paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
oh no tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
[Music]
morning
another lovely morning
[Music]
preparation preparation preparations
[Music]
me
[Music]
poor gloria
such a trooper
doctor told her not to come in
so how can i help you mrs collins
i want to separate from my husband
as in
forever you know
divorce can be a very nasty business and
a touch expensive two lawyers
you and your husband at each other's
throats you sure you're prepared to go
through that you haven't seen what he's
doing
well i can offer a sort of mediation
service acting as a go-between as it
were talking to both you and your
husband
could save you a lot of time and money
if you came to some sort of
amicable settlement well i don't care
either way
what he's doing is
well he's not the man i married
i am trying to sleep up there gone 11.
[Music]
go home gloria you'll infect everyone
if you want to leave strangers field
from the council then i'll need to know
what you intend to use it for simple i
want to put a winning horse out to stud
on it
a racehorse market mischief
um
my rent's chew and i'm a little short
this month
if i were to get this lease pushed
through ultra quick then
the 315 at newmarket this saturday
keep it under your hat
consider that beard lease mr griffiths
[Music]
hello
philip collins
you need to come all this way i could
have easily gone to your office yes but
we've been through all this and you're
not leaving the house until you put on
some proper clothes i'm sorry this is a
christian deal
oh for god's sake i can't stand any more
of this
mr collins peter kingdom
and this is my sometime mute associate
lyle sorry hello how are you
doing please sit down
no um if you're agreeable we're really
here to mediate uh to come up with some
sort of working arrangement uh
for your separation i'm sorry you're
wasting your time mr kingdom i don't
want to separate
you don't no
i adore brenda
i couldn't live without her
[Music]
does the dress count as a material
witness in a case like this is that all
the inside you have to offer on this
case well i'm on her side he broke the
marriage boundaries got to go
but he clearly still loves her
i love cream cakes but if i eat too many
i would be sick yeah i think we're gonna
have to work on your analogies lyle that
was very ordinary how would you say it
then
um well i love the sound of the sea but
uh i also know that if it was up to my
ears i'd probably be well on the way to
drowning
cream cakes is better shortened to the
point
which is
[Music]
no sorry we don't deal with that sort of
thing bye
bloody phone never stops ringing
rudolph had to go home by the way oh did
she yeah she was spraying phlegm
everywhere yeah i'm not literally lyle
beatrice you don't know the first thing
about working on reception of course i
do it's a piece of cake
[Music]
knk no sorry we don't deal with that
sort of thing bye
see
piece of cake be where's mom beatrice
who was that on the phone she had to go
home i'm afraid anything i can help you
with darling i forgot my lunch money
[\h__\h] the phone i'm sure we've got
some petty cash somewhere what'd you
fancy steak and chips chinese you name
it
great
[Music]
okay kingdom and kingdom how may i help
you
out mr griffiths well
if it's about the paperwork on your
field it's only been what two hours all
the same
you'd better come and see this
[Music]
they have to go
not before you get the lease in the next
five minutes kingdom
right
all yours lyle perfect opportunity to
practice your mediation skills
[Music]
there we go
hello there
[Music]
i know what you're thinking
you're trying to remember the last line
from some like at heart
how did you know and it's true
nobody's perfect
least of all him
um can we talk about how long this has
been going on
i've only just found out
there was a stocking in the laundry
i thought he was having an affair but
when i confronted him with it he
produced the matching stocking
and then some lingerie
and then a couple of dresses
all in his size
it's like being hit by a truck
did he say
why he felt the need to do this he's a
pervert
that says it all
yeah but there are
degrees of perversion
we've been together for 14 years and he
goes and does something like this
it's a sickness
and i don't want anything else to do
with him
keep still
that'll teach you to walk up to a man
cutting logs well i didn't know what
chunk was gonna fly off and hit me
shouldn't you be answering that they'll
call back if it's important
so
how are you gonna get the romans to move
along
you haven't seen them they're all right
really
griffith just hates them
i'm afraid your wife is adamant that you
should divorce
