1 00:00:00,057 --> 00:00:01,575 (slow rap groove) ♪ Struggle in da house ♪ 2 00:00:01,658 --> 00:00:04,811 ♪ Using words and rhymes to get through hard times ♪ 3 00:00:05,061 --> 00:00:06,779 ♪ Yeah Come on ♪ 4 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,458 ♪ I came from the streets with nothing in my pockets ♪ 5 00:00:13,541 --> 00:00:16,104 ♪ No food, no books, no power in the sockets ♪ 6 00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:18,836 ♪ Each battle I fight a role model and a teacher ♪ 7 00:00:18,836 --> 00:00:22,171 ♪ Hip-hop my church Every rapper a preacher ♪ 8 00:00:22,171 --> 00:00:23,102 (faster beat) 9 00:00:23,102 --> 00:00:25,759 ♪ I preach from my ass, my farts is my sermons ♪ 10 00:00:25,815 --> 00:00:28,437 ♪ The church is your mouth, where I shout my Holy sperm in ♪ 11 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,937 ♪ You can take your role models, roll 'em up my meat ♪ 12 00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,558 ♪ Bitches always on the menu when I go out to eat ♪ 13 00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:44,177 ♪ But everywhere we go, we don't forget the struggles, son ♪ 14 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,905 ♪ Black woman, two jobs, two kids, too tired to juggle them ♪ 15 00:00:47,183 --> 00:00:49,679 ♪ Juggle 'em, juggle 'em, jiggity, jiggity juggle 'em ♪ 16 00:00:49,735 --> 00:00:52,228 ♪ Yum, yum, yummy, Titty titties in my tummy, yum ♪ 17 00:00:57,839 --> 00:01:00,279 ♪ Titties in my mouth, I got titties in my mouth ♪ 18 00:01:00,335 --> 00:01:03,033 ♪ I got tig ol' bitties from a bunch of different cities ♪ 19 00:01:03,172 --> 00:01:04,293 ♪ I got... ♪ 20 00:01:04,793 --> 00:01:06,793 (soul music) 21 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:14,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 22 00:01:16,237 --> 00:01:20,008 Sync & correction by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 23 00:01:22,786 --> 00:01:24,786 (cheers and applause) 24 00:01:37,842 --> 00:01:40,926 "Titties in my mouth. I've got titties in my mouth. 25 00:01:42,398 --> 00:01:44,559 "I've got tig ol' bitties From a bunch of different cities." 26 00:01:44,587 --> 00:01:46,059 - Thank you. - All right, that's enough. 27 00:01:46,087 --> 00:01:47,439 That's sheer poetry. Sheer poetry. 28 00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:48,761 - What's up guys? - Hey, you guys. 29 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:50,345 - I'm Jordan Peele. - I'm Keegan-Michael Key. 30 00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:52,345 - This is Key and Peele. - Thank you. 31 00:01:57,679 --> 00:02:01,435 So, we are fans of action... What's your favorite action... 32 00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:04,053 - Who's your favorite action star? - My favorite action star is Tony Jaa. 33 00:02:04,081 --> 00:02:06,081 - Tony Jaa. - Yes. Yes. Yes. 34 00:02:06,137 --> 00:02:08,137 - You know this guy? - He's from Thailand, 35 00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:10,755 and he's a dynamo, he's a firecracker. He's always like, "Yaa!" 36 00:02:11,672 --> 00:02:14,860 I love all the Asian and black people were, like, "Yeah, Tony Jaa." 37 00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:18,333 I like that you're bringing that muay Thai out. 38 00:02:18,361 --> 00:02:19,805 Oh, muay Thai, that's what he uses. 39 00:02:19,833 --> 00:02:21,833 - That's my jam right there. - Do you like muay Thai? 40 00:02:21,889 --> 00:02:23,535 - Do you like muay Thai? - Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. 41 00:02:23,646 --> 00:02:25,360 - No, I've been learning? - You're learning? 42 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,057 I've been practicing some of my techniques. 43 00:02:27,085 --> 00:02:30,015 Oh, have you been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master? 44 00:02:33,848 --> 00:02:35,848 You've been studying muay Thai from a muay Thai master? 45 00:02:35,848 --> 00:02:38,911 On TV, yes. On TV. They're on television. 