1 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,440 I just want a new number. I don't care about my Pac code, 2 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,320 I'm currently having to carry around two mobile phones. 3 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,360 I feel like Gordon Gekko. 4 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,560 The main character in Wall Street. 5 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,720 A dated reference! Are you kidding me?! 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,640 Right, what is your name? Your manager is going to hear about this. 7 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,240 Hello? Hello?! 8 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,360 Oh, you are such a telltale! 9 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,640 "What is your name? Your manager's going to hear about this." 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,520 I bet you were a grass at school, weren't you? 11 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,400 Always telling on people for taking the piss 12 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,280 out of your crappy football kit on mufti day. 13 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,080 I'm wearing this Plymouth shirt with pride, mate. 14 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,280 It's the first leg of the Football League Trophy 15 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,760 area final - Southern section. 16 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,400 Oh, my apologies. 17 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,480 I bet you were in the teacher's office every day, though, 18 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,440 weren't you, telling on someone? 19 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,800 Dobbing someone in for writing, 20 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,800 "Josh is pubeless," on the overhead projector. 21 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,280 No, I wasn't! I just made a list of the perpetrators 22 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,440 and gave it to the teacher at the end of the term. 23 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:57,480 Oh, my God! 24 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160 Look, I just wanted people to stop giving me atomic wedgies. 25 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,200 Did it work? 26 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,240 No. If anything, it made me more of a target. 27 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,560 I was getting through 20 gussets a term by the end. 28 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:06,960 Partly cos of the nerves. 29 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,280 Well, you haven't learnt from your own lessons, have you? 30 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,240 Society needs rules. Have you not seen Waterworld? 31 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,160 That's a bit of a dated reference. 32 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,760 Oh, sorry, do you want to talk to my manager? 33 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,840 You see, the thing about going to your sister's house 34 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,280 for a dinner party is what to wear. 35 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,600 I mean, do I dress to impress Karren Brady 36 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,720 or do I dress to impress Michael Gove? 37 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,920 How do you dress to impress Michael Gove? 38 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,400 I know, it's a nightmare. 39 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,960 I mean, I tend to gravitate towards Levi Roots. 40 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,280 Levi Roots? 41 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,800 To chat to. I don't wear a Rasta hat. 42 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,000 Well, anyway, Mum, I've actually got quite a big announcement to make. 43 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,680 Oh, God, you're pregnant, aren't you, from a one-night stand? 44 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,120 I knew this day would come. I was looking at you and thinking, 45 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,760 "Oh, she's let her gym membership lapse," but now it makes sense. 46 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,120 No, Mum, I'm not pregnant! 47 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,560 Oh. 48 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,880 Do you remember that photo I took 49 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,280 of the toad that looked like Craig Charles? 50 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,720 Yes, it was uncanny, wasn't it? 51 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,160 Well, I entered it into a National Geographic photography competition 52 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,760 and...turns out it was a catastrophically endangered species, 53 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,480 - and I won! - Oh, thank God! Because, 54 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,800 I tell you, the whole family had been convinced 55 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,840 your little photos would never pay off. 56 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,640 Oh, really? 57 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,320 Anyway, the award ceremony's next week. Can you come? 58 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,280 Yes, but first tonight, I'm going to take you for dinner. 59 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,400 Great! Then you can display my award here. 60 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,880 So people can see it when they come round for family gatherings. 61 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,880 Well, it's still a bit chocker there, isn't it, 62 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,440 with all your sister's art prizes? 63 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,080 - On the dresser, then. - Well, that's all her science prizes. 64 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,520 Ooh, what about the tallboy? 65 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,120 The one your sister carved? 66 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,800 They look exactly the same as when you checked them yesterday, Geoff. 67 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,760 So cynical. A lot can happen in 24 hours. 68 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,920 If I had £5,000 and a ticket to Bangkok, 69 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,040 I could be a woman by this time tomorrow. 70 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,080 - I'll chip in. - No deal. 71 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,760 Although I have never been to Thailand, but... 72 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,240 On balance, I would regret it in the end. 73 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,040 Do you think I'd need a new passport for the return journey? 74 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,640 It's another expense to factor in. 75 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,200 Geoff, why have you got to grow your tomatoes here? 76 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,040 We didn't sign up to be your greenhouse. 77 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,400 Check the small print. I never rented you the windowsills. 