1
00:00:01,381 --> 00:00:02,682
Hoo!
Great hike today, buddy.

2
00:00:02,717 --> 00:00:04,586
I was coming up
that last hill,

3
00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:06,891
And I turned around and
you were nowhere to be found.

4
00:00:06,925 --> 00:00:08,197
Mm-hmm.

5
00:00:08,231 --> 00:00:09,368
Thought I was gonna have to
go back and get you.

6
00:00:09,402 --> 00:00:12,405
Uh, at least we made it.

7
00:00:14,508 --> 00:00:18,678
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you,
I talk in my sleep.

8
00:00:18,712 --> 00:00:20,849
- Oh.
- Yeah, quite a bit, actually,

9
00:00:20,883 --> 00:00:24,421
So if it bothers you,
just wake me up.

10
00:00:24,456 --> 00:00:26,657
- Okay, buddy.
- Cool.

11
00:00:26,691 --> 00:00:29,693
- Good night.
- Good night.

12
00:00:33,869 --> 00:00:37,139
Dick head.

13
00:00:37,174 --> 00:00:41,011
You stupid dick head.

14
00:00:41,045 --> 00:00:44,415
(imitating Key) "Hey, Jordan,
oh, let's go camping, come on.

15
00:00:44,449 --> 00:00:46,550
"Oh, Jordan, keep hiking.
We're almost there.

16
00:00:46,584 --> 00:00:48,752
"Oh, buddy."
(chuckles)

17
00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:50,554
So much [bleep] energy.

18
00:00:50,588 --> 00:00:53,691
Just shove that clif bar
up your ass,

19
00:00:53,726 --> 00:00:56,731
You bald [bleep]sucker.

20
00:00:58,736 --> 00:01:02,507
(whispering)
Jordan, Jordan.

21
00:01:02,541 --> 00:01:08,815
[bleep] you,
Keegan... hyphen... Michael... Key.

22
00:01:08,849 --> 00:01:10,483
Jordan, wake up,

23
00:01:10,517 --> 00:01:12,987
- you're talking in your sleep.
- Not asleep yet.

24
00:01:13,021 --> 00:01:15,990
(soul music)

25
00:01:16,024 --> 00:01:19,452
♪

26
00:01:26,125 --> 00:01:29,000
Subs created by David Coleman
www.addic7ed.com

27
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:32,691
Sync & correction by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

28
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,278
(cheers and applause)

29
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,946
- Oh!
- Whoa.

30
00:01:41,486 --> 00:01:43,687
- (low chatter) Muay thai.
- Muay thai, muay thai.

31
00:01:43,722 --> 00:01:46,090
(cheers and applause)

32
00:01:46,124 --> 00:01:47,825
- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.

33
00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:50,863
You guys are awesome!

34
00:01:50,897 --> 00:01:53,265
Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.

35
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,067
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

36
00:01:55,102 --> 00:01:58,004
Yeah, so...
(cheers and applause)

37
00:01:58,038 --> 00:01:59,572
Thank you.

38
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:02,342
Uh, ladies, are you--
how you doing tonight?

39
00:02:02,376 --> 00:02:04,511
(cheers and applause)

40
00:02:04,546 --> 00:02:06,914
You're good.
They're good.

41
00:02:06,948 --> 00:02:08,416
Every lady
I've ever dated

42
00:02:08,450 --> 00:02:11,118
somehow gets the impression
I can fight.

43
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:13,453
Oh, that's-- that's bad news
right off the bat.

44
00:02:13,487 --> 00:02:15,721
- That's bad news.
- 'cause he cannot, yes.

45
00:02:15,756 --> 00:02:17,222
- I can--well--
- Nor can I.

46
00:02:17,257 --> 00:02:19,591
If I guy says
something disrespectful

47
00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:21,258
to a lady that I'm with,

48
00:02:21,293 --> 00:02:22,793
I'll just pretend
like I didn't--

49
00:02:22,827 --> 00:02:25,661
- I-I went blind.
- Somehow you didn't hear it?

50
00:02:25,696 --> 00:02:27,162
- Oh, man.
- Did you hear that?

51
00:02:27,197 --> 00:02:28,196
- I didn't--sss--
- Did you hear what he just

52
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,665
- said to me right here?
- I just had

53
00:02:29,699 --> 00:02:32,867
temporary blind- and deafness.
I don't know what's--

54
00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,201
- He was standing right here.
- He said that?

55
00:02:34,236 --> 00:02:35,536
He was standing right here,
calling me a--

56
00:02:35,570 --> 00:02:38,271
Where he at, where he at?
He left?

57
00:02:38,306 --> 00:02:40,173
- See. aw, man.
- No, he right here.

58
00:02:40,207 --> 00:02:41,373
- He right here.
- No, I don't know

59
00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:42,541
where you pointing.
I don't know what--

60
00:02:42,575 --> 00:02:45,277
No, he's right--
he's right here.

61
00:02:45,311 --> 00:02:46,678
He's listening to you talk
right now.

62
00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:48,112
- Step to me!
- No, no.

63
00:02:48,147 --> 00:02:49,947
- Show yourself!
- This way. He's--

64
00:02:49,982 --> 00:02:51,983
- It ain't happening.
- He's right here.

