1
00:00:06,311 --> 00:00:08,311
(water bubbling)

2
00:00:08,774 --> 00:00:10,774
(inhales)

3
00:00:11,248 --> 00:00:13,146
(exhales)

4
00:00:13,620 --> 00:00:15,105
Hey! You know what?

5
00:00:15,521 --> 00:00:16,882
Let me hit that.

6
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,769
- Really?
- I can handle it.

7
00:00:19,803 --> 00:00:23,139
I am certain
that you cannot.

8
00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:26,682
Nah, come on, I smoked
a ton of weed in the '90s.

9
00:00:26,717 --> 00:00:28,195
Right, the '90s.

10
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:31,777
Um, you know, weed has gotten
a lot stronger since then.

11
00:00:31,811 --> 00:00:34,490
You honestly think
It's gotten so much stronger

12
00:00:34,524 --> 00:00:35,662
that I just flat-out
can't handle it?

13
00:00:35,696 --> 00:00:36,663
You think
I'm such a lightweight,

14
00:00:36,697 --> 00:00:37,831
That if I take
one puff--

15
00:00:37,865 --> 00:00:39,704
Keegan, you already
took a puff an hour ago.

16
00:00:39,738 --> 00:00:43,476
We've had the same conversation
15 times in a row.

17
00:00:45,482 --> 00:00:48,518
Yeah.

18
00:00:48,552 --> 00:00:50,322
(flicks lighter)

19
00:00:50,356 --> 00:00:51,425
(water bubbling)

20
00:00:51,459 --> 00:00:54,060
(inhales)

21
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,832
Hey, you know what?
Let me hit that.

22
00:00:58,866 --> 00:00:59,900
Really?

23
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,837
(soul music)

24
00:01:02,871 --> 00:01:06,727
♪

25
00:01:11,993 --> 00:01:14,992
Subs created by David Coleman.

26
00:01:15,169 --> 00:01:19,092
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

27
00:01:19,362 --> 00:01:23,332
(cheers and applause)

28
00:01:27,036 --> 00:01:28,337
Thank you.

29
00:01:28,371 --> 00:01:30,274
Thank you so much
for coming out.

30
00:01:30,308 --> 00:01:32,142
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.

31
00:01:32,177 --> 00:01:33,846
- And we are Key and Peele.
- Yes, we are.

32
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,316
Thank you for coming.

33
00:01:36,351 --> 00:01:37,684
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

34
00:01:37,718 --> 00:01:39,887
We wanna talk about the ladies
for a second.

35
00:01:39,921 --> 00:01:41,155
We wanna talk about them
and to them.

36
00:01:41,189 --> 00:01:42,990
- Hey.
- Hey!

37
00:01:43,025 --> 00:01:44,592
(laughter)

38
00:01:44,627 --> 00:01:47,630
You guys, have you ever just
woken up in trouble somehow?

39
00:01:47,664 --> 00:01:49,932
Like, "How did I get
in trouble

40
00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:51,868
"during an unconscious state?"

41
00:01:51,902 --> 00:01:52,969
You just walk--
Sometimes, you'll just walk

42
00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:54,204
into the kitchen
in the morning,

43
00:01:54,238 --> 00:01:55,639
just be like,
"Hey, what's goin' on?

44
00:01:55,673 --> 00:01:57,775
- "You look nice."
- Yeah.

45
00:01:57,809 --> 00:02:01,212
What does that mean?

46
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,347
You look nice.

47
00:02:02,381 --> 00:02:04,417
I mean, I'm sayin'
you look nice.

48
00:02:04,451 --> 00:02:07,954
So what, was I [bleep]
ugly yesterday?

49
00:02:07,988 --> 00:02:10,056
No, I'm saying
You look good today.

50
00:02:10,091 --> 00:02:11,591
That's all I'm saying!

51
00:02:11,626 --> 00:02:12,893
So what am I gonna
look like tomorrow?

52
00:02:12,927 --> 00:02:15,128
- A monster?
- No--what? No.

53
00:02:15,163 --> 00:02:17,397
I'm just saying you're probably
gonna look great tomorrow too.

54
00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:19,366
probably?
What the hell is "probably?"

55
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,968
I don't...

56
00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:23,137
I mean, you're sure
I'm beautiful, or you're not.

