1 00:00:11,648 --> 00:00:12,847 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, my dude. 2 00:00:12,881 --> 00:00:13,980 - What's going on, man? - Okay, we got the-- 3 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,049 It's good to see-- I'm sorry, 4 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,318 I'm talking at the same time as you. 5 00:00:16,353 --> 00:00:18,191 - Okay, go ahead. - You go ahead and talk. 6 00:00:18,225 --> 00:00:20,132 - I'm sorry, go ahead. - No, it's all right, I-- 7 00:00:20,166 --> 00:00:22,337 (stammers) 8 00:00:22,346 --> 00:00:23,480 - Go-- - Are you talking right now? 9 00:00:23,514 --> 00:00:26,816 Yeah, I'm trying to-- 10 00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:29,253 - Go ahead. - All right, this is-- 11 00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:32,216 - Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead. 12 00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:35,165 - Try to not--um-- - I'm just--I'm gonna talk 13 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,503 - And you just keep--okay. - No, it's you. 14 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,104 - I'm sorry. - No. 15 00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:39,604 - All right, I'll go... - It's just that my internet 16 00:00:39,674 --> 00:00:41,474 - connection's a little weak--ugh. - And then you just--gosh. 17 00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:42,843 - Are you talking right now? - I'm--no. 18 00:00:42,878 --> 00:00:44,212 - Are you talking right now? - I think--I can't tell 19 00:00:44,281 --> 00:00:45,248 - If it's a delay-- - God damn it. 20 00:00:45,317 --> 00:00:47,987 - [bleep]. - Okay. 21 00:00:48,271 --> 00:00:49,671 - You go first, and speak... - I'll talk, and then 22 00:00:49,706 --> 00:00:52,308 - You start--no. - And then--no. 23 00:00:53,775 --> 00:00:55,308 - W-what's that? - What? 24 00:00:55,308 --> 00:00:57,743 Wait. What? 25 00:00:57,812 --> 00:00:58,948 - [bleep]! - God damn it! 26 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,252 - I can't [bleep] believe this. - Not today! 27 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,490 - You got to be kidding me! - Not [bleep] today! 28 00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:03,524 Ridiculous! 29 00:01:03,559 --> 00:01:05,526 Gotta have this conversation! 30 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,795 - [bleep]! [bleep]! - Okay, okay. 31 00:01:07,829 --> 00:01:10,264 Okay, did the delay come back, Or are you--did you catch up? 32 00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:11,666 You know what? Let's just lay back, just calm. 33 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,569 You haven't [bleep] caught up, or we wouldn't be 34 00:01:13,603 --> 00:01:15,170 - talking at the same time. - Wow. 35 00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,872 - God damn it! - No. 36 00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,709 - Okay, listen--okay, listen... - Okay, here's the thing-- 37 00:01:18,743 --> 00:01:20,477 We gotta stop trying to talk at the same time... 38 00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:21,578 - Let me just get-- - and try to make-- 39 00:01:21,612 --> 00:01:23,814 - Okay. - or this conversation... 40 00:01:23,849 --> 00:01:27,121 - Okay--are--all right, fine. - It's gonna just go on... 41 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,690 - forever. - if--I can't get out of it. 42 00:01:28,724 --> 00:01:30,425 - Okay, I can't--listen-- - then that's ridiculous, I'm-- 43 00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:33,195 I'm--that--no. 44 00:01:33,230 --> 00:01:35,164 - What a bunch of-- - God, help me, please! 45 00:01:35,197 --> 00:01:36,365 There's only one thing We can do, okay? 46 00:01:36,365 --> 00:01:37,365 - I can't! - There's only one thing 47 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,967 - we can do. - No, listen to me! 48 00:01:39,002 --> 00:01:40,603 - Yeah, we--we got-- - I don't know how to get 49 00:01:40,637 --> 00:01:42,371 - out of this! - Well, then we got to end it. 50 00:01:42,405 --> 00:01:43,739 - We--I got to end it. - I got to end this! 51 00:01:43,773 --> 00:01:45,141 - I can't-- - I got to end this! 52 00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:46,575 - I can't do it anymore! - I can't do it anymore. 53 00:01:46,575 --> 00:01:48,209 - Okay, fine! - I can't do it anymore! 54 00:01:48,244 --> 00:01:49,944 Then we're gonna end it. 55 00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,713 - Okay, we're gonna to end-- - I got to-- 56 00:01:51,748 --> 00:01:55,420 K--Keegan? 57 00:01:55,454 --> 00:01:58,223 Keegan, I'm gonna end it. You're frozen, I can't tell-- 58 00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,460 We're gonna end it, Okay? 59 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,263 I just don't want you to be offended. 