paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
oh no tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
[Music]
come away
oh hello you're awake now are you no
good fellow
train approaching the station
[Music]
yes
oh what a strikingly intelligent young
man you are oh
isn't it wonderful a miracle of human
life just a baby peter
babies happen all the time do you think
we were once so innocent
you weren't you were born with a suit on
and an injunction in your pocket
do you think he looks at all like simon
no
maybe his dna buggered off a conception
like the rest of him
oh you don't mind here i just have to
get this eight-year-old for a grade one
no that's fine honey you go you go leave
it to uncle
and aren't you thanks
i thought so given up law then full-time
surrogate father instead now are we
daniel has just had his rusk
oh good good because the tucker sisters
are here their muffins been injured
he fell off a cliff up by the lighthouse
the fencing is down he could have died
isn't safe out there mister kingdom
sorry um yes i think i know that place
well it's the council's responsibility
to maintain the fencing and to keep the
coastal path safe for you for muffin and
for the rest of us so you can rest
assured we'll uh we'll pursue this with
all our usual vigor
[Music]
oh i'm sorry i have to uh if you'd
excuse me lyle will see you out
you've got baby sick down your jacket
yes
[Music]
you did draft a letter to the council
for me full of you know indignation and
sort of the abnegation of responsibility
duty of care
um but we need to talk i'm sorry about
that is he okay yes but he's now in fact
lionel is about to teach him his rights
as a minor under the law of tort oh i'm
sure he's a very good teacher
uh peter i need that review the one that
you've been promising me
review uh for for what exactly to make
sure i'm covering all aspects of the law
otherwise i can't qualify oh yes um uh
all right uh how about this
you're doing splendidly
no no no it has to be proper i haven't
done any company law yet
oh but that's so dull
but i can't promise you know us here
we're at the whim of whatever blows
through our door
mr kingdom i've got something for you
that's all right mr snow we already have
a coat stand
oh it's bambi's twin sister
it's for horn dancing is it
what to do with fertility we simulate
the rut of the stags
letting all the girls know that i am
fertile and available
it's a personal injury case a very
personal injury i got impaled in the
buttocks boy reggie's horn
that review you were pestering me about
we can discuss it over lunch
this is lunch is it
must know where i stand in the order of
things the country line it shows how
much i value you this is one of the best
teachers for miles around
hello
is there speciality is it
the mary seleste burger
well i'm sure
[Music]
yes
just as good if not better because i'm
hungry now than i was two minutes ago on
the other side of the road
[Music]
be a kingdom aren't you yeah listen
something's got to be done about him
mate i mean i'm not being funny or
anything but i was here first right i've
got a reputation and he keeps on nicking
my trade
well actually you don't need me you want
to speak to our company law specialist
delilah anderson here really
all right so you're the boy are you
excellent i'll tell you what i'll do two
angus mcbeef burgers coming up
well done georgina
by far the best christmas candle
she always wins pictures every week it's
the same person what's wrong with this
candles holly tinsel what more do you
want there's always the cake making
competition for our next meeting
might as well just give her the prize
now
[Applause]
rodrik
you're right
fine yes
oh no
they haven't confirmed it have they
homeless at our age
it's disgraceful
we had a petition
why don't you raise it here what can
they do
the market ship for a women's institute
can do a lot of things
mr kingdom mrs pritchard ladies
oh of course it's the jumble cell how
stupid i forgot
now
jumble
some my brother's old things but you
should find something useful in there no
mr kingdom we're not here for the jumble
oh it's not beatrice again is it
oh my mistake couldn't take them back
upstairs again they didn't want jumble
and perhaps you'd like to come along for
the drive
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
i must just make one thing clear mr king
although you are the
wi's legal representative you won't be
acting for us
well not yet anyway
[Music]
are we nearly there yet not fun
we're going through with it we're gonna
shut it down
after everything we've all been through
it doesn't make sense virtually everyone
in market ship for assigned the petition
they say it's because of the erosion but
we all know it's because they just want
to save money but if you build a
lighthouse here presumably it's because
you need one try telling the bureaucrats
in london that all they do is read
reports they've never been here
don't they remember 1964 10 people died
out there we raised our family here mr
kingdom have they given you a timetable
letter's all we've got
it's almost like we don't matter
well you do matter
mile
oh come on lyle this could be one of
your last chances to get this view it's
fine really just
enjoy it without me
[Music]
you woke up screaming in the middle of
