1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000 FIRE ALARM BEEPS Is that a false alarm? 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,320 Sorry, I set the smoke alarm off by mistake. 3 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,240 - At 7am! - Fire never sleeps! 4 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:09,960 - How did you do it?! - Toast probably. 5 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 As you're up, some builders want me to move the car. 6 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:14,360 Do you mind sitting in the passenger seat for me? 7 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,600 This needs to stop happening. Can you pass your test? 8 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,280 Look, when pedestrians stop stepping out, I'll stop failing. 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,200 - Come on. - All right, let's get this over with. 10 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,760 - Is that a lighter? - Yes. No. 11 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,880 If you can't park the car, at least turn the fans off. 12 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,320 They don't turn off. 13 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,280 They haven't since Dad punched the dashboard 14 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,400 when Neil Kinnock lost the '92 general election. 15 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,200 Just park the car! We should have parked in that space back there. 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,920 You know I'm better at the forwardy ones! 17 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,320 Fair play to that old lady. 18 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,800 How she spotted that gap, I will never know. 19 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,640 You got out to guide her in. 20 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,120 Yeah, and if we help one another, the world becomes a happier place. 21 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:02,040 Oh, piss off, Ghandi, you're trying to park a car, not liberate the Raj. 22 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,240 We've been going 45 minutes! 23 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,760 I didn't realise parking spaces would be at such a premium. 24 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:07,920 We're in London! 25 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,120 Actually, I'm not sure this still counts as London. 26 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,480 - Oh! - Right, here's the plan. 27 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,840 I know a great free parking space in Hendon. 28 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,840 We can just get the train back. It'll be fine. 29 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,240 Have you got a railcard? 30 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,200 Hey, whoa, whoa! What you doing?! 31 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,720 Ohh, steady on, Hulk Hogan, this is technically 32 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,320 a classic car! 33 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:26,040 Quentin Willson would cream his pants at this! 34 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,160 - LAUGHING: - Oh, look, it's the kid from The Snowman! 35 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,120 Walk of shame, is it, mate? 36 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,520 Walk of shame? How would that even work? 37 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,480 Who would go to a girl's house in their dressing gown and slippers? 38 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:44,920 Hugh Hefner. 39 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,320 A, he wouldn't need to, they all live in his mansion. 40 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,080 B, I didn't get up at 7am 41 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,600 to discuss the logistics of Hugh Hefner's love life. 42 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,240 C, I'm going inside. Good day. 43 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,640 Excuse me, are you all right? 44 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,000 I just saw you being bullied by those two workmen 45 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,560 and it was horrible to watch. 46 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,680 Oh, it was just banter, it was nothing personal. 47 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,000 No, it really was. 48 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,960 I hate bullying and you should be allowed to dress how you like. 49 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,520 I agree with you. But just to be clear, this isn't how I dress. 50 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,640 Well, I like it. 51 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,080 My favourite outfit. 52 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,600 And all this Hugh Hefner business. 53 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,160 I mean, it's just chauvinistic and crass. It's upsetting. 54 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,480 Do you know what I always say? 55 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,560 If we respect one another, the world becomes a happier place. 56 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,800 Golly. 57 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,880 - I'm Lucy. - I'm Josh. 58 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,960 Morning. 59 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,400 Where have you been? 60 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,960 Owen has just taken me to High Barnet. 61 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,400 Er, is that a euphemism or a birthday treat? Or both? 62 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,640 Actually, I've been thinking about your birthday. 63 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,000 Let's have a house party! 64 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,360 We are not having a house party. 65 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,280 I don't want people having sex in my bedroom. 66 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,840 - Yeah. The policy you've stuck to for the last year. - Good one. 67 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,360 But that is about to change 68 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,520 because I have just met my future wife! 69 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,360 Successfully wired the money to Russia? 70 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,320 No, it's a girl from upstairs called Lucy. 71 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,520 - We met in the hallway. - Oh, God, Lucy?! 72 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,080 Yeah, Lucy. She's amazing. 73 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,280 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's a goody-goody. 74 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,160 Kind of person who judges you for not giving half your salary 75 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,480 to a koala sanctuary. 76 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,920 What did she say to you? 77 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,840 She just said she liked my scarf but I knew what she was really saying. 78 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,040 Well, I like her. 79 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,680 - You have nothing in common. - We do. - She's all nicey-nicey 80 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,520 and you're the person who tried to get the Domino's delivery guy 81 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,160 fired for bringing the wrong dip. 82 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,400 Why would I want a barbecue dip with a barbecue pizza? 