paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
i want tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
[Music]
look at him
sleeping like a baby
not a care in the world
bless his cotton socks he hasn't got any
took them away from him so he wouldn't
hang himself
still he must have had quite a tough
night even tougher morning
yjk what are you doing
[Music]
that you
what answers can i possibly give you
that time your brother faked his suicide
wasted 18 months of police time left the
country under an assumed name used said
name to appropriate funds and then when
he came back you conveniently forgot to
tell me and you get me never thought i'd
have to say this to you but i hope you
know a good lawyer
[Music]
these up
you there
[Music]
oh yeah
picnic
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
oh
[Music]
is
[Music]
okay
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
oh peter we're so behind i've got miss
camilla constantine in your office did
you get to see simon
only threw the peephole of the cell
that happened
you looked small
very small
oh
[Music]
oh dear
i've got something for that
now
don't touch it
let it soak in ah
everything's going wrong today
is there any news on simon
in here
morning
good morning
it's my boyfriend he's
well he's not returning my calls
one minute he was there
the next he was gone i don't seem to be
able to track him down
i'm a solicitor i'm a private detective
i am aware of that
but i don't know where else to turn well
i'm sorry i'm expecting his baby
oh
i really don't think it's right
he can just run off and leave me
well
if he has indeed reneged on his parental
duties then that's something i'm fast
becoming an expert in
i suppose this scoundrel has a name
brad
bradley johnson
captain bradley johnson of the united
states air force
it's war
no i'm sorry they're attacking mr
kingdom mr snell would you say goodbye
to miss constantine on your way out
goodbye look those yanks have taken the
flight path directly over my house and
they've nearly shake my teeth up please
sorry about that
it gets a bit exciting from time to time
so you'll help then
well when it comes to taking on the
entire might of the american air force
it would seem that i'm the man for the
job
hey
now i don't want to sound preachy what
have you ever thought about a push bike
only the environment's getting very
angry at us and i thought maybe
maybe
we could get a tandem
sorry um
maybe the speed camera photos are not
just telling you to slow down what to
change your mode of transport it wasn't
me
well it's your motorbike license number
it wasn't riding here
so who was
i don't know
i'll chase it up for you
see if we can't contest the points in
the finale
after you
uh i was gonna take the little one for a
walk under it if you fancy coming
i would obviously uh i've just got so
much to do
sorry
ah
yeah freshly fed changed and winded
seems like i really picked the wrong
brother
mr kingdom i want you to divert those
jets i really want with anti-aircraft
fire ground-to-air missiles don't use
your lawyer's noggin that's your best
weapon
oh sorry sorry sorry um look um the
council must have granted them the right
to fly over me so you've got to get them
to
unground the right
i'm gonna grant the right and make a
good protest song wouldn't it
yeah well at this rate my own will be
reduced to rubble then i have to find
somewhere else to live and what the
price is being like they are and all the
townies coming in it means i might have
to leave market shipwreck for good
really
peter
that would be awful mr snow we can't
have that can we oh thank you
peter kingdom
you're a good man
a good man
and anyone on earth gave him that idea
is that simon's
yes
oh she got in it
you're starting to worry me peter
i'm starting to worry myself next to
simon
i thought you went there to help him
even if i wanted to i'm not allowed to
represent my own brother it contravenes
every known legal practice
would have been so much easier if he'd
stayed dead
this is bad
market shipper is a town of gossip
encounter gossip and some of it sticks
for a lifetime if word gets around the
time it's incarcerated no one's going to
want to be represented by us
then all i can say is you better find a
way out of this
money makes the world go wrong a little
compounded
no no no no
tell him about the money tell him about
the money
no he'd never understand
she's really keen on me
honor
and i can't believe her i am a real
catch well there's a squid but you
wouldn't want one pushing a pram for you