65
00:02:52,017 --> 00:02:53,985
He is right--
He is right--

66
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:55,654
- Baby, baby, baby.
- Oh, well--

67
00:02:55,688 --> 00:02:58,056
(crowd screams)
(both laughing)

68
00:03:00,425 --> 00:03:02,091
- (sighs)
- (clears throat)

69
00:03:02,126 --> 00:03:05,294
- Can you totally chill out?
- No, I'm so annoyed right now.

70
00:03:05,328 --> 00:03:07,162
Can you, like, not talk to me
for, like, a second?

71
00:03:07,197 --> 00:03:09,231
Like, that'd be great.
That'd be fine.

72
00:03:09,265 --> 00:03:10,699
That'd be fine by me.

73
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:12,868
What?
Oh, my God, are you serious?

74
00:03:12,903 --> 00:03:15,037
This is bull[bleep].
What could possibly

75
00:03:15,072 --> 00:03:17,273
be the problem with letting
two more people in?

76
00:03:17,307 --> 00:03:19,143
Check your girl, bro.

77
00:03:19,177 --> 00:03:20,978
- I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, what did you say?

78
00:03:21,012 --> 00:03:23,414
"Check your girl"? Uh-uhh,
It doesn't work like that.

79
00:03:23,448 --> 00:03:25,449
No one checks me
because I'm not luggage.

80
00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:30,122
Okay? So you can go
[bleep] yoursee-elf.

81
00:03:30,156 --> 00:03:32,024
Meegan, seriously,

82
00:03:32,058 --> 00:03:34,259
Two more people are gonna
come out in a couple of seconds,

83
00:03:34,294 --> 00:03:35,560
and then we can go in.

84
00:03:35,595 --> 00:03:37,062
No!
Let me ask you a question.

85
00:03:37,097 --> 00:03:38,664
What was it like
being in <i>The Green Mile</i>?

86
00:03:38,698 --> 00:03:40,699
He wasn't in <i>The Green Mile</i>!

87
00:03:40,734 --> 00:03:42,134
He clearly wasn't
in that movie.

88
00:03:42,169 --> 00:03:44,004
What does Tom Hanks's penis
feel like?

89
00:03:44,038 --> 00:03:46,106
- Meegan!
- Moreover, how does it feel

90
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:48,408
when swarms of bees
are coming out of your face?

91
00:03:48,443 --> 00:03:50,310
Seriously, I'm sorry.
It's, like, her favorite movie.

92
00:03:50,344 --> 00:03:51,544
Don't apologize for me!

93
00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:52,946
Yeah, this is nice,
this is nice.

94
00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:55,181
You look like Common meets
The Incredible Hulk.

95
00:03:55,216 --> 00:03:56,416
- Meegan--
- When you brought

96
00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:58,219
the frankincense to Baby Jesus,
Did they, like...

97
00:03:58,253 --> 00:04:00,154
- Oh.
- make you stand

98
00:04:00,188 --> 00:04:01,655
outside the barn
because you were too big,

99
00:04:01,690 --> 00:04:04,358
or did they invite you in
with all the other animals?

100
00:04:04,393 --> 00:04:05,726
Don't flare your nostrils
at me,

101
00:04:05,761 --> 00:04:07,494
- okay?
- He's--

102
00:04:07,529 --> 00:04:09,029
Do you have any idea
how impolite that is?

103
00:04:09,064 --> 00:04:13,501
He hasn't moved his nostrils
once since we got here.

104
00:04:13,536 --> 00:04:15,837
- I saw them move!
- They did not move, Meegan.

105
00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:16,905
They flared!

106
00:04:16,939 --> 00:04:18,640
Meegan, they [bleep]
did not move!

107
00:04:18,674 --> 00:04:22,710
Your nostrils flared more than
a survivor from a boat accident.

108
00:04:22,745 --> 00:04:23,979
What?

109
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:24,980
He's not even looking me
in the eyes.

110
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,381
Okay, you know what?

111
00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:28,850
If you're just going to continue
to be a little prick,

112
00:04:28,885 --> 00:04:30,952
you're gonna get your ass
kicked.

113
00:04:30,987 --> 00:04:33,555
Don't touch him, Mee--
Meegan.

114
00:04:33,589 --> 00:04:35,957
(scoffs)
Crazy bitch.

115
00:04:35,992 --> 00:04:37,893
(gasps)

116
00:04:37,927 --> 00:04:40,061
(squeaks)

117
00:04:40,096 --> 00:04:42,130
(sighs)

118
00:04:45,768 --> 00:04:47,502
Oh!

119
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:50,005
I totally love my nails
right now.

120
00:04:51,641 --> 00:04:53,742
I'm so over everything
right now,

121
00:04:53,776 --> 00:04:56,477
over the floor,
I'm over the sky, I'm over you,

122
00:04:56,511 --> 00:04:57,911
over that pussy back there.

123
00:04:57,946 --> 00:04:59,613
You're a pussy!

124
00:04:59,648 --> 00:05:01,415
- Meegan, seriously.
- Whatever.