83 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,760 It makes no sense. 84 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,160 If you can't pick up the right dip, don't get on the moped. 85 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,400 - Such a nice guy. - I am a nice guy. 86 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,640 And all I've got to do is be a nice guy for the next 60 years, 87 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:39,320 and then me and Lucy can live happily ever after in our nice... 88 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,240 Where the shit is my shitting cake?! 89 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,240 Oh, yeah, you're right. You can be nice. 90 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,160 - Where is it? - Owen ate it last night. 91 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,360 Unbelievable. 92 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,840 It didn't have your name on it. 93 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,600 Yes, it did. It said, "Happy Birthday, Josh." 94 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,800 That was six quid, that cake! 95 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,680 Um, how do you know that? 96 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,320 Cos I bought it. 97 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,280 You bought yourself a birthday cake? 98 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,640 It was on offer. 99 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,280 What, and it just happened to say "Happy Birthday, Josh" on it? 100 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,960 No, I might have paid extra for that. 101 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,040 But it's my birthday! I deserve it! 102 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,240 That's the most tragic thing I've ever heard. 103 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,400 How is it tragic to give myself the birthday I want? 104 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,320 You know I've always had rubbish birthdays, 105 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,280 being pushed into doing what my parents want. 106 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,200 So you didn't ask for the 10cc tribute band at your ninth birthday? 107 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,920 Why would I have wanted 11cc? I wanted a bouncy castle. 108 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,360 And then I didn't want the stroll on my 10th birthday. 109 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,520 On my 13th, I didn't want to go to Debenhams... 110 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,520 Ohh, do you remember the Chelsea Flower Show? 111 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,440 What's wrong with the Chelsea Flower Show? 112 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,280 Oh, God, that was your idea, wasn't it? 113 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,480 Charlie Dimmock was doing a meet-and-greet. 114 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:34,720 It was an incredible day! 115 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,840 I really wanted that cake! DOORBELL RINGS 116 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,600 Well, you've only got yourself to blame. 117 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,840 The thing with Owen is you have to assert yourself. 118 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,440 It's the only way you can control him. 119 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:43,840 All right, Supernanny. 120 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,400 - Lucy! - Hey, Josh. This is for you. 121 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,840 Oh, thank you so much. Oh, you shouldn't have. 122 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:54,440 No, Josh, your post got muddled up with mine. 123 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:55,560 Ha! 124 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,280 - Golly. - Don't... - I'm... - No. 125 00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,520 Sorry, I feel awful now. 126 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,720 I should've got you something as soon as I realised. 127 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,680 - No, no, no. - I am so sorry! - Do not apologise. 128 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,720 - Your presence is enough of a present for me. - Bleurgh! 129 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,040 Got anything planned for the big day? 130 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,080 Well, my flatmate wants to have a house party. 131 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,800 Oh. I love house parties. 132 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,400 So we're having a house party! 133 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,000 Yes! Golly! 134 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,240 # Let's have a party. # 135 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,840 I just don't think it's going to work, Owen. 136 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,440 What are you on about? It's going to save British television. 137 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,880 You bring back Win, Lose Or Draw, presented by Danny Dyer, 138 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,400 but he's allowed to swear, including M, F and C words. 139 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,960 - How is the party coming along? - Oh, let me just check. 140 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,000 Have you heard my Win, Lose Or Draw idea? 141 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,480 Yes, Danny Dyer, you told me. 142 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,800 Ah, what?! 150 people not attending! 143 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,440 What is this, a protest? 144 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,320 Oh, my God. And look who is attending! 145 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,800 It's just me and you. This is so sad. 146 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,680 You've made a Facebook invite for our normal Monday night. 147 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,640 Won't this confuse Lucy? Aren't nice people supposed to have mates? 148 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,920 Yeah, she's not wrong. I went to a party at Ben Fogle's house once, 149 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,560 people were queueing down the street. 150 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,960 Owen, why aren't you attending? 151 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,240 You know me, I don't like to tie myself down. 152 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,560 If I really fancy it, I'll click "maybe attending". 153 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,520 You haven't clicked "maybe attending". 154 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:06,760 You do the math. 155 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,680 Let me have a look. OK. 156 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,960 "Hello. Welcome to my birthday invite page. 157 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,520 "Here you can find out all about my event." 158 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,320 - What, you've got it on the template setting. - No, I wrote that. 159 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,120 Oh, dear Lord. 160 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,920 "We expect to start around 8pm. 161 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,600 "Some drinks, nibbles..." Oh, my God... You've used clip art! 162 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,760 What is this, your GCSE coursework? Are you going to quote Encarta? 163 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,120 Do you want me to save the night, 164 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,880 sprinkle it with a bit of Owen stardust? 