paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
oh no tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world
might turn out to be completely wrong
[Music]
amazing to think he's actually down
there this time
you were quite sure he was dead oh yes
as well as the doctor and the
pathologist
and the undertaker
always appears to be certain with simon
life won't be the same without him
oh lord something's never changed come
on with it
[Music]
mr kingdom
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
hmm
[Music]
you right me oh yeah fine man of iron
fabulous
thank you
[Music]
mile anderson
kate paint
practice you've got a crowd where you
don't want one huh
oh oh now um
[Music]
but listen listen at least have a cup of
tea dad i have to go i've done your
shopping for you i'm late for work as it
is i see so i'm all on my own again am i
it's not like that dad you know i've got
work to go to you hardly ever drop by i
don't need to you ring me seven times a
day
i still have a grandson do i hey
yes
you don't have your breakfast milly it's
all right for some
good lord it's the creature from the
shipra lagoon army i think they own the
place
i am going to take them to the cleaners
legally obviously
not literally
take my clothes cleaners
morning
[Music]
when did you stop being 12.
has my new desk arrived desk
gift what new desk from a mum for
qualifying has this been through the
office furniture subcommittee personal
gift so it's exempt
don't talk to me don't ask me to do
anything i just need a moment
so
how is your father
if that's him i've emigrated
kingdom and kingdom
hello
tony i'll be right out
so
it's time to road test the ramp
right tony we'll uh
get you sorted out in a twinkle if i can
just
work out how this goes
what's the point
this says
a and there's no sign of where either
there's actually things it says here but
nice set of wheels mr king
see that's what i really miss
i get my right arm to be driving again
you're kidding me
well that's it is it
half a leg in a bloody nap that pie bit
cheap isn't it no tony we don't have to
accept this look i appreciate your help
mr kingdom but
i i don't want any fuss
what happened happened
and i'm the lucky one
a few of us didn't make it out at all
we can fight we can launch an appeal
there are plenty of other iraq veterans
taking on the mod
[Music]
look at that
it's important big car boot sale spent
about eight quid not so much as a sniff
of a date perhaps a car boot sale isn't
the best place to find love or maybe you
should have a consultation from nigel
here i'm a counselor not a matchmaker
perhaps i need counseling
all right then um
when was your last date
2002
that's gonna take a few sessions and uh
i don't come cheap
hey do you mind i spent 20 pence on that
ted this is georgian silva
it's worth about 500 quid
no y'all
well tony you've delivered for your
country i'll see you that your country
delivers for you lyle
ramp
darren you see mate that thing is hairy
[Music]
hi hi there um hi
[Music]
everything okay yeah we're moving on mr
kingdom's got everything under control
we'll do our very best i promise
i'm just a local solicitor this could be
out of our league
i promised him his country will deliver
but will it
will we
any suggestions
so hoping she was single
mr anderson
delivery
[Music]
so
[Music]
you all right yeah
fine
[Music]
ugh
[Music]
gloria i can't
it's pretty straightforward they tell me
you just sort of reach out and grab the
handset it'll be dad i can tell by its
ring
kingdom
solicited
hello cyril
yes it is yet
no no she's out i'm afraid
what
what a woo
oh yes yes yes got it yup i'll tell her
if you say so i'll let her know bye-bye
cuppa soups apparently
and uh where has itv4 gone on the
freeview box is there an itv4 it's
attention-seeking whatever i do for him
is never enough
anyone got a screwdriver
[Music]
uh
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
i'm sorry i think there's been some sort
of mistake
[Music]
why me because you're his grandson and
you're not trying to hold down a job and
locate him all at the same time it's a
gross injustice well if life was fair
i'd have to shut up sean
hi
peter oh hello nigel how's your
reconciliation with the lovely rosie
going
i wonder could i borrow some books on
family law no
who's she run off with this time oh no
one we've never been happier i'm a
marriage counselor now
haven't you got something simpler well
i'm sure
liar will have an idiot's guide i could
ask him
tell me nigel when did you decide on
this career change was when rosie had an
affair with your late brother
and the one with the bloke from the
garage and the lad from the estate
agents yes all of them i suppose well it
all had to stop
and i
obviously wasn't giving her something
right then i realized
the secret to any relationship is
communication
her desires her wanderings were just a
cry for help what she really wanted
was more of me
so i had a thought give something back
so marriage guidance
is for me
right
so you've um given up all your other
voluntary work have you the um crazy
goal for the over 70s all that oh no