60 00:02:03,298 --> 00:02:06,534 Ending it, and--oh! 61 00:02:06,568 --> 00:02:08,269 Oh, he really meant "end it." 62 00:02:08,298 --> 00:02:11,267 (soul music) 63 00:02:11,301 --> 00:02:15,813 ♪ 64 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:23,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 65 00:02:24,015 --> 00:02:27,752 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 66 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,756 (cheers and applause) 67 00:02:31,791 --> 00:02:33,792 Whoo! 68 00:02:33,827 --> 00:02:37,596 Hello! Mwah! 69 00:02:37,631 --> 00:02:38,731 (audience hooting) 70 00:02:38,765 --> 00:02:42,135 Hello. Hello. 71 00:02:42,169 --> 00:02:45,239 - Thank you. - Man, thank you. 72 00:02:45,273 --> 00:02:47,308 - Okay, okay. - Thank you so much. 73 00:02:47,342 --> 00:02:48,443 Thank you so much. 74 00:02:48,477 --> 00:02:50,311 - I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele. 75 00:02:50,346 --> 00:02:51,713 - And we are Key and Peele. - we are Key and Peele. 76 00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:52,714 Thank you. 77 00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:53,982 (cheers and applause) 78 00:02:54,016 --> 00:02:56,318 You guys see that movie Django Unchained? 79 00:02:56,352 --> 00:02:57,419 - Did you see that movie? - (all) Yeah! 80 00:02:57,453 --> 00:02:58,654 Did you see it? Okay, mm-hmm. 81 00:02:58,688 --> 00:02:59,888 That movie-- I didn't want to like that, 82 00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:01,623 but that was good, though. That was good. 83 00:03:01,658 --> 00:03:03,125 (laughs) 'cause I appreciate 84 00:03:03,159 --> 00:03:07,463 some historical, you know, relevance, and some accuracy, 85 00:03:07,497 --> 00:03:08,731 and when he shot that bitch and she flew 86 00:03:08,765 --> 00:03:11,100 - across the room-- - And she flew off the thing-- 87 00:03:11,134 --> 00:03:13,036 - That's me. That's--that's-- - That was worth $12 88 00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:14,371 Right there, that one moment. 89 00:03:14,405 --> 00:03:16,206 - But Spike Lee had a problem. - Yes, he did. 90 00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:18,042 - Before the movie came out-- - Before the movie came out, 91 00:03:18,076 --> 00:03:19,243 before he had seen it, he was like-- 92 00:03:19,277 --> 00:03:22,146 He was like, "Yo, this is...absolutely"-- 93 00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:24,348 I'm like, "Get some coffee in your system, Spike, 94 00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:26,451 "'cause you've already lost my attention." 95 00:03:26,485 --> 00:03:27,719 (laughs) 96 00:03:27,753 --> 00:03:29,521 - He didn't like the N-word. - He didn't like 97 00:03:29,555 --> 00:03:31,490 - the prolific use of the N-word. - Yeah. 98 00:03:31,524 --> 00:03:34,426 - Which I--I'm trying to think, How do I describe it? 99 00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:36,795 The N-word-- The use of the N-word in a movie 100 00:03:36,829 --> 00:03:40,366 that's set in slave times, in the South, in the 1850s. 101 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,303 - "Accurate," is how I would-- - Accurate. 102 00:03:46,074 --> 00:03:48,676 Well, all right, friends. 103 00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:51,246 The first fight of the evening will feature 104 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,316 one of my slaves versus one of the slaves 105 00:03:54,350 --> 00:03:57,486 of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon. 106 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,154 (chuckles) You know, Robert, 107 00:03:59,188 --> 00:04:02,891 I hope you're as gracious a loser as you are a host. 108 00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:04,793 (laughter) 109 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:08,063 All right, enough talk. (snaps fingers) 110 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:14,104 (sighs) Now... 111 00:04:14,138 --> 00:04:16,439 Fight, you devils! Fight to the death! 112 00:04:16,474 --> 00:04:18,474 (chuckles) 113 00:04:25,282 --> 00:04:26,849 - Hey. - Hey. 114 00:04:26,883 --> 00:04:28,851 - Um, question. - Mm-hmm? 115 00:04:28,885 --> 00:04:29,885 (chuckles) 116 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,922 How do we get out of this thing alive? 117 00:04:32,957 --> 00:04:35,258 It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you. 118 00:04:35,292 --> 00:04:36,660 Hmm. 119 00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,929 Maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you. 120 00:04:38,963 --> 00:04:41,832 - Yeah. - Yeah, I just-- 121 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:44,368 I want to make it believable, so... 122 00:04:44,402 --> 00:04:46,637 Well, that's what I was-- That's what I was going for too. 123 00:04:46,672 --> 00:04:48,039 - Really? - What the blazes 124 00:04:48,073 --> 00:04:50,341 is going on over there in that endless clinch? 