46 00:02:38,911 --> 00:02:40,445 You can study them yourself. 47 00:02:41,118 --> 00:02:42,445 MMA. 48 00:02:44,528 --> 00:02:46,303 Are you studying... What is this? 49 00:02:46,472 --> 00:02:48,329 - Sorry? - Is that muay Thai chi? 50 00:02:48,357 --> 00:02:49,963 I mean, right there? What is...? 51 00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:53,327 But this is... this is good martial arts 52 00:02:53,398 --> 00:02:55,536 if you're in the slo-mo section of the film. 53 00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:59,617 Mmm-taka-taka-taka-taka. Tang-taka-taka-taka-taka. 54 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:02,644 Taka-taka-taka-taka taka-taka-taka-taka. 55 00:03:03,005 --> 00:03:05,064 I've still got him, I don't know what happened there. 56 00:03:05,870 --> 00:03:07,870 Okay, watch this, everybody. 57 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,204 (hinges creaking) 58 00:03:41,202 --> 00:03:43,144 I was wondering when I would come in here 59 00:03:43,172 --> 00:03:45,089 to find you sitting in that chair. 60 00:03:47,839 --> 00:03:49,672 It wasn't easy tracking you down, Decker. 61 00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:52,861 Wasn't supposed to be. 62 00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,387 I know you've retired, but... 63 00:03:56,443 --> 00:03:58,775 That's all behind me now, General. 64 00:04:01,025 --> 00:04:03,978 I'm not the man you knew during the Cold War. 65 00:04:04,034 --> 00:04:05,650 I understand. 66 00:04:06,177 --> 00:04:09,195 We're now facing a threat unlike any we've ever faced before. 67 00:04:10,306 --> 00:04:13,179 - A man with your expertise... - I made a vow. 68 00:04:15,374 --> 00:04:17,760 Never to kill another human being. 69 00:04:20,897 --> 00:04:22,253 Sorry, General, 70 00:04:23,503 --> 00:04:25,560 gotta have to find someone else. 71 00:04:25,977 --> 00:04:27,301 Oh... 72 00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:32,309 No, we hmm... we weren't thinking you'd do it. 73 00:04:32,809 --> 00:04:34,948 We were... (clears throat) just hoping 74 00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:36,866 you cold recommend someone for the job. 75 00:04:39,477 --> 00:04:41,336 I guess I could come out of retirement. 76 00:04:41,833 --> 00:04:45,684 No. No need. Just a recommendation will do. 77 00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,438 All right. 78 00:04:47,908 --> 00:04:49,132 I'll do it. 79 00:04:49,243 --> 00:04:51,243 You know, you're just not what we're looking for. 80 00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:53,606 You sly son of a bitch. 81 00:04:54,356 --> 00:04:57,185 You always knew how to push my buttons. 82 00:04:58,352 --> 00:05:01,895 - I'm in. - Not you, Decker! 83 00:05:01,951 --> 00:05:03,840 - I'm sharp as I ever was. - (sigh) 84 00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,321 Even faster too. Grab my hand. 85 00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:08,759 Nope. 86 00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:12,705 Wait till I count to three first. 87 00:05:13,829 --> 00:05:14,734 One. 88 00:05:14,984 --> 00:05:15,892 Two. 89 00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,018 Three. 90 00:05:17,852 --> 00:05:18,933 Okay. 91 00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,128 I want you to try and slap me in the face. 92 00:05:21,325 --> 00:05:23,128 Unh! Wasn't ready for that. 93 00:05:25,517 --> 00:05:26,390 Try again. 94 00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:30,180 - Unh! 'kay, you know what? - You know what? 95 00:05:30,319 --> 00:05:31,659 Didn't have my adrenaline up. 96 00:05:31,742 --> 00:05:34,320 'cause this is not an actual high-stakes situation. 97 00:05:34,653 --> 00:05:35,739 All right. 98 00:05:37,246 --> 00:05:38,739 Draw your weapon. 99 00:05:39,433 --> 00:05:41,320 And... disarmed. (gun hammer clicks) 100 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,456 You're getting pretty quick. And... disarmed. Okay. 101 00:05:50,123 --> 00:05:51,869 I don't need to take your weapon. 