57
00:02:23,171 --> 00:02:25,607
I'm--I'm sorry that you're
[bleep] beautiful.

58
00:02:25,641 --> 00:02:27,609
You don't sound sure.

59
00:02:27,643 --> 00:02:29,077
I said [bleep].
What more--

60
00:02:29,112 --> 00:02:30,512
How more serious
can I be?

61
00:02:30,547 --> 00:02:31,881
Oh.
Oh, nice.

62
00:02:31,915 --> 00:02:33,516
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

63
00:02:33,551 --> 00:02:34,684
Isn't it? Sex?

64
00:02:34,718 --> 00:02:37,921
I didn't say anything
about sex!

65
00:02:37,956 --> 00:02:41,825
You didn't have to.

66
00:02:48,598 --> 00:02:51,567
(jazz music of <i>Hail to the Chief</i>
starts playing)

67
00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:55,986
♪

68
00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,616
(clears throat)

69
00:03:04,650 --> 00:03:07,151
Ooh, honey,
I am tired.

70
00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:08,386
I am going to bed.

71
00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:09,988
Good night.

72
00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:13,658
Uh, well...

73
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,294
(laughs)

74
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:17,797
Is everything okay?

75
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,699
- well, that's, uh--

76
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:24,805
It's--it's just
that I was hoping that--

77
00:03:24,839 --> 00:03:25,873
Well, that we could--

78
00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:29,443
And I-I wanna make
this clear.

79
00:03:29,478 --> 00:03:32,080
I-I-I wanna
be straightforward.

80
00:03:32,114 --> 00:03:35,184
I want to have a--

81
00:03:35,218 --> 00:03:36,585
Okay.
Uh, Luther?

82
00:03:36,619 --> 00:03:38,654
Are you available
to translate?

83
00:03:38,688 --> 00:03:40,322
Yes, ma'am.

84
00:03:40,357 --> 00:03:42,958
(clears throat)

85
00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:45,695
I really was hoping we could
spend some time together.

86
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:47,864
When was the last time
we had sex, woman?

87
00:03:47,899 --> 00:03:48,999
Reelection night?

88
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:50,767
What does a brother
not named "Bill Clinton"

89
00:03:50,802 --> 00:03:53,136
have to do to get some [bleep]
in this house?

90
00:03:53,171 --> 00:03:56,874
Well, you have been
very busy lately.

91
00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:58,309
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

92
00:03:58,343 --> 00:03:59,577
You know what?

93
00:03:59,611 --> 00:04:01,846
If I could j--can
we get your translator?

94
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,415
Oh, yes, certainly.
Uh, Catendra?

95
00:04:07,888 --> 00:04:09,021
Yeah, honey?

96
00:04:09,056 --> 00:04:10,289
Could you please translate

97
00:04:10,324 --> 00:04:13,226
"Well, you have been
very busy lately."

98
00:04:13,260 --> 00:04:14,860
- Sure.
- Hm.

99
00:04:14,895 --> 00:04:16,562
My [bleep] ain't
one of your limousines

100
00:04:16,597 --> 00:04:17,964
that you can jump
in and out of

101
00:04:17,998 --> 00:04:19,532
whenever you feel like.

102
00:04:19,566 --> 00:04:21,701
I don't see you
all day,

103
00:04:21,736 --> 00:04:23,937
then you want
a booty call?

104
00:04:23,971 --> 00:04:27,307
I need an emotional
connection, [bleep].

105
00:04:27,341 --> 00:04:29,276
Thought this was romantic.

106
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,211
I'm [bleep]in'
tryin', bitch!

107
00:04:31,245 --> 00:04:32,345
Can't you see?

108
00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:34,014
I'm playin'
the romantic music.

109
00:04:34,048 --> 00:04:35,816
I got the pinot
in the glasses.

110
00:04:35,851 --> 00:04:37,385
What more do you want
from me?

111
00:04:37,419 --> 00:04:40,121
An engraved invitation
from my nuts?

112
00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:42,891
maybe we should make
a date.

113
00:04:42,925 --> 00:04:44,159
What am I supposed
to do,

114
00:04:44,193 --> 00:04:45,627
jump out of my clothes
every time

115
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,495
Little Barry stands
at attention?

