I want to know what's going on with the huge woman,
and I want to know what the deal is
- with the red witch lady. - Yes.
Yes. Yes.
(laughs) I would too.
- You know what I'm saying? - (laughing)
Straight out.
No, but I mean, like, have you?
Have you-- have you ever slept with a black guy?
No, but I really want to.
- (laughs) - Me too!
Apparently, it is, like,
a whole other thing than sleeping with white men.
Oh, no, no.
I heard they're supposed to be, like,
way better at it or something.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that too.
I wonder if it's 'cause they have,
like-- like, better rhythm, you know?
Right, 'cause they're really good dancers.
I mean, apparently, they have, like, bigger--
Oh, way bigger penises, right? (laughs)
Yeah.
I guess that's because of Africa?
Yeah, like, I feel like they're just--
they're, like, really with you in the moment.
Hmm.
Like, if they're gonna be with you,
they're in the here and now.
Exactly. Exactly.
Because they know that they basically have no future.
(laughs) I know.
- Think about it. - It's so sad.
Think about it! (laughs)
I do feel like they treat their women with just, like,
a little bit more compassion, though.
Yeah, like, respect and stuff.
Oh, because their dads were never around!
Oh, right, and they also have a lot of time on their hands
'cause even if they have kids, they never go visit them.
Oh, please. Totally. Baby daddy?
- That's a thing. - Oh.
That's in the dictionary now because of black people.
See? Ser-i-ou-sly.
Apparently, black guys just know how to please white women.
Right? Just, like, way more than white men.
Oh, well, it's probably in their blood
'cause they're used to pleasing their white masters.
Whaaat?
- Okay. Okay. - Yeah!
- Law of the jungle, right? - (laughs) Totally.
I am so desperate to find out for myself.
- (laughter) - Me too.
- Right?
- Okay, um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
Okay.
And I swear to you,
if there is a black guy back there, I'm gonna blow him.
- (laughter) - Get it!
So, unrelated, I now have to go to the bathroom,
uh, because I've been drinking coffee all day.
So I will be back in a little while.
Well, you know what? Let-- Let me go first.
I'll be about 30 seconds.
Ooh, ow. I hit my penis there.
I'm sorry. I don't have any money, sir.
Okay.
(soul music)
♪
(heart monitor beeping, flatlines)
(screams)
Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com
(cheers and applause)
(both laughing)
Hey!
Thank you so much. I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.
Yes.
Thank you for coming out tonight.
Thank you.
So this is a little-known fact.
Keegan's wife is a dialect coach.
Yes, it's a source of ambivalence for me
because I want her to have her job
and I want her to thrive,
but there's just a bunch of British people
just coming through my house,
learning American accents and taking all our jobs.
So I'm just standing in the living room,
and these dudes are walking about like, "Cheerio."
"Yeah, [bleep] you."
- Tea bag. - Right.
But all right, I want to-- I'm gonna throw you
through a little bit of a wheel of accents.
- Just give you a little test. - The wheel of accents.
- (mimics wheel spinning) - Italian!
(Italian accent) Oh, Italian.
It's the-- is the one for me to do.
Yeah. German!
(German accent) The German is very exact.
- Cockney. - Cockney's, like, down here,
and it's with the back of your "froat."
Yeah. You know what I mean?
You guys must have some crazy role-play sex.
We do. Yeah.
Just give me an Australian.
(Australian accent) All right, I can do it.
(laughs) Yes, yes.
(Jamaican accent) I can go Jamaican as well.
Oh, that's even better! That's even better!
I can be a Jamaican. Okay.
(humming indistinctly)
Where do you want me from? Oh, there it is.
Where do you want me to be from?
- Oh, anywhere but you. - Okay.
Just anywhere-- (laughter)
Can-- Can you do two black guys at a time?
Can you just give me two?
(laughter)
You sold me out, son.
Now you gonna end up with a bullet in your head for it.
You can't play me, mother[bleep].
I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s,
Mother[bleep].
Cut. (bell rings)
(clears throat)
All right, everybody, let's get reset.
We're going again.
Nigel, that's great.
(British accent) Oh, grea-- smashing.
Thank you so much. Yeah.
Top-- Well, it's been an absolute honor and--
and what a great opportunity to be here
and be able to play an American tough.
Well, I'm just so glad
that we got you out of that BBC commitment
so you could play with us, so.
Cheers, mate. Cheers, cheers.
Antoine, listen.
I'm just not buying that you're someone
that was born and raised on the streets of Brooklyn.
That's weird, 'cause, uh, I actually was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn.
Oh.
- (clears throat) - Oh.
I was in a gang and everything.
Most of this stuff actually happened to me.
Wow. Okay. Well, that's-- that's--
that's great for us, 'cause I want you to use it.
Okay?