would you trouble is i think i like this
biker
no we are
covering the full spectrum of our
sexuality today aren't we
not not a big fat hairy bloke a woman
with all the
curves and swerves yes shall we talk
about something else
do you want to talk about
anything but your frantic hormones okay
here's one
let's talk about simon
perhaps not that
the weather no that's much better
as in whether or not your brother's
gonna ruin us
[Music]
[Applause]
morning sir name in business
peter kingdom and this is lyle anderson
sir
uh we're here to see the base commander
it's on mitten
you stand still sir we're killing that
go there sir eastgate eastgate i need
backup we have no intruder repeat we
have an introduction to genuine phobia
right sure get down the ground head back
on with them there's no need for them
out you're under arrest oh well thank
you lyle let's make it a family affair
shall we let's get all the kingdoms
locked up well now
ugh
i forgot to share a cell now this is
your lawyer
i'll have to provide you with one and
since your brother can't or won't
meet mr arndale command dale and
callaway
are you serious go gentle on him
he's just come back from a nervous
breakdown
[Music]
next time someone challenges you on your
business try giving them a straight
answer
i'm scared of bees
and what can we do for you other than
darning your hole uh well two things uh
really firstly uh your jets are flying
over a client's house someone's got to
defend your country
kingdom is from you it would seem
uh but more pressingly we need to be in
touch with captain bradley johnson who
one of your pilots bradley johnson
captain
never heard of him
all right well thanks uh thanks all the
same but um if it comes to i think i'll
uh defend myself
i need a lion on a mouse
there is nobody else where's peter
where is he then um
oh
oh i wish were here and maybe a
bag of explosives she'd bust simon out
of jail and then
hopefully we'd never see him again
no
don't give up
that's never been your way
come at the hour come at the man
all right
i'll show those americans
you can't have jets screaming over
someone's house at seven in the morning
no not even at zero 700 hours
can we talk
yep
well what do you think of me
i
think you're great
lovely
and if i was single and unencumbered
what would you think of me
i thought you were great
lovely
damn
you've got simon
that's not quite the comforting thought
you might think it to be i guess what
i'm trying to say is
simon might need you
and i wouldn't want to complicate things
why'd you have to be so nice
[Music]
hello again
lavender is heavenly this time of year
but what a spectacular place you have
here
i don't really know how to put this but
when i went to the air force base they
told me they don't have a captain
bradley johnson sorry
they've never heard of him apparently
there is no such flight captain he
doesn't seem to exist
but he does i've met him
i've heard him in my bed for goodness
sake
what is this
perhaps you can tell me a little more
about your relationship with this man as
in
uh when did you disappear exactly
practically the moment i told him i was
pregnant
how long have you been together
three months by then
that's enough completely
at least i thought he loved me
and there he is running away he has to
wonder why any sane man would flee all
this
seems fairly credible
i'm not lying to you mr kingdom i swear
and i truly don't want my baby going
fatherless
brad is as real as you or me and i want
you to find him
i don't know how to proceed short of
munching and armed offensive then do
that
please
go in with all guns blazing if you have
to
[Music]
so listen number one
what don't we do
run away from bees
although i don't know why we're back
here we've already said he don't exist
i think she's making it all up
what possible motive would she have for
doing that i've got all the answers you
don't have to do some of the work
look at that another bloody petroleum
kill in the planet there goes another
polar bear
what
polar bears they swim to where the ice
used to be only to find that it's melted
so they drown since when did you become
a tree hugger i just want a future that
doesn't involve paddling to work in a
canoe well there's your answer from the
kayaking school for polar bears ooh nice
hog
thanks what
it's a biking vernacular
um that's not bradley johnson by any
chance isn't it as i let him breathe do
i know you no peter kingdom but i think
we have a mutual acquaintance camilla
constantine
never heard of her
i'm robinson you have listen numbnuts i