165 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,640 Definitely not. This is my party. You two stay out of it. 166 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,960 LAPTOP BEEPS Oh, first guest! 167 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,760 - Tom Gregory is attending! - Oooh! The only guest is Kate's ex. 168 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,880 - Yeah. - I'm going to upgrade to "maybe attending". 169 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,280 - Ho-ho-ho-ho ho! - He's more than welcome. 170 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,880 Kate. He was your first boyfriend and he dumped you. 171 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,440 It's fine to be a bit bitter. 172 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,280 I'm not bitter. Because he didn't dump me. 173 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,040 It was amicable. We weren't compatible. 174 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,040 - In that you liked him and he didn't like you? - No. 175 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,800 When he dumped you, didn't you throw his phone against the ground 176 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,640 - in a fit of blind rage? - No, that's not true. 177 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,520 He gave me his phone to call for a cab and it slipped out of my hand. 178 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,440 - It was a hot day. - No human being gets that clammy. 179 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,000 - I do! I'm a clammy person! - That's cos you'd just been dumped! 180 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,120 LAPTOP BEEPS Here we go, another one! 181 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,880 Oh, no. Tom's girlfriend Cath's attending. 182 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,680 Shotgun, I'm not talking to her. 183 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,240 Oh, she is so boring. 184 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,720 All she does is play YouTube videos on her phone. 185 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,040 Last time I met her, she played me four TED Talks on her phone. 186 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,560 - One was on the art of conversation. - Yes, I heard that one. 187 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,560 Well, I for one, can't wait to meet her. 188 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,400 I'm just glad Tom's found love. 189 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,600 Well, you keep telling yourself that. 190 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,440 LAPTOP BEEPS REPEATEDLY 191 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,960 Owen, who are all these people that are coming to the party? 192 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,520 - What the hell has happened? - I had to make a few changes, mate. 193 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,160 It's one of the most embarrassing invite pages I've ever seen. 194 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,000 Don't want it to go viral. Didn't want there 195 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,520 to be a BuzzFeed article about you. 196 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,200 Fancy dress?! I hate fancy dress! 197 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,160 I told you to stay off this thing. Why do you never listen to me? 198 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,160 I'm not a huge fan of fancy dress myself, 199 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,200 but, you know, desperate times and all that. 200 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,400 Just seen the page - fancy dress! Brilliant! 201 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,320 There isn't going to be a fancy dress party. 202 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,560 I am going to make the most incredible outfit. 203 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,360 It's going to be hip but biodegradable. 204 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,320 - And for those who fail to meet the remit... - Remit?! There won't be one. 205 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,560 - There's always a remit. - Yes, there's always a remit. 206 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,960 And for those who fail to meet it, 207 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,000 I'm going to have a box of approved costumes for people to change into. 208 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,560 But I don't like fancy dress. This isn't going to happen. 209 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,960 And, before you ask, the remit is 210 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,200 A, you've got to come in fancy dress. Obvs. 211 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,520 And B, none of that trying-to-look-sexy crap. 212 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,280 If you're going to come as a bunny rabbit, 213 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,240 it'd better be one riddled with myxomatosis. 214 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,200 - Oh. And food? - Obvs. Mini quiche, crisps in a bowl, and then... 215 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,960 - Bang! - MEXICAN ACCENT: - Hot quesadillas! 216 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,400 No, no, no. This isn't happening. 217 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,720 Oh, come on, Josh. This could be good for you. 218 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,280 - Does Lucy like fancy dress? - I don't know. 219 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,520 - Does she like quesadillas? - Maybe. 220 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,560 Wow, it's almost like you really don't know her. 221 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:43,040 Look, this is my party, and you two need to learn to stay out of it. 222 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,520 How do you spell quesadillas? 223 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,160 No, no, no! Stop this! 224 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,400 Yes, and that's why when you're making your own outfit, 225 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,200 you can never underestimate the versatility of the inner tube. 226 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,520 Have we got much further to go? 227 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,560 This is like an audience with Wayne Hemmingway. 228 00:08:58,560 --> 00:08:59,760 Don't worry, we're not far. 229 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,760 We can grab our costumes and then Kate can spend 230 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,240 the rest of the day making dungarees out of fuzzy felt. 231 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,440 Spending the day making an outfit from scratch is 232 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,360 one of the most satisfying things you can do. 233 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,360 You sound like a press release for a sweatshop. 234 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,160 I'm just saying if you make your own costume, it's impressive. 235 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,280 It says you're creative. 236 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,880 No, it doesn't. It says you've got too much time on your hands. 237 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,840 Yeah, and people already know that, Kate. You don't need to show them. 238 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,480 I thought you might give it a go, Owen. 239 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,160 No, I need to steer clear of adhesive. 240 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,920 I used to chew the glue sticks at school. 241 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,240 Made me go a bit weird. 