102 00:05:54,175 --> 00:05:56,981 You know what? Shoot me. 103 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,956 I am not going to shoot you. 104 00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:01,945 - Wing me in the shoulder. - This is ridiculous! 105 00:06:02,139 --> 00:06:04,848 Try, General, see what happens. 106 00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:08,899 Deflected... Ooww! 107 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:14,054 - Okay. I made a mistake coming here. - Wing me in the other shoulder. 108 00:06:14,137 --> 00:06:16,443 - I'd rather not. - I insist. 109 00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:19,026 Deflected... Aaahh! 110 00:06:20,721 --> 00:06:22,721 That was because my other arm was already injured. 111 00:06:22,777 --> 00:06:26,113 - Okay. I'm leaving. - (grunting) All right. 112 00:06:26,196 --> 00:06:28,816 - All or nothing. Gut shot. - No! 113 00:06:28,844 --> 00:06:30,366 Gut shot! Come on! 114 00:06:30,421 --> 00:06:32,646 If you can shoot me in the gut, I'll concede. 115 00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:35,258 - Decker, you have two wounded arms. - Gut shot! Go! 116 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,225 Got it. (groans) 117 00:06:40,058 --> 00:06:42,058 You... you caught the bullet? 118 00:06:42,974 --> 00:06:44,974 (groaning) Oh, yeah. 119 00:06:45,168 --> 00:06:46,624 So, you're telling me that the bullet 120 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,529 is in-between your hands right now? 121 00:06:49,918 --> 00:06:51,918 That's what I'm telling you... 122 00:06:52,307 --> 00:06:53,373 (sighs) 123 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,561 (birds chirping) 124 00:06:58,394 --> 00:06:59,859 Is that all you got? 125 00:07:00,582 --> 00:07:02,941 Come on. Head shot. 126 00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:07,025 Head shot. Let's go. 127 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:10,157 I'm ready. I wasn't... Wait one sec. though. 128 00:07:10,185 --> 00:07:11,073 (gunshot) 129 00:07:14,323 --> 00:07:17,237 Okay, I just want people to be straight with us and just admit... 130 00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:21,042 Who here has tormented a substitute teacher? 131 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,207 (applause) 132 00:07:23,263 --> 00:07:24,305 I don't understand why. 133 00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:27,065 I don't believe the people who are raising their hands, by the way. 134 00:07:27,121 --> 00:07:29,121 - (laughs) Right. - They seem way too polite. 135 00:07:29,177 --> 00:07:32,188 I don't understand why. But why? I've never understood why. 136 00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:34,861 I always tried to be polite to the substitute teacher. 137 00:07:34,861 --> 00:07:37,518 Everybody had that kid in school that was, like, 138 00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:40,129 - a real... - a real rapscallion. 139 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,581 - A rapscallion. A scallywag. - Yeah. A jackanape. 140 00:07:43,609 --> 00:07:45,017 - Yeah. - Mm-hm. 141 00:07:45,017 --> 00:07:47,489 I was the kid that was just doodling in the corner. 142 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,378 "What's up?" You know, that was me. 143 00:07:50,017 --> 00:07:51,461 But I had... I know you had one. 144 00:07:51,461 --> 00:07:53,961 I had this kid who, if a substitute teacher came, 145 00:07:54,017 --> 00:07:56,017 my man would be surfing on the desk. 146 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,181 No joke. My man would get up, talking about... 