116
00:04:47,530 --> 00:04:50,532
You ain't my commander-in-chief,
mother-[bleep],

117
00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:53,535
and my vagina ain't some cave
in the Middle East

118
00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:55,704
you can fly
your heat-seeking missile into

119
00:04:55,739 --> 00:04:58,241
whenever you feel
like it.

120
00:04:58,275 --> 00:05:01,076
Well, I-I didn't mean
to call you,

121
00:05:01,110 --> 00:05:03,278
but I-I had meetings
all day long.

122
00:05:03,312 --> 00:05:06,313
I'm dealin' with these
mother-[bleep] Republicans

123
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:08,448
hearin' "No, no, no"
all day long.

124
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,283
Then I come home,
and you ain't gonna let me

125
00:05:10,317 --> 00:05:12,083
get my jam on
up in here?

126
00:05:12,118 --> 00:05:16,219
Well, you know,
I have had a busy day too.

127
00:05:16,254 --> 00:05:19,255
You act like I ain't got
nothin' else to do, [bleep].

128
00:05:19,289 --> 00:05:21,124
I got
these obese mother-[bleep]

129
00:05:21,158 --> 00:05:23,259
on my ass 24/7.

130
00:05:23,294 --> 00:05:26,262
What's more important--
you gettin' your wick dipped

131
00:05:26,297 --> 00:05:29,866
or some eight-year-old fat-ass
collapsin' in his bunk bed?

132
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,067
Okay.

133
00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:33,803
You seem to be forgettin'
job number one.

134
00:05:33,838 --> 00:05:36,407
You are my secretary
of [bleep], bitch!

135
00:05:36,441 --> 00:05:38,476
Get to work!

136
00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:42,446
You.
(chuckles)

137
00:05:47,018 --> 00:05:50,954
(groaning and moaning)

138
00:05:50,988 --> 00:05:52,756
Luther?
Catendra?

139
00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:53,924
Oh, yes, yes, sir.

140
00:05:53,958 --> 00:05:55,492
We'll--we'll take it
from here.

141
00:05:55,526 --> 00:05:56,493
- Absolutely--yes, sir.
- Yes, ma'am.

142
00:05:56,527 --> 00:05:58,629
Good night.
Good night.

143
00:05:58,663 --> 00:06:01,531
(laughs)

144
00:06:01,565 --> 00:06:02,566
(chuckles)

145
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,735
- Come here.
- Oh, this feels good.

146
00:06:04,769 --> 00:06:06,637
Um, Mom?
Dad?

147
00:06:06,671 --> 00:06:08,539
I know you already said
that I can't go,

148
00:06:08,573 --> 00:06:10,808
but can I please go
to the party tonight?

149
00:06:10,842 --> 00:06:14,612
Malia, use your translator.

150
00:06:14,646 --> 00:06:16,380
If you don't let me go
to this party,

151
00:06:16,415 --> 00:06:18,382
I will get a tattoo

152
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:20,017
on my face.

153
00:06:20,052 --> 00:06:21,352
- Have fun.
- Yeah.

154
00:06:25,075 --> 00:06:28,043
The second amendment
Of the Constitution states

155
00:06:28,078 --> 00:06:31,147
that a well-regulated militia,
being necessary

156
00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:33,215
for the security
of a free state,

157
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:36,051
the right of the people
to keep and bear arms

158
00:06:36,086 --> 00:06:37,720
shall not be infringed.

159
00:06:37,754 --> 00:06:39,355
- Here, here.
- Yes.

160
00:06:39,389 --> 00:06:40,490
Please, gentlemen,

161
00:06:40,524 --> 00:06:42,192
we need all
of your signatures.

162
00:06:42,226 --> 00:06:44,227
Gentlemen.

163
00:06:44,262 --> 00:06:47,130
A point of order.

164
00:06:47,164 --> 00:06:50,400
What if someone made
a gun

165
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:52,535
that could shoot, say,

166
00:06:52,569 --> 00:06:55,137
50 people
in 30 seconds?

167
00:06:55,172 --> 00:06:57,807
(laughter)

168
00:06:57,841 --> 00:07:00,943
Congressman Peele, we have
many orders of business today,

169
00:07:00,977 --> 00:07:04,480
one of which is not judging
your sense of humor,

170
00:07:04,514 --> 00:07:05,481
prodigious as
it may be.

