1 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,440 I can't believe they didn't go with the European plug adaptor stuff. 2 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,600 I mean, I've got six, but I can't find any of them. That's good stuff. 3 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,720 Yes, but they looked like the kind of audience who holiday in the UK, 4 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,040 - so... - What a gig. Smashed it. 5 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,160 Yeah, well done. 6 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,720 - Died on your arse. - I was there. 7 00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,800 Unlike most of the audience, by the time you'd finished! 8 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,560 Yes, good one(!) 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,240 Oh, such a pity there was that reviewer in. 10 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,880 Yeah, but how many people read the Evening Standard? 11 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,320 - About 1.58 million. - Oh. 12 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,080 And they'll put it online. 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,440 Trouble with an online review is, they hang around for ever. 14 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:46,280 In a million years, right, there will be humans with gills going, 15 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,600 "Josh must have been really shit at comedy." 16 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,160 KEVIN LAUGHS Yes, good one. 17 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,440 Anyway, good to see you, guys. 18 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,320 I'm going to go and, erm, talk to some fans. 19 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,920 Oh. See you later. 20 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,040 Who actually does that? 21 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:02,640 Not you in the last six months. 22 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,120 Cheers, mate. Can we just go? 23 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,480 - Yes. - I want to get home. 24 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,240 Sorry, I just wanted to say, I loved your stuff on Fruit Corners. 25 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:09,680 Oh, really? 26 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,240 "I want breakfast, not an origami lesson!" 27 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,000 It's like you were reading my thoughts. 28 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,720 I've actually got more Muller stuff I didn't even get to. 29 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,880 Oh, really? 30 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,120 Yeah, like, what is going on with Crunch Corners? 31 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,400 What are those little balls? 32 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,760 What am I trying to do, trip up a burglar in Home Alone? 33 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,520 - WOMAN LAUGHS - Well, I thought you were funny, even if the others didn't. 34 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,720 - Thank you. - Oh, are you going? 35 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,680 No, no, my shoulder's just under the air-conditioning unit, 36 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:32,880 so I'm keeping it warm. 37 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,360 Oh, good, I was hoping to buy you a drink. 38 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,440 - Yeah. - Yeah? 39 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,120 Yeah, of course, yeah. 40 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,960 I can't believe someone that attractive hit on me. 41 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,120 I feel like Seal. 42 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,320 Maybe I should try being a shit stand-up comic. 43 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,000 Who knew that is what girls are into? 44 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,240 She is so far out of my league. 45 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,560 Mate, no disrespect, but if you were a football club, you'd have to close most of the ground, 46 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,360 because it wouldn't reach the division's health and safety requirements. 47 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,000 That's what I was thinking, I'd be playing with a greatly reduced gate. 48 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,440 Please don't mess this up for us. 49 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,640 What do you mean, for us? 50 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,400 Think about the friends she's going to have. 51 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,760 Attractive people hang out with attractive people. 52 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:11,960 They hunt in packs. 53 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,320 If you pull this off, I'll have the keys to the city, 54 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,840 - I'll be like Ian McShane in Bury. - What? 55 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,440 They gave him the freedom of the city, he can go anywhere he likes. 56 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,880 I think it's a mainly ceremonial thing. 57 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,000 No, my auntie lives there. 58 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,040 If he knocks on the door, you've got to let him in. 59 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,840 He's always rocking up on a Sunday lunchtime, 60 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,560 trying to get a free Sunday roast. 61 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,520 Thing is, he's not very good company. 62 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,240 He will not talk about Lovejoy and he will not let you try on that leather jacket. 63 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,200 Josh, was your gig at the Chuckle Bucket last night? 64 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,760 Yeah, are you googling for the review? 65 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,640 Erm, you tanked and someone wrote about it. 66 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,680 - Of course I'm going to look it up. - How bad is it? 67 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,880 No review as yet, but amazing news, 68 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,560 someone has written a blog about your gig. 69 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,360 - Oh, God. - Josh... 70 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,280 I think you might have a date with Miss Naughty of North London. 71 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:55,320 What? 72 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:59,440 Miss Naughty of North London writes, "Last night, I found myself at the Chuckle Bucket 73 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,760 "comedy club on the hunt for a man who could make me laugh. 74 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,800 "After a year of going for obviously hot guys, 75 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,520 "it's time to try something different 76 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,720 "and see if I can be laughed into bed. 77 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,280 "So I ended up giving my number to a comedian." 78 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,320 This is incredible! 79 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,440 You have a date with a sex blogger. 80 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,560 Of course, this makes perfect sense. 81 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,800 She's just using you as her next subject. 