242 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,600 What if I offer to help you make it? I am so talented. 243 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,600 When I went to my sister's birthday, I was dressed as a boom box 244 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,640 and it was so realistic that someone tried to put a tape in my mouth! 245 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,480 - Had you been talking to them about inner tubes? - Ha-ha. Good one(!) 246 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,760 Right. Art shop thataway. Don't mind if I do. 247 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,720 When you see me later this evening, you probably won't recognise me. 248 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,040 Oh, we'll definitely pretend we don't recognise you. 249 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,480 I wonder who she's going to go as? 250 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,120 Texas Pete from SuperTed. That's what I've heard. 251 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,360 I went to a fancy dress party as Mr Universe. 252 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,720 Pair of trunks, piece of piss. 253 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,480 I went to a fancy dress party as Adrian Moorhouse, the swimmer who 254 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,320 won gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Pair of trunks piece of piss. 255 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,240 - Is it always a pair of trunks? - Well, it's a nice pair of trunks. 256 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,680 My problem is it's just so humiliating. 257 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,360 Do we really have to do this? 258 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,080 Yes, the remit's very clear - no fancy dress, no entry. 259 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,360 - It's my party! - Yes, and if you wear fancy dress, you can come. 260 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,880 Oh, whoa, whoa. Check this out. 261 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,560 Hey? 262 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,120 Girls love a Viking. 263 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,760 - You need to brush up on your history, mate. - All right. 264 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,440 Did I tell you about the fancy dress party I went to in Cardiff 265 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,080 - and Tasmin Archer was there? - No. 266 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,280 Get this - she went dressed as the moonlit sky. 267 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,960 She kept getting people to say to her, 268 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,640 "But, Tasmin, that doesn't fit in with the theme of the party," 269 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,280 to which she'd reply, "Don't blame me for the moonlit sky." 270 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,320 - No, she didn't. - Yeah, you know, people laughed. 271 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,560 She'd gone to all that effort and it's Tasmin Archer. 272 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,280 That night though she slept in the bath. 273 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,760 I think she was going through a tough patch in her career. 274 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,360 Now 23 had slipped out of the charts which is inevitable. 275 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,840 Oh! Nelson Mandela? 276 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,200 I'm not going to black up. 277 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,880 No, you're right. It's too soon. 278 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,880 Ah! This is perfect! Native American. 279 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,880 Girls will think you're all nomadic. 280 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,840 I live in a flat share with a 12-month contract 281 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,600 - and no-break clause. - And? Just try it on. 282 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,640 - I'm not going to try it on. - Come on, it's perfect. 283 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,440 No, I'll just buy it and then we can go home. 284 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,640 You can't just buy it. At least try on the headdress. 285 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,920 Just leave me alone. You keep doing this to me, Owen. 286 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,840 Shove your headdress up your arse! 287 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,760 Lucy! 288 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,240 Hi, Josh. Wow, it's so lovely to see you. 289 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,440 So lovely to see you too! This is my friend, Owen. 290 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,320 - Oh! Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too. 291 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,840 So is this is where you work? 292 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,400 No, I work for Save the Children, this is where I volunteer. 293 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,520 Of course, of course. 294 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,480 I just think it's really important to look out 295 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,920 - for the vulnerable and the elderly. - Couldn't agree more. 296 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,000 As you say, "If we respect one another, 297 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,080 "the world becomes a happier place". 298 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,000 - Is that what you say, is it? - Yup. 299 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,720 - So, is this for the party? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah. 300 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,080 I had no idea it was fancy dress. I love fancy dress! 301 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,320 Oh, I love fancy dress too! We've got so much in common, haven't we? 302 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,200 I just love that these clothes were once someone's cherished 303 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,960 possessions. You know? 304 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,480 If these clothes could talk... 305 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:51,040 Yeah. They'd say, "Dry-clean me". 306 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,440 Oh, no, he's joking. You're joking, aren't you, Owen? 307 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,280 - Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm joking. I'm only pulling your leg. - Oh, right. 308 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,200 Oh, it's such an amazing shop. 309 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,720 It's like a museum of memories, isn't it? 310 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,800 Yeah. 311 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,520 You know, actually I really appreciate you guys shopping here. 312 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,920 You know, your money will go to such a good cause. 313 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,960 I think it's really important that we look out 314 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,120 for the elderly, you know? 315 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,320 I couldn't agree more. Do you know what I always say? 316 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,000 If we don't show love to the elderly, 317 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,920 how can we show love to ourselves? 318 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,240 (Jesus Christ.) 