147 00:07:58,209 --> 00:07:59,959 (imitating surf rock music) 148 00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,487 Looking him in the eye. 149 00:08:02,598 --> 00:08:04,598 (imitating surf rock music) Joey. Get off... Joey. 150 00:08:05,792 --> 00:08:08,624 Joey, get off the desk. Joey. 151 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,793 Joey, get off the desk. 152 00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:13,297 I'm telling you now to get off the desk, Joey. 153 00:08:13,464 --> 00:08:16,379 Get off. Unbelievable. Don't do that. Don't do that. 154 00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,152 - Probably in jail now. Right. 155 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,247 (bell rings) 156 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:22,247 All right, listen up, y'all. 157 00:08:22,386 --> 00:08:24,775 I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey. 158 00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:28,247 I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, 159 00:08:29,053 --> 00:08:30,914 so don't even think about messing with me. 160 00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,709 - Y'all feel me? - Mm-hmm. 161 00:08:33,792 --> 00:08:35,792 Okay. Let's take roll here. 162 00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:38,545 Jay Quellin. 163 00:08:41,322 --> 00:08:42,439 Where's Jay Quellin at? 164 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,656 No Jay Quellin here? 165 00:08:46,073 --> 00:08:47,481 (clear throats) Yeah. 166 00:08:47,759 --> 00:08:50,202 Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"? 167 00:08:50,508 --> 00:08:52,760 Okay. So that's how it's gonna be. 168 00:08:53,038 --> 00:08:55,657 Y'all wanna play. Okay, then. 169 00:08:56,935 --> 00:08:58,795 I got my eyes on you, Jay Quellin. 170 00:09:02,674 --> 00:09:03,934 Balakay. 171 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,789 Where is Balakay at? 172 00:09:08,428 --> 00:09:10,146 There's no Balakay here today? 173 00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:14,557 - Yes, sir. - My name is Blake. 174 00:09:14,585 --> 00:09:17,931 Bl... Are you out of your goddamn mind? 175 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,917 (mocking voice) Blake! What? 176 00:09:21,306 --> 00:09:23,416 - Do you wanna go to war, Balakey? - No. 177 00:09:23,444 --> 00:09:25,189 - 'cause we could go to war. - No. 178 00:09:25,272 --> 00:09:27,780 I'm for real. I'm for real. 179 00:09:28,697 --> 00:09:30,530 So you better check yourself. 180 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,280 Dee-nice. 181 00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:37,467 Is there a Dee-Nice? 182 00:09:39,661 --> 00:09:43,133 If one of y'all says some silly-ass name... 183 00:09:44,411 --> 00:09:47,282 This whole class is gonna feel my wrath. 184 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,857 - Now, Dee-Nice. - Do you mean "Denise"? 185 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,699 - You say your name right, right now. - Denise? 186 00:09:56,893 --> 00:09:58,007 - You say it right. - Denise. 187 00:09:58,035 --> 00:09:58,844 - Correctly. - Denise. 188 00:09:58,871 --> 00:09:59,524 - Right. - Denise. 189 00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:01,148 - Right. - Dee-Nice? 190 00:10:01,176 --> 00:10:02,641 That's better. (pupil sighs) Thank you. 191 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,671 Now, A.A. Ron. 192 00:10:06,629 --> 00:10:08,008 Where are you? 193 00:10:08,322 --> 00:10:10,206 Where is A.A. Ron right now? 194 00:10:11,474 --> 00:10:12,721 No A. A. Ron, huh? 195 00:10:13,610 --> 00:10:17,049 Well, you better be sick, dead or mute, 196 00:10:17,246 --> 00:10:19,995 - A.A. Ron. - Here! Oh, man. 197 00:10:21,895 --> 00:10:23,660 Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh? 198 00:10:23,904 --> 00:10:24,343 Huh? 199 00:10:24,471 --> 00:10:26,657 You know, I'm just asking you. I said it, like, four times. 200 00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:30,610 So, why didn't you say it the first time I said, "A.A. Ron"? 201 00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:34,827 Because it's pronounced "Aaron". 