82 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,600 - No, that's not true. - She's good, though, you never would've known. - No, she liked me. 83 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,840 That's why she gave me her number and bought me a drink. 84 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,760 Oh, that explains the D minus she gave you for chivalry. 85 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,560 - D minus?! - Is she marking him? 86 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,440 - Yeah. - Let's have a look. 87 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,000 Starting scores alongside the D minus for chivalry. 88 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,080 - C for dress sense, E for face. - E for face?! 89 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:41,320 E for face, what a kick in the knackers. 90 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,800 Or is it your face? I can't tell. 91 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,520 Still, C for dress sense. I mean, that's a pass. 92 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,680 Four more of those and you can go through to sixth form. 93 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,760 TV IS ON 94 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,160 DOORBELL RINGS 95 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,320 Oh, Geoff, look, I'm just in the middle of something. 96 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,120 I bet you are and I bet it's costing me money. 97 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,440 Dearie me, what is this? Times Square? 98 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,040 - You don't have to have it all on. - Stop. 99 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,320 It's like Dixons in here. 100 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,600 Look at it, everything. 101 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,600 Your use of amenities is out of control. 102 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,720 I bet you've had a bath today, haven't you? 103 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,280 Er, well, yes, actually I have. 104 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,520 When I was your age, I used to wash twice a week, and that was in the sink. 105 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,920 How small were you? 106 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,120 If you're single, why are you washing anyway? 107 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,240 It's one of the great benefits of a life alone. 108 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,440 That and a bed to spread out in, 109 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,080 one less funeral to organise. 110 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,280 And on Valentine's Day, it's really easy to get a table for one. 111 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:42,680 February 14th, 8pm, Geoff wants to go to La Tasca, no problem. 112 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,200 Table facing the wall? 113 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,760 That'll do nicely. Do I need a menu? 114 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,640 No, thanks, I'll have what I have every year. 115 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,920 - Are you done? - No. To sum up, stop bathing. 116 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,840 I've been bathing since I moved in here, why do you suddenly care now? 117 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,560 I'm in a financial hole, Kate. 118 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,880 It's not just you. 119 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,760 The cost of the upkeep of these buildings is going through the roof. 120 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,200 Ironically. 121 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,280 Well, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried. 122 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,200 People keep fixing things and I keep having to pick up my share of the bill. 123 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,560 It's not like I live here. 124 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,400 Why should I care if the asbestos stays or goes? 125 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:16,320 - Surely there's a residents' association. Can't you complain to them? - Oh, yeah, I'm a member. 126 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,200 I'm just not getting my motions through. 127 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,520 Have you tried a strong coffee? 128 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,320 Again, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried. 129 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,320 Actually, if you're going soon, could you ask about fixing the lift? 130 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,240 What, and be lumbered with more costs? Absolutely not. 131 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,680 But it's ruining my life. 132 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,240 I have to go up three flights of stairs every time I come home. 133 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,840 Is that why you're bathing so much? 134 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,440 Can I come and ask about it? 135 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,240 If you think you can handle life on the political ladder. 136 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,800 You're not on the political ladder. 137 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,400 I am, and it's very high pressure. 138 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,680 Today I may be settling a dispute with residents' parking. 139 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,560 Tomorrow I could be carpet-bombing the Middle East. 140 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,080 Geoff... 141 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,120 STUMBLING 142 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,520 - GEOFF: - Oh! I'm fine. 143 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,880 All right, mate? 144 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,200 What do you want? 145 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,040 I want to talk about your date. 146 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,560 Oh, I'm probably going to cancel. 147 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,760 I don't want someone grading my conversation and wit. 148 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,880 I wouldn't read the Evening Standard today, then. 149 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,560 - Oh, God. - Although, if you want to, Kate's got six copies. 150 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,600 She's heading back to the Circle line now, 151 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,160 - see if there are any more lying around. - Oh, great(!) - Listen, 152 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,920 I don't want you to cancel this date, OK? 153 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,600 Cos it is a brilliant opportunity. 154 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:22,200 - How? - You've been on her blog, it's like reading a manual to her romantic life. 155 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,640 All of her past dates are there, her likes, her dislikes. 156 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,080 All you've got to do is take this information and create the perfect date, 157 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,840 ignoring the fact that you'll be there. 158 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,000 So what do I do? 159 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,960 Well, where would you normally take a date? 160 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,560 Tenpin bowling? 161 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:35,840 Are you joking? 