1 00:00:01,283 --> 00:00:03,795 (soul music) (springs bouncing) 2 00:00:09,684 --> 00:00:11,684 (breathing heavily) 3 00:00:15,462 --> 00:00:17,646 (snaps fingers) Bro. 4 00:00:18,475 --> 00:00:19,904 What? 5 00:00:23,355 --> 00:00:26,617 Yeah. [bleep] yeah, bro. 6 00:00:26,649 --> 00:00:29,202 - How awesome is this? - It's cool. 7 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,196 [bleep] yeah, it is. 8 00:00:34,177 --> 00:00:36,862 Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Yeah. 9 00:00:37,362 --> 00:00:39,818 Dude... Synchronize. Synchronize. 10 00:00:39,929 --> 00:00:43,145 Yeah, there it is. Now we're doing it. 11 00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:46,179 Now we're doing it. Now we're doing it. 12 00:00:46,651 --> 00:00:49,840 ♪ Doing it with my bro Doing it with my bro ♪ 13 00:00:50,206 --> 00:00:53,882 ♪ I love every second Of doing it with my bro ♪ 14 00:00:53,997 --> 00:00:57,573 - It's... It's pretty awesome. - Can you believe it? 15 00:00:57,651 --> 00:00:59,651 Can you just...? 16 00:01:00,426 --> 00:01:04,018 Yo. Yo. Right there, man. Just give me five, man. 17 00:01:04,135 --> 00:01:06,575 (sighs) Give me five, bro. 18 00:01:07,322 --> 00:01:10,269 Come on, that's [bleep] pussy[bleep]. Come on. 19 00:01:10,329 --> 00:01:12,329 (sighs) Come on. 20 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:14,334 - Oh, you're with me now. - You know... 21 00:01:14,394 --> 00:01:16,394 - You are with me now. - That's disturbing. 22 00:01:16,454 --> 00:01:18,560 Keep 'em locked. Keep 'em locked. 23 00:01:20,794 --> 00:01:22,574 - Mm-mm. - Give it back 24 00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,881 Get your... Get... 25 00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:27,887 Aah! Oh! (groans) 26 00:01:29,227 --> 00:01:31,480 Dude ! How we gonna break the world record 27 00:01:31,568 --> 00:01:33,568 if you can't keep it up? 28 00:01:34,535 --> 00:01:36,535 (soul music) 29 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:44,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 30 00:01:48,962 --> 00:01:52,068 Sync & correction by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 31 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,200 (cheers and applause) 32 00:01:58,987 --> 00:02:00,987 Lock it. 33 00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:04,914 Keep it locked. Keep it locked. 34 00:02:05,414 --> 00:02:07,414 (laughs) 35 00:02:08,435 --> 00:02:11,632 - Ew! Shame on you! - Shame on you! 36 00:02:11,830 --> 00:02:13,830 - Shame on all of you! - Shame on you! 37 00:02:13,945 --> 00:02:15,945 (laughs) 38 00:02:16,472 --> 00:02:19,892 Thanks and welcome to the show I am Keegan-Michael Key. 39 00:02:19,953 --> 00:02:21,953 - I am Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 40 00:02:21,986 --> 00:02:23,986 So thank you for coming. (cheers and applause) 41 00:02:27,838 --> 00:02:30,172 I see race in just about... in everything. 42 00:02:30,228 --> 00:02:32,456 - Mm-hm. - Like, I just... I just do that. 43 00:02:32,470 --> 00:02:34,902 Like, if somebody asks, "You want cream in your coffee?" "Why?" 44 00:02:34,962 --> 00:02:37,835 - Yeah. Yeah. - "Why, mother[bleep]? Why would I?" 45 00:02:38,746 --> 00:02:40,746 You ever have a white dude come up to you talking about, 46 00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:42,834 "Hey, man, dude, I know. 47 00:02:43,087 --> 00:02:45,087 "King Kong? That [bleep] is racist." 48 00:02:45,971 --> 00:02:47,505 - Have you had this? - I've had that. 49 00:02:47,511 --> 00:02:49,511 Dude, I was like, "What? Is it racist? I don't even think..." 50 00:02:49,543 --> 00:02:52,239 He's like, "Think about it, man. It's a bunch of white dudes 51 00:02:52,299 --> 00:02:54,661 that go to an island, all these aborigines..." 52 00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:56,744 - I'm like, "Okay." - All right, I'm with you so far, yeah. 53 00:02:57,986 --> 00:02:59,756 "Then a big black gorilla comes 54 00:02:59,827 --> 00:03:02,078 "and starts [bleep] around with white girls in New York." 55 00:03:02,166 --> 00:03:04,038 "Whoa! What the [bleep]? 56 00:03:04,869 --> 00:03:07,206 "That's your [bleep], man! What? 57 00:03:08,424 --> 00:03:10,424 "You're racist, bitch! What the..." 58 00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:14,929 Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother 59 00:03:14,957 --> 00:03:17,716 - move into the neighborhood. - Hey man, it's good to have you over. 60 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,965 And I think that you will dig this. 61 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:22,076 All right! 