125 00:04:50,376 --> 00:04:53,011 Tear him apart! 126 00:04:53,045 --> 00:04:55,614 - Okay, let's-- - Oh! you get--mm! 127 00:04:55,648 --> 00:04:59,017 (both grunting dramatically) 128 00:04:59,051 --> 00:05:00,852 So just-- just die from this. 129 00:05:00,886 --> 00:05:02,987 - From this? Um, just-- - (grunts) 130 00:05:03,022 --> 00:05:05,590 You know what? Just-- Something doesn't feel right, 131 00:05:05,624 --> 00:05:06,991 So if I could just-- If I just-- 132 00:05:07,026 --> 00:05:08,460 - Let me--Go with me here. - Okay. Oh. 133 00:05:08,494 --> 00:05:11,296 Oh. (both growling) 134 00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:14,165 Yup, that was it, that was it. This feels much more real. 135 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,967 - So-- - Really? What? Why? 136 00:05:16,001 --> 00:05:17,636 Um, sorry, What do you mean "Why?" 137 00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:20,005 Fight! My God! 138 00:05:21,641 --> 00:05:22,607 Oh. 139 00:05:22,642 --> 00:05:24,576 I-I'm getting frustrated now. 140 00:05:24,610 --> 00:05:26,844 Damn it, kill! 141 00:05:26,879 --> 00:05:30,147 (both grunting) 142 00:05:30,182 --> 00:05:31,749 Nope, not a thing. Not a thing. 143 00:05:31,783 --> 00:05:32,950 Not a thing? Okay, let me just get-- 144 00:05:32,985 --> 00:05:34,352 Mm, I'm gonna get him. I got him. 145 00:05:34,387 --> 00:05:35,920 - Let me get you, though. - Just let me get you, though. 146 00:05:35,955 --> 00:05:37,222 - No, let me get you. - No, let me get you. 147 00:05:37,256 --> 00:05:38,556 It was my idea, so can I do it first? 148 00:05:38,591 --> 00:05:39,824 - Let me get you. - Let me get you, though. 149 00:05:39,859 --> 00:05:41,126 - Let me get you. - Just for, like, a second. 150 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,527 Will you just let me get you for a second, please? 151 00:05:42,562 --> 00:05:43,795 Let me get you. Let me get you! 152 00:05:43,829 --> 00:05:47,499 Stop fighting like sissies and kill each other! 153 00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:48,533 - Okay. - All right. 154 00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:49,534 (both grunting) 155 00:05:49,568 --> 00:05:50,702 - Okay, check this out. - Yeah, mm-hmm. 156 00:05:50,736 --> 00:05:51,836 All right, we'll back up, 157 00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,404 - Mm-hmm. - and you run at me real fast, 158 00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:56,440 just do a bunch of spins, and kicks, and flourishes, 159 00:05:56,474 --> 00:05:58,508 and I'll just knock you out, one punch, and then you're dead. 160 00:05:58,543 --> 00:06:00,043 Great, okay-- No, wait, wait, what? 161 00:06:00,078 --> 00:06:02,179 I'm sorry, so you can look cool? No, thank you. 162 00:06:02,213 --> 00:06:05,182 If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both. 163 00:06:05,216 --> 00:06:06,183 Thank you. 164 00:06:06,217 --> 00:06:08,818 - (grunting) Ah! - Ohh! 165 00:06:08,853 --> 00:06:10,387 Ah, that's my boy! 166 00:06:10,421 --> 00:06:13,523 - (grunts) - Ohh! 167 00:06:13,558 --> 00:06:14,558 (grunts) Ah! 168 00:06:14,592 --> 00:06:16,460 Oh--ahh! 169 00:06:16,494 --> 00:06:18,195 You are not getting stronger from my punches. 170 00:06:18,229 --> 00:06:20,664 - Yes, I am, though! - Listen, come here. 171 00:06:20,698 --> 00:06:22,933 You've got to-- No, listen, listen. 172 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:24,401 Let's be fair, okay? 173 00:06:24,435 --> 00:06:27,070 We both slam into each other, and we both die. 174 00:06:27,105 --> 00:06:28,672 Fair? 175 00:06:28,706 --> 00:06:29,840 - That's fair. - All right. 176 00:06:29,874 --> 00:06:31,675 (both grunting) One! 177 00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:34,044 - This will be good. - Two! 178 00:06:34,078 --> 00:06:35,946 (both) Three! 179 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,381 (grunting dramatically) 180 00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:40,784 - What? - Oh, you son of a bitch! 181 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,052 You were never gonna fall. 182 00:06:42,086 --> 00:06:43,520 You didn't even try to fall down. 183 00:06:43,554 --> 00:06:45,054 - You were never-- - It's, like, the fakest thing-- 184 00:06:45,089 --> 00:06:46,155 The thing is, you're-- 185 00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:47,223 - How 'bout that? - Don't--no. 186 00:06:47,257 --> 00:06:48,424 Don't hit me. Oh, what's that? 187 00:06:48,459 --> 00:06:50,026 - Ow. - What are you doing? 188 00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,194 - Cut the-- - Come on. 189 00:06:51,228 --> 00:06:52,429 Oh, you hit my balls. 190 00:06:52,463 --> 00:06:53,797 Hey, everybody! 191 00:06:53,831 --> 00:06:57,267 War's over! 192 00:06:57,301 --> 00:07:00,437 Slavery is abolished. 193 00:07:00,471 --> 00:07:01,605 Sorry. 