1 00:00:10,964 --> 00:00:15,002 Hey, man, you got it? 2 00:00:15,037 --> 00:00:17,912 Yeah, I got it. 3 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:25,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 4 00:00:30,012 --> 00:00:32,849 - What you doing? - Hmm? 5 00:00:32,883 --> 00:00:36,288 What the-- What the hell are you doing? 6 00:00:36,322 --> 00:00:39,195 I'm just trying to give you the money-- 7 00:00:39,229 --> 00:00:41,998 Don't whisper. Don't whisper. 8 00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:45,871 Just speak like a normal individual, all right? 9 00:00:45,905 --> 00:00:49,480 Act natural, and just give me the money. 10 00:00:49,514 --> 00:00:51,016 - Okay. - Okay? 11 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,786 Okay. Okay, I will do that. 12 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:58,458 Thank you. 13 00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,327 Hey, man, what's up? What you doing? 14 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,162 What's with the Robin Williams routine, man? 15 00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:04,930 What's going on here? 16 00:01:04,964 --> 00:01:06,431 Why are you playing to the cheap seats? 17 00:01:06,465 --> 00:01:07,799 I'm just trying to act-- I'm just trying to act-- 18 00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:10,135 - I'm trying to act natural. - Well, why you jumping 19 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,938 in between different characters to do so? 20 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,172 I'm not. I'm not doing that. 21 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:14,641 - What am I-- - Trying to act natural. 22 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:15,976 If anything, I'm changing my volume. 23 00:01:16,011 --> 00:01:17,679 You acting like someone who's trying to hide it. 24 00:01:17,713 --> 00:01:18,980 You know who tries to hide it? 25 00:01:19,014 --> 00:01:20,448 - Dudes who's buying drugs... - (shushing) 26 00:01:20,482 --> 00:01:22,116 - Try to hide it, all right? - Okay. 27 00:01:22,151 --> 00:01:23,217 You looking like the most drug-buyingest dude in-- 28 00:01:23,252 --> 00:01:27,354 Okay, please stop saying the word "drugs." 29 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,989 - Damn! - (shushes) 30 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:31,524 Don't shush me. 31 00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:34,028 Now just take out your money. 32 00:01:34,062 --> 00:01:37,331 And fan it. 33 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,433 - Fan it? - Fan it. 34 00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:40,601 You know how to fan money? 35 00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,471 - Just-- somebody might see. - Thank you. 36 00:01:42,505 --> 00:01:44,673 No. Fan it out. 37 00:01:44,707 --> 00:01:46,307 Good. 38 00:01:46,342 --> 00:01:51,078 Now give it to me. Good. 39 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,413 That's all there is to it. 40 00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,815 Here come the drug machine. Boop. 41 00:01:54,850 --> 00:01:57,585 All right, now just high five And say "drugs." 42 00:01:57,619 --> 00:02:01,088 (both) Drugs. 43 00:02:01,123 --> 00:02:03,224 Unreal. Look at these clowns. 44 00:02:03,258 --> 00:02:05,292 - Those two? - Not them. 45 00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:08,027 - Them. - Go, go, go. Drug deal! 46 00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:11,631 (both grunting) (women exclaiming) 47 00:02:11,666 --> 00:02:14,302 You're under arrest! 48 00:02:14,336 --> 00:02:15,770 Hands where I can see 'em, sluts! 49 00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:18,772 (soul music) 50 00:02:18,807 --> 00:02:22,439 ♪ 51 00:02:30,295 --> 00:02:32,028 Subs created by David Coleman 52 00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:35,688 Sync & correction by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 53 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:38,789 (cheers and applause) 54 00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:46,098 Thank you so much for coming out tonight. 55 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:48,099 - I am Keegan Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele. 56 00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:51,736 - And we are Key and Peele. - Thank you. Yeah. 57 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,472 (cheers and applause) 58 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:58,042 Have you ever been in a bathroom of a baseball stadium? 