don't know the girls i'm nuts take a
hike big guy
you sir i'm beginning to annoy you
move or i'll run you over
i don't think you'd like me when i'm
angry you've seen the hulk right well
this is the oxbridge version
right now
stop messing about come on
have you counted
or presently correct
[Music]
where's the driving music it is driving
ish
[Music]
you're not in a jet plane now no no
you're on land my land
client
not now lyle they're watching us
[Music]
okay
what's it have
giving chase
yeah on behalf of my client what is
going on with you peter
i mean
3 pm tomorrow afternoon your brother's
going up before the magistrate now he's
going to try and make bail
out of the following what do you think
his chances are is it a
slim hope is it b
no hope or is it c
bob
off the record
i feel really sorry for you and on the
record
i'd get as far away from simon as i
possibly could
don't let him take you down with him
mate
i tried to tell him that you weren't
riding the bike but they need absolute
proof in the
shape of the person who was
i'm a courier any more points and i'll
lose my job
this set
goes all the way
down
get me off
and i'll get you off
[Music]
i'm sorry simon but peter's on business
i know it's the one call you're allowed
such a shame you wasted it he doesn't
know i'm here doesn't he hasn't
developed amnesia or disappeared without
a word perhaps
now you're back
where the hell have you been
oh
were you worried
well of course i was bloody worried ah
well then now you know how i spent every
minute of the last 18 months
so what have you got for me
meaning
well if i'm going to get bail then i
need something concrete and what do you
mean like a sort of part of a building
as oh don't joke you never wear the
funny one
look
basically if
or when i get bail
then i need to know that you can pay it
me
but that could take tens of thousands
i already spent thirty thousand mortgage
simon that's the family house
yeah i'm family
come on it's only concrete
you need you can't say no
you don't always sleep on my floor if it
all goes tears up
tips
please
heard one of the nurses saying it
rather took my fancy
so uh
do you think
i'm finished
what i think is
you should start finding your way out of
this my hands are tied simon's going
down and he's gonna take us with him oh
god
this isn't peter kingdom talking
tits up for the labs
is on this occasion it's absolutely out
it's out oh out
if it begins at 9 14 a.m present are dc
yelland simon kingdom
and his solicitor
simon kingdom
for the record they are one of the same
morning
can um
your client
tell me exactly why he chose to fake his
own suicide
after consultation with my client i've
advised him to say nothing
isn't that right mr kingdom
for the record simon kingdom is nodding
in agreement look are you going to be
like this for the whole interview
yeah
we are
trickster bravo runway 7
i'd like to know why you told me that
there's no captain bradley johnson on
the base when i've clearly seen the man
for myself because there isn't one i
spoke to him no you didn't
i made some inquiries you must have
spoken to a corporal brad johnson works
in the mess hall he's a kitchen
assistant he's not pilot
listen sonny
we may not know every name of the
thousand or so men on this base but i do
know my pilots
now you say this johnson's been
impersonating an officer well what i'm
saying is he seems to be anything but
honest
in my world where the truth rises and
sets with the sun dishonesty is a very
unwelcome trespasser plus he kicked me
in the ghoulies
so can we speak to him not before we do
it's gone awol
a corporal
i'm afraid so but he said
i know
he
oh god
well i can only assume that he
he was trying to live up to what he
imagined your expectations were
which is a lot of living up to do
and mountains worth if you look at this
place
you're saying i shall feel sorry for him
kilimanjaro in fact yes thank you though
i you should feel what you feel or
everest
ah the fact is you've been
well and truly hoodwinked but why
well he was telling you the things that
he thought you wanted to hear
but he had to scarper because if you
were to get married say and he'd have to
tell you the truth although he could do
the catering at the wedding
how much do they earn
excuse me
these mess hall assistants
well i
not much i should imagine
just wondering how much i can sue him
for
oh
uh
well i'll find out here
i want every penny he has it's the very
least my child deserves
leave peter out of this leave all of us
out of this
get some proper representation and stop