62 00:03:22,576 --> 00:03:24,576 - Hey! - Huh? 63 00:03:24,882 --> 00:03:27,248 - Nice guitar collection. - Oh, thanks, man. 64 00:03:27,359 --> 00:03:29,816 - Hey, you wanna hear something? - Yeah, sure. 65 00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:32,327 All right, all right. All right, let's get this started. 66 00:03:32,327 --> 00:03:34,327 Let's get this started. (playing guitar) 67 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,449 ♪ Well, I'm just a good old American boy ♪ 68 00:03:38,528 --> 00:03:41,507 ♪ With a heart that's red, white, and true ♪ 69 00:03:42,836 --> 00:03:45,768 ♪ I'm dreamin' of a girl with the red hair and freckles ♪ 70 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:48,172 ♪ And her eyes like the skies of blue ♪ 71 00:03:48,977 --> 00:03:51,278 - Country music. - Yeah, I grew up in Texas. 72 00:03:51,334 --> 00:03:53,137 - You know, so... - All right. 73 00:03:53,415 --> 00:03:56,415 ♪ Keep her safe from the homies in the wrong side of town ♪ 74 00:04:04,486 --> 00:04:07,644 ♪ 'cause that's the American way ♪ 75 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,364 - Woo-hoo! (laughs) - Whoas. 76 00:04:13,392 --> 00:04:15,392 Pretty racist song. (both laugh) 77 00:04:15,643 --> 00:04:17,232 Racist? Against who? 78 00:04:17,954 --> 00:04:22,018 - Black people. - Black people? But I'm black. (laughs) 79 00:04:22,148 --> 00:04:25,366 Well, "keeping the redheaded girl away from the homies 80 00:04:25,426 --> 00:04:27,426 - "on the wrong side of town"? - Homies? 81 00:04:27,482 --> 00:04:29,315 Come on, brother. There's all kinds of homies. 82 00:04:29,398 --> 00:04:31,815 You know, white homies, Asian homies... 83 00:04:32,926 --> 00:04:34,537 No, homies are black. 84 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:37,889 No, I think you're making them black. I think that's your stuff. 85 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:41,599 You hear the twang, and then you assume that it's racist. 86 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,043 But that's just what country music is like. 87 00:04:44,349 --> 00:04:46,599 Hey, look, you're gonna love this one. You'll like this one. 88 00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:47,579 All right. 89 00:04:47,885 --> 00:04:49,527 (playing guitar) 90 00:04:50,055 --> 00:04:53,194 ♪ Some folks wear their hats way off to the side ♪ 91 00:04:53,194 --> 00:04:55,778 ♪ With their pants down low and a gun tucked inside ♪ 92 00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,760 ♪ Take their beer by the 40 and their chicken deep-fried ♪ 93 00:04:58,817 --> 00:05:02,081 ♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪ 94 00:05:03,414 --> 00:05:06,560 ♪ The only dark I like is when I turn off the lights ♪ 95 00:05:06,588 --> 00:05:09,475 ♪ The only hood I love is pointy and white ♪ 96 00:05:09,531 --> 00:05:12,433 ♪ Can't trust you if I can't see your face at night ♪ 97 00:05:12,516 --> 00:05:14,955 ♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪ 98 00:05:15,512 --> 00:05:18,901 All right, wait. Hey! Stop that. That's racist. 99 00:05:19,151 --> 00:05:20,820 What's what? What is racist about it? 100 00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:23,892 "The only hood I love is pointy and white"? 101 00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:26,812 - Yeah, man. - That's talking about the Klan, man. 102 00:05:27,590 --> 00:05:31,395 The Ku Klux Klan? Are you outside of your mind? 103 00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:34,214 That's traditional country music imagery, man. 104 00:05:34,242 --> 00:05:36,742 Like a pick-up truck, or sleeping under the stars, 105 00:05:37,048 --> 00:05:39,652 or your dog got killed, or your wife left you. Same thing! 106 00:05:39,791 --> 00:05:42,069 I would have been fine with any of those things. 107 00:05:42,146 --> 00:05:44,597 What is the difference between those things and what is in the song? 108 00:05:44,652 --> 00:05:45,881 They're not racial. 109 00:05:45,964 --> 00:05:48,728 Hey, you know what? Can I just say something, man. I'm just gonna be frank. 