59 00:02:58,077 --> 00:02:59,811 - And there's this dude? - This dude--talking about-- 60 00:02:59,845 --> 00:03:01,346 - We talked about this. - There's this dude. 61 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:03,916 - Right, this guy. - Right, this guy. 62 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,357 All right, fellas, tap it any more than two times 63 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,860 and you're playing with it. (laughs) 64 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,430 Now he's pretending like it's his joke. 65 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:19,499 This joke has been around since 1867. 66 00:03:19,534 --> 00:03:21,301 Right. Can you imagine-- 67 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:22,803 If they did that in cowboy times? 68 00:03:22,837 --> 00:03:24,671 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If a guy did that in-- 69 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,606 That wouldn't fly the same way. 70 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,607 - No, it'd be like-- - It'd be like-- 71 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,044 (both making metal noises) 72 00:03:30,078 --> 00:03:33,079 (laughter) 73 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:41,721 (exaggerated drawl) Well, fellas, 74 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,023 you tap it any more than two times 75 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:48,395 and you are officially playing with yourself. 76 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,671 That's my joke. (imitates gunfire) 77 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,405 (laughter) 78 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,573 The right triangle's longest side 79 00:04:02,608 --> 00:04:04,041 is called the hypotenuse, 80 00:04:04,075 --> 00:04:05,942 and it's this side here. 81 00:04:05,977 --> 00:04:11,246 Hey, I wish I were high on potenuse. 82 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,947 (giggles) 83 00:04:12,981 --> 00:04:14,981 "I wish I was high on potenuse." 84 00:04:15,016 --> 00:04:18,516 (laughter) 85 00:04:26,989 --> 00:04:28,990 Okay, okay, okay. 86 00:04:29,024 --> 00:04:30,791 Oh, Mr. Morrison, it's very funny. 87 00:04:30,826 --> 00:04:33,159 It's very funny, but let's get back to the lesson. 88 00:04:33,193 --> 00:04:36,895 We can see the longest one 89 00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:37,995 where it goes from this point-- 90 00:04:38,030 --> 00:04:39,229 That was my joke. 91 00:04:39,264 --> 00:04:41,364 I know, man. That was hilarious. 92 00:04:41,398 --> 00:04:43,365 ...triangle. I've labeled them here 93 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,633 - "A," "B," and "C." - No, but, I mean, I said that. 94 00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:47,134 I said it. 95 00:04:47,168 --> 00:04:49,335 I said it. I said that. 96 00:04:49,369 --> 00:04:52,871 Please, please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself. 97 00:04:52,905 --> 00:04:55,673 Thank you. 98 00:04:55,707 --> 00:04:59,742 Now the hypotenuse-- (laughter) 99 00:05:04,781 --> 00:05:07,015 Mr. Morrison, You really got me on that one. 100 00:05:07,049 --> 00:05:08,949 Oh, so great. 101 00:05:08,984 --> 00:05:10,684 Oh, oh, Principal Martel, Principal Martel, come here, 102 00:05:10,718 --> 00:05:12,586 Come here, come here. 103 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,220 Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy. 104 00:05:14,254 --> 00:05:17,555 Oh, she was talking about the hypotenuse, 105 00:05:17,590 --> 00:05:21,057 and I said, "I wish I was high on potenuse." 106 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:24,751 (laughter) 107 00:05:24,786 --> 00:05:26,453 I'm sorry. 108 00:05:26,487 --> 00:05:29,655 (laughter continues) He likes it. 109 00:05:29,689 --> 00:05:32,590 Principal Martel's cool. 110 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:35,829 Oh, that's-- That's very funny. 111 00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:38,436 Principal Martel, Principal Martel, I said that. 112 00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:41,272 Mr. Jackson, that is enough. 113 00:05:41,306 --> 00:05:43,340 - But I said it first. - Dude, come on. 114 00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,576 Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, 115 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:46,711 Yes, come in, Come in. 116 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:47,779 - (gasps) - Yeah. 117 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,148 Yes. What's up, peoples? 118 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,249 - Fluffy. - Comedian Gabriel Iglesias 119 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,451 is touring the local schools today 120 00:05:53,485 --> 00:05:54,918 for a charity he's working on. 121 00:05:54,953 --> 00:05:56,453 Tell him what you said. Tell him what you said. 122 00:05:56,487 --> 00:06:00,255 Uh, I wish I was high on potenuse. 