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00:00:00,053 --> 00:00:02,471
Today on Judge Jessie,
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00:00:02,590 --> 00:00:04,423
Judge Jessie turns up the heat.
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00:00:04,508 --> 00:00:05,924
You signed a piece of paper.
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He gave you the snake.
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00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:08,560
Then you bring a snake
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00:00:08,646 --> 00:00:11,263
into the home
with two small Chihuahuas.
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I had not been made aware
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00:00:12,850 --> 00:00:14,433
that the snake
would get rid of its skin,
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00:00:14,518 --> 00:00:17,069
and then the sprinklers
came down with the snakeskin,
10
00:00:17,154 --> 00:00:18,404
ruined my carpet.
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What-- What set off
the sprinklers?
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Unrelated popcorn fire,
Your Honor.
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Judge Jessie.
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As a police officer,
he defended the streets.
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As a trial lawyer...
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Objection!
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he fought for the truth.
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As a black belt...
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he mastered discipline.
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As a carpenter,
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he learned the value
of craftsmanship.
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As a surgeon,
he mastered a cool head.
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As a crack ho,
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he learned to go days
without sleep.
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And as an announcer,
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00:00:56,344 --> 00:00:59,928
he does the voice-over
on this show.
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Coming up on Judge Jessie...
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Mr. Simmons, before you speak,
I know from experience
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that the police have completely
mishandled your case,
30
00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:07,853
and there is legal precedent
for you to win,
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00:01:07,938 --> 00:01:09,772
and any good defense attorney
would have told you that.
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I also know that obviously the
place where you hurt your back
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wasn't structurally
up to code, Mr. Oyama.
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00:01:14,278 --> 00:01:15,327
And furthermore,
as a sensei,
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00:01:15,446 --> 00:01:17,029
you should know a man
of his skill set
36
00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:18,030
cannot do a Mike Yaki.
37
00:01:18,115 --> 00:01:19,198
You should know that.
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Obviously, I can tell
by looking at your alignment
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that you've herniated a disc
someplace in your L4 or your L5.
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I'm finding for the plaintiff
not $2,500,
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$2,700, Mr. Oyama.
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Thank you, Your Honor.
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You're quite welcome.
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00:01:34,382 --> 00:01:36,682
Judge Jessie.
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Dusty, can I suck your [bleep]?
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Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com
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00:02:07,131 --> 00:02:08,414
Okay, so give me--
just shout out,
48
00:02:08,499 --> 00:02:10,382
like, a character or, like,
an occupation or something.
49
00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:11,383
Okay, yeah.
50
00:02:11,502 --> 00:02:12,885
Timid librarian.
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00:02:14,805 --> 00:02:16,839
Excuse me, sir.
52
00:02:18,843 --> 00:02:19,758
No.
53
00:02:19,844 --> 00:02:21,343
No, no, no, no.
54
00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:22,394
Okay, but you're--
55
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- You're-- Cut, cut.
- Shh.
56
00:02:25,015 --> 00:02:27,182
- Cut, cut.
- Why you cutting library?
57
00:02:27,268 --> 00:02:28,934
Why? Okay. I don't know.
Are you Vietnamese?
58
00:02:29,019 --> 00:02:30,402
All right, let me give you one.
Let me give you one.
59
00:02:30,521 --> 00:02:32,154
- Yes. Yeah, okay.
- Okay, you are--
60
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,856
Remember I'm driving, so...
61
00:02:33,991 --> 00:02:38,360
You are
a secure construction worker.
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00:02:38,496 --> 00:02:39,445
Okay, here we go.
63
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:42,281
You--you went to Penn State
for grad school.
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Me? No, I didn't go
to Penn State for grad school.
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Okay, there he is.
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Hello.
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I saw him.
I saw him.
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00:02:52,877 --> 00:02:55,344
For that second
when we were in it, I saw him.
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00:02:55,429 --> 00:02:57,045
Damn, that's good.
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00:02:57,131 --> 00:02:58,464
That is some good [bleep].
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00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,854
Noah Sanders.
Here for the job interview.
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00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:08,075
Please take a seat.
Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
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Job interviews, huh?
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Never fun.