110 00:05:49,728 --> 00:05:52,059 You're getting a little, like, Al Sharpton, like... 111 00:05:52,115 --> 00:05:54,115 - Oh, my... - Farrakhan on me right now. 112 00:05:54,143 --> 00:05:56,143 Oh, my God. Are you serious? 113 00:05:56,171 --> 00:05:58,878 Yo, dude, dude, please. Hey, can I do one more? 114 00:05:58,961 --> 00:06:00,454 Let me just do one more, dog. 115 00:06:00,673 --> 00:06:03,429 I absolutely promise you that this song 116 00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:04,954 is not racist, 117 00:06:05,148 --> 00:06:08,594 and it's impossible for you to misinterpret it as such. 118 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:13,876 Okay, it seems like you're about to sing the most racist song so far. 119 00:06:14,043 --> 00:06:15,098 I'm not. 120 00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:19,549 ♪ Hidey-lidey-lidey-lidey-lee ♪ 121 00:06:19,632 --> 00:06:22,025 ♪ Get me a rope and find me a tree ♪ 122 00:06:22,303 --> 00:06:23,965 Okay, I'm out. 123 00:06:25,159 --> 00:06:27,159 Come on, man. Hey! Shoot. 124 00:06:27,659 --> 00:06:29,965 I'm over here trying to sing about a tire swing. 125 00:06:31,631 --> 00:06:33,492 Gonna write off an entire genre of music. 126 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,460 (playing guitar) 127 00:06:35,488 --> 00:06:39,155 ♪ The banjos are strumming, and the drums are a-bangin' ♪ 128 00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:42,994 ♪ Let's get the boys together and have ourselves a hangin' ♪ 129 00:06:43,021 --> 00:06:44,678 Oh, damn. 130 00:06:44,928 --> 00:06:48,902 Now I see it. Now I see it. 131 00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:52,208 (Hail to the Chief plays) 132 00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:53,822 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 133 00:06:53,850 --> 00:06:56,141 With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther. 134 00:06:56,197 --> 00:06:58,530 - Hi. - Now, after the last debate, 135 00:06:58,641 --> 00:07:01,898 I was criticized for... not showing enough emotion. 136 00:07:02,036 --> 00:07:05,253 I should've been on that stage! Oh, my God! Mitt! 137 00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:08,947 If I was a Siberian tiger, your ass would've been Roy! 138 00:07:08,975 --> 00:07:10,558 Str-r-aight up! 139 00:07:10,725 --> 00:07:12,939 I was faulted for a lack of 140 00:07:13,022 --> 00:07:16,515 "pithy retorts" or "zingers." 141 00:07:16,709 --> 00:07:18,281 But we can do better than that. 142 00:07:18,475 --> 00:07:22,113 Witty responses are not going to resolve this nation's deficit. 143 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,805 How you gonna fire Sesame Street? 144 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:28,475 One of these mother[bleep] already lives in a trash can! Zing! 145 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,756 And a one-liner is not going to solve 146 00:07:30,812 --> 00:07:32,446 the problems we have with our tax code, 147 00:07:32,446 --> 00:07:35,966 which my opponent seems to have entirely changed his position on. 148 00:07:36,049 --> 00:07:39,284 This mother[bleep] gets more reboots than Spider-Man! 149 00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:40,969 And boom, goes the dynamite. 150 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,166 I look forward to a debate based on substance, 151 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:46,722 - not on zingers. - I got a Mormon zinger! 152 00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,607 "Take my wives, please!" 153 00:07:48,663 --> 00:07:51,550 Ooh-ho-ho, [bleep]! I said "wives." 154 00:07:51,606 --> 00:07:53,268 Thank you, and good night. 155 00:07:53,379 --> 00:07:56,016 This message brought to you by the letter "Suck my" 156 00:07:56,016 --> 00:07:57,959 and the number "[bleep]." 157 00:07:57,987 --> 00:07:59,987 (Both) Ohh! 158 00:08:00,903 --> 00:08:02,903 (laughs) Snap, America. 159 00:08:03,403 --> 00:08:04,950 Snap, indeed. 160 00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:10,676 All right, he knows I won't get dogs because it's basically like, it's like 161 00:08:10,898 --> 00:08:13,212 - buying a new grandparent. - Mm-hm. 162 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,268 You know, you have to... you gotta feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks. 163 00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:19,965 They will look at you in the eyes while they're pooping. 