 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,640 Nut nipples? No, she wasn't. She was in top maths. 383 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,040 Oh, yeah! What a lamo. 384 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,120 God, I wonder what happened to her? 385 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:27,000 You know, for her GCSE's, she got straight A stars. What a loser! 386 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,880 Yeah, qualifications are so pointless. 387 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,040 I failed everything. You? 388 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,800 - Didn't bother checking. - I'd kill her if I saw her again. 389 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,720 She once tried to flick ink on my Naf Naf jacket. 390 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,040 It backfired and she got herself in the face. 391 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,680 In the face? Interesting. Right, well, here we are, chez Josh. 392 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,800 - PHONE RINGS - Ah. Nice. 393 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,760 - Kate? - No, that's a different Kate. 394 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,200 She's a, er, unemployed graffiti artist. 395 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,960 So I just need to take this, I won't be a second. 396 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,680 Hey, Kate, how are things down at the wreck? 397 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,040 You got any, er, new sprays recently? 398 00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,480 What? 399 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,080 Look, Owen bought my mum a mix tape earlier. Now he's feeding her 400 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,320 champagne and telling her she looks like a woman ten years her junior. 401 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,240 Oh, come on, be serious. He's not actually trying to bang your mum. 402 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,560 I mean, think about it, can you actually imagine them having sex? 403 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,080 Mmm. 404 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,560 # Something tells me I'm into something good... # 405 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,280 Oh. my. God! 406 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,040 - It's easy. You're really on form! - THEY GIGGLE 407 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,600 Right, that's it. I'm bringing Mum home right now. 408 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,280 No, no, no, no, no! No, you can't do that, Kate? No! Kate? 409 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,440 Hello?! 410 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,320 Everything OK? 411 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,000 Yeah, she's just worried the rozzers have found her stencil. 412 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,040 So are we going in? 413 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,880 - I have lost my keys. - That's fine, let's just go back to mine. 414 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,280 Your dad's place? No, I can't because - umm, my inhaler's in there 415 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,400 and I can't go a night without it. 416 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,880 Inhaler? You are the gift that keeps on giving. 417 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,440 Hey, hang on. Um, what are these? 418 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,600 They're my car keys. 419 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,200 You've got a Chubb lock on your car? 420 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,840 - You can never be too safe. - Oh, God! 421 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,120 LAUGHTER 422 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,160 I think, I don't want you to get cold, 423 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,840 so maybe you should go home. Maybe we can meet up tomorrow night. 424 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,800 Er, OK. Dinner and then drinks at mine? 425 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,640 - Won't your dad be there? - Oh, don't worry. 426 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,320 - He'll be fast asleep by the time we get back. - Do you promise? 427 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,960 You are so pathetic. God, I want you to come back now. 428 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,680 LAUGHTER 429 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,240 - No, I can't. - Are you at least going 430 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,240 - to walk me home? - I'll walk you to a taxi rank. 431 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:26,880 - Have you got any money for the cab? - No. 432 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,080 Amazing! My Dad is going to hate this! 433 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,400 And then she was so turned on by the fact I didn't have the 434 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,000 money for a cab that she dragged me down an alleyway. 435 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,480 - And then just before we were about to get down to it... - No! 436 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,600 Sorry, just before we're about to get steamy... 437 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,120 - Even worse! - ..a policeman saw us. 438 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,480 He thought I was mugging her! I almost got arrested! 439 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,200 My God! If you can't have sex with Lily 440 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,080 while you're down an alleyway, then it's never going to happen. 441 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,840 - It's like her home turf. - Sadly, her home turf is her dad's house. 442 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,040 But tonight, we're going to wait till he's asleep, 443 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,440 we're going to sneak back there and finally I'm going to get my end away. 444 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,320 - Eurgh! I miss "steamy". - This is your fault. 445 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,680 I wouldn't be in this position 446 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,360 - if you hadn't come home so early! - Yeah. That didn't even help. 447 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,160 I was still up till about five worrying. 448 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,640 And then, and then, I had a nightmare that Owen and my mum 449 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,200 are playing Twister and Owen folded 450 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,840 the mat in half so it was more intimate. 451 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,800 Well, you don't need to worry, cos your future stepdad's out all day. 452 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,760 He's helping Geoff clean out his garage. 453 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,200 I'm too tired to even pretend that's an euphemism. 