162 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,120 No, it's a good date. 163 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,720 You've got the physical contact of both holding the same ball, 164 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,280 you could put flirty names into the scoreboard. 165 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,000 You can see her feet without shoes on. 166 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,800 Seriously, that is a terrible idea. 167 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,680 You need to read her blog posts from the dates she had with, 168 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,760 I think it was Nile in 2014. 169 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,240 She got her watch caught in the ball dispensing machine. 170 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,520 It's left her with a pathological fear of them. 171 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,480 She says that every time she closes her eyes, 172 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,040 she can see the next ball spinning towards her in the darkness. 173 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,240 So where do I take her, then? 174 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,440 I've had a look at the blog, here's the itinerary. It's a "best of", if you will. 175 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:08,880 Dinner at Lanzini's, window seat - Steve, 2015. 176 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,520 Then, one pudding, two spoons - Ian, 2014. 177 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,280 After that, a romantic stroll along the river where you open up about something 178 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,840 deeply personal, that was Pablo in February. After that... 179 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:19,960 Lean in for the kiss. 180 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,600 No, you pay for her Uber home, executive class. 181 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,200 - Executive class? - Yeah, you get a free bottle of water, 182 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,360 you get to play your Spotify through the car speakers. 183 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,680 Like on a private jet? 184 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,120 It's better than a private jet, mate. On a private jet 185 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,400 you've got to turn off your Bluetooth. Trust me. 186 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,560 Erm, is it just the two of us? 187 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,880 No, we're early. 188 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:40,920 Oh, good. 189 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,600 There'll be three of us when Giles arrives. 190 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,840 Sorry I'm late, I've just been for a meeting at the ACTUAL council. 191 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,360 And yes, I have managed to get that local youth choir closed down, so there will be 192 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,760 no more tone-deaf children having loud fun around here. 193 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,520 I see we have a new addition to the war room. 194 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,320 Erm, yes, hi, I'm Kate. 195 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,480 Sorry... I'm here to talk about the broken lift. 196 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,000 Oh, you sound like absolutely fascinating company. 197 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,240 Which flat do you live in? 198 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,880 - Seven. - Great. 199 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,960 Remind me to never pop round for a coffee. 200 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,000 Can't risk the combination of your conversation and a third-floor window. 201 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:21,320 So, item one, I have a creaky front door. 202 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,400 I suggest that we get me a new one, with a nice window in it. 203 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,240 Why does it have to have a window? 204 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,440 So if she comes to visit, I know to hide! 205 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:34,040 Yeah, but surely that's a personal expense, it's not a building cost. 206 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,120 Geoff, do you want me to not get a new door 207 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,280 and then annoy all my neighbours with constant creaking? 208 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,040 IMITATES CREAKING DOOR 209 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,520 GILES CONTINUES TO CREAK 210 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,800 OK, we get it! 211 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,800 So, all those in favour of me getting a new door? 212 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,160 All those against? 213 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,480 - New door granted. - What? 214 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,760 Motion passed by chairman's prerogative. 215 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,680 See article 19, subsection D of the residents' association charter 216 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,680 as amended for 2016. 217 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,720 What the hell? You can't just ignore us. 218 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,000 Item two. 219 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:17,000 Yet another energy saving suggestion from our very own Captain Planet, 220 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,800 Geoff Jeffries. 221 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,400 - Yeah. - CLEARS THROAT 222 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:27,200 Lady and gentleman, the timed light switch that guides you down the hallway 223 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,400 stays on for 15 seconds, which means that every time you turn it on, 224 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,800 a polar bear dies. 225 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,200 Now, I can't prove that, but you can't disprove it. 226 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,040 So I propose cutting the pop-out time to one second, 227 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:44,720 thus saving the Arctic/Antarctic, whichever it is, 228 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,240 and £28 per annum. 229 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,520 Sorry, how are we supposed to get down the hallway in one second? 230 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:54,640 Although she is clearly an idiot, in this particular instance she speaks sense. 231 00:09:54,640 --> 00:10:00,360 Well, what you need to do is turn the light on, look at what's in the corridor, 232 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,680 commit it to memory and go for it. 233 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:06,240 Let's conduct a simple experiment. 234 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,320 Oh, somebody's been to Ryman's. 235 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,680 It's Staples, actually. 236 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:11,920 Kate. 237 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,720 Look at this picture. 238 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,800 You ready? 239 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,040 Yeah. 240 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,320 Did you see any hazards? 241 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,200 Was that a wolf on the left? 242 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,880 Exactly! 243 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,720 So now you know to walk on the right-hand side of the corridor. 