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00:00:00,384 --> 00:00:03,353
(exciting music)

2
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♪

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(opera music)

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00:00:16,889 --> 00:00:20,827
♪

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Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

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(soul music)

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♪

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Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

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(cheers and applause)

10
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All right!

11
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Yeah!

12
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Thank you.

13
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Thank you so much
for coming out.

14
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I am Keegan-Michael Key.

15
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- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

16
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Thank you.
(cheers and applause)

17
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We're just gonna get it
out of the way and just say it.

18
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So first thing's first.
We-- We met the President.

19
00:02:50,547 --> 00:02:53,520
So [bleep] you.
So [bleep] you.

20
00:02:53,554 --> 00:02:57,057
- We did. We met him!
- We met the President.

21
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And it was amazing,

22
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because he was cooler
than I thought he was gonna be,

23
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He was taller
than I thought he was gonna be,

24
00:03:02,997 --> 00:03:04,465
and he was more handsome
than I thought he was gonna be.

25
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- Yes. He was--
- It was everything, you know?

26
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- He was everything to me.
- He was everything--

27
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- (laughter)
- He was unbelievable.

28
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It was like,
I-I wouldn't have been happier

29
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if I had found my real father.

30
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(laughter)

31
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Just beaming.

32
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- Real--
- And the first thing--

33
00:03:22,284 --> 00:03:25,386
the first thing he said to us
was he said-- he said,

34
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"I know it's real hard
for a brother on TV."

35
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:28,626
It's real hard.

36
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That was the first thing
out of his mouth. It's true.

37
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I guess he saw
the Luther sketch.

38
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You know, I don't know
if you guys remember...

39
00:03:33,596 --> 00:03:35,063
the Obama, Luther
sketches that we did.

40
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His anger translator.
(cheers and applause)

41
00:03:38,101 --> 00:03:39,301
That was awesome.

42
00:03:39,335 --> 00:03:41,971
My [bleep].
That was my [bleep].

43
00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:43,906
He's keeping
the secret service...

44
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:45,674
- on their toes.
- on their toes.

45
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He goes to one of his aides,
he goes,

46
00:03:47,309 --> 00:03:49,577
"Can I get some water?"
and goes, "Do we trust her?

47
00:03:49,611 --> 00:03:52,446
"Do we trust..."
(laughter)

48
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He says that
to the secret security.

49
00:03:55,650 --> 00:03:58,519
- Oh, my God.
- She gives him her water.

50
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My man goes like this.
He goes, "All right, thank you.

51
00:04:02,057 --> 00:04:03,958
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding."

52
00:04:03,992 --> 00:04:05,326
(laughter)

53
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,596
He did that, yes.
Very funny guy.

54
00:04:08,630 --> 00:04:12,266
Very funny guy.
(cheers and applause)

55
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But it was great,
'cause after the meeting,

56
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What did he say to us?

57
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,370
He just gave us like--
He's on his way out,

58
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And my man said
Like this...

59
00:04:18,073 --> 00:04:19,707
"By the way,

60
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don't let me
do anything too crazy."

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(laughter, applause)

62
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(as Obama)
All right.

63
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Everybody focus up. Look.

64
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This party tonight
could be a model

65
00:04:31,917 --> 00:04:34,152
for the way that the world
should work.

66
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:36,320
and I just want to say...

67
00:04:36,354 --> 00:04:38,555
<i>I'm totally stoked
to the max about it.

68
00:04:38,589 --> 00:04:41,356
All right?
You guys feeling good?

69
00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:43,489
Oh, Dennis, what,
are you shooting video?

70
00:04:43,573 --> 00:04:44,224
<i>Yeah, man.

71
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All right, well,
Be careful with that.

72
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I might run
for office someday.

73
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(laughter)

74
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Now, trust me,
I think that this party can be

75
00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:55,664
the most inspirational party
this campus has ever seen.

76
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Is that coming to me?

77
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Let me just grab that.

78
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That's some righteous bud.

79
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,839
Some righteous bud
we got going on there.

80
00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:10,241
We need some bodacious
jock babes coming in.

81
00:05:10,275 --> 00:05:13,076
We need some hot-ass
punk rock babes.

82
00:05:13,110 --> 00:05:15,043
I-I-I don't care
where they come from.

83
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The most important thing--
it's imperative

84
00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:21,348
that we have a diversity
in the, uh...