194 00:07:01,639 --> 00:07:03,807 (scoffs) 195 00:07:03,842 --> 00:07:06,510 - We'll call it a draw. - Done. 196 00:07:06,545 --> 00:07:09,414 Good for you, though, huh? 197 00:07:09,448 --> 00:07:11,616 - Thank you? - Let's go. 198 00:07:11,650 --> 00:07:14,184 - Well, wait, before you-- - No, no, no, no, no, hold up. 199 00:07:14,219 --> 00:07:16,520 Just--just--if--just if I may, Who do you think 200 00:07:16,554 --> 00:07:18,656 - would have won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us? 201 00:07:19,211 --> 00:07:20,512 (soul music) 202 00:07:21,621 --> 00:07:22,988 We've had, on a couple of occasions, 203 00:07:23,047 --> 00:07:25,782 like, I mean, real super-tough, 204 00:07:25,817 --> 00:07:29,919 like, tatted-up Mexican dudes Walk up to us and go, 205 00:07:29,954 --> 00:07:33,255 "Hey, homes. 206 00:07:33,289 --> 00:07:36,392 "Like, you guys Should make fun of us." 207 00:07:36,426 --> 00:07:39,495 (laughter and applause) 208 00:07:39,530 --> 00:07:41,163 You know, the guy's, like-- Blink, he's got 209 00:07:41,197 --> 00:07:44,867 a "K" and a "P" Tattooed here. 210 00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:46,468 - We're like, "No, it's okay." - "It's all right." 211 00:07:46,502 --> 00:07:47,870 "It's all right." "No, you should do it. 212 00:07:47,904 --> 00:07:50,505 - "Like, make fun of us more." - "Nah." 213 00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:52,107 "Because you guys--you guys are leaving us out." 214 00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:54,610 - You can't-- - "Like, don't leave us out. 215 00:07:54,644 --> 00:07:56,145 "We're trying to have fun too, okay?" 216 00:07:56,179 --> 00:07:57,279 Yeah. 217 00:07:57,314 --> 00:07:59,982 "We're trying To have fun, ese." 218 00:08:00,017 --> 00:08:01,985 That's some scary [bleep], when their eyes get big. 219 00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:03,119 - That's some scary [bleep]. - "Hey." 220 00:08:03,154 --> 00:08:04,821 No. 221 00:08:04,855 --> 00:08:06,556 I don't want none of that. 222 00:08:06,590 --> 00:08:09,959 It's like, if you have human sacrifice in your DNA, 223 00:08:09,994 --> 00:08:12,895 - I'm not gonna make fun of you. - (laughs) 224 00:08:15,765 --> 00:08:17,633 Okay, let's get this thing going. 225 00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:20,736 Everybody take a seat. 226 00:08:20,771 --> 00:08:23,807 We got to have More meetings, homes, 227 00:08:23,841 --> 00:08:26,576 'cause I'm telling you, man, we got to get organized. 228 00:08:26,610 --> 00:08:28,244 (sighs) 229 00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:32,616 (police sirens in the distance) 230 00:08:38,889 --> 00:08:41,657 Carlito ain't got a seat, man. Someone get him a chair. 231 00:08:41,692 --> 00:08:43,092 No, I'm cool. 232 00:08:43,127 --> 00:08:45,795 No, dude, get him a chair, homes. 233 00:08:48,867 --> 00:08:50,668 I'm gonna sit gangster. 234 00:08:50,702 --> 00:08:53,404 But, Carlito, it doesn't look Like it's comfortable, man. 235 00:08:53,438 --> 00:08:56,006 Why don't you Just sit in the chair? 236 00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:58,242 I never sit in no chair, ese. 237 00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,110 Mm-mmm. 238 00:09:00,145 --> 00:09:03,880 You never, ever gon' catch me sitting in no chairs. 239 00:09:03,914 --> 00:09:05,781 Hey, ese, you know that That's loco, right? 240 00:09:05,816 --> 00:09:07,383 No, man. (scoffs) 241 00:09:07,417 --> 00:09:08,618 It's cool, Carlito. 242 00:09:08,652 --> 00:09:10,319 No one's gonna think you're soft 243 00:09:10,354 --> 00:09:11,954 - if you sit in a chair, homes. - Yeah, yeah. 244 00:09:11,989 --> 00:09:13,490 - We're all sitting in chairs. - Right. 245 00:09:13,524 --> 00:09:15,759 - Bunch of bitch-ass culeros. 246 00:09:15,794 --> 00:09:17,427 - ÿQue? - I don't have no time 247 00:09:17,462 --> 00:09:19,963 to sit in no [bleep] chair. 248 00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:24,301 Okay. 249 00:09:24,335 --> 00:09:26,937 Now that we're all here-- 250 00:09:26,971 --> 00:09:28,472 You know what? But why, though? 251 00:09:28,506 --> 00:09:31,375 Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up 252 00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:32,943 with a rule like that. 253 00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:35,812 - No, it's, like, limiting. - Yeah, limiting. 254 00:09:35,847 --> 00:09:37,214 - Limiting. - I mean, sometimes, 255 00:09:37,248 --> 00:09:38,649 People sit in chairs. 256 00:09:38,683 --> 00:09:41,518 Man, [bleep] all of you guys with your bitch-ass chairs. 257 00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:43,320 (wood cracks) 258 00:09:43,354 --> 00:09:46,923 - There. - (scoffs) 259 00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:50,628 Okay, Carlito, quit playing and sit in the chair, pendejo. 