125
00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:03,050
(makes kissing sounds)

126
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:04,519
Nice legs, little lady.
(laughter)

127
00:05:04,553 --> 00:05:07,622
Um, excuse me?

128
00:05:07,656 --> 00:05:09,390
Oh, God!

129
00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:10,992
Hey, what did you say?

130
00:05:11,026 --> 00:05:14,095
What the [bleep]
did you just say?

131
00:05:14,129 --> 00:05:18,265
You guys come back here with
your little itty-bitty dicks.

132
00:05:20,902 --> 00:05:22,536
You best control your lady.

133
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:24,171
- Yup.
- (gasps) Excuse--

134
00:05:24,205 --> 00:05:27,608
"Control your lady"?
No, he doesn't control me,

135
00:05:27,642 --> 00:05:30,444
'cause let me tell you
something, I'm not a remote.

136
00:05:30,478 --> 00:05:33,180
Meegan, baby,
can we just let this go?

137
00:05:33,214 --> 00:05:35,315
No, I'm talking to the Pussies
of Anarchy right now.

138
00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:36,817
- Oh, boy.
- Yeah, you.

139
00:05:36,851 --> 00:05:39,052
Why don't you all
gather yourselves,

140
00:05:39,087 --> 00:05:41,221
and why don't you just go
and figure out a way

141
00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:44,424
to [bleep] on each other's
leathery peni.

142
00:05:44,459 --> 00:05:46,427
- Hey, [bleep] you, bitch!
- (gasps)

143
00:05:46,461 --> 00:05:49,463
- Oh, no.
- (squeaks)

144
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:54,468
(sighs)

145
00:05:55,971 --> 00:05:59,073
It's not even the plural
of "penis."

146
00:05:59,107 --> 00:06:00,074
- (punching thud)
- Yeah!

147
00:06:00,108 --> 00:06:01,242
(thugs laughing)

148
00:06:01,276 --> 00:06:05,412
I'm the queen of the world!

149
00:06:05,447 --> 00:06:08,148
Yes!
I feel invincible!

150
00:06:08,183 --> 00:06:11,485
Like I have super powers
or something. Ha ha!

151
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,888
You hear that,
all you [bleep] of the world?

152
00:06:13,923 --> 00:06:16,725
I can do anything I want,
and no one can stop me.

153
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,793
Because you don't have to
fight your own fights,

154
00:06:18,828 --> 00:06:20,529
- you crazy bitch!
- (gasps)

155
00:06:20,563 --> 00:06:23,198
- Oh, boy.
- (squeaks)

156
00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:26,702
Oh, no.

157
00:06:26,736 --> 00:06:28,837
(squeaks)

158
00:06:28,871 --> 00:06:30,572
(sighs)

159
00:06:30,606 --> 00:06:33,709
Ugh! Oh.

160
00:06:33,743 --> 00:06:36,211
Nothing can stop me!

161
00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:38,213
Action.

162
00:06:38,247 --> 00:06:39,548
Hey, have you ever
found yourself

163
00:06:39,582 --> 00:06:42,217
in High Point, North Carolina,
and not feeling safe?

164
00:06:42,251 --> 00:06:46,154
Come on down to Doug Duggart's
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

165
00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:48,289
You will learn
to tackle and grapple,

166
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,091
(gong rings)
And--

167
00:06:50,126 --> 00:06:52,694
(gong echoing)

168
00:06:52,728 --> 00:06:54,762
like a ultimate fighting pro.

169
00:06:54,796 --> 00:06:57,029
At my studio, you get
hands-on training,

170
00:06:57,064 --> 00:06:58,798
(both grunting)

171
00:06:58,832 --> 00:07:00,466
and individual attention.

172
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:04,669
So hut! Hut!
(grunting)

173
00:07:04,703 --> 00:07:06,370
Tackle and grapple.

174
00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:08,972
Take on multiple enemies.

175
00:07:09,006 --> 00:07:11,974
This is a tackle.
That's a grapple.

176
00:07:12,008 --> 00:07:13,975
This is a tackle.

177
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,543
That's a grapple.

178
00:07:15,578 --> 00:07:17,110
Get-- There we go.

179
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,978
(grunts)

180
00:07:19,012 --> 00:07:20,379
Tackle and grapple!

181
00:07:20,413 --> 00:07:24,416
All ages, learn to protect
yourself and your loved ones.

182
00:07:30,055 --> 00:07:32,189
There are many
different levels.

183
00:07:32,223 --> 00:07:33,723
There's the beginner level,

184
00:07:33,758 --> 00:07:37,593
and if you pass my private
one-on-one sensei trial,

185
00:07:37,627 --> 00:07:40,862
you may make it
into the advanced class.

186
00:07:40,897 --> 00:07:42,029
Tackle and grapple!

187
00:07:42,064 --> 00:07:43,631
Doug Duggart's
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

188
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:45,832
at the High Point mini mall.
Just east of the pizza barn

189
00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:48,502
two doors down from Carl's
Discount Wheels and Furniture.