85
00:05:21,383 --> 00:05:22,549
pussy department.

86
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Intercepted.

87
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Don't sleep on Barry O.

88
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Don't ever
sleep on Barry O.

89
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Whoo!

90
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That is some
major doobage.

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(opera music)

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♪

93
00:05:42,563 --> 00:05:45,264
Come now, Mary Magdalene.

94
00:05:45,298 --> 00:05:49,100
Stand and be forgiven
for your sins.

95
00:05:49,135 --> 00:05:53,303
But, Jesus,
how can I be forgiven?

96
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I'm a prostitute.

97
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No, child.

98
00:05:57,242 --> 00:05:59,476
You were a prostitute.

99
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That life is behind you now.

100
00:06:01,746 --> 00:06:04,781
Mary Magdalene!
Where you at, bitch?

101
00:06:04,815 --> 00:06:06,315
Oh, no, Jesus.

102
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I think it's my pimp.
I think he found me.

103
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There you are!

104
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Man, took me forever
to find yo ass!

105
00:06:13,424 --> 00:06:15,591
I been lookin'
all over for you!

106
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You know how many bitches
named Mary there are up in here?

107
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Now get your ass
in that caravan!

108
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No!

109
00:06:20,997 --> 00:06:22,965
No, I'm not
going with you, Galileroy.

110
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I'm gonna
stay here with Jesus.

111
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What the flip is this?

112
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You washing
this [bleep] feet?

113
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- Maybe.
- Well, I taught you that!

114
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I rescued you
from that fishing village,

115
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I cleaned you up
and got you out to work,

116
00:06:35,379 --> 00:06:36,812
and now this is
how you repay me?

117
00:06:36,846 --> 00:06:38,347
You go out and get yourself
another pimp?

118
00:06:38,381 --> 00:06:39,914
Hell, no, brotha,
she's mine.

119
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I don't think
you understand.

120
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She's not going with you.

121
00:06:43,452 --> 00:06:45,019
Well, I can't afford
to lose her.

122
00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:46,989
I already lost three bitches
to leprosy, all right?

123
00:06:47,023 --> 00:06:50,826
All I got left is Mary,
a cripple, and two blind chicks,

124
00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:52,361
Who--

125
00:06:52,395 --> 00:06:54,630
Actually, you know,
they get requested a lot.

126
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Don't ask me how that works.

127
00:06:56,132 --> 00:06:57,465
Get outta here!

128
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,201
I'm not going with you,
Galileroy.

129
00:06:59,235 --> 00:07:01,336
I'm staying here with Jesus,
and I'm warning you,

130
00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:04,005
Jesus has, like,
12 followers.

131
00:07:04,039 --> 00:07:06,207
- Tell him.
- Oh, 12?

132
00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:09,477
Pssh. Okay, all right, so this
Mother[bleep] a serious pimp.

133
00:07:09,511 --> 00:07:11,178
No, my friend.
You're confused.

134
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,513
It's 12 men.

135
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Uh, what--
what, you a gay pimp?

136
00:07:14,349 --> 00:07:16,684
I'm not a pimp.
I'm a carpenter.

137
00:07:16,718 --> 00:07:19,220
Carpenter?
(scoffs)

138
00:07:19,254 --> 00:07:21,189
Then why does your house
look like [bleep]?

139
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:23,891
I've been busy
with non-carpentry work.

140
00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:26,160
Okay, that's it.
Bitch, pack your [bleep].

141
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:28,329
Get in the caravan
and make me some money.

142
00:07:28,363 --> 00:07:30,898
No! And I don't
have any stuff to pack.

143
00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:33,167
Jesus says
we don't <i>need</i> things.

144
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,337
- What the--
- Is this all about money?

145
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,305
Hell, yeah,
it's all about money, brotha.

146
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:40,875
I have a saying.
It goes like this.

147
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:42,811
- Oh, you're gonna love this.
- Shut up.

148
00:07:42,845 --> 00:07:45,981
It's easier for a camel to
pass through the eye of a needle

149
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:49,017
than for a rich man
to enter the kingdom of God.

150
00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:50,585
- Whew.
- Oh, yeah?

151
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:52,721
Well, I got a saying too.

152
00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:56,191
It's eas-- You know,
why don't you pass your own--

153
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,060
pass your ass
through the need--

154
00:07:58,094 --> 00:08:00,228
Man, [bleep] you, man.
Come on!

155
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,763
The girl stays.

