1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,800 You're making me go to Abby's house-warming. 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:05,880 - You know my views on her. - Yes, we know you fancy her. 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,760 No, she just kept saying that at university. 4 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,960 Well, to be fair, there was a time you left her 26 missed calls. 5 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,160 I'd pocket-dialled her. 6 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,240 Yeah, the rumour was you fancied her so much, your penis typed in her number. 7 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,600 That is not possible. 8 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,480 It is. My cousin Dirty Brychan can unlock his iPhone with his old fella. 9 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,840 Turns out his thumb and penis have identical prints. 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:23,960 No way that's true. 11 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,000 It is. It's how they caught him for the burglary. 12 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,760 I don't even like her. She's the smuggest person I've ever met. 13 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,520 Oh, God, I loved uni house parties. 14 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,800 Queuing for the toilet, girls crying on the stairs, 15 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,680 using those little Mr Kipling cakes as ashtrays - glorious. 16 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,800 - Mm... - I'm going to start a game of spin the bottle. 17 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,800 We didn't play spin the bottle at uni. 18 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,680 Well, you might not have, mate. My lips barely left the bottle arena. 19 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:47,760 Why do you think I got through so much chapstick? 20 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,320 I'm not playing spin the bottle. 21 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,320 Well, we are, so it's up to you if you want to join in. 22 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,840 Well, you play, I'll watch. 23 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,160 Oh, I forgot you were the world's creepiest man. 24 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,760 Oi, oi, it is nostalgia central here. 25 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,760 Remember when I returned a library book so late 26 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,040 - I had to sell the Game Cube? - Yeah, it was my Game Cube. 27 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,000 Oh, it was everyone's Game Cube. 28 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,440 What are you doing here? Get in the lounge where the action is. 29 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,560 No, no, we can't. They're all talking about that true crime series, Dead Alibi. 30 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,840 How are we the only two that haven't watched it? 31 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,440 I had to remove myself for fear of being a victim of spoilers. 32 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,200 I already know the sous chef didn't do it. 33 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,000 Well, of course the sous chef didn't do it. 34 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,000 - He gets stabbed by a meat thermometer in episode three. - Are you kidding me? 35 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,040 Guys! 36 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,760 - Hey, Abby! - Hey, hey, hey. 37 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,400 What a great party! 38 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,240 - Oh, it's so nice of you to come. - It's all right. 39 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,920 - Abby! - Oh, Josh, good to see you. 40 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,960 And you. In the same way it's good to see everyone, equally. 41 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,680 I can't believe you've moved just round the corner from us. 42 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,400 Oh, well, my new therapy practice is at the end of the road, 43 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,600 - so it's perfect for work. - How's it going? 44 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,600 Retraining is the best decision I ever made. 45 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,000 I mean, you know how I've always had a bit of a talent 46 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,440 for knowing what makes people tick. 47 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,840 Well, I don't think anyone knew what people were thinking 48 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,200 in the fog of university. 49 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,040 Good to see you again, Josh. 50 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,520 I think you're in there, mate. 51 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,320 MUSIC PLAYING 52 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,640 HUM OF CONVERSATION 53 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,520 - Oh, my God, Phillipa. - Kate. 54 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,280 Hi. 55 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,560 Oh, what a pleasant surprise, I was hoping you'd be here. 56 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,520 I mean, it's lovely to see all my students again, 57 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,720 - but between you and me, you were always my favourite. - Oh, my God. I knew it. 58 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,200 PHILLIPA LAUGHS 59 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,040 It's so nice to see Abby doing so well, isn't it? 60 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:43,120 - She's probably just trying to make up for not being your favourite student. - Oh! 61 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:47,120 So I trust you stuck with photography, because you had such talent? 62 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,200 Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I'm never not taking photos. 63 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,320 My lens cap is never on. 64 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,760 In fact, to save time, I just threw it away, took a picture 65 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:56,840 of it lying in the dirt. 66 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,840 So, what are you working on? 67 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,240 Oh, er, mostly sort of online work, 68 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,240 um, offline work, you know, snap, snap, snap! 69 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,440 It never ends. 70 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,960 Because once you snap, you can't... 71 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,200 stap. 72 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,000 You know what? Hold that, I would love to see your portfolio. 73 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,600 My company are always looking for new photographers. 74 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,720 I mean, we mainly commission shoots for high-end fashion. 