It's a good first take. Let's just, uh--
- Mm-hmm. - Let's get going it.
Let's get-- Let's get going.
Thank you, Jim. (clears throat)
Scene five, take two. (bell rings)
- And action. - You sold me out, son.
Now you gonna end up with a bullet in your head for it.
You can't play me, mother[bleep].
I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s,
Mother[bleep].
(sighs)
Cut. Cut. (bell rings)
(clears throat) Okay.
Uh, Nigel. That was great.
- Oh. - Brilliant.
Just, the way you move, especially when you talk.
I just really see this character coming to life before my eyes.
- Cheers, mate. - It's fabulous.
- Cheers. - It's fabulous.
Antoine, your performance, um,
It's just not quite there yet, okay?
I-I really need to see you
make more of a transformation, okay?
Like-- like Nigel, here.
- That dude's British, so. - Yeah.
Antoine, if I might jump in with a bit of advice?
- I don't think I need that. - No, no, no.
Look. Hear him out.
Maybe you might want to try
thinking of something in the material
that's similar to something
that's happened in your real life.
- Hmm. - For me, for instance,
I like to think of when me mum wanted me
to attend prep school in Leeds to become a barrister,
but I wanted to study the theater at Oxford.
Thank God.
And so that was a conundrum, really, for me.
(laughs)
I'm gonna stop you right-- right there,
'cause this is just confusing me, right?
Like, I don't need that, 'cause I am from the streets.
I was in a gang.
They told me to kill my cousin.
That might be a bit spot-on, no?
Yeah. That's a bit spot-on.
Do you have any stories that involve your mum?
What's a mum?
Oh, dear.
Scene five, take three. (bell rings)
Okay.
Antoine, remember. You're a gangster!
Okay? Betrayal, the streets.
Okay? Nigel, you're perfect.
Antoine, transform, and action!
You sold me out, son.
Now you gonna get a bullet up in your head for it.
You can't play me, mother[bleep].
I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s,
Mother[bleep].
He's boring to watch.
(sighs) Cut.
(bell rings)
Oh, that does not sound good.
(sighs) Thank you.
Antoine, I do not feel like you have found
the emotional core of this character.
Man, [bleep] this!
Nobody is more real than me. Okay?
I come from the streets, and nobody's gonna tell me
what the streets is like-- nobody!
You understand? (sighs)
That's a great speech. I just wish that I believed it.
- You want to give it a shot? - Sure. I'll have a go.
(gangster accent) Man, [bleep] this.
- I'm as real as it gets. - Yes.
This [bleep] streets is for real.
I'm up in there, man.
- You are. - I'm [bleep] from the--
from the [bleep]-- from the earth from these streets.
- from the eart-- - S-Something to that effect.
That is-- No, but I am so with--
I am with you when you say that,
even when you're saying the wrong words.
I just wish you could do that!
- You know what? - (grunts)
- (coughs) - Goodness.
(coughs)
Okay, that hurts, but I don't feel that it comes
from the right emotional place for the character.
All right? Here. Give it a shot.
Give me-- Watch. Watch.
(grunts, coughs)
That's-- That's great.
- I feel that in here... - Thank you.
- And in here, in my heart.
That's very gracious of you to say that.
Try that again.
(grunts, coughs)
I just-- I don't-- (coughs)
I don't believe you.
(soul music)
You guys are familiar with vanity videos, right?
People who, like, spend all of their money--
all of their money-- to make a video
in the hopes that someone-- I don't know who--
is gonna discover them on the Internet and go,
- "This guy's got the goods!" - Yeah!
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. "I'm gonna make you famous!"
"You got raw talent," and it's always--
it's always some kind of, like--
some convoluted plot that's like...
- Yeah. - Part one of a ten-part series.
It's never gonna get finished.
(laughing) And it's always, like--
It always looks something like Game of Thrones.
- Yes. - Always.
It's got, like...
- It's just always... - Wizards with orbs.
Wizards in it and orbs. (laughs)
These homemade videos.
It's always like this fantasy, glam, like...
It's just-- like, they're weird.
- Steampunk [bleep]. - Yeah.
Do we have any-- any steampunks here today?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
You don't have your, uh, umbrella with you today, sir.
There's not a lot of black steampunks out there.
- No. - Not a lot of--
Ah, dudes talking about, "Hey, man."
Yeah.