twinkle twinkle little star mr kingdom
it's affecting ted's business he can't
bend over and change his barrel
i'll deal with it mr snowden i promise
you don't uh where are you going i need
you to help me with the lighthouse much
better to be thrown in at the deep end
i'm on company law gotta ring the
highways department peter i need recipes
for cakes and i need them
[Music]
how are you on maritime law
[Music]
and our survey says
pregnant would be ridiculous
[Music]
well clearly they're all broken
[Music]
mr kingdom is coming back to me it is
negligence he slipped on some fruit
juice spilled by the toddler group and
it's their responsibility to clear it up
well since you seem to know so much
about it why didn't you pursue it
yourself but in the meantime there's
something you can help me with
there's one man in market ship bro who
knows how to be a pain in the backside
of government monoliths that man is you
thank you very much for its kingdom it's
this lighthouse business i've spoken to
trinity house they say they are still
i'm gonna close it down huh
so you want me to find some devious way
of stopping him
devious
no technical loophole stroke legal
complexity yes but so you're employing
me
freelance consultant i think would be
more accurate description huh
please give me a job
ad hoc and don't worry he's no higher up
the salary scale than the dickensian
wage i'm forced against my will to pay
you
hmm
i spoke to the council they say they've
taken all reasonable measures apparently
as soon as they met the coastal path
fence and vandal comes along and cuts it
[Music]
why can't people just leave it alone
someone could die
councils say they only mended it the day
before muffin went over the
and that's edge thing how did they get
muffin back up again it's only about the
size of a
of a lemming
maybe they formed a human chain there
are two of them lyle and they're each
over 50.
[Music]
mr kingdom just in time for a game
or some purple sprite broccoli
i'm afraid
bringing any kind of action to recover
your losses from muffins vet bills is
unlikely to succeed
these things happen
lemon cheesecake um no thanks i'm not
allowed
they can argue they're doing everything
they possibly can they've actually been
repairing that particular part of the
fence at least twice a week matter of
fact i think even as we speak hopefully
that'll do the trick
don't blast
sorry
well possibly but uh
rogue elements armed with bulk cutters
are
notoriously hard to predict the council
have got dc yellend onto the case to see
if he can prevent it happening again but
i'm sorry
even in the law being the innocent party
sometimes isn't enough well
muffins back to normal normal and that's
all that matters
mr kingman
some you win and some you lose this one
we lost
have a look at him look
you see there's no rules about where you
can or can't trade and lay by
she's very nice so what are you saying
well i'm saying that as long as he
leaves the site every night because
there's no nuisance or obstruction well
there's nothing we can do
you got your horseradish
i don't believe this i've got a good mic
to go over there turn these gas bottles
on and torch it to the ground that's not
a good idea but we've been here 30 years
my dad used to run this before me we
were the best lay by guy 10 years
running thank you very much he's even
calling himself a name like mine you see
i'm burger it okay people know it they
like it it's funny
so what's he calling himself
burger off
i want him crushed right
[Music]
oh that's rank
[Music]
oh dear
have you made one
no
you have haven't you
you're lying
just a small sponge
[Music]
now then young miss
can you remember anyone at the toddler's
group who spilt fruit juice on the floor
at or about the level of the electric
fire on the wall
archer i'm sorry i don't really remember
i'm usually far too busy chatting with
the other mums
lack of parental control got to write
that down oh excuse me oh miss king
investigator
lighthouses i am now the world's
official expert on all things flashing
so have you found a pearl amongst the
oysters then no just a lot of grit i'm
afraid trinity house have done
everything by the book they want to
close it down they can do just that so
disappointing after we've done yeah they
can even turn it into flats if they want
can they
i mean they can sell it to whomever they
like they could do exactly as they
please
so they could even set it to someone who
wanted to keep it as a lighthouse
oh very good mr kingdom the tomes mr
smelled the tomes we've got digging to
do
thank you
do you ever want a company law
specialist and i'm your man ah you sold
the burger van walls of the a147
assuming no not jeff smith do you know
him well how else do you think i've got
a waist this size have you tried the one
with double norfolk mustard oh god oh
nice things you're smoothing
water
very strong as norfolk mustard you're
all right
you are right yeah look yeah ah
anyway
oh your dispute
i think i've got a solution
hey quite getting game quick
every day mate right well he's going to
court really it's called a passing off
action
all right you see by calling himself a
name almost identical to yours he's
misrepresenting himself and injuring
your established business well that's
brilliant isn't it i tell you what