244 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:35,800 And remember, the wolf is more afraid of you than you are of him. 245 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,320 Thank you. 246 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,680 Why would there be a wolf? 247 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,240 Well, cos someone left the door open. 248 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,760 Firstly, I think we can all agree that a better comment would have been, 249 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,280 "Because somebody failed to keep the wolf from the door." 250 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,160 Secondly, what an absurd idea. Motion dismissed. 251 00:10:55,160 --> 00:11:00,600 Right, AOB, by which I don't mean, annoying old bastard. 252 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,040 Geoff's already had his say! 253 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,760 So any other business? 254 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,120 Yeah, like I said, the lift needs fixing. 255 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,600 - No. - Why not? 256 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,800 I live on the ground floor. Dismissed. 257 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,000 Yeah, I've been on some awful dates. 258 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,760 - Yeah, I know. - What? 259 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,680 I mean, we all have, haven't we? 260 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,160 - SHE LAUGHS - Yeah, right. 261 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,800 Every bad date makes a good story, though. 262 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,440 Yeah, of course it does, yeah. 263 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,920 Last Valentine's, I went on a blind date with a market trader. 264 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,440 He took me to a chain restaurant and then spent ten minutes trying to haggle down 265 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,520 - the price of bruschetta. - Oh, my God! 266 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,800 What kind of grade would you have given that date? 267 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,400 Teachers don't grade everything, Josh! 268 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,720 - No, of course, sorry. - I'd have given it an F. 269 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,680 I hope I've done better than that tonight. 270 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,480 Tonight has been quite the opposite. 271 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:45,880 Lanzini's was incredible. 272 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,920 And then this. 273 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,480 Amy, can I share something with you? 274 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,760 Another pudding? 275 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,520 No, something personal. 276 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,680 Just wanted to tell you that I'm... 277 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,280 ..asthmatic. 278 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,280 OK. 279 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,400 It hasn't always made my life easy. 280 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,920 I remember when I was a kid and some kids teased me, because I wheezed 281 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,520 through the minute's silence for Princess Diana. 282 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,240 But I try not to let it hold me back. 283 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,520 Last year, I did a charity 10k. 284 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:18,000 I beat Louise Redknapp. 285 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,920 - Oh! - To be fair, she was dressed as a lung. 286 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,880 I've never told anyone that before. 287 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,040 I mean, about the asthma, not about Louise Redknapp. 288 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,760 Well, we've both got to be up early. 289 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,480 Do we? 290 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,200 I know you do. 291 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,120 Shall I get you an Uber? 292 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,360 There you go. Oh, look, executive class. 293 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,640 Oh, you don't have to do that. 294 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,880 - Have you got Spotify on your phone? - Yeah. 295 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,760 You can thank me later. 296 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,480 Giles is awful. 297 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,040 I mean, that meeting was unbearable. 298 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,760 One of the better ones, actually, Kate. 299 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,680 Better? It was like being on Kim Jong-un's cabinet. 300 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,240 I mean, he's probably outside now playing basketball with Dennis Rodman. 301 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,680 No, he won't be, he's enforced a "no ball games" rule. 302 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,440 Confiscated my Hacky Sack. 303 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,000 Isn't even a ball. 304 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,320 I just made it move like one. 305 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,800 Right, OK. 306 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,800 Erm... Well, anyway, I've been looking into it and as members 307 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,080 of the residents' association, we have the power 308 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,840 to call a vote of no-confidence in Giles. 309 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,400 I mean, do you know what that means? 310 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,160 - Vaguely. - Basically, it means... 311 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,880 A vote of no confidence will trigger an extraordinary general meeting 312 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,040 - and a subsequent vote on leadership. - Right, so... 313 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,160 The following vote will then be counted at 1900 hours, 314 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,440 - all in attendance will be nominated. - Yeah... 315 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:42,160 The motion will be conducted in accordance with a single transferable vote system, 316 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,920 so that if there's no overall winner after the first ballot, 317 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,600 second preference votes will then be counted. 318 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,040 Something like that? 319 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,320 Erm, yeah, yeah. Something like that. 320 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,120 So if we vote together, we can get rid of Giles. 321 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,280 As a duo, I could help you to power. 322 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,280 I could be the Brown to your Blair. 323 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,000 The Osborne to your Cameron. 324 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,480 - Balls to my Miliband. - Yeah, if you like. 325 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,840 Balls! 326 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,200 I mean, his name is Balls. 