171
00:07:05,515 --> 00:07:08,418
(laughter)

172
00:07:08,452 --> 00:07:10,553
Then one man

173
00:07:10,587 --> 00:07:13,456
would be able to walk
into a crowded area

174
00:07:13,490 --> 00:07:16,658
and kill scores upon scores
of people

175
00:07:16,693 --> 00:07:22,498
before anyone would have
a chance to stop him.

176
00:07:22,532 --> 00:07:23,866
Congressman Peele,

177
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:27,470
Where are you getting
these harebrained ideas?

178
00:07:27,504 --> 00:07:30,005
How could
you possibly know

179
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,610
what the future holds?

180
00:07:35,713 --> 00:07:39,650
Because I am
from the future.

181
00:07:39,684 --> 00:07:41,385
I know what this amendment
will bring,

182
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,555
And I cannot let
any of you sign it.

183
00:07:47,459 --> 00:07:50,260
(gunfire)
(screaming)

184
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:58,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

185
00:08:15,185 --> 00:08:16,619
(sighs)

186
00:08:16,653 --> 00:08:18,288
I did it.

187
00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:22,960
Did you see the--
the muskets he had?

188
00:08:22,994 --> 00:08:24,561
Magnificent.
(laughs)

189
00:08:24,596 --> 00:08:27,432
Hand me the quill so I can
draw them before I forget.

190
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:32,904
(sighs)

191
00:08:32,938 --> 00:08:36,875
Damn it.

192
00:08:36,909 --> 00:08:41,946
Um, any--any basketball fans
In the house tonight?

193
00:08:41,981 --> 00:08:43,848
This is Los Angeles,
home of the Lakers,

194
00:08:43,882 --> 00:08:45,083
home of the Clippers.

195
00:08:45,117 --> 00:08:47,585
Basketball is--is--
is mesmerizing to us

196
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:49,954
because it--it--besides--
except for soldiers,

197
00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:51,256
athletes are like
the toughest dudes we have.

198
00:08:51,290 --> 00:08:52,257
- Exactly.
- Right?

199
00:08:52,291 --> 00:08:53,391
They're just big, tough,

200
00:08:53,426 --> 00:08:55,594
you know, masculine,
physical dudes.

201
00:08:55,628 --> 00:08:57,863
Why they always
be floppin'?

202
00:08:57,898 --> 00:08:59,331
You'll see dudes
not anywhere near

203
00:08:59,366 --> 00:09:00,432
another guy floppin'.

204
00:09:00,467 --> 00:09:01,600
You'll see a dude
comin' down.

205
00:09:01,634 --> 00:09:02,935
And he--my man's
like pop, pop, pop, pop.

206
00:09:02,969 --> 00:09:04,336
He's comin' down the court.
He's like--

207
00:09:04,371 --> 00:09:05,804
- Cude, dude--dude over here,
I'm blockin' him.

208
00:09:05,839 --> 00:09:07,606
(mutters)

209
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,208
- Oh, see.
- Come on--come on, man.

210
00:09:10,242 --> 00:09:11,576
This dude.

211
00:09:11,610 --> 00:09:14,179
- Oh.
- Me?

212
00:09:14,213 --> 00:09:16,815
(screams)

213
00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,483
Me?

214
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:22,388
Oh, no, but no.
But, ref, but how?

215
00:09:22,422 --> 00:09:25,057
That's against physics, y'all.
That's against physics.

216
00:09:25,091 --> 00:09:25,657
This dude's gettin'
a free throw shot.

217
00:09:25,692 --> 00:09:27,426
- Ttin'
- A free throw shot.

218
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,361
I'm gonna take my foul shot
right here.

219
00:09:29,395 --> 00:09:31,029
- Ooh.
- No. No.

220
00:09:31,064 --> 00:09:33,192
I didn't do nothin'.

221
00:09:34,053 --> 00:09:37,289
<i>Still scoreless with only
a few moments remaining.

222
00:09:37,304 --> 00:09:41,674
<i>Travino passes to Federnoir.
Sly tackle by Gazza.

223
00:09:41,708 --> 00:09:44,510
<i>Clearly a flop.
No contact made.

224
00:09:44,545 --> 00:09:47,613
(Mozart's <i>Requiem</i> playing)

225
00:09:47,647 --> 00:09:52,536
♪

226
00:11:42,052 --> 00:11:45,066
<i>It all comes down to this
as the Power Falcons prepare

227
00:11:45,154 --> 00:11:46,304
<i>to take the free kick.