75 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,280 Ah, the best end, if you ask me. 76 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,800 Yes! I've just come from the most fantastic shoot with Claudia. 77 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,640 - Winkleman? - Schiffer. 78 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,000 Yeah. 79 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,040 Now, are you free next week? 80 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,080 Um, I might have to ask my temp agency. 81 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:39,080 I mean, my agent, who is temporary. "They work for you, Kate, remember that." 82 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,120 Ah! 83 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,280 So, when could you pop in? 84 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,960 I think I've got a window on, erm, Monday afternoon. 85 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,640 - Sounds great. - Ah! - PHONE RINGS 86 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,320 Oh, gosh, sorry, I've got to take this. 87 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,080 - It's Kate. - Oh, Moss? - No, my baby-sitter. 88 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,960 Yeah, she spotted my talent early. 89 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,200 This is probably going to be my big break, if I'm honest, 90 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,360 but don't worry, I'm not going let it change me. 91 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,880 That's a pity, isn't it? 92 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,840 The thing with a career in the arts is, you really have to want to create... 93 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,080 Look, this party is rubbish. Can we just go? 94 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,640 Yeah, I should probably head home and prepare a mood board and polish my lens. 95 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,960 I don't want to hear about your sexual frustrations, Kate. 96 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,640 Did anybody order more nostalgia? 97 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,960 Then it is time to spin the bottle! 98 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,600 CHEERING 99 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,760 Oh, no, no, don't feel we need to do this, guys. 100 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,200 - Come on, Josh, get involved. - No, it's not really my scene. 101 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,560 - Oh, who invited Frankie Frigid? - I'm not Frankie Frigid. 102 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,480 That's exactly what Frankie Frigid would say. 103 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,280 Yes, that and, "Don't touch my penis." 104 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,840 All right, fine, let's do it. 105 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,560 Right, just before we get cracking, erm, tongues are optional, 106 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:40,960 but it's an option I always take, 107 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,440 so if anyone's got any loose fillings, do declare them now. 108 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,200 OK, spin the bottle, see who gets to go first. 109 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,200 ALL: Ohh! 110 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,800 Looks like Frankie Frigid's become Ugo Up-For-It. 111 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,840 - Ugo? - No, you go first. Come on, spin the bottle, lover boy. 112 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,280 Stupid, what if I land it on you? 113 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:01,480 Knowing your post-uni love life, odds are you'll land on yourself! 114 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,360 Josh, have you been single since university? 115 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,080 No, I've had plenty of girlfriends. 116 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,480 Oh, you should've introduced us to some of them, Josh. 117 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,360 All right, let's just get this over with, OK? 118 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,440 ALL: Ohh! 119 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,560 - Ah... I understand... - No... 120 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,200 - But that, that, that... - No, it's OK, Josh, I'm not judging you. 121 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,080 No, but how could that be intentional? 122 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,000 Well, your single years have given you quite the skilled wrist. 123 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,080 - Oh, that's cheap. - Come on, we've got our first kissers of the evening! 124 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,000 Just get cracking. Kissers, kissers... 125 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,600 ALL: Kissers, kissers, 126 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,680 kissers, kissers, 127 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,840 kissers, kissers, kissers... 128 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,080 I think it's for the best. 129 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,120 Oh. 130 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,200 I can't believe she's still going on about me fancying her. 131 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,040 Are you sure you don't? Because we all saw what happened. 132 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,760 - I misjudged the spin. - Oh, all right, Mike Gatting. 133 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,160 People seemed to think you'd rigged it - there was talk of a weighted bottle. 134 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,320 Who suggested that? 135 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,800 Well, Abby did. I was the person who started the WhatsApp group 136 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,720 - on how you might've done it. - Unbelievable. 137 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,880 Mm, that's what people were saying until I suggested the use of magnets. 138 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,200 Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party, and I left my cardigan there. 139 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,000 Oh, well, we all know what that says. 140 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,040 Standard flirt's move. 141 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,000 Why does everyone think I fancy her? 142 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,880 Well, for a kick-off, you keep bringing up that you don't fancy her, 143 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,960 which is a classic sign of fancying someone. 144 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,680 Well, what am I going to do? Say I fancy her? 145 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,640 I wouldn't do that, mate. If anything, that will confirm her suspicions. 146 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,000 Well, you see my problem, then. 147 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,360 - DOORBELL RINGS - Mm. 148 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,240 Only one play at spin the bottle, eh? 149 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,240 I told you, there was too much peer pressure. 