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00:03:28,963 --> 00:03:30,546
Okay, just...
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00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:33,131
I get it.
Stay focused.
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Cool.
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Cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
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Oh.
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00:03:42,059 --> 00:03:44,676
- Yeah.
- Whoo-hoo!
81
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That was a big laugh.
82
00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:51,567
Oh, no!
83
00:03:51,652 --> 00:03:53,651
- I did it!
- No, you didn't!
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I did it.
85
00:03:56,524 --> 00:03:58,857
Jeez.
86
00:03:58,943 --> 00:04:01,664
Is this a job interview
or The Carol Burnett Show?
87
00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:04,196
You know what I mean?
88
00:04:04,281 --> 00:04:05,497
Oh, sir, sir, sir.
89
00:04:05,616 --> 00:04:08,116
- Oh, my God, that is too rich.
- Oh, well.
90
00:04:08,252 --> 00:04:09,785
Thanks so much
for coming in, Adam.
91
00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:10,946
Of course,
and you better stay away
92
00:04:10,955 --> 00:04:11,920
from that Chinese food there.
93
00:04:12,006 --> 00:04:13,255
Oh, my God,
you got that right.
94
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,423
That's done-- It's done a number
on my stomach.
95
00:04:17,211 --> 00:04:18,176
Here's your fortune.
96
00:04:18,295 --> 00:04:19,211
You're gonna be sick
in a half hour.
97
00:04:23,684 --> 00:04:25,801
Oh, my gosh,
what an absolute delight, Adam.
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00:04:25,886 --> 00:04:27,481
It's been great, and-- Can I
tell you something real quick?
99
00:04:27,537 --> 00:04:28,554
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
100
00:04:28,639 --> 00:04:29,972
I don't even care
if I get this job
101
00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:32,808
because I know
I've made a friend for life.
102
00:04:32,943 --> 00:04:35,027
What a terrific attitude.
103
00:04:35,145 --> 00:04:36,645
What a great goddamn attitude.
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Yup.
105
00:04:37,781 --> 00:04:39,531
You son of a gun.
106
00:04:39,650 --> 00:04:42,034
You know what?
107
00:04:42,152 --> 00:04:43,869
Right quick, before you leave,
I want to give you something.
108
00:04:43,988 --> 00:04:45,404
No, sir,
I can't take any more gifts.
109
00:04:45,489 --> 00:04:49,324
This whole thing
has been a gift.
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00:04:49,410 --> 00:04:51,159
My brother passed away.
111
00:04:53,330 --> 00:04:54,246
21 years ago.
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00:04:54,331 --> 00:04:55,464
Wow.
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00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,799
We were estranged,
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and he became ill,
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and he gave this to me
as a peace offering.
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Ohh.
117
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,009
And then one day
when we were on the ocean,
118
00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:09,845
he fell overboard on a boat
very much like this one
119
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,097
and died.
120
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I saw him struggling
all the way
121
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,851
as a riptide
just pulled him down.
122
00:05:15,986 --> 00:05:17,853
That bitch ocean.
123
00:05:17,988 --> 00:05:20,058
Would you please accept this
as a-- as a token
124
00:05:20,116 --> 00:05:23,825
of my gratitude for you
bringing joy back into my life?
125
00:05:23,911 --> 00:05:27,863
Under any other circumstance,
I would refuse,
126
00:05:27,948 --> 00:05:30,165
but I will accept
this gift today
127
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,918
because I know
how much it means to you.
128
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So I will.
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Thank you.
130
00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:40,676
Ahoy, matey.
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Ahoy, matey.
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How is that funny?
133
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Bernadette.
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Bernadette.
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- Are you hearing any of this?
- Oh, my God.
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00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:59,728
This guy. How do you keep
a straight face all day?
137
00:06:01,865 --> 00:06:03,865
She's-- Isn't she sweet?
138
00:06:03,951 --> 00:06:05,117
Sweeter than pie.
Sweeter than pie.
139
00:06:05,235 --> 00:06:06,201
Oh, my God.
140
00:06:06,286 --> 00:06:08,403
God damn it,
I love your [bleep] energy.
141
00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:11,123
Well,
what can I say, sir?