78 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,000 If I want to put tomatoes there, I will. 79 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,760 If I want to hang a provocative flag there, I will. 80 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,920 If I want to stand out there and contemplate ending it all, 81 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,080 technically you can't stop me. 82 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,280 Although, I'd hope you'd tell me I have a lot to live for. 83 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,640 You might mention how many properties I own. 84 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,920 That normally sorts me out. 85 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,120 Right. 86 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,920 Why don't you get an allotment, like every other old person? 87 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,040 I'm on a 25-year waiting list. 88 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,480 I can't wait that long. 89 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,760 Can you imagine the genetic modifications 90 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,760 that might have been created by then? 91 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,360 Have you seen the film Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes? 92 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,160 - No. - Don't. 93 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,320 It's a very unrealistic depiction of tomato growing. 94 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,120 Invaluable tip. Thank you. 95 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,800 Here we go, Owen, just one hour till kick-off 96 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,680 in England's fourth most important cup competition. 97 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,160 Excluding the play-offs. 98 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,760 Why are there bags in the hallway? 99 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,440 Joshie boy! 100 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,240 Phil, what are you doing here? 101 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,880 Nailing level two of GoldenEye, mate. 102 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,000 I haven't seen you since you came to my wedding. 103 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,400 Yeah, and I was arrested because 104 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,160 I didn't realise it was a sham marriage. 105 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,080 That's the one. Got to laugh, haven't ya? 106 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,720 - No, it was awful. - Yeah, but you've gotta laugh, haven't you? 107 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,280 Phil's brought an N64 with him. It's brilliant, isn't it? 108 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:23,200 I would pause it to chat, but that'd break the realism. 109 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:24,640 James Bond can't pause in real life. 110 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,440 James Bond isn't real. 111 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,600 Can't discuss that now, mate. It'd break the realism. 112 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,360 Actually, on that note, can we all stop talking? 113 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,240 Owen, can I have a word? 114 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,880 Yeah. 115 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,040 - This is unbelievable! - I know! GoldenEye! 116 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,560 He's got Diddy Kong Racing as well! 117 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,280 I don't care if he's got Mario Kart! 118 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,800 He hasn't, I've already asked. But I think Diddy Kong Racing's 119 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,280 actually better. You get to fly a plane on some levels. 120 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,520 That is not the point! 121 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,960 No, the point is, you've gotta defeat the intergalactic pig-wizard, 122 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,840 but for me, flying a plane was the highlight. 123 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,440 - What is he doing here? - Well, he's my cousin. He'll only be here 124 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,760 - a couple of nights. - You are kidding! 125 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,480 The first leg of the Football League Trophy area final 126 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,640 is on in under an hour. 127 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,760 Yes, I know, and we'll get to watch it together. 128 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,200 Presuming he's reached the relevant save-game checkpoint. 129 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,240 He has got to go. 130 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,240 I just want to relax in my own home. 131 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,280 I don't want to endure a staycation with...Nick Cotton. 132 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,080 Kate! 133 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,200 - Hello! - Hello. 134 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,360 Oh, Katie. 135 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,960 - Hello, darling. - Hi, Mumma. 136 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,640 Very proud of your award-winning photo. Very proud. 137 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,080 Ah...thanks, Mumma. 138 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,200 So proud. 139 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,800 Er... 140 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,440 Hello? 141 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,480 Oh, sorry, darling, this is my little award. 142 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,000 This is my new boyfriend, Paul. 143 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,920 - Oh. - Hello, Kate, lovely to meet you. 144 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,120 Mum! 145 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,520 - What? - You didn't tell me you had a new boyfriend. 146 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,520 Well, one of us has gotta have one. 147 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,720 We only met recently at the tennis club 148 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,080 and it was Terry and Sarah that introduced us, wasn't it? 149 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,720 And then challenged us to mixed doubles, 150 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,160 which we won because they're shit. 151 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,320 We hit it off immediately. 152 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,280 Well, Terry and Sarah always hit it off. 153 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,360 The court! 154 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,880 - Because they're shit! - Yeah! 155 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,760 I couldn't believe such a beautiful woman existed...and was single! 156 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,800 And I see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. 157 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,720 Well, she's single, if that's what you mean. 158 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,440 Cheers, Mum(!) 159 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,120 Paul's a hairdresser, darling. 160 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,280 He does all the big events. 161 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,320 Well, bits and bobs. Mainly bobs. 162 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,160 THEY LAUGH 163 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,000 Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party. 