(water bubbling)
(inhales)
(exhales)
Hey! You know what?
Let me hit that.
- Really? - I can handle it.
I am certain that you cannot.
Nah, come on, I smoked a ton of weed in the '90s.
Right, the '90s.
Um, you know, weed has gotten a lot stronger since then.
You honestly think It's gotten so much stronger
that I just flat-out can't handle it?
You think I'm such a lightweight,
That if I take one puff--
Keegan, you already took a puff an hour ago.
We've had the same conversation 15 times in a row.
Yeah.
(flicks lighter)
(water bubbling)
(inhales)
Hey, you know what? Let me hit that.
Really?
(soul music)
♪
Subs created by David Coleman.
Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com
(cheers and applause)
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming out.
- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele. - Yes, we are.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We wanna talk about the ladies for a second.
We wanna talk about them and to them.
- Hey. - Hey!
(laughter)
You guys, have you ever just woken up in trouble somehow?
Like, "How did I get in trouble
"during an unconscious state?"
You just walk-- Sometimes, you'll just walk
into the kitchen in the morning,
just be like, "Hey, what's goin' on?
- "You look nice." - Yeah.
What does that mean?
You look nice.
I mean, I'm sayin' you look nice.
So what, was I [bleep] ugly yesterday?
No, I'm saying You look good today.
That's all I'm saying!
So what am I gonna look like tomorrow?
- A monster? - No--what? No.
I'm just saying you're probably gonna look great tomorrow too.
probably? What the hell is "probably?"
I don't...
I mean, you're sure I'm beautiful, or you're not.
I'm--I'm sorry that you're [bleep] beautiful.
You don't sound sure.
I said [bleep]. What more--
How more serious can I be?
Oh. Oh, nice.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Isn't it? Sex?
I didn't say anything about sex!
You didn't have to.
(jazz music of Hail to the Chief starts playing)
♪
(clears throat)
Ooh, honey, I am tired.
I am going to bed.
Good night.
Uh, well...
(laughs)
Is everything okay?
- well, that's, uh--
It's--it's just that I was hoping that--
Well, that we could--
And I-I wanna make this clear.
I-I-I wanna be straightforward.
I want to have a--
Okay. Uh, Luther?
Are you available to translate?
Yes, ma'am.
(clears throat)
I really was hoping we could spend some time together.
When was the last time we had sex, woman?
Reelection night?
What does a brother not named "Bill Clinton"
have to do to get some [bleep] in this house?
Well, you have been very busy lately.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You know what?
If I could j--can we get your translator?
Oh, yes, certainly. Uh, Catendra?
Yeah, honey?
Could you please translate
"Well, you have been very busy lately."
- Sure. - Hm.
My [bleep] ain't one of your limousines
that you can jump in and out of
whenever you feel like.
I don't see you all day,
then you want a booty call?
I need an emotional connection, [bleep].
Thought this was romantic.
I'm [bleep]in' tryin', bitch!
Can't you see?
I'm playin' the romantic music.
I got the pinot in the glasses.
What more do you want from me?
An engraved invitation from my nuts?
maybe we should make a date.
What am I supposed to do,
jump out of my clothes every time
Little Barry stands at attention?
You ain't my commander-in-chief, mother-[bleep],
and my vagina ain't some cave in the Middle East
you can fly your heat-seeking missile into
whenever you feel like it.
Well, I-I didn't mean to call you,
but I-I had meetings all day long.
I'm dealin' with these mother-[bleep] Republicans
hearin' "No, no, no" all day long.
Then I come home, and you ain't gonna let me
get my jam on up in here?
Well, you know, I have had a busy day too.
You act like I ain't got nothin' else to do, [bleep].
I got these obese mother-[bleep]
on my ass 24/7.
What's more important-- you gettin' your wick dipped
or some eight-year-old fat-ass collapsin' in his bunk bed?
Okay.
You seem to be forgettin' job number one.
You are my secretary of [bleep], bitch!
Get to work!
You. (chuckles)
(groaning and moaning)
Luther? Catendra?
Oh, yes, yes, sir.
We'll--we'll take it from here.
- Absolutely--yes, sir. - Yes, ma'am.
Good night. Good night.
(laughs)
(chuckles)
- Come here. - Oh, this feels good.
Um, Mom? Dad?
I know you already said that I can't go,
but can I please go to the party tonight?
Malia, use your translator.
If you don't let me go to this party,
I will get a tattoo
on my face.
- Have fun. - Yeah.
The second amendment Of the Constitution states
that a well-regulated militia, being necessary
for the security of a free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms
shall not be infringed.