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00:06:11,241 --> 00:06:12,124
I am solar powered.
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00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:25,887
Really?
144
00:06:25,973 --> 00:06:27,839
You like--
you like that one, huh?
145
00:06:27,925 --> 00:06:29,841
Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
146
00:06:29,927 --> 00:06:32,310
Terrific.
147
00:06:32,429 --> 00:06:36,848
Best interview I've ever been
a part of in my entire life.
148
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:38,483
Okay, who's next?
149
00:06:41,071 --> 00:06:42,354
You? Ready?
Let's go. Chop-chop.
150
00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:45,107
Here we go.
151
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Come on, let's go.
152
00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:50,779
Okay.
153
00:06:50,864 --> 00:06:52,447
Hoo-hoo!
154
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,832
Hoo!
155
00:06:53,951 --> 00:06:56,418
Requesting permission
to come on board, sir.
156
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,420
Hi, Noah Sanders the name.
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00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,755
I'm sorry to hear
about your brother.
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00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,089
Maybe we could get
some Chinese food after this?
159
00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:02,290
All right. All right.
160
00:07:02,376 --> 00:07:05,093
Okay, take it easy.
161
00:07:05,179 --> 00:07:06,795
Jeez, settle down, Turbo.
162
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,102
Oh, hold on a second.
Mm-hmm.
163
00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,973
Oh, hell no.
164
00:07:23,059 --> 00:07:26,060
He did not just text me
he working late.
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That [bleep] is weak.
166
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Okay.
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00:07:28,564 --> 00:07:30,064
You know what,
working late, my ass.
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If he don't walk
through that door
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00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,650
in the next half an hour,
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00:07:32,735 --> 00:07:34,118
he may as well not even
come home tonight
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00:07:34,237 --> 00:07:37,321
'cause I'm not gonna be there
waiting for his cheating ass.
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00:07:37,406 --> 00:07:38,789
- Okay!
- All right, girl?
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00:07:38,908 --> 00:07:40,291
I ain't playing.
You know what I'm saying?
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00:07:40,409 --> 00:07:43,461
I mean, I will be there
waiting because--
175
00:07:43,579 --> 00:07:45,663
But he gonna have to put up
with a lot of [bleep] from me.
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00:07:45,748 --> 00:07:46,914
Okay.
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00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:49,834
And if he think
he gonna do this [bleep] again,
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00:07:49,919 --> 00:07:51,752
he is sorely mistaken...
179
00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:52,753
Okay!
180
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,839
Because my man
gets one chance.
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00:07:54,924 --> 00:07:56,474
- Okay!
- One.
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00:07:56,592 --> 00:07:57,925
- Okay!
- And then after that,
183
00:07:58,010 --> 00:07:59,426
- he get one more...
- Okay...
184
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:03,063
And then after that,
he gonna get three strikes.
185
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,565
- Then you're out.
- Okay...
186
00:08:04,565 --> 00:08:06,279
And if I ever find out
187
00:08:06,279 --> 00:08:09,353
that my man
was messing around on me,
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00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:12,156
he better get as far
away from me as he possibly can,
189
00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:15,276
because he do not want to get
what I'm gonna give to him.
190
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,410
Okay.
191
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,329
I got my mother[bleep]
real estate license...
192
00:08:18,447 --> 00:08:19,747
Okay!
193
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:22,366
But if and when he does
come home, that's fine...
194
00:08:22,451 --> 00:08:23,367
Okay.
195
00:08:23,452 --> 00:08:24,451
'Cause he can go out
196
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,537
and get all turnt up
with these little side hos
197
00:08:26,622 --> 00:08:29,290
and whatnot
'cause you know what, bitch?
198
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,958
He always gonna come home.
199
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,459
- All right?
- Okay.
200
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:35,095
I'm the queen bee, and he
always gonna come home to me.
201
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,514
- You know what?
- Okay...
202
00:08:36,632 --> 00:08:37,631
But you know what, but you
know what, but you know what?
203
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,517
- I don't even care.
- Oh, okay.
204
00:08:39,635 --> 00:08:40,968
But I'll tell you what happen
if he do come home.
205
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,012
Okay.