123 00:06:00,289 --> 00:06:03,391 (laughter) 124 00:06:03,426 --> 00:06:05,260 Oh, my God. That is clever. 125 00:06:05,294 --> 00:06:06,762 That is clever. Very funny. 126 00:06:06,796 --> 00:06:08,730 - No. No. - Very funny. 127 00:06:08,765 --> 00:06:10,265 Right? Thanks, thanks. 128 00:06:10,299 --> 00:06:12,000 Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, 129 00:06:12,034 --> 00:06:13,401 I'm your biggest fan. 130 00:06:13,435 --> 00:06:14,735 That was my joke. 131 00:06:14,770 --> 00:06:16,303 You know, it's not really cool, buddy, 132 00:06:16,338 --> 00:06:17,972 to take credit for other people's jokes. 133 00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:20,140 Hey, listen, funny stuff. 134 00:06:20,175 --> 00:06:21,742 I'm doing this big tour right now. 135 00:06:21,776 --> 00:06:23,844 You want to see about maybe we could talk about you opening? 136 00:06:23,878 --> 00:06:26,146 I need an opener. 137 00:06:26,181 --> 00:06:27,514 Um, sure. 138 00:06:27,549 --> 00:06:28,882 What do you think? Is that okay? 139 00:06:28,917 --> 00:06:30,417 - Of course. Of course. - Yeah. 140 00:06:30,452 --> 00:06:32,687 (gasps) What? 141 00:06:34,824 --> 00:06:36,424 - Sorry about that. - Talent, man. 142 00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,826 It's nice to meet you. Thanks so much. 143 00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:39,094 That's like a Richard Pryor. Get over here, man. 144 00:06:39,128 --> 00:06:42,030 - Come on. - Richard Pryor. 145 00:06:42,064 --> 00:06:43,364 He deserved it. 146 00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:46,367 All right, so across from the longest side 147 00:06:46,401 --> 00:06:47,902 is a 90-degree angle. 148 00:06:47,936 --> 00:06:52,073 Good thing I've got a 90-degree dangle. 149 00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:55,477 Joel, stop it! You will never be Troy! 150 00:06:55,511 --> 00:06:57,813 Why are you trying to be like Troy? 151 00:06:57,847 --> 00:06:59,280 Dick. 152 00:06:59,315 --> 00:07:01,849 Et tu, nerdy girl? 153 00:07:01,883 --> 00:07:03,917 (snickers) 154 00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:06,920 So the hypotenu-- (laughter) 155 00:07:09,557 --> 00:07:12,459 What the [bleep] is going on? 156 00:07:12,493 --> 00:07:14,661 I'm gonna piss my pants. 157 00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:17,730 I'm gonna piss my pants right here. 158 00:07:17,765 --> 00:07:19,432 Oh, my God! Oh! 159 00:07:22,255 --> 00:07:24,957 You ever go see black theater? Anyone? 160 00:07:24,991 --> 00:07:26,158 Anybody go to the black theater? 161 00:07:26,192 --> 00:07:27,493 Yeah. Black theater's interesting 162 00:07:27,527 --> 00:07:32,031 because there's a very distinct black theater style. 163 00:07:32,065 --> 00:07:33,365 (laughter) 164 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,533 There's a lot of neck acting. 165 00:07:34,568 --> 00:07:37,203 A lot of neck acting. 166 00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:38,672 You should be a little overwrought 167 00:07:38,706 --> 00:07:40,340 Whenever ta-- even when you're happy, you know. 168 00:07:40,374 --> 00:07:43,877 Our family will never, ever... 169 00:07:43,911 --> 00:07:45,712 (laughter) 170 00:07:45,746 --> 00:07:47,948 - ever fall apart. - Mm. 171 00:07:47,982 --> 00:07:50,017 Seems like something one should be happy about. 172 00:07:50,051 --> 00:07:54,221 I woke up today, and I ate some cereal. 173 00:07:54,255 --> 00:07:56,089 (laughter) 174 00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:07,467 - Intermission! - (hums) 175 00:08:07,502 --> 00:08:11,739 (both) Oh, Othello is my shite! 176 00:08:11,773 --> 00:08:14,876 - [bleep]-eth, yeah. - Othello, mother[bleep]! 177 00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:18,179 (both imitating swordplay sounds) 178 00:08:18,213 --> 00:08:20,748 [bleep], you dead, white person. 179 00:08:20,783 --> 00:08:23,051 (laughter) Oh, this play doth seem dope 180 00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:25,153 - to me, Martinsia. - Verily, Lashawnia. 181 00:08:25,187 --> 00:08:26,854 Verily. Yo, and 'tis about time 182 00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:29,857 Shakespeare doth scriven the play that places a brother 183 00:08:29,891 --> 00:08:31,892 - amongst the firmaments. - That's my shite! 184 00:08:31,927 --> 00:08:33,761 Oh, who's your favorite character? 185 00:08:33,795 --> 00:08:35,062 - Mine's Othello. - Oh, 'tis mine as well. 186 00:08:35,096 --> 00:08:37,231 - 'tis mine as well. - Because they got Othello 187 00:08:37,265 --> 00:08:40,267 as a general. I'm saying, helleth, yes. 188 00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,869 And Othello did the beast with two backs 189 00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:43,604 with that comely white maiden, 190 00:08:43,638 --> 00:08:46,040 and didst not anyone speaketh against him. 191 00:08:46,074 --> 00:08:47,841 - Mm. - He straight pimpin'. 