202 00:10:34,862 --> 00:10:36,746 Son of a bitch! (clattering) 203 00:10:38,642 --> 00:10:40,431 You done messed up, A.A. Ron! 204 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,147 Now take your ass on down to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office, 205 00:10:43,298 --> 00:10:45,463 right now, and tell him exactly what you did! 206 00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:49,015 - Who? - Oh-Shag-Henessy! 207 00:10:50,539 --> 00:10:51,735 Principal O'Shaughnessy? 208 00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:55,807 Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! 209 00:10:55,958 --> 00:10:57,070 Insubordinate... 210 00:10:58,082 --> 00:10:59,256 and churlish. 211 00:11:04,809 --> 00:11:05,726 Tym-Oh-Thee. 212 00:11:06,761 --> 00:11:08,949 - Present. - Thank you. 213 00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:12,130 To the man of the hour. 214 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,310 Guys... (glasses clinking) Best bachelor party ever! 215 00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:17,950 (cheers) 216 00:11:18,109 --> 00:11:20,303 - Mm! - Mm! Oh, yeah! 217 00:11:20,377 --> 00:11:21,911 - Whoo! - Yeah! That's the stuff. 218 00:11:21,936 --> 00:11:24,650 - I can still do it. - All right, fellas! 219 00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:29,462 What do you say... we get a stripper? 220 00:11:29,763 --> 00:11:31,208 - Yeah! - All right! 221 00:11:32,707 --> 00:11:34,998 Trey, I told you man, no strippers. 222 00:11:35,072 --> 00:11:36,589 Aw, is this a bachelor party or isn't it? 223 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:37,953 - Yeah! - That's right! 224 00:11:37,996 --> 00:11:40,764 I'm your best man, there's no way I'm gonna let you puss out 225 00:11:40,838 --> 00:11:42,291 on your own bachelor party. 226 00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:45,929 We're getting the strippers and we're gonna connect the dots. 227 00:11:46,004 --> 00:11:48,727 - Yes! - Connect the dots? What? 228 00:11:48,769 --> 00:11:51,711 Yeah... Tinkertoy it, man. 229 00:11:51,757 --> 00:11:53,273 We're all behind her 230 00:11:53,432 --> 00:11:57,276 and then we all, bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town! 231 00:11:57,378 --> 00:11:59,493 - Yeah! - We go to town! 232 00:11:59,570 --> 00:12:02,589 Wait, wait, wait, hold on. What's "bup-bup-bup-bup"? 233 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,576 Dude. You know. You're upfront, then 234 00:12:06,076 --> 00:12:08,532 bup-bup-bup-bup! Game on! 235 00:12:08,663 --> 00:12:10,263 (laughs) 236 00:12:10,337 --> 00:12:12,337 No. Hold up, hold up, hold up. No. 237 00:12:12,837 --> 00:12:15,922 - What's the "bup-bup-bup-bup"? - Yeah, yeah, what is that? 238 00:12:16,024 --> 00:12:17,170 Guys! 239 00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:21,555 This is Tommy's last night of freedom! 240 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,317 - Come on! - What's "bup-bup-bup-bup", though? 241 00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:28,601 You know... Bup-bup-bup-bup. 242 00:12:28,959 --> 00:12:31,468 Okay, okay, okay, when you say "bup-bup-bup-bup", 243 00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:34,187 - are we... what are we... are we all... - Linked up! 244 00:12:34,282 --> 00:12:37,975 Yeah! Baby elephant walk. Whoo! 245 00:12:38,163 --> 00:12:40,248 Okay, okay, okay, um... 246 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,592 Are you saying 247 00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:45,535 that we would all be [bleep]ing each other? 248 00:12:46,145 --> 00:12:48,253 (laughs) You don't understand what I'm sayi... 249 00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:51,540 Oh, dude! Okay. Look. Here it is, okay? 250 00:12:51,784 --> 00:12:54,382 - You're [bleep]ing the girl, right? - Right. 251 00:12:54,484 --> 00:12:55,145 Yeah. 252 00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:58,186 Then, we bup-bup-bup-bup! 253 00:12:58,288 --> 00:12:59,483 That's it! Right there! Right there! 