206
00:08:42,039 --> 00:08:43,659
He ain't gonna be pulling
any of that [bleep] in my house.
207
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:44,605
Okay...
208
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,390
He can come to the house
if he wants to,
209
00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:48,976
but he ain't never gonna
do that when I'm home.
210
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:50,644
- Okay.
- You know what?
211
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:54,648
Even if I'm home,
it's fine.
212
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:55,649
Okay...
213
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:56,734
You know
what I'm talking about?
214
00:08:56,819 --> 00:08:57,902
Mm, okay.
215
00:08:57,987 --> 00:08:59,486
'cause I don't give
a good goddamn.
216
00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:00,871
- Okay.
- That's what I'm talking about.
217
00:09:00,990 --> 00:09:02,489
But he ain't gonna bring
that [bleep] into my bedroom.
218
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:03,490
I tell you that much right now,
okay?
219
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:04,708
Okay.
220
00:09:04,827 --> 00:09:06,243
'Cause there ain't no
trifling-ass [bleep]
221
00:09:06,329 --> 00:09:10,748
gonna wake me up while he's
cheating on me in my bed again.
222
00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:11,999
Okay...
223
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:14,468
And I told him.
I looked him right in the face.
224
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:17,555
I said, "This is the fifth
and last time that you"--
225
00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:19,974
O...kay!
226
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:28,232
I couldn't have
said it better myself, girl.
227
00:09:28,351 --> 00:09:30,901
- You're right.
- Okay?
228
00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:33,020
You just been spouting words
of wisdom all evening.
229
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:34,321
I ain't listening to a
230
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,407
goddamn thing you saying.
231
00:09:36,525 --> 00:09:38,108
Okay.
232
00:09:38,194 --> 00:09:40,027
I don't even know what
the hell I was thinking, girl.
233
00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:41,362
You right.
234
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,748
The second that that man
walks through that door,
235
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:46,166
I'ma dump his ass.
236
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,202
O...kay.
237
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:49,503
- Okay?
- Okay.
238
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,006
Oh, my gosh,
speak of the devil.
239
00:10:03,386 --> 00:10:06,437
O...kay.
240
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:08,722
Okay.
241
00:10:13,562 --> 00:10:15,696
You know who's-- You know
who's a good actor, though,
242
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,948
female-wise and otherwise?
243
00:10:19,402 --> 00:10:20,985
Meryl Streeps.
244
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:22,903
How you gonna have
an entire career
245
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,656
and never make a bad movie?
246
00:10:25,741 --> 00:10:28,742
Like, I can't think
of a bad Meryl Streep movie.
247
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,210
Some people didn't like--
She made a move
248
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,046
in the '80s with Robert De Niro.
249
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,581
Wasn't she
in Weekend at Bernie's?
250
00:10:36,752 --> 00:10:37,918
I don't recall that, Jordan.
251
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,421
Yeah, she was the one
that was making out with Bernie,
252
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:41,672
and they were holding
Bernie up,
253
00:10:41,757 --> 00:10:43,807
and he was hooking up
with her.
254
00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:45,559
That was Streep.
255
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,428
Pretty sure it might have
been bizarro Streep,
256
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:48,762
but it was
not the regular Streep.
257
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,432
Yeah, people, early on,
they'll do some things.
258
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:52,516
What are you talking
about "early on"?
259
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:54,435
That's not early on
in her career.
260
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,569
- Yeah, I mean...
- What is wrong with you?
261
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,154
Are you on drugs right now?
262
00:10:57,273 --> 00:11:00,574
Meryl Streep was not
in Weekend at Bernie's!
263
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,576
Don't say it again.
264
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,279
- Pretty sure she was.
- She was not, Jordan.
265
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,280
Jordan.
266
00:11:12,221 --> 00:11:14,538
Hey dog. What'd you get up
to this weekend, though, dog?
267
00:11:14,623 --> 00:11:17,291
Ah, you know me, man.
268
00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:19,043
Got up all up
in that Redbox.
269
00:11:19,128 --> 00:11:20,928
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
- Yeah.
270
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,846
- You know who's good, though?
- Who that, dog?
271
00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:24,631
Robert Downeys Juniors.