still out most evenings
this way miss mitchells
new desk
what can i do for
i've been sexually discriminated against
by the army by the blues and royals
not that lottery ride along the beach
exactly the ones that kicked sand in
your face well
kate
you've certainly come to the right man
it was so humiliating they said they'd
made an administrative error that i
shouldn't have even been invited for my
interview in the first place
so i asked why
because i'm a woman
wait right there
oh
so um
usually when the army turns you down for
one regiment they do offer you an
alternative i don't want alternatives i
want to be in the blues and royals look
i am fit enough i'm quick enough i'm
good enough well you can't argue with
that i mean if she can't join the
cavalry then i don't know who can i came
to you because you know the regiment
you are dealing with tony gillespie's
compensation case aren't you
yes but i'm afraid i can't discuss that
case with you ms mitchell good
because he mustn't know anything about
this don't tell him anything
come on dad
[Music]
granddad
[Music]
why don't you want to tell him
i thought relationships were all about
openness and sharing you come back to me
when you've had a few more relationships
yourself it's none of our business
that is a ridiculous sized desk
that is a ridiculous sized office
kingdom solicitors
same family a different generation scott
scott
no
there must be
something behind it oh there is she's a
girl i can't see it's symptomatic of the
way the establishment view women girls
can't fight
they want to go to leeds on a saturday
night sas wouldn't come out alive which
mean he wasn't there he's always there
did you knock
peter
[Music]
it could be lying dead on the floor
because
i couldn't have left the keys in the
ignition
there's my car
my lovely beautiful gorgeous car where
is it
it's been stolen
it's an alphys 1965 drop head coupe te21
okay okay
hurry up peter please
alice blue with grey leather interior if
you see some joy-riding hoodie driving
in you let me know peter
[Music]
dad thank god you're right where have
you been
here
have you got my copper soups
we thought you were dead
yes scott bought them down no it wasn't
scott no it was some other boy
oh no that's ministroni i don't want
ministroni
tomato
come back when you've got tomato
deep breath
come to ten
think of angels
[Music]
i'm out of breath
bread
[Music]
so you want to join the army yes sir i
do sir sir
and why do you want to become a soldier
uh the
weapons i i want to join your lot blues
and royals
right
well normally we take you straight from
school but i suppose if you're older
you're wiser what are you doing at the
moment i work in an office doing
a job
and that job is
managerial
name lylanderson
and you're male
yes but what if i wasn't
what if i was a girl
are you having some sort of operation no
no no hypothetically what if i was a
girl then the blues and royals isn't for
you because of my sex because of combat
effectiveness
combat effectiveness no
alvis a l v i
s for stolen as in alves as in alvis has
left the building
no don't
green sleeves again shane
i liked your car yes well as a matter of
fact so did i professional job i reckon
probably stolen the water
who knew you had it and kept it here but
the whole the whole of market shipper
this is where every day it's parked in
that's gone for good
it's probably on a
container ship steaming out of harris as
we speak
i'm toriel
[Music]
peter kingdom
[Music]
it's not a battle between you and him
it's a battle between you and your head
[Music]
come on
[Music]
no no no that is not good enough
peter have you ever heard of combat
effectiveness
sorry oh
really sorry about your car hmm no it's
nothing to do with my car i've just been
on the phone to the ministry of blasted
defense they keep putting me through to
some whitehall inadequate
tony is the sole survivor of a roadside
bomb in iraq he lost his leg
and an eye
and they have itemized his compensation
46 000 pounds for his leg if you please
8 625 pays us yes and it might well be
that low because of the sliding scale
apparently if you suffer multiple
injuries in the same incident they pay
you less for each one this man these men
they fought a war in our name not in my
name well support the war or not they
they put themselves in the front line
you agreed to serve the queen and she
agrees to look after you yeah but she's
80 something don't see her changing any
bandages no it's the crown it's the
queen and country a contract between a
soldier and his nation
each promising to protect the other in
theory it's
well such a
such a noble concept
i'm sorry um you were saying something
about
combat effectiveness no don't worry i'll
sort it
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
afternoon lock keeper oh
it's a lovely day oh hi there
mum stop it
came up from barton this morning we're
hoping to make trenton by nightfall i
don't think so
not this time best you go back to where
you came from because you're not going
through my lock i'm sorry
but you're right though it is uh