260 00:09:50,662 --> 00:09:52,196 - No. - Carlito, 261 00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:55,299 we have to have this meeting now, ese. Get up! 262 00:09:55,334 --> 00:09:56,901 I'm good right here, man. 263 00:09:56,935 --> 00:09:58,635 - You know-- - I'm chilling. 264 00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:00,904 Go ahead with your meeting. 265 00:10:00,938 --> 00:10:03,907 Okay, but you know It's going to be weird. 266 00:10:03,942 --> 00:10:05,275 You don't care that it's going to be weird? 267 00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,410 Weird for you, maybe. 268 00:10:06,444 --> 00:10:08,779 He doesn't care. Okay. 269 00:10:08,814 --> 00:10:12,016 Okay, homies, so this is what we have to do, 270 00:10:12,051 --> 00:10:13,684 like, we got to sell more drugs... 271 00:10:13,719 --> 00:10:15,052 - (groaning) - and we got to make 272 00:10:15,086 --> 00:10:16,420 more crimes happen. 273 00:10:16,454 --> 00:10:19,323 - Roberto, where are we-- - (groaning) 274 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,559 Carlito, You're bleeding, ese! 275 00:10:21,593 --> 00:10:24,227 (grunts) Who cares, man? 276 00:10:24,262 --> 00:10:27,864 (winces) 277 00:10:27,899 --> 00:10:29,700 Yo, whoa! You just got shanked, man! 278 00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:32,002 - We got to pull that out! - Leave it! 279 00:10:32,036 --> 00:10:34,471 I'm chilling, homes. 280 00:10:34,506 --> 00:10:37,875 I don't care about that stupid shank. 281 00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:40,244 (groaning) 282 00:10:40,279 --> 00:10:41,446 (exhales) 283 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,248 Carlito. 284 00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:45,784 Carlito, wake up, man! 285 00:10:45,818 --> 00:10:49,154 (radio chatter) 286 00:10:49,188 --> 00:10:50,588 Hey, don't even bother, ese. 287 00:10:50,623 --> 00:10:52,023 What? (screams) 288 00:10:52,057 --> 00:10:53,591 ¡Oh, dios mio! 289 00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:56,461 I don't need those defibrillators. 290 00:10:56,495 --> 00:10:58,663 I don't even want to come back to life, homes. 291 00:10:58,697 --> 00:11:02,166 Carlito, Go back into your body. 292 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,069 - My body's stupid, homes. - What? 293 00:11:05,103 --> 00:11:07,571 I'm fine right here on the spirit plane. 294 00:11:07,606 --> 00:11:09,974 Life is for pussies. 295 00:11:10,008 --> 00:11:14,078 (heavenly singing) 296 00:11:14,113 --> 00:11:18,149 Carlito. Carlito, go to the light. 297 00:11:18,184 --> 00:11:19,818 Nah, I'm good, man. 298 00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:21,486 Carlito, that's Heaven, man. 299 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,188 I don't need to go to Heaven, homes. 300 00:11:23,222 --> 00:11:25,791 - Heaven is for pussies. - Oh, boy. 301 00:11:27,694 --> 00:11:31,129 Hello, and welcome To the fifth annual meeting 302 00:11:31,164 --> 00:11:33,098 of the Tallahassee Black Republicans. 303 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,167 - Now, I'm pissed! - (All) Mm-hmm. 304 00:11:35,201 --> 00:11:37,169 - Royally pissed! - (all) Mm-hmm. 305 00:11:37,204 --> 00:11:42,175 Last november, Barack Obama was re-elected President, 306 00:11:42,209 --> 00:11:45,345 and the black vote went almost entirely to him! 307 00:11:45,379 --> 00:11:46,679 (crowd murmuring) Dagnabbit. 308 00:11:46,714 --> 00:11:50,550 We're not getting our message out, obviously. 309 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,953 The Republican Party is and should be 310 00:11:53,987 --> 00:11:56,555 - the only home for black votes. - Yes, sir. 311 00:11:56,590 --> 00:12:00,559 Now, people think that black voters are a monolith. 312 00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,194 (scoffs) We're not a monolith. 313 00:12:02,228 --> 00:12:03,829 - What? What? - No, we're not. 314 00:12:03,863 --> 00:12:05,697 - In fact, Black Republicans alone 315 00:12:05,731 --> 00:12:07,565 are an extremely diverse group of people. 316 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,334 (crowd murmuring agreement) 317 00:12:09,368 --> 00:12:11,035 Now, to speak more on diversity, 318 00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:15,640 I present tonight's speaker, 319 00:12:15,674 --> 00:12:16,708 Mr. Douglas Jackson. 320 00:12:16,742 --> 00:12:22,747 (applause) 321 00:12:27,787 --> 00:12:29,621 (applause ends abruptly) 322 00:12:31,124 --> 00:12:32,624 Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I'm pissed! 323 00:12:32,659 --> 00:12:33,625 (crowd murmuring agreement) 324 00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,927 I'm royally pissed. 325 00:12:35,962 --> 00:12:39,063 The liberal media thinks that Republicanism 326 00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:40,865 - is not for black people. - (all) Mm. 327 00:12:40,899 --> 00:12:44,135 - Now, you tell me, what about fiscal responsibility, 328 00:12:44,169 --> 00:12:46,970 a strong national defense, and a limited government 329 00:12:47,005 --> 00:12:49,539 is unappealing to black people? 