190
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,003
So-- quick tackle!
Get down. (grunts)

191
00:07:50,038 --> 00:07:51,538
(muttering)

192
00:07:51,573 --> 00:07:54,141
(all grunting)

193
00:07:54,176 --> 00:07:55,710
No, stay-- stay away.

194
00:07:55,744 --> 00:07:57,712
Special discounts
for college students.

195
00:07:57,746 --> 00:07:59,347
S-- Mm, move it.
Get your leg back.

196
00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:00,515
(gong rings)

197
00:08:00,549 --> 00:08:03,884
Put your leg back there.
(gong echoing)

198
00:08:08,069 --> 00:08:09,603
There's an elevator etiquette,

199
00:08:09,637 --> 00:08:11,571
and people gotta be following
this etiquette.

200
00:08:11,606 --> 00:08:14,475
When I get on an elevator
and I press six

201
00:08:14,509 --> 00:08:17,078
and the light lights up,
and you get in the elevator,

202
00:08:17,112 --> 00:08:19,547
if you're going to six
and you see the light's lit up,

203
00:08:19,581 --> 00:08:21,682
don't [bleep] touch
the button.

204
00:08:21,716 --> 00:08:24,117
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit
diddle-diddle-dit

205
00:08:24,152 --> 00:08:26,453
dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit
diddle-diddle-dit.

206
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:27,754
What are you doing,
Morse code up in here?

207
00:08:27,789 --> 00:08:29,256
Yeah, that's right, man,
I'm sending--

208
00:08:29,290 --> 00:08:30,424
sending a telegram.

209
00:08:30,458 --> 00:08:31,791
Sometimes it makes the doors
go faster.

210
00:08:31,826 --> 00:08:32,792
- Oh, yeah?
- You want to really

211
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:34,060
- get it going...
- Uh-huh.

212
00:08:34,095 --> 00:08:35,629
- You gotta warm it up.
- Yeah, yeah.

213
00:08:35,663 --> 00:08:36,730
- Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
- Yeah. yeah,

214
00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:37,932
The doors have not yet
closed, sir.

215
00:08:37,966 --> 00:08:39,467
Every elevator's different,
man.

216
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:43,070
I'm a elevator whisperer,
really, is what I am.

217
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,974
This one needs a little care,
needs a little tender--

218
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:47,876
tender TLC.
Come on, baby.

219
00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:49,411
What's--

220
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:52,814
Come on, baby.
Let's get it going.

221
00:08:52,848 --> 00:08:54,615
Let's get it going.

222
00:08:54,650 --> 00:08:56,117
She's not responding to you.

223
00:08:56,151 --> 00:08:58,319
You know, I'm just--
just gonna take the next one.

224
00:08:58,353 --> 00:09:00,355
Yeah, all right, all right.

225
00:09:05,426 --> 00:09:07,594
Uh, I actually pressed it
already.

226
00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:10,631
- Mmm?
- The walk button, I pressed it.

227
00:09:16,903 --> 00:09:18,537
Couldn't hurt
to press it again.

228
00:09:18,571 --> 00:09:19,738
But it won't help.

229
00:09:19,773 --> 00:09:22,675
I mean, I pressed it
already, right?

230
00:09:22,709 --> 00:09:24,678
It's already done.

231
00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:26,479
You don't think
I didn't press it?

232
00:09:26,514 --> 00:09:28,782
No, I wasn't saying that.

233
00:09:28,817 --> 00:09:31,919
Good, 'cause I most certainly
did press it.

234
00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:34,956
Just have to wait for it
to change.

235
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,564
So I'm, like,
late for work,

236
00:09:42,598 --> 00:09:44,532
So I'm just--
just gonna press it.

237
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,536
What for? Why would you do
something that's already done?

238
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:53,242
I mean, I just think that
that's crazy, right?

239
00:09:53,276 --> 00:09:55,377
- I dunno.
- You wouldn't suit up

240
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:58,780
and try to kill Bin Laden again.
It's done.

241
00:09:58,814 --> 00:10:03,818
I have killed the Bin laden
of pressing this button.

242
00:10:03,852 --> 00:10:06,154
How long ago
did you press it?

243
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,757
What do you think, I've been
standing here for days?

244
00:10:08,791 --> 00:10:10,058
- I--
- I just pressed it

245
00:10:10,092 --> 00:10:11,693
right as you walked up.

246
00:10:11,728 --> 00:10:13,128
Are you sure
you pressed it?

247
00:10:13,163 --> 00:10:15,464
Am I sure I pressed it?
It's--how could I miss it?

248
00:10:15,498 --> 00:10:17,833
(scoffs) Rats know
how to press buttons.

249
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,234
Do you think
I'm dumber than a rat?

250
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:22,204
No. No, nobody's saying
anything like that, man.

251
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,240
It's gonna change.
Just--just wait.

252
00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,609
It's because I pressed it
already.

253
00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:30,445
Okay, no offense.
I'm just gonna press it.

254
00:10:30,479 --> 00:10:32,648
What would you do that for?
This is precision equipment

255
00:10:32,682 --> 00:10:34,817
Designed by people
with engineering degrees.

256
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:35,952
It will work.

257
00:10:35,986 --> 00:10:38,588
I pressed it, sir!
I pressed the button!