150 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,880 Of course there was, Zammo. 151 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,120 What would you say to mauve long johns? 152 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,360 - What? - All right, how about plum flares? 153 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,840 - No. - Oh, tricky customer. 154 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,680 Worry not, there's something for everyone on Geoff's rail. 155 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,560 GEOFF CHUCKLES 156 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,960 How about a cowskin waistcoat? 157 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,160 Excuse me, Geoff, I'm trying to watch Cash In The Attic. 158 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,000 Well, welcome to the live version. 159 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,880 I bring good news and even better threads. 160 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,280 What? 161 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,600 The great thing about renting to people of a similar size 162 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,600 and build to you is that they get first dibs when you're clearing out 163 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:08,800 your wardrobe. 164 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,920 On that subject, is Kate around? 165 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,680 We don't want your hand-me-downs, Geoff. 166 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,160 These aren't hand-me-downs, these are vintage. 167 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,160 Clearly. Just bin them, Geoff. 168 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,360 Well, maybe he could if you took the bins out. 169 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,600 I told you, the heaping of contents is yet to reach the required gradient. 170 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,720 Mm, trouble in paradise? 171 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,160 This isn't paradise, Geoff. 172 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,280 In that case, why have I got this? 173 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,040 Mm? No takers? How about this? 174 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,640 - Why don't you just give them to a charity shop? - I'm not Bono. 175 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,120 There's gold in them there frills. 176 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,800 Yes, I've been sitting on that all morning. 177 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,360 Is that why it's so creased? 178 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,040 Who's going to start the bidding? 179 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,760 Do I hear £1 for the frilly shirt? £1, £1, £1 for the frilly... 180 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:52,880 Oh, my God. 181 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,080 £1, thank you. £1.50, do I hear? £1.50, £1.50... 182 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,120 Get out. 183 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,560 Thank you, sold to the man with the blond straggly hair. 184 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,760 - PHILLIPA: - Are you kidding me? These shots are yours? 185 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,160 Look at the lighting! They are more overexposed than Rylan Clark. 186 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,160 Seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself... 187 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,720 - Kate. - Oh, yeah. - Thanks for coming in. 188 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,920 No, thanks for having me. Oh, God, before I forget, 189 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,200 you will not believe how that party on Saturday ended. 190 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,840 - Do you remember my housemate Owen? - Kate, we're on work time now. 191 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:32,000 - Please focus. - Oh, yes, sorry, focus, like a camera. 192 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,480 - So, portfolio? - Yep. 193 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,880 PHONE RINGS 194 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,680 Oh. Jessie, speak to me. 195 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,960 Well, what do you mean she's dropped out? 196 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,840 Well, can't she take photos with the arm that isn't broken? 197 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,840 How is it my responsibility? 198 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,040 I wasn't the one she was arm-wrestling. 199 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,160 Fine, tell them of course I will find a replacement. 200 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,960 Kate, are you free to do a last-minute shoot? 201 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,720 Er, yes, I am. 202 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,120 I haven't told you when it is yet. 203 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,800 Oh, right, yes, when is it? 204 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,680 Wednesday night. 205 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,160 Yeah, I can probably make that work. 206 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,840 Good. We need images for a four-page profile piece. 207 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,720 Are you familiar with Brazilian street music? 208 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,120 Er, is Dario G Brazilian? 209 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,440 - No. - Then no. No, I'm not. 210 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,600 Right, Gabriella Luiz grew up in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro, 211 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,200 she couldn't afford any musical instruments so she had to learn 212 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,200 to create music from things she found to hand, 213 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,280 you know, bin lids, brooms, etc. Are you familiar with Stomp? 214 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,520 Is that the Blue Man Group? 215 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,840 - No. - Then no. No, I'm not. 216 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,080 Right, we only have an hour in the studio with Gabriella, 217 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,000 and she speaks very little English, 218 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,560 she hates being photographed and she has a reputation for being incredibly awkward. 219 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,160 I mean, what's the most difficult shoot you've done? 220 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,200 Oh, er, you know how they say never work with children or animals? 221 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,640 Well, I once took a photo of a baby on a dog. 222 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,240 Right, if she is being difficult, do not let her push you around. 