164 00:08:23,188 --> 00:08:25,188 - I'm with you. - They drool, you know. 165 00:08:26,049 --> 00:08:28,049 [bleep] forgetful as [bleep]. 166 00:08:29,854 --> 00:08:33,086 All my dogs are shelter dogs because purebread dogs 167 00:08:33,114 --> 00:08:34,475 are stupid. 168 00:08:34,531 --> 00:08:35,370 Yeah? 169 00:08:35,413 --> 00:08:38,999 When you mix them, you get a thing that's commonly known as hybrid vigor. 170 00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:42,554 And what happens is all the best qualities of both dogs 171 00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:45,945 go into the one dog. Much like interracial people. 172 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:48,084 (hisses, cheers and applause) 173 00:08:51,663 --> 00:08:53,528 (rapping) Representing hybrid vigor. 174 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,065 (laughs) 175 00:08:55,065 --> 00:08:56,621 That should be our rap group right there. 176 00:08:56,649 --> 00:08:58,271 We should be "Hybrid Vigor." 177 00:08:58,299 --> 00:09:01,556 (rapping) Hybrid vigor from a couple of hybrid [bleep]. 178 00:09:01,612 --> 00:09:04,035 (laughs) Let's get hard. 179 00:09:08,539 --> 00:09:10,229 - Hey, babe. - Hi. 180 00:09:10,645 --> 00:09:13,763 Um, I made a really big decision without consulting you. 181 00:09:13,874 --> 00:09:18,244 I went by a puppy rescue stand 182 00:09:18,299 --> 00:09:20,076 on University Avenue. 183 00:09:20,132 --> 00:09:22,019 I had to. I had to. 184 00:09:22,075 --> 00:09:24,568 - You got us a dog? - Yeah, I did. 185 00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,651 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 186 00:09:27,929 --> 00:09:29,846 So, honey, I've gotta tell you something, okay? 187 00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:32,717 These rescue dogs have had some tough situations. 188 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,410 - Oh. - And a lot of them take on 189 00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:36,910 the personality of their owners. 190 00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:40,945 was owned by rapper Ice-T. 191 00:09:42,473 --> 00:09:44,473 - All right, little buddy, come on out. - Aww. 192 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,223 (gasps) 193 00:09:48,307 --> 00:09:52,107 Oh, hello, my little darling. Oh! 194 00:09:52,266 --> 00:09:56,019 Man, [bleep] you. You, thuck my [bleep]. 195 00:09:56,519 --> 00:09:57,870 Thith house ain't [bleep]. 196 00:09:57,981 --> 00:09:59,785 Okay, buddy, take it easy. 197 00:09:59,813 --> 00:10:01,813 - A little testy. - [bleep] you, [bleep]. 198 00:10:02,091 --> 00:10:04,091 Nothin' ever been eathy for me in my life. 199 00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:05,675 Now, hook me up with a treat. 200 00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,477 - You want a treat, buddy? - You want a treat? 201 00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:09,674 Is that what you want? Here we go, sweetie. Here we go. 202 00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:13,029 Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass treat right there. 203 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,347 - Now give me the whole bag. - Okay, one treat is enough. 204 00:10:16,377 --> 00:10:18,377 Bitch, was I talking to you? 205 00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:22,097 Give me the whole bag of treats 'cause I'm a treat killer 206 00:10:22,131 --> 00:10:24,375 and a mother[bleep] handful. 207 00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:27,682 - Somebody's grumpy today. - Grumpy-wumpy. 208 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,945 Lay my ass right up on this comfortable-ass thofa. 209 00:10:31,058 --> 00:10:34,196 (laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch too, as a matter of fact. 210 00:10:34,309 --> 00:10:36,309 And you know what, mother[bleep] and bitch? 