bleating all about yourself look from
where i'm sitting there's only one
option left i need peter's help i need
to talk to him you've got to get him to
listen to me the only talking you need
to do now is with your lawyer and we
both know that's not your brother
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
mr kingdom because of them jets i lost
two fillings from my teeth and while out
there they i hung out there they shook
them right out of my head they did and i
bought them just in case you need them
as evidence
where is everybody
with simon in jail what do you expect
hmm
well my father built this business up
from nothing but i i've gone in the
opposite direction from something to
nothing in one easy step
kingdom and
yes
bradley where are you
hey thank god
over
here i should call the military police
you do know that don't you
i need your help sir oh it's so now it
was numb nuts before but it's impossible
i'm already acting for camilla and you
assaulted my junior i was in a panic
they're gonna discharge me send me home
i want you to find my case and what case
would that be exactly i fell in love sir
oh you really are a tiresome man you
think you can walk into someone's life
lie through your teeth get what you want
out of them and then abandon them
without remorse you should run for
president
what else could i do
you seen her house how she lives
she wouldn't want one i really am
wouldn't take me for serious husband
material that's for sure
go home brad wherever that might be
and leave this gentle world of ours to
wind its honest way you are a gold
digger you were in danger of being found
out yes i'm sorry if the truth hurts you
and that's all i've got to offer
i want to be a pilot sir
more than anything
ever since i can remember
but i'm colorblind
can't even fly a kite
i fell in love the moment i saw cammy
and i knew
well anyone would what sort of man would
win her heart
all i did wrong was try to be what she
wanted
no brad the only sort of man who could
win her heart is an honest one what she
wants what all of us want is nothing
more than someone we can trust
sounds simple i know but for some reason
these days seems to be harder to find
than
than a book in the big brother house
good morning
hi
okay i've got a plan
now what we need to do is find a friend
who's willing to take your points on
their license
in fact i'd be willing to
this is everything we have on simon
it's time for you to prove yourself your
man
kept working
hello
hi
what are you doing here
where else would i go
get out
we need to talk and i've been trying to
do just that for the past month well i'm
here now
what i feel about you is as true
as true get
but i have to tell you something i'm not
proud of it
but i'm gonna tell you anyway listen um
take a seat
i just need to give myself a moment
you mean it absolutely
don't move
[Music]
hello i have um captain
corporal bradley johnson here i believe
you went awol
yes
yes i can keep him here yes
[Music]
okay
calm
nice and calm
you sneaky
[Music]
you're all that i want i swear
[Music]
you're what
leaving
moving on
in my hour of need
no
and mine
honey there's nothing here for me simon
and the chances are you're not going to
be around for a few years
thanks for reminding me
even if you were you're not the right
father for my child
did you bring daniel so i could say
goodbye
simon he barely knows you as it is so
the least contact he has with you the
better
magistrate's waiting
right
very good
um
be safe
[Music]
when we want it
now
[Music]
hello
is uh is miss constantine about
her she's in her cartilage
very amusing well there she is now
probably gotta get dinner on for the
thickstones
the the dixons she's their housekeeper
is everyone a liar
what happened to the truth plain and
simple i didn't lie to you i do live
here you just assumed this was mine
well you may not have lied to me but you
certainly did deport brad what are you
thinking of
i'm gonna have a child to support
i'm practically penniless
totally lonely with nothing going for me
you try being that so you thought you'd
bag yourself an american pilot
i thought he'd take me away from all
this
i don't know who's worse you or brad
well maybe it's me maybe i expect too
much of people
i still want you to sue him i can't
afford to bring up a child not on my
wages
no this was all all some plan of yours
was it to
to get yourself knocked up so that he'd
be forced to look after you how dare you
anyway i grew to like him to love him
and then what were you going to tell him
hmm after you got married we're going to