327 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,920 Can't believe nobody ever noticed that! 328 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,840 Do you know Tony Robinson once tricked the Time Team into digging him 329 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:22,040 a new fish pond by claiming he had found a Roman goblet in his flowerbed? 330 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,760 JOSH: Oh, my God, guys, you're not going to believe this. 331 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,760 The plan literally couldn't have gone any better. 332 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,160 She just texted me to say riding in an Uber executive made her feel 333 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,120 like a soap star. A soap star! 334 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,360 I made her feel like Pam St Clement. 335 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:37,720 Thank you, Owen. 336 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,400 All part of the service, Josh. 337 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,560 Did you see what she wrote on her blog this morning? 338 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,360 "He's coming around tomorrow, we'll see how things develop." 339 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,040 Winky face, winky face. 340 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,240 We all know where this is going. 341 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,920 60 seconds of heavy breathing, followed by an hour of apologies? 342 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,080 OWEN LAUGHS 343 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,240 You can say what you want, mate, I know what I'm doing. 344 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,520 - Brilliant, look forward to reading about it. - What? 345 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,880 On Miss Naughty of North London. I was reading it yesterday. 346 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,240 Have you actually read back through her sexual conquests? 347 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,600 She doesn't review that, does she? 348 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,600 It's a sex blog, that's why people read it. 349 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,080 Owen, why didn't you tell me? 350 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,520 I didn't want to get in your head. 351 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,760 You tend to panic when you know the reviewers are in. 352 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,200 Oh, God, is she harsh? 353 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,840 Probably best to ask Ian "Tiny Dick" Richards. 354 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,400 She named and shamed? 355 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,200 She's not necessarily going to give you a bad review, is she? 356 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,680 "But it was his pitiful body that disappointed most. 357 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,960 "He was as scrawny as a whippet. 358 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,520 "But the real letdown was when he decided to WHIP IT out." 359 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:27,600 Clever. 360 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,240 "Where's the Hubble telescope when you need it? 361 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,160 "Sex grade, G minus." 362 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,200 That's not even a grade. 363 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,320 What am I going to do? 364 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,200 The way I see it is, you have two options. 365 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,480 Either you have sex with her and you're publicly humiliated online, 366 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,000 or you miss your one chance to sleep with a beautiful woman. 367 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,080 Or he has sex with her and she has a great time. 368 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,640 BOTH: No. 369 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,720 Listen, you can't pull the plug at this late stage. 370 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,280 You're so close, you'll regret it for ever. Let me help you. 371 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,560 How? 372 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,080 Welcome to possibility number three. 373 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,120 Right, take your top off. 374 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,320 - What? - Come on, top off, chop chop. 375 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,960 No, what is this, Hollyoaks Late? 376 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,080 Listen, if I'm going to help you get a good review, 377 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,600 I need to see what I'm working with. 378 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:06,720 Top off, please. 379 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,120 Good, that's better. 380 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,960 Right, this is just a simple physical examination. 381 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,600 This is a safe space. 382 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,720 Whoa! What the bloody hell is that?! 383 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,960 - What? - That weird indentation. 384 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,040 Was your father an egg cup? 385 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,800 No, I've got a pectus excavatum. I've just got a slightly sunken sternum. 386 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,440 - What can we do about it? - We don't need to do anything about it. 387 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,040 It just gives my chest character. 388 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,120 Character? Looks like someone's carried out a controlled explosion. 389 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,440 Hold on. 390 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,280 I can hear the sea. 391 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,960 Well, I suppose I could try and suck it out with a Henry Hoover. 392 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,760 Neither me nor Henry wants that. 393 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,960 - Bit of Polyfilla? - Leave me alone. 394 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,520 I can try and work round it, mate, but I'm sure the review won't. 395 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,760 Just so you know, I'm already disappointed in you. 396 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,200 Hello, madam, I'm from the residents' association. 397 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,560 I was wondering if I can count on your vote this upcoming election? 398 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,800 (It's me. Let me in.) 399 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,160 What are you doing? 400 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,520 Just canvassing for votes around the building. Acting natural. 401 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,440 Not letting Giles know our little coup is already in action. 402 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,640 Of course. Just to check, Geoff. If I do this for you, 403 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,400 you are going to fix the lift, aren't you? 404 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,280 Getting the lift working is an aim of my tenure. 405 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,520 Sorry, is that a yes or a no? 406 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,840 It is a yes. In that, in an ideal world, 407 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,040 I want the lift to work as much as anyone. 408 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,040 Sorry, yes or no, Geoff? 