211 00:10:36,394 --> 00:10:38,972 - I'm gonna pith and [bip] up here too. - No! Oh, no! No, no, no! 212 00:10:39,002 --> 00:10:41,478 [bleep] you, man. Raise your hand at me. 213 00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:45,617 Okay, um, I've got something for you, little guy. 214 00:10:46,117 --> 00:10:49,649 Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh? 215 00:10:49,651 --> 00:10:51,316 - Get that ball. - [bleep] you! 216 00:10:51,373 --> 00:10:53,373 Both y'all condescending mother[bleep] 217 00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:55,828 I ain't your entertainment, bitch. So [bleep] you! 218 00:10:55,996 --> 00:10:57,342 (bell ringing) 219 00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,399 - Oh! - Get the door, okay? 220 00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,835 Well, hello. Who is this? 221 00:11:04,114 --> 00:11:06,308 Come on, Coco, don't worry about these mother[bleep]. 222 00:11:06,670 --> 00:11:07,969 That'th my bitch Coco. 223 00:11:08,082 --> 00:11:10,584 Oh, I forgot to tell y'all, she's gonna be living here too. 224 00:11:10,724 --> 00:11:13,004 Wow, okay, you got your little friend here. 225 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,589 - Yeah... - Yeah, well you can... 226 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,325 She can play here for a while, sure. 227 00:11:16,355 --> 00:11:17,658 - Puppy play date. - Yeah. 228 00:11:17,771 --> 00:11:19,913 Play date? We gonna have a [bleep] date. 229 00:11:19,998 --> 00:11:21,555 That's what we gonna have, bitch. 230 00:11:21,585 --> 00:11:23,004 Come here, bitch. (sniffing) 231 00:11:23,089 --> 00:11:25,089 - Oh, are you... - That's right 232 00:11:25,146 --> 00:11:26,593 (licking sounds) Oh, no, don't do that. 233 00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:28,650 - Yeah, that's my shih tzu. - Oh, dear. 234 00:11:28,707 --> 00:11:31,351 Get the [bleep] out of here. It's about to get graphic in this bitch! 235 00:11:31,463 --> 00:11:33,945 - Oh boy. (licking sounds) - How come you don't do that with me? 236 00:11:34,058 --> 00:11:35,639 - Honey, I told you. - He does it. 237 00:11:35,724 --> 00:11:37,641 I just want to keep this area clean. 238 00:11:38,556 --> 00:11:40,556 (electronic music) 239 00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:47,620 (Voice heavily processed) ♪ Baby, baby ♪ 240 00:11:48,009 --> 00:11:50,974 ♪ it looks like we're back together ♪ 241 00:11:51,721 --> 00:11:54,893 ♪ And it's like nothing had ever ♪ 242 00:11:55,836 --> 00:11:58,560 ♪ Torn us apart ♪ 243 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:02,443 ♪ Honey, honey ♪ 244 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:05,931 ♪ We'll let bygones be bygones ♪ 245 00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,586 ♪ Gonna have a fresh start ♪ 246 00:12:15,631 --> 00:12:18,304 ♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪ 247 00:12:19,828 --> 00:12:23,009 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪ 248 00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:27,267 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that hit that♪ 249 00:12:27,325 --> 00:12:29,690 ♪ And don't try to fight back ♪ 250 00:12:31,490 --> 00:12:33,125 ♪ Your feelings ♪ 251 00:12:33,707 --> 00:12:35,398 ♪ Sugar, sugar ♪ 252 00:12:35,899 --> 00:12:38,802 ♪ Just get into my car ♪ 253 00:12:39,856 --> 00:12:42,304 ♪ And I'll take you so far ♪ 254 00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:47,227 ♪ From where anyone can see ♪ 255 00:12:48,447 --> 00:12:50,694 ♪ Lover, lover ♪ 256 00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:53,702 ♪ Let's just walk and take it slow ♪ 257 00:12:54,284 --> 00:12:57,305 ♪ In crowded places so they'll know ♪ 258 00:12:58,358 --> 00:13:00,936 ♪ That you're back with me ♪ 259 00:13:03,788 --> 00:13:06,537 ♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪ 260 00:13:07,590 --> 00:13:10,770 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪ 261 00:13:10,883 --> 00:13:12,690 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit ♪ 262 00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,775 (buzzing, screaming) 263 00:13:22,439 --> 00:13:26,161 I'm sorry. It was an involutory reaction. 264 00:13:26,578 --> 00:13:28,209 (buzzing) 265 00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:41,827 We grew up in this area where... 266 00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:44,967 Okay, there was blaxploitation in the '70s, 267 00:13:45,052 --> 00:13:47,860 and then when I was growing up it got into this zone where, 268 00:13:47,917 --> 00:13:50,872 like, all of a sudden, the black guy wasn't the cool guy 269 00:13:50,957 --> 00:13:52,957 - in the action movie anymore. - Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 270 00:13:53,014 --> 00:13:56,239 All of a sudden it was, like, Mel Gibson was the [bleep] cool one. 271 00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:56,883 Right. 