258
00:10:38,622 --> 00:10:40,223
While we've been
standing here,

259
00:10:40,257 --> 00:10:42,792
the light cycle
has gone by twice, okay?

260
00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,627
I'm not saying
you didn't press it.

261
00:10:44,661 --> 00:10:45,828
I'm just saying
maybe it didn't work!

262
00:10:45,863 --> 00:10:47,063
If it didn't work for me,

263
00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:49,699
why in the world
would it work for you?

264
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:53,636
You think that it would
change faster if you pressed it?

265
00:10:53,671 --> 00:10:55,605
You think the light
doesn't like me, or something,

266
00:10:55,639 --> 00:10:58,808
or do you think that this
particular button was designed

267
00:10:58,843 --> 00:11:00,043
so that it only works

268
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,978
after the second time
that it's been pressed?

269
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:04,781
'cause that's lunacy, okay?
Do you understand?

270
00:11:04,816 --> 00:11:08,051
Do not cut my balls off
on this one, okay?

271
00:11:08,086 --> 00:11:12,622
Please,
do not press the button...

272
00:11:12,657 --> 00:11:13,790
again.

273
00:11:13,825 --> 00:11:18,162
Okay, fine!
We'll just stand here!

274
00:11:18,196 --> 00:11:21,899
Thank you.

275
00:11:21,933 --> 00:11:23,968
- What?
- Hey, no!

276
00:11:24,002 --> 00:11:25,970
Oh! oh!

277
00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:28,772
Told you shouldn't have pressed
the button.

278
00:11:28,807 --> 00:11:31,007
Told him not to do that.

279
00:11:31,041 --> 00:11:34,041
No, actually, I already
pressed the button, sir.

280
00:11:36,843 --> 00:11:37,943
(dance music)

281
00:11:37,977 --> 00:11:40,445
All right, fellas,
Coming to the stage next

282
00:11:40,479 --> 00:11:42,880
is the beautiful Galaxy.

283
00:11:42,915 --> 00:11:46,084
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, baby.

284
00:11:46,118 --> 00:11:48,553
♪

285
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:50,589
Oh.

286
00:11:50,623 --> 00:11:52,257
♪

287
00:11:52,292 --> 00:11:55,160
Gon' be for you.
(chuckles)

288
00:11:55,195 --> 00:11:56,428
You can keep it.

289
00:11:56,463 --> 00:11:58,230
There's more
where that came from too.

290
00:11:58,265 --> 00:12:00,233
Trust me.

291
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,701
(whistles)

292
00:12:01,735 --> 00:12:04,370
There's my girl.
Oh, damn.

293
00:12:04,404 --> 00:12:06,839
I'm straight up talkin' 'bout
some Darryl Dawkins right here,

294
00:12:06,873 --> 00:12:07,840
Because this
some chocolate thunder.

295
00:12:07,874 --> 00:12:09,742
What, girl?
Make it rain!

296
00:12:09,776 --> 00:12:11,443
(laughs)
Yeah.

297
00:12:11,478 --> 00:12:13,946
- Oh, yeah, girl.
- I try to make it last!

298
00:12:13,981 --> 00:12:15,948
(laughs)

299
00:12:15,983 --> 00:12:18,651
(mutters)
What--

300
00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:20,019
All right, girl, mmm.

301
00:12:20,053 --> 00:12:22,021
Sha-pam! I'ma get it
right in the booty right there.

302
00:12:22,056 --> 00:12:23,389
Uh, and booty-swam!

303
00:12:23,424 --> 00:12:24,924
That's what you call
a booty investment.

304
00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:26,593
(laughs)
Sha-blam!

305
00:12:26,627 --> 00:12:29,729
But you really don't need
to give 'em that much.

306
00:12:29,763 --> 00:12:31,264
I don't think
they're expecting all that.

307
00:12:31,298 --> 00:12:33,232
Whoo!

308
00:12:33,267 --> 00:12:35,101
It's kind of like
feeding a squirrel, you know?

309
00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:37,169
I mean, they will
come back to you, so--

310
00:12:37,203 --> 00:12:39,371
Oh, oh, oh, my gosh.
Some of this is getting lost.

311
00:12:39,406 --> 00:12:40,606
Let's get it right
where it needs to be.

312
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,375
- Right in there, baby. oh, yeah.
- Keep it classy.

313
00:12:43,410 --> 00:12:45,177
- Ha ha ha!
- Keep it classy.

314
00:12:45,211 --> 00:12:46,678
Oh, [bleep], somebody
better get a umbrella,

315
00:12:46,713 --> 00:12:48,013
'cause I can't stop
making it rain.

316
00:12:48,047 --> 00:12:49,548
It's like Noah's flood
up in here.

317
00:12:49,582 --> 00:12:53,585
Whoo, two by two, baby.
Two by two! Ha ha!

318
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,320
Baby, you don't know
that I'm the General,

319
00:12:55,355 --> 00:12:57,590
'cause it's Stormin' Norman.
That's what they be calling me.

320
00:12:57,624 --> 00:13:01,302
(velcro slowly tearing)

321
00:13:05,565 --> 00:13:07,132
- Ahh.
- Damn.