164 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,760 Oh, Judith, what are you like? Not again! 165 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,960 Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party! 166 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,160 All right, all right. 167 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,000 So, I was doing All Saints' hair 168 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,240 at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party. 169 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,120 Er, I plumped up Melanie Blatt's hair. Very Dallas. 170 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,520 Then she got it caught in Shaznay's brace during Lady Marmalade! 171 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,720 Oh, no! 172 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,880 Natalie Appleton punched him in the face. 173 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,960 Oh, God, they love this at the tennis club. 174 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,600 Yeah, well, that's not the best bit. For revenge I changed the name 175 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,400 in the envelope for Best Female Group. 176 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,680 To this day BWitched think they won it on merit! 177 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,480 - THEY LAUGH - Oh, my God! 178 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,440 That's the only bit of the story I don't like, 179 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,640 it makes you sound vindictive. 180 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,520 I like vindictive - I've seen ALL his movies! 181 00:06:58,520 --> 00:06:59,960 THEY LAUGH 182 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,120 Anyway, Kate, you must be so pleased, 183 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,280 taking an award-winning toad photo! 184 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,840 Yeah, actually, it's, erm... 185 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,040 Well, I think the toad should get all the credit. 186 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,640 I mean, it wasn't Kate that managed to look like Craig Charles. 187 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:11,640 Mum! 188 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,640 - Oh, is she always this hard on you? - Yeah, always. 189 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,960 - Not hard. I'm not hard. - You are. 190 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,280 I had a judgmental mother. When I went into hairdressing 191 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,120 she threatened to throw me and my Carmen rollers 192 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,800 - out onto the street. - Well, thank you very much, Billy Elliot. 193 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,840 Ooh, I am getting the hairdryer treatment! 194 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,560 - No. - It's normally the other way round. 195 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,600 Ha-ha... 196 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,120 On that subject, Kate, 197 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,880 why don't you come and visit me 198 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,160 in my salon before the award ceremony? 199 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,120 I will make you look incredible for your big day. 200 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,320 No charge, obviously. 201 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,560 Oh, my God, that would be fantastic! 202 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,000 No, darling, don't take advantage. You can't take advantage of that. 203 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,400 - Oh, and there she goes again. - He's offering. 204 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:42,520 Judge Judy. 205 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,120 Judge Judith. KATE LAUGHS 206 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,240 Which explains the wig! 207 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,520 - KATE AND PAUL LAUGH - That's good! 208 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,320 VIDEO GAME BEEPS 209 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,640 Look, come on, guys. It's almost kick-off! 210 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,440 The Plymouth players are probably already out on the pitch attempting keepy-uppies. 211 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,960 Football's crap, mate. All those Italian nancy boys 212 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,040 running around, falling over and crying. 213 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,040 Tell you want you want to get into - Ultimate Fighting Championship. 214 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,600 I've seen it. It's not my bag. 215 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,000 - You'd love it. - No, I've seen it. I hated it. 216 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,400 Yeah, but I reckon you'd love it. 217 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,080 I saw this 35-stone Japanese bloke 218 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,640 get his teeth knocked out in the first four seconds. 219 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,800 Bang! No more noodles for you, mate. 220 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,520 Noodles are famously soft. 221 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,960 - OK, then, no more spring rolls. - They're Chinese. 222 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,760 Look, the point is, someone fat got kicked in the face and I saw it. 223 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,360 That is great entertainment. 224 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,200 Owen, you want to watch the football, don't you? 225 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,880 Well, Phil's a guest, mate. I think we should be good hosts. 226 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,360 Anyway, it's not too bad a watch. 227 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,880 If you squint your eyes, it's like you're really there. 228 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,320 Also, I've got a cheat that turns all the enemy soldiers into 229 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,640 - women in bikinis. Want to see? - No, I'm all right, cheers. 230 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,840 Well, that's given me a bit of a squint, I can tell you. 231 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,520 But seriously, guys, you know how much this means to me! 232 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,000 - You need to chill out, mate. - Yes. 233 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,400 Actually, I know this guy who sells some really great weed. 234 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,480 - Want me to get you some? - Absolutely not. 235 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,120 He grows it all himself with these hydroponic lamps. 236 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,320 His loft is more overgrown than a '70s muff. 237 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,080 Right, just going to pause it there. Need to hit the bog. 238 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,280 I thought James Bond couldn't pause real life. 239 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,560 Even James Bond needs to take a shit. 240 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,720 In fact, my mate says there's this deleted scene 241 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,480 where he takes a dump in Oddjob's hat. 242 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,200 And, yes, Oddjob doesn't know and puts it back on again. 