272 00:13:57,012 --> 00:13:59,030 And Danny Glover had to be like, you know... 273 00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:01,833 The fuddy-duddy family man, like "Get away from my daughter." 274 00:14:01,863 --> 00:14:03,135 - Right. - You know what I mean? 275 00:14:03,353 --> 00:14:04,729 Do you remember that Lethal Weapon? 276 00:14:04,786 --> 00:14:07,510 My man Mel Gibson would come in on Danny Glover 277 00:14:07,650 --> 00:14:09,650 and my man would be standing in the middle of the bathroom 278 00:14:09,735 --> 00:14:11,429 just embarrassing all black people. 279 00:14:11,516 --> 00:14:13,039 (grunting) 280 00:14:13,124 --> 00:14:14,441 That's right. 281 00:14:14,498 --> 00:14:16,442 (imitating Mel Gibson) Rodge, Rodge, what's going on? 282 00:14:16,472 --> 00:14:17,780 (imitating Danny Glover) Stay there. Stay there. 283 00:14:17,865 --> 00:14:19,552 Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge. What's going on? 284 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,562 Riggs, there's a bomb 285 00:14:22,758 --> 00:14:24,758 on my [bleep]. 286 00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:29,310 Gmail is what I'm on now. That's the uh... 287 00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:32,011 Okay, you get the most space for attachments. 288 00:14:32,507 --> 00:14:33,930 - Anyway. - Thank you. 289 00:14:34,042 --> 00:14:35,959 Feel free to hit me up if you remember that number 290 00:14:36,016 --> 00:14:37,703 I noticed you ain't write that down. 291 00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:43,050 Damn, damn, damn. That girl was fly, right? 292 00:14:43,107 --> 00:14:44,480 (scoffs) She all right. 293 00:14:44,514 --> 00:14:47,566 But did you see that Liam Neesons movie with them wolves, though? 294 00:14:47,706 --> 00:14:50,250 The one with them big-assed wolves and Liam Neesons in it? 295 00:14:50,309 --> 00:14:52,446 Man, Liam Neesons is my [bleep]! 296 00:14:52,586 --> 00:14:54,586 Oh, Liam Neesons straight jacked up them wolves, man. 297 00:14:54,671 --> 00:14:56,533 Man, he [bleep] them wolves up, man. 298 00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:57,392 - Yeah. - Shoot, man. 299 00:14:57,449 --> 00:14:59,427 Hey, and don't get even get me started on that one 300 00:14:59,457 --> 00:15:00,800 where they took his daughter. 301 00:15:00,885 --> 00:15:03,717 Straight Tooken, starring Liam Neesons! 302 00:15:03,747 --> 00:15:07,566 Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like, "I have a certain set of skills." 303 00:15:07,651 --> 00:15:09,143 Man, don't [bleep] with Liam Neesons! 304 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,029 No, don't even try and be Russian around Liam Neesons. 305 00:15:11,086 --> 00:15:13,057 - He'll take your arm and... (screams) - Put some fractures in it. 306 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,214 They killing him, man. And then... 307 00:15:15,299 --> 00:15:16,679 Oh, you see the second one, though? 308 00:15:16,739 --> 00:15:18,739 In the second one, the Russians come after him. 309 00:15:18,824 --> 00:15:20,487 And he [bleeps] them all up anyway. 310 00:15:20,517 --> 00:15:23,561 Tooken 2, starring the incomparable Liam Neesons. 311 00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:24,989 - Mm-hm. - That's my [bleep]. 312 00:15:25,019 --> 00:15:26,798 - What about Darkman, though? - No, uh. 313 00:15:27,243 --> 00:15:29,080 What about Liam Neesons in some Darkman, though? 314 00:15:29,193 --> 00:15:32,035 - No, man. [bleep]. - What about Darkman? 315 00:15:32,092 --> 00:15:34,371 When Liam Neesons' face was changing up, man? 316 00:15:34,484 --> 00:15:37,232 Homie was straight face-changing. 317 00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:39,770 Now that's just Liam Neesons acting right there, man. 318 00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:43,773 Straight up, I kid you not. Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons. 319 00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:47,320 Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like, Neesons already need to have a statue. 