254 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,010 Yeah, what the [bleep]? I'm not doing that. 255 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,132 You guys! 256 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,413 Tommy's about to walk the plank of marriage, all right? 257 00:13:05,430 --> 00:13:06,556 This is our last chance. 258 00:13:06,573 --> 00:13:08,458 Last chance for what? I'm not gonna [bleep] a guy. 259 00:13:08,532 --> 00:13:12,470 No! Dude, we'd all be [bleep]ing the girl. 260 00:13:12,516 --> 00:13:14,603 - Oh, okay! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 261 00:13:15,756 --> 00:13:17,262 Together, bup-bup-bup,bup. 262 00:13:17,304 --> 00:13:18,408 - No! - No! 263 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:21,333 See, but right there, Trey. That's the weird part! 264 00:13:21,492 --> 00:13:24,393 - The "bup-bup-bup-bup". - Okay, I get it. I get it. 265 00:13:24,893 --> 00:13:27,292 You don't want to be disrespectful to women. I get that. 266 00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:29,458 - That's not really the issue. - Okay, forget the girl. 267 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,664 Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup. 268 00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:33,903 - No! - No! 269 00:13:33,977 --> 00:13:37,719 You kept the part that noboby wants! The bup-bup-bup-bup! 270 00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:40,168 Yeah, I definitely don't want to have sex with any of you guys! 271 00:13:40,242 --> 00:13:43,483 - Yeah, you're killing my buzz. - Guys! What the [bleep], man! 272 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:47,225 This is supposed to be Tommy's last big celebration. No judgment. 273 00:13:47,242 --> 00:13:51,004 Judgment is not what is keeping us from [bleep]ing each other! 274 00:13:51,387 --> 00:13:53,104 Jeez! Forget it, Trey! 275 00:13:53,178 --> 00:13:55,702 No! I'm saying, guys, if you listen to my words, 276 00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:59,026 Tommy's in here [bleep]ing the stripper. We're in the other room. 277 00:14:05,349 --> 00:14:06,542 - (quietly) Bup-bup-bup-bup. - No! 278 00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:09,212 No "bup-bup-bup-bup"! Nobody wants the "bup-bup-bup-bup"! 279 00:14:09,286 --> 00:14:12,180 Well, that's all right.No bup-bup-bup- bup, okay? No bup-bup-bup-bup. 280 00:14:12,254 --> 00:14:15,256 You're here [bleep]ing the stripper, the rest of us are just 281 00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:17,022 - jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-jiggy... - No! 282 00:14:17,096 --> 00:14:17,915 - Aah! No! - No! 283 00:14:17,921 --> 00:14:20,235 Oh, my God! You guys are so gay! 284 00:14:24,514 --> 00:14:28,435 How do you think you would fare if you went into the penal system? 285 00:14:28,651 --> 00:14:30,275 The penile system? 286 00:14:32,678 --> 00:14:34,468 I think if I went through the penile system, 287 00:14:34,485 --> 00:14:36,485 I think the penile system would go through me. 288 00:14:38,689 --> 00:14:40,689 (kung fu scream) 289 00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:44,830 (alarm buzzes) 290 00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:46,898 (birds squawking) 291 00:14:51,346 --> 00:14:54,675 Lewis Lawrence is beginning his life sentence. 292 00:14:58,555 --> 00:15:01,482 In order to survive, he must join a gang. 293 00:15:02,465 --> 00:15:05,060 (Lewis) Do you understand? I know how it work, right? 294 00:15:05,219 --> 00:15:07,731 When you're in prison, what you need is protection, right? 295 00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,035 And the way to do that is by getting into a gang. 296 00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:20,650 I was surprised to find out that there is a bald gang in prison. 