243 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,800 Classic Bond! 244 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,440 This is not on. He can stay tonight. He is going tomorrow. 245 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,200 - Well, that's not going to happen. - Why not? 246 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,560 - Cos he's told the police he lives here. - Why would he do that?! 247 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,480 Because that's how probation works. 248 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,360 I can't live like this. Phil is taking over the flat! 249 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,960 Well, why don't you stand up to him, then? He's an ex-con. 250 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,440 They only understand tough love. 251 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,760 All right, Trisha(!) 252 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,440 Shall I just give him a tennis ball and lock him in the airing cupboard? 253 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,160 No, I think he's drying his weed in there. 254 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,000 - DOORBELL - I'll get it! 255 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,520 - Anyway, I HAVE tried standing up to him! - Hiding your Branston pickle 256 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,080 - in the loft space doesn't count. - How did you know? 257 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,960 Oh, no-one needs to "stretch their legs" three times 258 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,240 during a ploughman's. 259 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,080 Monty Don's here. 260 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,720 - Where?! - No, I was referring to you, Geoff. 261 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,840 Save your flattery for the tomatoes, Owen. 262 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:19,600 Mother Nature has spoken and she says the tomatoes are ready! 263 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,080 Is that it? 264 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,840 A month of growing, all for... five tomatoes? 265 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,240 Admittedly, a disappointing yield. I blame the lack of sunlight. 266 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,760 You know, sometimes I wish this flat was on the beachfront in Barbados. 267 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,480 But then this is so much more handy for the Londis. 268 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,880 You know, I bet you can get a can of Lilt quicker here than they can. 269 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,440 Swings and roundabouts. 270 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:39,920 Right, time for the taste test. 271 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,880 Drumroll, please! 272 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,600 HE PRETENDS TO DRUMROLL 273 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,360 Mm! 274 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,480 Mm! Do you know what? 275 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,400 It is a pity there's so few of these, 276 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,640 because the flavour really is intense. 277 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,280 Here, open your mouth, I'll give you a surprise. 278 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,880 Like being back in prison. 279 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,520 Who was that? 280 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,560 Oh, that's just Phil. It's fine. He's a friend. 281 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,200 I hope you guys aren't subletting, because if you are, he'll be out 282 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,680 - on his ear. - Actually... - He's just staying for a few nights. It's fine, 283 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,840 he's a friend, Geoff. It's nothing to worry about. 284 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,200 He seemed very at home. 285 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600 Yeah, you're telling me! That was my milk. And my towel. 286 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,120 Was it your skid mark? 287 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,720 No, that was all his own work. 288 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:29,600 Katie. 289 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,400 Mum! You not with Paul? 290 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,120 No, you must have realised yesterday 291 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,120 that Paul is a dreadful, dreadful person. 292 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,440 What?! No! We were getting on great! 293 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,120 He was being so nice about my award, 294 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,280 I accidentally called him Dad at one point. 295 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,720 It was like that time in GCSE Physics all over again. 296 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,040 - He criticised my parenting. - Yeah. Do you think that's why 297 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,400 I confused him with Dad? 298 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,720 Well, the similarity doesn't end there, because I'm dumping him. 299 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,320 Ah, really? 300 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:52,760 I need some advice. 301 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,640 And I thought, "Well, who's an expert on relationships ending?" 302 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,400 My Katie. Now, what do I do? Cos I haven't dumped anybody for 30 years. 303 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,560 What about Dad? 304 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,520 Well, that was easy - because of the pregnant PA. 305 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,040 - Oh, right. - I'm worried what people at the tennis club'll think. 306 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,240 I mean, Terry and Sarah already don't like me, 307 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,720 but I suppose they're always grumpy 308 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,040 - because they're shit at tennis. - Who are Terry and Sarah? 309 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,920 Names you will never hear past the qualifying rounds, 310 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,200 let me tell you that! 311 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,120 Now, what do I do? Am I honest with him? 312 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,360 Absolutely not. 313 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,920 Rule number one, never tell the truth. OK? The main thing is 314 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,800 to blame external factors, you know. 315 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,080 Say something like, "I've got a job abroad, I can't get over my ex, 316 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,880 "I don't want to date someone with a fructose intolerance." You know, 317 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,680 I've heard them all and they all work. 318 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,840 You're not fructose intolerant, are you? 319 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,600 No, but by the time I googled it, he'd already left. 320 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,480 - Oh. - Oh, that's another rule - get it over with quickly. 