330 00:12:49,574 --> 00:12:51,875 - We're not a monolith! - (all) Mm-mmm. 331 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,311 We come in all different shapes and sizes. 332 00:12:54,346 --> 00:12:55,913 - We do. - (all) Mm-hmm. 333 00:12:55,947 --> 00:12:57,915 Now, who here would like to come up to this podium 334 00:12:57,950 --> 00:13:00,618 and speak about the diversity amongst Black Republicans? 335 00:13:00,652 --> 00:13:02,386 (clears throat) 336 00:13:02,421 --> 00:13:04,155 Oh. (chuckles) 337 00:13:04,190 --> 00:13:05,590 Gentlemen, we have a real treat today, 338 00:13:05,624 --> 00:13:08,393 a gentleman who is a little bit eccentric, 339 00:13:08,427 --> 00:13:12,196 a little bit outside of the box, if you will, 340 00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,664 but I can't think of a better person to speak 341 00:13:14,698 --> 00:13:17,167 on diversity amongst Black Republicans 342 00:13:17,201 --> 00:13:18,268 than this gentleman right here. 343 00:13:18,302 --> 00:13:19,970 All the way from Orlando, my good friend, 344 00:13:20,004 --> 00:13:21,404 Arthur Washington! 345 00:13:21,439 --> 00:13:25,909 (applause) 346 00:13:25,944 --> 00:13:27,278 It's good to see you. It's good to see you. 347 00:13:27,312 --> 00:13:29,413 Good to see you, man. 348 00:13:29,448 --> 00:13:32,082 (applause) 349 00:13:32,117 --> 00:13:33,150 (applause ends abruptly) 350 00:13:33,184 --> 00:13:34,285 Thank you for the introduction, 351 00:13:34,319 --> 00:13:35,452 Brother Douglas. 352 00:13:35,487 --> 00:13:36,987 Thank you for being here, Brother Arthur. 353 00:13:37,021 --> 00:13:38,321 Mm-hmm. 354 00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:41,124 However, I am... pissed. 355 00:13:41,158 --> 00:13:42,158 (crowd murmuring agreement) 356 00:13:42,192 --> 00:13:43,860 Royally pissed. 357 00:13:43,894 --> 00:13:45,128 - Indeed, indeed! - All right. 358 00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:46,429 - Democrats think they have the right 359 00:13:46,463 --> 00:13:48,230 to all the black people. 360 00:13:48,265 --> 00:13:49,599 But that is not the case. 361 00:13:49,633 --> 00:13:51,968 We are not a monolith. (crowd murmuring agreement) 362 00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:56,140 Democrats may be cool, but they ain't practical. 363 00:13:56,174 --> 00:13:57,307 There you go. (crowd murmuring agreement) 364 00:13:57,342 --> 00:13:59,276 Republicans are practical. 365 00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:02,145 Black people are practical! 366 00:14:02,179 --> 00:14:04,847 - Come to think of it... - Get those pants. 367 00:14:04,882 --> 00:14:07,316 I think Black Republicans are pretty cool. 368 00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:08,551 (crowd murmuring agreement) Hear, hear, hear, hear. 369 00:14:08,585 --> 00:14:10,220 Not to mention very diverse. 370 00:14:10,254 --> 00:14:11,555 There we go. Mm-hmm. (door opens) 371 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,124 Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt. 372 00:14:14,159 --> 00:14:16,927 Someone's white wife is here to pick them up. 373 00:14:16,962 --> 00:14:20,030 (all murmuring) 374 00:14:20,064 --> 00:14:21,765 Was her name Emily? 375 00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:23,734 - Uh, she was white. - Oh, great, that's-- 376 00:14:25,286 --> 00:14:26,719 (soul music) 377 00:14:26,854 --> 00:14:28,821 Anybody here enjoy athletics and sports? 378 00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:29,989 (cheers and applause) 379 00:14:30,024 --> 00:14:32,526 Something that we find very interesting 380 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:33,961 is that sometimes, the celebrations 381 00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:35,596 after somebody has done something positive 382 00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,031 in a sporting event are more violent 383 00:14:37,065 --> 00:14:38,232 - than the sport itself. - They're just-- 384 00:14:38,267 --> 00:14:39,967 - They're so jacked up. - Why is that? 385 00:14:40,002 --> 00:14:41,703 Yeah! They're so amped up! 386 00:14:41,737 --> 00:14:43,171 They're crazy. They're just-- 387 00:14:43,205 --> 00:14:44,405 - Dudes get amped up! - We did that, man. 388 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:45,706 - We won that! - We done--yeah. 389 00:14:45,741 --> 00:14:46,974 - We won that! - Yeah, we did. 390 00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:48,375 - We won that, son! - You did that stuff, boy. 391 00:14:48,410 --> 00:14:49,376 - What? What? - You did it, son. 392 00:14:49,411 --> 00:14:50,811 - We won that, son! - We won that! 393 00:14:50,845 --> 00:14:52,346 They thought we couldn't do it, but we could do it! 394 00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:54,148 (both yelling unintelligibly) 395 00:14:54,182 --> 00:14:55,849 - We did it, son! - We did it--yeah! 396 00:14:55,884 --> 00:14:56,850 We did it, man! 397 00:14:56,884 --> 00:14:59,653 (unintelligible yelling) 398 00:14:59,687 --> 00:15:01,521 Come on, man! We did it! 399 00:15:01,556 --> 00:15:03,423 - We did it! - We did it. 400 00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:06,627 Silence it. We did it. 401 00:15:06,661 --> 00:15:08,929 We did it. 402 00:15:08,963 --> 00:15:11,165 We did it--oh. 403 00:15:11,199 --> 00:15:12,766 We did it. 404 00:15:13,902 --> 00:15:17,338 (cheering and mixed chatter) 405 00:15:17,372 --> 00:15:19,873 (laughs) Oh, yeah! 406 00:15:19,908 --> 00:15:22,175 Good victory, guys! Good victory! 