it's a lovely day
[Music]
now come on gloria i thought we covered
this earlier book one lesson one page
one answering the phone
we grasp we lift we extend
kingdom and kingdom
hello cyril
what
what cyril i hope you haven't raised
your fifth story no cyril
cyril
bugger cyril i left the baby in the
trolley
you have to watch in the what
oh for god's sake peter don't fuss i'm
about to make an announcement
petra darling it's mommy i am so
confused
wherever you are just give me a nice big
screen
you're an extortionist i shall report
you i have friends of the admiralty it
is nothing short of blackmail don't you
wave your finger at me
i'm perfectly within my rights to refuse
you passing dad cyril please he's
demanding 170 pounds to let us through
this loss so sorry i'll have you through
the lock in no time
either they pay it or they go back to
where they came from dad please you
should be in an old people's home
don't you tell me where i should be or
not be your boat does not have a
navigation license and under the powers
vested in me by the market shipper and
navigation act of 1793
i have the right to collect the money or
refuse passage
a navigation license
and what might that be when it's at home
well it's you know like a road tax only
for boats
if you're not going to pay up then you
turn your vessel round and you go back
to where you came from you are not
obstructing my life please we are not
going anywhere
you have to make us
the lady is not for turning
you do have a copy of the 1793 act
of course not
it's all up here
minor problem the army has an exemption
from the sex discrimination act
all the windows in the house are open do
you want him to hear sorry
i thought you said i had a case
well there's this thing called
combat effectiveness you see in the
blues and roars you don't just ride
horses yeah i know they're an armored
reconnaissance regiment as well they do
formation wreckies and scimitars it's
what tony was driving when the bomb went
off well their point is that if you were
locked up and enclosed in a tank for
several days with a group of men then it
wouldn't be
conducive for warfare
there is however an anomaly that we
might base a case on
what are you doing here
new rider
i forgot my hat
here
i'm going to the pub cool
there's a regimen that already takes
women and deploys them in similar
armored vehicles so my theory is if
you're good enough for one outfit then
why not the other
[Music]
i want to serve lyle and i want to serve
in the blues and royals even after what
happened to tony
because of what happened to tony
i don't know how you do it sydney but
you're someone a magnet of women
i don't see much do she no
well i already know she likes you i ted
with women it's not what they say it's
what they do
i think you filled your boots mate
oh sorry oh yeah i don't mean that simon
is saying man it's that no no he didn't
mean anything about terry i don't want
no trouble
come on come on we'll get you back yeah
hello
[Music]
come on oh let's get you out i'm going
to go home yes you do
[Music]
i told you
we're moving what
you've got a horse
how observant of you i wouldn't have
believed that those peepers of yours
could still work put us back immediately
can't do that
hold the police we're being kidnapped
yes mother
it's 5 a.m
and
well
is it absolutely necessary to make
guacamole this hour it's not guacamole
it's avocado surprise
can we come to some kind of arrangement
yes we can actually i gather you have a
case involving those rather lovely
soldiers with tight bleachers who ride
along the sands now as your sister and
as a woman keen to rediscover her
sexuality haven't given birth i must
insist on an introduction
that is not the kind of arrangement i
had in mind
[Music]
kingdom and king
gloria
what
[Music]
unfortunately it's true
give up kidnapped where did he take you
from here
to here
huh not exactly crime of the century yes
but unfortunately the amount of distance
that kidnapping takes place over is not
an issue they were carried by force
without their consent the question
really is whether there was lawful
excuse
until you can show me your precious luck
keeper man act of parliament we will not
back down
neither will i
so what time are you going to start
picking me out of the dirt then
you know i'm covered in bruises from
yesterday
look i got one in the perfect shape of a
horseshoe tony you have to stop relying
on me to bring you home drunk
so you seem to be quite keen on that
young lawyer i'm teaching him to ride
oh
you've got a letter from the regiment
well aren't you gonna open it
he doesn't seem to acknowledge that i
have a life well he wouldn't would he i
mean as you get older you become more
self-centered you family moves away your
friends start dying your whole world
shrinks
he just assumes that everything is
completely perfect in my life
my first priority is scott but
i can't just abandon my dad you mustn't
be hard on yourself
sometimes
people just don't know how to ask for
help
i'm afraid they haven't increased their
offer and they won't even if we appeal
it's a fixed tariff system