409 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:25,200 Kate, I have many hopes for my premiership and getting the lift working 410 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,720 is certainly one of them. 411 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,240 Right. 412 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,640 Great, so I'll see you at the vote? 413 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,520 - Mm. - Remember, you're my Balls! 414 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,200 That's still funny! 415 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,120 - It's not... - Scratching my Balls! 416 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,240 - He's called Balls! - OK, please leave. 417 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,280 OK. 418 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,280 DOORBELL RINGS Oh, my God. 419 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,120 Yes, I get it, his name is Balls. 420 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,520 - Oh. - Good afternoon, Kate. 421 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,920 I'm going to cut to the chase, I need your help. 422 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,280 I'm not going to help you burn down an orphanage, Giles. 423 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,400 Don't worry, Kate, I'd never ask you to do that. 424 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,040 Burn it down, they only rebuild it. 425 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,000 Get them with the correct red tape, it'll stay shut for ever. 426 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,360 I'm joking. Kind of. 427 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,360 Now, I'm sure you've heard that Geoff has put in this tedious little meeting 428 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:07,840 to vote in a new leader. 429 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,840 - I need you to vote for me. - No chance. 430 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,080 - Vote for me, I will get that lift fixed within 48 hours. - No. 431 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,200 - 46? - No. 432 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,600 - 44? - No. 433 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,000 43? 434 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,480 43...? 435 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,000 Now, the body can change dramatically in just 24 hours. 436 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,480 Think of this as the day before a boxing weigh-in, OK? 437 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,960 I want to get you down to your dating weight. 438 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,000 I'm quite slim. 439 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,680 Not as slim as you would be under peak dehydration. 440 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,000 And did you know, the body is 75% water? 441 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,080 I think that's bananas. 442 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,800 That's not bananas, that is true. 443 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,600 Anyway, I can get you cracking with a quick boxing drill. 444 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,280 I want to see you sweat, I want you like a rich American housewife. 445 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,920 - What? - Ready to spar. 446 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,000 - That is not good enough. - Fair enough. 447 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,560 Anyway, hands in front of your face, on your toes like a boxer. 448 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,040 - Oh, your shoelaces are undone. - Is it? 449 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,120 - Ow! - Unbelievable. Come on, concentrate. 450 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,080 - Oldest trick in the book. - Can you please not do that? - Yes, fine, OK. 451 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,160 - Oddly, the other one has come undone. - Has it? 452 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,560 - Ow! - I can't believe it, this is astonishing. Come on, man, what is wrong with you? 453 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,640 Seriously, Owen, these shoes undo very easily. 454 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,760 I've got wide feet, which means short bows. 455 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,640 Wide feet! Bloody hell, is there any part of you that's normal? 456 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,360 You're like a misshapen biscuit. 457 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,280 - Although they are short bows. - They are... 458 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,840 - Ow! - Unbelievable. 459 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,520 Come on, these are old, old tricks. 460 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,120 What is wrong with you, man? 461 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,880 - Your shoelaces. - Yes, good one. 462 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,320 No, seriously, mate, you might trip. 463 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,440 All joking apart. 464 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:28,080 Imagine if you fell over, it'd be awful. That is too dangerous. We can't carry on. 465 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,960 What, honestly? 466 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,760 Honestly. 467 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,840 You are such an idiot. 468 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,720 I just don't see why we both need to be topless. 469 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,160 Josh, chances are you're going to encounter naked flesh, 470 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,120 so I need to know that you're not going to be so intimidated that you can't speak. 471 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,640 Just go with me on this one. 472 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:49,680 OK. 473 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,520 Obviously in an ideal world, I'd be wearing fake breasts, but life 474 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,120 - doesn't always give you what you need. - Very deep. 475 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,640 A bit like your chest. 476 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,240 Now, Miss Naughty of North London finds confidence sexy, 477 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,400 so everything you say must be confident and sexy. 478 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,440 Don't doubt yourself. 479 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,560 Be like Sergey Bubka. 480 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,200 Who is Sergey Bubka? 481 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,160 Oh, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s. 482 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,920 But now the time has come for you to dominate with your... 483 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,040 - Yes, I get it. - OK. 484 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,360 So one last time, for me. 485 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,760 Would you like a glass of wine? 486 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:17,840 I want more than that. 487 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,240 Very nice. Would you like me to take your coat? 488 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,040 Yeah, and you can take my shirt as well. 489 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,240 Oh, lovely. Classic Bubka. 490 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,920 How about this one, then? What would you like to watch? 491 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,560 You, taking your clothes off. 492 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,040 Yes, please. 