320 00:15:47,426 --> 00:15:49,426 - Liam Neesons ain't got no... - He ain't got no statue... 321 00:15:49,483 --> 00:15:51,040 He ain't got a statue. He ain't got a statue. 322 00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:53,104 No, no, no. 323 00:15:55,513 --> 00:15:58,183 The Oscar goes to Liam Neesons, Darkman. 324 00:15:58,268 --> 00:16:00,133 - [bleep] face was changing. - Mm-hm. Word! 325 00:16:00,179 --> 00:16:02,881 - How hard is that. - It ain't hard. It's not hard at all. 326 00:16:02,911 --> 00:16:04,632 - Damn! - It's stupid, man. 327 00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:06,330 Oh, oh! Battleship. 328 00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:08,470 Oooh! 329 00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:14,622 Bat-tle-ship. 330 00:16:15,122 --> 00:16:16,556 Oooh! 331 00:16:17,207 --> 00:16:19,840 - Battleship! - Oooh! Whoo! 332 00:16:19,956 --> 00:16:22,778 Liam Neesons straight killer a robot boat! 333 00:16:22,835 --> 00:16:25,645 Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit! 334 00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:27,336 Whoo! 335 00:16:27,642 --> 00:16:30,097 But do you know who I like as much as Neesons, though? 336 00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:32,210 (scoffs) As much as Neesons? Who? 337 00:16:32,378 --> 00:16:33,667 Bruce Willy. 338 00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:36,250 (screams) 339 00:16:40,097 --> 00:16:41,567 (screaming continues) 340 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:43,597 Bruce Willy is my [bleep]! 341 00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:47,529 But what if they made a movie with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy? 342 00:16:47,614 --> 00:16:49,252 (grunting) 343 00:16:49,724 --> 00:16:52,544 - Neesons and Willy? - Willy and Neesons. 344 00:16:52,546 --> 00:16:54,546 Harder, man. Harder! (grunting) 345 00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:56,659 (choking) That would be... 346 00:16:57,297 --> 00:17:00,071 (both) My sheeeeeeeee 347 00:17:02,092 --> 00:17:03,166 (boom) 348 00:17:04,192 --> 00:17:05,796 (laughter) 349 00:17:05,862 --> 00:17:07,862 - I don't know why. - Oh, man. 350 00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:09,805 Why do we love Liam Neeson so much? 351 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,734 Yo, you know what you gotta... [bleep] Schindler's List, mother[bleep], 352 00:17:12,819 --> 00:17:15,578 Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you what's off the hook, though, dog? 353 00:17:15,608 --> 00:17:18,225 Ethan Frome, that's my jam right there. 354 00:17:18,310 --> 00:17:20,086 You ain't gone to the movies unless you've seen Husbands and Wives. 355 00:17:20,586 --> 00:17:22,586 [bleep] Woody Allen, mother[bleep]. Woody Allen. 356 00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:28,489 So, Steve Jobs. this is like, the... 357 00:17:28,629 --> 00:17:30,629 We're right aroung the year anniversary of his death. 358 00:17:30,659 --> 00:17:32,355 - Mm-hm. - Pioneer. Technological pioneer. 359 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,948 - Can we agree on that? - Yes. 360 00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:39,509 Anybody lose their [bleep] iPad? You lost it? 361 00:17:39,954 --> 00:17:41,707 - I did. - Where did you lose it? 362 00:17:41,820 --> 00:17:42,866 Oakland, California. 363 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,429 - Oh, in Oakland. - In Oakland. Okay. 364 00:17:45,514 --> 00:17:47,514 Oh, so you're never getting it back then. (laughter) 365 00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,014 That's out of the question. 366 00:17:50,684 --> 00:17:53,371 My friend, you didn't lose it. Your ass got jacked, my friend. 367 00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:54,783 That's right. 368 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,427 Mr. Cook, you're almost up. Are you ready? 369 00:18:02,512 --> 00:18:04,400 - Good. I'm good. - Okay. 370 00:18:04,513 --> 00:18:06,461 Really gonna need you to stick to the script on this one. 371 00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:09,359 I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. 