322
00:13:07,167 --> 00:13:09,735
Anyway, like I said,
when you finish training,

323
00:13:09,769 --> 00:13:11,570
we'll get Scotty Musso
up in here.

324
00:13:11,604 --> 00:13:13,939
That [bleep]
can train a boxer.

325
00:13:20,446 --> 00:13:23,448
(laughs)
Ooh, Lord have mercy.

326
00:13:23,482 --> 00:13:25,016
You don't know nothing
about this. (laughs)

327
00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:27,118
Make it rain!

328
00:13:27,152 --> 00:13:28,653
- Aah!
- What the--

329
00:13:28,687 --> 00:13:30,087
Are you an idiot?

330
00:13:30,122 --> 00:13:32,923
Leon,
get this guy outta here.

331
00:13:32,957 --> 00:13:35,859
All right, nobody move!
There he is.

332
00:13:35,894 --> 00:13:36,927
There who is?

333
00:13:36,962 --> 00:13:38,429
- You, on your feet!
- What?

334
00:13:38,464 --> 00:13:41,065
- On your feet.
- What I do?

335
00:13:41,099 --> 00:13:43,500
You're under arrest
for photocopying money.

336
00:13:43,535 --> 00:13:45,536
Oh, goddamn it!

337
00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:48,339
You know how long it took me
to cut all that out?

338
00:13:48,373 --> 00:13:51,075
I got carpal tunnel syndrome
up in this bitch,

339
00:13:51,109 --> 00:13:53,177
calluses on the inside
of my thumbs.

340
00:13:53,211 --> 00:13:54,845
That's definitely real,
though.

341
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,096
(soul music)

342
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,898
Remember the character
that Laurence Fishburne played

343
00:14:01,933 --> 00:14:04,367
in <i>Boyz N the Hood</i>?
Furious, right?

344
00:14:04,401 --> 00:14:08,071
We love those characters
who are--like, the older dudes

345
00:14:08,105 --> 00:14:09,573
who just have to be
spouting advice

346
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:11,041
to everybody in the movie.

347
00:14:11,075 --> 00:14:15,946
Dude walking around with
some sort of food in his hand.

348
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,981
Want a lemonhead, son?
You want a lemonhead?

349
00:14:18,016 --> 00:14:21,785
You want a lemonhead, son?
Want a lemonhead?

350
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,488
I got corn nuts in this hand,
lemonheads in this hand.

351
00:14:24,522 --> 00:14:26,490
(laughs)

352
00:14:26,525 --> 00:14:28,559
Which one you want?

353
00:14:28,594 --> 00:14:29,895
The funny thing
about those dudes,

354
00:14:29,929 --> 00:14:32,064
those dudes, they're never,
like, in their 70s.

355
00:14:32,098 --> 00:14:33,999
They were always,
like, in their 40s or 50s.

356
00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:35,133
- Mm-hmm.
- [bleep], why is you--

357
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:37,535
- why don't you have a job?
- Yeah.

358
00:14:37,570 --> 00:14:39,504
- How are you giving me advice?
- Where is your job?

359
00:14:39,538 --> 00:14:40,905
He's just, like, you know,
sitting on--

360
00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:43,174
Boy, you need to get out there
and get yourself employed,

361
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:44,809
- so something with your life.
- Mm-hmm.

362
00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:46,912
'cause I ain't got time
for no monkey business.

363
00:14:46,946 --> 00:14:48,113
Mm-hmm.

364
00:14:48,147 --> 00:14:50,381
And what do you do
for a living, sir?

365
00:14:50,416 --> 00:14:53,817
L-- Advise.

366
00:14:55,000 --> 00:15:01,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

367
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:05,861
Mm, brothers, brothers,
brothers,

368
00:15:05,896 --> 00:15:10,333
see, when are we gon' think
of ourselves as more than this?

369
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,968
(chuckles)

370
00:15:12,002 --> 00:15:14,103
What y'all doing,
y'all rollin'? huh?

371
00:15:14,138 --> 00:15:15,204
(chuckles)

372
00:15:15,239 --> 00:15:17,106
Flippin'? Stoopin'?
(chuckles)

373
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:18,874
Boxin'? Maxin'?

374
00:15:18,908 --> 00:15:20,409
Chaxin'?

375
00:15:20,443 --> 00:15:22,711
I used to stoop.
Oh, yeah.

376
00:15:22,745 --> 00:15:25,047
I used to flip, roll, you know,
whatever you want to call it.

377
00:15:25,081 --> 00:15:27,216
(chuckles)
Me and my crew,

378
00:15:27,250 --> 00:15:31,821
we would get into activity,
much like yourselves.

379
00:15:31,856 --> 00:15:35,058
You see, the problem was,
we were only perpetuating

380
00:15:35,092 --> 00:15:38,228
the stereotype the system
already assumes about us.

381
00:15:38,262 --> 00:15:41,130
Mm.
You see, we need to

382
00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:44,400
stop feeding into
the preconceived notions

383
00:15:44,435 --> 00:15:45,902
that we are all--

384
00:15:45,936 --> 00:15:49,505
Great job, you guys.
You really work hard today.