i need you to persuade her it doesn't
have to be that way
well
even if i were to attempt that i have to
be in full possession of all the facts
fine
okay um
when did you start
dressing as a woman
about a year ago
and not as a woman like a woman there's
a big difference
i'm a man have philip collins you know
with all the heterosexual desires of
most other blokes
so
why do you do it well i prefer women's
clothes as simple as that
if i went to a therapist actually they
say i
i feel liberated or you know at home
with myself or some such
i just feel happier
see up until last year our marriage had
become a bit
i thought i'd toy around a bit
and the moment i secretly tried on this
silk
young
basque i
we
became again
like lovers in the first flush you know
it's fantastic
is that what
gave you the confidence to confess if
confesses the word um
your particular
idiosyncrasies yeah yeah i'd say so
yeah i thought naively as it turned out
that brenda would understand
because she's my soulmate mr kingdom
to lose home
just
break me in half
ladies and gentlemen
[Applause]
and he's the fastest have you farted
oh it's you hello
i i had a horse once
lovely
shouldn't you be at work
anyway as you can see mrs um
as you can see we are a trifle short
staffed here so um
if you could possibly come back on
beatrice anyone
hello mr kingdom i heard you call and
here i be now how can i help
[Music]
50 pound on market mischief to win
lunch
going to be fun working together i'm
trying to see mr kingdom on just hit you
right let's run up
see i'm looking for something anything
which has caused irreconcilable marital
frustration
philip told me you've rowed a lot
we did
things changed when i went into business
on my own
it can be long hours
and i spend a lot of weekends at
auctions or car boot sales
it's amazing what you can find yes
everything but your husband i should
imagine
you're not trying to blame me i hope
for what
for making a success of myself i'm not
blaming anyone mrs collins but
the fact is you were both prepared to
weather those rows because deep down you
must
feel very strongly for each other maybe
once
philip tells me that last year was a
huge improvement hmm it's like old times
my problem is this mrs collins as it
stands your husband's behavior doesn't
amount to reasonable grounds for divorce
oh well
not to you maybe i have to prove
unreasonable conduct
so far everything he's done he's done in
the confines of his own home and it
hasn't directly impaired your marriage
it's not like he's an alcoholic or a
wife beater or he's run up secret debts
or developed a gambling habit or been
constantly unfaithful of course he's
been unfaithful he's left me for another
woman
yes um
unfortunately that other woman was
himself
kingdom and kingdom would you hold the
line please okay so that's next tuesday
at 11 30. right you have a nice day now
bye-bye
hello sir how can i help absolutely sir
we'll be only too happy to assist you in
any way we can i got off you next friday
at 4 30 how's that good lovely look
forward to seeing you then goodbye now
wow
gloria can do it
so can i
and what's his story
worn out from helping pauline
smelly man
is peter around
no
but there is someone here to see you
hello leo
how'd you make it
you have work for us
i'm surprised you still gotta practice
letting her run things well not that it
wasn't a very selfless gesture on
beatrice's part to lend a hand i must
say i can't wait for you to get better
very soon
i'll try my best thank you if you need
me you know where i am
i was hoping you'd keep the heart scott
for me i'm rest assured i should watch
him like a hawk
so that's a pound on market mischief at
five to one are you sure you don't want
to put any more on because he's bound to
win
that's what i like to see a gambling man
i can assure you mr griffiths i am doing
everything i can to get them out of that
field i want the scum moved along and if
you don't do it i will now get on to it
and don't forget
i gave you that tip in the strictest of
faith
they will move when you get that lease
these people are very reasonable in fact
i'm negotiating with them right now
and trust me i am acting the very best
of faith mr griffiths
all right lads
[Music]
right thank you mr snell i can manage
now
oh
lyle question for you
mrs collins loves mr collins and vice
versa so how do we get them together
i'm afraid you can't have your cake and
eat it that would be your cream cake
guys please yeah
no he can't do the dress thing and
expect to keep her well it makes him
happy and it saved their marriage no
hasn't so what killed it off oh if he
stopped dressing up they'd be back to
terrible rows and an awful marriage
catch 23 then
22.