319 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,400 Wow. 320 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,000 Exactly! 321 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,320 Sorry, I'm a bit embarrassed. Just sometimes this really gets me. 322 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,920 No, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here. 323 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,040 SHE CRIES 324 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,480 DOORBELL RINGS 325 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,440 - Hi, Kate. - Geoff. You're early. 326 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,720 Just come for my monthly inspection of the smoke alarms. 327 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,360 - Geoff? - Yes? 328 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,200 Why are you in a banana suit? 329 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,040 - Oh, just been training for my fun run. - Dressed as a banana? 330 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,280 Yeah, well, you've got to replicate race conditions 331 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,440 so I've been on the treadmill down at the gym in my race outfit. 332 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,600 Wow. Did you get any funny looks? 333 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,720 I don't know, I've got tunnel vision. 334 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,680 So, why are you still wearing it? 335 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,840 Lost my locker key. There's no pocket in this outfit. 336 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,440 It's not as practical as it looks. 337 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:18,040 Anyway, on to the more important issue... 338 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,040 of your potential death 339 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,880 in the event of an out-of-control house fire. 340 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,320 Look, Geoff, I'm quite busy right now so could you just... 341 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,240 You know the drill, locate the nearest exit 342 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,560 and evacuate the premises immediately. 343 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,720 We don't want you being frazzled to death 344 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,560 because you wanted to see the end of Question of Sport, do we? 345 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,600 - Yes, very useful, Geoff. - Perfect. 346 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,400 - Geoff? - Guilty as charged. 347 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,880 It's the world's oldest banana. 348 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,520 - I didn't know you were coming to the birthday party? - Owen! 349 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,840 Party? I didn't know you were having a party. 350 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,240 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tonight. 351 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,280 Oh, well, in that case, happy birthday, Owen. 352 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,040 - Oh, no. - It's not his birthday, it's mine. 353 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,360 Well, then why is he doling out the invites? 354 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:54,440 Good question! 355 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,560 Er, it's fancy dress. 356 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,200 I shall have to have a root around. 357 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,160 See if I can find something to wear. 358 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,760 Where did you find all this stuff? 359 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:17,320 OK. Are you ready to see my incredible outfit? 360 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,600 Suppose so. 361 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,280 Ra-ta-ta! 362 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,360 Ha! I'm Guinness! 363 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,640 I can see that. 364 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,560 Think this should break the awkwardness? 365 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,800 Who with, Shane MacGowan? 366 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,760 No, you know how everyone's saying I'm bitter 367 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,000 about the break-up with Tom? 368 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,720 - Well, tonight, I'm not bitter, I'm Guinness! - Oh, God, no. 369 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,400 Which is the opposite of bitter. 370 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,720 Sorry, how do you see this playing out? 371 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,280 OK, sample conversation. 372 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,160 Tom - "Kate, are you bitter?" Kate - "No, I'm Guinness." 373 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,440 Tom - "Hold me." 374 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,600 Kate - "No, sorry, mate, don't see you that way". 375 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,720 How early did you start the drinking? 376 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,720 Hey, guys! Are you ready to be wowed? 377 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,360 - BOTH: - Yes! 378 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,280 - REDNECK ACCENT: - You're under arrest! 379 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,600 Oh! Don't you look...! 380 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,920 You need to get me some doughnuts and coffee, ma'am, 381 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,720 - I'm on a stakeout! - Oh, no, don't shoot! 382 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,040 What the hell are you doing? 383 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,240 - I'm a cop. - Yeah, no, I can see that. 384 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,040 But no, no, no. A minute ago, I was a noble Native American, 385 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,800 - now I'm one of the Village People. - Why have you come as one of them? 386 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,720 I haven't. You've made me into one. 387 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,320 You're going to need to get changed. What else have you got? 388 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,840 Erm... Yellow hard hat? 389 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,400 That's the same issue. 390 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,160 Oh, relax. It'll be all right. 391 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,640 No, but I have to try and seduce the love of my life 392 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,800 dressed as a member of one of the most iconic homosexual pop groups 393 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,040 - of the 20th century. - Oh, chill out. 394 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,080 No, you are going to need to wear something else. 395 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,280 Go get something from the emergency fancy dress box 396 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,440 - in Kate's room. - Why should I change? I look great. 397 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,000 - Why don't you get changed? - Cos I bought this from Lucy's shop 398 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,120 and she said the headdress brings out my eyes. 399 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,800 Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Boom! 400 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:45,920 Right. That is it. 401 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,120 First, there was the day trip to High Barnet. 