321 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,000 Like pulling off a plaster. 322 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,480 - That's good! - Yeah. 323 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,400 That's very good. Yes, absolutely right. Well done, you. 324 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,360 Yes. Do it now. 325 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,760 - Yep. - I shall do it. 326 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,440 I don't want those people at the tennis club 327 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,520 thinking I'm just some kind of freeloader, you know, 328 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,240 that's just in it for the free haircuts. 329 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,960 Oh, oh, no. Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum! 330 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,840 - What? - Stop, stop, stop, stop! 331 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,440 I forgot. The one rule is to always do it in person. 332 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,000 OK? That's the only way you can guarantee that you won't be seen 333 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,400 as a horrible freeloader. 334 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,880 - Oh, no. - When are you next seeing him? 335 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,160 Tomorrow afternoon. 336 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,760 Yeah, that works. Face-to-face. 337 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,040 Yeah, Paul would only ever do it face-to-face. 338 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,720 - That was one of the problems. - Mum, stop! 339 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,800 You'd think being a hairdresser, he'd have more imagination. 340 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,600 "Do you never want to see the back of my head, Paul?" 341 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,240 No, we only do that with a mirror, apparently. 342 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,160 - Oh, Mum, please! End. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 343 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,360 HAIRDRYER WHIRS 344 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,000 HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING 345 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,560 HAIRDRYER WHIRS 346 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,400 HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING 347 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,520 HAIRDRYER WHIRS What are you doing? 348 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,680 Just drying my socks. 349 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,960 Little life hack for ya. 350 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,640 I warm everything up before I put it on. 351 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,000 You wouldn't want to see me before protected sex. 352 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,360 HAIRDRYER WHIRS 353 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,160 HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING 354 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,040 HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS 355 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,000 HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS 356 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,120 HAIRDRYER WHIRS 357 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,440 - Do you have to do that here?! - Not many left, mate! 358 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,040 What are you, a millipede? 359 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,520 No, I went down for bigamy! 360 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,480 What are you doing, your taxes? 361 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,480 - Yes. - Why bother? 362 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,760 They'll never catch you. They don't know what they're doing. 363 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,880 You've just come out of prison! 364 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,200 Pret A Manger? Oh, la-di-da. 365 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,000 Someone's doing all right for themselves. 366 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,880 French restaurants, two phones... 367 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,480 I've got a problem with my Pac code. 368 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,120 Course you have, mate. Don't worry, I won't tell the feds, 369 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,480 cos I'm not a snitch. 370 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,880 You're not a snitch, are you, Josh? 371 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:25,960 No. 372 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,400 Cos you know what we did to snitches in prison, don't ya? 373 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,720 What? 374 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,800 I can't tell ya, because I hate snitching. 375 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880 Oh, for God's sake. 376 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,840 - Hands in the air, freeze! - No, I'm not playing that. 377 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,880 HAIRDRYER WHIRS No, get off! Not my receipts! 378 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,080 - Oh, it's getting a bit blowy... - Not my receipts! 379 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,840 - Oh, no, what a shame! - I've been working on them all morning! 380 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,840 And can you please stop drinking my beer?! 381 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,920 That's not your beer, mate. 382 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,320 What? 383 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,480 It used to be. 384 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,400 Usual combination. Ultimate Fighting Championship on TV 385 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,520 and me needing a piss. 386 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,320 I know what you're thinking. 387 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,560 How did he fill it exactly to the top? 388 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,640 No. 389 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,920 I didn't. 390 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,680 My Pilgrim Pete mug! 391 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,560 Thirsty work being a mascot, eh? 392 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,880 HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Geoff. 393 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,960 Morning, Mother. I had two poached eggs and a slice of granary bread. 394 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,160 Speak to you after lunch. 395 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,640 No... 396 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,840 DEEP VOICE: No, this is not your mother. 397 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,480 - Right, who is it, then? - I am anonymous. 398 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,600 What, the activists with the masks? 399 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,520 Have you hacked my cloud? Is this about my holiday photos? 400 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:30,920 I thought it was a nudist beach! 401 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,680 No, this is not about that. 402 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,080 I can still hear the screaming. 