i'm gonna enjoy this i'm gonna have to
serve him with papers so what i need
from you is his name gordon
golden one well gordon smith he's my
brother
your brother
yeah
mr kingdom
what is it mr snow
i think i've got it
[Applause]
she should be banned
why didn't we think of that
oh you're here oh look you've had to be
ah
well it's not actually mine he's um it's
my brother's well you know yeah you get
set in very well so i took him out and
got in some fresh air seems to have done
the trick yeah he's related to me too
[Music]
you're saying we buy the lighthouse i
know it's a bit more complicated than
that see they're not allowed to sell to
the women's institute but they would be
allowed to sell to an established
lighthouse authority
so we set one up
we become
a lighthouse authority
it is possible
it's been done before
then i suggest that we put this to the
vote
oh i didn't know anyone was here sorry
but don't let me stop you sounded
wonderful oh i was just tinkering
do you play
me
do you want to try
you're mad
i don't think so
okay so you're gonna accompany me with
eight notes all right i'll show you
[Music]
ladies
what are you looking at me for it wasn't
me either well two people voted against
ellen john hit your heart out
all right so it's a three count after
three okay all right
one two three
so
wow
very good
that was amazing
[Music]
uh i'm sorry
i've got to go
sorry
[Music]
i don't know what i was doing
all i know is that i've ruined it
why did i do it why peter well sometimes
the moment overtakes us doesn't it
abandoning our constraints for a joyous
nanosecond
we cast our inhibitions to the wind but
what does lyle think of me
has he said anything
oh what's the point even if he has i've
ruined it
nothing's ever that black always
will you speak to him
you know him
you know me
woman trouble
me
no
mind trouble what
definitely not you want to talk about
that
not really
how's your injury doing
super
i am getting a lot of female sympathy
since i started showing in the wound
i haven't actually managed to convert to
anything stronger but i am working on it
maybe that's what you need get yourself
an injury walk with a limp
hey i'm only trying to well
what do i have to say to make you
believe me i do believe you i did not
vote against the lighthouse i don't give
a toss about the lighthouse i don't give
a toss about those menopausal women why
does everybody always blame me
i merely wondered aloud
who it was oh piss off
i'm sorry
it could have been anyone
mrs lloyd dukes has never forgiven
cynthia ever taken over the chair
mrs elliott doesn't speak to mrs bolton
ever since the elderflower cordial
incident
miss huntley's nose is out of joint
since no one that actually can't call it
the hot supper see this backstabbers
anonymous
no idea was such a
nest of vipers
[Music]
beatrice
go away
[Music]
peter council rang someone's vandalized
the coastal path fence again sometime
yesterday afternoon
and you've had 15 messages from separate
wi members
all of them think they know who voted
against
aha
all of them gave me a different name
ah what made me think they'd be capable
of running a lighthouse authority
well
ah you haven't seen him have you well he
hasn't made a point of saying hello if
that's what you mean
lyle
who is it
it's archbishop desmond tutu do you
think it is
you aren't gonna have to talk to her
eventually you know you can't lock
yourself up here forever like some sort
of legal nun i didn't start i just want
to listen to a play in the piano and
before i knew it would
she fancies you
wouldn't even say you could do far worse
you knew
yeah yeah and suppose i did pursue it
and things get serious she's the mother
of your brother's son which means i
could end up being stepfather of your
nephew which would make you and me step
brothers
yes well fortunately for both of us in
law such connection has no meaning
whatsoever
but you will speak to us
yes
good
so how are the burgavan wars going
actually yeah i need to speak to you i
was gonna wish you a passing off action
reasonable way forward except the other
burger van man uh they're related
they're brothers
brothers
oh come on what are you afraid of give
him
loyal hi hi excuse me
can we talk later
yeah yeah later
bye
[Music]
patch is patch oh that's great that is i
don't suppose you told you where we got
his fetch well your dad left it to him
look it's me jeff little anderson you
solicitor
[Music]
look listen i've left burgers over there
in that label my dad for 10 years me not
him well he was off hitchhiking around
the globe i was up to my elbow i was in
burger fat
he never mentioned oh he wouldn't would
he you know never does storing my life
there do all the work and none of the
credit
well won't your dad leave the van to you
well he was the blue eyed boy wernie
four years he was away and then only
rang home to get bailed out of some
financial crisis in thailand
yeah so then when he came back took over
that place and sat me what was i
supposed to do save that bought this van
and try to get back a piece of what's
rightfully mine so you could talk all
you like mr anderson but i'm going
nowhere
not yet
off the peppers he moves on to tomatoes
[Music]
unless the wi stop there's petty
squabbling we are sunk
just like the mona li
sorry