inflation all right we've got to move
for the times pk
talking of which i think we should take
the money and run
sounds cruel but the only way they can
be together is by being apart although
what you've just said makes virtually no
sense whatsoever i am for some reason
inclined to agree with it they'll call
me pk again and i'll pull your pancreas
out with a pair of pliers
[Music]
so
[Music]
no
[Music]
peter
oh
sorry i didn't mean to make you jump
no that's fine just gave me a fright
that's all
what's this
who's christopher waller
uh why simon's photo on this bloke's
license
um speak properly please you're not at
the dentist
it's um
nothing
that's not very good lawyer speakers
it's sorry your honor it's nothing it's
just something i found among simon's
effects and
that's all oh come on pete you would
have looked into it immediately what was
simon up to
i really don't know and i really know
when you're lying honestly i have no
idea okay so what's that black car been
doing parked outside for the last few
days
what black car oh you really aren't bad
at this i really don't know what you
mean by a black car that black car
you were saying
if it's bad
you need me
if you're in trouble i'm there for you
back to back shoulder to shoulder
there's no one better than me
thank you
but actually
everything's fine
you know where i am
[Music]
there's
[Music]
i had a feeling you might try something
like this now until the council released
the field to you these people are
allowed to stay here
people
i think you're exaggerating young man
they're not people
they're good for nothing scavengers
well thank you for that
i feel very enlightened now
bones to the type of person that you are
so if you'd all like to turn around and
go home i'll let you know when you can
have your field get out of here
[Music]
and one more thing mr griffiths
you can't put your horse out to stud
until after the race
so what does it matter if these people
are here or not
just wait till they've cut your throat
and robbed you blind
then you'll see
[Music]
i don't like him well that's nothing all
that
he's a racist
well he may well be but
we don't discriminate against
people who discriminate us from what we
do here
christopher
beatrice
i need a favor
i want you to put this on at the bookies
for me i'm too young
blimey scott where'd you get all that
i've been writing a book on market
mischief it's a no-lose situation i've
taken bets at five to one but the odds
of the bookies are nine to one so when
he wins i pay all my mates and still get
almost double the profit if the horse
wins you've seen him he can't lose
so what'd you say i can cut you in for a
percentage i presume your mother doesn't
know about this you kidding she'd kill
me
come on let's go uh i need to man the
phones right now scott but hey leave it
with me
they you're beautiful
not that i fancy you
i mean i couldn't
even though you are good looking
you're way too old for me
i'm sorry to say that all my mediation
has come to naught mr collins oh let me
speak to her oh i really don't think
that would work
brenda seems unequivocal in her desire
to divorce you
i mean
i suppose i could
try and string it out you know tell her
that there are no reasonable grounds and
so on but
ultimately you'd just end up spending
more and more money and what i'm sure is
a futile quest but i love her
i'm truly sorry
all right i'm not going to stand in her
way
she can have whatever she wants you know
the business and the car everything
that's the least i can do for
so
good god
how did you get
what are you doing here if you keep
lying to me i'll keep coming back
simple yes but you don't have to break
in i'm just showing you that there's no
escape
i came across a file downstairs
christopher wallace file
looks an awful lot like your brother
there could be twins if you get my drift
on one more thing i'll have the money
your brother owes me by the end of the
week
30k
30 000 where am i gonna find 30 000
pounds
this is my brother's dead he's dead how
is this my problem
who the hell are you
very pretty
don't even think about it
beatrice can't have you going around
clobbering our clients
we need to talk
he was my brother too
i know
why did he need someone else's identity
i think he wasn't very good at being
simon kingdom
and you thought you'd hide this from me
from everyone i had to
he took on the identity of one of his
friends who died
one of our clients
if that came out then all of this
every square centimeter of the practice
every nanosecond of my career would all
go up in flames well this new identity
didn't work though did it
can't have
otherwise he wouldn't have topped
himself patently not and what about the
neanderthal sitting on the end of your
bed
a debt collector
what was it
gambling
oh god
i thought i was the one with the
problems
you don't have the money do you
oh
christ peter
i'll be three months run up after the
weekend or six months down if he trips
and falls or do that sometimes
hello darling what's the odds on mark
it's all right gloria i've got it all
under control
and all the way
did you still get nine to one
here what's this
go back to school hand the money back
and forget all about gambling but i'm
gonna make loads if you're that bright
scott go and put your brain to good use
elsewhere i thought we're in this
together i don't do gambling scott