tell him about all this
the truth
hmm it would have been a bit late
all i wanted was to be someone
with someone
to look after my own family instead of
someone else's i can't believe such a
simple thing is so hard to find
it isn't
it's just that you two made it sir
i have to take this through
camilla
we've all been lonely
we've all imagined that nothing good
would ever happen to us
but it does
i swear
well good luck believing that
honestly goodbye mr kingdom
[Music]
how's it going
fine all fine here i'm counting on you
we all are
don't worry i'll think of something
hey hey
fingers crossed
mr simon kingdom
due to the not insignificant nature of
the charges against you
and because i fear you may well try to
flee the country again
i hereby set your bail at 100 000 pounds
what are you kidding
can he do that
he just did
[Music]
yell and called they've set bail oh yes
how much
hundred thousand
a hundred
pounds
oh it's unprecedented we never raised
that
well it looks like simon's going to be
on roman for the foreseeable future
doesn't it
mind you
stretch at her majesty's pleasure might
just knock some sense into him
why do they say that
pleasure i mean
trekking the queen sort of smiles every
time someone goes down
so to speak
well
that's that then isn't it
goodbye simon
i thought you wanted it that way
of course not he's my brother
i mean he may be stupid
corrupt crazy lazy and selfish but i
love him dearly
and i wouldn't wish
i'd never wish this time
silly question
but you don't have the money
does anyone
[Music]
i thought you'd wash your hands and me
not quite
in you get sorry
get in i'm waiting for a cab
i'm tired
i want an early night with a good book
and a fine scotch
and i won't be able to rest until i've
done this
done what
i don't want to see brad
i think you should let me be the judge
of that
[Music]
as far as i can see this is a matter
entirely for the us air force not my
jurisdiction at all
they intend to send you home and
formally discharge you
i don't care
might as well be dead i lost everything
um
not quite
camilla
come on tell him
come now you've exhausted every other
possibility there's only the truth left
it's a good option i promise you
be honest now do you think
our baby will like america
[Music]
there's a place for you at nature and
prison bell marsh i've just been told is
that an open prison
uh brian
could i have a minute
so you mortgage the house
i knew you come through for me
no simon i didn't
what do you mean you didn't
i mean i'm not going to raise bail for
you
but i'll go to prison
very probably
so why are you here
to gloat
no i
care for you very deeply but
and that i wish you well but
other than that
i have nothing for you
peter peter listen i suppose really i'm
just saying goodbye no to peter at least
this time i'm saying it to your face
listen to me there's something in the
goodbye assignment
sometimes you know one just has to pay
the piper
peter
[Music]
you can count it if you like
[Music]
bag
[Music]
oh dear
we are slow
what
i'm cleverer than you
sharper faster fitter
about time we call the practice kingdom
and kingdom and anderson that is
tantamount to sacrilege i'd have made
bail they're processing the payment
right now come on let's go and get him
how
what kingdom in anderson
anderson consulting
shall i drive
selfless silly old duffer if there's one
person in this world i can rely on it's
you pete my lovely lovely brother i knew
you wouldn't leave me
okay i'm off to the pub celebrate
don't even think about leaving town
and you
you'd better keep a very close eye on
him
i didn't think you'd do it
mortgage the house i mean you didn't but
he must have how else would you got the
cash together well that's a funny one
matt
and they were sifting through a few
things
well one bag in particular
i guess what turned up
that's private property
so is peter's house are you willing to
let that go
[Music]
so where's the rest
it's safe
from you
looks like the drinks are on you then
oh that yeah yeah got him to divert once
i had words they soon listened nobody
messes with lyle anderson
hello
[Music]
sydney
[Music]
some tea
[Music]
see
now i'm just gonna oh good luck
[Music]
hi uh there you go
i did try and tell you about the bag
and it's it's clean money i swear
just some savings you know yes
well
i don't know where it came from and part
of me doesn't ever want to know but i
will tell you one thing
if you ever do anything to me like that
again
you wish you were dead
try to make myself clear
crystal
good
well
kingdom and kingdom
[Music]
you