385
00:15:49,539 --> 00:15:54,210
I wish I could pay you more,
but you know how it is.

386
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:57,581
Eh--who are you, huh?
What do you want?

387
00:15:57,616 --> 00:16:01,152
I-I don't know.

388
00:16:01,186 --> 00:16:02,686
As you were.

389
00:16:02,721 --> 00:16:04,788
As you were what,
smart guy?

390
00:16:04,823 --> 00:16:07,725
(cursing in foreign language)

391
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:14,398
Mmm. Oh, ho.
Brothers, brothers, brothers,

392
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:17,869
Look at yourselves.
Pants hangin' off your ass,

393
00:16:17,903 --> 00:16:19,704
Looking like
a couple of clowns--

394
00:16:19,738 --> 00:16:23,574
which you are. Okay,
enjoy the birthday celebration.

395
00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:24,776
Gimme your [bleep] money,
Bitch!

396
00:16:24,810 --> 00:16:26,044
- No! No!
- I said,

397
00:16:26,078 --> 00:16:28,446
- gimme your [bleep] money, bitch!
- Oh! Oh!

398
00:16:28,481 --> 00:16:30,915
- (grunts)
- Brother, brother, brother.

399
00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:34,519
Sir, everybody
in this self-defense class

400
00:16:34,554 --> 00:16:36,488
has already paid
to participate.

401
00:16:36,522 --> 00:16:39,456
If you're interested,
you can sign up online.

402
00:16:41,258 --> 00:16:42,692
- I'm interested.
- Good.

403
00:16:42,726 --> 00:16:44,426
That's why I came over here.
I'm interested.

404
00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:45,793
I'm gon' think about it.

405
00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:48,828
- I'm interested.
- Thank you, sir.

406
00:16:48,862 --> 00:16:51,463
Now, ladies, it's gon' get
really intense today,

407
00:16:51,498 --> 00:16:52,764
no matter what happens.

408
00:16:52,799 --> 00:16:55,600
I will be groping
your breastasies

409
00:16:55,634 --> 00:16:57,434
as if you were being attacked
like a real attacker.

410
00:16:57,469 --> 00:17:02,071
Brother, brother, my brother.
Now, I was watching you.

411
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:06,741
Now, you older brothers
need to break the stereotype

412
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:09,376
and stop being so preachy.

413
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:10,610
- You know what?
- Mm?

414
00:17:10,645 --> 00:17:11,744
- I'm preachy?
- Mm.

415
00:17:11,778 --> 00:17:13,111
Come on.
(scoffs)

416
00:17:13,145 --> 00:17:16,480
You preachy, man.
Plus, you older than me.

417
00:17:16,514 --> 00:17:20,316
I'm nine years old.
I got Benjamin Button's disease.

418
00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:24,352
S-- I'm done. I'm done.

419
00:17:29,157 --> 00:17:31,257
(imitating Key) "Oh, nature's
gonna be so great once we get--"

420
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:35,459
Shove nature up your ass,
you bald [bleep]sucker.

421
00:17:35,493 --> 00:17:39,628
And by "bald [bleep]sucker,"
I mean you suck bald [bleep].

422
00:17:39,662 --> 00:17:40,662
Still awake.

423
00:17:43,601 --> 00:17:45,468
(soul music)

424
00:17:45,503 --> 00:17:47,704
Do you guys-- do you guys
like funk music?

425
00:17:47,738 --> 00:17:48,772
(all) Yeah.
(cheers and applause)

426
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:49,940
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

427
00:17:49,974 --> 00:17:51,842
I tell you, funk music
is a real testament

428
00:17:51,876 --> 00:17:53,811
to what a big group of people
can do

429
00:17:53,845 --> 00:17:55,680
- when they take acid together.
- Yes.

430
00:17:55,714 --> 00:17:59,217
It's really...
It's just fantastic.

431
00:17:59,251 --> 00:18:01,485
It looks like
a Halloween party for kids

432
00:18:01,519 --> 00:18:03,320
- when the parents was just drunk.
- Yeah, right, exactly.

433
00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:04,421
It's like, "I don't know,
just put some [bleep] on."

434
00:18:04,456 --> 00:18:05,789
"I don't--put this on
and just-- blip!

435
00:18:05,824 --> 00:18:07,458
"Just stick on that
in the head

436
00:18:07,492 --> 00:18:10,261
- "and wear nothing but a diaper."
- Yeah, you know.

437
00:18:10,295 --> 00:18:12,329
And the funny thing is,
the lyrics are just kind of

438
00:18:12,364 --> 00:18:15,099
a combination of some mode
of transportation...

439
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:17,268
- Mm-hmm.
- a food,

440
00:18:17,302 --> 00:18:18,536
- and an animal.
- Mm-hmm.

441
00:18:18,570 --> 00:18:22,941
♪ Intergalactic hang glider
with a dog ♪

442
00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:24,408
Mm-hmm.

443
00:18:24,443 --> 00:18:26,343
- And just get it in there.
- Yeah.

444
00:18:26,377 --> 00:18:30,880
♪ Ostrich farm vanilla puddin'
Give it to me, y'all ♪

445
00:18:30,914 --> 00:18:32,048
- (laughs)
- Right?