223 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,760 You have to take control. I'm talking velvet glove, iron fist. 224 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,560 - Are you good at not being pushed around? - Um, well, I... 225 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,560 - Because I think you are. - Yeah, no, I'm brilliant at it. 226 00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,800 TV ON QUIETLY 227 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,800 Shall we just skip this bit? We know the kitchen porter didn't do it. 228 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,240 I thought that was the sous chef. 229 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,080 There's the off chance I might've just googled the kitchen porter. 230 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,880 Can you please stop double-screening? 231 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,400 Don't worry, I can handle it. 232 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,200 I once watched Back To The Future I, II and III at the same time, 233 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,640 I was in six different time zones. 234 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,960 I'm not answering your questions if you miss something. 235 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,800 Don't worry, mate, I don't need your help. 236 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,960 Remember, I'm the person who could cope with seeing Marty McFly on a hover board, 237 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,760 sauntering into the saloon bar and kissing his mother at the same time. 238 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,160 Look, can we please just watch this without your constant interruptions? 239 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,480 OK. 240 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,880 Oh, the kitchen porter did a porno. I wonder if I can find it. 241 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,120 Oh, for God's sake! Right, I'm going to make a cup of tea. 242 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,680 I think you should go camomile, mate. You seem a little stressed. 243 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,280 I am not stressed. 244 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,680 What the hell is this?! 245 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,880 Oh, we'd run out of bin bags, so I, er, created a satellite bin. 246 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,640 - Why didn't you just buy more bin bags? - I'll buy them tomorrow. 247 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,320 I think today our focus should solely be on Dead Alibi. 248 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,800 How am I meant to concentrate on the admissibility of forensic evidence 249 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,560 if I'm worrying about satellite bin bags? 250 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:09,000 - Don't think about them, then. - You know I don't like bin gasses polluting the flat. 251 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,480 Oh, all right, David Icke. 252 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,520 Oh, did I tell you about the time I shared an Airbnb with David Icke? 253 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,440 - What? - The man is a perfect housemate, 254 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,840 although, interestingly, does not believe in recycling. 255 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:21,480 His argument is, if the world's run by 12-foot lizards, what's the point? 256 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,840 Look, can we just get the bin bags and then I can relax? 257 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,480 Absolutely, no problem at all, completely under control. 258 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,960 I've just realised I've forgotten my wallet. Sorry, mate. 259 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,200 - Are you kidding me? - Are you all right to shout me the bags? 260 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,680 - Only a couple of quid. I'll pay you back. - You never pay me back! 261 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,040 - What about those festival tickets? - It wasn't that long ago. 262 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:40,080 David Bowie headlined. Look, you go back and get it and I'll wait here. 263 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,360 Oh, you are unbelievable. 264 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,000 It looked like I'd been staking out her house. 265 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,240 Are you sure you don't fancy her? I mean, all the evidence would suggest otherwise. 266 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,360 No, it's just been a series of unfortunate events. 267 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,120 All right, Lemony Snicket. 268 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,840 If you want to make a move, I've got loads of great tips. 269 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,320 Have you ever thought about sending her a text message 270 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,320 that's supposedly for someone else? 271 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,400 Yeah, I tried that trick once - worked a treat. 272 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,160 I hadn't heard from my mum for six months. 273 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:28,240 One text, supposedly for Dad, and there she was back in touch. 274 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,920 And there I was back in the will. 275 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,040 Truly heart-warming. 276 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,920 Anyway, I'd love to stick around and talk about this all day 277 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,160 but I've got to go to work, 278 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,600 and then I've got a potentially career-defining photoshoot 279 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,600 with a Brazilian street musician to prepare for, 280 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,480 which I'm feeling...absolutely fine about. 281 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,840 When was the last time you actually did a photoshoot? 282 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,520 Well, there was that photo of your nephew on the dog. 283 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,080 - He's now ten. - In dog years? 284 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:55,240 No, my nephew. If you did that photo now, he would flatten the dog. 285 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,680 OK, well, natural talent can't be taught 286 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,520 and I have the natural talent of a favourite student. 287 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,800 Although, to balance that out, I am more scared than I have ever been in my life. 288 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,560 Thank God I've got that A in Spanish GCSE, 289 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,600 otherwise we wouldn't even be able to communicate. 290 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,920 I mean, you do know in Brazil they speak Portuguese? 291 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,000 Oh, God. 292 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,400 I could do with some photos if you want to practise? 293 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,600 Really? 