493 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,600 Are you sure you don't want a drink? 494 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,280 No, I'm off the liquids. 495 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,480 OK. 496 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,360 Books. 497 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,520 Classic English teacher. I'm really a frustrated writer. 498 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,360 Right, so, what kind of stuff do you write? 499 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,440 Put it this way, nothing I'd want the kids at school to read. 500 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,920 Still, it's better than sitting around watching television. 501 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,520 I'd like to watch you... 502 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,280 Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that. 503 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,280 So, what have you been up to today? 504 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,200 - Just wading through some marking. - Of course. 505 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,960 I feel like I spend my life grading people. 506 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,480 - Are you marking this? - Oh, yeah! 507 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,240 What would you give it, a B minus? I'd take a C, I'm not greedy. 508 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,880 You know what? 509 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,080 I think you're more confident than you let on. 510 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,680 So, how was that? 511 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,960 - Sorry? - Like, what grade would you give that? Was that a pass? 512 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,240 A...C minus. But we can work on it. 513 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,680 I can up my game, it was a first attempt. 514 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,320 Josh, I was joking. 515 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,120 Are you OK? 516 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,160 Yes, I'm just a bit stressed. 517 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,360 This isn't meant to be stressful. 518 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,800 You don't seem very in the moment. 519 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,680 I am in the moment, I just want the moment to be right. 520 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:05,080 Oh... Oh, are you new at this sort of thing? 521 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,840 No, no, I'm not a virgin, no. 522 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,560 Quite the opposite, I've been compared to Sergey Bubka. 523 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,800 The meerkat? 524 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,880 No, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s. 525 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,280 The meerkat? 526 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,280 No, I'm just worried that you're judging me. 527 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,440 I'm not. I'm kissing you. 528 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,320 Of course, of course. 529 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,800 Sorry. Sorry. 530 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,920 Look, I think we should just take a breather. 531 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,880 I want to go and check on the food. 532 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,640 But the main thing is, it is in fact a bead-filled, 533 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,640 hand-stitched and/or crocheted sack, not a ball. 534 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,440 Hence the name, Hacky Sack. 535 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,840 Well, on this particular occasion, I might be prepared to compromise. 536 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:46,720 We could have a sign that says, "No ball or sack games". 537 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:52,120 Right, and so to the vote. If you'd all like to take a voting slip and rank your candidates 538 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,920 in order of preference, we can get this wrapped up quickly. 539 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,120 And the results are... 540 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,440 ...one vote for Geoff. 541 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,120 Got this in the bag. 542 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,840 One vote for Giles. 543 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,120 Speech. 544 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:19,320 And...one rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on. 545 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,360 Oh. 546 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,880 Spoilt ballot. 547 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,960 Vote rejected. A draw. 548 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,040 Existing chairperson remains. 549 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,440 And that person is... 550 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,600 ..little old me. 551 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,560 Not according to article eight, section F. 552 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,680 - What? - Even a blithering idiot knows that a tied ballot leads to 553 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,440 a single transferable vote. 554 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,760 So we move on to our second options. 555 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,320 Now, one vote for Kate. 556 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,760 Oh, two votes for Kate. 557 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:54,560 And... Oh, a rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on. 558 00:23:54,560 --> 00:24:00,200 Which still doesn't count, so I think that means the winner is...little old me! 559 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,120 Now, let's talk about that lift. 560 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,720 Owen, this is a disaster. 561 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,000 I can't relax. 562 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,160 She brought up marking and now I can't think about anything else. 563 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,080 - Zonal or man-to-man? - What? - Well, if you want my opinion, the problem 564 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,920 with man-to-man is that you can't afford to switch off, but there's 565 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,920 no doubt it is more effective from set pieces. 566 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,400 No, marking my kissing with a score. 567 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,920 I don't think I'm coming across as very relaxed. 568 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,960 Right, OK, has she seen the chest bunker yet? 569 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,840 - No. - Well, then, there's still hope. 570 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:32,000 You need to remember what I told you, it is about confidence and I believe in you. 571 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,720 Did you or did you not nail that last date? 572 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,120 - Yeah, I did, yeah. - Good. And have you, 573 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,720 or have you not, lost over half a stone in liquid? 574 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,640 Yeah, I'm seriously dehydrated. 575 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,120 I haven't needed a piss since Homes Under The Hammer. 