228
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:47,906
<i>This is the last chance
to win the game.

229
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:51,218
<i>These are the dying seconds
of the match.

230
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:07,769
<i>And what is this?
Can you believe it?

231
00:12:07,788 --> 00:12:09,731
<i>Federnoir is back
from the bench.

232
00:12:09,768 --> 00:12:12,264
<i>He's alive and
he's taking the free kick.

233
00:12:12,302 --> 00:12:15,913
<i>He shoots. he scores.
Oh, my!

234
00:12:16,433 --> 00:12:19,454
<i>So many rules clearly broken
leading up to that goal,

235
00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:21,150
<i>but they've allowed it.

236
00:12:21,498 --> 00:12:24,467
<i>Power Falcons win
this match!

237
00:12:30,137 --> 00:12:31,403
You ever at a party,

238
00:12:31,438 --> 00:12:33,038
and the people are just having
a conversation

239
00:12:33,072 --> 00:12:35,173
that's just impossible
to break into?

240
00:12:35,207 --> 00:12:36,340
Yes, yeah, yeah.

241
00:12:36,375 --> 00:12:38,676
Sometimes, breaking
into a conversation,

242
00:12:38,711 --> 00:12:40,378
It's--it's difficult,
like getting into

243
00:12:40,413 --> 00:12:42,347
a-a double `utch
jump rope session.

244
00:12:42,381 --> 00:12:43,482
- Yeah, exactly.
- You know what I mean?

245
00:12:43,516 --> 00:12:45,451
You gotta pick the--
pick the right spot.

246
00:12:45,485 --> 00:12:46,719
Or--or people will
look at you weird.

247
00:12:46,753 --> 00:12:49,021
Just like--
♪ I think the Oakland Raiders ♪

248
00:12:49,055 --> 00:12:50,789
♪ Might be good this year ♪

249
00:12:50,824 --> 00:12:52,091
♪ This might be the year ♪

250
00:12:52,125 --> 00:12:53,892
♪ They got a new dude ♪

251
00:12:53,926 --> 00:12:55,327
♪ He's playin' quarterback ♪

252
00:12:55,361 --> 00:12:57,295
♪ And he's the one
that I think ♪

253
00:12:57,329 --> 00:12:58,930
♪ Could bring them back ♪

254
00:12:58,964 --> 00:13:01,933
♪ We are the team to beat
in the AFC♪

255
00:13:01,968 --> 00:13:03,034
♪ Forget San Diego ♪

256
00:13:03,069 --> 00:13:04,536
♪ The Chargers
are the worst-- ♪

257
00:13:04,570 --> 00:13:06,904
♪ I don't watch football
I don't watch football ♪

258
00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:09,040
♪ I am more
of a basketball-- ♪

259
00:13:09,074 --> 00:13:11,209
Oh, my God.
Oh, [bleep].

260
00:13:11,243 --> 00:13:14,979
(groans)

261
00:13:15,014 --> 00:13:18,949
(all moaning and groaning)

262
00:13:20,952 --> 00:13:22,186
Whoa.

263
00:13:22,220 --> 00:13:23,287
(laughs)

264
00:13:23,321 --> 00:13:24,454
Hi.

265
00:13:24,489 --> 00:13:27,123
That wasn't--
expected to see you

266
00:13:27,158 --> 00:13:29,392
all undulatin' up here.

267
00:13:29,427 --> 00:13:30,393
Uh, hi.

268
00:13:30,428 --> 00:13:32,529
I just put my jacket
on the bed

269
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:34,164
when I first came
to the party,

270
00:13:34,198 --> 00:13:36,433
but I didn't realize
that the party

271
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,902
made its way
up here.

272
00:13:37,936 --> 00:13:39,303
But I'll get
that now.

273
00:13:39,337 --> 00:13:40,971
I will, if you--

274
00:13:41,006 --> 00:13:44,008
Carol, I don't know
if you're in there somewhere,

275
00:13:44,043 --> 00:13:45,743
but wherever you are,

276
00:13:45,778 --> 00:13:47,345
thank you
for the invitation.

277
00:13:47,379 --> 00:13:48,546
I really enjoyed myself.

278
00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:50,147
I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

279
00:13:50,181 --> 00:13:52,315
Okay, hey, sir, I think
I see my jacket.