"I'm just representing Jules Verne
- "in the mother[bleep]." - (laughing)
(cha-ching)
(epic ballad)
♪ There's a light
♪ And it shines within the darkness ♪
♪ Of the sands of time, The sands of time ♪
♪ There's a fight (cha-ching)
♪ But the battle to be won is with the man inside ♪
♪ The man inside
♪ No valley, no ocean (cha-ching)
♪ Can stop my devotion
(cha-ching)
♪ Nothing will keep me from getting to you ♪
♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪
♪ Never wondering
♪ How I touch the sky, Touch the sky ♪
♪ Like a dream (cha-ching)
♪ You can never tell the lies ♪
♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪
(cha-ching) ♪ In the rhythm, I believe
(cha-ching) ♪ Is the power of wings
♪ There's a fire (cha-ching)
♪ And it burns the deepest fathoms of the Seven Seas ♪
(cha-ching, cha-ching) ♪ The Seven Seas
♪ True desire (cha-ching)
♪ Let the music in your heart
♪ Give way to the things that you believe ♪
♪ Anything you can achieve
♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪
♪ Never wondering
♪ How I kiss the clouds (cha-ching)
♪ Like a dream
(cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching)
♪ You can never tell the lies ♪
♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪
♪ In the rhythm, I believe ♪
♪ Is the power of wings (cha-ching)
♪ Anything is achievable
♪ Don't let nobody tear you down ♪
♪ Sexually
♪ Just take flight, it's believable ♪
♪ If you first learn to stand your ground ♪
♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪
♪ Never wondering
♪ How I touch the sky
♪ Like a dream
♪ You can never tell the lies ♪
♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪
♪ Within the rhythms, I believe ♪
♪ Is the power
♪ of wings
Don't stop pulling. Never stop.
- Keep on pulling. - (laughs)
Don't stop walking.
Keep on walking. Don't stop walking.
Oh, my God. Jahar, my friend.
Yes, Rajim?
We are a long way from h-h-h-home.
(laughter)
Every American woman is more infidel
- than the last, my friend. - You're telling me.
You're telling me, my good friend, yes.
Oh, there's a 9:00. 9:00. Here she comes.
(smacks belly)
- Mm-blip. - Shabloim!
- Okay. - (laughs)
Come on. Full-frontal face.
- Only in America, baby. - Only, only, only.
- Only in America, huh? - Come on, grab it.
- What did you see? - I want to grab--
- What? - I'm grabbing it.
This is yours, and then that is yours.
What did you see? What did you see?
- I'll tell you what I saw. - What?
- I got to see her forearms. - You got?
- A little bit of the thigh. - Yes. Oh, I saw this.
And I definitely got some ankle knot.
- You got ankle knot? - Oh, I got ankle knot.
Oh, the w-w-whole baba ghanoush, huh?
You're telling me.
It's like we've got the X-ray visions.
We are Superman. We are Superman, huh?
Oh! Shh. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go, yeah.
H-h-h-holy tabbouleh.
Would you look at the leg elbows on that one?
- Mm-hmm. - Whoo!
I'll tell you what. Ho, ho, ho!
What I wouldn't do for six seconds with her.
Yes, you would! Yes, you would!
(laughter) What would you do?
I'm going to show you right now.
You're gonna show me?
Spot me! You got to spot me.
Yes, I am here. I am here.
Let me tell you what I would do right now.
I would pump her full of iron, you know,
and then I would lift her to the ceiling.
- I'm her. - Lift her to the ceiling.
- I'm her. - Working the body.
Working the body. Working the body.
- Working the body. - Do it the head.
- Give it to the head. - Get the head, get the head.
- And you give it to the head. - Ho! Ho! Belly button.
- Belly button. - We got belly button.
- Dude, we got belly button. - Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
(gasps)
(both exhaling)
That's belly button, my friend.
I couldn't believe we saw the belly button.
I've never seen the belly button on a woman before.
I thought it was a myth.
Yes, it's like the butthole of the belly.
- Mm. - Mm.
Dig this.
Oh, what I wouldn't do for a-- give me the--
- Show me. - Give me the ball.
- Show me, show me. - Give me the ball.
- Show me, show me. - I'm gonna show you right now.
I'm gonna show it to you right now.
- What you do? I'm ready. - I get in here.
- I'm ready. - And then like this and go--
Ho! Come on, it feel good.
I get over here and then I get in there.
- Oh, yeah! - Grab the hair.
I get into it. I get into it!
- Hold the hair. - Hold the hair.
Come on, switch. Switch positions.
- Let's do it. - I'm gonna grab your hands.
- Lock 'em on. - ♪ I will show you the world
♪ Shining, shimmering, splendid ♪
♪ Don't you dare close your eyes ♪
Yes, princess, yes.
Ah. Ooh. Infidels.
Homosexual American devils.
Give them the whistle of disapproval.
I will right now.
(wolf-whistles)
- That is my boy. - That should teach them.
That is my boy, huh?
(soul music)
Pawn shops are an interesting place.
Anybody who's ever-- here's ever been to a pawn shop?
(cheers and applause)
That is a motley crew of-- of items.
Yes.
I mean, what do I want when I walk into a pawn shop?
I'll take that dartboard, that spittoon,
and that African mask, if you know...