192 00:08:47,876 --> 00:08:51,444 Methinks things are looking up for people of the darker hue. 193 00:08:51,478 --> 00:08:53,146 - Damn straight. - Hoo. 194 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:55,881 (Both) ♪ Hey, nonny, nonny, talking hey, nonny, nonny ♪ 195 00:08:55,916 --> 00:08:58,551 - Come on. - Oh, hey, Martinsia. 196 00:08:58,585 --> 00:09:00,052 - Mm. - Wouldst that I could borrow 197 00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:01,954 a couple of ducats to purchaseth a capon 198 00:09:01,989 --> 00:09:03,223 from yonder concession? 199 00:09:03,257 --> 00:09:05,192 Pssh, Moor, please. 200 00:09:05,226 --> 00:09:06,960 You know I got a concealed cornish game hen 201 00:09:06,994 --> 00:09:09,095 - up in my doublet. - Ooh, alloweth me to partaketh 202 00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:10,764 - up in this bitch. - Okay, okay. 203 00:09:10,798 --> 00:09:13,133 Get in there. (bell dings) 204 00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,135 The second act is about to begin. 205 00:09:15,169 --> 00:09:17,570 Come on, y'all. Y'all heard the ursher. 206 00:09:17,605 --> 00:09:19,872 If I know Shakespeare, Othello's about to kill 207 00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:22,308 everybody up in this bitch. (laughs) 208 00:09:28,149 --> 00:09:32,219 No, no, no, Mm-mm, I hateth this play. 209 00:09:32,253 --> 00:09:34,121 How they gonna kill Othello? 210 00:09:34,155 --> 00:09:36,423 Man, that trifling ass Iago, I knew he was up to something. 211 00:09:36,457 --> 00:09:37,758 They should have killed him in the first act. 212 00:09:37,792 --> 00:09:39,726 How they gonna kill Othello? 213 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,961 How Othello gonna do himself in with a dagger, 214 00:09:41,996 --> 00:09:43,963 - how doth that happen? - Let me tell you something, 215 00:09:43,998 --> 00:09:46,165 if a brother kill himself every time he broke up 216 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,568 with a white bitch, this world would be bereft of brothers. 217 00:09:48,602 --> 00:09:49,935 You'd be talking to a skull right now. 218 00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:52,438 - Okay? - Where's Shakespeares at? 219 00:09:52,473 --> 00:09:54,240 - Shakespeares. - Oh, he's right there. 220 00:09:54,275 --> 00:09:56,209 (both) Prithee. Prithee. 221 00:09:56,243 --> 00:09:57,277 Make way. Prithee. Make way. 222 00:09:57,311 --> 00:09:59,612 Be gone, Sire. 223 00:09:59,646 --> 00:10:01,981 - You killed Othello! - A black man got it going on, 224 00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:03,349 and you shuffle off his mortal coil? 225 00:10:03,384 --> 00:10:05,452 I say unto thee that's a tragedy. 226 00:10:05,486 --> 00:10:06,887 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, 'tis that not 227 00:10:06,921 --> 00:10:08,788 the troubadour Kanye of the West? 228 00:10:08,823 --> 00:10:11,391 What? Where's-- Wait. 229 00:10:11,426 --> 00:10:12,759 Truth be told, my lords, 230 00:10:12,794 --> 00:10:15,428 'tis not I who penned this dreadful play. 231 00:10:15,463 --> 00:10:18,097 - 'twas Christopher Marlowe. - (both) Nay, nay, nay. 232 00:10:18,132 --> 00:10:20,666 - Yes, it was. - Thou already tried to use 233 00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:22,369 that line of argument when the Jews wanted 234 00:10:22,403 --> 00:10:24,004 to kick your ass after The Merchant of Venice. 235 00:10:24,038 --> 00:10:25,538 We doth not purchase it, Slick Willy. 236 00:10:25,573 --> 00:10:27,173 We doth not purchase it. 237 00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:29,209 Be calm, my good lords. 238 00:10:29,243 --> 00:10:31,678 'twill not be long before another black hero 239 00:10:31,712 --> 00:10:34,380 graceth the stage, and now if you'll let me take my leave. 240 00:10:34,415 --> 00:10:36,549 Not so fast. 241 00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:41,821 You going to write that hero now. 242 00:10:41,855 --> 00:10:47,360 Verily that, mother[bleep]. 243 00:10:50,064 --> 00:10:55,303 (both exclaiming and imitating funk music) 244 00:10:55,337 --> 00:10:57,805 That John Shafte is one bad mother-- 245 00:10:57,839 --> 00:10:58,873 Shut that mouth. 246 00:10:58,907 --> 00:11:00,407 - I just speaketh about Shafte. - Mm. 247 00:11:04,079 --> 00:11:06,880 Yo, Levi, man. 248 00:11:06,915 --> 00:11:09,249 Just won $10 on this scratch-off, homie. 249 00:11:09,283 --> 00:11:14,187 Pssh, man, quit pulling my dick. 250 00:11:14,222 --> 00:11:17,357 - What? - Come up in here lying to me. 251 00:11:17,391 --> 00:11:19,759 I ain't buying it. You pulling my dick. 252 00:11:19,794 --> 00:11:22,228 First of all, I ain't lying to you, 253 00:11:22,263 --> 00:11:25,198 And, second of all, that's not the phrase. 254 00:11:25,232 --> 00:11:27,600 Come up in here, piss on my dick, tell me it's raining. 255 00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:31,003 Piss on my leg, and tell me it's raining. 