454 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,800 Oh, she's surfaced. 455 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,600 Mum, I can sleep until one o'clock if I want. It's my own home. 456 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,480 Well, technically you rent. And I chip in. 457 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,760 Now, you seem very stressed. 458 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,440 I mean, I do feel awful about tipping you out of your bedroom 459 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,920 and everything but I don't want you to come out in hives. 460 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,640 - Mum! I don't get hives. - Whatever. 461 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,680 Oh, do you know? I think I've got just the thing. Wait here. 462 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,080 I'd guess massage oils. If she hasn't already used them with Owen. 463 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,960 Why don't you go and fail to have sex down an alleyway, mate? 464 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,000 I keep telling you, Owen - lift from the knees. 465 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,760 Just as well I got you to sign that waiver. 466 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,040 Well, to be honest, Geoff, when you asked me to help, 467 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,040 - I assumed we'd be working together. - I told you about my bad back, Owen. 468 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,760 Why have you bought the new garage? 469 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:14,200 Closer to home. Look, sit down. Let's just cut the banter. 470 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,600 Sit down. Let's have a bit of man chat. 471 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,880 So... 472 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:25,480 Did, um, did the mechanic fit the spark plug last night? 473 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:31,960 Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm not sure? 474 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,400 Did the diplomat sign the treaty? 475 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,320 I don't understand? 476 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,160 You're going to force me to use vulgar words, aren't you? 477 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,600 Did you... "lie" with Judith last night? 478 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,160 What? No. Of course not! 479 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,960 Look, look, Owen, the thing is, right... 480 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,960 Actually, this is really uncomfortable. 481 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,560 - There's a reason they're designed like that. - Yeah. 482 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,280 The thing is, Owen, you're a young man. 483 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,400 You've got the pick of the orchard, so to say. 484 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:11,480 Whereas, my apple tree hasn't borne fruit for some time now. 485 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,960 Tell you what, I'm just going to 486 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,920 finish these last few boxes here, Geoff, 487 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,680 and then actually... 488 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,880 Is that the time? I've got to be somewhere as well. 489 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,440 Have you? Where have you got to be? 490 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,480 Wouldn't you like to know? 491 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,280 Unmistakable. Soap. 492 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,560 Ha-ha! Brilliant! 493 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,520 - You're not your mum! - Oh, my God! What are you doing here? 494 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:55,680 Visiting your mum. 495 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,440 Well, she's at home. Oh, you didn't think you were going to... 496 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,400 Oh, I don't want to think about it! 497 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:01,840 I am a red-blooded male, Kate. 498 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,120 Shut up! This is supposed to be relaxing. 499 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,920 I'm almost having a bubble bath with my landlord. 500 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,480 Why are you smiling? 501 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:12,720 I'm sitting on a jet. 502 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,040 God, get off the jet! 503 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:22,720 - Ah! - Oh right, I'm turning off the jets. Jesus! 504 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,760 - Aren't you supposed to be working with Owen? - I sent him home early. 505 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,480 But my mum's at home! And Josh is out with Lily. 506 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,920 Oh, that means my mum and Owen are at home alone together! 507 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,840 Oh, I see what's happened here. 508 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,400 The old "nothing untoward happened last night" trick. 509 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,360 Well played, maestro. I bow to your greater skills. 510 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,720 What is that supposed to mean? 511 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,400 Well, they're obviously having intercourse. 512 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,520 - Why? - This is not the time or the place. 513 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,000 - Shhh! - What? 514 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,400 What if your dad hears? 515 00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,640 Oh, is Joshy scared of Daddy? 516 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,400 I'm not scared, no, I'm not scared of him. 517 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,800 He can't hear anything. He's fast asleep with his earplugs in. 518 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,480 Hey dad! You prick! Wake up! 519 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,680 Dad! You total bell-end! You have a go. 520 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,840 Mr riley,you're a massive wanker! 521 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,240 All right, he's still my dad. 522 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,320 - Sorry, sorry, sorry. - I'm just joking! - Oh. 523 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,400 LAUGHTER 524 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,840 Hello? 525 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,800 You know, I never really thought I'd enjoy this, 526 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,480 but it is very satisfying. 527 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:35,040 Hello? Hello? It's me, Kate, your daughter! 