280
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:54,751
I think--I think your arm
is in the sleeve, actually.

281
00:13:54,786 --> 00:13:56,119
I'll grab--
that's not my jacket,

282
00:13:56,154 --> 00:13:57,688
and that's
not your arm.

283
00:13:57,722 --> 00:14:00,257
It's not your arm.
White people are crazy.

284
00:14:00,291 --> 00:14:03,226
White people are crazy.
just lookin' for a jacket.

285
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,828
Sir, okay, yes,
Very nice mustache.

286
00:14:05,863 --> 00:14:07,497
I've never seen one
above the nose.

287
00:14:07,531 --> 00:14:09,733
That's interesting.
That's not your nose.

288
00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:12,135
Okay, sorry
to disturb you, sir.

289
00:14:12,169 --> 00:14:13,369
Just lookin' for
a jacket,

290
00:14:13,404 --> 00:14:15,505
just a ordinary man
lookin' for a jacket.

291
00:14:15,539 --> 00:14:16,706
You wanna say something
to me, sir?

292
00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:17,774
Are you try--
Oh, wait a minute.

293
00:14:17,808 --> 00:14:20,209
Mm-mm.
No, thank you very much, sir.

294
00:14:20,244 --> 00:14:21,778
It tasted a little bit
like salty butt hole,

295
00:14:21,812 --> 00:14:23,079
but that's okay.

296
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:25,615
It's tweed,
the jacket I'm talking about,

297
00:14:25,649 --> 00:14:27,417
and it's got leather patches
on it.

298
00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:28,752
Just--oh, maybe
this is it.

299
00:14:28,786 --> 00:14:31,121
Thank you, found it, and--
nope, that's not it,

300
00:14:31,155 --> 00:14:32,522
but congratulations, ma'am.

301
00:14:32,557 --> 00:14:35,459
You are doing great
with what God gave you.

302
00:14:35,493 --> 00:14:37,695
Nope, don't look at me
in the eyes, ma'am.

303
00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:39,596
I don't want you
to steal my soul.

304
00:14:39,631 --> 00:14:41,598
Hi, ladies.
Very nice to meet you.

305
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:43,166
And, sir,
yes, I do see you too.

306
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,102
Okay, yes.
White people are crazy.

307
00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:48,738
Oh, no, I'm--I'm okay.
I really am.

308
00:14:48,773 --> 00:14:51,875
I'm already seeing
a-a group of people,

309
00:14:51,909 --> 00:14:53,277
And we're
taking it slowly.

310
00:14:53,311 --> 00:14:54,378
We are
taking it slowly.

311
00:14:54,412 --> 00:14:55,579
It's a church.

312
00:14:55,613 --> 00:14:57,548
Maybe some of y'all
would be interested

313
00:14:57,583 --> 00:14:58,549
in looking into that.

314
00:14:58,584 --> 00:15:01,118
Not mine,
but one somewhere,

315
00:15:01,153 --> 00:15:03,454
If that's--
Okay, thank you, ma'am, for--

316
00:15:03,488 --> 00:15:04,854
There it is.
I found it.

317
00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:06,723
Found the jacket.
It's right here.

318
00:15:06,757 --> 00:15:07,957
I'ma pull it,
and I believe

319
00:15:07,992 --> 00:15:10,694
it might be lost somewhere
within you.

320
00:15:10,728 --> 00:15:12,062
I'm just guessing
because that

321
00:15:12,096 --> 00:15:15,331
is just a little bit
of resistance.

322
00:15:15,366 --> 00:15:16,599
All right,
There we go.

323
00:15:16,634 --> 00:15:19,469
And you know what?
That is going to be yours.

324
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:21,204
Keep it, thank you.
Cover yourselves up.

325
00:15:21,238 --> 00:15:22,805
Carol, if you're
in there,

326
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,107
I'll see you
at the office tomorrow.

327
00:15:24,141 --> 00:15:26,409
Just bring the bowl.
You can finish the egg salad.

328
00:15:26,443 --> 00:15:28,745
My God,
White people crazy.

329
00:15:33,618 --> 00:15:36,620
Welcome to Metta
World News.

330
00:15:40,358 --> 00:15:42,359
I wish

331
00:15:42,393 --> 00:15:45,395
there was a genie
in here.