407 00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:24,445 Hey, hey, come on, good game! Slap-ass, man! 408 00:15:24,479 --> 00:15:25,446 Hey, good game! 409 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,848 Get some slap-ass! (laughs) 410 00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:30,084 Yeah, dog! Yes, man! 411 00:15:30,119 --> 00:15:32,520 Good game! Slap-ass! 412 00:15:32,554 --> 00:15:34,321 (laughs) 413 00:15:34,356 --> 00:15:36,223 Hey, who's next? Who-- 414 00:15:36,257 --> 00:15:39,125 Hey, Garcia! Come on, man, get you some. 415 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,860 Come on, let's get some slap-ass over here. 416 00:15:40,894 --> 00:15:42,995 No! 417 00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:45,297 What? Why--why not? 418 00:15:45,332 --> 00:15:48,134 I said no, Rafi. 419 00:15:48,168 --> 00:15:50,669 He's had enough, Rafi. 420 00:15:50,704 --> 00:15:53,072 We've all had enough. 421 00:15:53,106 --> 00:15:54,607 Enough of what? 422 00:15:54,641 --> 00:15:57,009 Enough of the damn ass-slapping, Rafi. 423 00:15:57,044 --> 00:16:00,113 Gracias. 424 00:16:00,147 --> 00:16:01,581 The [bleep] slap-ass? 425 00:16:01,615 --> 00:16:03,316 - Si, yes. si. - Mm-hmm. 426 00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:04,450 (laughs) 427 00:16:04,484 --> 00:16:07,853 Guys, who [bleep] cares how much I slap ass? 428 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:09,554 So what? I slap ass! 429 00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:13,158 No big deal, man. I'm a [bleep] baseball player. 430 00:16:13,193 --> 00:16:15,761 That's what we do. We [bleep] hit home runs, 431 00:16:15,795 --> 00:16:18,664 and [bleep] slap ass. Come on, huh? 432 00:16:18,698 --> 00:16:21,500 Rafi, that's not how we all see baseball. 433 00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:25,071 Everybody does it. All the teams slap ass, man. 434 00:16:25,105 --> 00:16:27,506 You-- You slap ass, Garcia! 435 00:16:27,541 --> 00:16:29,274 Like, a couple of times a game. 436 00:16:29,309 --> 00:16:31,176 (laugh sheepishly) 437 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:32,644 What? So what, man? 438 00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:34,312 Why the [bleep] you counting, man? 439 00:16:34,346 --> 00:16:36,481 Who knows how many times I slap ass, or how many-- 440 00:16:36,515 --> 00:16:39,518 427 times. 441 00:16:42,455 --> 00:16:44,756 Okay, time flies when you're having fun, man. What-- 442 00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:48,027 My families come to these games, Rafi. 443 00:16:48,061 --> 00:16:49,896 My son is always asking me 444 00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:52,398 why I'm letting this man touch my butt so many times. 445 00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:55,234 And you say "slap-ass" every time. 446 00:16:55,268 --> 00:16:56,735 Every time! 447 00:16:56,770 --> 00:17:01,106 Okay, hold on one second. Let's go to the time-out. 448 00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:04,677 I'm from the Dominican Republic, okay? 449 00:17:04,711 --> 00:17:08,881 All I know, since I was a little kid, 450 00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,684 is to catch fly balls and to say "Slap-ass" 451 00:17:11,718 --> 00:17:14,687 every single time I [bleep] slap ass! 452 00:17:14,721 --> 00:17:16,222 This is the Major Leagues, Rafi. 453 00:17:16,256 --> 00:17:18,457 We are all from the Dominican Republic. 454 00:17:18,492 --> 00:17:23,662 Nobody here has ever heard anyone say "Slap-ass" 455 00:17:23,697 --> 00:17:26,032 before you. 456 00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:27,766 Quit playing, man. Come on, get your slap-ass. 457 00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:31,738 - (all) Rafi! - Rafi, enough! Okay? 458 00:17:35,943 --> 00:17:39,545 I'm... (sighs) 459 00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:45,051 Okay. You're right. 460 00:17:45,085 --> 00:17:49,889 I know you're right about it. 461 00:17:49,923 --> 00:17:52,825 I have a problem, okay? 462 00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:56,362 I know that. 463 00:17:56,397 --> 00:17:58,598 And I decide to stop right now. 464 00:17:58,632 --> 00:18:00,300 Bueno. 