- Here, here. - Yes.
Please, gentlemen,
we need all of your signatures.
Gentlemen.
A point of order.
What if someone made a gun
that could shoot, say,
50 people in 30 seconds?
(laughter)
Congressman Peele, we have many orders of business today,
one of which is not judging your sense of humor,
prodigious as it may be.
(laughter)
Then one man
would be able to walk into a crowded area
and kill scores upon scores of people
before anyone would have a chance to stop him.
Congressman Peele,
Where are you getting these harebrained ideas?
How could you possibly know
what the future holds?
Because I am from the future.
I know what this amendment will bring,
And I cannot let any of you sign it.
(gunfire) (screaming)
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
(sighs)
I did it.
Did you see the-- the muskets he had?
Magnificent. (laughs)
Hand me the quill so I can draw them before I forget.
(sighs)
Damn it.
Um, any--any basketball fans In the house tonight?
This is Los Angeles, home of the Lakers,
home of the Clippers.
Basketball is--is-- is mesmerizing to us
because it--it--besides-- except for soldiers,
athletes are like the toughest dudes we have.
- Exactly. - Right?
They're just big, tough,
you know, masculine, physical dudes.
Why they always be floppin'?
You'll see dudes not anywhere near
another guy floppin'.
You'll see a dude comin' down.
And he--my man's like pop, pop, pop, pop.
He's comin' down the court. He's like--
- Cude, dude--dude over here, I'm blockin' him.
(mutters)
- Oh, see. - Come on--come on, man.
This dude.
- Oh. - Me?
(screams)
Me?
Oh, no, but no. But, ref, but how?
That's against physics, y'all. That's against physics.
This dude's gettin' a free throw shot.
- Ttin' - A free throw shot.
I'm gonna take my foul shot right here.
- Ooh. - No. No.
I didn't do nothin'.
Still scoreless with only a few moments remaining.
Travino passes to Federnoir. Sly tackle by Gazza.
Clearly a flop. No contact made.
(Mozart's Requiem playing)
♪
It all comes down to this as the Power Falcons prepare
to take the free kick.
This is the last chance to win the game.
These are the dying seconds of the match.
And what is this? Can you believe it?
Federnoir is back from the bench.
He's alive and he's taking the free kick.
He shoots. he scores. Oh, my!
So many rules clearly broken leading up to that goal,
but they've allowed it.
Power Falcons win this match!
You ever at a party,
and the people are just having a conversation
that's just impossible to break into?
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes, breaking into a conversation,
It's--it's difficult, like getting into
a-a double `utch jump rope session.
- Yeah, exactly. - You know what I mean?
You gotta pick the-- pick the right spot.
Or--or people will look at you weird.
Just like-- ♪ I think the Oakland Raiders ♪
♪ Might be good this year ♪
♪ This might be the year ♪
♪ They got a new dude ♪
♪ He's playin' quarterback ♪
♪ And he's the one that I think ♪
♪ Could bring them back ♪
♪ We are the team to beat in the AFC♪
♪ Forget San Diego ♪
♪ The Chargers are the worst-- ♪
♪ I don't watch football I don't watch football ♪
♪ I am more of a basketball-- ♪
Oh, my God. Oh, [bleep].
(groans)
(all moaning and groaning)
Whoa.
(laughs)
Hi.
That wasn't-- expected to see you
all undulatin' up here.
Uh, hi.
I just put my jacket on the bed
when I first came to the party,
but I didn't realize that the party
made its way up here.
But I'll get that now.
I will, if you--
Carol, I don't know if you're in there somewhere,
but wherever you are,
thank you for the invitation.
I really enjoyed myself.
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
Okay, hey, sir, I think I see my jacket.
I think--I think your arm is in the sleeve, actually.
I'll grab-- that's not my jacket,
and that's not your arm.
It's not your arm. White people are crazy.
just lookin' for a jacket.
Sir, okay, yes, Very nice mustache.
I've never seen one above the nose.
That's interesting. That's not your nose.
Okay, sorry to disturb you, sir.
Just lookin' for a jacket,
just a ordinary man lookin' for a jacket.
You wanna say something to me, sir?
Are you try-- Oh, wait a minute.
Mm-mm. No, thank you very much, sir.
It tasted a little bit like salty butt hole,
but that's okay.
It's tweed, the jacket I'm talking about,
and it's got leather patches on it.
Just--oh, maybe this is it.
Thank you, found it, and-- nope, that's not it,
but congratulations, ma'am.
You are doing great with what God gave you.