297 00:15:20,650 --> 00:15:23,736 They're gonna be my homies. Talking about some B.B.W.W. 298 00:15:23,838 --> 00:15:25,838 "Bald brothers, what-what?" 299 00:15:29,093 --> 00:15:32,581 What's up, homie? (chuckles) Nice haircut. 300 00:15:34,984 --> 00:15:36,783 Get the [bleep] outta here. 301 00:15:36,885 --> 00:15:39,904 I mean they haven't officially asked me to be in the gang yet, 302 00:15:40,035 --> 00:15:41,950 'cause you need to earn they respect first. 303 00:15:43,747 --> 00:15:44,592 Hey! 304 00:15:46,143 --> 00:15:50,004 You're in the wrong neighborhood, you black mother[bleep]er. 305 00:15:56,435 --> 00:15:57,204 Aah! 306 00:15:57,233 --> 00:16:01,175 Step off my homies, mother[bleep]er, or I'll [bleep] you up! 307 00:16:04,486 --> 00:16:06,486 What's up! What's up! You know what I'm talkin' about! 308 00:16:07,781 --> 00:16:10,635 Aah! Unh! Aah! 309 00:16:10,851 --> 00:16:13,447 So that was it right there, okay? That's what they call a "jump in." 310 00:16:13,464 --> 00:16:15,293 That's the initiation process. 311 00:16:15,352 --> 00:16:18,032 So, it's my understanding that I'm now a member 312 00:16:18,104 --> 00:16:20,423 of the Bald Brotherhood gang, okay? 313 00:16:21,649 --> 00:16:24,833 I mean, those mother[bleep]ers beat the [bleep] out of me. 314 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,800 That's a euphemism you hear all the time. 315 00:16:27,174 --> 00:16:29,487 But you don't know if it's true, it can't be true. How is it possible? 316 00:16:29,577 --> 00:16:33,552 But that mother[bleep]er, bip! And diarrhea just went "Pssh"!, 317 00:16:33,768 --> 00:16:35,141 right out my ass! 318 00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:39,128 So I hope... like, I hope that's, like, lifetime dues right there. 319 00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:40,569 What the...? 320 00:16:40,628 --> 00:16:43,006 It's the happiest day of my life is what I'm saying. 321 00:16:43,443 --> 00:16:45,364 Despite the lack of encouragement, 322 00:16:45,675 --> 00:16:49,407 Lewis continues to try and ingratiate himself to the gang. 323 00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:51,434 What? This long-haired bitch? 324 00:16:54,235 --> 00:16:56,423 Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, hero! 325 00:16:56,454 --> 00:16:58,389 Trying to creep up on my bald brothers, bitch! 326 00:16:58,479 --> 00:17:00,479 I oughta kick you again. What? What? 327 00:17:01,074 --> 00:17:03,430 Aah! Oh! Aah! 328 00:17:05,347 --> 00:17:08,537 Hey, you all right, man? You all right? Come on, get up, get up. 329 00:17:08,659 --> 00:17:10,249 We got you, son. We got you, son. 330 00:17:10,339 --> 00:17:13,458 What? Man, get your hands off me, you hair-having mother[bleep]er! 331 00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:16,587 Aah! Aah! Man, get down there. Unh! Unh! 332 00:17:16,684 --> 00:17:19,225 - Aah! Aah! - Whoa! Unh! 333 00:17:21,742 --> 00:17:23,742 (alarm buzzes) 334 00:17:24,238 --> 00:17:26,045 I mean, I think 335 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,046 I accidentally got hit by some of my bald brothers. 336 00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:31,767 Guards! (alarm buzzes) 337 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,814 That's right! Bald brotherhood forever, man! 338 00:17:36,177 --> 00:17:37,257 'sup! 339 00:17:38,478 --> 00:17:39,821 But you know, that's prison, man. 340 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,168 I mean, you don't never know what side it's coming from. 341 00:17:42,258 --> 00:17:45,513 Lewis has yet to make any alliances. 342 00:17:46,579 --> 00:17:49,997 Meanwhile, an unprecedented peace has been brokered 343 00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:52,727 between black and white prison gangs. 344 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:55,705 The once unsurmountable racial divide 345 00:17:55,764 --> 00:17:58,205 now bridged by a mutual hatred... 346 00:17:59,672 --> 00:18:01,272 for Lewis. 347 00:18:09,529 --> 00:18:11,088 (bell rings) 348 00:18:12,155 --> 00:18:13,743 Dude! 349 00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:16,243 Hey, you going to Ray's party? 