332
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:50,233
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News

333
00:15:50,268 --> 00:15:52,603
For this Wednesday,
March Hybrid Ice Rink.

334
00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:55,839
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.

335
00:15:55,894 --> 00:15:57,940
Hey, Jay,
where is that genie?

336
00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:01,771
The spoiler alert
started in a--

337
00:16:01,805 --> 00:16:03,573
You know, pretty--
you know, not long ago.

338
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:04,841
But now, everybody's talking
about spoiler alerts

339
00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:05,841
all the time.

340
00:16:05,876 --> 00:16:06,842
We hate spoiler alerts,

341
00:16:06,876 --> 00:16:09,278
and the thing is
do not tell me

342
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:11,847
that you're not gonna ruin
the movie for me.

343
00:16:11,881 --> 00:16:13,348
But by you saying,
"I'm not gonna ruin it,"

344
00:16:13,382 --> 00:16:14,583
you're already ruining it.

345
00:16:14,617 --> 00:16:16,518
I know something special's
gonna happen.

346
00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:17,786
I know there's a twist.

347
00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:20,589
I know there's a twist,
so just shut your mouth,

348
00:16:20,623 --> 00:16:23,125
say, "yeah, movie was good,
pretty straightforward

349
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,194
"beginning to end."

350
00:16:25,229 --> 00:16:26,496
And I've been guilty of it
'cause, you know,

351
00:16:26,530 --> 00:16:27,497
I'm the one--
I'm the person who be like,

352
00:16:27,532 --> 00:16:28,599
"Have you seen--
Did you see--"

353
00:16:28,633 --> 00:16:31,869
No, don't.
Dude, don't do it.

354
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,604
See, now,
I know something's up.

355
00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:35,906
It's not--but listen, I just
wanna tell you this one thing.

356
00:16:35,941 --> 00:16:37,374
- Do you...
- It's--I swear.

357
00:16:37,409 --> 00:16:38,909
It's not gonna ruin
the movie.

358
00:16:38,944 --> 00:16:41,746
I'm already thinkin' what
could possibly happen with this.

359
00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:43,748
It's not--okay, listen, I'm--
All right.

360
00:16:43,782 --> 00:16:44,915
You know what?
No, it's good.

361
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:49,554
- It's--I'm just--no.
- No, okay.

362
00:16:49,588 --> 00:16:51,289
All right, just--
if you can promise

363
00:16:51,323 --> 00:16:52,390
you're going
to tell me something

364
00:16:52,424 --> 00:16:53,558
that won't give
anything away--

365
00:16:53,592 --> 00:16:54,926
Yes, this is--
It's--it's not--

366
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,662
This is not integral
to the story, okay?

367
00:16:57,696 --> 00:16:59,363
- Bruce Willis is a ghost.
- [bleep] you.

368
00:16:59,398 --> 00:17:03,334
(laughter and applause)

369
00:17:07,072 --> 00:17:08,906
Johnny.

370
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:11,642
Okay, Carter.

371
00:17:11,677 --> 00:17:13,911
I can stay here
all night.

372
00:17:13,946 --> 00:17:16,314
So why don't
you and I cut the crap,

373
00:17:16,348 --> 00:17:21,085
and you tell me what happened
on March 15th?

374
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,420
And what's in it
for Carter Finley?

375
00:17:23,455 --> 00:17:24,688
What's in it
for you

376
00:17:24,723 --> 00:17:28,726
is I don't send you back
to jail.

377
00:17:34,099 --> 00:17:36,301
(sighs)

378
00:17:36,335 --> 00:17:39,137
The guy's name
is Cat Branchman.

379
00:17:39,172 --> 00:17:42,908
I met him downtown at a club
called "The Clutching Kitten."

380
00:17:42,942 --> 00:17:44,309
You may have heard
of it.

381
00:17:44,343 --> 00:17:48,279
It's down on the corner
of Hang and Fur Street.

382
00:17:48,314 --> 00:17:51,583
Cat Branchman.

383
00:17:51,617 --> 00:17:53,719
So what's a guy
like you

384
00:17:53,753 --> 00:17:56,756
And a guy named Cat--

385
00:18:04,331 --> 00:18:06,632
(sighs)

386
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:08,100
Okay.

387
00:18:08,135 --> 00:18:09,936
I know what
you're doin', Finley.