465 00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:02,535 (sighs) 466 00:18:02,570 --> 00:18:04,271 Right after I get that Garcia slap-ass. 467 00:18:04,305 --> 00:18:05,872 - Come on. - (all) Hey, hey, hey! 468 00:18:05,907 --> 00:18:07,207 - What? - No, Rafi! 469 00:18:07,241 --> 00:18:09,009 Hey, come on, eh? 470 00:18:09,043 --> 00:18:11,344 I'm fine, all right? Fine, I get it! 471 00:18:11,379 --> 00:18:13,380 (sighs) 472 00:18:14,815 --> 00:18:16,416 (all struggling) Get up out of here! 473 00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:18,018 - Come on! - Get out of the locker room! 474 00:18:18,052 --> 00:18:19,353 You get out of the locker room! 475 00:18:19,387 --> 00:18:21,855 You're the only slap-ass that matters, Garcia! 476 00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:24,892 You are not getting a slap-ass! 477 00:18:26,595 --> 00:18:29,263 Hey, Garcia, man, can I talk to you for a second? 478 00:18:29,297 --> 00:18:30,964 - Oh. - Hold up. 479 00:18:30,998 --> 00:18:32,965 Hey, Rafi, what's up? 480 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,070 Oh, man, I just talked To the manager, man. 481 00:18:37,104 --> 00:18:38,871 He says he's going to trade me, man. 482 00:18:38,906 --> 00:18:42,642 I mean, what the hell, you know? I got kids, too, right? 483 00:18:42,676 --> 00:18:44,477 Yeah, well, we all told you what was going to happen 484 00:18:44,511 --> 00:18:46,980 - If you-- - Hey... 485 00:18:47,014 --> 00:18:48,815 (heavy breathing) 486 00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:51,185 I really could use that one slap-ass, man. 487 00:18:51,219 --> 00:18:53,620 - Rafi. - Come on, man. 488 00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:57,223 Just one slap-ass, you know? Just one-- 489 00:18:57,258 --> 00:19:00,727 Just for old times' sake, you know? 490 00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:03,296 Get me back on my feet. I really-- 491 00:19:03,330 --> 00:19:07,301 Just one for the road, man. I could really use it. 492 00:19:07,335 --> 00:19:12,139 (heavy breathing) 493 00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:16,744 Okay, okay. 494 00:19:18,546 --> 00:19:21,715 Good game! Slap-ass! (loud smack) 495 00:19:21,749 --> 00:19:23,617 (relieved sigh) 496 00:19:23,651 --> 00:19:25,085 I got to get home to my kids. 497 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:26,786 Okay. 498 00:19:26,821 --> 00:19:31,024 Oh. Garcia, man. 499 00:19:31,058 --> 00:19:33,460 I'll suck your [bleep] if you let me slap your ass again. 500 00:19:33,494 --> 00:19:36,763 No! (groans) 501 00:19:36,797 --> 00:19:39,299 Garcia, I'll suck your [bleep]. 502 00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:42,869 (groaning) 503 00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:45,772 Ohh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, 504 00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:48,575 slap-ass, slap-ass. 505 00:19:49,469 --> 00:19:50,836 (soul music) 506 00:19:55,907 --> 00:19:57,808 Welcome to Metta World News. 507 00:19:57,842 --> 00:19:59,909 In fashion, if you woke up, and there 508 00:19:59,944 --> 00:20:02,612 was a 4-inch miniature human standing on your chest, 509 00:20:02,646 --> 00:20:04,047 would you swat them off? 510 00:20:04,081 --> 00:20:06,248 I was really challenged by this question. 511 00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:08,984 I would hope that I would engage them in conversation. 512 00:20:09,019 --> 00:20:12,722 But in reality, I think I'd be scared of them 513 00:20:12,756 --> 00:20:15,791 and swat them away, which would probably kill them. 514 00:20:15,826 --> 00:20:17,860 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 515 00:20:17,894 --> 00:20:21,297 for this Wednesday, October Noise-canceling Octagon Tire. 516 00:20:21,331 --> 00:20:24,334 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 517 00:20:25,503 --> 00:20:28,271 Did I fulfill my contract, Satan? 518 00:20:28,306 --> 00:20:29,773 (cheers and applause) 519 00:20:29,807 --> 00:20:33,243 We love you. Thank you. 520 00:20:33,277 --> 00:20:34,811 - Hey, it was a good show, man. - It was a good show! 521 00:20:34,845 --> 00:20:36,312 - We won that show, dog! - Yeah, we did! 522 00:20:36,347 --> 00:20:37,447 - We won that show, baby! - Yeah, we did! 523 00:20:37,481 --> 00:20:38,447 - We won that show! - What? 524 00:20:38,482 --> 00:20:39,814 - We won that show! - We did! 525 00:20:39,986 --> 00:20:41,986 - We won that show. - Come on-- (unintelligible) 526 00:20:43,681 --> 00:20:45,681 (cheers and applause) 527 00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:49,351 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 528 00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:56,986 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 529 00:20:57,111 --> 00:20:58,850 Oh yeah! 529 00:20:59,305 --> 00:21:05,919 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org