402 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,760 Then you stole my cake. 403 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,000 Then you took over the party and invited Geoff. And now this. 404 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,000 Don't stand next to me tonight in case Lucy thinks that we're, 405 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,920 you know... In fact, do not talk to me at all tonight. 406 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,480 - Understand? - All right. Suit yourself. - Good. 407 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,640 Why have you come as a pint of bitter? 408 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,560 MUSIC: Raspberry Beret by Prince 409 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,760 DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it! 410 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,880 Hey, mate! 411 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,880 Hey, good to see you, Tom, Cath. Come on in. 412 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,440 - Hi! - Good to see you. - Nice outfits. 413 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,280 - Same, mate. - You too. 414 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,000 - How! - How? What? 415 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,160 Sorry. I thought that's what Native Americans do. 416 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,000 Oh, right, yeah. Or "stop decimating our culture"? 417 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,760 Oh, Lucy would have loved that. 418 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,200 - Tom! - Kate! 419 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,160 - Hi, nice to see you! - How you doing? 420 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,240 - Ah, sorry can't hug. - Hey! 421 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,920 - Cath, lovely to meet you. - And you! 422 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,360 Ahh. You're John Lennon? 423 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,880 Yeah, that's the idea, yeah, yeah. 424 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,560 - No-one's come as Mark Chapman. Shame. - Shame? 425 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,840 No, I didn't mean shame, I meant...it's fine! 426 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,920 - No-one's going to shoot you! - Great. 427 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,280 You're Yoko Ono? Of course you are. 428 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,800 What do you mean? 429 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,000 No, no, not because of how she was, because of... 430 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,720 - Cos he's, you know... - Because of the... 431 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,840 - I mean, having you been spending all week in bed together? - Sorry? 432 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:16,080 For peace. For peace, not sex! 433 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,480 - I mean, you're allowed to have sex, that's fine. - Thank you. 434 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,560 It's natural. Anyway, I am a Guinness. 435 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,600 - Yeah. - Cos...? 436 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,960 I'm not bitter. 437 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,760 OK. 438 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,520 Shall we get you a drink? 439 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,840 - Let's do that, yeah. - Yeah, go on through, guys. 440 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,160 Go and join the party. 441 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,360 See you in a minute. 442 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,160 DOORBELL RINGS 443 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,960 Geoff. You came. 444 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,280 - As an apple... - Bit of a squeeze. 445 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,280 - That Tube journey was a nightmare. - Hmm. 446 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,520 What have you come as? 447 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,000 Guinness. 448 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,800 OK, there you are. 449 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,840 One for you, and one for you. 450 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,880 Hang on a minute, I said no sexy. 451 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,280 Did you not read the remit? 452 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,120 - Can you please go and get changed? - Hi, Kate. 453 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,520 Hi, Cath! Hi. I'm so glad you're here. 454 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,560 - Me too. Great outfit. - Thank you. 455 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,080 Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock. 456 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,200 - LAUGHS: - Yeah, tick-tock tick-tock. 457 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,520 Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? 458 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,240 No, no idea. 459 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,640 The Guinness advert. With the horses. 460 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,760 Um? 461 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,560 - Oh, my God, you haven't seen it? - No. - OK. Give me a second. - OK. 462 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,480 - Just go onto YouTube. - OK. 463 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,000 - Go to my Favourites file. - Yeah, yeah. 464 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,520 Guinness advert. 465 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,000 There we go. 466 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,440 - Buffering. - Yeah. 467 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,520 Old Billy Buffer! 468 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,280 Old Billy's back in town. 469 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,480 - Are you staying for the whole party? - Of course. 470 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,760 Great news. 471 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,280 I developed this terrible flaky skin condition. 472 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,880 It was all over my hands 473 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:10,520 - and in the end I had to give up my job at the sandwich bar. - Mm. 474 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,880 Oh, you'll love this, Mr McCartney. 475 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,640 - Er, it's Lennon. - Guess who my favourite band is? 476 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,800 The Beatles? 477 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,320 No, it's the Corrs. 478 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,160 Although The Beatles would kind of work, they were signed to Apple. 479 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,720 No, it's The Corrs. 480 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,360 Anyhow... 481 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,240 I'm off to find the little apples' room. 482 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,120 Dispense a little cider. 483 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,440 Not to defecate. 484 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,760 - Come on, mate, bit of privacy. - Sorry. 485 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,120 Undignified. 486 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,440 MUSIC: Steal My Sunshine by Len 487 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,320 Oh, my God, Lucy, you came! Oh, you look great. 488 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,840 Thank you. I really adore cats. I've adopted two strays. 