256 00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:33,339 Oh, I see, now you gonna piss and pull on my dick? 257 00:11:33,374 --> 00:11:35,107 Come on. 258 00:11:35,142 --> 00:11:37,776 Do you understand that you got all your [bleep] wrong? 259 00:11:37,811 --> 00:11:40,512 No, actually, you got it wrong. 260 00:11:40,547 --> 00:11:42,615 Yeah. 261 00:11:42,649 --> 00:11:44,550 - I-- - Yeah, see? 262 00:11:44,584 --> 00:11:48,954 You ain't even got a dick to stand on. 263 00:11:50,189 --> 00:11:52,925 Okay. Okay, let me ask you a question. 264 00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:55,695 What do you call those little plastic building blocks? 265 00:11:55,729 --> 00:12:00,300 What you mean, Dickos? 266 00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:02,268 Name a famous comic strip detective. 267 00:12:02,303 --> 00:12:06,238 Leg Tracy. What's with the questions, man? 268 00:12:06,273 --> 00:12:09,409 Do you know the name of a giant cartoon rooster? 269 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:12,311 Foghorn Dickhorn. 270 00:12:12,345 --> 00:12:13,579 Okay, you done. You done. 271 00:12:13,613 --> 00:12:16,448 Give me that. 272 00:12:16,482 --> 00:12:18,784 All right. Yo, you just gotta-- 273 00:12:18,818 --> 00:12:19,951 You gotta leave now, huh? 274 00:12:19,986 --> 00:12:22,087 Just 'cause I got a dick up on you? 275 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:31,196 I'm a-leg-ted to marijuana. 276 00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,168 You guys know this rule in football, 277 00:12:37,202 --> 00:12:38,503 excessive celebration, right? 278 00:12:38,537 --> 00:12:41,106 That a player can get a penalty flag 279 00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:43,843 for celebrating excessively in the end zone. 280 00:12:43,877 --> 00:12:45,211 What I don't understand is, 281 00:12:45,245 --> 00:12:46,979 they're so disciplined to learn the skill 282 00:12:47,013 --> 00:12:48,981 of playing football, you'd think they'd have 283 00:12:49,015 --> 00:12:51,283 enough discipline to get in the end zone and just be like... 284 00:12:51,318 --> 00:12:52,985 (straining) 285 00:12:53,019 --> 00:12:54,854 (laughter) 286 00:12:54,888 --> 00:12:58,624 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 287 00:12:58,658 --> 00:13:01,193 If anything, doing the Funky Chicken 288 00:13:01,228 --> 00:13:04,664 after you get a touchdown exemplifies the fact 289 00:13:04,698 --> 00:13:07,199 that you didn't expect you were going to get a touchdown. 290 00:13:07,233 --> 00:13:10,302 It would be so much cooler if you just ran-- 291 00:13:10,336 --> 00:13:12,003 You should just score a touchdown, be like, 292 00:13:12,038 --> 00:13:13,972 "Boop, this is what I do every day, 293 00:13:14,007 --> 00:13:16,509 "[bleep] it." 294 00:13:16,544 --> 00:13:21,013 (applause) 295 00:13:21,048 --> 00:13:23,081 And we're coming to the end of the first quarter 296 00:13:23,116 --> 00:13:25,083 with the Rhinos in the red zone for the first time. 297 00:13:25,117 --> 00:13:27,184 Gotta say, Bill, I like watching these Rhinos. 298 00:13:27,218 --> 00:13:30,153 Ransom takes the snap, drops back with good protection, 299 00:13:30,187 --> 00:13:32,722 and that's a completed pass to a very wide-open 300 00:13:32,757 --> 00:13:35,392 Hingle McCringleberry, the rookie out of Penn State. 301 00:13:35,426 --> 00:13:38,028 Nice grab by McCringleberry. You think he's happy? 302 00:13:38,062 --> 00:13:39,429 Oh, boy, he is loving it down there. 303 00:13:39,463 --> 00:13:43,233 Oh, we got something of a shooting gallery going on. 304 00:13:43,268 --> 00:13:45,770 Yeah, look at that. Boy, that is something, and-- 305 00:13:45,804 --> 00:13:47,738 Oh, wait, we've got a flag there. 306 00:13:47,773 --> 00:13:49,674 Is that for excessive celebration? 307 00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:51,075 Oh, see, I'm not sure about that call. 308 00:13:51,109 --> 00:13:53,044 I don't know, Bill. That was three pumps, 309 00:13:53,078 --> 00:13:55,047 and the rulebook says you cannot have more than two. 310 00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:56,215 Oh, my gosh, but look at the kid. 311 00:13:56,249 --> 00:13:57,582 He's pleading his case with the ref. 312 00:13:57,617 --> 00:13:58,950 Pleading his case. 313 00:13:58,985 --> 00:14:00,051 Yeah, clearly three pumps. 314 00:14:00,086 --> 00:14:01,386 Coach Hohnson definitely not happy 315 00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:02,521 - about this call. - Two pumps! 316 00:14:02,555 --> 00:14:04,489 Five minutes into the fourth quarter, 317 00:14:04,524 --> 00:14:07,092 Third and ten, the Rhinos again threatening to score. 