156
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:04,499
- What? (grunts)
- Oh!

157
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:07,502
(heavenly music plays)

158
00:08:07,536 --> 00:08:08,670
♪

159
00:08:08,704 --> 00:08:10,838
Mother[bleep], I slap you,

160
00:08:10,873 --> 00:08:13,407
and you want me
to hit you on the other cheek?

161
00:08:13,442 --> 00:08:14,709
That ain't gangsta.

162
00:08:14,743 --> 00:08:16,110
This [bleep] is crazy.

163
00:08:16,144 --> 00:08:18,245
You can have him.
I'm done.

164
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,881
Wait, friend.

165
00:08:19,915 --> 00:08:21,582
(opera music plays)

166
00:08:21,617 --> 00:08:24,185
So you know that there are
no hard feelings,

167
00:08:24,219 --> 00:08:27,555
would you care
to join us for dinner?

168
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,258
What y'all havin'?

169
00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:34,963
(operatic singing)
♪

170
00:08:36,465 --> 00:08:38,466
And you're all going to Hell.
Okay.

171
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,101
(laughter)

172
00:08:40,135 --> 00:08:42,303
Except for the Jews,
who are already going to Hell.

173
00:08:42,337 --> 00:08:45,639
Okay.
(laughter)

174
00:08:45,674 --> 00:08:47,074
So, uh--

175
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:49,243
You looked like
the Jack of Hearts...

176
00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:52,748
(laughter)

177
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,449
in that sketch.

178
00:08:54,484 --> 00:08:56,886
I know, I have that wig
at home. I have it at home.

179
00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,389
Looked like Katt Williams
had a finger-roll moustache.

180
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,167
Crazy.

181
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,719
(soul music)

182
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,988
Um, so we, uh...

183
00:09:08,023 --> 00:09:10,337
- we find the South fascinating.
- The South.

184
00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:11,012
to say the le--

185
00:09:11,013 --> 00:09:12,918
The southern part
of the United States of America.

186
00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,395
And my favorite thing
about going down to the South

187
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:17,674
is that white people
will come up to you, and just,

188
00:09:17,747 --> 00:09:20,334
"I just want to talk to you.
It's okay. We don't hate you."

189
00:09:20,368 --> 00:09:21,768
- Yes. Yeah.
- "We don't hate you."

190
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:22,997
That's my experience
in the South.

191
00:09:23,048 --> 00:09:25,105
White people go, "Hi, see this?
See what I'm doing?"

192
00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:26,937
- What is-- What is that?
- It's fine. It didn't--

193
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,909
See, and I didn't even think
It was gonna rub-- I'm-- I'm fine.

194
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:30,678
- I'm sm-- I'm--
- I'm fine.

195
00:09:30,712 --> 00:09:32,880
I'm smoking crack too.
It's good. We're good.

196
00:09:32,914 --> 00:09:34,448
I'm smoking crack.

197
00:09:34,483 --> 00:09:35,916
Look, I've--
I've stolen your purse.

198
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,551
- It's okay.
- It's all right.

199
00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:40,020
I [bleep] your daughter.
I [bleep] your daughter, so...

200
00:09:40,054 --> 00:09:42,789
I had sex with your
black daughter. It's okay.

201
00:09:42,824 --> 00:09:44,858
- I desire her...
- All right.

202
00:09:44,893 --> 00:09:46,260
as much as you desire--

203
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,861
So let's laugh
at some rednecks.

204
00:09:47,895 --> 00:09:49,438
Okay, right on.
That's right. Here we go.

205
00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:54,701
Men, as we launch
the counterattack

206
00:09:54,735 --> 00:09:57,071
against the Union army,
we must remember

207
00:09:57,105 --> 00:09:58,672
that even though we may die

208
00:09:58,707 --> 00:10:00,908
a glorious death
on the battlefield,

209
00:10:00,942 --> 00:10:04,378
we do so to preserve
a way of life.

210
00:10:04,412 --> 00:10:07,114
The southern way of life.

211
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:10,450
A way of life
so pure and beautiful

212
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:14,320
that no man nor government
can take this away from us.

213
00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:18,457
The right...

214
00:10:18,491 --> 00:10:21,961
The right to preserve.

215
00:10:21,995 --> 00:10:23,462
our own so--

216
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,032
to--

217
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,800
We a--
Oh, [bleep].

218
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:30,904
Well, hello there, Massa.
Sorry we late.