350 00:18:17,650 --> 00:18:18,620 Yeah, I'm going. 351 00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:21,731 - You know Amy's gonna be there. - Yeah, I know. 352 00:18:21,877 --> 00:18:24,491 Things have been real good with her, man. Tonight could be the night. 353 00:18:24,991 --> 00:18:28,301 - Could be. - Dude, are you okay? 354 00:18:30,062 --> 00:18:31,247 Not really, dude. 355 00:18:31,747 --> 00:18:34,677 What's wrong? You get the hottest girl at a party with no parents. 356 00:18:34,704 --> 00:18:37,080 You're definitely gonna hit that for sure tonight, man. 357 00:18:37,202 --> 00:18:40,210 - You're gonna lose that V. for good. - (slams) My penis is white. 358 00:18:42,823 --> 00:18:46,844 - Excuse me? - I have a white penis. 359 00:18:46,966 --> 00:18:48,678 What? But you're black. 360 00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,721 Nuh-uh. I'm bi-racial. 361 00:18:52,379 --> 00:18:54,572 All the white went straight to my penis. 362 00:18:54,725 --> 00:18:57,829 That... what... what... you mean, like, the color? 363 00:19:01,229 --> 00:19:03,101 - Oh... - Yeah. 364 00:19:03,223 --> 00:19:05,375 But wait, dude... I mean... 365 00:19:06,159 --> 00:19:08,577 - how bad could it be? - It's bad. 366 00:19:08,698 --> 00:19:10,793 - How bad? - It's like a Snickers. 367 00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:14,513 - Regular or fun size? - Which one do you get at Halloween? 368 00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:17,865 - Fun size. - That's the one. 369 00:19:18,018 --> 00:19:19,855 - [bleep] - I know. 370 00:19:20,008 --> 00:19:22,008 What am I gonna do? I mean, I... 371 00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:26,617 How am I gonna hit it with Amy with my little white penis. 372 00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,922 Everyone's gonna find out and I'm never gonna hear the end of it. 373 00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:33,016 Dude, dude, dude. Amy's white. She's not gonna care. 374 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:37,218 - Really? - Yeah. She's white. 375 00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:39,285 - Yeah. - Yeah. 376 00:19:39,375 --> 00:19:43,049 I guess you're right. She's probably not even gonna know the difference. 377 00:19:43,108 --> 00:19:46,685 Nah, man. White girl, white penis. You're all good. 378 00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:51,415 (bell rings) 379 00:19:52,419 --> 00:19:55,008 Hey, there he is. How'd it go last night? 380 00:19:55,098 --> 00:19:57,363 - Don't wanna talk about it. - Well, what happened? 381 00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,005 Black vagina. 382 00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:07,873 (laughs) Happy? 383 00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:11,286 I just gotta get this off... My girl, right here, 384 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:14,430 Your mouth was agape after "black vagina". 385 00:20:14,489 --> 00:20:16,263 She was just like... (laughter) 386 00:20:19,821 --> 00:20:23,621 It's just, like... I've only seen... In my whole life, I've only seen 387 00:20:23,711 --> 00:20:25,711 Macaulay Culkin do that. In my whole life. 388 00:20:26,211 --> 00:20:28,405 Serious, she was, like, it was crazy. 389 00:20:29,882 --> 00:20:31,971 - All right, let's get outta here. - Let's get outta here. 390 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,797 You and I go to the bar, couple of friends. And then, maybe... 391 00:20:34,856 --> 00:20:36,607 - Bup-bup. - Let's just bup-bup-bup-bup. 392 00:20:36,666 --> 00:20:37,392 Yeah. 393 00:20:37,485 --> 00:20:39,485 Good night, everybody. (cheers and applause) 394 00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:54,626 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 395 00:20:54,968 --> 00:20:56,584 Oh, yeah. 395 00:20:57,305 --> 00:21:03,566 -= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-