318 00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:08,494 Can the Cougars hold them? 319 00:14:08,528 --> 00:14:10,229 Big play coming here, Bill. 320 00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:12,132 Ransom takes the snap, drops back, 321 00:14:12,166 --> 00:14:14,234 He floats one into the end zone, 322 00:14:14,269 --> 00:14:16,203 and McCringleberry pulls it down. 323 00:14:16,238 --> 00:14:17,605 - He's got it. - Oh, my gosh. 324 00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,974 For his second touchdown of the day for this rookie, 325 00:14:20,008 --> 00:14:21,809 he has gotta be feeling great about himself. 326 00:14:21,844 --> 00:14:24,112 Nicely done. I'll tell you, man, he's-- 327 00:14:24,146 --> 00:14:26,214 Oh, oh, see, now there's two pumps. 328 00:14:26,248 --> 00:14:27,815 Yeah, he's really testing the boundaries, 329 00:14:27,849 --> 00:14:30,584 and he's clearly gotten the ref's attention here. 330 00:14:30,618 --> 00:14:32,619 A third pump will draw a flag no matter what. 331 00:14:32,653 --> 00:14:34,654 - (blows whistle) - See-- oh, he just did it again. 332 00:14:34,688 --> 00:14:36,489 Now what is that, the second time? 333 00:14:36,523 --> 00:14:37,724 Now you have to flag him on this. 334 00:14:37,758 --> 00:14:39,292 Yeah, he had to. You know, Bill, 335 00:14:39,326 --> 00:14:40,793 It's just frustrating seeing young players 336 00:14:40,827 --> 00:14:42,295 without the ability to restrain themselves. 337 00:14:42,329 --> 00:14:43,930 No, it really is. It's hard. 338 00:14:43,965 --> 00:14:45,832 I mean, the ref's gonna get you every time. 339 00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:47,067 Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. 340 00:14:47,101 --> 00:14:49,136 See, now the ref agrees that's three pumps 341 00:14:49,170 --> 00:14:51,005 Right there. 342 00:14:51,039 --> 00:14:53,607 And the quarterback Ransom under center. 343 00:14:53,641 --> 00:14:55,508 Last five minutes of the game. 344 00:14:55,543 --> 00:14:57,244 The Rhinos are marching here again. 345 00:14:57,278 --> 00:14:59,045 Hard to stop this team from scoring, Bill. 346 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,047 They have so many weapons. 347 00:15:01,081 --> 00:15:02,348 Ransom takes the snap. 348 00:15:02,383 --> 00:15:05,585 And it's a shovel pass to McCringleberry, who-- 349 00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:07,254 He's at the 10. He's at the 5. 350 00:15:07,288 --> 00:15:09,623 - And touchdown, Rhinos. - Oh, my. 351 00:15:09,657 --> 00:15:12,259 Great block by Hardunkichud, and that's gonna be 352 00:15:12,293 --> 00:15:14,595 tough for the Cougars to come back from. 353 00:15:14,629 --> 00:15:16,997 Boy, what a career day from Hingle McCringleberry, 354 00:15:17,032 --> 00:15:18,332 The rookie out of Penn State. 355 00:15:18,366 --> 00:15:20,701 Oh, he was just amazingly fired up here today, Jim. 356 00:15:20,735 --> 00:15:22,302 You gotta love the way this guy plays, 357 00:15:22,336 --> 00:15:23,970 - and he-- - (both) Ohh. 358 00:15:24,004 --> 00:15:26,438 - See, now there's one pump. - Uh-oh. 359 00:15:26,473 --> 00:15:28,173 I cannot believe this kid. 360 00:15:28,208 --> 00:15:30,676 You got to put your team first in situations like this, 361 00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:32,511 And McCringleberry's just not doing that. 362 00:15:32,545 --> 00:15:34,112 Now there's two. Jeff, now if he pumps 363 00:15:34,147 --> 00:15:36,681 a third time, he will draw his third penalty 364 00:15:36,716 --> 00:15:39,183 for today. 365 00:15:39,218 --> 00:15:42,687 Everybody here waiting with bated breath. 366 00:15:42,721 --> 00:15:43,888 - He did it. - Oh, did he? 367 00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:45,289 - Yes, he did it. - Oh. That's just-- 368 00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:47,158 - Couldn't help himself. - That's just amazing. 369 00:15:47,192 --> 00:15:49,193 I mean, come on, in professional football-- 370 00:15:49,228 --> 00:15:50,695 - it's a shame. - That's what it is. 371 00:15:50,729 --> 00:15:51,996 - Yes, yes, it is. - You can argue all you want, 372 00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:53,464 but the flag, well, it's been thrown. 373 00:15:53,498 --> 00:15:54,832 That's right. If it's three pumps, 374 00:15:54,867 --> 00:15:56,367 The ref's not gonna take it away now. 375 00:15:56,401 --> 00:15:58,335 No, he's not. Duration and intensity 376 00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:00,004 - doesn't make any difference. - Well, Jeff, let's have a look 377 00:16:00,038 --> 00:16:02,172 at the replay here to see if indeed he did do 378 00:16:02,207 --> 00:16:04,508 - the three pumps. - All right. No question. 379 00:16:04,543 --> 00:16:06,744 - There is the first one, right? - Yeah. Agreed. 380 00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:08,980 And then coming up 381 00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:10,248 - is the second one. - Okay. 382 00:16:10,282 --> 00:16:11,416 Yes, very clear. 