372 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,082 Please stop comparing me to Steve Jobs! 373 00:18:11,139 --> 00:18:13,554 No, but nobody's comparing you to Steve Jobs, okay? 374 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:15,363 We just want you to focus on the products. 375 00:18:15,476 --> 00:18:17,476 And please stick to the script. Okay. 376 00:18:17,588 --> 00:18:19,069 You're on in three... 377 00:18:19,092 --> 00:18:21,543 They're gonna forget they ever heard the name "Steve Jobs". 378 00:18:22,679 --> 00:18:24,679 What up, Apple people? (cheers and applause) 379 00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:27,179 Yeah! 380 00:18:28,403 --> 00:18:29,375 Yeah! 381 00:18:30,261 --> 00:18:32,622 Well, now, the first thing that I'm gonna do 382 00:18:32,929 --> 00:18:35,807 is T.O.T.S. 383 00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:39,254 "Throw Out The Script." 384 00:18:39,426 --> 00:18:41,426 (cheers and applause) 385 00:18:41,926 --> 00:18:45,475 Now, I'm supposed to come out here 386 00:18:45,669 --> 00:18:49,300 and tell you about some bull[bleep] new iPhone, 387 00:18:49,385 --> 00:18:51,385 pad, dick, pussy [bleep]! 388 00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:53,470 You've seen it! (stammering) 389 00:18:53,859 --> 00:18:54,793 Boring! 390 00:18:54,823 --> 00:18:56,066 (clattering, applause) 391 00:18:56,151 --> 00:18:58,684 Yes! That's exactly it. 392 00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:03,253 Now, let's just say this table right here... 393 00:19:03,532 --> 00:19:05,308 Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?! 394 00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,448 (shouts, audience cheers) 395 00:19:07,948 --> 00:19:09,618 Yeah! 396 00:19:10,448 --> 00:19:12,448 (yelping) 397 00:19:12,505 --> 00:19:13,804 (laughs) 398 00:19:13,972 --> 00:19:15,972 That's what I'm talking about. 399 00:19:16,112 --> 00:19:18,841 And let's say that this 400 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:23,188 is our competitor's new smartphone. 401 00:19:23,251 --> 00:19:25,251 (audience boos) 402 00:19:25,884 --> 00:19:27,279 How about that? Huh? What? 403 00:19:28,497 --> 00:19:30,497 (laughs) 404 00:19:31,163 --> 00:19:33,653 (robot voice) I am a major donkey dick. 405 00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,766 Whoo! Right? 406 00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,349 - And let's say that this right here... - Hey! 407 00:19:38,462 --> 00:19:40,572 this is one of our competitor's 408 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,713 new e-book reader, huh? 409 00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,269 What about that? What? Uh-oh. 410 00:19:45,879 --> 00:19:49,045 Tut-tut. Wook's wike wain! 411 00:19:49,739 --> 00:19:51,290 Haaaa! 412 00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:53,285 (cheers and applause) 413 00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:55,592 Whoo! Whoo! 414 00:20:00,268 --> 00:20:01,595 Yeah! 415 00:20:02,697 --> 00:20:04,067 All right! 416 00:20:04,397 --> 00:20:05,571 Yes! 417 00:20:05,710 --> 00:20:08,879 Who wants to see some of that classified next-level [bleep]? Huh? 418 00:20:10,064 --> 00:20:12,318 Did Steve ever show you that classified [bleep]? 419 00:20:12,431 --> 00:20:13,491 No, he didn't. 420 00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:15,659 You can't do that. They haven't been tested yet. 421 00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:19,228 This device will allow you to teleport anywhere 422 00:20:19,341 --> 00:20:21,728 on the planet. Check this out! 423 00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:23,896 I am the Future! 424 00:20:24,752 --> 00:20:26,396 (beeps, buzzes) 425 00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:28,647 (screams, gasps) 426 00:20:29,451 --> 00:20:30,469 (screams) 427 00:20:33,424 --> 00:20:34,629 Whoo! 428 00:20:35,129 --> 00:20:37,129 Let's see Steve Jobs do that! 429 00:20:37,629 --> 00:20:38,928 (laughs) 430 00:20:39,428 --> 00:20:41,428 (cheers and applause) 431 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,815 - Good night, everybody. - Good night. 432 00:20:54,580 --> 00:20:57,705 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 433 00:20:57,873 --> 00:20:59,873 Oh, yeah! 434 00:21:00,816 --> 00:21:05,051 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 434 00:21:06,305 --> 00:21:12,452 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org