489 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,560 They're just so loving and so non-judgemental, you know? 490 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,040 If only humans were more like that. 491 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:07,200 No, no, no. Oi! 492 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,000 Bagpuss, none of that sexy crap. Get changed now! 493 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,720 I'm really sorry about my flatmate. 494 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,000 - She's joking, right? - Garfield! 495 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,520 Unless you want to lose one of your nine lives, find a new outfit! 496 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,040 You know what, Josh, this probably isn't for me. 497 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,480 I think I'm just going to leave. 498 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,560 No, no, no. Lucy, please. Can I explain? 499 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,360 It's a psychological condition. 500 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,480 She's got genuine anger issues. 501 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,520 I've kind of taken her under my wing. 502 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,200 To try and impart calm? 503 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,400 In many ways, she's my stray cat. 504 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,280 That's very sweet of you. 505 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,840 Look, there's a box of spare fancy dress costumes for people 506 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:39,920 that didn't bring any. 507 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,280 Can I go and get you one, for Kate's anxieties more than anything? 508 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,040 Well, seeing as it's you. 509 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,880 Thank you. I'll see you in a bit. 510 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,840 Because if you look, the building is still there. 511 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,600 And that's why 9/11 was an inside job. 512 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,000 Ah. That is genuinely fascinating. 513 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,200 If you think that's fascinating then... 514 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,360 Cath, I just need to swap my Spotify playlist from 515 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,400 Kate's Cool Cuts to Flavoursome Floor Fillers. 516 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,000 Oh, have you got that one that goes... 517 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,160 # Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh. # 518 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,080 - I can't remember what it's called. - Oh, well. 519 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,120 I'll Shazam it. 520 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,320 # Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh. 521 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,760 # Oh-chika-ow-chika, Oh-chika-ow-chika, uhh, chika... # 522 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,000 - Oh, sorry. - Owen? Owen, is that you? 523 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,760 Yeah, yeah. Is that Geoff? 524 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,120 Is my apple outfit out there? 525 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,800 Er, no, why would it be? 526 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,920 I had to get out of the apple to get into the toilet. 527 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,320 But when I came out, the apple was gone. 528 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,560 Er, sorry, Geoff. Is this is this a maths problem? 529 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,040 You've got to find it, Owen. I'm stuck in here in my pants. 530 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,400 Well, why can't you look for it? 531 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,280 I can't wander around the party in my pants! 532 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,040 Just say you've come as Adrian Moorhouse 533 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,320 at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. 534 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,000 - No, Owen! - Mr Universe? 535 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,200 I'm body-conscious, Owen. 536 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,400 - The media have given me unrealistic expectations. - Oh, OK. 537 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,520 You've got to find it. 538 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,960 You're looking for a Granny Smith, only bigger. 539 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,800 Right. 540 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,600 Much bigger. 541 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,440 OK. 542 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,200 They're just dying out 543 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,720 and nobody's doing anything about it. 544 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:26,760 Do you know what? 545 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,760 The real sting in the tail would be life without the British honeybee. 546 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,440 You're very sweet. 547 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,880 - Josh, Josh! Can I have a quick word? - Not now, not now, Owen. 548 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,480 - No, please, it'll take two minutes, please? - Not now. Not now. 549 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,040 - Can I have a quick word? It'll take ten seconds! - OK! OK! 550 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,480 I'll be back. Just hold that thought, I'll be back in a sec. 551 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,200 - Yeah, OK. Oh. - Oh, sorry. - Tight squeeze. 552 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,480 Owen, I was about to seal the deal then you come along 553 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,960 and ruin things for me again! 554 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,720 What is it now? You want me to find you a parking space in Aberdeen? 555 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,640 Listen, I was talking to Geoff. I don't know how it's happened but... 556 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,680 No, no. I've told you I am not talking to you tonight. OK? 557 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,400 - Oi! - SINGS: - Y-M-C-A! 558 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:02,680 Sweetcorn! 559 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,480 - That is exactly why. Now piss off. - All right. 560 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,920 Did you hear...did you hear it? Did you hear that? 561 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,080 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can hear the coughing. 562 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,200 They were right not to give him the million. Yeah. 563 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,080 - Exactly! Can I get a high five! - Yeah. 564 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,880 - Can I get a low five! - OK(!) 565 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:19,960 There you go. 566 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,560 Do you know what, Kate? This has been so nice to get to know you. 567 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,160 - Yeah. - Tom said that you'd really struggled with the break-up 568 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,680 but I think that it's great that we're getting on like this. 569 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,840 Yeah, well, cos I'm not... 570 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,360 OK. I'm going to zip to the loo but I must let you watch this. 571 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,720 It's a TED Talk on the art of conversation. 