403 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,360 Listen, I have terrible news. Brace yourself. 404 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,240 I'm a grown-up, I can take it. How bad can it be? 405 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:45,240 A man called Phil is subletting your flat at 7 Belmont Gardens. 406 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,920 Hello? Geoff? Are you there? 407 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,200 Sorry. I almost fainted. Do you mind if we take a minute, 408 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,680 so I can put my head between my legs? 409 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,040 Look, he is not paying any rent and he is sleeping on the sofa 410 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,760 against the tenants' wishes. 411 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,680 I'll get on it right away. 412 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,160 Subletting, the worst of all crimes. 413 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,520 Now, what you need to do... 414 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,680 HE HANGS UP 415 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,440 Hello? 416 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:09,680 IN NORMAL VOICE: Hello? 417 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,720 Right you, out. Your days of reckless subletting are over. 418 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,760 I was only crashing for a couple of nights. 419 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,000 Not according to a little bird 420 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,800 who called me anonymously from a phone box. 421 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,840 And just to clear up any confusion, it wasn't actually a bird. 422 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,560 Yeah, I got that. Just let me get my stuff together, I'll be out 423 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,120 - of your hair. - Well, chop chop. - OK. 424 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,640 Just...do me a favour. 425 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,120 If you see whoever grew those incredible tomatoes, 426 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,520 congratulate them from me. 427 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,680 Well, well, that was me, but... 428 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,920 You're Geoff Jeffries? 429 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,760 Yes. 430 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,120 The tomato whisperer? 431 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,720 Is that what they call me? 432 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:50,920 They should do. 433 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,040 That sweet, sweet smell sent me to another world. 434 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,040 At night I dreamt I was being pureed. 435 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,960 Oh...that is nice to hear. 436 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,640 You were clearly born with green fingers. 437 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,360 I...I was, actually. 438 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,560 Septicaemia. The midwife... 439 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,920 What would you say if I was to tell you I could increase 440 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,680 your tomato yield by 3 to 10,000% per annum? 441 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,080 I'm all ears. 442 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,160 Didn't know you grew corn as well. 443 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:18,840 Eh? 444 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,560 Ears of corn. 445 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,840 Oh! 446 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:22,920 Yeah! 447 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,480 - Yeah, so... - That's wonderful! 448 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,520 With my know-how and your instinctive feel for veg, 449 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,640 we could turn your tomato business into a tomato empire. 450 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,480 We could call it Tomato Towers. 451 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,640 You're the boss. The uniforms could be red! 452 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,400 The door handles could be big tomatoes. 453 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,240 Even the toilets could be tomato shaped! 454 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,440 Er, no, I'm not sure I'd like that. 455 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,000 So, the big night! Congratulations again. 456 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,440 What was your category? 457 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,840 Er, Countryside At Play. 458 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,960 I'm surprised I won, actually. It was such a strong field. 459 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,200 Ironically! 460 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,280 Er... 461 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,600 Of course! 462 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,080 Can I use that when I accept my award? 463 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,720 Be my guest. Who else was nominated? 464 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,200 Er, field mouse in a Wellington boot, 465 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,040 pig looking at a sunset, 466 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,280 sheepdog closing a gate, 467 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,320 eagle eating a scone 468 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,920 and shepherd crying after sending his flock to abattoir. 469 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,920 Ah, but do any of them look like Craig Charles? 470 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,520 - No. - No. 471 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,960 So, what are we thinking? 472 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,200 Erm...I just really want to stand out at the awards. 473 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,560 Something a little more urban? 474 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,160 Yes, that sounds 100% me! 475 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,560 Something cutting edge. 476 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,880 Exactly! 477 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,120 Are you familiar with Rachel from Friends? 478 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,360 VIDEO GAME BEEPS 479 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,560 Good afternoon, gentlemen. 480 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,320 Joshie boy! 481 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,920 Phil, still here? 482 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,360 Only just. Apparently, some jobsworth tipped off your landlord 483 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,600 about me staying here. 484 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,360 And not in a "there's a legend in your flat and he's got an N64, 485 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,920 "so you might want to pop round and bring your Rumble Pak" 486 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,040 - sort of way. - Oh, deary me. 487 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,680 No, he came over here like he owned the place. 