219
00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:34,607
Shore didn't mean
to sneak up on ya, sir.

220
00:10:34,642 --> 00:10:36,776
Look, fellas,
we're trying to have

221
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:38,393
a nice, little Civil War
reenactment here.

222
00:10:38,411 --> 00:10:39,379
We don't want any trouble.

223
00:10:39,413 --> 00:10:40,947
So are we, sir.

224
00:10:40,982 --> 00:10:44,217
We-- we-- we trying to have
a real nice reenactment.

225
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:47,954
We certainly don't wanna cause
any trouble either.

226
00:10:47,988 --> 00:10:49,155
Do we, Sam?

227
00:10:49,189 --> 00:10:51,624
You always taught us

228
00:10:51,658 --> 00:10:56,629
trouble only comes to those
who gone done lookin' for it.

229
00:10:56,663 --> 00:10:58,231
So don't stop your speechin'
on our account.

230
00:10:58,265 --> 00:11:00,233
(giggles)

231
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:04,070
As Jefferson Da-- Okay, I know
what you're doing. I get it.

232
00:11:04,104 --> 00:11:06,606
What we doin', sir?

233
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,174
I don't know
what you talkin' 'bout.

234
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,810
Do you know
what he talkin' 'bout, Sam?

235
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:14,247
Why, we just here
to slave on about,

236
00:11:14,281 --> 00:11:16,783
any ole which way
you want us to.

237
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,791
How many times
do I have to tell people,

238
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:21,321
just because we're dressed
like Confederate soldiers

239
00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:22,923
doesn't mean
we're pro slavery?

240
00:11:22,957 --> 00:11:25,125
We're just here to preserve

241
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:27,861
the pure and beautiful slice
of southern history.

242
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:31,364
Yeah, pure and beautiful...
slice.

243
00:11:31,398 --> 00:11:35,168
Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy!
We sorry, boss!

244
00:11:35,202 --> 00:11:37,503
Oh, we so sorry!

245
00:11:37,538 --> 00:11:40,640
Please don't
give us the whip.

246
00:11:40,674 --> 00:11:41,674
Okay, nobody's gonna whip
anybody, just stop it.

247
00:11:41,708 --> 00:11:43,209
Yeah, just stop it.

248
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:44,610
All right, fellas, just--
just ignore 'em.

249
00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:46,112
All right?

250
00:11:46,146 --> 00:11:48,481
Now, we're here
to preserve our way of life.

251
00:11:48,516 --> 00:11:51,117
- The South has a right to own--
- (both) ♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

252
00:11:51,151 --> 00:11:54,553
The South
has a way of life--

253
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,956
- (both) ♪ Oh, my Lord
- The Union cannot stop us fr--

254
00:11:56,990 --> 00:11:59,792
(both) ♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

255
00:11:59,826 --> 00:12:01,360
♪ Oh, my Lord...

256
00:12:01,395 --> 00:12:02,828
The Union Yankee bastards
cannot stop us--

257
00:12:02,863 --> 00:12:04,363
♪ Oh, Lord!

258
00:12:04,398 --> 00:12:06,165
All right, stop it!
Stop it! That's enough!

259
00:12:06,199 --> 00:12:07,333
You wanna be part of this
reenactment?

260
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,068
Fine.
You're part of it.

261
00:12:09,102 --> 00:12:10,970
Go-- Go fetch us some munitions
and everything else that--

262
00:12:11,004 --> 00:12:14,807
Don't just stand there
like a bunch of lazy [bleep].

263
00:12:14,842 --> 00:12:17,676
- That good enough for you?
- That is all I needed to hear.

264
00:12:17,711 --> 00:12:19,345
Gentlemen,
give us your cash

265
00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:21,180
and anything that is
an actual collector's item.

266
00:12:21,214 --> 00:12:22,982
You racist mother[bleep].

267
00:12:23,016 --> 00:12:25,218
Okay.
Don't have all day, man.

268
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:27,520
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.

269
00:12:27,554 --> 00:12:28,721
Wallets, wallets,
wallets, wallets.

270
00:12:28,755 --> 00:12:30,723
That's a very nice piece.

271
00:12:30,757 --> 00:12:33,059
These are heavy.

272
00:12:36,196 --> 00:12:40,199
(party noise, chatter)

273
00:12:45,238 --> 00:12:50,076
Apartheid is totally gnarly.
It's a gnarly institution.