so sorry you did what you could mate
i do have a friend in london who's
dealing with a number of cases like
yours might take some time but there's a
real possibility of further action
this this lump sum compensation doesn't
mean that you can't sue for negligence
what for
there was no negligence i got blown out
by a bomb well
time being we have to decide what you're
going to do
i don't want to leave the regiment what
if they medically discharge you no
that can't happen
but if you do leave you would be
entitled to tax-free guaranteed income
payments for life that's fantastic
strike up the ban let's hang out the
flags
i mean what am i supposed to do for the
rest of my life i can't do anything else
i'm a soldier
i should have died
down would have been easier i know it's
difficult and it shouldn't be but you
have the choice of life
i promise you we'll do everything we can
to make it easier
but tony i have to say
drinking doesn't help maybe not
but it stops the nightmares
[Music]
i know what started this
this is because that nice man took his
mother on holiday isn't it it's because
they haven't got a navigation no dad
that's just an excuse you wanted to make
a point
it exists the act exists you gotta
believe me
i don't like being on my own gloria i'm
lonely and what about me all i get is do
this do that where's this where's the
other i was a widow at 46. i've got a 15
year old son at home who misses his dad
i've just come out of a relationship
with a very sweet man who's already
seeing another woman well you should
have said why
what's the point
you never ask
[Music]
no it's not a replacement it's a it's
i don't know what it is well they're all
the same aren't they
brilliant we can get babysit in the back
of that it is not brilliant
i don't want it yes you do the elvis was
fine if you want to get laid but there
are three of us now
you had sex in my car i swear i
conceived front or back
bonnet mostly
you told me those dents were where you
ran into a pigeon
it cost me 400 pounds to put those right
they were buttock marks weren't they you
could be so spiteful sometimes you won't
even introduce me to a single calvary
man with a sword down to his ankles
i love the car don't be an arse lyle
have you got a minute my office ah yes
your spacious cathedral have an office
get in there
kate has received a letter confirming
her rejection from the blues and royals
on the basis of her sex and combat
effectiveness well it's refreshingly
honest whispers they also say she would
make a great candidate and recommend she
applies to the royal horse artillery
blanket refusal from her wants me to
pursue this technical anomaly and has
given me a check against future costs so
what's your dilemma i don't know just
something i can't reconcile
if she knew that women weren't allowed
in and this is just an elaborate way of
getting back at the regiment for leaving
tony up the creek without a paddle it's
not the regiment that sets the levels of
compensation it's the ministry of
defense nevertheless
so you think we're being set up
yeah i just wish i could make it easier
for him and he's lost a leg and an eye
and he's basically told he's got no
future
no well
you can't win every battlefield i don't
care how lonely he must be
none of us have a faintest idea what
he's been going through
oh
follow me
[Music]
this is him
you have to speak up he's as deaf as
opposed to decide for not being able to
see you oh how did he lose his size
dunkirk uh
mr hickey
my nephew peter would like to have a
chat with you totally
oh and peter
for your soldier boy i hate automatics
and the color is ghastly
uh mr hickey i understand you were a
dunkirk
lyle come out from under your tunnel
we're going now where are we going see
the army two seconds no no absolutely
not but i need a soldier in my life
peter
i want to join in his exercises i have
desires i need them fulfilled
where did you get these keys i don't
know
when did you take my car the car
oh that
oh god oh god is it still there where i
don't know
you have a baby see what it does to your
brain i knew i'd forgotten something
where is my car there's some shops
workshops no no
how can you not remember because it's
not important it's only a god
what's with all the tin plate and
plumage well it's ceremonial now dates
back to the reign of chance ii i believe
not very relevant though is it well what
a dull world it would be if everything
existed only because it was relevant now
all i'm saying is the whole place smacks
of the establishment you know you're
only allowed in if you're called rupert
or toby lyle that you
it bloody isn't it skinner
skinner
fancy suit
me i'm i'm just a lawyer who's this your
dad
no uh this is my senior partner peter
kingdom peter this is
nobby skinner we were at school
knobby delighted nobby nice to meet you
well bugging me what are you doing here
today
i am aware of miss kate mitchell's you
know she tried to join the losing world
yeah i spoke to her about it personally
so she already knew the policy before
turning up he lied on her application