294 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,760 You never know when you'll need a recent photo. 295 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,920 Personalised Christmas card, landlord charity calendar, 296 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,240 image for the side of a milk carton in case I go missing. 297 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,600 We don't have people on the side of milk cartons here. We've got cows. 298 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,040 Who would report a missing cow? 299 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,280 What would be the point of that? They all look the same. 300 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,960 No. Geoff, the, ah... 301 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,200 What? Are we not supposed to say that any more? 302 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,480 I can't keep up! 303 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:41,600 TV ON QUIETLY 304 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,560 DOORBELL RINGS 305 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,200 Don't you dare put on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 306 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,320 You're not the most relaxed box-set buddy, are you? 307 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,400 - Abby. - Hi, Josh. 308 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,400 Er, I can explain about yesterday, I was just... 309 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,160 I don't need to hear a story, Josh. I understand. 310 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,960 - Good, I was worried that you... - I know it must be difficult for you, 311 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,520 with me living nearby, but we have to find a way to deal with this. 312 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,800 - But that isn't... - Josh, this isn't going to happen. 313 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,400 - Right, is that everything? - No, I've got your cardigan here, 314 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,840 just because I feel it is best if we draw a line under that tactic as well. 315 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,200 It is not a tactic. 316 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,880 I thought you'd have left these feelings at university, Josh. 317 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,600 No, they weren't at university. I'm not in love with you. 318 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,720 You know, you don't need to deny it. 319 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,040 I'm not denying it. 320 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,000 You literally just denied it. 321 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,840 No, I was denying denying it. 322 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,040 Well, two wrongs don't make a right. 323 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,640 That doesn't make sense. 324 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,080 Love rarely does. 325 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,800 What does that even mean? 326 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,960 Look, I am fully trained in dealing with this kind of infatuation 327 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,680 and the first step on the road to recovery is you need to admit it to yourself. 328 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,560 I have nothing to admit, because I'm not in love with you. 329 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,240 This was just a series of unfortunate events. 330 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,560 Oh, Josh, you're not Lemony Snicket. 331 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,440 Look, I'm not going until you're honest with me. 332 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,200 I am being honest with you. 333 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,000 Right, if I say that I was in love with you at university, 334 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,200 will you leave me alone? 335 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,720 - If that's how you need to frame it, Josh, that's OK. - Fine. 336 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,200 So...? 337 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,480 I was in love with you at university. 338 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,120 Good. That's an important first step. 339 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,000 - Well done, Josh. I'm proud of you. - Thank you. 340 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,440 Look, I didn't feel that you were ready to hear this before 341 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,160 but I have something to tell you. 342 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,240 I have started seeing someone. 343 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,520 Great, delighted for you. 344 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,760 I know that's a lie and I appreciate 345 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,040 you wanting to protect me from your pain but, Josh, 346 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,840 it's time to stop loving me and start loving yourself. 347 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,720 Mm? 348 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,360 All the best. 349 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,240 Brief warning - if you start loving yourself too often, you will go blind. 350 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,000 Is that Anton du Beke? 351 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,600 Come on! Right. 352 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,800 KNOCK ON DOOR 353 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,320 - Yep. - Oh! 354 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,240 Hello, Katie Kodak. 355 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,640 Hello, Geoff. Er, welcome. So what are you after today? 356 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,040 I was wondering, would you be able to drill down 357 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,440 and capture a really honest portrait of humble old Geoff? 358 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,160 Er, sure. I mean, what I normally do is, erm... 359 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,640 Or you could just take a load of photos of me in different outfits 360 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,360 for eBay. 361 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,080 Er, yeah, no, that sounds good. 362 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,840 # Pump up the jam 363 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,760 # Pump it up, pump it up 364 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,280 # Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it 365 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,920 # Pump it, pump it, pump it 366 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,400 # Pump it up a little more 367 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,520 # Get the party going on the dance floor 368 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,160 # See, cos that's where the party's at 369 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,440 # And you'll find out if you do that... # 370 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,480 Well, that went pretty well. It got your confidence up in the end. 371 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,440 Yeah. Just need to remember to keep my thumb well out of the way. 372 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,880 - Easy to forget how big a thumb is. - Yeah, right. 