274
00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:51,510
Where is the-- Dennis, Den--

275
00:12:51,545 --> 00:12:53,245
There we-- Come here.
Get this, get this.

276
00:12:53,279 --> 00:12:55,783
Okay, we-- we gotta have a system
in place to get everybody weed.

277
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,749
All right? So just watch--
This is how you're gonna do it.

278
00:12:57,784 --> 00:12:59,418
All right, this-- this is--

279
00:12:59,452 --> 00:13:01,721
I'm really [bleep] frosty
right now, by the way.

280
00:13:01,755 --> 00:13:03,923
This is your Constitution,
all right?

281
00:13:03,958 --> 00:13:05,058
It's just a piece of paper.

282
00:13:05,092 --> 00:13:06,727
We gotta keep its integrity,

283
00:13:06,761 --> 00:13:07,727
'cause it's gonna hold
everything together.

284
00:13:07,762 --> 00:13:09,563
This right here...

285
00:13:09,597 --> 00:13:11,131
This is us.
This is the American people.

286
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:15,235
We're special. We're magic.
Whoa, yay, we all live in here.

287
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:16,636
All right,
the most important thing

288
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,405
is that we don't
get too far apart.

289
00:13:18,439 --> 00:13:20,039
Me and you, we--
we gotta be close.

290
00:13:20,074 --> 00:13:22,075
that's--that's the magic
of America is love.

291
00:13:22,109 --> 00:13:24,044
Otherwise, you're gonna
get air bubbles in there.

292
00:13:24,078 --> 00:13:25,579
It's gonna start
canoeing and everything.

293
00:13:25,613 --> 00:13:27,080
We don't want that,
All right? You get that?

294
00:13:27,115 --> 00:13:28,949
All right, look.

295
00:13:28,983 --> 00:13:31,218
I'm way ahead of you, bro.
I'm already done.

296
00:13:31,252 --> 00:13:33,654
Boom, fireworks.
Fourth of July. That's for you.

297
00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,089
We want like
a ton of these.

298
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:40,094
Oh, my God,
I'm so [bleep] blazed.

299
00:13:40,894 --> 00:13:42,689
I'm so [bleep] high.

300
00:13:43,332 --> 00:13:45,867
Oh, [bleep].
What was I saying?

301
00:13:48,019 --> 00:13:49,665
(soul music)

302
00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:51,333
Well, I just want
to talk about, real quick--

303
00:13:51,341 --> 00:13:52,456
I just want to talk
about the fact

304
00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:56,232
that reality shows-- they always
have to have a British judge.

305
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:57,454
Yes. Yes!

306
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:58,722
What the [bleep]
is that about?

307
00:13:58,756 --> 00:13:59,744
Why? Why--

308
00:13:59,908 --> 00:14:02,338
are we so obsessed
with the Revolutionary War

309
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:05,520
That we need a fobbish Brit
judging us every fu--

310
00:14:05,543 --> 00:14:06,929
to tell us
what's right and wrong?

311
00:14:06,964 --> 00:14:08,364
What the [bleep] is that?

312
00:14:08,398 --> 00:14:10,433
I mean, that's a lo--
Hundreds.

313
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,934
We're talking
about the 18th century.

314
00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:13,469
Looking down their no--
We won that war!

315
00:14:13,503 --> 00:14:16,706
- Why are they-- Why are they here?
- (laughs)

316
00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:18,875
Why do they own
all of our television shows?

317
00:14:18,909 --> 00:14:20,443
I know, I know.

318
00:14:20,477 --> 00:14:22,579
And-- and-- and I know--
I know that there's--

319
00:14:22,613 --> 00:14:25,615
there's gotta be at least
one woman in this room

320
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:28,051
who had sex with a British guy
because of the way he talks.

321
00:14:28,085 --> 00:14:30,387
Is that-- Are you out--
She's right in front of us.

322
00:14:30,421 --> 00:14:32,055
She's right--

323
00:14:32,089 --> 00:14:34,257
She ma-- You ma--
There he is, he's right there!

324
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:37,661
It's happening right here!
But I mean...

325
00:14:37,695 --> 00:14:39,996
I don't see any British teeth
in this situation.

326
00:14:40,031 --> 00:14:42,132
They just-- They look great.
(audience "ohs")

327
00:14:42,166 --> 00:14:44,034
They look great.
They look great!