Nope, don't look at me in the eyes, ma'am.
I don't want you to steal my soul.
Hi, ladies. Very nice to meet you.
And, sir, yes, I do see you too.
Okay, yes. White people are crazy.
Oh, no, I'm--I'm okay. I really am.
I'm already seeing a-a group of people,
And we're taking it slowly.
We are taking it slowly.
It's a church.
Maybe some of y'all would be interested
in looking into that.
Not mine, but one somewhere,
If that's-- Okay, thank you, ma'am, for--
There it is. I found it.
Found the jacket. It's right here.
I'ma pull it, and I believe
it might be lost somewhere within you.
I'm just guessing because that
is just a little bit of resistance.
All right, There we go.
And you know what? That is going to be yours.
Keep it, thank you. Cover yourselves up.
Carol, if you're in there,
I'll see you at the office tomorrow.
Just bring the bowl. You can finish the egg salad.
My God, White people crazy.
Welcome to Metta World News.
I wish
there was a genie in here.
Well, that wraps up Metta World News
For this Wednesday, March Hybrid Ice Rink.
I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.
Hey, Jay, where is that genie?
The spoiler alert started in a--
You know, pretty-- you know, not long ago.
But now, everybody's talking about spoiler alerts
all the time.
We hate spoiler alerts,
and the thing is do not tell me
that you're not gonna ruin the movie for me.
But by you saying, "I'm not gonna ruin it,"
you're already ruining it.
I know something special's gonna happen.
I know there's a twist.
I know there's a twist, so just shut your mouth,
say, "yeah, movie was good, pretty straightforward
"beginning to end."
And I've been guilty of it 'cause, you know,
I'm the one-- I'm the person who be like,
"Have you seen-- Did you see--"
No, don't. Dude, don't do it.
See, now, I know something's up.
It's not--but listen, I just wanna tell you this one thing.
- Do you... - It's--I swear.
It's not gonna ruin the movie.
I'm already thinkin' what could possibly happen with this.
It's not--okay, listen, I'm-- All right.
You know what? No, it's good.
- It's--I'm just--no. - No, okay.
All right, just-- if you can promise
you're going to tell me something
that won't give anything away--
Yes, this is-- It's--it's not--
This is not integral to the story, okay?
- Bruce Willis is a ghost. - [bleep] you.
(laughter and applause)
Johnny.
Okay, Carter.
I can stay here all night.
So why don't you and I cut the crap,
and you tell me what happened on March 15th?
And what's in it for Carter Finley?
What's in it for you
is I don't send you back to jail.
(sighs)
The guy's name is Cat Branchman.
I met him downtown at a club called "The Clutching Kitten."
You may have heard of it.
It's down on the corner of Hang and Fur Street.
Cat Branchman.
So what's a guy like you
And a guy named Cat--
(sighs)
Okay.
I know what you're doin', Finley.
You're just using what you see in my poster.
I'm not, Detective.
I'm telling the truth.
We'll see how much truth you tell
after a few weeks in solitary confine--
Fine, Detective.
- You've twisted my arm. - Now, that's better.
The guy's name wasn't Cat Branchman.
Thank you.
It was a Chinese guy named "Mr. Meow."
He's the real gang boss.
Story went he hung guys from trees
and took pictures of them.
- Finley. - Used to run a club downtown.
A front, of course. Called it "The Paw and Poster."
Finley.
Ran it with a guy named "Hong In Thar."
Okay.
Let's try this one more time.
Finley?
Who do you work for?
Um...
Coffee. Mr. Coffee Coop.
You--Coffee Coop?
His name was "Baldy Tall Man Coffee Coop."
(sighs)
Now you're just talking about me.
Finley, I'm gonna give you one more chance.
Who is in charge?
His name was "Angry Man."
(sighs)
The warehouse is located
in the diploma for being a detective.
- I want a name. - Justin.
Thank you.
- Hangtree-- - Don't say "hang."
God damn it, Do not say "hang."
- Hang-- - Nope.
- Hangman Justin Cats... - Finley.
- Poster. - Do not say "poster" or "cat."
- Cat Poster. - Okay, that's it.
I'm losing my patience.
Winslow, get this moron outta here.
(sighs)
I'm losing my patience.
Let's try this one more time.
I'm gettin too old for this [bleep].
(groans)
Well-played, Detective.
Well-played, indeed.
Hey, Carter.
You hang in there.
Thank you so much for coming out today, everybody.
Thank you. Good night.
- No, no. - That's not--
No. What? Me?
♪ I'm gonna do My one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com
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