373 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,920 Particularly yours. I mean, half those photos look like they're being photobombed by Ross Kemp! 374 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:22,960 All right, Geoff. 375 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,560 - No, I'm glad I was able to help. - Yeah, no. 376 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,880 Well, thanks for doing this. 377 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,440 No. Thank you. If anything, I should be paying you. 378 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,800 Ah, well, you still can. 379 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,600 Well, no, let's not bring money into this. 380 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,400 It'd be a shame to spoil a lovely experience. 381 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,760 Oh, before I go, 382 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,640 could we try just one more shot? 383 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,480 - Yeah. - I was thinking, 384 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,840 go with me on this, 385 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,080 er, a straight-on shot of me close up, 386 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,040 cropped just below the shoulders on a neutral background. 387 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,080 - Do you need a new passport photo, Geoff? - Yes, I do. 388 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,320 Apparently you're not supposed to submit a photo of yourself wearing a headband, 389 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,000 even though it was clearly me. It had "Geoff" written on it. 390 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,480 I mean, there is a concern a Brazilian street musician 391 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,560 will be more difficult to photograph than Geoff. 392 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,840 Who do you want me to practise on? Enrique Iglesias? 393 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,040 He's Spanish. 394 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,400 Oh, my God. Is everyone bloody Spanish?! 395 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,480 Good luck. Tuck in those thumbs. 396 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,160 - Why's she got a loaf of bread on her head? - Have you taken the bins out yet? 397 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,160 Mate, I only just bought the bin bags, now you want me to get rid of them! 398 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,120 - Why are you putting your coat on? Are you going out? - Just for a few drinks. 399 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,960 We're meant to be finishing watching Dead Alibi tonight. 400 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,080 If you go out, I'm going to finish it without you. 401 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,080 That is fine by me, cos watching a box set with you is hell. 402 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,880 It's like a night in with Justin Lee Collins. 403 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,360 Anyway, probably for the best you're staying in. 404 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,400 You'd never get into Bar 54 dressed like that. 405 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,520 These are my comfy, staying-in clothes. 406 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,280 You're dressed like you're on your period. 407 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,040 Do you want me to get you a slab of Galaxy? 408 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,800 - Oh, piss off! - No problem. 409 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,720 When I get back, I'll do you a hot-water bottle. 410 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,800 - Sorry I'm late. - We have only got the studio booked for an hour. 411 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,120 You've already cost us five minutes. That's 50 potential shots wasted. 412 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,040 Sorry, my Google Maps got confused. 413 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,040 This is the busiest photography studio in London. 414 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:12,080 - Have you never been here before? - Yes, I just got it mixed up with its sister branch. 415 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,440 - In New York?! - Yes. 416 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,720 Right, Gabriella is waiting for you in Delta. 417 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,240 She has all her instruments with her, but she's on difficult form. 418 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,760 Delta? The studio we've booked. 419 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,160 Yeah, sorry, the reason I reacted like that is cos I've done 420 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,440 so much work in Delta that I'm now emotionally dead to it. 421 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,920 We are wasting more time. 422 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,040 - PHONE RINGS - Claudia. 423 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,320 Winkleman? Oh, no, sorry. 424 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,880 Stop doing that. Right, erm... Hmm. 425 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,800 METAL CLATTERS 426 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,560 Hi, Gabriella, I am so sorry I'm late. 427 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,800 - WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE - Yeah 428 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,120 WOMAN CONTINUES TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE 429 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,800 Oh, no, no. Please, please don't leave, um... 430 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,800 KATE SPEAKS A MIXTURE OF SPANISH AND PORTUGUESE 431 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,880 - WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE - Please. 432 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,160 Cos this is a really big break for me, 433 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,760 so if you could just stick around. 434 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,560 If I could just pop you over onto the stage. That's it, lovely. 435 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,440 Here we go. Whoop, whoop! 436 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,200 MUSIC ON TV 437 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,280 Shit! 438 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,520 Oh! Probably don't need flash anyway. It's pretty bright in here. 439 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,480 OK. So...you look very engaging. 440 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,360 OK, so, um, what about with the broom? 441 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,120 El...broom? 442 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,200 Gracias, in Portuguese. Okey dokey. 443 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,680 Right, that's... That is lovely. 