328
00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:49,155
(electronic music)

329
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:52,492
We met B-Boy Joseph
in Atlanta, G.A.

330
00:14:52,526 --> 00:14:53,960
Hi, Joseph.

331
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,761
(British accent)
All right. Yeah.

332
00:14:55,796 --> 00:14:57,096
Start the music.

333
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,098
(hip-hop music)

334
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:06,003
♪

335
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:08,473
Has he started yet?

336
00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:10,810
I think--
I'm pretty sure this is it.

337
00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:18,851
♪

338
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,922
Thank you.

339
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,658
- Yeah, thank you.
- I ain't done yet, though.

340
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,126
- Thank you, Joseph.

341
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,994
It's--it's
definitely a no for me.

342
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:31,863
It's a no. I'm sorry.

343
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:33,264
No.

344
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,800
All right.
Thank you, Joseph.

345
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,886
Guys, you-- you know,

346
00:15:39,903 --> 00:15:41,641
I ain't got no formal trainin'
or nothin' like that.

347
00:15:41,675 --> 00:15:43,375
I live on the streets.

348
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,644
That was very apparent,
as it turns out, Joseph.

349
00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,251
Thank you for coming.

350
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:50,116
Y-You know that my mama's
on drugs, and my daddy in jail.

351
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:53,118
It's not--
not really relevant.

352
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,587
Born in a coffee can
under a bridge.

353
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,288
That's terrible, Joseph.

354
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,691
That's-- That's awful,
but it's not going to--

355
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,060
My sister shot my brother
while my cousin beat my uncle.

356
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,395
- Now it's a lie.
- It's a little bit much.

357
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,864
Joseph, thank you
very much, but--

358
00:16:04,898 --> 00:16:06,082
Put myself through school

359
00:16:06,121 --> 00:16:08,656
by renting my body out
as a heroin suitcase.

360
00:16:08,670 --> 00:16:10,192
- All right, I see what's going on.
- Wow.

361
00:16:10,293 --> 00:16:13,095
Joseph, please, we--we do have
other dancers here today,

362
00:16:13,145 --> 00:16:14,915
who are waiting their turn
very politely.

363
00:16:14,931 --> 00:16:16,442
No, Joseph,
let her come onstage.

364
00:16:16,477 --> 00:16:18,644
- Oh! Oh!
- Let her come-- No, Joseph.

365
00:16:18,658 --> 00:16:20,657
If I win this competition, I
could put a roof over my house.

366
00:16:20,695 --> 00:16:22,529
'cause I got a house ain't
got no roof. For real, though.

367
00:16:22,563 --> 00:16:23,863
Joseph...

368
00:16:23,877 --> 00:16:24,844
Just one little thing, though.

369
00:16:24,838 --> 00:16:26,398
Don't do it, Joseph.

370
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:28,619
- It was a loud bridge.
- Don't finish that sen--

371
00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:29,819
I got hearing damage
in this ear.

372
00:16:29,854 --> 00:16:30,820
- Joseph!
- And also in this ear.

373
00:16:30,854 --> 00:16:32,255
Joseph!

374
00:16:32,289 --> 00:16:33,588
The bridge had--
had trucks go over it.

375
00:16:33,642 --> 00:16:34,442
- Joseph.
- 'cause the bridge--

376
00:16:34,464 --> 00:16:35,930
- Keep it.
- 15-ton--

377
00:16:35,964 --> 00:16:37,430
Hold it.

378
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:40,393
Put it in your mouth.
And get off my stage.

379
00:16:40,425 --> 00:16:41,575
Ra-- rated six.

380
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:43,067
- Joe...
- That's a big truck.

381
00:16:43,111 --> 00:16:45,345
...seph.
Okay, Joseph, please.

382
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,581
And who is this?

383
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:48,726
Oh, who is this
right here?

384
00:16:48,794 --> 00:16:51,005
This is my 12-year-old daughter,
who I raised all by myself

385
00:16:51,018 --> 00:16:52,820
without the help of anybody else
in the entire world.

386
00:16:52,854 --> 00:16:54,084
She is my inspiration.

387
00:16:54,148 --> 00:16:55,654
Joseph,
it doesn't matter.

388
00:16:55,688 --> 00:16:57,723
There's nothing
you can do or say

389
00:16:57,742 --> 00:17:00,058
that's going to make us
change our minds today.

390
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,561
That right there, that right
there, that's her daughter.