488 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,640 Banging on about subletting, saying it's against the law. 489 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,160 What kind of bureaucratic telltale knob cheese 490 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,400 dobs someone in for subletting? 491 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,760 Any idea who that might have been, Josh? 492 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,960 Nope. 493 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,240 Pity, though, isn't it? Because I'd have had you stay forever, 494 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,920 but the law's the law. So when are you off? 495 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,240 I'm not. 496 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,840 What? 497 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,040 Me and the Geoffster got on like a house on fire. Bosom buddies. 498 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,480 By which I mean I showed him the GoldenEye cheat with the bikinis. 499 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,160 To cut a long story short, he says I can stay here indefinitely. 500 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,400 He said that? 501 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,360 And this is the best bit. 502 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,440 He reckons he can put a little dividing wall up in here. 503 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,160 I can have my own room. 504 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,640 Really? 505 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,440 Police, please. 506 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,920 Yeah, could you put me through to the drug squad? 507 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,280 I'd like to report a drug crime. 508 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:52,680 Do I just say it now? 509 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:58,240 OK, there is a man in my flat and he is smoking cannabis. 510 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,680 Well, what if I told you he's on probation? 511 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,920 Yeah, great, right, now, he is in 7 Belmont Gardens 512 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,880 and he is smoking some pretty sizeable doobies. 513 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,040 D-O-O-B-I... 514 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,800 Oh, sorry, B-E-L-M-O-N-T 515 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,000 Gardens. 516 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,280 A dealer? 517 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:24,840 Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, I heard him mention Mexico and grab bags. 518 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,360 Baggies, that's it! Yep, baggies. 519 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,920 ..which is ironic, 520 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:33,000 seeing as this is a competition full of so many, many fields. 521 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,440 As in the ones you get on farms. 522 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,240 I don't think you're going to need to explain it like that. 523 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,480 I'll gauge it on the night. 524 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,520 Do you know, you have a very similar wave in your hair to your mum? 525 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,400 Oh, yeah? You're seeing her tonight, aren't you? Say hi from me. 526 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,560 No. We were going to, but I didn't want to risk cutting into your time, 527 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,120 so we met this morning instead. 528 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,360 Such a pity what happened. 529 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,760 You're cooked. Back in a tick. 530 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,400 Mum? 531 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,560 - Hello, darling. - Please tell me you haven't broken up with Paul already? 532 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,880 Yeah, I did it this morning. Gave him the big heave-ho. 533 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,880 Did it as you told me to do, face-to-face. 534 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,720 - Oh, sweet Jesus! - Well, I followed your advice to a T, 535 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,080 but, actually, it seemed to make him angrier, if anything. 536 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,480 Wait, what do you mean, my advice? 537 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,360 I did what you said. I blamed outside factors. 538 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,120 I told him you didn't like him and I couldn't have 539 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,360 a relationship with someone you weren't comfortable with. 540 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:26,040 Why the hell...?! Why the hell would you do that? 541 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,880 Because that's what you wanted me to do. 542 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,680 I...I didn't want him thinking 543 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,040 that I was only in it for the haircuts, 544 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,960 and the "difficult daughter" line was perfect. 545 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,240 I thought you'd be pleased. 546 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,560 Right, then, Kate. 547 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,120 Now that the dye's taken hold, 548 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,520 let's get cracking with the thinning shears. 549 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,720 VIDEO GAME BEEPS 550 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,200 Phil, get out. I want to watch TV. 551 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,960 Bloody hell! 552 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,200 All right, Pokemon! 553 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,040 Aren't you meant to be going to an awards ceremony? 554 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,040 Yes. It's tonight. 555 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,720 What's it for? Shittest hair? 556 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,360 Oh, you can talk, Mr...Shit Moustache! 557 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,120 Mr Shit Moustache? 558 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,960 Oh, it's for shittest banter! 559 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,720 Out! Now! 560 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,440 Why don't you go and do a lap of the park? 561 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,120 - Try and come up with another zinger. - I'm not going anywhere. 562 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,040 Suit yourself, Rosie and Jim! 563 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,120 - Out! - Look, just grab a beer and chillax. 564 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,080 Oh! Oh, maybe I will. 565 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,280 That's not beer! 566 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,240 - GAME STOPS - Shove this stupid Nintendo up your arse! 567 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,000 Argh! 568 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,400 Hello? 