it leads to the worst kind of places and
you call yourself a mate
well stuff you be
you hear me up yours
i'll find someone else someone nicer
[Music]
that's it i'm jumping
hardy bloody heart
[\h__\h] please the day's only just begun
look you must have found something why
did he do it why did he use a stolen
identity i just don't know why
christopher waller i've looked beatrice
believe me but i can't work out what's
going on it just
i don't understand any of it never can i
i spent hours online yesterday i
couldn't find anything oh i see
so you're filling in for gloria was just
just cover for some new sideline in
sleuthing was it
tell me everything you know i'll drop
your favorite mug all i know is simon
took on the identity of the dead
christopher waller and as him seems to
have made a lot of money hence mr mrs
wallace somewhat unlikely new swimming
pool and flash sports going all that
sort of thing but they don't know
anything about it and frankly i'd rather
it stayed that way
what about that big fat hairy criminal
[\h__\h] i wanted to slap him from here
to eternity yes thank you [\h__\h] but i
think on reflection
i better deal with him on his own terms
somehow
i've got to find a way to pay him then
it'll all be over
now
can i my mark it knows nothing
[Music]
just threw games to collins
oh
are you making fun of me
are you trying to humiliate me no
no i've always rather admired that dress
i didn't know you'd be wearing it today
though i don't want him seen out of the
house like this
well it's not really within my power
and it is a nice dress in fact you both
look great
yes thank you lal
now the reason we're here really is to
sign these documents and to see if we
can work out the terms of your
separation who gets what who lives where
and so on i've already said it's all
brenda's well i appreciate that mr
collins but
the property's worth considerable sum of
money and uh got a lovely car and
renders the van for the business if i
can't be with brenda i don't want any of
it
mr collins you're very emotional right
now which is completely understandable
however you are entitled to absolutely
nothing not after all i've put brenda
through
i mean it's just a dress
same as you're wearing
well that all seems
fairly straightforward then
[Music]
your problem is that you care too much
we can't be responsible for everyone
but if there's one thing i cannot bear
it's a pointless breakup
i mean look how difficult it is for
people to meet in the first place
indeed i know i shouldn't feel
responsible but sometimes i can't help
it regardless
i mean take simon
he couldn't wait to get his ticket to
the big city
whereas for me
cutthroat urban life was the last thing
i wanted i wanted to stay here where
life is decent and heartfelt and there
are clear sunrises and golden sunsets
and
gentle points in between it's all still
here peter
it's doing a damn good job of hiding
itself is all i can say
you know
your uncle used to say that sometimes
you have to close your eyes in order to
see properly
and it works
and i'll take your word for it it's
amazing what you can see
just amazing
right
well
actually yeah little
yellow floaty dots against a red
background free your mind
this is silly
look peter
honestly i don't
oh hello there is something there
you have little faith it's slightly
dirty it's
blue and white and made of china and
very very old and it's over there
what
that applauding thing i do the watering
with hmm
have you ever had it valued
stop it well they can fetch high prices
these oriental voices you know
what would my percentage be
ten i was thinking twenty
well
that's my highest
taking no
[Music]
let's make it 15.
yeah
he's only three to one now three to one
we've been back so heavily that the odds
have come right in
but that means i can't cover the bets my
mates made with me
if he wins
i lose
that's the horse game for you
they'll kill me
all you have to do is give them the
stake back but what if they don't accept
it i mean they're getting good arts now
[Music]
this feels too good for the likes of you
look at that
moving in
[Music]
what an ask that
well i'm hoping that it's the answer to
my presence gee griffiths went behind my
back to the council
don't ever burst in like that again all
right hope i'll text ahead next time
shall we he's only gonna go order ask me
you happy now good bloody rivets
well look who it is julie i've done it
myself
nice work son
good morning
i was hoping for a valuation
what do you reckon
ching dynasty
definitely worth quite a bit
well done you music to my ears mrs got
into music to my ears i wouldn't have
thought you needed the money
uh speaking of which don't you think
you're paying rather a high price for
what is tall intense and purpose is
merely a
harmless piece of cloth
i've got money yes but i'm talking about
more than money mrs collins
all philip has done is wear items of
clothing that are non-specific to his
gender
i mean the tyranny of homogenous and
socially acceptable dress codes is
rather mundane and boring don't you
agree so you're saying that you'd wear a
dress
well i
i suppose my point is that if i wanted
to i should be allowed to after all you
can wear a rugby shirt and a man's
jacket and a little bat and i did all
i'm asking you to do is to entertain the
idea that
it should be a two-way street can you do
that
no