528 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,840 I know what you're doing! I want you to stop right now! 529 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,360 Oh, darling, we've nearly finished. 530 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,920 Oh...sorry! 531 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,800 I thought... Actually, don't worry what I thought. 532 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,720 Just, er, carry on with the jigsaw. 533 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,760 - What did you think we were doing? - Oh, nothing, nothing! 534 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,040 There must've been something you wanted us to stop. 535 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,560 No, no, nothing, really. Nothing important. 536 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,680 Cup of tea, anyone? 537 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,600 Well, if you're making one, milk and one sugar for me, 538 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,280 milk and no sugar for Judith cos, umm, she's sweet enough already. 539 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,400 Cool, no sugar. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. 540 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,920 I'll use that mug you like, the one with the frog on it, 541 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,080 that we got in Bognor Regis 542 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,000 and you said it looked like me, but that's offensive, but it's fine. 543 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,160 Um, and I'll use the Welsh one for you, Owen, 544 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,760 cos you're Welsh and... Are you having sex with my mum?! 545 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,120 Sorry. No, no, I'm not sorry. I need to know. 546 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,280 Are you two having sex? 547 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:26,000 No, darling, this is a jigsaw. Did we never have that chat? 548 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,400 Good, good. Three teas coming up. 549 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,600 Get ready for tea! Tea time! 550 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,240 Why did you think we were having sex? 551 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,920 I don't know - the mix tape, 552 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,480 the mounting each other on the pool table, Geoff told me in a Jacuzzi... 553 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,880 What were you doing in a Jacuzzi with Geoff? 554 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,800 That's not the main issue here, Owen. 555 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,120 What, you thought that Owen and I...? 556 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,840 Don't, don't say it but yes, I did. 557 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,080 Sorry. I just... 558 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,040 No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry. 559 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,640 Don't be sorry. I'm flattered! 560 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:55,680 Really? 561 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,920 It's made my day. What a perfect birthday present! 562 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,440 Better than a Mulberry handbag? 563 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,280 Oh, darling, no comparison. 564 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:07,040 You thought that Owen would like to lie naked with me! Owen? 565 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,040 - Hello! - OK, let's not dwell on that, please. 566 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,000 Kate, stop being such a prude. 567 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,240 I mean, women don't just stop having sex at 40. 568 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,880 I think if anything, you become more sexually confident with age. 569 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,360 Don't you want your mum to enjoy her body? 570 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,160 No. I want her to enjoy her jigsaw. 571 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,080 Oh, darling, your sister would have let me. 572 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,360 Oh, my God. You're traumatising me right now. 573 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,200 - Jumped on it. - What? No, I haven't! - What? What? What have I said now? 574 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,280 - I would never get away with saying that to my parents. - Oh, yeah. 575 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,360 And then I told him about the cab and he was like proper furious. 576 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,120 Really went off on one. It was brilliant. 577 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,960 "Surely he had change on him? I mean he looks homeless." 578 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,640 Good one. 579 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,920 God, I would love it if you were homeless. 580 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,680 SHE GASPS 581 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,840 Just before we get down to it, I just need to go to the toilet. 582 00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:01,760 Get down to it? Oh - who even says that! 583 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,880 Yeah. Um, it's just across the hallway. 584 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,600 - I'll just be in here. - Oh, my God! 585 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:09,560 Unlucky, mate! I'm just about to have sex with your wayward daughter. 586 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,920 Oh, come on, these bloody light switches! 587 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,440 SWITCHES CLICK LOUDLY 588 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,520 # Get down, get down 589 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,880 # Get down, get down... # 590 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:38,920 Oh, good one! 591 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,560 You're going to love this. 592 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:43,800 - I put a pair of boxer shorts in the bed her mum slept in. - Oh! 593 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,080 Very funny. 594 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,960 Those weren't the ones I left there. 595 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,120 # Get down, get down 596 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:52,880 # Get down, get down 597 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,600 # Jungle boogie 598 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,440 - # Jungle boogie - Get it on 599 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,520 - # Jungle boogie - Get it on, yeah 600 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,280 - # Jungle boogie - Get it on 601 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,640 - # Jungle boogie - Get up with the boogie 602 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:23,840 # Jungle boogie... #