391
00:17:01,596 --> 00:17:03,590
She blind.
Come on.

392
00:17:03,612 --> 00:17:04,840
(gasps)

393
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:09,002
So I raised them both by myself
without nobody else's help.

394
00:17:09,036 --> 00:17:11,438
Come get
your ticket to Vegas.

395
00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:13,840
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

396
00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:15,809
- Vegas!
- Can you believe it?

397
00:17:15,843 --> 00:17:18,845
I'm getting goosies over here.
I'm getting goosies. I-I am.

398
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:21,942
(soul music)

399
00:17:22,322 --> 00:17:24,290
- You're an athletic guy.
- I do like to--

400
00:17:24,324 --> 00:17:26,125
I like to, uh,
dabble in the athleticals.

401
00:17:26,159 --> 00:17:28,527
You were-- I mean...
(laughter)

402
00:17:28,561 --> 00:17:30,229
"athleticals."
What the [bleep] is--

403
00:17:30,263 --> 00:17:32,064
(English accent) played
a little football in my day.

404
00:17:32,099 --> 00:17:34,567
Do not play Scrabble
with this guy.

405
00:17:34,602 --> 00:17:36,202
- He will just make [bleep] up.
- Yeah.

406
00:17:36,237 --> 00:17:38,572
The athleticals.
I also hurdle, or hurdled.

407
00:17:38,606 --> 00:17:40,107
- Oh, you got the hurdle on?
- Yup, yup.

408
00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:42,252
You know the hurdle le--
I was teaching the hurdle.

409
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:43,810
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's all about the lead leg.

410
00:17:43,844 --> 00:17:45,111
- Lead leg.
- Okay, now, now, now...

411
00:17:45,146 --> 00:17:46,780
- Too much energ--
- Lead leg, lead leg.

412
00:17:46,814 --> 00:17:48,748
- No, too much energy.
- And then you got-- you got...

413
00:17:48,783 --> 00:17:50,784
- Trail leg, trail leg.
- Oh, boy.

414
00:17:50,818 --> 00:17:53,386
Because a hurdle's not a jump.
Hurdle is not jumping.

415
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,054
- No more.
- Hurdling is--

416
00:17:55,089 --> 00:17:56,890
It's exaggerated walking.
It's not jumping.

417
00:17:56,924 --> 00:17:59,826
You get the lead leg going,
and then-- (grunts) trail leg.

418
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:03,630
You gotta pull it over.
(cheers and applause)

419
00:18:03,664 --> 00:18:04,731
- All right.
- Lead leg.

420
00:18:04,765 --> 00:18:06,099
Check this out.

421
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:07,517
You really only
wanna take three steps.

422
00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:09,502
One, two, three, and jump.
One, two, three, lead leg.

423
00:18:09,537 --> 00:18:12,072
All right, check this out.
Check this out. Check this out.

424
00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:15,074
(laughter)

425
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:18,937
What a mind-blowing finish
to an incredible game tonight,

426
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,841
with Charlie Sanders
winning the game

427
00:18:21,875 --> 00:18:24,410
in literally
the last second.

428
00:18:24,444 --> 00:18:26,112
Unbelievable,
Truly spectacular.

429
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:27,947
Charlie Sanders,
how does it feel?

430
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,350
Hey, yo, I wanna say somethin'
to everybody watchin'.

431
00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:33,153
Yo, you can do anything!
Anything's possible!

432
00:18:33,187 --> 00:18:34,654
The world is yours!

433
00:18:34,689 --> 00:18:36,122
And Charlie,
did you think that that game

434
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,791
was gonna end
that way tonight?

435
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,160
Yo, there are no limits,
all right?

436
00:18:40,195 --> 00:18:42,362
You can swim
across the Atlantic.

437
00:18:42,397 --> 00:18:44,431
You can jump real high
and touch the Moon!

438
00:18:44,465 --> 00:18:48,334
Fantastic. Charlie Sanders,
Fresh off of his, uh, victory.

439
00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:50,369
I just feel like he's ready
to touch the Moon.

440
00:18:50,403 --> 00:18:53,639
I can fly!
Anybody can fly!

441
00:18:53,673 --> 00:18:55,140
If you believe in yourself

442
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,009
the way I believe
in myself tonight,

443
00:18:57,043 --> 00:18:59,011
you will fly!

444
00:18:59,045 --> 00:19:01,147
And what's next for Charlie
Sanders and the orange--

445
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:04,183
Kids,
you can actually fly!