(muttering)
The, like, saddest ones are also in, like, Vegas
'cause you know that's where, like, people are like,
"Hey, man, I'm gonna be right back for this.
- Real-- I swear to God." - "Okay, yeah."
"I'll be right back. How much can you give me for it?"
- "$5 for this saxophone." - "All right.
"I'll be back. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
"I'm gonna triple my money real quick, let's do it."
"Just go over there and they'll give you $5."
"All right."
That's, like, the number for everything
is, like-- "This is an actual samurai sword.
- "You know." - (both) $5.
"$5."
"And this is an unexploded atomic bomb."
- (laughs) Yeah. - "$5."
(groans)
"This is a briefcase with $1,000 in it."
"$5."
"$5? How is that possible?"
(cheers and applause)
(rapid knocking on door)
(buzzer)
Hey, man. How you doing?
You guys got bow and arrows?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, that's it.
Yeah, there it is. There.
That'll do it. That's gonna do it.
Yup. Where are the arrows at?
(clears throat)
Yeah. You got-- you guys got M80s?
We don't carry fireworks.
Damn! You have, uh--
You have something else that's explosive
that I could tape to the end of an arrow?
- We have shotgun shells, but... - Uh-huh. Ooh.
I feel I have to ask,
are you planning to attach those to arrows
and use them as a weapon?
What? No. What?
Are you crazy? (laughs)
You think that would work though?
What-- What-- What if I shot explosive arrows
through a window to break 'em open?
Sir, I feel like I have to ask you
what you're planning to use these for.
Oh, no, I'm not planning to do anything.
I'm just-- this is just Christmas shopping.
I'm getting a-- You got zip lines?
Nope.
But you got, like, hooks and anchors and cables?
We got some of those things,
but I do not recommend manufacturing your own zip line.
Oh, I'm not doing that. No.
Let's say somebody was manufacturing
- their own zip line. - Mm-hmm.
You think if they had busted some windows open
on a building somehow,
Then fired the zip line off a bow and arrow,
and it attached to the wall of said building,
that they could just ride the zip line into the building?
I have no idea.
Sir, whatever you are planning on doing,
please don't do it.
I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not doing anything.
I'm just doing some Christmas shopping,
trying to get it out of the way.
You know, bow and arrows for my nephew.
The zip line's for my... grandmother.
Et cetera and whatnot. You know what I'm saying there?
It's nothing. No big deal.
Speaking of other things, do you guys have
just the, uh, top half of a knight in armor?
First of all, it's called a suit of armor.
Oh, yup, that's it. That's right.
- That's what I meant to say. - We have one but it's sold...
- Oh! - As a complete set.
- Yup. Yup. - Yup.
Yeah, but the person it's for,
they only need the-- they don't need the--
they just need the top half.
- they don't need the legs. - Mm-hmm.
Well, what if somebody was shooting at you and--
what are the chances you think they'd try to shoot your legs?
I feel like I have to tell you
that a suit of armor will not deflect bullets.
I'll take my chances-- with Christmas.
Which brings me, uh, to my next question.
Do you guys have roller skates?
- I think we have a pair around. - Uh-huh.
Let me ask you a question.
How fast do you think you'd have to be going on roller skates
to get past a couple of armed guards
and still be going fast enough to smash through a safe door?
- One of those big bank safes? - No!
I don-- I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah? Uh...
Hey, you guys got one of those, you know, just one
of those big bags with a dollar sign on the side of it?
- Okay. - (snorts)
(coughs) Yeah?
You're gonna shoot arrows with shotgun shells attached to 'em
to a bank window to blow out the glass.
then you're gonna shoot a zip line through that window
and you're gonna slide on into the hallway.
You're gonna be wearing roller skates
so you can just skate on past the armed guards,
who will be shooting at you, and you're gonna hope
that they both won't hit your legs,
and, if they are aiming at your torso,
the suit of medieval armor will deflect the bullets.
then you're gonna hope to gather enough speed
to burst through the big bank vault
at the end of the hallway
where you're gonna collect the money
in a cartoon money bag.
Well, no.
I'm just an uncle who's buying some [bleep] for Christmas
And I, uh, think I'll take my business elsewhere.
Merry Christmas.
It's April.
(soul music)
(dramatic music)
Welcome to Metta World News.
Our top story, a professional athlete should never post online
looking for people to live-action role play
Hunger Games with them.
I'm sorry, Jerod, Cailey, and Zach.
Well, that wraps up Metta World News
For this Wednesday, August Microwave Wood Chipper.
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
(applause)
Look at this one here. Huh?
- Look at this one here, huh? - Beautiful lady.
What I wouldn't do to her. (laughs)
You can see full chin cleavage on this one, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
Good night, everybody.
- Have a good one. - Good night.
(cheers and applause)
(soul music)
♪
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com