446
00:18:32,082 --> 00:18:33,149
That's it.

447
00:18:33,184 --> 00:18:34,317
Might've made
too much sense there.

448
00:18:34,351 --> 00:18:35,718
Yeah, might have made
too much sense, yeah.

449
00:18:35,753 --> 00:18:37,153
It might've made-- like,
"No, that's not funky,

450
00:18:37,187 --> 00:18:38,688
''cause I knew what the [bleep]
he was talking about."

451
00:18:38,722 --> 00:18:39,889
I knew what that meant.

452
00:18:41,225 --> 00:18:45,696
(cheers and applause)

453
00:18:45,730 --> 00:18:48,699
(funk music)

454
00:18:48,733 --> 00:18:50,200
♪

455
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:55,039
♪ Got a pocket full of funky
with a peppermint twist ♪

456
00:18:55,073 --> 00:19:00,578
♪ She's a cool, shifty mama
blastin' off on the flip ♪

457
00:19:00,612 --> 00:19:05,383
♪ Iridescent pork belly
galactic super train ♪

458
00:19:05,417 --> 00:19:09,987
♪ Mama sister playground
with a straw daddy cane ♪

459
00:19:10,022 --> 00:19:11,456
♪ Uh-huh

460
00:19:11,490 --> 00:19:13,224
♪

461
00:19:13,259 --> 00:19:15,860
- ♪ Gotta get it up
- ♪ Hey

462
00:19:15,894 --> 00:19:18,363
- ♪ Gotta get it on
- ♪ Uh

463
00:19:18,397 --> 00:19:20,865
- ♪ Gotta get it down
- ♪ Hey

464
00:19:20,899 --> 00:19:22,967
♪ Gotta make it strong

465
00:19:23,001 --> 00:19:28,572
♪ Got that quick dip crayon
earthquake jet pack on a bun ♪

466
00:19:28,607 --> 00:19:32,276
♪ Locomotive supernova
Spanish Harlem sun ♪

467
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:33,844
♪ Yeah

468
00:19:33,879 --> 00:19:38,483
♪ Slick crawfish solar blast
with a phosphorescent brain ♪

469
00:19:38,517 --> 00:19:43,755
♪ Who's that mama squat town?
Deep fried Detroit soda train ♪

470
00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:46,024
♪ Gotta shake it up

471
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:48,860
♪ Gotta move it in

472
00:19:48,894 --> 00:19:51,262
♪ Gotta put it down

473
00:19:51,296 --> 00:19:53,498
♪ You gotta make it swim

474
00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:58,870
♪ Nebulatic comets
sanitation disease ♪

475
00:19:58,904 --> 00:20:02,807
♪ Quick play tornado
rip and tickle beef sneeze ♪

476
00:20:02,842 --> 00:20:04,276
♪ Hey

477
00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:08,746
♪ Ships planets justice
cannons, cables, and trees ♪

478
00:20:08,781 --> 00:20:13,183
♪ Soctor's office penguin
shillings, railroads, and peas ♪

479
00:20:13,218 --> 00:20:16,753
♪ I said crippled donkey
Mel Brooks book train ♪

480
00:20:16,787 --> 00:20:18,922
♪ Bats on my knees

481
00:20:18,957 --> 00:20:23,661
♪ Penicillin trapdoor
laser currency beans ♪

482
00:20:23,695 --> 00:20:29,700
♪ He say penicillin trapdoor
laser currency beans ♪

483
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:31,601
Hey, what the hell
are we saying, man?

484
00:20:31,636 --> 00:20:33,370
I got no idea, man.
I'm just hungry

485
00:20:33,404 --> 00:20:35,539
and talking
about the galaxy and trash.

486
00:20:35,573 --> 00:20:37,207
I think they buying it,
though.

487
00:20:37,242 --> 00:20:39,543
(song ends)

488
00:20:39,577 --> 00:20:43,214
(cheers and applause)

489
00:20:44,416 --> 00:20:45,416
- Tackle and grapple-- No?
- Tackle and grap!

490
00:20:45,450 --> 00:20:46,817
- We tackle and grapple.
- You want we go

491
00:20:46,851 --> 00:20:47,951
- tackle and grapple?
- Gonna go tackle and grap.

492
00:20:47,986 --> 00:20:49,119
Tackle-- look at these.
Tackle and grapple!

493
00:20:49,154 --> 00:20:50,221
- No, no, no.
- Tackle and grapple.

494
00:20:50,255 --> 00:20:51,289
No, no, no, no, no, no.

495
00:20:51,323 --> 00:20:52,723
Good night, everybody.
Good night.

496
00:20:52,758 --> 00:20:53,991
- Tackle and grapple.
- You stay there.

497
00:20:54,026 --> 00:20:55,593
- Man.
- Tackle.

498
00:20:55,627 --> 00:20:58,595
<i>♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

499
00:20:58,629 --> 00:21:00,630
Oh, yeah.

500
00:21:02,772 --> 00:21:06,208
Sync & correction by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com

500
00:21:07,305 --> 00:21:13,797
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