388
00:18:09,970 --> 00:18:11,904
You're just using what you see
in my poster.

389
00:18:11,939 --> 00:18:14,140
I'm not, Detective.

390
00:18:14,174 --> 00:18:16,008
I'm telling the truth.

391
00:18:16,043 --> 00:18:17,176
We'll see how much truth
you tell

392
00:18:17,211 --> 00:18:18,911
after a few weeks
in solitary confine--

393
00:18:18,946 --> 00:18:20,446
Fine, Detective.

394
00:18:20,481 --> 00:18:24,284
- You've twisted my arm.
- Now, that's better.

395
00:18:24,318 --> 00:18:26,486
The guy's name wasn't
Cat Branchman.

396
00:18:26,521 --> 00:18:27,888
Thank you.

397
00:18:27,922 --> 00:18:32,459
It was a Chinese guy named
"Mr. Meow."

398
00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:35,328
He's the real
gang boss.

399
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:37,964
Story went he hung guys
from trees

400
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:39,533
and took pictures
of them.

401
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:41,968
- Finley.
- Used to run a club downtown.

402
00:18:42,003 --> 00:18:45,405
A front, of course.
Called it "The Paw and Poster."

403
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,506
Finley.

404
00:18:46,541 --> 00:18:51,245
Ran it with a guy named
"Hong In Thar."

405
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,115
Okay.

406
00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:56,951
Let's try this
one more time.

407
00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:02,557
Finley?

408
00:19:02,591 --> 00:19:04,625
Who do you work for?

409
00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:06,961
Um...

410
00:19:06,995 --> 00:19:11,265
Coffee.
Mr. Coffee Coop.

411
00:19:11,299 --> 00:19:13,567
You--Coffee Coop?

412
00:19:13,602 --> 00:19:17,172
His name was
"Baldy Tall Man Coffee Coop."

413
00:19:17,206 --> 00:19:18,206
(sighs)

414
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:19,941
Now you're just talking
about me.

415
00:19:19,976 --> 00:19:23,678
Finley, I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

416
00:19:23,712 --> 00:19:25,613
Who is in charge?

417
00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:29,149
His name was
"Angry Man."

418
00:19:29,184 --> 00:19:30,284
(sighs)

419
00:19:30,318 --> 00:19:32,353
The warehouse is located

420
00:19:32,387 --> 00:19:37,257
in the diploma
for being a detective.

421
00:19:37,292 --> 00:19:39,326
- I want a name.
- Justin.

422
00:19:39,361 --> 00:19:40,628
Thank you.

423
00:19:40,662 --> 00:19:43,097
- Hangtree--
- Don't say "hang."

424
00:19:43,131 --> 00:19:46,133
God damn it,
Do not say "hang."

425
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:47,334
- Hang--
- Nope.

426
00:19:47,369 --> 00:19:50,672
- Hangman Justin Cats...
- Finley.

427
00:19:50,706 --> 00:19:55,977
- Poster.
- Do not say "poster" or "cat."

428
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:57,746
- Cat Poster.
- Okay, that's it.

429
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,981
I'm losing my patience.

430
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:04,285
Winslow, get this moron
outta here.

431
00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:08,322
(sighs)

432
00:20:14,496 --> 00:20:19,368
I'm losing my patience.

433
00:20:19,402 --> 00:20:22,805
Let's try this
one more time.

434
00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:25,774
I'm gettin too old
for this [bleep].

435
00:20:29,245 --> 00:20:30,212
(groans)

436
00:20:30,246 --> 00:20:33,315
Well-played, Detective.

437
00:20:33,349 --> 00:20:35,918
Well-played, indeed.

438
00:20:35,952 --> 00:20:38,687
Hey, Carter.

439
00:20:38,721 --> 00:20:41,890
You hang in there.

440
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:48,696
Thank you so much
for coming out today, everybody.

441
00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:50,365
Thank you.
Good night.

442
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,434
- No, no.
- That's not--

443
00:20:52,469 --> 00:20:55,237
No.
What? Me?

444
00:20:55,272 --> 00:20:58,239
<i>♪ I'm gonna do
My one line here ♪

445
00:20:58,736 --> 00:21:01,403
Oh, yeah.

446
00:21:02,319 --> 00:21:06,170
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

446
00:21:07,305 --> 00:21:13,797
Support us and become VIP member 
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org