272
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,767
Robert Downeys Juniors,
though, dog? Which one?
273
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,052
- Which one?
- Tony Starks, dog.
274
00:11:28,137 --> 00:11:29,720
Tony Starks! Yeah, man.
275
00:11:29,805 --> 00:11:31,021
- Tony Starks. Iron Mans.
- Yo.
276
00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:32,556
That man be building
his own suit and everything
277
00:11:32,641 --> 00:11:34,058
and getting all witty
with Pepper Pottsies.
278
00:11:34,143 --> 00:11:37,311
Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's got
a glowing heart in that one.
279
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:38,946
Wan, wan, wan.
280
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:40,814
You give that [bleep] a statue
for that alone.
281
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,700
- That's right there, man.
- Whoo!
282
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:44,234
Definitely, dog, yo,
but yo,
283
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,236
another thing
about RD Squared real quick?
284
00:11:46,322 --> 00:11:47,821
- Go to it.
- Sherlocky Holmes.
285
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:49,039
Sherlocky Holmesies.
286
00:11:49,158 --> 00:11:50,040
- Sherlocky Holmes.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
287
00:11:50,159 --> 00:11:51,041
When Sherlocksy Holmes
is in that pit
288
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,042
and he's fighting that dude.
289
00:11:52,161 --> 00:11:53,160
Yeah, and he fighting
that dude.
290
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:54,161
And then all of a sudden
in his mind
291
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,579
he made everything
go in slow motion.
292
00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:56,880
"I've got to do this,
and I got to do this,
293
00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:58,582
and then statistically
I should do this."
294
00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:00,334
And then the cane,
and then he went back
295
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:01,802
to real-life speed,
and he did it.
296
00:12:04,673 --> 00:12:05,839
What?
That was my jam.
297
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,558
- That was my jam right there.
- That was my jam.
298
00:12:07,624 --> 00:12:09,350
He knew what was going
to happen using statistics!
299
00:12:09,387 --> 00:12:10,928
Yo, and then remember
that one scene
300
00:12:11,013 --> 00:12:12,596
where he woke up in
his neighbor's daughter's bed,
301
00:12:12,681 --> 00:12:13,764
and he was all on drugs
and [bleep]?
302
00:12:13,849 --> 00:12:15,899
- Oh, yeah!
- Yo.
303
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,601
No, no, that was RD Squared in
real life, though, right there.
304
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:18,602
- Oh, it was. It was.
- It was. It was.
305
00:12:18,634 --> 00:12:19,633
That was real life, though.
306
00:12:19,659 --> 00:12:21,554
- He was good in that one. He was good.
- That was very realistic, yup.
307
00:12:21,606 --> 00:12:22,925
You know who else is good,
though, dog?
308
00:12:23,032 --> 00:12:24,064
- Who, who, who, who, who?
- Vally Kilmers.
309
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,243
Oh, we talking 'bout
Vally Kilmers right now.
310
00:12:26,362 --> 00:12:28,662
We talking 'bout Vally Kilmers
right now, dog.
311
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,913
Which one? Which one?
Which one?
312
00:12:30,032 --> 00:12:31,365
Which one? Oh, you know,
Vally Kilmers in Tombstones.
313
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,283
Oh, what?
314
00:12:36,539 --> 00:12:39,039
(imitating hooves clopping)
315
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,541
What?
Come on, man.
316
00:12:42,378 --> 00:12:44,344
That's my [bleep] right there.
Doccy Hollidays, dog?
317
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,963
Oh, my God.
My man's talking about...
318
00:12:46,064 --> 00:12:47,931
"I'll be your huckleberry."
319
00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:49,716
Ooh, and they was up
in that O.K. Corral.
320
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:50,939
- Talking about--
- Oh, the shootout?
321
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,554
- Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps.
- Buck. Buck.
322
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:56,723
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
323
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,809
Oh, you ain't okay.
Ha ha!
324
00:12:58,894 --> 00:13:00,394
- That's my jam right there.
- That's my jam.
325
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,479
But what about my boy Vally
Kilmers in the Willows, though?
326
00:13:02,565 --> 00:13:03,523
Oh.