383 00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:12,950 - It's the third-- - We'll see it. 384 00:16:12,985 --> 00:16:14,051 - It's coming up right here. - I'm just not sure. 385 00:16:14,085 --> 00:16:15,185 Oh, yeah, you're right. 386 00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:17,354 There's absolutely three pumps there. 387 00:16:17,388 --> 00:16:19,289 - Oh. - Uh, apologies to all 388 00:16:19,323 --> 00:16:20,557 those watching with young children. 389 00:16:20,591 --> 00:16:21,591 Clearly unintentional. 390 00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:28,119 Our writing assistant James, he's a white guy, 391 00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,488 And, you know, he basically-- his job is to kind 392 00:16:31,522 --> 00:16:33,256 of read back stuff that we write, 393 00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:35,692 and so sometimes we'll just mess with him 394 00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:38,862 by just, like, putting the N-word in a sketch, 395 00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,364 like, 50 times. 396 00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:41,699 He does everything in his power 397 00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:43,234 to be politically correct. 398 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:44,268 James, read that back to me, read that back to me. 399 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,903 He's like, "All right, well..." 400 00:16:45,937 --> 00:16:47,905 I gotta hear that back. Quick, quick, fast, fast, fast. 401 00:16:47,939 --> 00:16:49,907 Read it fast, Read it fast. 402 00:16:49,941 --> 00:16:51,475 - Uh... - Rapid-fire, rapid-fire. 403 00:16:51,509 --> 00:16:52,676 I'm gonna read it with you. I'm gonna read it with you. 404 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:53,710 What's up, my unh? 405 00:16:53,745 --> 00:16:56,179 Ain't nothing wrong, man. 406 00:16:56,214 --> 00:16:57,714 I'm just hanging, my [bleep]. What's going on? 407 00:16:57,748 --> 00:17:00,926 Just unh, please. 408 00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:03,653 Don't go next door. 409 00:17:03,687 --> 00:17:05,021 There's some crazy [bleep] over there. 410 00:17:05,055 --> 00:17:08,224 Uh, you got that right, unh. 411 00:17:11,722 --> 00:17:15,091 Marjorie, I'd love a cupcake. 412 00:17:15,125 --> 00:17:16,760 Thank you so much for coming today. 413 00:17:16,794 --> 00:17:19,629 As you know, every year the vice president hosts 414 00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:22,265 The annual company luncheon, so I brought you here 415 00:17:22,299 --> 00:17:24,701 to make sure that none of my material could be 416 00:17:24,735 --> 00:17:26,069 in any way misconstrued 417 00:17:26,103 --> 00:17:29,072 as sexist or racist or homophobic. 418 00:17:29,106 --> 00:17:32,108 So, if you hear anything that could be in any way offensive 419 00:17:32,142 --> 00:17:34,610 to anyone, just raise your hand, and-- 420 00:17:34,645 --> 00:17:36,379 Oh, I haven't really started yet. 421 00:17:36,414 --> 00:17:38,482 Did you find something offensive? 422 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,283 The fact that you think I need a man's permission 423 00:17:40,318 --> 00:17:42,485 to raise my hand is insane. 424 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,255 I can raise my hand whenever I want to raise my hand 425 00:17:45,289 --> 00:17:46,956 because I'm a free woman. 426 00:17:46,990 --> 00:17:48,624 So I should just raise my hand 427 00:17:48,659 --> 00:17:51,994 like this, like a big, old black power fist, yeah, huh, boss man? 428 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,262 Is that what you want from me? 429 00:17:53,297 --> 00:17:54,430 Is this what you wanted? 430 00:17:54,465 --> 00:17:56,299 A floppy gay hand 431 00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:57,967 just floating around in the air. 432 00:17:58,001 --> 00:17:59,835 Well, here you go. here's my floppy gay hand 433 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:02,438 at the end of my limp, gay wrist. 434 00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,640 - Happy? - No. 435 00:18:03,674 --> 00:18:05,141 Jesus, no. 436 00:18:05,175 --> 00:18:06,576 Wow, what? 437 00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:08,745 Why not "Mary, no," Or "Rachel, no," 438 00:18:08,779 --> 00:18:10,313 Or "Bathsheba, no"? 439 00:18:10,347 --> 00:18:12,782 Why does it have to be Jesus, a man? 440 00:18:12,816 --> 00:18:14,918 And are we talking about the Jesus that accepts everyone 441 00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:18,021 or the Jesus who doesn't believe people should be able to love 442 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,022 who they love? 443 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,257 Oh, maybe I should just break out in some gospel songs, 444 00:18:22,292 --> 00:18:24,660 screaming and hollering and hooting, 445 00:18:24,694 --> 00:18:26,762 "Oh, Lordy, Lordy." 