446
00:19:04,217 --> 00:19:05,684
No-- No, not--
oh, not literally, of course.

447
00:19:05,718 --> 00:19:07,685
Yes! Literally! Kids!

448
00:19:07,719 --> 00:19:10,822
Young kids, I want you to go
up on your roofs right now!

449
00:19:10,856 --> 00:19:13,191
- Wait, what?
- Fly into the night sky!

450
00:19:13,225 --> 00:19:15,159
- Okay.
- People will see you flying!

451
00:19:15,194 --> 00:19:17,962
And then you can do anything!
You can do anything!

452
00:19:17,997 --> 00:19:20,331
Okay, well, we-- we-- we--
we just want to remind the kids

453
00:19:20,366 --> 00:19:22,700
that of course,
you cannot actually fly, kids.

454
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:24,502
Yo, screw that
negativity, man!

455
00:19:24,536 --> 00:19:27,871
Hey, boys and girls,
ages 8 through 12!

456
00:19:27,906 --> 00:19:31,575
Yo, don't let nobody ever tell
you what you can and cannot do!

457
00:19:31,610 --> 00:19:35,012
All the preteen children
out there, listen to my voice!

458
00:19:35,047 --> 00:19:37,482
You are immortal!

459
00:19:37,516 --> 00:19:39,484
Okay, well, obviously,
we understand that Charlie...

460
00:19:39,518 --> 00:19:41,586
- (groaning, shouting)
- is super excited right now,

461
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:44,689
and that no one is actually
immortal, nobody at all.

462
00:19:44,723 --> 00:19:46,023
Hey, kids!

463
00:19:46,057 --> 00:19:47,992
You can turn yourself
into a car

464
00:19:48,026 --> 00:19:50,860
and have a friend
drive you onto the freeway!

465
00:19:50,895 --> 00:19:52,195
Okay, no-- Well, that's
just a metaphor, kids.

466
00:19:52,229 --> 00:19:53,763
- It's not!
- Just a metaphor--

467
00:19:53,798 --> 00:19:56,032
You still have the power
of childish innocence!

468
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:57,868
Get a friend on your back,

469
00:19:57,902 --> 00:20:01,238
and make a beeline for the next
ramp to the freeway, y'all!

470
00:20:01,272 --> 00:20:02,606
- Okay, don't do any--
- To the freeway!

471
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,508
He's speaking
figuratively, folks.

472
00:20:04,542 --> 00:20:07,445
Once you get there, ain't
nothing figurative about this!

473
00:20:07,479 --> 00:20:10,081
You will turn into a robot!

474
00:20:10,115 --> 00:20:12,516
First and foremost,
I just want to say

475
00:20:12,550 --> 00:20:17,053
to all the families
who lost children, I'm sorry.

476
00:20:17,087 --> 00:20:20,023
My statements
were irresponsible.

477
00:20:20,057 --> 00:20:22,526
I have subsequently
looked up

478
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,597
the terms "literally"
and "metaphorically,"

479
00:20:26,631 --> 00:20:30,568
and found that whereas
I was not incorrect,

480
00:20:30,602 --> 00:20:33,070
they did not mean
what I thought they meant.

481
00:20:33,104 --> 00:20:34,297
(applause)

482
00:20:34,373 --> 00:20:36,073
But-- And that-- You know
another thing I love?

483
00:20:36,107 --> 00:20:39,610
I love-- I love--
no athlete ever thanks his dad.

484
00:20:39,644 --> 00:20:40,587
- (laughs)
- No.

485
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:42,493
Mom, I love you!
I love you, ma!

486
00:20:42,552 --> 00:20:43,719
Mom, I love you, man!

487
00:20:43,778 --> 00:20:44,863
Dad, where the [bleep]
were ya?

488
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:47,335
Where are you, dad?
(laughter, applause)

489
00:20:47,369 --> 00:20:49,130
All right, ladies and
gentlemen, thank you very much.

490
00:20:49,189 --> 00:20:50,222
Thank you so much
for coming.

491
00:20:50,257 --> 00:20:52,558
(cheers and applause)

492
00:20:52,592 --> 00:20:54,123
(soul music)

493
00:20:54,116 --> 00:20:57,086
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here

494
00:20:57,288 --> 00:20:58,888
Oh, yeah.

495
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,160
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

495
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:10,575
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