327
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,232
What about Vally Kilmers
in that Willows, though, right?
328
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,951
Vally Kilmers in that Willows,
dog, yo!
329
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:09,036
When he was Madmartigans
330
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,621
and they was
in that medieval toboggan.
331
00:13:10,739 --> 00:13:11,738
Talking about--
332
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:16,743
What?
333
00:13:19,248 --> 00:13:21,748
And the little leprechaun
talking about, "You are great."
334
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,417
He was
magically delicious, dog!
335
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:25,002
- Magically delicious, dog.
- That was my jam.
336
00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:26,587
Oh, but what about Val Kilmers
in The Saints?
337
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,255
Oh, Vally Kilmers
in The Saint.
338
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,923
Vally Kilmers in The Saint,
though, what?
339
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,259
When my man--
my man was like--
340
00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:33,594
And-- And then--
And then he--
341
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,437
And then he was like-- he--
342
00:13:36,432 --> 00:13:37,598
I-I didn't see that one.
343
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,183
Just the cover
looked enticing.
344
00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:40,984
Yo, yo, you know
what I'm realizing right now
345
00:13:41,103 --> 00:13:42,102
for the first time?
346
00:13:42,137 --> 00:13:43,145
What's that, dog?
347
00:13:43,195 --> 00:13:44,605
It's like if there was a graph
of RD Square...
348
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,357
- Yeah, a graph.
- and Vally Kilmers' careers...
349
00:13:47,443 --> 00:13:48,358
Yeah, yeah.
350
00:13:48,444 --> 00:13:49,743
RD Square
would start down here.
351
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,578
Right, and Vally Kilmers
would be starting right up here.
352
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,614
And RD Square would get
this trajectory going.
353
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:55,449
Right, and then Vally Kilmers
be on this trajectory
354
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,867
- right here like this, right?
- And they just making movies.
355
00:13:56,952 --> 00:13:57,868
They just making movies.
Making movies.
356
00:13:57,953 --> 00:13:58,869
Making movies.
Making movies.
357
00:13:58,954 --> 00:14:00,254
Making movies.
Getting a little crazy.
358
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,338
Just doing a little drugs.
Just getting a little bit--
359
00:14:01,457 --> 00:14:02,756
Yup, doing crazy.
Making-- Still making movies.
360
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,842
And then they meet
at this point.
361
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,927
In the same movie.
362
00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:08,708
Which is why...
363
00:14:08,708 --> 00:14:11,421
the best movie
of all time is--
364
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:15,802
- Kiss Kiss--
- Bang Bang.
365
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,555
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
366
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:21,777
is my [bleep]!
367
00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,438
(haunting Western music)
368
00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:35,025
I just like to believe.
369
00:14:35,814 --> 00:14:37,260
You like to believe what?
370
00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:41,198
Maybe there's a place for me
where I can be an action star.
371
00:14:41,284 --> 00:14:42,666
Of course there's a place
for you
372
00:14:42,785 --> 00:14:43,834
where you can be
an action star.
373
00:14:43,953 --> 00:14:45,002
Where? What?
What could I--
374
00:14:45,121 --> 00:14:47,755
What could I be,
an action star fry chef?
375
00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:52,209
People have this conception
that love handles are fat.
376
00:14:52,295 --> 00:14:57,965
They are very difficult
to maintain musculature that--
377
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,800
- What are those muscles called?
- Hmm?
378
00:14:59,936 --> 00:15:01,218
What are those muscles called?
379
00:15:01,304 --> 00:15:02,686
Not a muscologist.
380
00:15:02,805 --> 00:15:04,939
You're not a muscologist?
381
00:15:05,024 --> 00:15:07,641
Are those--there's--there's
no muscle there. There may be--
382
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:08,892
I want you to grab--
I want you to grab that.
383
00:15:08,978 --> 00:15:12,062
- Yup.
- All right. I'm gonna flex it.
384
00:15:12,148 --> 00:15:14,281
- Flex it now.
- Okay, hold on.
385
00:15:14,367 --> 00:15:16,367
I got a whole chunk
right here.
386
00:15:16,485 --> 00:15:18,986
Just like a chunk about the size
of six doughnuts right here.