576 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,040 Oh, that's 12 hours ago. Congratulations. 577 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,480 You are at your fighting weight, you have earned this. 578 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:49,760 Yes, I have. 579 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,680 Remember what I told you, this woman likes confidence, sexual confidence. 580 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,240 It is now or never. 581 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,560 You need to get out there, cos this is your one opportunity 582 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,280 to sleep with someone way above your paygrade. 583 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,040 As soon as you get a chance, you need to say something sexually explosive, OK? 584 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,120 OK, OK, I'm going to do it. 585 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,440 All right, I'll see you later. 586 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,800 ..Not very likely, milady! 587 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,640 Chuckle Bucket last week, with Josh. 588 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:12,840 Yes, hi, how are you? 589 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,280 - Shall I get us a drink? - Yeah, pint of lager, please, love. 590 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,760 She was there, thought Josh was shit. 591 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,480 "Oh, yoghurt problems." 592 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:20,560 - Well... - Loved my stuff. 593 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,440 One of the perks of the job, copping off with audience members. 594 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,080 Just time for a drink and then we'll be heading back to mine 595 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:28,440 to ink the contract. 596 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,760 I think it's going to be mind-blowing, she's one of those sex bloggers. 597 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:32,840 Oh... 598 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,080 Oh! 599 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,480 Oh, what's her blog called? 600 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,960 Miss Naughty of North London. Look it up. 601 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:43,280 I imagine me and my massive wang will be featuring pretty heavily tomorrow. 602 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,640 Oh, what's the worst that can happen? 603 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,240 Pasta's ready. 604 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,560 - Great. - Let's hope so. 605 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,200 Yeah, pasta's my favourite. 606 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,480 Good to hear. 607 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,760 But I don't want to eat your pasta. 608 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:06,960 I want to eat your pussy. 609 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,280 I'm sorry? 610 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:17,600 I said, I don't want to eat your pasta, I want to eat...your pussy. 611 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,160 What? 612 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,200 I'd rather not say it again. 613 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,600 Why would you say it at all? 614 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,480 I was being sexually explosive. 615 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,320 - Were you? - Yeah, it's meant to be flattering. 616 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,440 How is that flattering? 617 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,600 Because I love pasta, but in this situation, it comes a distant second. 618 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,800 We barely know each other, that is a disgusting thing to say. 619 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,440 Look, I know you're Miss Naughty of North London. I've read your blog. 620 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,400 I'm not a blogger, I'm a teacher. 621 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,240 Yeah, by day maybe, but by night the mortarboard comes off and on goes the... 622 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,320 sex hat. 623 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,360 What is a sex hat? 624 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,080 I don't know, you're the sex writer. 625 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,120 I am not a sex writer, I write Sherlock Holmes fan fiction. 626 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,920 - So you're not Miss Naughty? - No! 627 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,840 Ah, well, there has been a dreadful mix-up. 628 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,680 It's quite funny, actually... 629 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,280 To quote the Evening Standard, "This is not funny." 630 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,760 No, it is, because my flatmate thought it was you, 631 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,680 so we went on your blog to work out how to make you like me. 632 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,560 I did like you, Josh. 633 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,320 That's why I came over to you at the gig, I thought you were funny. 634 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:17,960 I liked how nervous you were, I liked you. 635 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,520 Well, the good news is, that's the real me. 636 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:25,240 No. The real you is a creepy internet stalker that goes round people's houses 637 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,480 and makes inappropriate comments about the... 638 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,680 pasta. 639 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,520 I think you should leave. 640 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,040 - But it wasn't me, it was Owen... - Just... Just get out. 641 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,200 Could I just get a glass of water? 642 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,440 - I am dangerously dehydrated. - No. 643 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,520 # Sexy Everything about you... # 644 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,160 Thanks for this, Kate. 645 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:50,960 All part of the new regime. 646 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,920 Come to Daddy! 647 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,840 Yes! Ho-ho! 648 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,240 Oh! 649 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,720 Ah. 650 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,520 - Getting there. One more. - Yeah. 651 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,440 - Bit rusty. - Try again. 652 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,840 One... 653 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,120 - KATE LAUGHS - Too hard. 654 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:15,720 # ..Work it a little Get hot just a little 655 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,040 # Meet me in the middle 656 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:23,240 # Let go just a little bit more Just a little bit 657 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:27,360 # Give me just a little bit more 658 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,440 # Let me 659 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,560 # I'll do anything if you just let me 660 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,000 # Come on, baby 661 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,120 # Find a way to make you explore... #