569 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,400 Hello? Phil? 570 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,120 Oh, thank you, God! 571 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,120 Ah... 572 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,840 - TV: - ..today. And this one really is the big one. 573 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,120 The Football League Trophy area final - 574 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,120 Southern section - second leg... 575 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,440 Oh, unlucky, Philly boy! The one that got away. 576 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:13,920 Oh, go on, then. 577 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:18,080 Steve Claridge, what chance of an upset do you think here today? 578 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,600 COUGHS 579 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,080 DOORBELL 580 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,960 Yep, coming! Just coming! 581 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:31,760 Hi, can I help you? 582 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,040 Hello, sir, we're just responding to a call we received. 583 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,920 Ah, you don't need to worry about that. 584 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,280 I'm afraid, sir, we have to respond to these things. 585 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:39,760 Do you mind if we come in? 586 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,680 Oh, well, I'm just watching Plymouth Argyle 587 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,840 in the Football League Trophy area final second leg. 588 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,320 Plymouth are 3-0 down. It's a dead rubber. 589 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,200 We just need to come in and have a look around. 590 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,240 We've had a report that somebody's dealing drugs 591 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,800 in breach of their probation order. 592 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,680 Ah, now, that was my flatmate's cousin, but he's gone now. 593 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,600 - We're still going to have to check. - Why? 594 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,800 You could be protecting him. 595 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,600 I'm not harbouring a fugitive! 596 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,400 This isn't the Ecuadorian embassy! 597 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,560 We've had a call, sir. We've got no choice. 598 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,480 Look, I'll be honest with you. It was me. 599 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:08,720 What, you're the drug dealer? 600 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,720 No! It was me that made the call, but I was wrong. 601 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,960 Now, I appreciate you responding so quickly, 602 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,400 but everything is fine here. 603 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,400 I'm afraid it isn't as easy as that, sir. 604 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,960 We're still going to need to come in and take a look around. 605 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440 Presumably you're fine with this as somebody with nothing to hide? 606 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,320 Yeah, of course. 607 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,720 Hanson, wait here. 608 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,520 You all right there, sir? 609 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,600 Yeah. 610 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,400 You seem a bit stressed. 611 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,520 No, not at all. Everything's fine. 612 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,200 Would you care to explain this? 613 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,840 Er, that doesn't belong to me. 614 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,240 That belongs to the man who was sleeping on my sofa. 615 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,920 The man who's sleeping on your sofa? 616 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,000 Yeah, but he's gone now. I don't know where. 617 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,080 But it's still alight. 618 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,400 Yeah, I was burning it to get rid of it! 619 00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,560 Of course you were(!) 620 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,000 Yeah, we're a perfectly normal, straight household! 621 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,040 We're not into any of those drug-style things! 622 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:05,120 DOOR OPENS 623 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,040 She doesn't normally look like that! 624 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,720 - Only when she's high? - No, she isn't high! 625 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,800 Look, let me phone my flatmate. He will explain. It was his cousin. 626 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,880 Please don't make any calls at this moment, sir. 627 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,280 It will clear things up. 628 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,560 Oh, that's the wrong one. 629 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:25,920 Right, here we go. 630 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,160 You've got two phones? 631 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,320 Yeah... No, not like that! 632 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,320 No, I've got a problem with my Pac code. 633 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400 I'm not in The Wire. This isn't a burner. 634 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,560 Of course it isn't, sir(!) 635 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,320 No, look, I'm not a drug dealer! 636 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,000 It was one spliff and it isn't even mine! 637 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,480 Joshua, we're in for a bumper crop this year! 638 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,960 Oh, hello, officers. 639 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,240 Is that a hydroponic lamp? 640 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,200 This isn't what it looks like. 641 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:54,000 # If you wanna have a good time... # 642 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,200 Oh, God! 643 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,920 I am so sorry, Pilgrim Pete! 644 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,240 Oh, God! 645 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,000 Ultimate Fighting Championship has got a lot to answer for! 646 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,200 # I know, I know, I know where it's at 647 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,640 # If you wanna have a good time 648 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,400 # I know where it's at 649 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,600 # If you know you've got something on your mind 650 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,960 # I know where it's at 651 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,000 # If you know that you wanna get on down 652 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,840 # I know where it's at 653 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,920 # Don't deny, don't be shy Just come around 654 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,240 # I know, I know, I know where it's at 655 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,160 # If you wanna have a good time... #