form we all know kate lyle well because
she's the girlfriend of peter's client
tony gillespie girlfriend tony gillespie
no she's not but they lived together
yeah after he was discharged from
hospital she was the girlfriend of a
troop leader captain davidson was
yesterday so she isn't anymore no
oh i see
that makes complete sense ex-girlfriend
syndrome he packed her in so this is
some elaborate way of getting back at
him not quite
johnny davidson was killed by a roadside
bomb in iraq
tony gillespie was the only survivor
[Music]
one of johnny's last letters asked her
to marry him they never got to choose a
ring
so her striving to join the blues and
royals was really just a way of trying
to keep in touch with her boyfriend
poor child no wonder she didn't want
tony to know i don't think she's come to
terms with what happened
tony lived her man died
looking after tony means she doesn't
have to think about what really happened
why didn't the compensation case throw
her name well captain davidson's next of
kin was named as his parents as the
girlfriend
kate didn't get a look in
just step aside step
aside
[Music]
we may not have time
i remember when i parked it
what are we waiting for
i think i run some sort of charity
kingdom and kingdom
no
when
which hospital
why didn't you tell me you'd been having
blackouts
well i
thought
the difference
people knew i'd lose my job
i didn't know what it was
i was frightened that's why you wanted
me to keep coming around
hey victoria
you know there's a chance that he's been
telling the truth all the time and that
this
navigation act of his actually exists
local council offices i've spoken to
them there's a large dusty filing
cabinet somewhere on the third floor
[Music]
mr snell
i really need your help
sure you wouldn't prefer someone else
mrs millington no sydney you're the man
i need
who's here
promise
oh you really are a piece of work aren't
you maybe they'll bring it back
sorry
that's what you want to hear isn't it
sorry
we've got to listen to me when i'm
groveling for goodness sake
i'm sorry
[Music]
i missed you
thanks so much
[Music]
what are you doing it's not good for my
head being here
i feel like i'm second best
i want you to be here but i can't
replace johnny
i lived and he died but you've got to
stop feeling sorry for me oh my god i do
not feel sorry for you i asked you here
because i thought it would help you help
me you've been using me that's not true
you needed help and i thought i knew
something of what you'd been through
lyle stay here
well don't worry mate i'm going oh he's
not my boyfriend tony he is my lawyer
he's been trying to get me into the
regiment
they'll never let you in i mean how can
you even conquer i needed to know what
he'd been through
all i have is memories
i've decided to join the royal horse
artillery they take women what is you
trying to prove
i'm not trying to prove it then give me
one good reason why give me one good
reason why not here
i mean the army was my life right
just like it was johnny's life we knew
the risks we knew this might happen our
only talents were being soldiers and i
loved every damn minute
he wouldn't want you chasing his shadow
he'd want you to give your life to your
talent your horses
just like he gave his life to his
you're gonna do what you want
whatever i say
[Music]
what happened to your elvis
oh
alvis lives i'm happy to say tell you
what why don't you drive
mr kingdom i can't ah but this
this is a specially adapted automatic
literally built for you
apart from the color
yes my aunt oriole won this off barbara
cartland at a game of poker
i thought it might come in useful
oh
you're not suggesting i live in an old
people's home no no no it looks like
you'll be staying with kate i had a word
with a major and he's confirmed that the
regiment wants to keep him
[Music]
[Applause]
see these people know what it's like to
live through a war and live on
afterwards the world out there has no
idea
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
i came back to a country that understood
they'd been through it too
when the boys
come out of hospital today
it's so different
you should be proud
[Music]
the market shipper navigation channel
act 1793
it actually exists
oh well
pay him the money dear
that is
170.
well
it's a bit of luck that i didn't enforce
section 42 or that would have had you
transported to australia
well now we've paid for a navigation
license
we better be going thank you for saving
my father's life
it's a good job he didn't let us through
and if anyone
tries to stop you working because of
your age
i'll write and tell them how good you
are
thanks goodbye
safe journey both of you thank you
[Music]
okay remember grip with your knees and
keep your hands low right just seeing if
it still fits
don't kick
just squeeze um excuse me if i'm giving
up on the army then this is still my
establishment and this is my pupil
corporal um is this really quite fair on
the horse do we think
as a last request
can i please have a bigger office
absolutely not
come on now squeeze
yeah i'm all right all right
[Music]
you