387
00:15:19,071 --> 00:15:20,788
Listen, I'm sorry.
388
00:15:20,873 --> 00:15:21,822
- You all right?
- Thanks, bro.
389
00:15:21,907 --> 00:15:23,040
Okay.
390
00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:26,243
We all know it's not muscle.
391
00:15:26,329 --> 00:15:27,544
- We know that.
- Thanks.
392
00:15:38,758 --> 00:15:40,924
Decker.
393
00:15:41,010 --> 00:15:44,511
Agent Jackson, you'll be working
with him on this mission.
394
00:15:44,647 --> 00:15:47,181
Agent Jackson,
let's get one thing straight.
395
00:15:47,266 --> 00:15:48,849
I don't like orders,
396
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:51,352
and I don't play by the rules.
397
00:15:51,437 --> 00:15:52,987
I trust you heard of me.
398
00:15:53,072 --> 00:15:54,438
Actually, no, I haven't.
399
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:57,274
Ooh, hubba hubba.
400
00:16:03,449 --> 00:16:04,732
We don't have much time.
401
00:16:04,743 --> 00:16:06,919
The Arachnid agents
have taken over the consulate.
402
00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:11,588
We need to get you in and
resolve this from the inside.
403
00:16:11,707 --> 00:16:14,124
We've taken the latest sitrep
of the hostile's position,
404
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:16,710
and we've reconstructed
a holographic blueprint
405
00:16:16,846 --> 00:16:18,045
of the consulate.
406
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:22,383
Save the mouth squirt
for the new recruits, General.
407
00:16:22,468 --> 00:16:24,301
Not gonna by impressed
by any fancy...
408
00:16:24,387 --> 00:16:25,769
technology!
409
00:16:34,897 --> 00:16:38,282
It's just
a 3-D representation.
410
00:16:38,401 --> 00:16:40,567
Pretty standard these days.
411
00:16:40,703 --> 00:16:42,403
All right.
412
00:16:42,538 --> 00:16:43,787
I know what it is.
413
00:16:43,906 --> 00:16:45,205
Agent Jackson,
414
00:16:45,291 --> 00:16:47,825
you will enter through
this AC duct on the south side
415
00:16:47,910 --> 00:16:48,992
- of the building.
- Yes, sir.
416
00:16:49,078 --> 00:16:51,578
Decker,
you will be dropped on top,
417
00:16:51,664 --> 00:16:54,381
and then you will gain access
through this elevator shaft.
418
00:16:54,467 --> 00:16:56,250
We want you to go down
to the fourth floor.
419
00:16:56,385 --> 00:16:58,752
Make--
420
00:16:58,888 --> 00:17:01,588
Decker.
421
00:17:01,674 --> 00:17:02,923
You okay?
422
00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:05,809
Heard everything you said.
423
00:17:05,928 --> 00:17:09,346
Elevator shaft.
424
00:17:09,432 --> 00:17:10,564
It's bright.
425
00:17:10,649 --> 00:17:12,199
Yeah, it's bright.
426
00:17:12,268 --> 00:17:13,400
The terrorists are located
427
00:17:13,486 --> 00:17:16,437
on the third and fifth floor
of the building.
428
00:17:16,572 --> 00:17:18,655
Each floor has six groups
of six men.
429
00:17:18,774 --> 00:17:20,491
What we're gonna want you to do
is stop in the middle
430
00:17:20,609 --> 00:17:23,077
of the fourth
and pry open the elevator door
431
00:17:23,162 --> 00:17:24,912
and go--
432
00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:26,780
I just want you to move
through that elevator door
433
00:17:26,916 --> 00:17:27,948
and then go do--
434
00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:33,504
Pry open--
435
00:17:35,691 --> 00:17:39,293
Elevator door.
Go down to the third flo--
436
00:17:39,378 --> 00:17:40,761
Okay, maybe
this isn't gonna work out.
437
00:17:40,846 --> 00:17:43,597
Why?
What's the matter, General?
438
00:17:43,699 --> 00:17:47,134
Everybody's putting their hand
in the laser.
439
00:17:47,269 --> 00:17:48,769
It's not a laser.