572 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,280 Conversation, yeah, thanks. 573 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,520 FIRE ALARM BEEPS 574 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,320 Oh, sh...! 575 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,480 Oh! 576 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,840 - SHE COUGHS - It's fine. Don't panic! 577 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,560 Don't panic, everyone, everything's under control! 578 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,680 - Don't worry, it's just the smoke alarm. - maybe we should do something. 579 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,680 - No, it's just Kate's quesadillas. - But she looks like she needs a hand. 580 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,000 No, no, no. She doesn't. 581 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,720 Listen, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. 582 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,000 FIRE ALARM CEASES 583 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,600 Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. 584 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,680 The reasons I want to be a UNICEF ambassador. 585 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,280 Oi, oi, the stripper's here! 586 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,600 Stripper? 587 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,160 Josh, I never thought you'd be the type to order a stripper. 588 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,160 No, no, I'm not the kind of... What? Oh, my God! 589 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,600 Can I start by reassuring everybody I am not a stripper, 590 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,080 I am just a man who is exciting calmly. 591 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:30,720 No, no, no, don't, Geoff, it's fine. 592 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,520 I just burnt the quesadillas. 593 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:33,880 Why are you dressed like that? 594 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,360 My costume's been stolen. There's a thief in the house. 595 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,600 - Oh, no. Wait, that's my costume! - There she is. 596 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,600 I didn't steal this. Josh gave it to me. 597 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,760 - No. Why would I...? - Did you take this man's costume 598 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,640 - and give it to me to wear? - Why would I do that? 599 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,880 For a cheap laugh, I expect. 600 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,120 Is that why you invited me here? Just to make fun of me? 601 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,200 I didn't invite you. 602 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,000 Oh, that's nice, isn't it? The last cut is the deepest. 603 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,480 You know, earlier he called me the world's oldest banana. 604 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,600 That is literally the cruellest thing I've ever heard. 605 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,120 Why would you taunt an old man with such confusing things? 606 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,560 What are you, a nasty bully? 607 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,840 No, no, I'm not! 608 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,360 Did you listen to the TED Talk? 609 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:11,360 Oh, yeah. Er, oh... Ow! Oh! 610 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,240 What the hell have you done to my phone?! 611 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,800 - Not again, Kate! - It was hot! 612 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,560 That's what you said last time! How the hell are you still bitter? 613 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,560 So, so bitter. 614 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,000 I am not bitter, I am a Guinness! 615 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,760 Why don't you watch a cocking YouTube video about it?! 616 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,000 It's OK. It's OK. I know what it's like. 617 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,960 My sister had a very similar condition. 618 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,840 - No, Lucy... - What do you mean "condition"? 619 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,680 Your anger. Josh told me that he needed to nurture you 620 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,480 because of your condition. 621 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,960 The only thing Josh is nurturing is a desire to 622 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,400 get into your ethically-sourced fair-trade knickers, 623 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,000 you simpering twat. 624 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,280 Incredible. You are just a house of bullies! 625 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:48,680 No, we're not! 626 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,400 I live here and I'm not a bully. 627 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,640 Right. Sorry, Owen. I shouldn't have said that. 628 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:53,840 I really like your costume. 629 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,520 Oh, thanks. I'm glad somebody does. 630 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:59,120 Josh wouldn't let us stand together in case we seem homosexual. 631 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,640 You're homophobic as well! 632 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,360 No, I'm not homophobic. I just didn't want to ruin my chances! 633 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,000 What chances? 634 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,720 With you. 635 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,120 Goodbye, Josh. 636 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,600 I will dry-clean this and return it. 637 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,880 She seems like a nice girl. 638 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,760 Oh, that was a real success. I really enjoyed that. 639 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,920 I should've gone to the Chelsea Flower Show. 640 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,280 Yeah, or Debenhams. 641 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,440 Anyway, goodnight, birthday boy. 642 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,080 Yeah. Happy birthday, mate. 643 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,320 Uh, yeah, oh, yeah. 644 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,360 Come on, mate, bit of privacy. 645 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,240 Owen, I'm coming in with you. 646 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,040 # I heard it from a friend 647 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,400 # The revolution never happened 648 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320 # Sigh A little die 649 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,640 # No more a child Goodbye 650 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,200 # Now where's the woollen sweater 651 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,920 # You mentioned in the letter? 652 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,160 # Imply The other guy 653 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,560 # And scandalise the lion. #