the 1964 tragedy it was before my time
mr kingdom
but if this lighthouse isn't here it'll
happen again mark my words
[Music]
peter
what sort of dog was it
big one
little one
sorry what dog are you talking about a
tucker sisters
doesn't answer the name muffin does it
tony i've got a witness so you saw two
ladies cutting the fence witness thought
the dog was called muffin
i think sure
not enough to press any charges
but
why on earth would they want to do
[Applause]
[Music]
i know how is my great nephew oh it's
bouncing beautiful as ever
now
where
where is your
mummy eh
nice girl honor
you can do the decent man what she saw
in your thoroughly indecent brother
have lovely nose
you won't go getting too attached now
would you i want all of you fuss too
much
well there's always the off chance that
simon might show himself again
oh
i don't think there's much answer that
frankly
simon as
christopher waller was last seen in las
vegas a year ago he's probably
in some proverbial dick dead
for heaven's sake what is g i mean
why don't i just buy a formula one
ferrari it's got fewer moving parts
the women's institute has always been
dominated by self-interest that's its
strength at least everybody knows who
dislikes who
if the world was run by the women's
institute we would have half the
problems we do
though why they voted against the
lighthouse if an alumni yes and why did
the man at the lifebed station suggest i
ask you about the disaster i was
courting
one of the lifeboat men who was killed
that night
or purvis
i don't think it would have led to
anything but i was devastated all the
same
the ship founded on the rocks and the
lifeboat was washed over the top
why was the ship so close in
because the lighthouse keeper had let
the light go out lord knows what he was
doing nobody ever found out i don't
think he ever came to terms with himself
either he took his own life
that's terrible
yes
the people you should ask are the tucker
sisters though they would have been
quite young
the tuckers
it was their uncle tom who was the
lighthouse keeper
you knew
well why didn't you think to tell me
well i didn't think it was relevant in
this office mr snell i'll be the arbiter
of what is or is not relevant
so what can you tell me about in this
this uh tom tucker oh bit of an odd
bloke really never married bit of a
strange family all around
did those sisters sign the petition i
don't know well find out will you get
onto the planning department i want to
know if anyone's ever logged in
objection to anything involved with any
time in the past
beatrice
about this morning i i didn't mean to
upset you i'm sorry i'm i'm really sorry
no you're not peter
what you're sorry for is your own little
upset in your own little world you're a
lawyer you use words to hurt people that
is your job
miss kingdom i've worked out who ted
should sue for his injuries and i've
sent them off a letter
oh good good
yes um well done
never sent a letter on headed no paper
before
on my headed paper
mr snell you don't work here
no and even if you did you're not even
remotely qualified to bring an action on
behalf of any client
no
so who are you suing ah
can't remember
have you been swimming in ratatouille
can i put laundry on expenses
kingdoms listed
one moment
it's for you peter
mrs jodie higgins
peter kingdom
oh
i see
and how old is your son
good lord i need to get some milk
i'm sorry
well i can assure you mrs higgins that
no member of my staff is involved i will
launch a full inquiry and get back to
you as soon as i have i am so sorry
mr snell
ted's antler buttocks injury case
what on earth possessed you to sue a
two-year-old child
a witness
i believe so
i imagine it'll only be a matter of time
before d.c yellen is knocking on their
door
is that dealt with we'll all feel safer
on that path near the lighthouse that's
very good news very very good news
is it
look
i know
that it was you two who've been cutting
the fence
and i know it was the pair of you who
voted against the lighthouse the other
evening
why
your uncle was the lighthouse man what's
your objection to the lighthouse
sweet peas look nice this year don't the
mr kingdom look forget about the sweet
peas dolly this is important
what is your objection to the lighthouse
[Music]
so
[Music]
i just can't understand what they've got
against it if their uncle worked there
surely they know how important that
lighthouse is mind you if tom tucker was
my uncle i'd want it knocked down
ready
you're obviously not listening mate
because no spells no well then you
listen to me mr smith the bruising
suffered by mr anderson here goes way
beyond the call of duty of any trainee
solicitor i don't know where you get
your tomatoes from but i suggest you
change your supplier before someone gets
really hurt you will talk to your
brother and you will talk to him today
even if i have to drag you there myself
[Music]
so can i hit him no you may not there
will be no punching no gouging no
physical contact of any kind no water
bombs will be launched and no bottoms
will be shown
unless you sign up to a complete
cessation of hostilities there will be
no deal do i make myself clear
[Music]
yes
good
then
ah diplomatic mission will commence in
one minute
see you there
[Music]
right
[Music]
right so we can do this one of two ways