446 00:18:26,796 --> 00:18:28,397 No, this isn't the speech yet. 447 00:18:28,432 --> 00:18:29,765 Can I just do the speech? 448 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,034 Oh, you want this bitch to shut up? 449 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,669 - Is that it? - What's the matter? 450 00:18:33,703 --> 00:18:35,604 The black guy's making way too much noise 451 00:18:35,638 --> 00:18:37,205 in your movie theater, Massa? 452 00:18:37,239 --> 00:18:40,174 Forgive me for lisping And lilting through your speech. 453 00:18:40,209 --> 00:18:42,677 - No, I just meant-- - (all) Whoa! 454 00:18:42,711 --> 00:18:45,647 What's with the hands, man? I ain't gonna shoot ya. 455 00:18:45,681 --> 00:18:47,215 What, are you gonna grab my breasts now? 456 00:18:47,249 --> 00:18:49,984 Protect yourself from the gay invasion. 457 00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:53,655 - Guys. - Ho, "Guys," should I leave? 458 00:18:53,689 --> 00:18:55,123 Sorry, men and women. 459 00:18:55,158 --> 00:18:56,959 Let's exclude everybody who identifies themself 460 00:18:56,993 --> 00:18:58,627 as something else because they're not people! 461 00:18:58,661 --> 00:18:59,728 I meant people. 462 00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:01,797 Whose people? My people? 463 00:19:01,831 --> 00:19:03,566 Do I speak for my people? 464 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,035 - All right. - More like "All white." 465 00:19:06,069 --> 00:19:07,636 More like "No rights." 466 00:19:07,670 --> 00:19:11,072 More like "Women are second-class citizens, right?" 467 00:19:11,107 --> 00:19:14,810 Okay, stop, men, women, people of all ethnicities, 468 00:19:14,844 --> 00:19:17,980 genders, sexual orientation, religion, 469 00:19:18,014 --> 00:19:22,085 can I please just get to my speech? 470 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,420 Fine. 471 00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:26,323 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 472 00:19:26,517 --> 00:19:29,252 Okay, here goes. 473 00:19:29,286 --> 00:19:33,389 A Chinaman, a Pollock, and an Arab walk into a bar-- 474 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:34,390 I love Arab jokes. 475 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,191 Ching-chong, bring it on. 476 00:19:36,226 --> 00:19:38,560 You had me at "Pollock." 477 00:19:39,774 --> 00:19:41,774 (Hail to the Chief playing) 478 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,134 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 479 00:19:45,168 --> 00:19:48,572 Every day our citizens improve the lives of those around them. 480 00:19:48,606 --> 00:19:51,041 Today we honor Troy Morrison. 481 00:19:51,075 --> 00:19:53,309 Now Troy was in geometry class 482 00:19:53,344 --> 00:19:56,379 when his teacher mentioned the hypotenuse of a triangle. 483 00:19:56,414 --> 00:19:59,382 Troy said, "I wish I was high on potenuse." 484 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,784 That really cracked me up, 485 00:20:00,818 --> 00:20:03,353 and it cracked up the rest of America too, 486 00:20:03,387 --> 00:20:06,022 so today I'm pleased to present Troy 487 00:20:06,057 --> 00:20:08,825 with the Congressional Comedy Medal of Honor. 488 00:20:08,860 --> 00:20:11,962 Troy, on behalf of the entire country, 489 00:20:11,996 --> 00:20:14,198 I just want to thank you 490 00:20:14,232 --> 00:20:17,768 for your fantastic, off-the-cuff line. 491 00:20:17,802 --> 00:20:19,703 you are a true comedy hero. 492 00:20:19,738 --> 00:20:22,005 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 493 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,442 And also, Mr. President, I have something for you. 494 00:20:24,476 --> 00:20:29,013 What's that? Oh! He got me one. 495 00:20:29,047 --> 00:20:31,148 Yes. These are sold out. 496 00:20:31,183 --> 00:20:33,184 I haven't been able to get my hands on one of these. 497 00:20:33,218 --> 00:20:35,553 Thanks, Troy. Oh, my God. 498 00:20:35,587 --> 00:20:37,154 "High on pot-enuse." 499 00:20:37,189 --> 00:20:38,556 (cheers and applause) 500 00:20:38,590 --> 00:20:40,057 We killed that last one. 501 00:20:40,091 --> 00:20:42,059 Talkin' about ah, ah, ah! 502 00:20:42,093 --> 00:20:43,293 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Come on, come on. 503 00:20:43,328 --> 00:20:44,999 That's excessive. That's excessive. 504 00:20:45,171 --> 00:20:47,171 - Good night, everybody. - Good night. 505 00:20:47,671 --> 00:20:49,671 (cheers and applause) 506 00:20:50,171 --> 00:20:54,111 Sync & correction by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 507 00:20:56,099 --> 00:20:58,400 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 508 00:20:58,568 --> 00:21:00,332 Oh, yeah. 508 00:21:01,305 --> 00:21:07,266 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org