i'm sorry mr kingdom i can't
i'll get back to you about your voice
all right well i'll leave you with this
one thought there
close your eyes and try and imagine life
without philip
i think you'll be surprised by what you
see
[Music]
hey boys let's show him his new feel
he's gonna love it i thought of all
those mayors lining up for him oh lucky
boy come on chief jeep i've got a
surprise for you
hey boys
[Music]
oscar hotel oscar hotel this is zulu
delta zula delta searching the area for
the missing racehorse
there's no sign yet
we're over the stables
still no sign over
police are investigating the
disappearance of the market
shipwreck-based racehorse marking
mischief
horse market mischief market mischief
indeed stolen from local trainer herb
griffiths in market shipwreck and it
seems that everyone in market shipwrecks
has put their shirts on this hose and
that's a lot of polyester isn't it
mr kingdom
my brother's dead in the fall
i trust we're done here now
look i have done everything you asked i
haven't involved the police i've played
by your rules there's your money i'm a
solicitor for heaven's sake
can we just
be done with this once and for all
this 30k is just the start
i'll be in touch
[Music]
um
[Music]
i'll take that over to him
did he say where he was going to go
you didn't seem to care
he's willing to lose all this
for the sake of a few dresses
it really means that much to him
i think it's more a question of how much
it means to you mrs collins
happiness versus shame
i was rather hoping the former would win
out
so i'm sure
lots of people
wouldn't blame you
such is the world we live in
but you don't know the first thing about
lost do you one it isn't something you
can get over in a week's time it lives
with you for the rest of your life
just when you think you've got
everything exactly where you dreamt it
would be
it's
gone a few memories can bring back the
odd warm smile but the reality is really
very different
loss is always hungry mrs collins
it's always looking to eat away at you
i truly hope you can cope with that
i know that i for one
have found it very hard indeed
oh i'm sorry i wasn't my place to speak
it's just been one of those weeks
anyway i'll see he gets his clothes
he's not around anymore i've dealt with
it i promise you good because i never
want to see the big fat hairy criminal
[\h__\h] ever again
hill the man's name is hill
let's just
forget about him shall we
[Music]
mr collins
oh my god
don't worry it wasn't brenda
[Music]
[Applause]
peter
kingdom so far he's refused to speak
rather than to ask for you
though haven't got your name i have no
idea
we know each other
well then
perhaps you can get him to tell us where
the horses
well mr uh
leo wilton
leo
did you take the horse
now why i do a thing like that
a sports car perhaps but a racehorse
what am i going to do eat it depends how
hungry you are
or perhaps you thought you'd leave the
head in that nice mr griffith's bed
no if you had stirred on that horse he
would have towed your caravan to another
county by now it's one fast animal
exactly well if you didn't take it who
did
in my world we look for who has the most
to gain
and somewhere in your world the same
rule applies
you can be a tiny bit more specific
could you
everything is closer to home
than you think
no i'm still not getting it
everything is closer to home than you
think
that's all we've got to go on lyle this
isn't really our concern this is a
police matter it's a code and i'm going
to crack it
close to home closer to home closer to
home close to home you sound like a
galloping horse
maybe i'm meant to maybe that's the clue
don't lie honestly i'm going to lose a
bucket load of money on the flaming
thing if we don't find it okay so who'd
lose a bucket full of money on the
flaming thing if it was found
scott
and that's as close to home as it gets
[\h__\h] you are a genius
b he's all right
i've been looking after him and
everything
i put him in the bar next to the field
no one thought of looking in there
[Music]
[Applause]
oh
[Music]
they're gonna kill me at school when i
give them their money back
they can try scott but i'll have to get
through me first
give me five
come on mr collins let's set you up
[Music]
all part of the mediation service
not that it did me much good oh i don't
know
brenda
brenda's agreed to give it another go
and that at the end of the day your
transvesticism is
well
immaterial
so when did this happen
well mr kingdom told me to close my eyes
you mean open them
i'll explain you later
mr collins we mrs collins
yeah
give me a nightie willie
don't push
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
did you find what you were looking for
indeed i did
that's my fault
[Music]
well that looks very promising
what's the point oh very well
[Music]
yes i do actually um
songs of ladies
this one's killing me
it was when gloria was off sick and i
was helping out in the office i was
close to nirvana ted it was it was
council legislation it was an inch away
i could have touched it next time sydney
yeah well i just hope that flu keeps
circulating
how do you know about odds
um lyle explains a lot to me
as soon as i'm back at work i'm going to
be having a serious work with him
where's lyle he should be here by now i
am
[Music]
the sport of kings
[Music]
and kingdoms
and they're all
[Applause]
oh
[Music]
you