the first is the legal way where jeff
here takes an action against you gordon
bring it on where's your naturally
defended yes sir i do which costs you
both thousands in fees with the loser
paying even more money in fact the only
happy people be me and mr anderson yeah
because you'll have paid us a small
fortune which will go a long way towards
paying for that holiday in barbados
we've been promising ourselves
back to 20. or you can play it the other
way where you stop being so pathetic
and sorted out for yourselves like men
this is not only cheaper
but it will also spare the barbadians
the sight of me in swimming trunks so
which is it to be
have you considered that if you stopped
fighting you could actually work
together
both sides of the road
one business for the good of all concern
no more burger it and burger off but
burger all
[Music]
i think they want us
[Music]
[Applause]
i'll see you
[Music]
are you all right
you're not hurt
well if he is he's not saying anything
like the brave little soldier he is
where are you taking daniel oh tyler
tell me what let me you can stay behind
and attend lyle's wounds it was the most
uncivil war
[Music]
shall we hear that thing
[Music]
afraid it's been a complete mix-up a
member of staff responsible had no idea
that your son's only two
excuse me
ted
i'm glad you have come along i want you
to meet the mother of the boy who
spilled the juice that you slipped on is
that boys we thought we weren't supposed
to communicate until we got the cork
oh you're not going to sue him
what do you mean
sydney said i had nothing in shirt case
no we did
well
i think you wouldn't want to um you see
his mother's recently divorced
and uh so is sarah over there
emily hello
hello and rachel
in fact you launch a case against the
toddler group and you can kiss goodbye
to your chances of dating any woman from
here to yarn
jody
i'd like you to meet ted who was injured
by your son's fruit juice
look he's just a flash wound we'll show
it to you but oh you know his kitty's
present
went in
here
we were practicing the horn darts
fertility
and see you ladies know all about that
[Music]
so how did we get on inquest on tom
tucker's suicide and shipper disaster
inquiry
uh there was something in there i didn't
know
on the night in question there were two
young girls in the lighthouse but they
were too young to be called as witnesses
dorian and dolly tucker
[Music]
it's not so much a file on him more a
series of complaints
you ask me
that's why he killed himself
nothing to do with the tragedy
i'm not too sure i think maybe they were
both linked
um
you haven't seen that by the way
no no of course not in the same way that
i never confirmed they had a dog called
muffin
oh few mr kingdom
swing ball not today miss tucker
see the question that kept coming
back to me again and again was why you
two wanted that lighthouse shut down
when you more than anybody else know how
important it is to keep it open
and you kept cutting the fence to make
the erosion seem more dangerous
and then i read these
in questions your uncle's death and the
inquiry into the tragedy
you were at the lighthouse on that night
weren't you
it was
a secret that your uncle tom asked you
to keep wasn't it
from what i understand
there were other complaints other
children
other young girls
because you couldn't complain you
your family
mum
would get us to take food to uncle tom
we had no choice
we're told we weren't
your mother couldn't have known
and anyway how could you tell me you
couldn't tell you couldn't tell anyone
could you
we hate
that late ghost mr kingdom
i'm sure for you it can't fall into the
sea soon enough
[Music]
all i would say to you is this for the
moment just believe that
uncle tom's lighthouse no longer exists
it died
when he threw himself off the top of it
it's our lighthouse now belongs to
all of us
[Music]
will all those in favor of us creating a
lighthouse authority to save the market
ship for a lighthouse please
raise your hands
[Music]
[Applause]
foreign
[Music]
with the godparents please step forward
[Music]
daniel
simon peter
i baptize you in the name of the father
and of the son
and of the holy spirit
our man
[Music]
he has your eyes well let's say that's
the only thing in mind he's burdened
with come on he could do worse
he could have simon's swindling and
fraudulent genetic nature
um
christian present
oh you shouldn't have well it's the
point of being a godfather if you can't
spawn your godson here and uh for you a
little something
oh it's beautiful
oh listen you've been more than generous
already letting us stay
i don't know what i would have done well
at least i could do under the
circumstances
just a shame that simon isn't here to
play a part in his life too
still i'll do my best to make a poor
substitute
simon was never reliable
we were wondering if you'd be available
to babysit
what do you mean
oh oh i see um yes i'm sure couldn't we
yes when
[Music]
uh
[Music]
you're good with children
me yeah
[Music]
you know if you ever get barred from
being a lawyer you could always become a
child minder
i can't explain it i've never felt it
before
must be something to do with coming from
the same gene pool
stinks in here have you been smoking
oh
i said daniel off
simon
it's good to see you again
[Music]
you