444 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,800 OK, and again, bang, bang. 445 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,920 There we go. Lovely. And again. 446 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,480 Oh, ah, crazy! 447 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,680 That is good. 448 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,000 Gabriella? The... The shoot has finished? 449 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,480 # Pump, pump up the jam 450 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,320 # Pump it up, pump it up 451 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,400 # Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it 452 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,800 # Pump it, pump it, pump it... # 453 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:06,320 Oh, we're in Rio now, baby. I'm in Rio now, oh, oh! 454 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,720 Yeah, I'm really feeling it. I'm really feeling it. 455 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,760 - Kate! - Oh, this is great. Oh, hi, Phillipa. 456 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,000 Gabriella Luiz. 457 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,560 And that's Maria, the cleaner. 458 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,800 # Pump up the jam, pump up the jam 459 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,880 # Pump it up, pump it, pump it 460 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,440 # Pump it, pump up the jam... # 461 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,600 Owen! 462 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,920 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no! 463 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,920 SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS No! 464 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,000 Owen! 465 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,760 Yo, yo, yo, yo. Sorry, you can't come in if you're not wearing shoes. 466 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,440 No, I just need to go in to talk to my... 467 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,400 You're not coming in wearing dinosaur feet. 468 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,200 - Who'd you borrow them from? Dr Ian Malcolm? - Who? 469 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,880 He's Jeff Goldblum's character from Jurassic Park. 470 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,600 But why would he have these? He had a terrible weekend. 471 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,400 If anything, it would just bring it all back. 472 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,840 He saw a lawyer get eaten on the toilet. 473 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,840 Did he see that? Wasn't he in the car sheltering from the rain? 474 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,880 They weren't sheltering from the rain, they were sheltering from a T rex. 475 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:32,080 Another point - who drinks water from a glass when they're in a car? No-one. 476 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:35,120 No, I think what they were... Why are we talking about this? 477 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,160 I need to talk to my flatmate urgently. 478 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,000 Oh, really? 479 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,760 Yes, I'm locked out and my sausages are smoking. 480 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,400 Oh, the old "I've been locked out and my sausages are smoking" routine. 481 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,000 If I'd had a pound for every time I'd heard that excuse, 482 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,280 I'd be able to open up a theme park on an island where we'd serve bottled water. 483 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,360 Now jog on. 484 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,280 Owen! 485 00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,560 Owen! 486 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,400 MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION 487 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:04,080 Owen! 488 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,280 Owen! Oh, come on. Owen! Owen! 489 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,880 Owen! Owen! 490 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,400 No, no, no, no, no. 491 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:18,440 No, it's not... 492 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,760 SIREN WAILS 493 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,320 Oh, my God! Is that a fire engine? My sausages! 494 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,200 MUSIC: Life in A Northern Town by Dream Academy 495 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,480 You're a terrible friend. I don't think you should be kissing Abby. 496 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,840 - Oh, sorry, mate. Do you like her? You should've said. - No, I don't like her. 497 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,760 - So, I don't see what the problem is, then. - Well, there isn't a problem. 498 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,760 - Well, good, unless you fancy her. - No, I don't fancy her. 499 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,360 So what's the problem? Cos there's only a problem if you fancy her. 500 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,560 No, the problem is that you were kissing her. 501 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,680 - What? Because you fancy her? - No. - That's the problem? 502 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,960 - No, I don't fancy her. - Well, that's absolutely fine, then, isn't it? 503 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,040 If you don't fancy her, I can kiss her and we can carry on with our lives. 504 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,560 - Yeah, no problem. - Good. 505 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,080 To be honest, considering you don't fancy her, 506 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,600 you talk about her an awful lot. 507 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,640 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 508 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,280 # Doo-doo, ai-ai 509 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,200 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 510 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,040 # Hey! 511 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,320 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 512 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,960 # Doo-doo, ai-ai 513 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,040 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 514 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,720 # Doo-doo, ai-ai 515 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,520 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 516 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,200 # Doo-doo, ai-ai 517 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,440 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 518 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:24,960 # Hey, ma, ma, ma 519 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,800 # Hey, hey, hey, ma, ma, ma... #