440
00:17:48,854 --> 00:17:50,637
It's a hologram.
441
00:17:50,773 --> 00:17:52,072
Tomato, tomato.
442
00:17:52,141 --> 00:17:56,693
Look, what's with all
the babysitting and handholding?
443
00:17:56,812 --> 00:17:59,313
Papa's a big boy.
444
00:17:59,398 --> 00:18:01,115
Let's zoom into the interior.
445
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,484
Yeah, let's zoom in.
446
00:18:03,569 --> 00:18:07,254
Oh, boy!
447
00:18:12,044 --> 00:18:13,660
Let's cut to the chase.
Why am I here?
448
00:18:14,897 --> 00:18:17,498
Your primary target
is your old rival
449
00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:21,835
from the Cold War,
Nikoli Androkovich.
450
00:18:21,921 --> 00:18:23,053
Now, Androkovich
has been leading--
451
00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:25,005
He's here!
452
00:18:26,142 --> 00:18:28,225
Wh-- Jackson! Jackson!
453
00:18:30,646 --> 00:18:33,514
Wait.
454
00:18:33,649 --> 00:18:36,233
Good job, Decker.
455
00:18:36,352 --> 00:18:39,353
Jackson was an undercover agent
for Arachnid.
456
00:18:39,438 --> 00:18:41,321
How in the world did you know?
457
00:18:44,193 --> 00:18:46,160
Ain't my first rodeo.
458
00:18:49,448 --> 00:18:52,666
Hot!
459
00:18:53,202 --> 00:18:56,293
In my day,
we made coffee hot.
460
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,542
Well, we were
behind each other in line
461
00:19:04,627 --> 00:19:05,793
at the grocery store.
462
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:09,964
And it was silly,
but I dropped a can of peas.
463
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,966
And he bent over to pick them up
for me,
464
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:15,302
and that's where it started.
465
00:19:16,973 --> 00:19:18,472
What can I say?
466
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,641
It was love at first sight.
467
00:19:20,777 --> 00:19:22,693
We've been together
ever since.
468
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,946
Well...
469
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:31,285
Yes, she always has had
her own way of doing things.
470
00:19:37,126 --> 00:19:39,043
Okay.
471
00:19:39,162 --> 00:19:41,912
- I see what's going on here.
- Honey.
472
00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:43,914
You don't approve
of our engagement.
473
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,000
- No, they're not like that.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
474
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,052
Yes, they are like that.
475
00:19:48,171 --> 00:19:50,304
Look at their faces.
476
00:19:52,308 --> 00:19:55,342
There's no point
in trying to reason with folks
477
00:19:55,478 --> 00:19:58,145
who can't appreciate
the differences in others.
478
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,648
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
479
00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:04,935
Honey, wait.
480
00:20:11,494 --> 00:20:14,278
I cannot believe that
you would bring a colored man
481
00:20:14,363 --> 00:20:15,362
into our house.
482
00:20:23,706 --> 00:20:25,706
He's gone now.
483
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:31,962
How about this?
484
00:20:32,048 --> 00:20:33,380
Why don't they just
make the movie that
485
00:20:33,516 --> 00:20:36,183
got straight Sidney Poitier,
Denzel Washington,
486
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,518
and Morgan Freeman
in the same movie?
487
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:38,968
- Make the movie.
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
488
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:40,371
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Extra Oscars.
489
00:20:40,371 --> 00:20:42,026
Everybody just then straight
getting extra Oscars from--
490
00:20:42,026 --> 00:20:43,794
Yeah. Talking about
Three Wise Men, though.
491
00:20:43,794 --> 00:20:45,514
- Blip, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
492
00:20:45,514 --> 00:20:47,039
- That would be my jam.
- Bullseye.
493
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:49,975
Nobody would pay be
paying attention to Jesus.
494
00:20:49,975 --> 00:20:51,764
- Don't even worry about that.
- They'd just be looking at the wise--
495
00:20:51,764 --> 00:20:53,595
That movie is clutch.
496
00:20:53,595 --> 00:20:55,664
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
497
00:20:55,691 --> 00:20:57,553
Oh, yeah!
498
00:20:57,553 --> 00:20:59,506
Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com